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Tag: Bola Bilesanmi

  • Diary of a noble self employed naija dame (11)

    Diary of a noble self employed naija dame (11)

    By Bola Bilesanmi – Beebee

    Opening Balance: N42, 500

    We self-employed people begin to panic when our opening balance is below N50k but on this occasion, my feathers were not ruffled because I had a card up my sleeve. I leapt out of the bed with a spring to my feet. I was going to ring POW for now, we do not know if we are going to revert to POS.

    At 9.00 on the dot, I rang POW, he picked up immediately, an act that has never occurred before, he never picks up my phone. Life moves in cycles. I know for sure now, he would always pick up my phone. He asked why I had not returned his calls, I informed him I had to visit my parents and reception was not at its best.

    I asked him nicely why he was ringing and what would he want from me, as if I did not know. He went directly to the point and asked for forgiveness and the contract was mine if I still wanted it. This time it’s the whole 100%.

    I offered him 20% ( a swindler would always be a swindler) he agreed to the terms of 20:80 then he must have thought of the last recording. He went on to inform me that it does not matter, 40% would be paid up front and 60% would follow later.

    I thanked him nicely and ended the conversation, I forgot to add, he volunteered to ring me back. The cost of the whole conversation was borne by him. The dream of a curve television became vapour in a split second. I am sure it was going to be someone else’s headache, definitely not mine

    I had to pinch myself in the flat, history has recorded a new event, that I had come out of this saga the winner, it can only be the wisdom of God.

    As I sat in my flat, I looked round the flat, the first thing I would buy is a generator that can pump water, I am fed up of dry cleaning, I will have to pump water when it runs out. I must buy a Christian Louboutin shoe (for those who are not as exposed as we are, it’s the shoes with red soles ,although I hear Aba market has produced some red sole shoes) My mood changed suddenly, I was happy, I began to sing songs, I had to celebrate the victory.

    I decided to celebrate the victory with a Chinese meal, I looked at my balance, I could afford ‘Jade Chinese Restaurant, I definitely had moved up the ladder, change had come. I rang for a Uber taxi. I was going to be reckless with money. Picking up my Phone I saw a credit alert POW had stayed true to his words. I transferred my recording from my phone to my laptop.

    God forbid POW tries to steal my phone the next time I visit their office, and God forbid that I would use the information to blackmail him. I have come to the conclusion that the recording will become my meal ticket. ‘Cunny man die, na cunny woman go bury am’.

    What a marvellous God we serve.

  • Diary of a noble self employed naija dame (10)

    Diary of a noble self employed naija dame (10)

    By Bola Bilesanmi – Beebee

    Like joke, like joke, the vehicle refused to start o. So I started the day, in no man’s land, my delicacy had started getting used to other contents in my stomach, I had moved slightly away from others as I had a silent weapon, ‘gassing’. In fact, if I can say it was ‘bad’, it was indeed bad. My breath smelt, my human hair had picked up a foreign smell; I tried not to look dishevelled look but was a struggle.

    I am a local champion and anytime I arrive home at my parent’s house, it always seemed that I came in from London, and not Lagos. Anyway, they both start with the letter ‘L’. Lagos or London they are all the same.  As I turned into the corner of my house, I child spotted me, they all came running towards me, they all wanted to carry my rucksack. They know my handbag would not be handed over because they can inadvertently smear the bag with snoot or soot.

    The children waited for anxiously for something to drop, I promised to give them something later, I was going to sneak back to Lagos before they have the chance to say ‘Jack Robinson’.

    As I got to my parents place, I headed straight to the toilet, to download. What a relief. I greeted my parents, my mum was fussing around me, she had not seen me for a while, and she knew the reason why, but my dead was in his own world grinning, thinking that I had come with the

    My mother always likes to kill a chicken anytime I come home, I had to dissuade her,  its profitable to kill a chicken on three months allowance but on half a month allowance, it is loss. I asked her not to bother with the chicken that I had eaten so much of it in Lagos and I needed to eat something different. I opted for ‘efo riro and roasted fish ‘Panla’, that combination will not cause a huge dent in the allowance.

