Victims of domestic violence and physical abuse shared their grueling experiences in the hands of men who once professed love to them with Sunday Oguntola
A PERFECT home appeared in the offing. 20-year-old Yetunde, a 200 level student of the University of Lagos (UNILAG) was too sure she had found the perfect man. Aside from being the CEO of a thriving real estate business, he was also godly and responsible. Throughout the 10-month the courtship lasted, they never met behind closed doors.
“I never went to his house. All our meetings were in eateries within and around UNILAG,” she recalled. That effectively nullified the possibility of pre-marital sex. Yetunde, a committed church girl, was more than elated. Her dream of having a godly home was right on track.
“All we discussed was the bible. He would break down biblical injunctions in such exhilarating way that I couldn’t but address him as my pastor. He was everything I wanted in a man,” she stated.
Reality check
But everything changed just months after they tied the nuptial knots. The once gentle, harmless hubby became hostile and aggressive. “He wouldn’t talk to me in the house for days. When I asked him why, he would say I just had to beg him. I would beg and beg but he would insist I must beg him until he is pacified even if it takes months,” Yetunde recounted.
The emotional trauma became unbearable for the normally charming new wife. Her confidence took a low dive. Then the verbal abuse started. “My husband would talk down on me. He would say I was good-for-nothing. He said I’m just around to finish his money and eat his food.”
Sometimes, the husband would withdraw financial support, knowing Yetunde had nothing to fall back on. She would have to rely on crumbs from neighbours in their posh apartment. Not a few of them wondered why the husband, a confirmed self-made business man would allow his young family starve.
Yetunde became a shadow of her old self. She wailed and wailed without comfort. Even when she delivered her first child, the situation continued. “Whatever he said was final, whether it pleased me or not. He believed a woman does not have a say.
“The trauma was too much. At a point, I realised he didn’t want me to work. He would tell me that even if I started working, I shouldn’t let the money get into my head. I think he had inferiority complex, “she stated, pains evident in her once glowing eyes.
Then, the new couple crossed the border to physical abuse. “He abused me physically like three times. The third time, I had to run for shelter at my neighbour’s place. He stripped me naked. I was so ashamed of what my marriage had turned to.”
When the abuse became unbearable, Yetunde had to move out of her cherished matrimonial home. “I never knew my husband would beat me, let alone watch me pack out. But I had to save my life first. He was beating me like no man’s business,” she lamented.
Back from hell
According to her: “The worst that can happen in matrimony is physical abuse. It is so draining to see someone who claims to love you lifting his hands against you. It is a hellish situation that I will never wish for even my worst enemy.”
For 12 years, Mojisola had a towering career in the financial sector in Abuja. Sometimes, she wonders if falling in love was not a curse for her. Her marriage lasted just a year but with many scars to show. From emotional abandonment, she graduated to be physically assaulted by a man who was all over him merely a year earlier.
“He would beat and beat me until I had no strength to cry or even resist again. It was so shocking for me.”
At a point, she became suicidal. She had sacrificed her high-flying job for the marriage. Her office in Abuja refused a transfer to Lagos. But she thought letting go of the job would be a rewarding sacrifice.
Suicide to the rescue?
But it didn’t and she couldn’t help being suicidal. “I was like ‘if I don’t get rid of this person, he’ll kill me.’ You know, when abuse and domestic violence is getting too much, you are either a victim or you want to be the victor.
“And in a case where you don’t want to be the victim, you do anything to get out of it; so when I noticed it was getting to that point, I had to get away. I had to tell myself, this is the last I could take,” Mojisola shared.
Her life was literally breaking down right before her eyes. It was painful but she was practically helpless. Her one-year-old child couldn’t get the best of life. “He stopped feeding us. I was all alone again. You know how painful it is to be married and still live like a single.
“When my father died, he bought his cloth while I bought mine. The corpse had been lowered before my husband showed up. I had to spend my own money to lodge his relations in hotels,” Mojisola stated.
A vote for self-love
The battered Mojisola had to draw within herself to get help. The situation at home had gotten so bad that she couldn’t even engage her hubby in any meaningful conversation. If she needed anything, she had to go through his parents.
When it was obvious she was only awaiting burial after a systematic killing, she opted to save herself. “When you have been through a lot, the best thing is not to give the people around the impression that you are weak or that you’ve given up on yourself, because yourself is what you have at the end of the day when everybody is gone.
“And in the midst of the troubles you have been through, it is still yourself that will say no. I stand up against being violated, being abused by anybody trying to take advantage of me or the situations they find me.
“It is still about you because that is what life is all about. Self love. That is what I call it; you love yourself out of every situation and you don’t give up,” she stated.
Marriage that couldn’t be saved
Lola’s matrimonial upheavals took longer to show up. Everything appeared to be under control. With a good job and a responsible hubby and attractive children, her world was a beauty to behold. But the first cracks appeared almost five years after the solemnisation.
Their house-help suddenly took ill. She read nothing into it. It was a normal sickness that would soon go away, she imagined. But when the sickness took weeks, she decided to take her to the hospital. That was where she got the rudest shock of her life. The 17-year-old innocent-looking girl she brought from a village in Ogun State was carrying a three-month pregnancy.
Investigations confirmed her dotting husband was responsible. To give peace a chance, she decided not to confront him. Rather, she took the house-help to the doctor and eliminated the pregnancy. She then sent her back to the village.
She thought she had everything worked out. Unknown to her, her husband couldn’t live with being discovered. He was going to get his pound of flesh in a coordinated and calculated way.
“He started staying away from home. I would beg and ask him but he would say nothing. I begged and begged to no avail. He stopped fending for me and children too. He would go for weeks without looking back.
