The Nation Newspaper

Category: Oyinkan Medubi

The rat smells fishy…

When I heard the rodent story, I thought I smelt a fish, cod fish. I thought, this rat smells of pretentiousness, like our politicians’ armoured cars

Once, I interviewed a foreign newspaper editor on how his newspaper selected what story to print. He replied that when the reporters brought the stories in, his group would sift them and pick out those stories that fitted their paper’s philosophy most. In other words, they played it by ear. By ear, they were able to say, ‘that’s our story!’

In the same way, when I read news headlines to determine which one I should comment on, I cock my ear to hear how that story sounds and when I recognize it, I say, ‘that’s my story!’ I tell you, that story does not pass without my educated or uneducated comment. For this reason, patient reader, the last has not been heard of the story of the rats and roaches that occupied the Nigerian president’s office in the land, until I have had my, err… say on it.

Reader, if an armed robber had dared to take his trade to the president’s office in Aso Rock (henceforth AR), I wager that he would have been shot, quartered and made an example of how not to be a cheeky devil. If I had dared to occupy the president’s office, I tell you, there would have been hell to pay. Now, we have been told that rats and their extended families dared to occupy the president’s office and all that the president’s men could do was to advise him to work from home. I ask you!

Whoever thought the office of the President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria could ever be occupied by a force as fierce as rats and roaches? I always thought that rodents of all sizes, shapes and ages had unfettered access to only my kitchens, toilets and bathrooms. The reason of course revolves around the fact that I am totally helpless, not rich and do not have an army of cleaners hovering around my kitchens, toilets and bathrooms. I was wrong: they can also occupy the highest office in the land.

They always say it is only the fly that can dare to share the king’s crown and not pay with his head. Indeed, most times, people have to beg the fly to leave the crown alone by whisking it, tut-tutting it, shooing it or generally just treating it like a mild nuisance. Only one or twice in a century has anyone ever succeeded in killing a fly for sharing the king’s crown. In the same way, rodents have become the enemies within to fear and to fight. Whereas most of us look outwards for the president’s enemies, we quite forget the ones hiding under the desks, in the corners and other blind spots.

It is easy to allow the imagination to run riot on this topic and weave theories to account for this problem. Let us start with the unofficial leave theory. I’m thinking that while the president was away on medical leave, the army of cleaners engaged to clean the president’s office also went on leave. No, they went AWOL? I wonder who granted them leave to go AWOL. Then perhaps their supervisors also went on leave. No, on AWOL too? You see me, see wahala?

There is an alternative theory, but it’s too painful to think it. Do you think it is likely the cleaners were being owed salary arrears and so were not too motivated to chase out the rats? I mean, if Nigeria can owe not just teachers, civil servants but even the National Assembly members and workers salary arrears, don’t you think they can also owe AR workers? I mean, fair is fair, isn’t it? At least, on one level, I am already at par with AR: in that place, there is a standby generating set while in my house, there is a generating set but it is not standing by. So you see, what is good for the goose…

An unlikely theory is that the cleaners in AR were not expecting the president back yet. And I said, wharra hell kind of theory is that?! Can you imagine that! All the national refrains for the last couple of months from nearly every mouth you can think of have been ‘when is the president coming back?’ So, how on earth can anyone ever claim that the president’s return caught him or her by surprise?

Only my hand is up: the man’s return caught me by surprise; I don’t know of anyone else. Luckily though, I don’t work in AR. Those who work in AR had no right whatsoever to claim that they were taken by surprise. It just means they did not have their ears to the ground, otherwise they would have heard the plane take off from London.

I must say that the AR cleaners are not the only ones with their ears cocked by the economy. I think the people managing the president’s office need a bit of a hey-ho. They need more pizazz in their world view. A world view where an exalted office can be sacked by something no fiercer than rodents needs a review. A world view that says that while the occupant of an office is away, that office need not be kept clean needs a drastic review; if not for us, at least for the rodents. They do not need to know how very powerful they are; they might become pretentious.

That is why I am thinking that if indeed rodents had taken over the number one office, must they tell us? It’s too much like telling the rodents that they have succeeded beyond their imagination in their mission to sack the president’s office. Where, I ask you, does that leave our own confidence? Could they not have told us something else? Honestly, if they had told me that the key to the office could not be found, I would have been more comfortable. But rats…? I hate rats!

There’s something I hate almost as much as pretentious rats, and that is armoured cars. I see armoured cars as being more pretentious. Even at the best of times, an armoured vehicle says nothing more than ‘now, I have plenty of money to waste.’ Right now, I fear it is the fad among Nigerian politicians. I hear they have moved from private jets (I think they all have one of those things already) to bullet-proof cars. Soon, I predict they will move to bullet-proof jets, umbrellas, slippers, bedrooms, wives, husbands, foods… It’s insane, really. It’s too much like proclaiming they all want to live forever, for no reason! Yet, all the while, I am thinking that what our politicians really need are tomato-proof vehicles, jets, umbrellas, slippers, bedrooms, wives, husbands, foods…!

You know what tomato-proof vehicles are, don’t you? They are those vehicles that normally attract tomatoes, rotten eggs, balls of eba or fufu from passers-by, but the vehicles are made of such stern stuff they refuse to get angry. In short, whenever such things are thrown at them cars by the uneducated or the unhappy electorate, the car sticks out its tongue back at the thrower before it zooms off. The car’s sleek and metallic body fails to retain that splattered mark of a splitting tomato mainly because, well, the occupant has not earned a rotten tomato or egg. So, I think that’s what our politicians should get.

Anyway, when I heard the rodent story, I thought I smelt a fish, cod fish. I thought, this rat smells of pretentiousness, like our politicians’ armoured cars. The president’s men (and women too) should just have told us that the president had returned but still needed to take things a tad easy. Therefore, he would need to work a bit from home. No crime there. At all. That language we could understand, but rodents…?!

September 3, 2017
Buhari returns…

These agitations further reveal that the citizens have become more intelligent than the political class leading them and are prepared to show this intelligence in ways that do not have anything to do with violence

IT is no news that President Muhammadu Buhari (PMB) is back. He has spoken to you and me. I will not remind you of the things he said. Mostly, he read the riot act to those who had been fomenting trouble in his absence. He came back with this very big stick obviously. Luckily, I am not among that group. The only thing I did in his absence was keep that faith that he would not die without first telling me. My only worry now is whether that riot act he read to us all would remove all of our calls for restructuring, solve the political and economic problems causing all the restructuring brouhaha and tame the politicians peopling the National Assembly who continually irritate us by flaunting their wealth in our faces.

The gentleman’s gentleman that he is, I knew Buhari would ask permission first before he would do anything as precipitate as dying. So, welcome back, Mr. President. As you can see, we have missed you. However, I am not happy about two things.

