Category: Louis Odion

  • Mimiko: Profile in treachery

    Mimiko: Profile in treachery

    A cartoon published earlier by Punch offers perhaps the most prophetic foreword to the political tragedy that climaxed in Ondo on November 26. Someone in an unconscious state is sketched being hustled away from the shelter of the Iroko (big oak tree) as the Good Samaritan mutters, “struck by lightning”. Indisputably, the Iroko moniker is patent for the brand of politics Dr. Olusegun Mimiko has retailed in Ondo State in the past two decades.

    The ill-starred vagrant depicted in the cartoon could only be Eyitayo Jegede, a senior advocate he had anointed to succeed him as governor, only to finish poorly in last weekend’s polls. The cartoonist’s surreal evocation is obviously rooted in Yoruba cosmology, which ordinarily invests the Iroko shrub with some metaphysical prowess.

    But in the event that such powers prove impotent under a tempest, so much that the proverbial lightning could strike so viciously right under its shadow, it is then safe to conclude that such Iroko must have “gba abode” (come under an evil spell).

    What remains therefore is its decapitation as a rite in exorcism. For a man who has more or less dominated Ondo politics in the last decade, so sad that Mimiko would end riotously on a low. Now completely stripped after the November 26 endgame and haunted still by the grotesque shadow of PDP in complete disarray on account of factionalization, it would be entirely surprising today if Iroko is not already filled with nostalgia for the comfort and the peace of mind the old Labour Party had provided him before greed for power lured him to PDP in 2014.

    For an outgoing governor, nothing indeed could be traumatizing as the thoughts of a hostile takeover. For a man obsessed with the affectation of populism over the years and who, by action, seemed forever apprehensive about how future historians would accommodate him, how ironic that Mimiko will have to spend his remaining days in office agonizing more on how to balance the naira and kobo in the financial book, let alone bother about what fate awaits the sundry cenotaphs carved in his image across the state. But let no one shed tears for this prodigal son.

    Alas, the Iroko of perfidy is irreverently toppled by the whirlwind of Karma. Only poor students of history would not have foreseen this calamitous end for Mimiko. In hindsight, it is obvious that the deep fissures in PDP at the national level contributed to Jegede’s defeat.

    But even as the chairman of the PDP Governors Forum, Mimiko acted up his billing as a political sailor without moral compass. All along, he continued to flirt with both the Makarfi camp and the Sheriff faction, perhaps shamelessly hoping to bed one after the other.

    Until Jimoh Ibrahim locked the room and took away the key. To be fair, overall, no one can deny the fallen Iroko credits for modest achievements in the area of improved healthcare (especially maternal welfare) and empowerment of market women through the provision of stalls and soft loans. But with the hostile take-over of last weekend, Iroko has lost the opportunity to have a say in how his story in the last eight years will be officially documented.

    And the stories of his little miracle here and there will likely be completely obliterated when the “enemies” commence a re-write after his exit. Essentially, Mimiko’s tragic flaw stems from the carnal assumption that political success is to be measured only by material acquisitions without subscribing to any enduring moral value.

    To believe in nothing and stand for nothing is the worst cardinal sin. Even common harlots are governed by some ethics – an obligation to keep clients’ confidentiality, for instance. Now, Iroko’s loneliness should be framed in the proper context. In his hey-day, he conveniently chose to believe that politics and politicking could exist in a moral vacuum.

    A psychotic affliction which led my brother and colleague, Sam Omatseye, to memorably characterize him as “whitlow of the South-west”. IN his delusion, the medical-doctorturned- politician forgot that politics is defined by an avowal of a set of values. Without that, the player is perhaps no better than a motor-park tout, scavenging for his next meal ticket.

    To the scion of the otherwise illustrious Mimiko family of Ondo town, politics is all about self and the preservation of narrow interests. That explains why his political odyssey in the last seventeen years would now look more like an adventure in treacheries and infamy.

    As an appointee of Governor Ade Adefarati of Alliance for Democracy (AD) between 1999 and 2002, he was recruited by PDP to undermine his benefactor. When Olusegun Agagu became governor in 2003 through PDP’s now infamous “operation totality” in the South-west, he was compensated with the plum office Secretary to the State Government.

    Barely two years later, he was “promoted” to Abuja as minister. But he wanted something bigger – Agagu’s job! That set him at odds with Obasanjo and Agagu and would ignite a chain of events culminating in his migration to the Labour Party in 2006. His scant regard for loyalty explains why he later felt no scruples in trading the otherwise much cherished Labour badge away for a rickety accommodation in PDP two years ago, thus casually abandoning mid-stream the teeming community of workers across the country who had basked in the illusion of a toe-hold, if not foothold, in political power in Nigeria through Ondo.

    Yet, when it mattered most, when the PDP hyenas callously left him defenestrated in 2006, it was the same Labour that graciously offered him shelter and platform for rehabilitation. Having used the vehicle to gain second term in 2012, he opted to trade with PDP. Without conscience, he owed workers whopping six months salaries, but had money to finance his surrogate’s election bid.

    Without shame, he again attempted to deceive the same labour unions weeks ago by urging them to vote Jegede with a laughable promise to pay after the elections. The same lack of sense of loyalty also explains why Mimiko hardly batted an eyelid three years ago before clamping down heavily on the popular Adaba FM in Akure.

    For airing news items he did not find flattering, he showed naked power by doing the unthinkable – dug a deep valley in the only access road to the station! That punitive action rendered it inaccessible to workers and clients. Yet, when PDP “stole” his mandate in 2007 and he was left alone in the wilderness, the same Adaba FM provided him a platform to speak directly to the Ondo public, at no cost.

    At personal level, the ordeals of Asiwaju Bola Tinubu and Barrister Jimoh Ibrahim are now public knowledge. For all Tinubu’s moral and financial support during the protracted legal battle to reclaim his stolen mandate, Mimiko, emboldened by his new PDP friends in Abuja, would turn round to publicly call his old benefactor unprintable names during his re-election bid in 2012.

    If Jimoh Ibrahim chose to go dirty and personal against Mimiko and his surrogate, it is probably the only way the maverick businessman imagined he could avenge what he considers a great betrayal. The story is told of how the Igbotako-born publisher of Mirror Newspaper had extended huge financial support as well as legal guidance and counseling to Mimiko while fighting Agagu between 2007 and 2008 even though the latter was supposed to be his kinsman.

    But once Mimiko entered office, as the story goes, one of the early actions he took was to move against Ibrahim’s interest in Ondo’s hospitality sector. In 2010 came a big drama at the Akure airport. On landing from Abuja in a chartered propeller aircraft, Mimiko decided to walk over and say “hello” to Ibrahim nestling in his new Challenger jet.

    But no sooner had the governor stepped onto the aisle than Ibrahim reportedly barked at him, wondering what strange coffee he drank: “Who invited you to my plane?! Get out of my plane!!” With his security details left in a quandary as Ibrahim raised hell, Mimiko quietly left the scene.

    The paths of the two old-buddiesturned- adversaries would again cross in 2011 when Ibrahim first sought to contest the governorship on the platform of PDP, the sponsorship of which he had since taken over. As the story goes, then President Goodluck Jonathan counseled him to wait till 2016 as “Mimiko is working for me even though he’s in Labour Party.”

    Though disappointed at the turn of events, Ibrahim obeyed Jonathan. Thus, “federal might” was put behind Mimiko to overrun APC’s Rotimi Akeredolu in 2012, rendering PDP’s own Olusola Oke a political orphan in the polls. But no sooner had Mimiko been sworn in for second term in 2013 than he, characteristically, decided to officially move over to PDP, thus displacing Ibrahim’s as the party leader in Ondo.

    Extravagantly hoping Jonathan would deliver himself in 2015, Iroko began to see himself as PDP’s clearing-house in South-west and, ipso facto, the new Yoruba leader. Today, the lightning has struck and Ibrahim is obviously having the last laugh.

     

    NNPC, stupidity & Niger crude

    Coming on the heels of perceived “re- Northernization” of the commanding height of NNPC and the presidential marching orders for the resuscitation of oil exploration in the Lake Chad trough, the Buhari administration’s latest pet project to construct 1,000km-pipeline to link the Kaduna refinery with Niger Republic is bound to further inflame the nation’s already tense ethnic relations. Maikanti Baru, the Group Managing Director of the Nigerian National Petroleum Company, was quoted as announcing at a town hall meeting in Kaduna last week that the decision stems from the perennial difficulty experienced in transporting crude oil from the South-south to the Kaduna Refinery and Petrochemical Company (KRPC).

    His words: “Due to challenges with the aged refinery and crude oil pipelines that had been breached severely, the operations of the refinery have been epileptic. This we’re determined to resolve through various intervention methods, including evaluation of alternative crude oil supply from Niger Republic through building of a pipeline of over 1,000 kilometers from Agadem to Kaduna.”

    In fact, KRPC’s M. D., Idi Mukhtal, added that the plant was already being reconfigured in view of the new supply source, the way a butcher sharpens his knife before the slaughter. For a significant undertaking with such profound implications for Nigeria’s sovereignty, it is quite alarming Baru acts and speaks so casually.

    One, much has been said about Nigeria’s dis-articulated economy being the root of our national poverty in the face of abundant resources: we import what we already have and export what we seriously lack. Baru’s latest gambit provides yet another comic illustration. If the nation is witnessing forex crisis today, it is partly because the bulk of what we earn from crude export is used to offset the importation of refined petroleum products. It is one vicious cycle.

    So, when Baru finished laying his funny pipeline to Niger, how will he be paying the crude import? Two, an argument has raged back and forth on the viability of the nation’s aging refineries in view of new economic realities with a near consensus that government no longer has business running them.

    In fact, experts have suggested outright sale of the nation’s collection to private investors seen as better equipped to run them more profitably and efficiently. That is why the privately owned 650,000 pbd Dangote Refinery expected to come on stream in two years offers some hope. So, how do we reconcile this with Baru’s proposal?

    Three, it is obvious that the 1,000km pipeline is Karu’s own silver bullet to sidestep the “head ache” from Niger Delta militants opposed to the continued flow of crude from their soil to the north over perceived neglect and injustice. But that is being clever by half.

    A more sustainable approach is to summon the political will and address the long-standing fundamental issues verging on fiscal federalism rather than seek cheap escape route.

    In any case, is it not the same South-south that would invariably finance the construction of the proposed 1,000km pipeline through the daily harvest of crude oil?

  • Re: Soyinka & Trump’s illegitimate kids

    Re: Soyinka & Trump’s illegitimate kids

    On 30th of October, this year, 2016, it was my brother-in-law’s wedding which coincided with our normal Sunday church service. For a usual Sunday service that spans over 4 hours, an additional marriage ceremony was no doubt belabouring and time-sapping.

    But as if the day was not loaded enough, an elderly woman insisted the church must find a way of squeezing in her thanksgiving ceremony. Indeed her request was granted and everything was going-on successfully; one after the other until the thanksgiving woman, as the last event, retired back to her seat, where she slumped almost immediately, prompting some members to carry her outside the church for a first aid before taking her to the hospital. In all, she never made it alive to the hospital.

    As I recounted the incident later to some persons who were not at the event, I saw the usual attitude of people trying to launch into explaining God’s every reaction to our actions:

    Just as some of my church members earlier had concluded it was wrong for the woman to insist on having her thanksgiving at all cost; on her preferred date. And not even one person bothered about her prior medical condition.

    For most of those who slammed in their reasons for her death, no matter her health condition, it is simply preposterous for death to occur in the church. Personally, I see nothing wrong in a woman insisting on thanking God as swiftly as her pregnant daughter and her unborn grandchild survived a life threatening operation, coupled with the message of a successful journey from her only son, who had wandered through the desert into Europe.

    Sometimes when doing the right things fails to guarantee the desired results, I become more philosophical about life, rather than getting more religious. This is the same feeling I have been subjected to since Donald Trump emerged as the American president. For most of us, we thought Trump was unknowingly reinforcing the wrong dispositions because God, we assume, had programmed him for a big shameful loss. And Hillary Clinton was doling out the masterstrokes because it was God’s plan to make her win the presidential election historically.

    As those who hastily gave reasons for the thanksgiving woman’s death because of the pretext that every church is God’s house, which is enough to submerge all rational thinking about her health status; likewise it was right to conclude that God would never allow Trump, a considered preacher of sectarian or racial hatred, to lead unarguably the most powerful nation on earth.

    Relying on such distasteful disposition we have of Trump, it was of no relevance to appreciate that the Muslim religion has become so tainted with hate-oriented carnages of late, needing a cautious discrimination until the world comes up with an app which could make it easier to differentiate a radical Muslim from the non-radical one from afar.

    And because of the exigencies of electioneering, we also considered it was self-annihilating for Trump to openly recant that America’s continuing provision of a safehaven for fleeing Africans, Latinos and Asians from the tyranny and corruptive effects of their roguish leaders, was far from being the solution for the symptoms of such induced wandering.

