By Vera Chidi-Maha

According to research findings, many domestic violence victims refuse to speak up because they fear being judged and pressured by others.

Years back, a video of domestic violence by Ray Rice and NFL linebacker dragging his fiancee, Janay Palmer, out of an elevator went viral and subsequently, he was accused of domestic violence.

He was formerly charged. In a twisted turn of events, he and his fiancee got married. The very next day, the waves of outrage that followed caused NFL to scramble, interestingly to increase their punishment of Ray Rice and conduct an internal review of other domestic violence policies.

The wife organised a press conference in defence of her now husband, apologising for her role in the abuse. People in general questioned her sanity, wondering why she would stay with a man that knocked her unconscious and even dared to defend him.

O.J. Simpson, who had a legal history of physically abusing, stalking and making death threats towards Nicole Brown, his estranged wife, was arrested and charged with murder. He was acquitted of all charges, but was found liable for both the deaths of his late estranged wife and her boyfriend in a civil lawsuit in 1997.

In the letter that later surfaced after her death, Nicole Brown Simpson narrated the abuse and torment she faced in her husband’s hands. Yet, she stayed for so long until she could no longer bear it. Eventually, when she got the courage to live, he stalked, hunted and killed her in cold blood. Monster in a human skin, he thought his expensive lawyers could get him out so easily because of his juicy career. He eventually lost it all just because he couldn’t control his temper.

The very recent incident which inspired this piece is the story of Sylvester Ofori, the Ghanaian pastor who shot his wife to death after five years of covered domestic violence.

Ofori shot Tommey many times and immediately fled the scene. He was later arrested by detectives of the Orlando Police Department. Police said a warrant was served at the suspect’s apartment and Ofori taken into custody. “You can tell that she’s trying to get inside (the credit union). Unfortunately, he killed her,” Police Chief Orlando Rolon said.

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The two survivors of domestic violence I know are Mrs E and Mrs O. One is my aunt and the other is my friend. The story of Mrs E is a case of inferiority complex on the part of her husband. He beat her up at the slightest provocation. He beat her for not cooking on time. He beat her for children making noise. He beat her for not opening the door on time whenever she got back from work. He beat her for any and every reason until she left the marriage and never looked back. He pleaded to get her back in tears on his knees. He brought his family members to beg too, but she never looked back. Today, she is a happy woman living with her children and grandchildren.

Mrs O’s husband began to beat her the moment he discovered she could not give him a male child after she had their third daughter. The beating continued until his female children began to graduate one after the other.

The first graduated and became a doctor, the second daughter became a lawyer and the third daughter is still in her 300 Level.

On the day of the doctor’s wedding, her father was very proud of her.

Today, my dear friend is happy being a single mother. She had chosen life over death. Problem is sometimes the society adds to the problems the victims are facing, especially in Nigeria. Victims are stigmatised and labelled prostitutes when women decide to leave their abusive partners and opt for single life.

There are so many other reasons victims remain in abusive relationships.

Distorted thoughts

Being controlled is traumatising and this leads to confusion, doubts and even self- blame. Perpetrators harass and accuse victims.  Some women even believe they deserve it. Some don’t believe verbal abuse is domestic violence because there are no scars.

Waiting to be a saviour

Some victims believe they can change perpetrators. Some stay on and die.

Fear

Some are just too scared to walk away. Too afraid to move on and leave the known for the unknown.

Children

So many victims stay because of their children. What happens to the kids?

Family expectations and experiences

People will make fun of you. My sister, run!

In conclusion, my counsel is stop trying to fix an abuser. Most of them will not stop once they start.

If you are in an abusive relationship, please run!