I am not happy that the nation is the poorer for this extended medical trip. I will not be tired of repeating that the nation’s hospitals might have been tasked to look after their president and be forced to upgrade their services in response to the challenge. As it is, the president has established for me the ethos to tow should I ever (God forbid) need medical attention. I shall intone to those around me: ‘take me to the UK hospital of Buhari… After all, ol’oyinbo iku sile…’

I am also not happy that the president is reported not to be able to use his office yet because of the Foreign Powers occupying it in the shape of rodents. Whoever thought the office of the President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria could ever be occupied by a force as fierce as rats and roaches? I think it is such an important subject we shall compose a ballad on this topic soon.

I am indeed glad that the president himself has identified some of the things he needs to pay attention to when he read his riot act to the nation, even though the list is not exhaustive. In other words, he only mentioned a few and consigned the others under the umbrella of other concerns. Well, the president should know what they say about the reasonable and unreasonable man. According to G. B. Shaw, the reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man persists in adapting the world to himself; therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

I would like the president to know that while he was away, the country became engrossed in a discourse – restructuring: to be or not to be. Several analyses of this issue revealed the fact that agitations heard from the different parts of the country are just indications of dissatisfaction with the direction of the country.

While the president might be a little uncomfortable with these agitations, they remain signs of increasing interest of the citizenry in active political participation. That interest is even now aided by social media. These agitations further reveal that the citizens have become more intelligent than the political class leading them and are prepared to show this intelligence in ways that do not have anything to do with violence. Mostly, by talking about it, the citizens show the political class that they know things that the political class does not know. While the former knows that the latter does not know, the latter does not know that it does not know. Hear Shaw again: ‘He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.’

The reason is that politicians live in the world of fantasy. For instance, Nigerian politicians believe that if they sweep all the money in the country to their corners, they can do anything with anybody. They soon wake up though when they are confronted by reality that comes in different forms: losses, losses and more losses.

Anyway, this is the reason why the citizens are often impatient with the politicians. The citizens in Nigeria for instance understand that social amenities – power, water, health delivery, etc. — are not reaching them because the politicians’ deep pockets are standing in the way of good public expenditures. Mostly, these expenditures are diverted into those deep, deep pockets of the politicians. The citizens know this but it appears that the politicians do not know that the people know. They think they don’t know.

Unfortunately, people are groaning in the country because these things affect the quality of life they live. They cannot innovate on their own because there is no power; they are helpless in the face of serious health challenges; they have no access to good water sources without begging or straining; quality time is wasted chasing after the replacements for these amenities; etc. All these cause frustrations that engender agitations because the blame is put squarely at the foot of being forcefully enclosed in ‘this ungainly trap called Nigeria’ which is mostly led by people without any vision for taking the country out of these problems.

The matters raised above constitute the discourse on Nigeria. And, according to the president, the ‘National Assembly and the National Council of State are the legitimate and appropriate bodies for national discourse’. In essence, these two bodies are constituted to find solutions to the problems on ground. I’m not too sure that that is entirely fair on the citizens for many reasons.

The Nigerian assembly is not as representative as many want us to believe on account of the much violence and many flaws that usually accompany the process of election, selection, or imposition. Secondly, that assembly itself has not been seen to be too interested in displaying the selflessness or self-sacrifice needed for nation building. Check out for instance their emoluments even in the face of the dwindling national economy. Up till last week, a newspaper editorial still referred to the ‘new cars’ that the assembly had ordered and was expecting while people are living on starvation road. So, the people need to talk, complain and seek solutions.

The mistake the government makes always is to equate the people’s search for good quality life for a readiness to revolt. Revolts, no matter how spontaneous, do not happen easily. They happen only when the people have been bled dry and have nothing to lose. I don’t believe Nigerians have been bled dry; this is why they are still seeking solutions to their problems.

The government should therefore respect the people’s search for solutions; that happens when it sees them as partners in progress. This column also roundly condemns any attempt to introduce panic, anarchy or chaos into the polity. Rather, it upholds attempts to build the state through building the people. The nation today is better for the revolutions in telecommunication and banking. These came about through the people’s participation.

The people’s participation is also needed to emancipate the other segments of the polity – power, health delivery, transportation, etc. These can only come about through free expression of pains and complaints and desires and agitations of sorts. The National Assembly and the Council of State are too comfortable to see things from the perspective of the people. As Buhari returns to work, I urge that he should listen behind the people’s agitations to hear what they are really saying. He needs to let the people aim for the life they want. I know I’m right, and I end with Shaw again to support me: ‘My specialty is being right when other people are wrong.’ Yeah, I’m hot for Shaw today, ain’t I? The man was too often right.

August 27, 2017
The fate of Nigeria

The fate of Nigeria is right now hanging in the balance because of the national assembly

Many commentators on Nigeria have described the national assembly, all the classes from 1999 that is, as being composed of people not really interested in the fate of Nigeria. It has not been any secret, and indeed, most of the time they have not hidden the fact, that they have had eyes only on one goal: to corner as much of the national resources as they possibly can, legally and illegally, into their corners of the boxing ring. Indeed, they have been so intent on this goal they have often all come out gloved, alternately skipping, rearing on hind legs, scratching, snorting and belching smoke through the nostrils like bulls, daring the nation not to let them have their way. Though to be honest, this present class would appear to stand out, for they have given the country no quarter.

Yes, many writers have decorated them with many epithets which they seem to have worn like soldiers’ epaulets. They have been described as ‘an army of occupation’, ‘a set of marauders’, ‘greedy politicians’, etc. Former President O. has just called them a ‘bunch of unarmed robbers’. But the thing is, these people are armed to the teeth; they have access to all the power in the land. They are able to do and undo, just like my computer. Considering how they have been eating their way through the land, I think to add that they are ‘an army of ravaging locusts’ would not nearly do them sufficient justice.

I think the former president does not get the full picture. First sir, they were able to fix their own emolument which was so insane it practically shot through the skies while the world looked on in consternation. Then they refused to budge, cry what we could. Then, they have, along with other past and present leaders of the country, continually got themselves awarded the juiciest contracts in the land to fix this or that or import this and that. Just think of one of the stories going the rounds. I hear the reason why the assembly went after a comptroller-general was no higher than that a national assembly member, not content with being paid this insane salary, still got himself awarded a rice contract which he imported without wanting to pay the requisite duties on.

The fate of Nigeria is right now hanging in the balance because of the present national assembly. I’ll tell you why. When this group came in, Nigeria was in a bad place. I’m sure you know what it means to be in a bad place. To steal a pot of amala and eat it with palm oil or water is to be in a bad place. To want to commit suicide, because of the bad economy, by drinking a bottle of pesticide fluid or battery water and end up not dying is to be in a bad place. To be forced by circumstances to sell your own child for a pittance just to survive is to be in a bad place. These things happened so Nigeria was in a baaaaad place. Now, thanks to our assembly, it is hanging over the cliff.

As I was saying, when this group of assemblymen came in, they had the golden chance to fix this country. The people looked to them. The people had expectations of them. The people looked to them to join Buhari in enacting laws that would bring corruption, Nigeria’s most potent enemy, to its heels. Instead, they were the corruption that fought back. See how they fought Magu.

