IN Recent times and in a very worrisome manner, more and more people are killing spouses and the root cause being a certain level of hidden depression, unacknowledged emotions resulting in deep seated uncontrollable anger. Not everyone knows what to do with anger when they have that feeling. It is important we now have to learn how to start to process and use it in a healthy way, or else it will be sorrowful years of hurting other people and yourself causing a severe ripple effect that will tear everyone apart, a situation that people may never recover from sometimes resulting in avoidable death as is the case now in our country, an act that is against our faith and cultural norms.
In this article I would like to address possible reasons why people experience this feeling and ways to kick it out of your relationship
When you never learned to process anger as a normal human emotion.
It would be totally abnormal if one cannot pause to validate how totally natural anger is. It’s one of the core emotions, and it’s very much okay to feel it. Part of our problem, though, is that some parents refuse to validate, recognize or acknowledge the presence of anger in the life of a child. Instead, they encourage it or shame them for it, making them feeling guilty, there should be a balance to this. Anger if not noticed will lead to emotional explosions. Help them learn to make room for anger in life because when I try to push it away, it only comes back more exaggerated in other words you may have experienced this feeling as a child and got shamed by adults for it. Anger has been existing as far back as time of Cain and Abel, it never ends well.
When you come from a family of people who act on their anger.
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. When you have parents who hold tremendous amounts of anger that they act on without any regard for the consequences, it has a way of spilling down on the kids. Emotionally abusive parents, violent parents etc contribute to this making you think its ok to behave this well, and when you get into a relationship you continue in this system of lifestyle, do not allow your past model your future!
When you have been (wrongly) taught that anger is how you get what you want.
A few people while growing up get to see adults or loved ones berating others and been mean. It has formed the attitude and habit of others that shouting, screaming and being nasty gets you want you want. When you now start having intimate relationships with others or settle down, you will now discover you start yelling, shouting, screaming when you want something, because you feel it is a normal way to communicate. This method will never result you in getting anything you want, and even if it does it will be at the expense of other peoples trust and eventually destroy good people you come across.
When you have no idea that feelings are not same as FACTS
Anger is a common visitor for peoples mind, especially those who have grown up in such environments where it is seen as normal. When anger rears its Head, it is a message indicating you need to demand something from your partner like more attention. As an anger prone person your requests will usually gradually and steadily become unreasonable and unbearable. The fact is anger and all its accompanying thoughts NEVER tell the whole truth. Sometimes maybe just a little lack of sleep, less sex, too much workload, loss of a loved one, will make one think your partner is doing something wrong. You have to learn to feel out what EXACTLY an emotion is trying to tell you before ACTING on it.
When you don’t learn how to regulate your emotions
If you don’t have a constructive way to handle anger when it comes in your relationship the repercussions are terrible, it comes like tidal wave, ripping everything around it, making you gasp for air, holding your chest tight. Get a counsellor to teach you how to regulate your emotions and ride the wave of emotions with caution.
When your unmoderated temper has single-handedly ruined relationships.
Some people think expressing every single, and I mean every single though on their mind through their mind is being sincere and straight instead of it seeing it as downright mean and a show of unmoderated show of emotions. Take for instance in a relationship you have a gift of not tolerating errors from your partner and next you do is pour their faults right back at them in the worst manner and worst words possible and hide behind the excuse of “I am just being honest”, is a terrible wait to treat your partner. No one will stay long with anyone exhibiting such behavior that has no full stop or comma
When all you know is to fight to learn how to constructively release anger.
At this point all I can say is you need Jesus, Allah, Holy Michael or whatever suits your fancy and your faith immediately. Constant flying of the handle at any little provocation from your spouse, and fighting with words or blows will never lead you to a good path, it is a path full of destruction, pain and regret. Learn to use the emotion to assertive and not violent. There is a big difference here. Don’t believe becoming irrational can be controlled all the time, one day you may not know when you get to the land of no return. God help us all!!
Resentment and anger in relationships often stem from utter dismay at how your spouse could have possibly done what they did. You just can’t understand it you never would have done such a thing.
So what is the solution to dealing with resentment against your spouse? Can you learn how to control anger so it doesn’t escalate?
The solution is to channel the shock at your spouse’s behavior into empathy, to try and understand them, and to come at the situation trying to see their perspective. It’s trite to say, but that’s because it is advice which is perennial. If it were easy, no one would need to talk about it much.
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