Sandra Obaze (37) is in a dilemma over her marital status. At 35, she remained single. Not because men were not coming her way, but because none of them was talking about marriage. Luck, however, smiled on her when her close friend connected her to a male friend based in the US for a marital relationship. In spite of the distance, they struck a relationship and became so intimate that a day hardly passed without them talking to each other on the phone or through the social media.
A month into their relationship, the man arranged to come home for the traditional marriage, after which they would go to the registry for the formal wedding. It was a development that wiped away the woman’s misery and set her mind on a bright future. Not only was she happy that she was going to get married at the end of her travails, she was also looking forward to enjoying the benefits of being married to a man based overseas.
True to her expectation, the man arrived in Nigeria and both of them travelled to the woman’s home town in Delta State to visit the woman’s parents and arrange for both the traditional and court weddings. After a week of honeymoon, the man left for his base abroad, assuring his wife that he would soon arrange for her to join him. On the day he was billed to travel back, she saw him off to the airport where he again promised to keep his marital vows and fulfill his responsibilities as a husband.
But all that changed a few months after he returned to his base. He sent the marriage certificate he had taken along back to the woman and cut off communication with her, leaving her confused as to whether she is single or married.
But hers is just one of the numerous cases of women whose marital dreams have been dashed by their male partners abroad. The victims include single ladies and those who are already married with children. Investigation revealed that many of the victims had been married before their husbands travelled abroad and abandoned them. Some others like Sandra were connected to their partners by friends or relations before they were jilted.
Findings also showed that many young ladies who were previously engaged to their partners for many years have ended up losing them after the husbands relocated abroad for greener pastures.
But how does it feel for a woman to be married or engaged to a man who lives overseas in the hope of a better future only for her to be abandoned?
To this, Sandra said: “Initially, I felt like committing suicide, because it was traumatising. It was with the help of my counsellor that I overcame the temptation to hang myself. But the whole incident still haunts me.
“I got married at the age of 35. Before then, all the men that came my way were only interested in a casual relationship. Luckily for me, my friend connected me to a guy based in the US. He got in touch with me and we started a relationship immediately, since both of us were out to get married. We agreed that the wedding, both traditional and court, should take place within a month of our relationship.
“Like magic, the whole thing started working out as planned. He came home and met my parents. They reached an agreement and instantly fixed a date for the traditional and court weddings. Initially, I thought it was a dream. When it dawned on me that it was real, I shed tears of joy. It appeared as if my patient dog was going to eat the fattest bone. My friends and even those who previously mocked me rejoiced with me. My story became a testimony for others in similar condition. We eventually had the wedding done in our home town in Delta State.
“After the wedding, we returned to Lagos and spent a week in a tasteful hotel at GRA, Ikeja. He showered me with gifts and also bought things for my parents. On the day he was going, I saw him off to the airport and prayed for him from the bottom of my heart. He took the marriage certificate with him with a promise to work out the documents that I would need to join him.
“From that period, my status changed. Friends and other people started treating me with great respect. My husband consistently called each other on the phone for about five months. Thereafter, a gap in communication started appearing.
“After some time, he stopped calling. And even when I called, he would promise to call me back but would never do. My parents intervened and started calling him to know what was wrong. At a point, he told them that if the marriage certificate was their problem, he would return it. He returned the marriage certificate and has never bothered to communicate with me for the past two years.
“I am at a crossroads because I don’t know what to do. I am neither married nor single.”
Uju Ofoegbu, a former employee of one of the leading media houses in the country, also shared her experience.
She said: “The experience is heart rending. It is not something I can never forget because it has left an indelible sore in my mind. My fiancée travelled abroad and promised that as soon as he settled down he would begin to work out my travelling documents so that I could join him immediately.
“Before he left, he gave me an engagement ring, because he said he didn’t want to lose me to another man. I was so elated by his commitment that I vowed to keep the engagement ring on my finger always. With the engagement ring, I sent away other young men who sought my hand in marriage, even though I knew that age was not on my side.
“I was always quick to announce that my fiance was abroad. He sent me money and wonderful gifts, which earned me some reverence among my friends, who also wished they had life partners abroad.
“For nine years, I waited for him to settle down. But thereafter, he would not call or send anything. His family members withdrew totally and did as if they were not aware that a relationship existed between us. By then, it was difficult for me to tell people that I was no longer engaged. Worse still, serious minded suitors were no longer coming. I suffered mental, psychological and emotional trauma, and shamefully threw my engagement ring away.
“Thereafter, I slumped into serious depression. I later fell in love with my managing director, who was married with kids. That also compounded my woes as younger male colleagues who were interested in me could not approach me for fear of losing their jobs.”
Thirty-year-old Moji Oni is also at a crossroads about her relationship. She told our correspondent how her overseas-based partner has been using different excuses to prolong their relationship.
She said: “I entered into a relationship with my colleague in the university. We were known to each other’s families. After our studies, he travelled out of the country and told me that he would soon come home for us to get married.
“After about two years, he told me that he was yet to settle down. When he eventually settled down, he said I should allow him to have enough savings. While waiting for him to save enough money to come for our wedding, he lost his job and that became a good excuse for him.
“I kept praying that he would get another job. Fortunately, he got another job and asked for time to settle down into the new job. When his grandmother died, he said it would be an opportunity for him to come home to attend her burial and also for us to have our wedding, but he never came. He gave another excuse for not coming.