The people looked to them to intervene in different matters in this country: education, water, security, electricity… Just last week, it was said that Nigeria had spent about N11t on electricity projects from 1999 to this time alone. Who am I to complain that my house has not had electricity for three days when there are areas that have not had for months, some for years, some never, and Aso Rock has its own generating set not much bigger than mine? This is one area that the assembly could have written its name in gold and really made impact. They could have helped us demand from all the principal actors how N11t was spent.

One other area the assembly could have intervened is the crazy wage system in the country. But look whom I’m talking to. I guess you must have clean hands in order to come… Seriously, it is a bit awkward for highly qualified workers like ASUU members to be sweating all day at work and earn pittances. Yet, a ward leaves school with a pass degree and gets a job with a multinational company with emoluments of hundreds of thousands attached. It does not make sense that assembly members, state assembly members or even local government councilors earn abnormally higher salaries than highly qualified and competent professionals. It distorts the system. It does not make sense for public morality or public values. It’s the reason why my dog is now asking for a raise just because it guards the house.

Unfortunately, in their wisdom, our assemblymen and women have even shot to pieces their raison d’etre: democracy. I think in their fever-pitch desire to rout the land, they have neglected to build and defend the democracy that brought them into the assembly as lawmen. As it stands now, I’m not too sure we have any semblance of democracy left. There have been calls to dismember the country by some unguarded youths from across the land. Then there were calls to restructure the country or conduct a sovereign conference. In all these, we have not got any definite move from the assembly to wade into these cacophonies beyond a few half-hearted pronouncements. Yet, Nigeria is hanging over a cliff.

On the contrary, the assembly has been the source of aggravation of various tendencies in our society. Firstly, thanks to the largess occasioned by the endless law suits involving politicians, the judiciary has been turned into a cesspool of putrefying mess bringing out all kinds of worms of corruption. All sorts of filthy lucres and currencies and monies are said to be sharing residence with their lordships. Now, I hear the judiciary understands only the language of money. Goat stealers rot in jail while embezzlers of billions are slapped on the wrist with mere fines. In other words, there goes our judiciary.

Secondly, thanks to our politicians, there is now an increase in the number of Okija priests who readily perform rituals involving murders in many cases for people to win elections or positions. Now, everyone in Nigeria has come to believe that the surest way to get money very quickly and not account for it is to get a ritual-performing priest who, you guessed it, asks for a human being. Politicians started it. Businessmen and women did it. Now, religious houses are doing it. I just wonder: how are these people able to convince themselves that all is well with the world when they go to sleep at night?

The question is, why are we as a nation so helpless? It’s stupid really. But, I believe it is because people are not concerned with the total picture. For instance, as long as their religious organisation or tribe or house is favoured, no problem. Nigerians have decided to allow the things that fracture them to dominate them. They have decided to let sleep the rule of law and to judge each matter on its own merit.

Whether we like it or not, the fate of Nigeria is in all our hands. Whether or not we allow the politicians to apply the last blow that would bring Nigeria to its knees so that they can do the final beheading is left to us. I think we must do some hard thinking now, and change our attitude, collectively.

August 20, 2017
This shameful neglect of the desperately sick needs to stop

Nigerian government functionaries run abroad to treat their headaches just because they can, yet desperately sick people with serious cases of cancers are paraded through Nigerian traffics to attract the attention of sympathisers and benevolent donors! What kind of shameful policy is this?

Just this week, dear reader, I was in traffic when a group of young people uniformly dressed in lime green T-shirts and black trousers/skirts wove through the traffic ‘advertising’ the illness of another young person who stuck close to them. They each had in their hands deep pouch-bags for collecting ‘donations’ on behalf of the sick person. I looked at the sick person and I had to quickly look away in fear. The person had a very large tumour in the place where her mouth should have been. I then looked at the pouch-bag they held in their hands. They were large enough, yes, but perhaps they were too large for the location they had brought their appeal to. I wondered aloud to myself: ‘how much can people in this traffic donate towards solving a problem as large as this?’

This is not the first time I am encountering this type of appeal group. Each group (or maybe same group travelling through cities, I don’t know) appears however to be well-organised for the job. I mean, the members seem to organize themselves very well. They usually wear the same T-shirt, same trousers or skirts, and hold the same type of collection bag. They appear to me to be some kind of NGO specialising in street begging. They are that street-savvy that they weave into traffic with ease and deftly thrust their bags near people’s faces, while also making sure that the ‘pity-drawing’ object of their devotion is clearly visible to the traffic to draw ‘enough compassion’. It is clearly begging with a difference.

Like I said, there may be many of these groups, for as many of such pitiable cases that they can find, because it was obvious that was not the first case for the group I saw. It is obvious though that such groups are not doing these ‘traffic runs’ for free. It seems to me that whatever is collected from the sympathisers will not wholly go to the disease sufferer. The sufferer might get only a minute per centage.

I was sure that day that the entirety of whatever was collected would be nowhere sufficient for that desperately sick woman’s food bill for that day alone, were she to be given all. It was clear to all that what that woman needed was beyond the scope of nearly all of us in traffic that day (I say ‘nearly’ because you never know who is in traffic with you – a rich kidnapper or powerful government functionary). She needed a high powered intervention that would clearly run into millions of naira. Yet, there they were, collecting kobos from people who could even barely spare those kobos.

It is well documented that government functionaries run abroad to treat their headaches just because they can, yet desperately sick ordinary citizens with serious cases of tumours and cancers are paraded through Nigerian traffics to attract the attention of sympathisers and benevolent donors! What kind of policy is this?

Going through the news in one day alone, I came across these headlines: woman needs N7m for treatment of breast cancer; 10-year-old girl needs N4m for treatment of heart problem; less than 5% on NHIS, etc. All of these people are depending on some philanthropist taking note of these appeals! So, I ask myself, do government functionaries not read the same headlines? Do they not see these things to know when their people are in trouble and do something?

It seems that even when our government people see these things and step into such problems, why, they make it look like they have intervened as a personal favour from their own pockets rather than from the collective purse! After all, to hear our governors brag or boast, you would think they built roads, bridges, states from their pockets! Or, is there no collective purse again? I ask because, well, you know how ignorant I am of these things. Like someone reminded me, everything is not ewedu and amala.

Ok, let’s talk about this NHIS. As it is now, I hear that scheme covers only a ‘small number’ of federal, state and local government workers. That leaves the vast majority of Nigerians in the cold. Inadvertently, that vast majority is now asked to rely on neighbours, NGOs, friends, families, passers-by in traffic, chance encounters, religious group members, or … their maker for care. To me, that is no health policy that deserves the name ‘national’. I don’t want to go into the contents of that NHIS scheme and the monumental fraud in it. I have heard people say that the scheme itself is near-empty. I hear that if your complaint to the doctor exceeds a paltry sum of N500, you might need to dip your hands in your pocket, yet millions are paid out regularly to the administrators. So, really, that is a topic for another day.

