Mrs. Ejiro Awobasivwe is the Co-ordinator of the Women with Anointing Ministry, a Port-Harcourt-based non-denominational organisation. She spoke with Patience Saduwa on marital conflicts, home management and sundry issues. Excerpts:
Did you think the ministry would grow up to this level when you started?
We never in our wildest imagination think it would reach this stage. When we started, we were just 23 women in our first gathering. We just thought it would be a small group of women that would come and be praying. But I think the plan of God was different. When we grew to 120, we decided that we had to get a different meeting place. That’s what pushed us to get this hall. The ministry is open to all – both married and single women. There’s no segregation.
What challenges did you have to contend with?
The major challenge we faced was the issue of offering. The Lord told us not to collect offering; that when we come together, He wants to be the only focal point. That when we bring in money or business, it would divert people from His attention. But the women were complaining that how can we not bring offering and every time you come you give us refreshment? They felt I was trying to get all the blessings. But we made it clear that God is raising a generation of cheerful givers, people who understand that you need to give cheerfully not compulsorily. Nobody will compel you to give offering. We found out that some of these women don’t go to church sometimes for women’s programmes because they are ashamed that they don’t have any offering to give. N50 can make some of them not to go to church as they feel it’s too small. But here no one expects anything from them so they are comfortable.
How would you assess marriages around today?
There’s something the Lord told me I will use to answer that question. He told me one day that he doesn’t hate divorce as much as He hates couples who live together without any kind of union. He hates a situation where a man and woman live together without any unity. I found out that most Nigerian marriages are like room-mates or flatmates.
There’s really no intimacy or relationship between them and in most cases the woman is more or less maligned or oppressed in the home. She’s limited in the home. That’s what I found out. And the good men always seem to marry very aggressive and troublesome women while the aggressive women marry the quiet type.
There was a case of a sister that we encountered. She was at a stage when the husband was like if you come back, I will kill you. So, we told her not to return home then. He had battered her; she was bruised and battered. Even when she was in the hospital, he was sending messages to her that he would kill her if she returned to the house. But we let her know that her marriage would not end like that so she should not be afraid. We worked with her, counselled and encouraged her. She went to stay with a friend and we continued to pray for her.
But today, they are back together and they are doing very well. I think when things get to this stage it’s the frustration of the men to try to force something out of these women. Most of the women are not submissive and are cantankerous. They want to compete with their husbands and the men want to put them in their place. That’s what causes the conflict.
What are some other problems facing marriages?
There’s the issue of communication but I also believe strongly that many Nigerian marriages are more or less destined to break up. I believe strongly the issue of polygamy is a problem in our marriages today. The generation before us was very polygamous so we find out that the spirit of polygamy is still at work in this generation. Though it has another form of expression – so we have polygamous men in monogamous relationships; men with one wife but their affections are spread around many women. This is because the spirit of polygamy does not allow a man to be satisfied with the affections of one woman.
Because of the restraints that society has placed on a man, he now marries one wife but simply keeps all sorts of women outside. And when the women come with the issue of infidelity by their husbands, I try to make them see that your husband is not cheating on you because he wants to but he can’t help it. So, instead of you fighting him and making your home a battlefront, go on your knees and ask God to break from him the spirit of polygamy and give him the grace to love you and to be monogamous in his relationship. In most cases, they will come out on top when they apply counselling.
There is also spousal abuse. Some women find it so difficult to overcome spousal abuse. There was a woman who came for a programme and the topic was on when there’s no intimacy. We didn’t know that this woman had not been intimate with her husband for many years and they were living together under the same roof. Later she came for counselling and as I was talking to her, she was telling me I didn’t know what she had gone through.
What she held against her husband was what he did to her when she was pregnant with her first child. I think she lost the pregnancy and she never forgave him for that. They were finally able to resolve what they had been struggling with for years.
We’ve also had a lot of problems with men who claim to be Christians. It’s more painful for the women because when they marry an unbeliever they know they won’t expect anything from him. But we have problems with these so-called Christian men and these men have no culture. They are either very abusive, possessive or just promiscuous. I have a woman whose husband is a worship leader and any female that comes around him, he tries to approach and corrupt.
So, what does she now do? These are some of the problems these women are facing apart from problems like spousal abuse, possessiveness and so on.