    It was nice to be pampered, fussed over; my mother should get a star for that. I gave my dad the envelope and explained my circumstances. Despite my trepidation, they understood, and they started praying for me, if my parents start praying, then know you could be standing for the next thirty minutes, I decided to sit because I needed all the prayer in the world.

    This was a quick visit, but it had been worth my while, I had to plan my return journey without being spotted by the children, I came out and heard them playing at the back of the house, I gingerly stepped out and quickened my pace.  Then I heard one of the children calling Aunty, I started running because the calling had become a chorus. Indicative that they had all heard me leave.

    Can you just imagine! A whole ‘me’ the dame, running from giving sweets to the children, that is what life throws at you sometimes. I must rectify the situation before my next visit. I will transfer some money to mum to buy sweets for them.

  • Diary of a noble self employed naija dame (9)

    Diary of a noble self employed naija dame (9)

    By Bola Bilesanmi – Beebee

    I decided to go and visit my parents. I could not visit before now because I did not have the transport fare and I could not go empty handed. My mum had been asking when I was coming to see them. I could not say I was busy because they had not seen evidence of my busyness. I now owe my parents, three months allowance, I hope to give half month allowance and will owe two and half months, by the time I make my return trip it would be three and a half months. Who cares, they should be happy they are getting something.

    I decided to step out very early, I don’t want anybody to see me at Berger catching a bus with my LV bag. I chose to sit by the window at the back because there was a delicacy I was going to buy at Sagamu. The bus was filling up fast. Unfortunately, the last passenger that came on was sweating profusely even at 8.00am in the morning. As she sat next to me, I just realised my mouth was full of saliva, the bus started to move out of its slot, I had no choice but to send the saliva back to where it had come from.

    I knew then that my journey was going to be a memorable one, how do you cover your nose without causing offence? The passenger kept on moving about, every time she put her hand in her bag to get something out, I was elbowed. I knew ‘Today na Today’.

    My phone began to ring, with my posh voice; I picked up and answered the phone. Everybody in the bus looked my way, the guy in front checked to see my type of phone. When he saw the iPhone casing he smiled.  It was the very thing I wanted to achieve; it’s only because of circumstances I took this bus. This was not my usual mode of travel, some eyed me, some had a look to see if they could possibly take me for a ride, if only that they knew. I am a wolf in sheep clothing.

    When we got to Sagamu, When I spotted my delicacy, I pursed my lips together and called as if I was calling my cat, but alas, I was calling the guy who was selling Guinea fowl egg. As I was haggling for the price of the egg, I forgot I was meant to be posh, the real accent was flowing, it’s only when I caught the whole bus load looking at me again that I realised they had seen the ‘wolf’.

    The woman next to me continued to give me this incredulous look, it could be one of two things, she could not believe that I had purchased the egg, or she was thinking of the havoc the egg would cause. Either way, the deed had be done but the havoc of the egg can in no way, shape or form be nearer to the havoc of her body, I had been subjected to the worst stench and my fear is that because of the close proximity, the stench could linger for a while.

    I gingerly untied the nylon and removed the shell of the egg, I ate the first egg, bringing out my Eva water (it’s actually pure water in an empty Eva bottle). I began to consume the other eggs.  I was in seventh heaven and I had no worries in this world until the engine spluttered and stopped running.

  • Diary of a noble self employed naija dame (8)

    By Bola Bilesanmi – Beebee

    On waking up I picked up my phone I had twenty Missed calls. Alas who could want to speak to me so badly?  After leaving Company Xs office, I put my phone on silent mode. I had no intention of taking any call; everything else would have to wait.

    I had no strategy for dealing with the situation on hand, I decided to go to a friend’s place, he has a beautiful place and garden. I, on the other hand, live in a concrete jungle, who will ‘dash’ me a garden? Where I live, the philosophy is, if there is space build something.

