Tag: aggression

In marriage, you are expecting (“expect” means a manifestation that follows desire and intention) to have a happy marriage and that your spouse should behave in a certain way. If this expectation is defeated by any of the means stated above (see last week), you will become deeply unhappy and angry. One can also be angry against the government for “failing to meet certain expectations”. In a similar manner, many people are “angry” against God for apparently “failing” to do certain things for them. Some are even angry that God did not provide their ideal spouse for them. The thing to remember is God is not the decision maker here. You are. You saw your spouse and/or partner and decided that he or she is the person you want to be with. You are in charge here.

Who can be angry or frustrated? Anger can occur in anyone (note also that dogs, sheep, hippos etc, could all display anger when frustrated!) who is capable of forming a desire or intention. This includes children and teens who sometimes desire their own way in order to change society. They can become angry if they don’t achieve this. This is the reason for the rebellion in them when they are frustrated. Other people who can be angry are married couples, in-laws or anyone in any form of relationship-formal, informal, private, public, sexual, non-sexual, business etc. The root and dynamics of frustration is the same. The bottom line: disappointment leads to anger. Anger leads to destruction and aggression.

Nevertheless, the angriest person is a person who is so unwise that he or she knows very little about what he or she ought to do, legally or morally, to bring about happiness without causing offence (harm), verbal or physical. Such a person will be very frustrated indeed, as well as very angry. Anger, you remember, is a sign of discontent.

Manifestations of Anger and Frustration

With these explanations, one can come to a profound conclusion that anger is the clearest manifestation of a frustrated intention. As I have said in the book, The Road and the Key to Happiness, a frustrated or defeated intention leads to unhappiness. Also, an intention, good or bad, that goes unhindered, gives happiness. And like depression, anxiety, bullying, threats, vengeance, selfishness, blaming, unpredictable behaviour and evasive action, they are all signs of unhappiness. Anger is one of the octopus-like manifestations of sadness.

How do you prevent anger?

The most important prevention tool is wisdom. You must have strategic foresight to forestall any attempt to disappoint your intentions. It is that simple.

What fuels and influences anger?

Decision making processes are and should remain under our conscious control. The decision making process is central to happiness. Anger is also subject to decision making processes. However, except for when this process is removed from the individual, such as when one is under the rule of certain laws, as in military orders for example, or during, say, anaesthesia, the decision process is subject to our control.

Thus, drugs, illicit substances, alcohol and outside emotions such as humiliation by anyone either in public or private, may fuel anger. Ironically, if anger cannot be controlled voluntarily, medication may be called for to subdue the hostility, but not the failed intentions. The main issue here is that drugs (cannabis, cocaine, alcohol etc) can fuel anger, even to criminal levels. Once again, I am conscious of the fact that all divorces or family conflicts cannot be blamed on drugs or alcohol misuse. There are also people who may simply have other reasons for being angry. However, the influence of substances on human behaviour and criminality has been proven beyond reasonable doubt.

Anger management

Whilst it is important to prevent an event before it causes harm, what happens if the event has taken root? The short and long answers to this question are that anger must, in one way or another, be subdued or resolved/expressed. There is no running away from it, anger, to make it go away; it must be resolved.  One way is to deal with the root of the problem. Other means include, counselling (see later) which operates through the power of expressed words, as explained in my other book: The Secret and Supremacy of the Expressed Word. Another means of dealing with anger is forgiveness; if this method has not already taken place then it should be advocated. I cannot see any other means by which irretrievable wrong can be resolved other than by means of forgiveness. Amongst many, other means include honest tolerance, listening, poetry, music and writing—all are forms of expressions of intentions. In general, all forms of anger must be expressed, one way or the other, in keeping with the principles in the book, The Secret and Supremacy of the Expressed Word.

