With Vera Chidi-Maha
AN old poet once said: A man wants; A whore in bed
A mistress in his arms,
A mother for his kids,
A good cook in his kitchen
A friend who listens, all rolled into one woman.
No doubt about it, our men want more from us than we can begin to imagine. They want us to remain as pretty as we were the first time they set their eyes on us, they want us to make babies for them and be good mother to their kids, they want us to make nice and palatable meals for them, they want us to listen to them even when we don’t even understand what in the world they are talking about.
Above all, they want us to be highly active in bed, we are expected to listen to them just as a good friend will. Shall we then say that they are asking too much of us and from us? I don’t think so.
In return for our submission, they have been commanded by the Holy Book, to love us. That means, they have no choice but to love us. Can you beat that? Anyway, I have been inspired to write this piece based on what a very close male friend of mine told me about his spouse.
He said in the first few years of their marriage, he and his wife had a wonderful and very active sex life. He said that often times, his wife would initiate the act and their union was flourishing. ‘The marriage was rosy’, he recalled with nostalgia.
However, just four years into the marriage, with two kids, their sexual life became more of a ritual than fun. It became a thing they had to do just for the sake of it. It ceased to be initiate it, which was quite often, she would come up with lame excuse like, ‘oh, I have a headache, or ‘I am too tired’, or worse still, ‘Ok, just do it and get it over with’.
My friend told me in a resigned tone, that if it were not for his ‘faith’ he would have sought so lace elsewhere. At the risk of having his wife read this column, he said the one that upsets him the most is, when he makes love with his wife, sometimes, she simply sleeps off and this makes him feel so rejected. A lot of women are guilty of this.
We see the act of having sex with our man as just one of those things. Thus, the act of creativity diminishes just a couple of years into the union.
This attitude is grossly unfair on our part. Who says we can’t continue to be as active as we were before the man seceded to have us for keeps? We are not doing the man any favours, it is our duty. It is wrong to make the man feel inadequate or rejected just because we have become too lazy and too relaxed to meet up with our sexual obligations. By doing this, our sense of creativity is dead, whether we like it or not.
Candidly speaking, a lot of things in life depend largely on how best we settle the scores in bed with our men. Yes, in bed. A man who has a very good and active sex life is likely to have a good success in every other area of his life.
If his sex life is miserable, be assured that he will transfer it to other areas, he would not only be a grouchy boss to work with, but he could end up being a snobby father to his children as well! Better believe it.
So, have we consciously or unconsciously become like a log of wood in bed? There is still time to correct it. Here is how to do it; research has shown that during sexual intercourse, women don’t touch men well enough. There is the need to touch everywhere.
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You could try a thorough massage, and if you want to get more creative, get scented oil. By all means, ‘kiss him all over; ask him where he wants to be kissed. As a woman, during the act, you are expected to move, moan and talk. It really works. Frustrate tradition, forget about the missionary position, volunteer new position, it is very important.
Sometimes, you need to be aggressive; this however depends highly on what works for the man. There is no hard and fast rule about it while in the bedroom. It is not compulsory that a man must initiate the act.
Sometimes it is okay for the woman to initiate it even when he is all dressed up for work! So, ladies, if you desire to be a ‘firebrand’ woman for your man; then, flow with me. Do not just lie down and expect to have some pleasure, that is the worst thing you can do, men hate that; show your partner that you want him as much as he wants you.
Don’t confuse your partner. Some women don’t show their emotions. Don’t feel shy to scream when you feel like breathe a bit harder. Make some noise because it is the best way to show your partner about your feelings at that moment.
Some old fashioned women still think that the men have to take all the control in bed while having sex. They cannot be more wrong. Women also have to take control in bed. Show that you want to have sex now, tell him what he has to do, because now, you are the one dictating the rules.
You see, sometimes, men like to be controlled. Be very sensitive to your partner. A man’s body is really sensitive and a woman should do her best to make him feel as good as he makes her feel.
Sometimes, it is also okay to ask a few questions like: do you like this? How does this feel? It is important to let him know you care what he feels.
They love to have your undivided attention. For that few minutes, think less about the kids, and house chores, make him the centre of your world. Almost every woman would agree that she likes to be kissed. We, the same thing goes for the men.
They love it when women kiss them all over their bodies, it drives them crazy. If you really want to satisfy your man in bed; kiss him, tease him, and yes, play with him.
In conclusion, I am well aware that as individuals, every one of us has different needs and requirements for sex, but as women, it is important that we do not remain receivers at all times, by all means, we should give back while focusing on the quality of other areas of your life like your job, your kids and academics, it is also important to focus on your sexual skills.
Lest I forget, here is a teaser for men; contrary to what you might be thinking, that we want to be treated like princesses in bed all the time; check this out. We just might prefer to be ravished, you get the gist?.
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