For today, we are concerned that most of the people who really need intervention are nowhere touched by any governmental scheme of care. This is shameful. We are talking about a very small group of people in relation to the vast majority of ‘almost healthy’ Nigerians. I do not believe that those in need of drastic intervention are up to two percent of Nigeria’s population. I’m quite willing to be wrong of course. It’s a pity that statistics are not available for this group because many of them are not documented because there is no public-organised programme of care, so many go undocumented because there is no… Does it not sound like the chicken and egg story to you again? It does to me.

I believe that it is possible for the government to be more concerned about this group. It is possible for the federal government to institute a policy that gives cancer sufferers access to free or near-free care the way it does for AIDs sufferers and HIV-positive people. I don’t believe that the cost of their care can break the government’s back or bank vaults. Indeed, a small insurance trust fund can even take care of that nationally!

In other words, I don’t believe that the government will go broke because it decides to put its money where its citizens’ mouths or needs or pains are. Sending government functionaries abroad to check their blood pressure is a waste; helping tumour and cancer patients with free care should be the first reason why we have governments.

As a matter of urgency, the government at all levels – federal, state and local – should begin the process of identifying the certified, desperately sick through the hospitals, and institute the process of reaching them with much needed care. It is no longer fashionable to assume that the family, NGOs, streets, or neighbours can take care of Nigeria’s tumour or cancer patients. Truth is, they can’t. Only the government can. The government should think seriously now about stepping up in this responsibility. It is time we allowed the desperately sick to rest in their beds and be cared for instead of parading them through the streets looking for compassion. That spells national shame to me!

August 13, 2017
Let’s all give it to Mugabe, who says he has no intention of dying…

People like Mugabe believe that wisdom can only come from their brains, no matter how mummified that brain is

There were so many topics calling for my attention this week, dear reader, but none quite caught my eye like the news I read about President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe. Ever a man of news, there is no shortage of things and sayings ascribed to him. Many wise sayings have been heaped upon his venerable head. For instance, I heard that he said that ‘wrestling is useless and confusing. How can people without trousers fight for belt?’ Add to that: ‘If you are a married man and you find yourself attracted to school girls, just buy your wife a school uniform’; and ‘No African girl will choose six pack (sic) over six cars… So stop going to the gym and go to work.’

I say, I heard these things and I nodded my own unwise head, thinking ‘what a wiiiise man! At least, there is still one wise man left on this African continent, if not in the world. People should pay to be allowed to go pick the wise words that fall from the lips of this ancient! Man, you cannot beat the logic in any of them.

I believe he probably has said a lot more; although, it is also possible that he never said any of these things. It is possible that some other wise one exists somewhere who has been minting these pearly words from the pearly gates of anonymity, but we’ll never know now, will we? He/she won’t come forward as proudly as Mugabe has, so what are we to do? So, until another wise old/young one comes forward, no matter how slowly, we must continue to bow to Robert Mugabe as the utterer of wise words and the giver of uncommon thoughts.

My own admiration for the man’s words of wisdom (I can’t say the same for his politics) suffered a shock last week though when I read his latest utterances. First he was reported to have said that he had no intention of stepping down as president of the country any time soon, a country he has governed since 1980, since he was only 93! Then more importantly, he was said to have told his countrymen and women that he had no intention of dying yet. Ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses and let us give it to President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, a man who knows the mind of God!

Like I said, I have no competence to comment on the man’s political savvy; I have never been to Zimbabwe. I have only heard things about his presidential abilities. For instance, I only heard that when he took over the country from the colonial whites in 1980, he cleverly sided out Joshua Nkomo, his fellow patriot in arms. At that time, the economy was strong even if it was in the hands of the neo-colonial whites. To Mugabe’s credit, he not only avoided any power sharing with Nkomo, he also avoided any power tussle with the white overlords by throwing them out of the country. With that score card, I guess it matters not that under him, I hear you need millions of the Zimbabwean dollar to buy an egg.

I guess too that Zimbabweans must like him. I mean, they must or they couldn’t be so quiet. I hear that they feel that Mugabe has provided some stability in their nation. That’s why they say the people are so worried that after he dies, there may be chaos. So, all they want from him is for him to name his successor. Seriously, I find something very wrong with this line of thinking. I feel it is too much like the country is saying ‘it’s all right, folks, we like our pain. Go take care of your own comforts, thank you very much.’

To start with, there is everything wrong with a 93-year-old man ruling a country, no matter how strong he is. Even if, as Mugabe himself claims, his organs are in tip-top state, the most important organ cannot be accounted for at that age: his brain. One must commend his maker for giving him this kind of longevity, though it is clear that his brain expired way back many wise sayings ago. The fact that he does not see anything wrong with the fact that the inflation figures in his country are beyond the calculations of a calculator is proof indeed that he is way past it. The people deserve better.

More importantly, the people’s anxiety over a successor for the president speaks for itself. It speaks of a situation where self-service and self-preservation has ruled the heart of the ruler, just as I hear those are dominating the hearts of our national assemblymen and women right now. God forbid that they should let the benefits of the state guide their choices in matters of the state. Anyway, Mugabe has betrayed himself to be the typical African leader in his preoccupation with the self rather than the state.

Since most African states are pluralistic ethnically, culturally and linguistically, succession is always and typically a worrisome issue. And since the rule is that Africa’s heads of state easily upturn the rules and regulations of the state for self-perpetuating reasons, things get complicated indeed in the wake of their deaths. In short, chaos ensues. So, one would think that serious state heads would want to ensure that things run smoothly after them by seeing that they run smoothly right in their ‘very before’. This philosophy is behind the system that the western world has devised to ensure that the entire citizenry participates in government.

It’s a shame that the average African leader does not see things this way. People like Mugabe believe that wisdom can only come from their brains, no matter how mummified that brain is. Hence your African leader is prepared to condemn his country to years of an impoverished and mummified economy in his lifetime and further years of unproductive bickering over succession after his death as long as he remains in power for as long as he likes. It’s a shame really.

I think the problem lies in this absoluteness of power in Africa, and inefficient checks and balances due to ignorance, poverty and superstition. Nowhere in the world does so much power lie in the hands of one man than in a dictatorship or in an African leader. God help us if the two reside in one breast. That is when men display a primitivity worse than that of the monkeys. In Africa, power is used not only recklessly but senselessly because the small group of elites existing can easily be coerced into silence, complacency, cooperation or imprisonment. That is why an African country’s leader can boldly tell his people that he reserves the heaven-ordained right to kill his citizens and he would not be judged for it in heaven.

Man, I think the people of Zimbabwe should be able to tell Mugabe that enough is enough. A 93-year-old man needs rest from his labours, whether good or bad. I think he’s afraid to step down because he might be tried for the bad. Whatever his fears, the time has come to convince Mugabe that he and his ilk should please stop ruining Africa’s good name by ruling well or letting others do it and they can stand aside in advisory capacities.

Once more, I say let’s give it to Mr. Robert Mugabe who says he has no intention of dying, because he has had a conversation with God on the matter of his death. Only, he should please share that audio/video evidence. If he does not have that evidence, then he should please step aside, and he shouldn’t make me to have to make him.