The outcome of anger: Except when you deal with or express the anger or obtain the result of the original desire that was frustrated, anger, if it was either subdued or not, will lead to offence. The first offence that anger will lead to is hate.  Secondly, hate will lead to offences against humans or man-made law. Hate or malice can lead to threats, conspiracy, and destruction of properties, self-harm, suicide, and homicide. At least, hate can cause the pulling out and use of the most severe weapon of all: bad words. Try it, make your spouse annoyed, and then experience the power in words as a result! I hope those in relationships are paying attention. Does this sound familiar? You are not alone after all. In most cases, anyone who actually commits any of these offences listed in the preceding paragraph, is likely to either end up in the hands of the police, get harmed (self harm or being harmed via others), killed or disgraced and be disregarded. If there are children in the vicinity, children may learn and be induced into a vicious cycle which may become established later in life.

If any of these do not occur, hate and anger can lead to a diagnosis of poor mental health, even though the person may not be dangerously unwell, as in what we call personality disorders. However, this will depend on the culture, the law and the society in which such angry individuals reside. The outcome may include admission to a mental health hospital directly or through the prison system. The label following the diagnosis of mental health disorders is clear for everyone, with eyes, to see.

What is the end product of anger?  Happiness comes upon us when our legitimate and valued desire becomes reality. Unhappiness results when our legitimate or illegitimate but valued desires are frustrated.  Therefore, when our desire is defeated, regardless of how many times we may try, it results in frustration. Despite concerted efforts to overcome the frustration, if the valued desire fails, it results in unhappiness.  It should, therefore, be noted that the end result of anger is unhappiness, whatever the cause of it.

Anger becomes a problem and pathological either on a single occasion or in multiple times when anger is accompanied by hostility and or any form of destruction or aggression (violence, war, beatings, destruction of property etc). In short, anger becomes pathological if the verbal and physical expression of the angry person now causes psychological or physical harm. Ironically, this harm may be self-harm or harm to other individuals. It may also be physical harm to properties that belong to other persons. This is called uncontrollable anger. This should not be confused with defensive and legitimate anger which may also be in some ways similar to, but different from, pathological anger.  The latter type may be in response to a seriously threatening situation. If such a threat is not removed, it may cause greater damage. This is the main basis that most people will give good reason for their anger.

They will say they are under threat and so they act in self defence. It is the same reason that nations justify their angry war reactions. In case of our personal relationship situations, it is the same reason that spouses and partners give for their reactions in domestic affairs: self-defence, which in most cases, is not even recognised in law.

The bad news for the spouses is that such reactions often appear tenuous to the police and the law courts.

Scientists have said that uncontrollable anger can be due to genetics and a person’s environment and so forth. These are not the issues here. The issues are that there is a connection between anger and your relationship to others.

You cannot get angry except when human beings or inanimate object defeat your intention. It is that simple.

The problem is that most people do not know how to constructively overcome their mental, human and non-living obstacles, and that is what causes frustration and anger.

The chains of how anger develops are:  “A feeling of displeasure”. This means,  not being pleased. The question then arises as: “Displeasure with (or about) what?” The answer is displeased with frustrated intention and desires.  The result of this displeasure is a “belligerence” which means first unhappiness then hate follows, leading to violence and hostility, and many other features, and finally, if unresolved, the unhappiness continues.

These outward behaviours of belligerence are in fact due to a “wrong” which is the intention that was defeated. What is a wrong then?

A wrong arises when a given intention established by, say, Mrs B, the person causing the “wrong”, negatively influences or frustrates the desire and intention of another person, Mr B. The next thing is that Mr B will react in an angry manner to Mrs B. The event could then take a different life of its own from that point onward. Police could be involved. The couple, or one of them, may end up in hospital. This is exactly what happens in some spousal relationships.

Another example:

If Mr. X behaves such that his behaviour does not allow the intention of another person called Mr. B to be established, then Mr. B will be frustrated because of this. Then Mr B will get angry at Mr. X. Let us take a practical example: You are driving on a road, in a hurry to catch an important meeting.

Then suddenly, another car, driven by Ms S, crosses your path so that you cannot move or be on time for your meeting. Your desire and intention has been curtailed and frustrated.

You get out of the car and react in some way to and against Ms S. But you know that, usually, such behaviour is not accepted in normal human relationships or in society, or even under God’s laws.