    PREFERABLY therefore, Trump should lose for not believing it is America’s lot to fix the problems in all other parts of the world even as America is yet to fix its own. For most of us, America must remain a cleansing and bonding receptacle of all that are bad, good, ugly and beautiful. As a model for the world, its benevolence must keep shinning through, and not necessarily taunting immigrants with the arduous task of returning back to fix the problems in their homelands.

    But on a practical note, is Africa not a buoyant continent to sustain its own? Is its wealth not substantially confirmed by nature? Is it not a fact that plants and animals which are not bound by immigration restrictions prefer staying in Africa?Are plants and animals not disappearing or becoming threatened only because of the same misrule which has failed to replenish and protect them?

    Do African men not love Black women more? In spite of Africans’ flair for Western inventions; are marriages between Blacks and people of other races not still considered as means to an end, and not an end in itself? In earnest, if not for the continuous leaching of Africa by its leaders, Africans would have been validly exempted from Trump’s snide immigration and jobseeking remarks.

    All the same, it is not an all-round pitiable situation for Africans. As a matter of fact, Africans should thank the president elect, Donald Trump for reminding them that nature has already used symmetry to define where every tribe ought to find its natural abode. Africans should examine their lifestyles to rightly determine where they belong.

    It is not condemnable for Americans to decide that it is time for them to look inward and address their problems first before any other people or race. Its method of solving such internal problems with the exclusion of others should also not be putrefied as discriminatory. It is simply a wakeup call for Africans to note that running to hide in a safe place with one’s wound, does not make the wound disappear or become healed.

    After the Jews’ holocaust, the remaining Jews had no home to return, no family and poverty was ravaging. Between 1945 and 1948, they rallied in their thoughts and gave birth to the miracle state of Israel. Thankfully, Trump has correctly identified Africa’s problem as emanating from their corrupt leaders. Just before he starts sending Africa immigrants back home, he should please push it as a matter of America’s policy to be giving any corrupt African leader who sets his feet on American soil ‘the Ibori treatment’.

    In the case of Nigeria, we shall be supplying overwhelming evidence of such present and past leaders to have them appropriately jailed. The same persons, who unfortunately in Nigeria, would have been compensated with higher political offices and stately wealth, rather than having them jailed. If Trump can simply launch ‘the Ibori treatment’ into the global perspective of justice, Africans would immediately stop foraging other continents for survival.

    THANK you for this article Mr. Odion. Especially for calling out our uninformed youths who have used the anonymity of the social media space to disparage someone of the stature of WS. That he had to address the issue in order to educate these brain-dead Lilliputians is in itself heart-breaking.

    Funso Famuyiwa YOU confuse us the more with your grammar. What are you talking about? The man promised to tear his green card after Trump’s victory and it is running to two weeks now. Instead, what we hear is grammar.

    The honour of a man is for him to honour his word. Oluwatobi David, Ikoyi, Lagos.: 08128801999 RATHER than resort to hurling cheap insults and abusing the messenger, it will be beneficial to some of you who comment here to learn first, the simple art of reading and comprehension.

    It is evident from some of the comments here, that many of you either skipped or missed completely, their English Comprehension classes while in school. It is a crying shame that Nigeria used to take pride in its education but sadly, it has now become a “dumbed -down” society where many “so-called” school graduates can neither read, write nor spell properly.

    People no longer have the ability to either think critically or read between the lines or to engage in a debate in an intelligent manner. Everything has boiled down to anonymous, unintelligible cheap shots and easy social media styled name-calling exercises. Learn to read, digest and fully comprehend an article first before jumping up to criticize the author.

    Well, you just might learn something useful along the way. And guess what? You would at least come across as a thinking person. Don’t get me wrong.

    Anyone has the right to disagree with any writer here but I hasten to say that you do not reserve the liberty or the license to respond only with sheer insults and no facts, basis or logic whatsoever to back up your errant comments.

  • Oshiomhole in Edo history

    Oshiomhole in Edo history

    Though continents apart, there are a surfeit of parallels between outgoing US President Barak Obama and retiring Governor Adams Oshiomhole of Edo State. Both are not only southpaw and gifted orators, but also united on account of timing and circumstances of their ascension of office. Eight years ago, the world was confounded by the fairy tale of the son of an African immigrant, raised by the maternal grandparents, who clambered through all the odds to lead the most powerful white-dominated nation on earth.

    The same way the Nigerian nation was enchanted by the legend of a lithe lowly factory worker who wrestled down boardroom giants, survived countless incarcerations, roused the labour movement from docility, and would come from the outside to seize power in Edo from ruthlessly entrenched godfathers. The tidings of Obama’s historic win in November 2008 were still ricocheting across the universe when the news of Oshiomhole’s victory filtered in from a Benin courtroom on November 11, drawing the curtains on a titanic legal duel to retrieve the mandate earlier stolen in April 2007 by the Peoples Democratic Party.

    Just as Obama had to nurse America back from deep financial stupor, Oshiomhole met a state that had technically failed on account of sustained gang rape by a succession of military predators and marauding political godfathers. With despondency spreading like cancer across the communities, Edo, once the envy of Portuguese explorers in the fifteenth century, more or less became the new synonym for the exportation of human flesh to western red-light districts. Now approaching the exit point, though narrowly missing on Tuesday the chance of having his own anointed (Hillary Clinton) succeed him, Obama is still credited with high approval rating – an uncommon phenomenon in American politics. Ditto Oshiomhole who, however, bows out of office tomorrow not only in a blaze of glory but also with the distinction of being able to anoint his own successor.

    Looking back, opinions will certainly be divided on Oshiomhole’s style. While his often abrasive rhetoric would grate the ears of those weaned on the diet of diplomatese, what is however undeniable is his deep passion to improve the human condition in Edo. For instance, with the once voracious floodwater now effectively tamed at the iconic 5- Junction, Uselu axis, Uwelu quarters, Siloko, Teachers’ House, Upper Lawani in Benin City today, the first-time visitor will probably take things for granted. But years back, precisely in 2002, this writer had a rather sour experience.

    One had attended the burial ceremony of Kayode Komolafe’s (Thisday DMD’s) father in Igbara-Oke, Ondo State, and then attempted to connect Benin by road. It was raining and already evening when we arrived Uselu. Expectedly, the resultant flood had made a bedlam of vehicular traffic along that corridor. Before long, not only did the raging flood submerge my car up to the bonnet level, I soon found myself and driver gasping in muddy water inside! My immaculate white agbada suddenly transformed to brown.

    That the perennial flood has now receded in that part of Benin City is partly the benefit of the gargantuan N30b storm-water project undertaken in the past six years. It is indeed a monument to Oshiomhole’s daring of a ruthless history, financial courage in the face of sparse resources. In the times ahead, the comrade-governor’s legacy will easily be defined not just by the massive transformation of Edo’s physical landscape but also the regicide of the old guard. While seeking to unravel possible battle stratagem that enabled Oshiomhole’s triumph over the hitherto fearsome godfathers at a valedictory colloquium in his honour in Benin last Sunday, erudite scholar, Professor Adebayo Williams, alluded to the adaptation of military tactics of reconnaissance and surprise attack. Well, what should be added is subversive diplomacy. Only that could explain Oshiomhole’s uncanny ability to charm the Abuja power-mongers for six harrowing years against yielding to the suffocating pressures from then almighty godfather, Chief Tony Anenih, to deploy federal might to over-run the plucky irritant at the Dennis Osadebey Avenue.

    The Oshiomhole administration was conceived in war in 2008 and had to stay vigilant, day and night, till PDP was displaced from Abuja in 2015. As his Information Commissioner at some point, this writer had the privilege of a ringside seat during some of those dark moments. Federal instruments were mindlessly deployed to intimidate the ACN (now APC) government in Edo. At the godfather’ instance, agencies like EFCC were used to harass and torment government officials ceaselessly.

    By 2014, it is on record that one of Oshiomhole’s commissioners had clocked about 100 trips to EFFC to answer anonymous petitions making fictitious claims! During Oshiomhole’s first year in office, PDP completely dominated the state assembly, thus rendering the governor a lame target for Anenih’s snipers. Not until the stolen seats at the Anthony Enahoro House were recovered one after the other through a painstaking legal cockfight lasting another year did the former labour leader eventually find his caustic tongue and begin to spread his wings.

    To neutralize the conclave of godfathers including Anenih and the Igbinedions, Oshiomhole knew he had no choice than to toil tirelessly. To remind the people of the sordid past when public fund was privatized, a giant bill board screaming “No more for the godfather!” was often hoisted by each school, road or hospital project. Not even federal establishments like police and army barracks were left out of the projects bonanza. So much that when a retired General was fielded by PDP in the 2012 polls, results from the barracks showed that soldiers and their wives voted massively for Oshiomhole.

    The latest person to attest Oshiomhole’s indelible infrastructural footprints is President Muhammadu Buhari. After inspecting and commissioning two of such legacy projects (a 200-bed five-star hospital in Benin and a brandnew university in Iyamo), PMB, ordinarily austere with words, was full of adulations for the outgoing governor. By Buhari’s own account, today’s Benin has almost become unrecognizable compared to the picture of the rustic city he was forced to reside three decades ago.

    Since he became president, outside his native Katsina, Edo should rank as one of Buhari’s most preferred destinations for official visit. Between May 2015 and now, he has visited the state thrice. This, said he, is “only because Oshiomhole has done well. Each time, I always have good projects to commission.”

    The weight those words carry is better appreciated given Buhari’s own involvement in the narrative of the old Bendel State on account of an accident of history. Precisely 30 years ago, a nondescript bungalow at No 8 Commercial Street in Benin GRA became his new detention camp after a stint in Akure following the August 27, 1985 palace coup led by General Ibrahim Babangida.

    Though he would spend the next two years in solitary confinement, Buhari, from the “secrets” declassified these past few days, still found ingenious means to feel the pulse of his immediate surrounding, if not the nation at large. His cook then has since grown through the ranks to become the present chief matron at the Benin Government House. It was, therefore, quite an emotional moment between the former political prisoner and the care-giver after Oshiomhole introduced Mrs. Grace Ilechukwu to the president during the luncheon Monday afternoon.

    Two, while Buhari’s detention lasted, the then military administrator, Brigadier John Inienger, creatively devised a means of getting newspapers to him, at a huge risk with his then commander-in-chief (IBB) in Lagos. The unwitting “smuggler” was no other than Senator Ehigie Uzamere, then a senior architect with the Bendel Development and Property Authority. Inienger, recalled Uzamere to this writer with an impish smile, tersely stated he wanted newspapers supplied daily to “my close relation staying No 8”.

    That was how the then starry-eyed civil servant began to drop off newspapers at the gate of the said house each morning for close to two years, without ever having the faintest clue the recipient was actually the nation’s biggest political prisoner and the immediate past No. 1 citizen. On arrival in Benin last Monday, the president, forever a man of simple taste, preferred to stay in a very modest apartment in the Goldmine, the Guest House inside the Government House complex. The governor and wife had already evacuated their own apartment on the eve of Buhari’s visit but were soon told the august visitor would just be fine with the “small place”.

    BUT beyond the issue of brick and mortal lauded these past few days, more far-reaching is Oshiomhole’s dismantling of the pillars of Tuketuke politics as embodied by the old barons of the PDP. That had meant the disempowerment of the people over the years by a small fraternity of profiteering godfathers.

    While the primaries that produced the flag-bearers for both APC and PDP in the September 28 polls were undoubtedly rancorous, at least there was a consensus among the local political class that intra-party democracy was growing, unlike in the past when the godfather would arrogantly foreclose any contest and unilaterally dictate who got what. In the final analysis, it would be intellectually dishonest not to acknowledge a new concern. Even as the ashes at the funeral pyre of the old order begin to wax cold, some are beginning to express apprehension at the prospects of godfatherism resurrecting in another form elsewhere.

    While such fear is indeed legitimate, let it however be said that such reading abysmally fails to be cognizant of the logic of change. Once the people had already tasted the honey of “one man, one vote”, they are unlikely to easily cower before the forces of imposition next time without a fight. If nothing at all, Oshiomhole already deserves praise for the new culture. So, will the furiously adamant Adams, master of withering wit, the Nemesis of PDP, the conqueror of Anenih and other little political gods and the scourge of Tuketuke politics now step forward and take a bow.

     

     

    PMB, Magu & ‘the cabal’

    Anyone still wondering why the hardworking Ibrahim Magu has not been confirmed EFCC chairman yet, one year on, could not be familiar with high-wire intrigues in Abuja. Statutorily, the Senate confirms the nomination. But the presidency originates the memo.

    But the truth is emerging. Since Magu had the temerity to touch cases where members of the now familiar “cabal” nestling in the presidency had interest, there no no urgency to forward the critical memo to the National Assembly. Then, President Muhammadu Buhari had to be abroad on a short medical trip.

    The acting president, Professor Yemi Osinbajo, a pious man not given to malice but driven only by desire to get results, caused the memo to be sent the Senate. The “cabal” was caught off-guard. Not to worry, on Buhari’s return, they resolved to activate the “network” in the legislature to mount a fresh hurdle.