August 6, 2017
Like a hole in the head

Following these (health) recommendations just to prolong my life is a full time employment for which someone should pay me

Sometime ago, I read the story of a man who entered the ‘Laziest Man on Earth’ contest and won but was too lazy to go and collect the prize. However, it was brought to him in the remote part of the world where he lived. When he was found, he was lying down under a tree up in the mountain side but close to a brook. It was found that when it was time to eat, he would simply open his mouth (great effort) and a fruit would fall in, so did water from the brook. When the prize was held out to him, he unsurprisingly instructed the official to put it into his pocket for he was too lazy to reach out for it. Asked why he did not work for a living, he said life was too tough, and he was not minded to take part in its hassles. He would rather just lie there if they didn’t mind; and in fact, talking to them was costing him some effort.

True, life is tough, especially in Nigeria, what with the government pretending that the people do not exist; yet I have found that nobody really wants to die. The joke goes about a man who had gone to commit suicide at the rail line only to find himself waiting endlessly for the train that was late as usual. Hungry, he reached into his pocket for the loaf therein and murmured, ‘One could starve to death waiting for trains in this country!’

So, given a chance, everyone would opt for the prolongation of his or her life, employing the cheapest means of course. This is why people practically chew garlic as a food, rather than using it to spice up the dish, not minding its rather frightening taste. And peppery ginger is not left out either. When I come across people effusing these things in their breath, I do not move away as most people do. Quite on the contrary, I move a bit closer to get a whiff of it into my own body in case they know a thing or two that I don’t. I just think, supposing they are right?

But not to be completely left out of the game of life lengthening, I search the papers for news of any inventions that might provide a hint or two on how I can stretch my puny breath into lasting more than the three score and ten. And so, every now and then, I come across screaming headlines from health experts shouting down my throat things like, ‘Drink fruit juice and live longer!’, ‘Eat Soy beans and reduce colon cancer by 35%!’, ‘Eat beans and reduce lung cancer!’; ‘Drink milk to reduce weight!’; ‘Milk causes cancer!’; ‘Fat causes weight gain!’; ‘Fat necessary for health!’; ‘Fat alters liver immune system!’ ‘Eat Cabbage and cut your cancer risks by 25%!’, ad infinitum. Sometimes, though, I don’t know what to do: should I drink milk or should I not, and should I run like mad from fat, as if I don’t have enough of it already?

The simple fact is that the fine prints in these news items are not telling us many crucial things. For example, If I eat kale and collard greens (after first finding out what they are) to cut out the harmful effects of radiation by 60%, then who takes care of the remaining 40%? If I eat whole grains to reduce the risk of heart disease by 15-30%, what becomes of the remaining 70%: give it over to lady luck?

Then it strikes me, perhaps they mean that if I drink lemon juice, I will probably cut out about thirty per cent from cancer risks; eating soy beans cuts out another thirty-five per cent; adding cabbage takes care of another twenty-five per cent. If that gives me a cumulative control of about ninety per cent of my health from cancer risks, then I would be more than willing to leave the remaining ten per cent to providence. Or does it not work that way? Do these figures not necessarily add up?

It seems to me that following these recommendations just to prolong my life is a full time employment for which someone should pay me and even give me tenure service, i.e. make it pensionable. Believe me, it is hard work following the findings and the funny turns they choose to take.

When for instance I read the good news that milk can cause weight loss, I proceeded to invest a substantial per centage of my wage not on milk stocks but on the product itself. With visions of a waist line within the capacity of the measuring tape dancing round in my head, I also added yoghourt to my diet, consuming it with all the seriousness of a recommended drug. Not only did it turn out to be a punishment, but I believe it is actually what is behind my sudden unexplained weight gain. Then came the clinching headline that milk can cause cancer and I watched my investment go down the drain but not my waist. And for several days I stood irresolute between the two white coated gentlemen at their respective experiment posts giving me contradictory positions on the usefulness of milk, until a solution offered itself.

I remembered me of a little cartoon I read some time ago. In it, a man just coming out of sleep in the morning hears in consternation as a news vendor screams the headline of a newspaper down the street ‘Acid rain is coming!’ Alarmed, he turns to wake his wife to inform her but before he can utter the words, another vendor comes screaming out ‘Martians are coming!’ Likewise, he turns to inform his wife but before he can say the words, another vendor is running down the street with the news ‘Space Invaders are coming!’ Again, he turns to inform his wife but again before he can talk, another vendor comes with ‘Terrorists are coming!’ At this, he simply turns and goes back to bed, drawing the quilt over his head. So, I do the same and turn in the general direction of sleep blissfully ignoring the tirades of the headless headlines.

Everyone has been so taken with the fact that Isaac Newton discovered the law of gravity when an apple fell on his head but I have always marveled that no one ever asked him what he was doing under the tree in the first place. It is possible that he was indulging himself a bit, like our man at the beginning of this story, and it was no surprise that the apple fell on him. The point is that if anyone sits still long enough, why, the sky would fall on his head.

This is exactly the position of a psychiatric patient whose story was related to me a while back. Among his many problems is the fact that he goes everywhere with a cap on his head. He sleeps in it, eats in it, washes in it and even as I speak with you now, is likely to be found sitting in it. When confronted and asked why he does not take it off occasionally, he replies that what no one knows is that there is a large hole in his head which cannot be seen and which the cap is covering. And if he removes that cap, air is likely to blow over and into it, scatter its contents and he might die, so he cannot afford to take the cap off. For the same reason, I think we all had better keep our caps on and refuse to let the uncertain air of these contradictory scientific and unscientific findings scatter the contents of our heads.

This article was first published in New Age in 2006.

July 30, 2017
The sum of our problems

Let sanity and due process guide our national conduct in the matter of the birds and the bees

IT was rather heartening, I say rather heartening, to read something good about Nigeria for a change. When I read about the work of Dr. Samuel Achilefu that has led him into inventing the glasses that can ‘see’ cancer cells, I took courage. I say I took courage and picked up my heart from my boots. It made me believe indeed that better days may yet come in spite of the myriad of problems besetting the country.

On any given day, you’re likely to wake up to all kinds of discouraging things about this country, Nigeria. Today (you can substitute with any day you like since my writing day may not coincide with your reading day) I say today, I woke up to read that sociocultural groups are still butting heads, people are still beheading others (people are guessing it is likely to be for politicians to perform rituals with in readiness for 2019) while the baaad badoo killers are still roaming free on a killing spree (also for the same reason).

Yep, the media also tell us that corruption is still wearing a cocky hat everywhere in the country; the government wants to prosecute people in the entertainment industry for shooting their videos abroad (not the badoo boys) and, wait for it, Nigerian women are not being satisfied by their men sexually! Clearly, after all is said and done about Nigeria’s problems, like someone always says, there’s usually a lot more said than done.

All of us are at least agreed on the fact that these problems are man-made. In other words, they are problems that have been created as a result of the refusal by Nigerians to allow sanity and due process guide our national conduct. Take, as an instance, this problem of sexually dissatisfied Nigerian women, and you have the sum of all our problems.