“When I told his parents, he flared up that I was reporting him. Then, he started beating me. I would cry and cry for days without sleep. I was shocked my husband had become a monster. Nobody could talk to him anymore.
“Then, he said he was fed up with me and that I had to go. I couldn’t believe my eyes and ears. I thought I was in dreamland. When the beatings didn’t stop, I had to run for my dear life. If I didn’t, I was sure he would have killed me, “Lola shared.
She left in July 2015 and her once dotting husband remarried eight months after.
Lola believed she did everything humanly possible to save her marriage. “God knows I tried. There was nothing I didn’t do. I didn’t want my marriage to crash. I cherish a beautiful home. But when he started beating me, I had to save myself at all cost.”
Young but wounded
Feranmi is just 24 but her life has been so battered that it is a wonder she lives to tell the story. When she met Lateef, she thought she had met a good friend. The lonely lady just needed a companion and Lateef was more than willing.
“When I think of it, it was later that I realised it wasn’t love. It was comfort. When I met him, he was living in his house. I could go there at any time and sleep the way I liked; I was free. And it wasn’t like I had ever been in a serious relationship before. And then he was like a friend because my real friends didn’t really care about me. We talked about virtually anything,” she recalled.
For one and half years, they dated. It was a sweet experience. Then one day, she caught him cheating on her. “I confronted him and he slapped me. I was surprised but didn’t fail to return the favour,” she stated. The duo fell apart for weeks.
Then, one month later, she realised she was pregnant. She had nowhere to go than return to Lateef. “He truly was happy and I moved in with him. He lived in his family’s apartment and we were happy together.”
But trouble started just two days after the naming ceremony. A simple disagreement led to a serious beating for Feranmi. She was beaten black and blue. Rather than upbraid him, Lateef’s family members agreed Feranmi deserved the treatment.
She was scandalised and heart-broken. The beating became almost a daily affair. The hubby’s family members even made jest of her. “Some of them, younger than my siblings, would look at me and say, ‘You will soon receive your daily dose now’,” she shared.
“It was so bad that I found myself in such a mess. My physical condition deteriorated badly. I couldn’t bear to face the world. My friends wanted to see me but I refused to see them because I was so frail and lean. I used to be lively and confident but I started thinking of myself as a nonentity.”
The beatings went along with verbal abuses. “He would say I had nobody or nowhere to go. I was so ashamed and helpless. My life took a turn for the worst. I lost interest in life and anything related to it,” Feranmi continued.
Much as she wanted to leave, she decided it would be terrible to walk out of a marriage. “I never planned to have kids for different fathers. My ideal situation was to have all my kids for a man but he was killing me silently. So, I had to do something,” she said.
One day, she felt she had had enough and left. This was after several futile efforts by her friends to get her out of the physical and emotional abuse.
Down but not out
The women, who spoke confidentially with our correspondent, at an empowerment session by Hegai and Esther, a beauty store in Lagos, said domestic violence is one of the worst evils wives can come against.
The session was organised in conjunction with Project Alert by the firm to help them regain their self-confidence and self-esteem through extensive therapy and sessions with make-up artists.
Executive Director of Hegai and Esther, Mrs. Gbemisola Adebayo, said many of them have not smiled in a long time. “We need to make them believe in themselves again. They have been so battered that they have forgotten how beautiful they are.
“We don’t just want to beautify their lives but also impact them. It’s not just about the make-ups; it is about what happens after the make-ups,” she explained.
Addressing the victims, Adebayo said they shouldn’t be overwhelmed by their ordeals. According to her, “We all like to hide what we are going through. The experiences you have had must not define you. You are someone despite the scars. Everybody has a scar that they try to hide from others.
“What you have gone through is part of the script. It is something that you must rise above and must never allow to tie you down. You are more than what life has given to you.”
Executive Secretary of Project Alert, Mrs. Josephine Chukwuma, said domestic violence must be condemned by all and sundry. She said the situation requires collective efforts to overcome. “We must all have zero tolerance for violence against women under all guises, be it religion, culture or tradition.”
Facing the abused women, she said: “You are victors not victims. The victims were those who died in it. You are battered but not broken. Do not allow what you have gone through to define you.”
Tell-tales
On tell-tales women should look out for, Chukwuma said: “Once a man is trying to isolate you from friends and relations; once he’s trying to cut you off from others, it is likely he is up to something. You have to become extra careful because nearly all victims of domestic violence are isolated, so that the man is not found out easily.”
She added that abusers also start with emotional trauma and stigmatisation. “They want to wear you down with words and make you believe you are never deserving of them. Once a man starts verbal abuse, he is likely to beat you up one day.”
Adebayo said women should be very alert while dating. She said most of the bestial acts that men later displayed were always there during courtship but largely ignored. “There are always signals but women like to overlook them because of love.
“There is nothing a man does in marriage that he never demonstrated in courtship. It is all about paying close attention to his tendencies and tempers while dating.”
Good men standing
But both agreed that domestic violence is not synonymous with men alone. They pointed out that some women are equally abusing their husbands; a development they said is condemnable.
Chukwuma urged women in abusive relationships to seek help before the situation turns fatal. “You have to speak out. If you don’t, you are digging your grave. The sad thing is the world will move on without you.”
Good men, according to Chukwuma and Adebayo, are still out there. “Not every man beats his wife. There are still good men out there. They are caring and supportive. They love their wives, so much so, that they can’t bear to abuse them verbally, let alone physically. Every woman must position herself to attract one of these good men.”
Adebayo couldn’t agree more. “I know several good men around me. They are fun to be with and absolutely adoring. They are well-mannered and gentle. Don’t let your experience make you believe every man is a wife beater.”