    Yes, virtually everyone nominated the same time with the EFCC boss has been confirmed. As for Magu, the memo was not enough; he needs to bring DSS clearance as well. There now lies the new “roadblock”. The “cabal” has a foothold in DSS. The Cold War between the “cabal” and the EFCC acting chair played out in the recruitment of DSS to enforce the night raid on the homes of top judges suspected of sleaze.

    Until the president reportedly directed the SSS to allow EFCC take over the matter. It is in this light that the rest of the nation is waiting on President Muhammadu Buhari to take a step further and stop all these shenanigans.

    It is one thing for the political leadership to formulate policies; it is another thing to have a crop of committed disciples to implement the vision. So far, no one can deny the commitment of Magu in providing new vigour to EFCC in the war against corruption. He has demonstrated uncommon passion for his job in the last twelve months. But as things stand today, Magu could not be said to have even an appointment letter. It is really funny.

  • Love in the time of recession

    Love in the time of recession

    With the stocks looking stuck on the economy front, with figures simply no longer adding up, it seems inevitable that more and more Nigerians would instinctively seek solace in the elementary, yet most transcendental, vocation ever known to man – the pursuit of love.

    Even at that, there is no guaranty of easy win. For rarely is the amatory arrow fired from the bow of love ever so dead on target. Driven more by passion than reason, more of emotion than the material, love does not lend itself readily to scientific outcome. The ones we love don’t care for us; those dying for us we can’t stand.

    The result is what would then seem the growing infiltration of the Nigerian narrative, this usurpation of the national space, by Gabriel Marquez’ quirky characters. From the dramatic tale of unrequited love in Lagos to the farce of an aborted wedding in Delta, the comedy of lesbian sex video in Anambra, to the tragedy of a lady suddenly giving up the ghost in the heat of passion in Oyo – all within a week, the nation is now evidently plagued by a contagion of heartbreaks.

    In his epic “Love in the Time of Cholera”, Marquez unveils Florentino Ariza, the tireless soldier of romance, who will endure a more than fifty-oneyear wait, compose uncountable stirring love letters, survive 622 forbidden affairs, before landing the chance to finally consummate a love nursed from teenage for Fermina Daza. Fermina, the object of this infatuation, becomes available only after the passing of her legitimate spouse, Juvenal Urbino, urbane physician of the high society.

    But, alas, that is when biological toll had already sapped Florentino of strength to intensely savour the fruit of what had been a life-long obsession. From the outset, Florentino’s quest will seem a tall order indeed. Scion of a pauper, who begins life as an apprentice telegrapher, longs after the haughty daughter of a wealthy tycoon.

    Before being beaten to the game by Urbino, Florentino had tried all tactics imaginable. Like taking a telescopic view of Fermina from under a tree at night through opened shutters of the window and feverishly blowing through a pipe assorted love melodies whose tunes will, in turn, be mercifully transported by the winds in her direction. Now, let us look closer home.

    Doesn’t Florentino’s well documented extra-ordinary exploits remind of Tunde Agbaje, the young man who grabbed national fame early in the week following reports of the successful completion of a tortuous 19-day trek from Ketu, Lagos to Zaria, Kaduna, just to demonstrate nothing more than a love he had nursed for one Miss Sharon Donald since 2010. 26-year-old Tunde, obviously unemployed, is said to be a cousin of politician Jimi Agbaje, the flagbearer of Peoples Democratic Party in the 2015 Lagos governorship poll.

    Equally 26-year-old Sharon, daughter of a former South-South governor, is presumably well off. (At this writing, one was still unable to confirm if her dad is the same like-able Donald Duke, the similarities being too striking.) According to Tunde, the decision was borne out of a desire to do for Sharon what no man, certainly no reasonable man, will even contemplate. And the symbolism of the choice of Zaria as destination was intended to be the icing atop the extra-ordinary cake.

    Through discreet research, he had learnt that Sharon’s own parents dated for six explosive years at the university located in that ancient city before deciding to sign the dotted lines. When he first broached the idea of a cross-country trek with his own Fermina, Tunde stoically recalled she, as usual, mocked him it was akin to a suicide mission. But he was far too smitten by Sharon, far too inebriated with – – the liquor of love, to care or be scared of, say, kidnappers or ritualist or wild beast on the way.

    In case Sharon may be doubting, he arranged for his photograph to be taken in transit and circulated online, decked in a red (the colour of love!) sleeveless vest and shorts, red socks pulled near the knees and black sneakers. And for the records, on arrival on October 21, he was reportedly received by the Chief Security Officer of the Ahmadu Bello University, Colonel J. K. Turkur (rtd), and the protocol office of the Emir of Zaria. To ward off any obstacle from the home front, Tunde had devised the most unassailable stratagem.

    His words: “I didn’t let my parents know and to ensure I was not disturbed, I changed my SIM card. I took a tracker along with me to monitor my movements… It was a tough task and I even collapsed some of the times… I have proved my love for her, even though she didn’t reciprocate my feeling.” CONTACTED by The Punch, Sharon perfectly acted up Fermina. Not only did she dismiss Tunde as a stalker, she hinted his obsessive pestering drove her from Nigerian shores to faraway United States in the first place: “(T)his is just a new escapade in a series of his harassment… My mum warned him to leave me alone, but he refused. I changed my phone number and moved to the US, but I don’t know how he got my contact.

    I’ve stopped picking calls from Nigeria because of him…This guy is mentally unstable, because how can you still be stalking a woman who has turned you down for six years.” With that, it is obvious Sharon is oblivious that the mythical Florentino waited for a total of 51years, nine months and four days, in a roll. So, at six years today, the tenacious Tunde could be said to still be within the take-off perimeter. But, all told, we miss the bigger picture if our aperture focuses on Marquez’s Florentino only as the hero of unrequited love.

    Through his odyssey in the land of the forbidden apple after Urbino took Fermina away, his taxing marathon in the race of romance, Florentino ultimately takes us to the brightest height and darkest depth of the human emotion.

    Conversely, by his stamina so far, Tunde will certainly elicit today sharply disparate emotions across the nation’s vast spectrum, whichever the lens he is viewed: moral, social or economic. While that may potentially be distractive, one point is beyond contestation. Tunde is a strong metaphor for growing youth disengagement, the productive population at the nadir today.

    What else would make a sane young man embark on this sort of perilous adventure if not unemployment. Were he gainfully employed, Tunde would certainly need more than a casual leave to afford this venture. Last weekend, elsewhere in a sleepy community in Udu Local Government, Delta State, Florentino’s ghost reappeared.

    It came by the story of one 41- year-old Julius whose bride suddenly sprang to her feet and bolted from the wedding shindig onto the adjourning street, her immaculate white gown fluttering in the autumnal wind, hotly pursued by the bewildered groom. As reported by Vanguard on Wednesday, the new wife identified as 32-year-old Rose simply shouted “I’m no longer interested!”, to annul the entire event.

    That precipitate action was said to have been prompted by her suddenly sighting her former suitor, indeed her true love, in the crowd of guests. (This time, a determined Florentino chose to disrupt Urbino’s victory dance.) Overall, whereas unrequited love is depicted in Florentino’s longing for Fermina, we see the dangerous variant in his assignation with the mental patient. We see adulterous love in Urbino’s own affair.

    In Anambra these past few days, we see the dangerous love in the lesbian sex video involving Miss Chidimma Okeke, the beauty queen, leaked allegedly by a now estranged business partner and has been titillating online oglers salaciously. The defence quickly marshaled by her publicists is that the act preceded her winning the pageant. But that hardly absolves the stupidity. Only a lunatic daring would make a young lady agree to be recorded in such condition in the first place. The National Coordinator of the Association for Universal Moral Education, Rev. Sister Theresa Nwodo, blamed it on poor parental care. One cannot agree more.

    Come to think of it, in hard times such as this, those pressed for cash will likely resort to seeking to make up in kind. Anticipating possible backlash on an epidemic scale in restricted quarters, especially the ivory towers where many a lecherous male tutor has over he years built a dark reputation of taking advantage of vulnerable female students, the Nigeria senate last week did the needful. Without a single dissent, it passed a bill (Sexual Harassment in Tertiary Education Institution) criminalizing the act and prescribing a punishment as stringent as fiveyear jail term for anyone found guilty. (Well, after the successful execution of “sting” operation against corrupt judges, speculations are mounting that the academic citadel is next on DSS’ gun-sight.)

    AGAIN, Florentino’s adulterous love played out recently in Ibadan where 48- year-old Sadiat Adejuwon reportedly died during a romp with her 50-year-old lover, Fatai Busari. In his bid to impress her, the lothario allegedly ingested an overdose of stimulant. However, no one could say with certainty yet if that triggered the deceased’s premature death. After hearing the case, an Ibadan magistrate ordered the suspect be remanded in prison.

    Elsewhere in Katsina, just when the high society was still battling with the hang-over from the colourful nuptials last weekend of President Buhari’s second daughter, came this rather apocryphal report that his new son-in-law, a former bank chief, has come under EFFC radar over an alleged past sleazy deal involving a staggering sum. Well-wishers can only pray and wish that this turns out another hoax.

    Regrettably, this dramatic turn of event seems to have robbed many of the grace to ask the other question: did it ever cross PMB’s mind during the nikai ceremony to sample his new son-in-law’s opinion whether the “amaria” (Hausa for new bride) should be limited to “the kitchen, living room and the other room?”

  • Glossary of a murky season (3)

    Glossary of a murky season (3)

    In line with the tradition of this column, today, we look back with a view to compiling words/phrases which have crept treacherously into public conversation lately. As we shall soon find, nothing best dramatises, with searing intensity, the national condition presently than the frequency of the use and abuse of such terms in the ensuing public chatter.

    Reject: In Christendom, particularly the Pentecostal community, adverbial phrases like “I decree”, “I declare”, “I reject” and “I bind” are no ordinary terms. They describe the never-ending fierce contestation between the pious on the one hand and “powers and principalities” and “spiritual wickedness in high places” on the other.

    The reason it is therefore becoming a matter of grave national concern that when people get nominated for otherwise plum (“juicy”, if you like) appointments lately, more and more of the supposed beneficiaries expected to be full of joy and rejoicing would rather casually intone “I reject”. At the last count, out of the forty-something ambassadorial nominees unveiled last weekend, two had responded with “I reject” within two days (Paulen Tallen and Usman Bugaje).

    Just when the nation was still striving to absorb the thunderous shock came another stunner: chairman- designate for the Nigeria Electricity Regulatory Commission (NERC), Professor Akintunde Akinwande, rejected his own nomination. The senate screening committee waited all day on Tuesday; the nominee chose not to dignify either the appointing authority or the screening board with his presence, not even a word.

    Now, there is growing apprehension as to what all of these portend. Does the much touted change mantra actually imply conscription (in the fashion of the military in a war situation) or people just getting listed for a national assignment without prior consultation?

    Or, much more disturbing, is someone beginning to see what the rest of us, mere mortals, seem yet incapable of deciphering – the newly unmasked but no less fearsome “demons of Aso Rock” – thus necessitating the affirmative “I reject!”?

    ‘Oga is unhappy’: When and where next you hear this phrase, you are well advised to take another disapproving look at the speaker or better still, flee from them as swiftly as your feet will allow, particularly if uttered near court-room or home of top judicial officer. Moreso, if a high profile case is being heard. Lest you stand the risk of being subpoenaed as accessory in a premeditated bid to pervert the cause of justice either at an election tribunal or Appeal Court or, in the extreme circumstance, the Supreme Court.

    So, to be on a safer side, it is highly recommended that you mind what text messages you send via your cell-phone or who you call or allow the line registered in your name, backed indisputably with your biometrics, be used to make a transactional call to serving judge or court registrar.

    Additionally, it may not even be out of place if you add the wearing of hand-gloves to your personal safety routines, in case fingerprints are to be tracked. As has now been sensationally revealed in the past few weeks by erstwhile judicial hunters stealthily hunted down in the dead of the night by hooded gnomes from DSS, the phrase “Oga is unhappy” is usually the prelude to being co-opted into probable treasonable felony.

    Of course, it is not without a monetary offer conceived deliberately to out-bid other interested parties in influencing the judicial outcome. Someone, obviously a ranking member of the sitting government, would have begun to recount, unsolicited, how the proceedings thus far had generated jitters in the innermost sanctum of power.

    Lexically unbundled, the statement is therefore half threat, half plea by the meddlesome executive interloper that the law be interpreted and the judgement worded in a manner that would make “Oga at the top” happy.

    However, what remains undisclosed is in which currency would the other promise of “welfare” be redeemed – naira or dollars. New-improved State Vigilante Service: Once, vigilante job was thought reserved only for low-life courtesans whose sole credentials were not more than heavy biceps and roughnecks bedecked with amulets and charms. For instance, in parts of Southeast a decade or so ago, you would see the “Bakassi Boys” patrolling the street corners and the highways in open-roof vans, hunting for “criminals” and just any “undesirable element”.