I mean, I have a few questions on the matter: 1) Do the women know that they are being cheated? 2) Do the men know about the report? 3) Do the men know that the women know that the cheating going on in the boardroom has extended to the bedroom? 4) Do the men know that the women know that the men don’t care one way or the other? 5) Do the women even know that Nigeria is talking about restructuring right now? I think we need answers to these questions before we go on. Let me see if I can have a go at some of them.

Well, to start with, let me categorically state that I am not qualified to meddle in this troublesome topic of the birds and the bees. Only the walls can, and let’s face it, walls can’t talk. The problem is that many men only like to talk about it, many women don’t. Then of course, many are too embarrassed to. Unfortunately, no topic is taboo on this column, so I will just draw a modest veil over my face as I say my few words.

Anyway, according to the report released on the level of sexual satisfaction experienced by women across the world, the Nigerian figures do not even appear. In other words, there are no statistics available for this country for one reason or the other. The simplest would be of course that they probably did not ask. The remotest would probably be closer to the state of affairs: that Nigerian men do not really task themselves too much over their partners’ interests in the matter. Please don’t flay me, I did not say it.

Traditional books on the subject matter mentioned above have tended to portray the Nigerian man as being interested only in number one. Hence, matters relating to taking time to please partners just do not come up. If they do, they come in the form of material goods that turn around to further buy her body for more acts that please the number one so that more goods can come so that… I think you get the drift. That is why men need to steal so much of the government’s money. Its again like the chicken and egg story; keeps going round and round. Come to think of it, life is a little like that: do you live to eat or eat to live and that kind of thing?

Anyway, I doubt if many women are even aware that they are entitled to something called satisfaction in sexual encounters. Again, traditional books on the matter do not say much except that women live to please the men. I don’t really know what that means but I guess it refers to the fact that what happens between the sheets do not enter history books. They exist in the brains of the birds and the bees, not in the women’s. Most women just wake up one day and are handed their little bundles of joy. This is why women can never satisfactorily answer their children’s question: where do children come from?

I think if Nigerian men were aware that someone was keeping tabs on their performance between the sheets, they would concentrate less on stealing so much money and live a little more. They would take the time to look into their partners’ faces and actually see a reflection of their reality. They would see the meaning of life and something of what it consists of: giving of oneself to others either by helping them, giving out substances, or just plain holding them in love. God forbid that a Nigerian man should hold his partner in love. He can hold her in beating, yes; in pinching, yes; in yelling at her, yes; but in love? Nah!

Yep, women are aware of the cheating going on in the boardroom, but I doubt if they knew it had anything to do with what goes on in the bedroom. For most women, life starts and stops in the shops, not in their wellbeing. That’s why many of them just chew the fat and take snuff. Life for Nigerian women is laying down of oneself for others to walk on, or lay on, as the case may be. This is why in many homes now, women are left holding and feeding the children while the men are free to live under the tree playing Ayo and swigging the 404 all day. So yep, the men know that the women don’t know they are being cheated. The women would have organized some kind of unionism on the subject: Association of Grossly Dissatisfied Women of Nigeria (AGRODIW).

But what can the women do? Nothing. That’s why they have accepted their fate, picked up their children and headed to the farms, the shops, the roadside businesses of selling roast corn or plantain. They know the men don’t care. The men also know that the women know this. So, as the women have gone roasting corn, the men have buried their hands more in their agbada to play more Ayo or stayed longer in their offices to rise higher in the corporate ladder.

So, with so much roasting to do, how on earth do you expect women to know that Nigeria is right now talking about restructuring, corruption, or even dissolution? Between the smoke, the sheets and the crying children, it’s all they can do to hang on to their lives for goodness’ sakes.

Clearly, men need to step up on reducing their selfishness; and women also need to step up on reducing their selflessness. As one little girl said, they should both work hard to let everything be on the level. That’s right, let sanity and due process guide our national conduct in the matter of the birds and the bees so that Nigeria can feature in next year’s report.

July 23, 2017
How could I have missed that joke?

When the government begins to tax people for what they don’t provide, then there is trouble in the land or they are asking for trouble

Have you heard that humour kills? Well, it does. Someone was said to have died laughing. However, humour also enriches. July 1 this year was another International Joke Day but I missed it. I failed to tell you how soothing it feels to spread the jokes, make people laugh and forget the jokesters in our midst. No, I don’t mean the professional ones. Those are very serious people. I actually mean the people who govern us at local, state and federal levels. In this land of contrarieties, the punsters take life very seriously, and they get rich by working hard at joke telling, while the ones who govern us take the country like a huge joke, and also get rich by, well, helping themselves to the till. I tell you, humour enriches.

Over a Nigerian radio station this last week, dear reader, I listened while travelling as some government functionary tried to defend the fact that his state now taxes people for sinking boreholes within their premises. What the…! I must confess I was flabbergasted and I immediately thought: such wickedness… such depravity… such inhumaneness… such a huge joke!!! Whose brand of humour could that be, and what stage does he work on?!

Unfortunately, that functionary’s argument that both surface and underground water resources belonged to the state just did not hold water for me, if you’ll pardon the pun. (See, I fancy myself something of a punster too). I ask you, is it not the responsibility of the state to provide water for the people? YES, IT IS. The government should have gone into the ground itself to get the water and distributed it to the people. Then it could tax them for its troubles.

I ask you, is it also not the responsibility of the state to provide electricity? YES, IT IS. Again, I say it should have moved the skies and captured all the lightning of this world to give the people light and then taxed them. SO, IF THE PEOPLE WAITED FOR STATE WATER AND LIGHT AND COULDN’T GET ANY AND THEN UPPED AND HELPED THEMSELVES WITH THEIR OWN MONEY, HAVE THEY SINNED? OBVIOUSLY YES! THE PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE WAITED TO DIE OF THIRST FIRST!

Clearly, there is something off about that government. I am thinking, should they not rather have been apologizing for failure to help the people? Obviously, that government found itself powerless at not being able to reign in enough revenue from its water resources segment because IT DID NOT PROVIDE WATER FOR THE PEOPLE. It now resolved to go chasing after the people wherever they had gone burrowing for water. I tell you, I am covering my eyes for shame at the lack of thought that has gone into this thinking.

When the government begins to tax people for what they don’t provide, then there is trouble in the land or they are asking for trouble. I am wondering why they stopped at water boreholes. What about generators? I mean, there are all these fumes given into the atmosphere from the throats of a thousand generators doing the nightly concert in practically every neighbourhood in this land and killing people off silently. Why shouldn’t the generators or their fumes be taxed? And while that government is at it, why can it not wake up every family that generator fumes have killed off simply because they were trying to provide for themselves what their governments at all levels failed to provide for them, light, and tax them? Then it should even put them on trial for attempted tax evasion through cleverly dying. Shame on us!