    As I sat in the garden, a frog came leaping towards me, I thought to myself, am I one of your kind? Instead of attracting the male specie, I am attracting frogs. Then I remembered the story of the princess kissing the frog and it turned to be a Prince. So I beckoned the frog back, maybe if I plant a kiss on the frog, he would become my knight in shining armour. E no dey easy to dey single o.

    So I continued to sit o, I looked at the well manicured lawn, different plants, different colours and different fruits. I looked at the nails of my friend they were chapped, ‘me’ I no fit; my long nails are not designed for garden work. I had to remind myself why I was there.

    I spotted some ants scuttling around, we are to learn from the ants, they toil all winter and summer, I looked at them, they were similar, as for ‘me’ o, I have to be different, must stand out in the crowd, that is why I carry my LV bag and Iphone. These are the separating factors. Let us not deceive ourselves that every man is born equal, ‘mba’, some are more equal than others.

    My thoughts kept on wandering but I needed to harness it back to the issue on hand. I looked again at the beauty of the garden; it was beautiful, just like me. Its not that anybody has complimented me on my beauty, but we are told “call the things that are not as though they are” so daily I say I am beautiful, I wear fine clothes, I walk like a model, and I am quite tall, I tower over people. I am five feet five inches and I wear high heeled shoes. When I am asked how tall I am. I always say six feet. Please do your sums five feet five inches plus five inches equal six feet.

    I was distracted by my phone, I looked at the number it was not familiar one, I was not eager to pick up an unfamiliar number; I assumed it was POS so I did not pick. One strategy I had in this whole saga was to keep him in suspense. As the expression goes ‘ he has cooked beans’.

    After sitting in my friends garden for almost three hours, I realised I had not come up with a strategy, no inspiration, but I felt more relaxed. I must have a garden when I become rich, not accomplishing much I packed all my stuff back into my bag, ready for the next inspiring location. Was it a day well spent? I think the answer would be in the affirmative. I made my journey back to the concrete jungle.

  • Diary of a noble self employed naija dame (7)

    Diary of a noble self employed naija dame (7)

    By Bola Bilesanmi – Beebee

    My alarm clock buzzed at 4.30am, I jumped out of bed ready for the activities of the day. I got into the shower, after two seconds, I heard a whistling sound, the water ceased to gush out, with lather all over my body, I waited for the sound of a generator, a signal that water was being pumped into the water tank.  Five seconds rolled into ten minutes. Pulling my towel to myself, I wiped myself down. It’s called ‘body drycleaning’ mission accomplished.

    I was like a dog with a bone. For the day, I was ‘Cruella.’   I arrived at Company X at 7.30.

    As I listened to him bragging, he had no remorse, it was no big deal to him, as far as he was concerned, it was a game and all he cared about was what was in it for him (WIIFM). He was a ‘piece of Whit’ (whit rhyming nicely with a word I cannot use). Hey what do you do when faced with such, you smile until your face aches.

    Piece of Whit (POW) stopped to look at my hand bag, he had the audacity to ask if it was real, I told him I don’t carry fake things, my ego had taken over. I went on to show him a copy of my bag on the net.

    Rubbing his hand together, he alluded to my capability, little did I Know what was coming, I sat up straight, its all about R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Capability had nothing to do with my competence but my financial status

    His 55% soon metamorphosed into a Curve Television to be delivered to his home.  Within a spate of five minutes 55% had become 85% (considering the cost of the gift) and I was to get 15%.

    Likewise, POW became POS (S being the word I cannot mention) to me in that split second. What a greedy man. I continued to smile, after all the vision and mission was to get him to sign the contract, everything else was secondary.

    Thank God I had learned to operate my phone without bringing it out of the bag; well my Chinese Phone can come in handy and easy to use. I had recorded the whole conversation without him know a thing. He signed the contract and gave it back to me.

    I needed to bring out my ace card to conclude the game, as I placed one foot in the doorway, the other foot in his office, I hit the play button, he heard his voice loud and clear, he looked at me and I returned his, with a triumphant glare.

    I left his office, knowing I will receive his phone call, clearly, he is screwed. We would have to start a new page. The picture of his face would forever be etched in my memory for life.

    Bye for now POS.