    But as things appear to be getting more and more sophisticated in today’s Nigeria, much glamour would appear to have been injected into vigilante service such that even some state governors themselves no longer seem to mind being re-designated as provider of vigilante solutions on demand. Anyone in doubt only needs to make enquiries at the Government House in Port Harcourt or Ado-Ekiti.

    A mere phone call was all required recently to rouse Governor Nyesom Wike from presumed executive slumber in the swanky comfort of the Rivers White House to “mobilize” and rush to the aid of a Justice whose residence had been surrounded by columns of DSS snipers looking for a princely $2m allegedly warehoused by his lordship suspected to be his lordship’s own share from the bazaar of cash-for-favourable-judgements against which a national crackdown is presently being enforced.

    (By the way, the embattled Justice had over the last couple of months entered judgments favourable to the Rivers governor.) And so was the Rivers Executive Vigilante Service ably led by the muscular Wike able to successfully thwart the agents of federal authorities from performing what ordinarily was a legitimate duty, clearly underscoring the dysfunctionality of Nigeria’s federalism.

    But ask the hyperactive Wike if he would similarly react to an SOS from a nameless citizen surrounded by marauders in, say, the street next to the Government House at such ungodly hours, he is likely to response by first seeking to establish if the questioner belongs to the opposition party… Elsewhere in Ado-Ekiti, Governor Ayo Fayose rendered similar vigilante services to Precious, spouse of Mr. Femi Fani-Kayode, when encircled at a local branch of Access Bank by EFCC following an alleged attempt by her to withdraw cash from a tainted account against which a lien had been placed.

    What’s more, the bespoke Ekiti Executive Vigilante Service is also available to be deployed, at short notice, against straying cows with a view to literally giving bite to a new law seeking to regulate the conduct of herdsmen in the state. So enamored of the twin virtues of transparency and accountability is Fayose that he has since declared that any cow found wanting would instantly be put to the service of “stomach infrastructure”.

    Now, the latest is that the herders union has rushed to Aso Rock for a closed door meeting, the communique of which is yet to be made public. Sting: Other than bees, the only man known to have ever openly confessed to stinging since the dawn of time is boxing legend Muhammad Ali who “floated like butterfly and sting like bee.” But not anymore. Certainly not in Nigeria following the recent coordinated night raids by agents of the Department of State Security (DSS) on the homes of seven top judges across the country. So, to “sting” now means to “shock and awe” anyone suspected of illicit transactions and hiding the proceeds – preferably dollars – at home. And now associated with this chilling word are a few annotations by way of drama sketch.

    Determined to cart home his own loot at once, one of the judges “stung” was said to have, upon being handed $80,000 cash behind closed door, temporarily shed all magisterial pretenses, resorting to an improvisation thought too extreme given his status. Pronto, his lordship reportedly removed his shoes and meticulously stacked the eight bundles of the greenbacks inside the pair in the fashion of a seasoned tomato vendor arranging their wares delicately.

    With nothing left to hide, the said judge then clutched the “padded” shoes in his hands and, obviously drunken with joy at a mission clinically accomplished, did not mind walking barefoot thereafter to his vehicle in the car-park, under the cover of darkness. In another instance, a judge simply chose to roll on the floor before the DSS boss upon reading halfway a detailed report of a clandestine surveillance of how he had been merchandising court judgments over the years.

    Paden: Months ago, the word “pad” in political terms only described the incidence of lawmakers injecting budget proposal brought by the executive branch with their own pecuniary provisions. Refreshingly, the frontier has been extended. Add the suffix “en”, it now means to lie willfully, worse, at old age. So, to “paden” a story or report or biography is to sugarcoat or exaggerate accounts given by sources without fear of being controverted. We must thank American-born scholar, Professor John Paden, for this addition to our growing vocabulary by way of personal example.

    In the 80s, he was similarly commissioned to write a biography of the north’s political folk hero, Sir Ahamdu Bello. Carried away by his commission, he ended up attracting more opprobrium than accolades to himself and his sponsors on account of the negative lights he chose to present the masses’ own hero, Mallam Aminu Kano. Like the proverbial leopard, the character of intellectual mercenary rarely changes.

    Now paid to put together the narrative of President Buhari’s political evolution three decades later, the old man again took liberty to falsify facts, worse, of recent history. Without research, he enters a mere hear-say as gospel truth in his biography of PMB presented recently that Professor Yemi Osinbajo emerged Vice President against the wishes and desire of the man widely known to be his political benefactor, Asiwaju Bola Tinubu.

    No sooner had the book been presented than all hell literally broke loose. Key actors in the political drama that culminated first in Buhari’s victory at APC’s primaries in December 2014 and eventually his triumph in the March 28, 2015 presidential polls have since punctured Paden’s account as revisionism, if not pure fiction.

    The coup de grace was delivered by no other than VP Osinbajo himself who has unambiguously stated that “somebody somewhere nominated me” as VP. Cabal: These words beginning with letter “c” evoke dark imageries – cabal, clique and cartel. Of the three synonyms, cabal has however gained more currency today relative to the rise of two or three power-brokers in Abuja said to determine who gets what in the Buhari presidency.

    True, the spectre of a cabal is not entirely new phenomenon within the Abuja power calculus. Just like the effervescence of power, it surely has its own expiry date. For instance, how much of Turai, Ruma, Tanimu Yakubu et al do we hear today? Yet, they constituted the all-powerful cabal in the Umar Yar’Adua presidency. Under Goodluck Jonathan, power was obviously shared between four cabals led, curiously, by women: Patience, Dieziani, Stella Oduah and Okonjo-Iweala. So much that, for example, not on a few occasions did Patience (a.k.a Mama Peace) physically lead her husband out of the presidential jet on foreign soil during what was supposed to be state visits. What however makes its latest mutation under Buhari a bit spectacular is that the new cabalists are either PMB’s uncle or nephew and collectively make little or no pretense at finesse in person or show care for national sensibilities in public conduct.

    Though inconsequential and invisible during the titanic battle to wrestle down a sitting president, these men have suddenly transformed to the ultimate beneficiaries of APC victory who, according to Aisha Buhari, now virtually dictate the terms of all the transactions in Abuja and dominate even little matters like NTA spotlight. While her husband appears to be more fixated on who occupies the kitchen, living room and the “other room”.

    Being Dumb: For those still stupefied at the phenomenon of Donald Trump in the US 2016 elections and its dire implications for the peaceful co-existence of the human races across the universe, a simple lexical formula has been provided by a US talk-show host to explain the absurdity. According to him, when Donald is merged with Trump (d+ump), the hybrid sounds like “dumb”.

    This is said to be why no tactic seems too vile, nor weapon considered unthinkable or word too vulgar for Trump to utter in his obsession to be US’ next president. The latest to disavow the Trump candidacy are British tycoon Richard Branson and the influential Harvard Republican Club.

    Whereas the Virgin Atlantic boss on Wednesday recalled Trump struck him during lunch together earlier as “someone who likes listening only to himself”, HRC is breaking its tradition of endorsing the Republican nominee on election eve for the first time in its 128-yr history. Its reason: “In Trump’s eyes, disagreement with his actions or his policies warrants incessant name-calling and derision: stupid, lying, fat, ugly, weak, falling, idiot – and that’s just his ‘fellow’ Republicans. He isn’t eschewing political correctness. He is eschewing basic human decency.” Indeed, when not found groping vulnerable women, Trump is either busy threatening to build massive wall instead of bridge between US and neighbours or making incendiary comments against the black race. Well, never mind.

    It is all part of being plain dumb, they say.

  • Upgrading Buhari to 4G tech

    Upgrading Buhari to 4G tech

    Unwittingly, President Buhari exposed a fortnight ago the dingy side of the digital divide he inhabits on the eve of the nation’s Independence Day anniversary. The occasion was the presentation of a picture book in Abuja. Responding to perspectives offered by a youthful panel of arts entrepreneurs on how to maximize the potential of the creative industry in a digital age, PMB’s prognosis was, at best, analogue.

    The Federal Ministry of Information, he argued, should devote more resources to expand existing radio infrastructure because, according to him, they offer a broader platform to reach more Nigerians.

    Before you begin to wonder the theoretical basis of that presidential conclusion, here was his simple thesis: “Today, those who have television may not have light. As for newspapers, anything above N100, most people cannot buy because that means a lot from the salary they may be earning. But people will always listen to radio to get information because it is free.”

    With a president unabashedly revealing such bias, I bet all any smart Information Minister needs to do to have his budget for 2017 doubled is simply pad (that treacherous word again!) his draft with all manner of proposals relating to radio, radio and radio.

    Ha!

    But I dare say PMB could not possibly be speaking of contemporary Nigeria documented to boast a greater young population who are not only quite restless in the social media but are at home with all the accoutrements of the new info tech age. While the nation’s population is put at over 180m as at 2016, those under-15 account for 45 percent of that figure. Those between the age bracket of 15 and 24 approximate 19.3 percent. Roughly put, Nigerians under 30 account for close to 70 percent of our national population.

    As against the Mungo Park-bequeathed transistor radio Buhari seems to be romanticizing, the young Nigerian netizens are addicted to Facebook, WhatsApp, Face Time, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat etc in their everyday conversation. (In fact, the president’s daughter, Zara, is a popular figure on Twitter and Instagram.) Really, the new buzz word of the day is the revolutionary 4G LTE (long term evolution) technology currently being aggressively launched across the country by Glo.

    By the way, Glo, a wholly indigenous telco led by Dr. Mike Adenuga Jnr. , accounts for a substantial chunk of the active 150 million phone lines in the bourgeoning telecom market and has so carved a niche for itself that it is now commonly addressed as the “Grandmaster of Data”. (Alongside the likes of Dangote, Glo is also flying the Nigerian flag proudly across the African continent, regardless of the stifling climate at home.) So robust, the ICT sub-sector, of which the GSM telephony is biggest player, accounts for a colossal  8 percent of the country’s Gross Domestic Product in 2014.

    So, in this light, to be most charitable, PMB’s radio postulation can be entertained as perhaps only true of Nigeria of the early 60s with a population of 45.2m. He must be speaking nostalgically of the disappearing traditional society where town-crier beats gong about to draw communal attention. Today, anyone still clinging to that memory will be classified outdated. For such reading is now representative of the lifestyle of only a small sample of the populace. And the curators of this fading culture would be found largely in Buhari’s own section of the country.

    In their own youthful days, PMB’s generation doubtless made an art of writing and exchanging rose-scented mail by post. But texting and pinging are the new forms of expression among young Nigerians of today.

    The concept of dictionary and research is also changing. Those days, people literally wrestled with the “big words” and crammed them up from the hard copy. Today, the average young Nigerian would rather take the short-cut by simply consulting google on the go. And with more giga bite now coming for less sum, the electronic channel becomes even more convenient and affordable for researchers.

    Gone also are the days the state could monopolize the airwaves. Thanks to You Tube, non-state actors have turned the cyber space to no man’s land.

    This point needs be stressed with a view to not only liberating PMB from the iron captivity of archaic understanding of trend but also assisting him to better appreciate the demographics of the nation he is supposed to be leading. That should, in turn, help in framing clearer messages as well as devising better communication strategies to effectively engage various segments of the population. Without appreciating this nitty gritty, policy-makers will continue to act in vain. Without understanding the language of the dominant segment of the population, how then can a leader possibly hope to inspire such folks to action.

    If in doubt, PMB is humbly advised to upgrade to the Glo 4G tech and will surely find countless solutions to everyday challenges through a surfeit of APPs on offer. By simply deploying appropriate APP, for instance, the president would not have to re-enact the hilarious antiquity witnessed pictorially by the nation at large sometime last year as he meticulously undertook a count of his vast herd in his Daura ranch before manually keeping the records in an exercise book with a BIC pen.

    Henceforth, a software will seamlessly keep such and update same electronically on his cell-phone. And when hopefully the government-built grazing reserve (cattle ranch?) comes on stream, with a giant screen enabled by 4G tech, PMB can conveniently monitor the progress of his prized cows from the privacy of his bedroom in Aso Rock, real time.

    Henceforth, whichever corner of the universe the president finds himself in hot pursuit of either FDI (foreign direct investment) or loot hidden by past political leaders, the real-life effect 4G tech brings will enable him have a video-conference via a multi-media screen with the Federal Executive Council and engage each minister more intimately as though he were physically occupying the iconic leather swivel chair overlooking the main chamber inside Aso Rock.

    In medicine, 4G means our local surgeons are better placed to create a virtual theatre by simply co-opting other experts on the other side of the Atlantic and share critical knowledge and experience via a giant screen.

    Not wanting to be left behind, this writer patiently waited on the queue in Lagos few days ago to have his primary work tools – i-Pad and i-Phone – upgraded to 4G tech on the Glo network. The experience was simply amazing. One had missed the second edition of the Hillary Clinton/Donald Trump debate in the early hours of last Monday (Nigerian time). But one only needed to activate google search hours later and the abridged version popped up with lightning speed and the picture was of high definition and the sound of digital clarity.

    Momentarily, I forgot we are in a recession.