That’s right, reader, you can see I am boiling mad today that we’re celebrating jokes. I do not have a bore hole in my house because I am not able to afford one yet. I am saving up for it though because I am tired of opening my taps and hearing that long whistling sound coming out of it signaling emptiness that tells me ‘hello, you can see I am not flowing with water right now, so shut me, please’. I need a borehole. And when I get one, I sincerely hope one water functionary will show up at my house one day and tell me he has come to tax it. Oh no, I will not shoot him. I also do not possess a gun because… well, you know that one. I assure you though, one of us will end up in court for assault and battery. My fists are not famed for being puny for nothing. I’m telling you, this is no joke.

The Joke Day is passed but what the governments have done to the people is certainly a humourless joke. They have completely disabled the people through bad economic policies, not providing functioning infrastructures, not caring about the people in any way and yet expecting them to pay taxes as and at when due. Let me tell you what governments are supposed to do.

Once, I was stopping by a foreign country for a short while and noticed that an additional route to the very wide one that led to a city’s business centre was being constructed. I thought that the volume of traffic on the existing one hardly counted for anything. When I asked why this was being done, I was told that the city council felt that in a few years, the existing route might be overstretched because the population of the city was envisaged to grow given the rate of migration. That government was doing that over and above all else: the light never blinked all the while I was there, the water never ceased flowing, the trains never stopped moving, and I wish I could report that the people never stopped smiling either for happiness. Hmm. I don’t know but I tell you this, that would have been the quantum of happiness for me.

Sadly, I thought, this progressive thoughtfulness could never happen in my country, mainly because I think that governance in Nigeria is practiced by humour merchants. They are players who are busy playing. Unfortunately, they are the only ones clapping to their own jokes. A good example will be a Senator whose name I can’t quite recollect now, representing a state in the middle belt, whose antics before the entire nation resemble those of the long-forgotten Vaudeville Halls – something of a cross between slapstick and burlesque, a ludicrous caricature. Clearly, ideas such as the above come from comedians like that.

I think it will be well if those in governance leave joking to the professionals. Those not only do it better, they get genuine, rib-cracking laughter that brings tears of joy to our faces, even when we have been the objects of their ridicule. On the other hand, let our government functionaries get serious with the art of thinking for governing. Yes, it is an art that requires studiousness and seriousness. It requires character and the heave-ho. It requires nobility of soul, not some tomfoolery travesties that only take one to the gallows. Louis XVI never imagined he could be a victim of the guillotine which had been built for the enemies of the state. Since he was the state, his enemies were automatically enemies of the state. But he ended up becoming a victim of a contraption he contributed to building.

This year’s Joke Day is to remind us that life is short, so laughing matters. We can however prolong life with some good laughter provided by the good jokesters around us. Just look around you; they are there. If you can’t find one, then you have not looked hard enough. Get a mirror; there’s a good joke there.

July 16, 2017
Taking care of the home front

The government should put programmes in place that will not make you and I compete with Chinese or Korean businessmen for the few food items grown on Nigerian soil for the Nigerian market. It is too easy to predict who will lose that contest

Good folks, you are still here; that means Nigeria is still here, thank God. I know, I know, you barely made it through the week; same as I. There are so many things to aggravate us and everyone’s temper is like a tinder box right now, just waiting for one careless match. Don’t mind this country jare. To start with, we have an absent president, who refuses to return home and take advantage of our hospital and hospitality system. I’m tired of offering him both.

Then we are still listening to all kinds of arguments and counter arguments on whether or not the country should restructure, resist restructuring or simply ‘cut wastes’. This last one was a suggestion from a serving government functionary who felt that wastefulness was Nigeria’s problem, what with some governors going in convoys as long as ‘twenty’.

Actually, I was tempted to ask that functionary where he had been all of Nigeria’s life. Long governors’ convoys did not start in a day. The corruption of every aspect of the Nigerian system evolved slowly as a result of the lack of a few good men to man things, which is also the result of the absence of a good system, which is the result of the lack of a few good men… You get the drift?! Nigeria’s problem has since transcended the issue of monetary wastages.

Actually, the one that concerns me most is that with all this fight between EFCC, senate and the governors over where the Paris Club loans went, no one is looking out for my interest. All I am asked to exist on are rumours: rumours about Buhari, the price of gari, tomatoes, and now yam tubers. No one denied or confirmed the rumour about cassava being exported. All we know is that today, gari is no longer ‘the poor man’s food’.

Now, new rumours have started flying around. People are saying that yam tubers are now going to become export commodities as well. Suddenly, the few tubers that were previously affordable to me have gone through the window. I understand that the normal collection of six tubers which sold for two thousand Naira some months ago now goes for more than five thousand Naira. I just thought, only in Nigeria will prices jump like that and no one in government will deign to explain anything to me. The citizens would just grumble, spread rumours as usual and take their snuff for comfort. This is not right.

I have a feeling that government functionaries think that the price of foodstuff has nothing to do with anything in governance. Mostly, most of them carry on as if they already have their lunch in the oven and their dinner frying, so they just could not be bothered if food prices are shooting through the roof. I know the way they think. Why should they be bothered about ordinary food prices when they are not women? Let the women worry about such things. Besides, there are all these billions and billions of government’s monies …

Seriously, I know that most elected functionaries keep every facet of human life in their view. I also know that the most important of these facets remains food. People want to be able to fill their stomachs with as little efforts and as little money as possible. So, it is natural to want to use the most economical system possible to feed. When people are not able to do this, they murmur, then grumble aloud, then shout. Dear government, you do not want to hear the people shout.

In a very general way, I believe the government is interested in people being fed. This is why it has put in place various agricultural schemes for people to take advantage of. How people avail themselves of these opportunities depends on factors pertaining to them. What is apparent however is that many of these programmes have not translated to cheap food being available in the market for the general populace.

Right now, food is very costly in the market. I cannot begin to recount for you how much I was asked to pay for a tiny waste-paper basket of tomatoes yesterday. It was shocking. I tell you, it brought out the grumbles in me. I do not think the government knows what a basket of tomatoes costs in the market right now, or even what yam tubers cost on the street.

The government should know. It should care. These prices have become so ridiculous that people’s grumblings are turning to deep-throated, low shouts. Soon their decibel levels will rise, like mercury, and this planet may be too hot for us all.

The government’s food programme may yet yield results. I trust it will. We should not wait till that time however before planning how to make the benefits of improved agricultural yields available to all. It’s all in the planning: storage planning (Silos where these produce items wait before being moved onwards), and distribution planning (for local and international consumption).

To start with, everyone should have learnt from the problem caused by cassava exportation. There is nothing wrong with exporting produce. It brings in foreign exchange for the farmer, which is what we want. However, it is important to take care that the drive for foreign exchange does not overshadow the drive to satisfy home demands. When home demands are ignored, prices rise. Home fires rise. This is what happened to gari. We should learn to put the home fires out first before turning to the foreign fires. It’s all in the policies.