Now what has happened is that you are angry at Ms S for the frustration of your desire and intention.

This is the “wrong” that you are reacting to. Your reaction is called “belligerence” against a given wrong. And your reaction is called anger. It’s pathological if you cause harm.

Another example: assuming that you asked your 13 year old daughter not to go out at night and told her that she should do her homework.

She refused to listen. Either you reacted or did not, and it caused some resentment in you and you are angry. Equally, because your daughter’s intention is also frustrated, she is angry against you too.

Similarly, if you intended, regardless of your age, that you

(a) should not fall ill but you did, or (b) that your family or parents should not divorce, or (c) that none of your parents should die and they did, you will become unhappy and angry with any of these situations.

Take another example: You just came back from work and you intended to have a short sleep–a kind of rest. You lay in your bed at about 6pm on a hot day. The teenage boys in your neighbourhood would not allow you to rest. They were screaming and running whilst playing football.  Unable to sleep, you got up and called their attention to the fact they were disturbing you. They did not heed your request. You failed and they continued. You went back to bed. The noise became louder and louder. At last, the football was kicked violently. It broke through your windows and it landed on your belly in your bedroom with some of the broken window glass. You were enraged. Not only that, your intention had been frustrated miserably. Your sleep and peace were badly shattered. Your expectation to be in relative calm within the walls of your own home was terribly disturbed. You got angry.

These kind of scenarios call on the individual (or couple, society, state, company or even nation) to take protective action to preserve the person from irrational response. This type of irritation, on a larger scale, calls on a nation, as the case may be, to refrain from violently reacting to the frustrated intention. On the other hand, the person who is angry may take measures to protect himself/herself, or take measures to ensure that his or her desire and intention are realised.  That is a biological reaction towards self-preservation. You simply take action to reduce your dissatisfaction.

Frustrated intention or defeated desire is of the same kind of feeling to having a sense of rejection. You want something you could not get because “you were not good enough” for some individuals or “authority” that had blocked you. It represents a failure of desire and this is why it is so painful to the person concerned, who is now angry. Often, the individual feels threatened. This is because his/her desire to enjoy life or derive certain benefits from the desire has been despondently defeated or thwarted.

In the majority of occasions and probably in the majority of people, anger passes without further action/manifestation on the part of the irate person. He may just take the disappointment in his stride, so to speak. An example of this is seen in many homes and in public places.  It is also seen in many marriages and other relationships regardless of their form. Your spouse could annoy you tens of times in a day. Yet, you cannot afford to be angry on all those occasions. You will have to allow a lot of them to pass. If you don’t, you run the risk of mental illness or being labelled as such.  Anger is seen amongst bosses in many businesses and it passes without destructive impact, in most cases. Imagine if your boss at work reacts angrily to all forms of dissatisfaction that his subordinates bring to him! Who on earth would be able to work with such a boss?

People don’t react to every situation they are displeased about. They simply allow the feeling to pass. This is a type of anger that is called controlled anger. It is a protective and normal biological anger. Such a person (or people) is often not under serious threat and so may not react to remove the threat. Even if they do, they have a credible way out of it.  If they are under serious threat, there would be a strategic way to overcome the frustration. Picture a situation in which you left the bathroom tap in your office on, and water from it filled your office, destroying confidential and security papers in the process. Just consider how irate the boss will be, yet he cannot afford to be seen to be manically angry. That is biological anger.

Common causes of anger and frustration: Specifically, anger can arise from just about anything, including but not exclusive to financial issues, children matters, career, sexual frustration, failure in investment and property, general life concerns, health-related issues, general sense of inadequacy or persistent failures, persistent domestic opposition from spouses or lack of support from supposed loved ones (parents, spouses etc).  The list goes on and on. A person who is readily coming into conflict with the law may be an angry person too, as his intended desire is frequently blocked by the law. These felons become hardened against the law and work hard against it in a way that is best described as a hard rock meeting an irresistible object. In the end though, in most cases, the law wins.