  • At the gate of political hell, godfather’s last gamble

    At the gate of political hell, godfather’s last gamble

    Ordinarily, the choice before Edo voters on September 10 should not pose a burden heavier than the simple ceremony of sieving the grain from the chaff. The contention is between APC and PDP.

    But given the ongoing legal cockfight in PDP resulting in its iconic umbrella being literally torn in the court of law between Markafi and Sheriff, it is safe to assume that a fatal preliminary own goal is already scored against the Edo branch of the once “biggest party in Africa”.

    Barely a week to the election, no one is able to answer with confidence yet a very simple question: PDP’s votes on the D-Day is for Markafi’s Osagie Ize-Iyamu or Sheriff’s Mathew Iduoriyekemwen?

    If the foregoing observation is legal, the second test is material. From 1999, PDP ruled the acclaimed “heartbeat of the nation” for 114 months, while APC has administered it for 94 months so far.

    However, looking back, whereas the majority of Edo people will ascribe to APC under Comrade Adams Oshiomhole plaudits for improving the human condition appreciably with a surfeit of monuments across the state as further proofs, PDP’s testimonial is hideously scanty besides the cultivation of a small oligarchy whose hierarchs have either successfully completed jail term for colossal looting or are today luxuriating in obscene wealth amassed solely through the grace of Tuketuke politics.

    Based on these verifiable facts, it will not be out of place to submit therefore that PDP is already too morally fractured, facially disfigured to stand a chance in the coming election. But drawing the curtains on the debate there so summarily would rob distant observers the opportunity to fully understand the shape and nature of the real forces now at play, ferociously angling for Edo’s political soul. It is actually a titanic battle between defenders of a movement that boasts of delivering something to the society regardless of its own imperfections and the barons of a discredited past plotting a return to power.

    The historic challenge before the intelligentsia today therefore is to help bring some illumination that the people can make informed choice in the leadership recruitment process. For clarity, yours sincerely does not only hail from that section of the country but also privileged to have served as a commissioner in Edo until one’s resignation last November. During the period, one gained sufficient insight as well as had one-on-one interactions with the key players across the divides.

    So, as a writer, one is not shy to admit one has a professional interest, and as a native a civic responsibility to share one’s perspective for Edo’s advancement.

    True, no one will say incumbent Adams Oshiomhole is perfect. All known angels will be found in heaven. To me, whatever personal inadequacies the Comrade Governor may have pale into insignificance considering the weight and value of his contributions in the past eight years. Really, it is impossible to change society without making some enemies. The tale of transformed physical landscape under his watch is now all too familiar to warrant a recap here.

    This leads us to the next question: so who is better equipped among the gladiators on the field to extend the frontiers? From all the candidates have said, shown or promised in the last three months of campaigns, I make bold to say Godwin Obaseki represents the best hope for Edo tomorrow. For the four years I spent in government in Edo, I happened to have interacted closely with him.

    To be sure, he is not as gifted as Oshiomhole in terms of oratory. He is decidedly a man of short speech whose few words however carry deep intellection and almost evangelical zeal to follow through ideas from conception, incubation, implementation to evaluation in an otherwise treacherous environment where most people view tasks only from the naira and kobo that comes back to their pockets.

    In these economically perilous times, Edo surely needs a conscientious steward who can think and act on his feet to chart a new course, irrevocably committed to working for the poor and not the coven of famished godfathers feverishly seeking to regain a paradise already lost.

    Such sterling qualities are however in acute deficit in PDP, the bastion of Tuketuke politics. For non-speakers of Bini, Tuketute is a generic name for any vehicle on the verge of falling apart, but still commercially exploited by the owner by being forced on the road.

    Tuketuke therefore describes rent-seeking politics where the provincial godfather continues to milk a dysfunctional order in self-aggrandizement at the people’s expense. People famish for the godfather to flourish.

    To sustain the hero-worship of the godfather, Tuketuke politics abhors men of ideas or intelligence or other evidence of demonstrable independence of the mind. In the new world otherwise driven by big ideas, the only skills required in Tuketuke politics are not more than rigging, seamlessly sharing bribes and bottles of Schnapps gin on election’s eve and maybe suborning of the most pathetic species of the media running dogs, eager to plant articles praising the godfather in the newspapers but too ashamed to affix their real names on such panegyric.

    Only the Tuketuke magic could have explained the transmogrification overnight of Chief Tony Anenih. Between 1993 and 1998, it is public knowledge he had fallen on hard times, only surviving on crumbs from the table of Chief Tom Ikimi (who was quite influential during the Abacha junta), and maybe the little return from his “short time” hotel Nova in Uromi. But after just a short career as PDP’s “Mr. Fix It”, Anenih had become so stupendously rich he could by 2014 now afford to lend hundreds of millions to sitting President Goodluck Jonathan! (At least, that is his claim in a statement to EFCC earlier this year when asked to account for his N260m share from Dasuki’s $15b loot).

    It is in this dim light that Anenih’s desperation to have PDP restored to power in Edo today should be situated. Having had his political oxygen mask abruptly demobilized in Abuja, he now seeks rehabilitation at home. As for the other PDP campaigner, Ikimi, parables have been made about an old Chevrolet jalopy, which guzzles 10 litres of gas for a mere kilometer. That Tuketuke contraption is obviously in dire need of affiliation to a big depot for sustenance.

    At corporate level, the Tuketuke spirit is what also manifests in PDP’s continued obsession with building new industries as key campaign promise (as if the chain of phony industries Igbinedion claimed he built ever functioned for a single day)!

    In the market-driven economy of the 21th century, you allow the private sector to take the driver’s seat. On account of its structure and orientation, government no longer has business running businesses. Rather, its remit is to create the enabling environment – like durable social infrastructure and formulate coherent policies – to help businesses grow.

    One can therefore relate with Obaseki’s promise to create 200,000 fresh jobs. The bouquet of durable social infrastructure – including more than 1,000 kilometers of roads – delivered by Oshiomhole in the past eight years already offers a solid foundation to build on. Vast opportunities surely abound in the agriculture sector where the state has comparative advantage. The big mechanized farms will accelerate urbanization of our rural communities, particularly in Edo South, thereby helping to curb rural-urban drift.

    Requiring sustenance is the land reforms started by Oshiomhole which has removed swathes of land from the control of old political godfathers who only use same to secure personal bank loans or sublet to tenants. Genuine agro entrepreneurs who benefit will certainly deliver more jobs.

    Only last Monday, Pat Utomi, the renowned professor of Political Economy, flagged off a $136m farm project located in at Ugbokun Community in Ovia North East in Edo. This will deliver thousands of fresh jobs. It is perhaps instructive that Utomi hails from neighbouring Delta State. In choosing Edo to locate such gigantic industry, the discerning intellectual must have noted Edo’s comparative advantage.

    Apart from Utomi’s Integrated Produce City, there are no fewer than a dozen other mega agro-allied companies including the $750m farm promoted by Idahosa Okunbo that have either taken off or nearing completion stage under an investment-friendly climate Oshiomhole has created in the last eight years. Really, these are the terms Edo’s economy of the future should be discussed, not fantasizing over the new “sharing formula” likely to be approved by the godfather for the state’s next monthly allocation from Abuja as suggested by the incoherent economic agenda so far touted by PDP – high on utopian promises but short on how-to.

    Under PDP’s suzerainty in the past, the state’s land stock was only parlayed into primitive feudal racketeering. In the twilight of Lucky Igbinedion’s administration in 2007, more than 120,000 hectares, representing more than 70 percent of Edo’s reserved land stock, was released and not less than half of that allocated to Esama directly or shell companies linked to the family alone under the guise of utilizing same for agro-allied enterprises. The “His Excellency, sir, chief, doctor of Okadaland” simply added his loot to the stock already sub-let to Yoruba farmers who, in turn, would pay him royalties running into hundreds of million yearly!

    The culture of predation perfected by PDP also explains why whereas state-owned TV/radio station, the EBS, withered during PDP’s reign, Igbinedion’s ITV prospered. And while state-owned Ambrose Ali University floundered, Igbinedion University in Okada flowered.

    On discovering the land scam in 2012, an angry Oshiomhole issued an executive order revoking the allocation. The imperial Esama has not forgiven the governor ever since.

    Well, the aforementioned illustrations are provided today to assist Edo people connect the dots and realize where the rain began to beat them. The desperation to refoist PDP on the state is actually a disingenuous design to restore the old thieving Tuketuke order.

    How ironic that PDP is now whining about the desirability of “a level-playing field” come September 10. But when it had the fabled “federal might” in 2012, it wielded it without the fear of God or man. When Anenih still had his finger on the trigger, raw power and awesome financial war-chest were crudely deployed. State institutions were openly induced and compromised. One of the few exemplars was Major General Obi Umahi, the then Commander of the Fourth Brigade, Benin City.

    A thoroughly professional soldier with steely Christian values (said to carry a small Bible around in his pocket), Umahi (elder brother to the present Ebonyi governor) consistently refused mouth-watering bribes and choking pressures from the PDP godfather already assured by the “Niger Delta militants” they would invade Edo and help orchestrate violence, thereby creating enabling climate for the election results to be fixed, but only on the guaranty that the military would “cooperate”.

    The brave officer threw the final bombshell at the jointsecurity council meeting held on the eve of the July 14, 2012 polls when the time came for him to speak at the gathering attended by heads of all the security and paramilitary agencies: “I’ve told my soldiers to shoot to kill anyone who tries to do anything funny or rig the election!”

    Of course, it is easily recalled today that the exemplary patriotic conduct of officers and men of the Nigerian Army made the difference on the D-Day as all the thugs and mercenaries imported into Edo to enforce the rigging plot chose to keep a safe distance as the battle-ready soldiers kept vigil across the state. Oshiomhole won his reelection by an unprecedented 75 percent.

    Expectedly, Major General Umahi eventually paid a huge price for his principle. In a matter of weeks, he was redeployed from Benin to an obscure post in Lagos through intrigues believed to have been masterminded by the politically wounded Anenih. A kangaroo panel raised by then clearly partisan leadership of the Army to probe Umahi on trumped up charges soon recommended his summary retirement. But apparently pricked by conscience, then Chief of Army Staff, General Azubuike Ihejirika, curiously chose to foot-drag on the implementation. But once Major-General Kenneth Minimah, the favourite of PDP wheeler-dealers, took over, Umahi’s retirement was one of his earliest actions. The rest, as they, is now history.

    Indeed, statecraft remains a work-in-progress. Wherever Oshiomhole may have failed in the past 94 months, I am sure Obaseki has the wisdom, the depth, the range and, most fundamentally, the integrity to make amends if voted.

    So, at the dawn of September 10, the Edo voter should appreciate the enormity of the historic rite ahead. Voting Obaseki is the covenant. It is not a favour to anyone, but the duty of every Edo freeborn to secure a better Edo tomorrow for our children.

     

    Enter Chief Zebrudiah Okorocha alias 3.0

    VIEWERS – particularly the older generations – missing The New Masquerade (what an oxymoron!) should find consolation in the comic turn of events in Imo State today. The nostalgia would most likely be for the lead actor of the old television comedy series, Chief Zebrudiah Okoroigwe alias 4.30. For instance, awarded the coveted national honour “MON”, he would later tease that “EY” was not added to fetch him “MONEY”.

    Overwhelmed by the challenge of governance today, Governor Rochas Okorocha would seem to have resorted to trying on the costume of the old comic, obviously to divert public attention and stave possible civil revolt at being swindled by a political conman.

    When the other day questions were raised over Okorocha’s absence from his duty post Owerri for weeks, the government spokesman rose stoutly to the occasion. With a straight face, he lectured that his boss only travelled abroad to – what else – “attract foreign investment”. But the stark truth finally emerged last week when the new Zebrudiah of Imo landed Owerri airport. Apparently unaware of the lie his publicist had told on his behalf, Okorocha said: “I went to the land of the dead and our ancestors turned me back, saying it was not yet time.” Thus confirming the earlier speculation that he was stretchered out of the country in a grave condition. So, people are now left wondering when “foreign investors” became a synonym of “our ancestors”.

    Earlier, Okorocha had blissfully advertised his poor political education by announcing the formation of the “fourth tier of government” to bring governance much closer to the people. He boasted the idea would catapult rural folks into the boardroom of power. But other than the champagne bottles later popped that night at the Government House in toast of his “wizardry” and “sagacity” for such ground-breaking innovation, nothing else has been seen. The truth: it is only the fulmination of a confused mind.

    The same brainwave apparently led the Zebrudiah of Owerri into his latest brew, which, for ease of reference, we can roughly term “Formula 3.0”. In spite of the billions of naira that the state received from Abuja in bailout funds, civil servants are still owed arrears of salaries. Of course, prioritizing contractors’ pay is far more lucrative to the approving authority for obvious reasons.

    But not to worry, the governor of comedy in Imo soon announced that state workers are now to work for three days and spend the remaining two working days on their own personal farms or in pursuit of anything “to keep body and soul together”. With that, he must have expected to be garlanded as the most ingeniously considerate governor in history.