Look at the agricultural produce consumption policies of other countries. There are strict rules regarding the exportation of such produce. First, a farmer’s output into the market must be gauged against what he wants to send out. Secondly, it may cost a farmer much more to send food out than to bring it in. The story is told of a farmer who had surplus oranges in a particular year. One option was for the government to buy the surplus off him and let him get rid of them. The other option was for him to harvest and send them to a needy country in Africa so that they would not go to waste. The government was said to have slapped him with a hefty bill for the exportation and he timidly chose to destroy the oranges. Someday, our government will get to that point.

I personally find it shocking though that our government is still sitting pretty in ignorance about the price of tomatoes. I was told that when President Obasanjo was in office, he had no idea of these things either. Obviously, someone was not doing his job educating him every morning. Perhaps, he also never asked.

I expect that the first thing to be reviewed at every FEC meeting should be the price of every essential item in the market as available to the common man. That to me is the only way to keep one’s finger on the pulse of the nation. It appears however that Nigerian officials are so removed from reality that they have no idea of reality. This is why they talk like they live and hop around on Planet Mercury, concerned only about their own election woes and ambitions, not knowing what is happening to the average man.

There should be an attitudinal change in the government because everything stops at its table. It should put programmes in place that will not make you and I compete with Chinese or Korean businessmen for the few food items grown on Nigerian soil for the Nigerian market. It is too easy to predict who will lose that contest.

July 9, 2017
What does ‘Nigeria’s unity is not negotiable’ mean?

IT is no news by now that President Buhari has not returned, and has not told me why. Meanwhile, I worry about how much it is costing me as a citizen of Nigeria to keep him in a British hospital. I worry even more that his hospital episodes are not benefitting my country. Only British hospitals are getting the opportunity to hone their skills and become better. I worry, but obviously, the president’s men are not worried.

I also worry about the discordant voices emanating from different Nigerian throats that, as we said before, have never seen strife any bigger than being a few thousands broke. So, I have listened to the rhetoric coming from them and concluded one thing: Nigerians are not capable of learning. For one thing, they are busy talking too much; for quite another, they still think that the country will wait for them forever ‘to get it’.

In all of this though, I have trouble processing this sentence, ‘Nigeria’s unity is not negotiable.’ When the APC government came in, it promised to tackle Nigeria’s major problem: corruption, and make the people ‘get it’. Well, everyone can testify that it has taken a stab at corruption but it is obvious that the phenomenon is more overwhelming than the party anticipated. The result is that corruption seems to be getting stronger, the people are getting weaker, and the land is disintegrating. Nothing incapacitates a people like a weak purchasing power in the face of rising costs. Nothing also angers people more than when their situation is contrasted with the stupid opulence that is severely displayed by the people in positions of authority in Nigeria. This contrast is what is causing the hysteria.

The throats voicing hysteria across the land just now are just symptoms of the deep anger that is fast rolling up into a gigantic ball. Everyone you meet these days is angry at something or other. I am angry at everything – market prices, shortage of amenities, the extremely large lives that governors live, the noises coming from my car telling me to go see my mechanic again; just name it.

With the APC government’s incapacity, the people’s helplessness is rolling up into a rhetoric of hate. However, the survival of this country hangs on how this rhetoric is managed and channeled. Clearly, its management must build in the rhetoric of change and progress. Now, what I don’t understand is the fact that there seems to be a preempting of how that change should go. Don’t get me wrong. I am not a dissolver or a dissolutionist or a disbander. No sir, not a chance of that; I am just inquisitive.

There is an old song that goes thus: ‘time changes everything… because mother nature does some wonderful things…’ This means that everything in the universe undergoes some alteration or mutation to achieve good balance. Just look at my skin. There was a time it could pass for that of a twelve-year-old; I think that was when I was twelve years old. Now, I have trouble convincing people that I’m just twenty-one. My skin is saying something like it’s that of a forty-plus year-old. But who believes what skins say?!

I’m also not a sailor, but I have heard people say that wise shipmen who hope to return home never sail their ship close to the wind. Sometimes, to move forward, they must go backwards or even around. That way they get to fool the wind into thinking that they are no longer on the water. Governance is a lot like that. Please don’t ask me how I know; I’ve never been in governance. I know, however, that anyone who insists on moving through an on-coming problem is daring a tornado: he/she soon knows who is the boss.

Nigeria is facing an on-coming problem and only good change can avert that tornado. Suggestions of how that change should come have ranged from restructuring, to implementing Jonathan’s conference report, to holding a referendum, to a sovereign national conference. Certainly, war is rejected outright. Gen. Babangida lent his voice to the call for restructuring. He even went as far as suggesting the specific areas of governance that can be ‘devolved’ to the states. Like someone said, he artfully dodged, like ‘Artful Dodger’, mentioning resource control.

The national assembly called for the reports of the President Jonathan-organised conference. I don’t know why they did that but I wish that the assembly could take a look at the issues on ground today properly before trying to fit them into a previously recommended mold. It is just possible that the country may have moved miles away from where it was when those reports were compiled, especially when you consider that the earth is rotating at close to 1600 km/hr. on its axis round the sun at nearly 107km/hr. (No, I’m not the clever one here; the internet is). Besides, my major problem with that confab is the fact that the representatives were not elected but selected by Jonathan’s men to go and speak for me. How did anyone know what I was thinking?

On my part, I prefer a referendum, and I think I have called for this more than once in the past. Through a referendum, I get to be able to tell the world whether I want to belong to this country or whether I prefer an island to myself so that I can be as far from all human problems as possible. Seriously, I believe that a referendum would help us to know exactly what every single member of this Nigerian community thinks about staying in the union. I don’t think it is right for anyone to presume to think for his tribe, village or creed. Let everyone have his talk.

Failing this, then let’s have a sovereign conference. If that is done, then elected members can sit down and talk on behalf of their tribe, village or creed. This kind of talk should be more productive because it would allow this country to lay truth bare on the table for a change. The truth about this country is the fact that truth has been hidden for too long under the carpet, I think out of fear, and it is now rebelling there. A Sovereign Conference will force us all to stare it in the face and move ahead.

Naturally, any of these processes should give us some profitable outcomes, pleasant or unpleasant. However, like in any scientific enquiry, the process of the experiment will guarantee the sanctity, or otherwise, of the outcome: restructuring, referendum, or SNC. So, if the country is truly interested in good outcomes, then it should allow the process to run naturally. ‘Dissolution’ or ‘non-dissolution’ should then be the pleasant or unpleasant outcome, neither of which should be forced. This is why I said I did not understand what ‘unity is non-negotiable’ meant.

However, I don’t think energy should be dissipated on this kind of presumption or it will be just another rhetoric. I would prefer to see the government spend its energy on genuinely cleaning up the land and ridding it of wastefulness, not the half-hearted thing it is doing now. If living in Nigeria were to be made profitable for the least among us, I assure you, no one would be interested in going anywhere.

Like someone says, even stones can talk, if you’ll only listen. It is time to acknowledge that the only realistic thing on this earth is change. The country must accept this if things must remain the same. Not clear? I’m not sure I understand it much either. Certainly though, if the government wants to be taken seriously, it must be serious. Failing that, will someone please point me to the nearest island just for me, and myself; no Nigerians? America? Naaaah….

July 2, 2017