  • Diary of a noble self employed naija dame (2)

    Diary of a noble self employed naija dame (2)

    Day Two

    Let me just start my saying that my, opening balance is still 5k, I fought so hard to keep it that way.  We Self Employed people have developed strategies to reduce daily expenditure to Zero.

    Thank God for my strategy of cooking pots of beans. I cooked a pot three days ago. I have eaten nothing else for two days, but guess what, I have different variations, Beans and Gari: Beans and Bread: Beans and Yam: and finally Beans and Beans:

    The only hiccup with eating too much of beans is the gaseous state of the stomach. I had an embarrassing situation, thinking that I was the only one in the house, I was climbing the stairs and I let out the gas, it made a loud noise, the smell was so bad(like rotten egg), I had to cover my nose, to my horror, one of my housemates was coming behind and witnessed everything. I kept on moving ,the Lakeside song ‘ Keep On Moving Straight Ahead’ came to mind, we would have to deal with that scenario another day or maybe never.

    I heard my phone ringing in another room, I dashed for it, God forbid that my opportunity passes me by and goes to someone else, not just that, I did not have any credit to call anyone back. I must say, we self-employed train ourselves not pick it up on the first ring, that is indicative that you were holding your phone, and you are idle. The second ring means you must have had the phone close by; I pick up on the fourth ring just before it cuts off. (That shows you are a busy).

    On picking up the phone it was one of the MTN useless calls ‘55227’,  but God was merciful to me, I had another call. This was from a colleague in the business. The job was for only 10k, I really had to honour the friendship. UBER was out of the question but BRT was the most viable option I could manage.

    I did the job, with all humility, when I finished, I looked to my friend, thinking she would pay up, she did not have any envelope in her hand, nor did she attempt to get it out of her bag. I smiled, trying not to come across as being desperate.  She promised to the transfer the 10k online.

    I left Marina feeling a bit better, the thought of having beans for supper filled me with dread   I went to TFC and bought my supper, I spent N1500.

    On getting home, I kept on looking at my phone, thinking I would get the credit alert, after checking the phone roughly about twenty-five times. I realised I probably should have had beans again.

    My closing balance now stands at N2000. I crept into the bed being fully persuaded that tomorrow is another day.

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  • Diary of a noble self employed naija dame (1)

    Diary of a noble self employed naija dame (1)

    By Bola Bilesanmi – Beebee

    Day One

    I woke up with 5k in the account and Zero k in my bag and in the house, a total of all these facts, is that I have N5K (home and abroad). Hey, but who will know that thank God for my heavy investment in this LV bag, LV stands for Loius Vuitton by the way.

    Going back to the issue at hand, My DSTV has just expired, well my friends think I am on compact bouquet but I stylishly downgraded to the family bouquet, not sure if this bouquet is sustainable, well the Chinese channels are very good, and educative the only problem is that they speak Chinese and I have to follow the Subtitles.

    The data bundle on my iPad will expire in two days time, there is no point in doing the sums, my expenses far exceeds my income, not sure of any income coming in, my proposals are sitting nicely in many dustbins but they give me the impression they are receiving attention.

    It’s not worth spending my limited resources chasing my proposals. I must admit the four walls of my flat are closing in on me, though.

    Today, I am dressed up ready to go out, not that I have any appointment, but one must be seen leaving the house, after all, some of my housemates left at 4.00am. We, self-employed people, own our time.

    The walk to the Estate Gate should ordinarily take ten minutes, but I am going to stretch it to twenty in the hope I will get someone to drop me off at Shoprite, as I don’t have money for UBER or any taxi for that matter. I begin my morning devotion on the way, praying earnestly for a miracle.

    After twenty-five minutes I get to the gate but had to pretend that I forgot something at home, so I begin the return journey for another twenty minutes, with my phone pressed to my ear, that will explain the slow pace.

    On getting home, I quietly enter my flat, some heard me go out but few will hear me come back in. even if I get a ride to Shoprite how am I going to get back home? Taking off my clothes, I am rest assured that tomorrow is another day.

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