    But the long-suffering state branch of the Nigeria Labour Congress are not amused and have, in fact, responded by staging yet another march against the governor. The same away the Federal Government – though not exactly known for any profundity of thought either – observed the proposal must be the next worst voodoo visited on Imo after the Otokoto saga of the 90s.

    Without shame or remorse, Okorocha brought more comedy to the debate few days ago by shedding light on the rationale behind his proposal: “Instead of being devoted to the work they (civil servants) are paid for, they use their official hours to loiter about; they sell groundnut, gala, chin-chin and sieve egusi (melon seed chaff), among others in the office. I decided to reduce the working days because I want to enhance agriculture in the state.”

    But myopic Okorocha is unable to appreciate the original idea behind the civil service. Really, in these lean times, the real challenge is how to optimize manpower to create wealth to augment government earnings. If workers were found to be idle, shouldn’t the duty of a wise manager be to reassign them where their energies are better utilized to enhance productivity?

    Myopic Okorocha will not know he invariably shortchanges the state further by suggesting workers would continue to earn full pay for less work. Only a small mind thinks that way.

    Without conscience still, Okorocha took his pontification to another level few days ago by advising President Buhari to declare “state of economic emergency” to revive the economy from the present coma: “We have to declare a state of economic emergency right now in Nigeria and all hands must be on deck… For some us and I think for all Nigerians who travel out, we know that we need to stand up and avoid sentiment and face the issue.”

    Sharp words indeed. But if there is indeed anything to say of the globe-trotting hypocrite of Owerri, it should begin with an admission that elsewhere public accountability would have forbidden him from lying that he travelled abroad to seek investors when in reality he was bedridden at taxpayer’s expense.

    Before asking Buhari to declare emergency in Abuja, one would have thought Okorocha would set a good example by proclaiming one in Imo already overtaken by filth, buffoonery and tales of graft. For instance, before he took over in 2011, Owerri was rated by the Federal Ministry of Environment as the cleanest city in Nigeria on account on an aggressive green advocacy and urban-renewal initiative. But that is now history as the new Zebrudiah literally turns every thing up side down.

    Once upon a time, Imo was a shining beacon in the education industry. Not any more. Nothing perhaps emblematizes the story of a worsening crisis than a statement by JAMB recently that no fresh students would be admitted into Imo State University (IMSU) for the next academic year. Reason: those offered admission for the 2015/2016 are still languishing at the gate since the institution has been under lock and key for several months due to a protracted industrial action that has brought to bold relief Okorocha’s poor managerial skill. Sadly, just as workers wait on Okorocha’s for the arrears of back pay, admission into IMSU will certainly now be conducted in arrears in future!

    All told, what baffles is the air of indifference Okorocha continues to exude at home over these serial derelictions and the shamelessness he exhibits outside. When he arrived Owerri in 2011, he said he came on a rescue mission. But it is obvious the rescuer himself is now urgently in need of a rescue. Meanwhile, the performance of the new Zebrudiah continues. As I heard they say openly in Owerri these days, this Okorocha comedy “has no part II”.

  • KSA @ 70: Ariya as Catharsis

    KSA @ 70: Ariya as Catharsis

    The reports few days ago that the acclaimed torch-bearer of Ariya culture chose a foreign soil – the United States – to commence his grand entry into the septuagenarian club must be troubling indeed for cultural sentinels back home. How ironic that the platinum milestone of the king of African beats, connoisseur of the good times, falls in a lean season that has imposed austerity harshly on the entire citizenry!

    True, economic recession is presently biting hard. But let no one blame the foregoing aberration on the economic crunch. Lest there be a tumult from the denizens of the high society. However depleted the saucer filled with baby toiletries and ointment becomes, they say, it never gets to the point where a nursing mother completely lacks what to rub on her suckling.

    Really, still stretching far ahead is the road to September 22, the birthday of Sunday Adeniyi, the undisputed monarch of juju music. But to his cult following in jollity forever occupying the forecourt of the juju music factory, the Ariya is obviously already jump-started in its full sybaritic splendor. In the coming days, the town will definitely shake as they toast the man who has come to embody a popular genre in Yoruba music in the last half century.

    That KSA would on the eve of his 70th birthday be on a road show in faraway North America (his last outing there being more than eight years ago) could not be in search of his next meal ticket. It is certainly borne out of an enduring passion for his vocation.

    True, he only inherited juju as an art form. But the identities of all the forerunners in history now seem totally eclipsed on account of the immensity of his redefinition of that inheritance and the prodigious stamina he has demonstrated since then.

    As his muse attained full maturity in the early 80s, he succeeded in welding western synthetic pop sound with African talking drums and electric guitar to birth a dense rhythm. Thus, he was able to reach a global audience, earning a Grammy nomination with “Odu” later in 1998. Other than Fela, no other Nigerian musician was as globally acclaimed at that time.

    Born in the artistically inspiring Osogbo in 1946, KSA served his apprenticeship in the early 60s under the tutelage of Moses Olaiya who would later rest his Federal Rhythms Dandies band to diversify into full-time comedy and soon become a household name as “Baba Sala”.

    It is a testimony to raw talent, sheer industry and unshakeable faith that KSA eventually outgrew such humble circumstances to become bigger than his tutor. For those who might be wondering the source of the dazzling athleticism he brings to dance on stage, he revealed that the now fallen highlife wizard of Kennery fame, Orlando Owoh, taught him boxing.

    In retrospect, beside Ebenezer Obey (his long-time competitor), no other practitioner could be said to have spoken with so much eloquence and broad appeal for the juju brand. Whereas Obey calls his Miliki, KSA’s is Ariya.

    As a sub-culture, Ariya captures the feel-good urban spirit of the Yoruba society. It is the distinctly louder, uninhibited version of Miliki propounded by Ebenezer Obey, the meditative darling of the aristocratic caste. Ariya and Miliki (corruption of milk) are taken as the social benefit of labour. He/she who has toiled hard is deserving of a moment of merriment, they say. With a rhythm defined by heavy percussion, the feet KSA’s Ariya lures to the dance-floor belong to the less inhibited among the jolly crowd.

    If in doubt, you only need to embark on a tour of neighborhoods of the average Yoruba town during the weekend at normal times. So much that some sociologists and anthropologists have mischievously gone ahead to list the Ariya culture among the chief incentives for the relative peace and tranquility prevalent in Yorubaland even when other sections of the country appear to totter under social or sectarian eruptions. Those eagerly counting down to the next Owambe date are less likely to be easily recruited into a mission to disrupt the social order.

    At the national level, such mindset is thought to also account for the lack of stamina for a sustained struggle and the general absence of will to endure pain with a view to changing the social disequilibrium. Ariya offers an escape; it plies the citizenry with opium against harsh realities. Once the people start counting the number of Ariya opportunities already lost, they soon begin to defect from the barricade, one after the other.

    Fela already identified this character flaw in his “Sorrow, Tears & Blood” released in 1973: “I no wan die, papa dey for house, mama dey for house, I wan enjoy, I no wan go.”

    Indeed, one of KSA’s earliest hits exuberantly declares “Ariya has no end, Ariya is unlimited”. Tired of “Shokoyokoto” (Fresh Fish), he next offered “Sweet Banana” while assessing “My Destiny” only to be pricked by “Conscience” (Eri Okan) to discover the “The Good Shepherd” and so decided to exult “Merciful God”. Perhaps the one single album that truly defined and established his authority as a national legend was “Let Them Say” in 1986. It is a bold statement of the art form balancing danceable sounds with enduring messages.

    Later in the 80s, he chose to tickle the nation’s imaginations by openly engaging Onyeka Onwenu of the “One Love” fame in a musical romance. That sired “Wait For Me”.

    But to say the KSA magic is regionalized in the South-West would be doing grave injustice to his enigma. His audience is indeed national and by far broader than his ancient Miliki rival. The secret partly lies in the cross appeal of his beat. And he carries all the credentials that fully define musicianship: composer, singer, master guitarist, consummate dancer and producer.

    His pioneering vision also led the industry into creating video for the audio. To bring life to songs, he began the experimentation in mid-80s by dramatizing new songs in short movie. It was instant commercial success. Expectedly, others began to copy him. Many consumers would thereafter not mind paying a little more for the video CD as value addition. Today, musical video has become a vibrant sub-sector in the industry with young lads like Clarence Peters infusing more creativity with cutting-edge technology.

    Indeed, while the older generations reminisce on KSA’s exploits in the past decades, their hearts must be aching at the relative emptiness of the so-called stars of today. Unlike musicians of old who honed their skills diligently, priding themselves on being able to play at least a few instruments and tended to treasure their artistic expression more than monetary compensation, today’s creatures are mostly computer-generated stars obsessed with materialism. They hardly feel limited if all there is to their talent is merely chanting on a sound conjured synthetically to make music defined more by vulgarities and profanities.

    The shallowness of the typical hip-hop act of today is easily verifiable if, for instance, invited to a concert alongside his counterpart from the “old school”. The former will likely fret at any suggestion to perform with a live band, lest his inadequacies are exposed. Rather, he/she prefers to mime a medley of songs pre-recorded on the CD, possibly further embellished with the razzmatazz by the disc-jockey on the band-stand. Unlike the latter who forever craves opportunity to show off his craftsmanship and will painstakingly build the sound from the scratch by syncopating one instrument after the other until the crescendo. Not surprising, he ends up lasting longer on stage.

    Ironically, the new artiste rakes in more cash for less exertion. Feeding off a new national culture that glorifies shadow over substance, he/she somehow still manages to command higher fees than the far more industrious older colleague.

    With Obey’s later absence of more than a decade and lately occasional showing, it has therefore been KSA’s remit over the years to defend juju’s flanks against the merciless encroachment by new-generation hip-hop. It has not been an easy task, though. First, it took more than grit and sheer adaptation to survive the scare of Sir Shina Peter’s Afro Juju explosion in the twilight of the 80s.

    With the release of Ace in 1990 followed with Shinamania in 1991, juju’s old orthodoxy of message over beat was shattered into smithereens. A master guitarist of no less virtuosity, SSP’s novelty of non-stop dancehall beat literally set the entire nation dancing. As revelers bayed for more, it became clear that the old king needed to urgently reinvent himself lest his crown and jewel be swept away by the raging tornado.

    With the runaway success of Ace and Shinamania, a horde of SSP’s clones soon appeared. Enter Dayo Kujore, Dele Taiwo et al.

    In his fight-back entitled “Authority”, KSA could not but join the bullet-speed train, relying heavily on synthetic studio garnishments to achieve a fast-tempo beat. The old game-master was at his combative best, freely deploying innuendos against the “restless pretender to the throne unwilling to pay the customary dues.”

    Stanza after stanza, lyric by lyric, he let it be known point-blank he would not surrender the throne yet, famously declaring “Pounded yam is greater than yam tuber”. And to traducers already checking their wrist-watches, KSA’s follow-up song defiantly screamed “E ma fi enu retirement pe Sunny Ade mo” (Stop calling for Sunny Ade’s retirement).

    True to the bookmaker’s prophecy, the Afro Juju craze soon fizzled out. With that, KSA might have survived the stiffest challenge to his stool as juju monarch, but it obviously left him with deep scars. In subsequent offerings, he would seem to have given up on hunting for new audience. With a voice increasingly enfeebled by age, his recorded music soon began to showcase more of a dexterity on instruments, apparently only now desirous of keeping his old fans base. However, the appeal of his live concert remains undiminished. The magnetism of his live performance continues to draw forcefully, even from a distance.

    Overall, a critique of KSA’s catalogue is incomplete without recalling his dabbling in political commentary at some point. In a 25-minute epic The Way Forward (I & II) released in 1996, KSA would rally a galaxy of musical stars cutting across generations and ethnic/genre divides. When publicists began to hype the title ahead of its official presentation, many naturally shifted in their seats, apprehensive about the message at a time the nation had descended into funereal silence under Abacha’s bloody despotism. The expectation of something earth-shaking however turned out to be forlorn.

    Caught at similar crossroads eighteen years earlier in Jamaica, Bob Marley chose to act differently. His Caribbean homeland had been devastated by political storms involving the Jamaican Labour Party (JLP) and the People’s National Party (PNP). The reggae icon resolved to stage One Love Peace Concert in Kingston in April 1978. Drawing a record 32,000 capacity crowd including the sitting Prime Minister of PNP and the opposition leader on the D.Day, the hitherto gasping nation literally stopped breathing when Marley, with his hit track Jammin’ playing, invited leaders of both JLP and PNP, Edward Seaga and Prime Minister Michael Manley respectively, to the stage. Symbolically, the trio held up their hands to signify reconciliation. At the end of that historic night, the Jamaican nation left the concert reunited. Such was the depth of Marley’s intervention.

    But beyond the fast dancehall beat, the KSA-inspired peace song of 1996 offered nothing fresh, other than a rehash of the usual folksy appeal for communal unity. No mention was made of the legion of political captives languishing in the gulag then. At best, it could be described as an artistic statement without depth.