A death or disease in the family or the death of a friend may lead to anger in those who are bereaved, by reason of the loss for which they could not do a thing about.  Therefore in general, any intention or expectation about anything that fails may lead to anger. In the public domain, anger may come due to perceived political problems. It may be due to a dislike for a government course of action or government economic policies. Some people just don’t like the treatment they receive in life. They loathe life as a result. As we shall see later, hate is a result of anger. Some come to loathe the world and living—for its challenges. Some hate the world and they just can’t figure out why there are so many difficulties and apparent anarchy in the world.  Clinically, sleep deprivation and poor quality of sleep can also cause a person to be angry because the intention to have good sleep is frustrated.  Remember, anger is always due to frustration: a failed intention.

The article was culled from my book: Relationship: What You Should Know and Do. It is being published with some minimal editing.

In the last few weeks we had dealt with issue of abuse in its various forms. In many circumstances, at the underbelly of abusive behaviour of an individual lies frustration and anger which if unresoved peacefully may result into aggresive and abusive behavior against other persons. In this article, we will take a look at anger in general and in subsequent weeks, we will examine anger and frustrations in more detail.

You only need to look around our neighbourhoods, drive on our roads, use public transports, get engaged buying and purchasing a good in a market from a woman or man or live with other fellow human beings to gauge the depth of deep-seated anger in individuals on one hand and the larger society on the other. Everyone is angry over one thing or the other. However, as the saying goes, there is no smoke without fire. There is no anger without frustration and there is no aggression without anger.

While there are various and manifold reasons that generate anger and frustrations, there is no denying the fact that anger, frustration and aggressive behaviours are a common sight in our society: in schools, in religious places of worship, in healthcare settings, in the farm, in polity, on the road and indeed everywhere. Young people and old, women and men seem to be getting angry and aggressive on what may look like innocent issue.

There is a relationship side to anger occurring. No matter what, the relationship may be short, or it may be long. The association may be near or in far flung distance from the person who is being annoyed. Interestingly, you may also be angry against a non-living object. One may be angry against one’s car if the car let the owner down.

I have been asked if anger is in itself a crime. No, anger on its own is not a crime. Controlled anger, like all intentions without actions, is not a crime. It’s the action from being angry that may be a crime. Such actions may endanger the life and property of others.

Much has been made, especially in modern times, of anger and its management. Many books have been written about it. There are also complicated attempts to explain the foundation of fury in biological terms. Celebrities of various shades colours, sizes and geographic locations, in both platonic, employment and/or intimate relationships, have been convicted in courts of law in the everywhere in the world because of destructive consequences of anger. They have been reprimanded for consequences of their anger and as such have been sent for anger management or in some cases given severe punishment, including community service as well as imprisonment.

Those are the lucky ones. Has the reader not heard of rage at home leading to murders, rage leading to the public destruction of property, or anger leading to wars? For your information, there is no deliberate war, no intentional destruction of humans and property, no deliberate killing, no premeditated harm that ever occurs without anger underlying it.  Anger is the root of all non-purposeful destruction.

Anger can be demonstrably verbal (words), or by physical acts, or by, can you believe it, silence. Anger can be subdued. In such a case,  it is very hard to immediately know the true feelings of individuals who, apparently without you realising it, are annoyed with you.

Anger occurs in the low and the high, to the rich and the poor, to the old and the young.

If you are angry, it means you want something that, in some way, may satisfy your desire. Otherwise, if you have anger with another person whom you cannot reach nor be influenced by, then it is futile to be angry. Imagine being angry with the country’s President while he is not even aware of it as you reside in a little village house in one remote part of the country.

You may just be able to ruminate while you cannot do anything concrete about it.  To be able to influence someone for good or ill means you have to be in a relationship with the person, or be about to have a relationship with the person, no matter how short that relationship is. The person must be receptive to your views, questions and opinions, or at least be willing to learn about the cause of your anger. This is as true in intimate relationships as it is in platonic ones. It is a matter of fact in business associations or in mere friendships.

Yet, at the core of all relationships which come to an end, there is either an unresolved anger which is pretentiously subdued, or anger may be acted out as in domestic violence (DV).