“When his father travelled abroad for medical check-up, he said he would come home with him. He never did. He has continued to give excuses and I am confused because time is going and I don’t know what he is up to. It is even very difficult for me to fall in love with another person because I have given him all my heart. If he fails to show up at the end of the day, what would I do?”
Another respondent, Biola Samson, said she got married to her fiancé in absentia.
She said: “We were dating before he travelled out of the country. After some time, we agreed to get married. Unfortunately, circumstances beyond his control prevented him from coming for the wedding, so we did it in absentia. This was six years ago, and he has only come home once after the wedding.
“He has kept telling me that he is working out plans for me to come over. But I am scared. All my friends who got married about the same time and even after already have one or two children while I am still not certain about the fate that awaits my marriage.”
But investigation revealed that in spite of the plight of the foregoing victims, many young Nigerian women are still surfing the Internet for life partners based abroad. One of them, who gave her name simply as Agnes, told our correspondent that the fact that it did not work for one person does not mean that it would not work for another.
She said: “It applies to everybody. I have a cousin who got her husband from abroad through the social media. She has gone there and they are peacefully living together with their children. This is what I also desire, and I believe that God will grant it to me.”
Explaining why many young ladies prefer men who are based abroad, a psychologist and marriage counselor, Mrs. Ganiyat Olokodana, said: “There is this thing about my husband or my fiancée is abroad that make many to do so. There is a kind of status it gives some people. The initial euphoria that somebody based abroad has come to seek her hand in marriage may make the woman to say yes, with the hope of relocating abroad subsequently. It is all about hoping that something good will come out of it.
“In most cases, the men are not legal immigrants. They are just there to hustle. But that hope that their husbands are based abroad gives some women a sense of elevation, and it works for their self esteem.
“Some have their engagement prolonged unnecessarily because the man has not been able to achieve what he wants to achieve. Some of the guys break the engagement after some time by getting married to another person abroad in order to get their residence papers.”
Reflecting on some cases she had handled, Olokodana said: “We have cases of couples who live countries and even continents apart. In most cases, it is the wife that lives here in Nigeria while the husband is based abroad, supposedly seeking greener pastures.
“When such men want to travel, they always say they will be back in six months or that they will start working on the wife’s papers so that she would relocate. But you find that in many cases, the months turn into years and and nothing is HYPERLINK “http://done.in/” \t “_blank” done. In fact, after a while, you will see that the couple is more or less estranged. You find that the reason why the husband is abroad and cannot come back is because things are not easy for him. With time, he would stop calling and stop sending money down, leaving the woman hanging because she is not sure of what her status is.
“In most cases, part of what the men do to get their papers is to get married to a national of the country they have travelled to. They get married and continue with the semblance of marriage while the woman left at home is hanging. She can’t have any other relationship because that would be like committing adultery. Such a woman would only be married on paper because she can’t be considered a married woman. It is usually a trying experience for whoever is involved.
“Under Islamic rules, what we call Sharia, there is a minimum number of months that a husband and his wife can live apart from each other. Anything longer than that, the marriage is like null and void, because you can’t just leave a woman hanging. She has needs that only the husband is supposed to meet.”
Another marriage counselor, Pastor Dolapo Onipede of the Redeemed Christian Church of God gave various reasons for the trend. He said: “There are diverse reasons why many ladies prefer to get married to men based abroad. But the basic reason is that many people don’t know the meaning of marriage.
“God ordained marriage for the purpose of multiplying human race. If you read Genesis Chapter One, you will find that God does the match making. But the ladies of nowadays don’t involve God in their choice; they want to do it by their own knowledge. Any marriage where God is missing cannot be stable.
“Another reason is the urge for material wealth. Nobody wants to build from the scratch again. When you want to build a house, you start from the foundation. Many ladies and young men are in a hurry because of material things.
“Yet another reason for this is poverty. They feel that the person based overseas, even when they don’t know what he is doing over there, will bring in money. Ladies want money and they see the people overseas to be better off than those in the country, without knowing what they are doing for a living.
“Pressure from parents and friends also make ladies to jump at anybody that comes their way without duly considering what it takes.
“Another thing is self-pity. That also boils down to age. It comes from within and not from outside. The lady in question feels she is already 30 and getting late for marriage, and she wants to jump at any man that comes her way.
“Some ladies misuse their body at younger age, and because the world is a global village, she would want to go outside her environment so that all her past deeds will be covered. The next place that will be on their minds would be outside the country.
“It has also become an in thing these days because it comes with ego. Many women see it as status symbol for people to say that their husbands are based abroad. The craze for people based overseas make ladies to want to jump at them, just to boast to people that their husbands too are in the US or UK.
“There is the case of man that I know. Any time he comes into the country, ladies in their early 20s flock around him. At the end of the day, he got married to one of them, only to realize that the man was more than 50 years old and was already married with children in the US. The man comes home only once in a year. Do you call that marriage? Whether you like it or not, she is a second wife.”
Recalling his experience as a counselor, Pastor Onipede said: “I have discovered that about 90 per cent of such relationships don’t end well. It is only very few ones that succeed. I have an example of one that ended well because from the beginning, God was there. It was God that did the match-making in the first place, but it happened that one had to travel legally and officially. So it was easy for the man to easily come back and pick the wife. They lived apart for about four or five years, but because God was at the centre of their marriage, they were able to go through that period without any difficulty.
“There is a Yoruba adage that says oruko t’oba wuni lanje loke okun (he who lives abroad chooses whatever name pleases him). That is what happens to these guys when they travel overseas, most often because they don’t have genuine papers to stay there. They engage in false marriage to get their papers and abandon their partners in Nigeria.”