    Perhaps, we should have known that KSA is neither revolutionary Bob Marley nor caustic Fela. The poor outing of 1996 will however not diminish the weight of his legacy. Indeed, new kings will be born tomorrow. But it will certainly take another generation to see one as domineering as KSA.

     

     

    Kano & politics of love

    After iconic Gani Fawehinmi, only a few lawyers would come near Comrade Kanmi Osobu in terms of popularity vis-a-vis human rights advocacy from the idealistic 70s, through the turbulent 80s to the early divisive 90s. In all Afro Beat originator Fela’s brushes with the establishment during these epochs, Osobu constantly stood by him through thick and thin.

    An inexhaustible bag of yabis (humour) like Fela, Osobu was often a spectacle in and out of the court before his demise.

    Once, he reportedly returned from a frolicking to the United Kingdom to a little storm instigated by workers (fellow comrades, for sure) in his chambers unhappy that whereas they were left to rough it out at home for months without salaries, their comrade chose to travel out with a lady-friend to “enjoy”.

    After listening to the militant submission by the most senior among the lawyers flaying “this bourgeois indulgence utterly unbecoming of a true comrade”, Osobu reportedly quipped: “Well, comrades I heard all you have to say and cannot fault your argument, very brilliant, except on one point. When you pick quarrel with my traveling overseas with a lady friend, comrades I only wish to ask you just one simple question: is our struggle now against love?”

    Of course, the room erupted in delirious laughter.

    Well, we are tempted to pose this question also today as erstwhile governor of Kano State, Rabiu Kwankwaso, and his successor and now estranged political godson, Abdullahi Ganduje, appear to have carried their animosity to the province of love. Some weeks ago, Kwankwaso, the senator presently representing Kano Central, announced a plan to bankroll the mass wedding of 100 couples under the auspices of his non-governmental organization, the Kwankwasiyya Development Foundation.

    As governor between 2011 and 2015, Kwankwaso formed the habit of helping widows find love by underwriting the mass wedding as a way of promoting family values. Since the incumbent has not organized any since assuming office last year, the more politically astute Kwankwaso would seem to have seen a window to score a political point.

    But Ganduje apparently was not ready to allow that happen. To scuttle the plan, the state soon announced a youth empowerment programme to hold same day and same time. Determined not to be beaten, the Kwankwasiyya people announced a postponement of the mass wedding till the following day.

    It was at this point that Ganduje decided to flex some gubernatorial muscle. The police, allegedly at Ganduje’s prompting, directed that both the youth empowerment event and Kwankwasiyya’s mass wedding be postponed over adverse “security reports”.

    Things however took a bizarre twist Tuesday as heavily armed policemen sealed off Kwankwaso’s residence at Lodge Road that doubles as the headquarters of the Kwankwasiyya Movement. The action, according to the state police spokesman, DSP Magaji Musa Majia, was peremptory “because of an intelligence report that there is a plan to conduct mass wedding at the house.”

    Too bad, the police would appear to move in only after the proverbial horse had bolted out of the stable. For sources close to the Kwankwasiyya movement reportedly confided that the mass wedding had already been conducted on Monday secretly with “only brides and grooms’ next of kins, including some selected Islamic scholars” present.

    Now, what is unclear is whether charges would be entered against the sponsors of the mass wedding despite a subsisting restraining order by the police.

    Indeed, Ganduje and Kwankwasiya are free to continue to seek avenues to trade rough tackles. But it is doubtful if those who took advantage of the reported mass wedding would be amused. Like Kanmi Osobu, they must now be wondering if the battle between the godfather and his estranged godson is also against love.

  • Chibok Girls: Time to break the rule

    The latest video released by Boko Haram showing a section of the missing Chibok girls should serve as incentive for deeper introspection. At the official level, perhaps the moment has come to rethink a counter strategy that increasingly looks impotent, if not suspect; even as public communication is weaned of words that now sound more like broken record.

    In the eleven-minute-long recording, the Abubakar Shekau-led faction unambiguously restated its old demand that its members held across the country be released as pre-condition for the release of the over 200 remaining Chibok girls. As usual, a masked guy (Shekau?) in military fatigue is shown blustering beside the girls who look expressionless in hijab against an eerie black backdrop.

    No prize for guessing the possible motives behind Shekau’s latest stunt. Like any movement not inspired by an enduring or lofty value, the accursed Boko Haram (BH) is obviously already choking on its grotesque contradictions. With ISIS seeking to disrobe him by naming Abu Musab al-Barnawi as the new leader, it is evident the bloodthirsty fugitive is desperate for a pitch to demonstrate his nuisance value to the Nigerian authorities.

    True, hostage-taking in Nigeria did not start in April 2014 with the Chibok girls. But with the twists and turns witnessed in the past 28 months, this should be the most dramatized in human history. It is like a slow-motion horror movie. The spectacle of aggrieved mothers fellowshipping periodically, holding vigil, at a hearing distance from Aso Rock gates in Abuja has become a constant source of national embarrassment.

    Well, we are free to elect to live blissfully in denial by conveniently making generous allowance for Shekau’s blustering in the latest video and the possible exaggerations – like claims that Nigeria’s airstrike had killed many of the girls. But the next footage in the flick should be enough to sting us back to cold reality: the face and voice of one of the captives, Dorcas Yakubu.

    Speaking both Hausa and her native Kibaku in a voice that strikingly sounds accustomed to the tragic fate she and others find themselves, the teenager urged parents to “be patient and beg the government to release their people, so that we’ll also be released.”

    Caught between joy at a proof their daughter is still alive and sorrow at the thought of the unthinkable she must have endured in the past 28 months, Dorcas’ parents, Mr. & Mrs. Kabu Yakubu, could only afford to make a loud sigh in Abuja after watching the new video. Their testimony: “We cried when we saw our daughter but we’ll sleep better now.”

    They spoke from the very depth of anguish every true parent will feel.

    For others who could not see or hear their loved ones, the nightmare obviously continues.

    Today, what however remains unknown is if, beyond the mouthing of platitudes and shedding of crocodile tears, anyone in Abuja truly feels the kind of soul-wrenching pain parents of the Chibok girls have endured in the past 28 months to want to literally move mountains to free the captives.

    The dumbest apology to give today is to say Buhari is ready to negotiate with BH but is handicapped over which faction to talk to. Unless the government wants us to believe its intelligence-gathering capacities and capabilities are dead and so now fit only for the cemetery.

    Legion stories are told of how western nations like Britain had passed credible intelligence to the Jonathan administration on the precise location of the Chibok girls earlier in the day but, as usual, it refused to lift a finger until it became too late. In fact, one account states that the girls were initially camped on the other side of the river for several days in April 2014 without any intervention by the authorities until they were presumably herded deep into the dreaded Sambisa forest.

    But lamenting missed opportunities is no longer defensible today. What we want now is result by any means necessary, realizing that each passing day means a continuation of their abuse in captivity.

    Elsewhere in the west, the mere echo of Mr. & Mrs. Yakubu’s words, to say nothing of the sheer spectacle of their presence, would be enough to drive leaders into extra-ordinary exertions with a view to liberating citizens so held in bondage, anywhere. In the circumstance, such leaders begin to pick and choose sections of the Geneva Convention to obey.

    Officially, the tendency is for western nations to openly pontificate that ransom-payment in turn fuels terrorism. That cash paid is soon invested by the receivers to buy new weapons and finance training. But unofficially, countries like Italy, Germany, France and Spain are known to have paid ransoms through private companies to free their nationals from terrorists, convinced that the end ultimately justifies the means.

    UK, for instance, is known to turn a blind eye if relations or companies slipped cash to have their loved ones freed. That was how Judith Tebbuth’s release was secured in 2012. In 2014, the same tactic was employed to secure the release of teacher David Bolam from the clutches of ISIL in Libya.

    Same year in the US, the Obama administration swapped five Al-Qaeda suspects held at the Guantanamo detention facility for one American soldier, Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl, after five years in captivity, whipping the sentiment of an ironclad commitment “to leave no man or woman in uniform behind on the battlefield”. Washington engaged the government of Qatar as the go-between in the indirect negotiations.

    Decades earlier, the Reagan administration did something far more unorthodox to free seven US hostages held by Iranian terrorists in Lebanon. Despite subsisting arms embargo against Tehran, Washington opted to sell arms secretly to Iran during its war with Iraq in a complicated covert deal that soon birthed the Iran-Contra scandal. Once the illicit cargoes began to berth in Tehran, three of the US hostages in Beirut were let off, though three more were taken in what a Washington top official later described cynically as “hostage bazaar”.

    More filth surfaced in 1986 after a Lebanese newspaper blew the whistle on the secret deal. Not only was Reagan exposed, it was also discovered that only $12m out of the expected $30m had reached government coffers. It soon came to light that the balance had been diverted to fund the contra rebels being propped by Washington to combat the communist government in Nicaragua since the US congress had outlawed such direct monetary aid through formal channel.

    To be fair, President Buhari only inherited the Chibok girls issue. Still, the government deserves credit for rallying a relentless campaign against BH in the past fifteen months so much that relative peace has now returned to the hitherto beleaguered North-East, even as it is left to face a huge refugee crisis. But to suggest that the war is now totally over as the military high command is wont to claim lately with the over 200 Chibog girls still unaccounted for is to miss the human angle to the historic tragedy.

    One lesson the Buhari people appear not to have learnt from the Jonathan mishap is rehashing the same rhetoric each time the Chibok girls question is raised. The other day the Information Minister reassured that the government was still on top of the situation. Well, Lai Mohammed just said what is expected of him. Really, no one can say the president has forgotten the Chibok girls. After all, he gave a plum appointment to one of the conveners of the BringBackOurGirls Group. And since Ms. Hadiza Usman assumed duties as the Managing Director of the Nigerian Ports Authority, at least one of the eloquent BBOG voices has since become muted. Even if she is not too engrossed sorting cargoes at the Lagos ports to forget or have time to attend the BBOG fellowships in Abuja, her presence there today will certainly be incongruous.

    Really, what the aggrieved parents desire and indeed deserve is not just tons of nice words from Mohammed. If truly the government is quietly moving mountains to get the girls released, it ought to device an effective channel the information is shared with the traumatized. Had this been the case, it is doubtful if Oby Ezekwesili and other committed activists will continue to speak so bitterly each time they congregate at the Unity Square in Abuja.  But for the uncommon patriotic zeal of these volunteers, perhaps the memory of the abducted would have long faded, if not totally extinguished, by now.

    Again, whoever counseled the Army authorities to publicly declare wanted last Sunday three individuals known to have links with Boko Haram did the nation a disservice. If the measure was intended to project the authorities as being proactive, it has surely backfired. For no sooner had the announcement been made than the duo of Mrs. Aisha Wakil (aka Mama Boko Haram) reported at the Defence Headquarters in Abuja and lawyer Ahmed Bolori turned himself in at the Army Headquarters in Maiduguri. Journalist Ahmad Salkida expressed willingness to travel down from his Dubai base once he receives ticket fare.

    Mama Boko Haram, for instance, soon expressed disgust that the Army could go ahead and declare her wanted like a fugitive when, according to her, they knew her address and how to reach her.

    The Army spokesman later explained that the trio were invited out of a belief that they knew more than they were willing to share vis-a-vis the location of the abducted. A claim the accused did not deny. From the utterances of Mrs. Wakil and Bolori after meeting with the military authorities, it would appear they are more than willing to be engaged in the search to rescue the missing girls. The trio is not alone. A serving senator, Shehu Sani, is also known to have links with the BH leaders. Rather than alienate or demonize them, such individuals ought to be co-opted into the search for the missing girls as a matter of national urgency.

    In the unlikely event that all the remaining captives are being assembled in one location, given the young lives involved, let it however be stressed that no one is advocating a re-enactment of the daring Entebbe raid of 1976 when Israeli commandos stormed Uganda’s International Airport in Kampala to free 100 of their nationals being held hostage by pro-Palestinian gunmen. After a 35-minute fire-fight, the toll exacted was not only heavy in human but also in material terms: three hostages lay dead beside seven hijackers, twenty Ugandan troops and the leader of the invading unit, Lt. Colonel Yonatan Netanyahu (brother of future Israeli Prime Minister). Completely wrecked also were eleven Russian-built MiG fighters of the Ugandan Air Force.

    Nor can anyone afford a repeat of the Moscow solution applied in Russia in October 2002 following the hijack of a theatre by some 50 Chechen rebels. A record 700 theatre-goers were taken hostage. After a 57-hour-standoff at the Palace of Culture, the Russian special forces who had surrounded the hall were at their wits’ end. In what became one if the worst rescue operations in history, they resorted to the quick fix by simply lobbing a pipe into the hall through which a lethal narco gas was discreetly sprayed. By the time the fume settled, no fewer than 120 hostages and most of the militants had been wasted.  The official defense was that gassing was the most prudent option in the circumstance to disarm the militants before they had time to detonate their explosives.

    In the two foregoing scenarios, the casualty toll was quite heavy. While no one will at this point prescribe a similar raid on the location where the Chibok girls might be kept, several other options remain open to Abuja with a view to quickly bringing a closure to what has clearly become one of the darkest chapters in the nation’s history. Swapping, as already mooted by the affected, is not a bad idea.

    In case President Buhari is still unaware, the hour has finally come to bring back our girls.

  • Glossary of a murky season (2)

    Glossary of a murky season (2)

    Back in January, this column had taken time off the regular “hard stuff” to compile a list of new words, phrases and terminologies which had treacherously crept into the national conversation following the outbreak of Dasukigate, to help the uninitiated get along. Judging by feedback, it was obviously well received as one’s modest contribution to national understanding, thereby helping in no small way to foster peaceful coexistence.

    Pursuant to that same aspiration, we have decided to set today aside to respond to now persistent and choking pressure from all and sundry that the diary be updated in fact bi-monthly. We begin by apologizing profusely for coming way behind schedule. It certainly could not be our prayers that the “arrears” accumulate the way workers’ salaries have been mounting in most states of the federation. While pledging our own “backlog” would be clear in a record time hence, here we go.

    Padding: Pad is unquestionably one of the few English words garnished over the years in Nigerian-speak to convey different meanings. Womenfolk will certainly not forget the fashion accessory either sewed or worn as add-on under their garment to create a facade of broad shoulders. However, when “dy” is added to form “paddy-paddy” in public transaction, then utmost vigilance is expected of the non-initiates. It is a synonym for insider abuse or deal.

    Now, thanks to the embattled Reps from Kano, Jibrin Abdulmumin, another derivative, “padding”, has gained currency. It refers to the smuggling into or sexing up or inflation of the appropriation bill submitted by the executive arm with selfish provisions by the legislative arm. A clear example cited by the erstwhile chairman of House Committee on Appropriation is the N40b-worth constituency projects allegedly smuggled into the current budget by Speaker Yakubu Dogora and co to benefit only themselves, on top the initial N60b provided by the Presidency.

    In practical terms, padding offers a buffer to accommodate lawmakers’ pecuniary interests. As payback for passing the bill, they expect to nominate the contractors (often proxies) for the said constituency projects or, if possible, directly draw down the funds so allocated themselves to “execute” same. In the event that the presiding legislator is scrupulous enough to do anything at all, such is later presented to their constituency as a personal donation.

    Matters became complicated last week when Dogara, the man at the centre of what many would ordinarily classify as a monumental treason, cheekily told newshounds in Abuja that “padding” does not constitute an offense in response to mounting calls that he step down. Exactly the same way Goodluck Jonathan once infamously argued – albeit futilely – that stealing is not corruption.

    Restructure: It is the new battle-cry against the Buhari administration. In truth, the agitation quietly began after the military handed over power in 1979 and people felt the federalism bequeathed had a unitarist soul. But what makes its resurgence at this point a bit ironic, if not curious, is that those who seem most fierce in the advocacy today were the most insolent saboteurs of the very idea until yesterday. Once they could no longer preside over the monthly sharing of oil money in Abuja, they too started carrying placards.

    Mad dog: Back in the late 80s, this phrase had grabbed headlines after a band of airmen rough-handled MKO Abiola along Airport road in Lagos. In consoling him, then Chief of Air Staff under the Babangida administration reportedly described his unruly lads as “mad dogs” who sometimes would not even recognize the owner. To that, the inimitable MKO wittily retorted that what remained for such mad dog was execution.

    Three decades later and under a different circumstance, the wife of President Buhari, Aisha, exhumed the phrase from the dead in describing Governor Ayodele Fayose of Ekiti State after linking her to the multi-million dollars Halliburton bribery scandal. Following the expiration of the ultimatum she gave the governor to retract the “libel”, she concluded that the voluble governor “is an unchained mad dog”. She was however quiet on two grounds: whether she buys the MKO’s thesis on how to respond once the pet had become deranged, and which breed is the one so diagnosed in Ekiti – Alsatian or local species (called “Ibile” in Yorubaland).

    Missing soup pot: “Stomach infrastructure” crept in in 2014 to describe the electoral paradox in Ekiti State where people voted into office an opposition party after apparently falling for instant gratification in form of edible things and other material inducement against the less mouth-watering appeal of a transformed physical landscape showcased by the incumbent governor then.

    Not one to fall for cliches patronized by the “plebeians”, flamboyant politician, Tom Ikimi, would create another metaphor few months later to justify his exit from All Progressives Party (APC) following his failure to emerge as its new national chairman.

    Claiming to have been instrumental to the design and building of the party, Ikimi, a fine architect by the way, lamented that just when he thought the buffet was ready, his soup and the pot were snatched away. Of course, he migrated to the PDP, the party already laying claims to the patent of “stomach infrastructure”, and is presently one of those leading PDP campaign in Edo State.

    A new interpretation has however been given to the parable of “missing soup pot” by Comrade Adams Oshiomhole as the September 10 governorship poll in Edo State draws closer. During a stop in Ikimi’s native Esanland, the inimitable comrade governor squealed that the architect is actually a “food-is-ready” politician only interested in self, with little or no electoral value at home. This, according to him, explains why once Ikimi calculated his “pot of soup” was missing in APC, he quickly jumped to PDP where he thought “stomach infrastructure” was guaranteed. The reason why he was soon linked to Dasukigate for which he has since been going to EFCC to, in Oshiomhole’s words, probably explain which building he might have helped design as an architect to justify hundreds of millions paid him from the $15b arms loot.

    Surely, “pot of soup” is the elite variant of “stomach infrastructure”.

    LOPSIDED:Ordinarily, it describes a situation in gravitation or physics. When a scale is light on the one hand, the side overloaded weighs down. Early in the day, President Buhari hinted that those who did not vote for him in the March 28, 2015 polls should not expect to be feted like those who did. This is now cited as perhaps the philosophical basis of appointments made so far by him tilting heavily in favor of the section of the country where he hails from. So, “lopsided” now refers to being provincial.

    Fantastically: It is obviously David Cameron’s legacy. The man who dramatically crashed out as British Prime Minister last month following the failed Brexit referendum had, a glass of wine in hand, said “Nigerians are fantastically corrupt” on the sidelines of an international confab on corruption in London. And the comment went viral. Thereafter, it became the preferred phrase by Nigerians themselves at home and everywhere in their everyday conversation. But deep down, it is a bitter sarcasm that speaks partly to the shame of being openly derided before the whole world, and partly anger at the generations of political leaders who helped create that seedy distinction.

    Madam’s property: In the deeply patrilineal society like Nigeria’s, property ownership is often vested in the male gender as the recognized authority figure in the family setting. Reason why not a few eyebrows were raised after two stately castles in Dubai costing millions of US dollars were traced to the spouses of the Chief of Army Staff, Lt. General Tukur Buratai. Before now, that would not have caused any stir. But not at a time Buhari has made anticorruption a fetish with state officials not expected to flaunt possessions that do not reflect their legitimate earnings.

    On a jovial note, when Buratai was named head of Army last year, part of his appeal to teetotaler Buhari was thought to be his “lean” frame, a rarity among a generation of generals who grow and nurse potbelly like ornament.

    Initially, Buratai’s publicists defended his Dubai acquisitions were from “personal savings”. But when busybodies persisted with some in fact coming up with rough estimates of all the general could have earned right from the day he enlisted in Army to date, Buratai’s people deftly clarified that the two mansions actually belonged to his wives and were so indicated in the claims submitted to the Assets Bureau.

    So, to top public officials, whatever cannot be defended simply or logically now is to be conveniently explained away as “Madam’s property”.

    CORRUPTION fighting back: The phrase was originally used by Nobel laureate, Professor Wole Soyinka. While no one can understate or underestimate the power of those who got filthily rich through corrupt means to seek to cover their tracks or flanks, authorities themselves spoil things by their own acts of indiscretion. When security agents are for instance accused of acting in a manner that breaches civil liberty these days, the standard response is “Oh, corruption is fighting back”. So, the notion itself now seems corrupted to convey a mixed message.

    Inconclusive: Professor Atahiru Jega’s finest moment as the nation’s chief electoral umpire was at the conclusion of the 2015 general elections in April 2015. Not only were the polls generally adjudged relatively free and fair, their outcome across the country would go down as perhaps the least contested in history. At that point, only a few would hesitate to acknowledge the electoral body as truly Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC). But same can hardly be said of INEC today. Most of the elections held since have been trailed by controversies bordering on tardiness, often resulting in their being officially declared inconclusive midway. This has led to the body being rechristened “Inconclusive National Electoral Commission”.

    Sheriff: In ancient Greece, the creature was originally called Nemesis. She earned fame as the goddess of retributive justice. Elsewhere in Asia among adherents of Hinduism and Buddhism, Karma is regarded as an associate. In contemporary Nigeria, she would seem to have reincarnated as a male in the image of stocky Ali Modu Sheriff (SAS) and is now on rampage in Peoples Democratic Party (PDP).

    In its heyday, PDP prided itself on being the “largest party in Africa” destined to rule for sixty uninterrupted years “in the first instance”. Part of its success secret was to subvert other parties by planting moles in their ranks. Victims included ANPP and AD. Now, PDP is getting a dose of its own old bitter medicine, with the old Leviathan looking helpless and pathetic. With SAS literally let loose, the iconic big umbrella is now torn between two factions.

    The result is that barely four weeks to the governorship election in Edo State, there is confusion on who is its legitimate flag-bearer. INEC earlier accepted Osagie Ize- Iyamu of the Markafi faction at the close of nomination last month. But with an Abuja High Court reaffirming him as the authentic national chairman, SAS few days ago restated that Mathew Iduoriyekemwen is it. Hear him: “If Pastor Ize-Iyamu likes, let him campaign from now to a thousand years to come, the governorship candidate for Edo State is Mathew Iduoriyekemwen; nothing can stand on nothing.”

    In Ondo State, similar drama is unfolding as two of Governor Segun Mimiko’s commissioners resigned and obtained nomination form from Sheriff’s faction even though their erstwhile boss belongs to the Markafi faction.

    The air of uncertainty also hangs over the “national convention” being planned by the Markafi faction to hold in Port Harcourt next Wednesday. Given the latest ruling by the Abuja Court favouring SAS, it is being whispered that the Markafi group might approach a “friendly” court early next week to obtain another ruling to vacate that order and clear the legal encumbrance to their show in Port Harcourt.

    But who says SAS will not return to the Abuja court to obtain another counter-order?Dalung: In this stern season of recession, Solomon Dalung is increasingly emerging Buhari administration’s perfect comic relief to the nation. As Sports Minister, his has been a rich harvest of gaffes and missteps all the way. On a good day, he would probably be mistaken for a Nigerien gendarme in his gaudy costume of red beret and khaki camouflage. He prefers to humour himself by claiming to be a comrade.

    His exotic sartorial preference mirrors a quixotic approach to official duty as well. Boxer Bash Ali first gave a hint early in the year when he ranted in an open letter to President Buhari over his ordeal at the Sports Ministry vis-a-vis his stalled novelty boxing bout that the Sports minister “looks like an hungry man”. Maybe that was why he recently chose to abandon his primary assignment to embark on a trip, uninvited, to the dangerous creeks of Delta State to “persuade” the Niger Delta Avengers (NDA) to quit their bombing activities.

    While encroaching other’s territory, the Sports Minister forgot his own core duties. He neither attended nor sent a representative at the burial of Stephen Keshi, one of Nigeria’s most accomplished soccer star, in Delta State last month. The other day, he did not consider it inappropriate to post a selfie from the European Championship in France revealing he was sponsored by Multichoice, a private cable TV company.

    Under Dalung’s watch, the nation’s football envoys to the Rio Olympics were stranded in Atlanta for three days last week as funds were not made available to buy their flight tickets to Brazil. It took the mercy of American airliner, Delta Airline, to finally evacuate them to Rio barely few hours to the commencement of their opening match against Japan. Of course, the Minister had already landed ahead in the land of samba dance and fine girls. Obviously carried away by such distractions in his new environment, the bungling minister was soon quoted as falsely describing the nation as “United States of Nigeria”.

    The comedy of errors reached a head during the opening ceremony of the games. While other nations paraded in colourful iconic attires, Nigeria’s contingent came out in drab track suits. As usual, the consignment of national dress for which a fat contract must have been awarded could not make it to Rio!

    Herder: The euphemism for member of a tribe of mass killers increasingly incentivized by the government. There is a little confusion on his root. Victims, mostly in the North-Central and the entire South, swear he is Fulani. But top government functionaries like Agric minister Audu Ogbeh believe he is a migrant who took advantage of ECOWAS protocols to enter the country without let.

    He is the new-age cattle rearer armed with AK-47 in the place of bow and arrow carried by his forebear. Curiously, his new audacity began after the inauguration last year of President Buhari, an accomplished cattle farmer himself.

    On the surface, he is a herder. But unlike other mortals, when he destroys other people’s farms, kills, maims or rapes, he rarely gets apprehended, let alone prosecuted. Instead, he is placated with the promise that public fund would be spent to import special grass for his herd and grazing reserve built for his comfort.