On the surface, Mrs. Gladys M seems to have it all. She has a good job in a managerial position in a top company which comes with a fat pay cheque and other perks of the job. She has all the comfort money can buy and even more. But there’s something missing in her life that no amount of money can buy for her and that is time, especially time with her two children and husband.
Gladys is one of those Lagosians whose nature and location of workplace have turned them into ‘nocturnal workers, who move around only at night’. With her office located on Victoria Island, Lagos, the lady leaves home by 4.30am every working day and returns home between 11:30pm and midnight, “depending on the traffic,” as she pointed out. “During the week, I’m like a single woman because I hardly see my family. The children are asleep when I leave for work and already sleeping on my return at night. As for my husband, he’s on his own! At weekends, I sleep nearly throughout Saturday and half of Sunday. It’s the two maids we have who are practically raising our children as my husband works too and his job makes him travel a lot,” she stated.
Besides doing all the domestic chores in the house, the maids also drop the children, aged eight and six years old, at the private school they attend. “I only know they are at school when the maid who has dropped them calls to report that they have gone to school. I don’t even know their teachers as it’s their father who attends meetings at the school whenever they invite us for one. They have been at that school for their whole lives because I started dropping them at the crèche attached to the school when they were barely three months old.”
Mr. Njoku Obi, a retired banker, also shared his experience. He told The Nation that he was hooked to drinking coffee and chewing gum to remain awake on a daily basis for close to 10 years that he travelled from Igando, a suburb of Alimosho Local Government Area of the State to Victoria Island.
“Working in Victoria Island and living in Igando, was a hell. The human in me was gone and I became more of a robot all through the years I travelled from my area to the Island. Imagine waking up by 4am and leaving home by 4:30am just to beat traffic. After beating the traffic on the mainland, I always had that of the Island to contend with. After closing late in the evening, it was equally horrifying going back home.
“At times, one ends up getting home around 11: 30 pm or midnight. On a traffic-prone day, one might get home around 1:00am. When it so happened, I would only manage to sleep for three hours before my alarm rings for me to start preparing for the day’s work.
“I was always groggy with sleep whenever I set out to drive to the office every morning. The same thing happens to other road users too, so it was common to see people hitting one another in traffic because they were dozing. I was always had packs of coffee and chewing gum in my car that I always consumed while on the road and at work to remain awake. It was an inevitable addiction that was causing untold harm to my health.”
He lamented that he could not give good attention to his children all through the period. The situation, he said, was aggravated by the fact that the wife was also embarking on the same routine life.
“I was forced to prevail on her to resign her appointment because we had abandoned our parental responsibilities to our house helps and became total strangers to our children. It was a terrible thing because if the house helps had had some bad influences from outside, some unpalatable things could have happened to our children and that would have made all our struggles to be meaningless. I was also forced to resign thereafter because the stress was too much for me to bear,” he added.
Ibe, an employee of one of the leading oil companies in the country, also recalled his travails shuttling from his residence on the mainland to his office in Lekki every day. After several years of enduring the pains, he was forced to relocate to the Island.
His words: “I used to live in the Isolo area of the Lagos mainland. Every working day, I would leave for work between 5:20am and 5:30am. The purpose was to beat the traffic and get to the office early. It always took us about two hours to get to the office, as we often got to the office around 7:30am. This means we spent an average of two hours to get to the office. My office is at Lekki. Our normal closing hour is 4:30pm. In spite of that, I wasn’t getting home until between 8 and 9pm. Sometimes, it was worse. And you know, it was the same routine for many years.”
The situation, he said, had direct effect on his work and his health. “Yes, of course, it does. I ended up arriving at the office tired and edgy. I often took time to settle for the day’s work. You can be sure that in such situation, it affected my productivity.Let me tell you, there was no day that passed then that I did I not take pain reliever in the morning and evening. Besides, the stress was making my blood pressure to rise. It became absolutely unbearable.
“As time went on, I was tired and had do something about it. That was the reason I ended up relocating to Lekki. And the difference was immediately obvious. Since I relocated, It takes between 10 to 20 minutes to get to my office. I no longer have any need to be taking pain killers like before. My productivity, I am sure, has improved. Added to that, I am no longer as stressed as I used to be”.
Busari Musiliu, a resident of Sango Ota, Ogun State, said he was constantly eating kolanut and taking energy drinks to keep awake as he shared his predicament going from his area to work in Victoria Island. After several years of going through the rigorous travelling, he resorted to squatting with a friend living close to his place of work.
“I would have died if I had continued to move from Sango Ota to Lagos Island every day. There was a time that I fell seriously ill because I wasn’t resting well. The substances that I was taken had caused serious damage to my body. I would wake up early in the morning and get back home very late in the night. By the I would be leaving the house my children would still be sleeping and by the time I would get home late in the night, they would have also gone to bed. I didn’t have any time for myself and always got angry and ever ready to sting like a bee because I was constantly stressed up.
“After recovering from the illness, I was attacked and dispossessed of my valuables by hoodlums when I was going to work early one morning. These experiences made me to begin to seek for a close place to my office where I could squat. Luckily for me, I got a colleague who offered to assist me. I leave home on Monday morning taking along a few personal effects for the week and go back home on Fridays to spend the weekend with my family.”
Day care, crèches to the rescue
Indeed, for busy career mothers and fathers, day care centres, crèche, nurseries and the like are a God-sent. For such parents without live-in relatives like grandmothers, aunties and cousins who can act as carers for the newborn, a crèche is the next viable alternative when the nursing mother has to resume work at the end of her maternity leave.
“After I gave birth, my mother came to spend some time with me. But she returned to the village three weeks later and I was alone with no helper. I had no choice but place my baby in a day care when I resumed work as I could not take him to work! He was just about two months old then. I felt bad about it but what could I do? It’s the bad economy that has made many women become their families’ breadwinners. In the past, our mothers and grandmothers did not have to work in offices and other corporate environments. They worked mostly in the farms and they took their babies with them strapped to their backs. Today, society has changed. I can’t take my baby to my workplace as it’s a financial institution. It’s not allowed. Day care centres and crèches are the next alternative,” stated a mother of three who did not want her name in print.
These city women’s experiences are reflective of the realities of parenting and child rearing in a mega city like Lagos. For many busy parents striving to work hard and bring in enough money to meet the family’s needs, it’s a hard choice they have to make. “It’s a choice between working to make money to enable you live a particular lifestyle or staying home to care for the children and living in penury,” stated Gladys.
In many cases, child rearing and family life take the back seat, while the pursuit of money wins.
To fill in the gap are nannies, house maids, crèches, play and nursery schools who now act as ‘surrogate mothers’ to the children. While the parents are busy at work, these carers feed, clothe, change nappies, rock them to sleep, soothe them when they cry, play with them and generally perform the functions which mothers, by their natural dispensation, are supposed to play.
Our reporter met with one of such carers, Lydia Solomon, at a crèche at Ikeja who spoke on the onerous tasks of caring for other people’s children. The lady, who has been working there for four years, disclosed that the crèche opens for business as early as 5am to receive the children. “These working mothers sometimes leave home as early as 4 am. Many work in offices in Marina, Victoria Island, Lekki, Ajah or even Epe.” For the return journey home from work, Solomon stated that, “It all depends on the work schedule of each working mother. Some return to pick their children at 5pm, some at 8pm, some at 10pm while for others, we have to take them to their homes at 11pm.”
Being separated from their mothers from such early ages can be traumatic for the children as she stated: “If the children had just started coming to the crèche, they feel bad. Some react by crying or clutching to their mother’s arms or body. But after a while, they get used to being dropped with us. It’s especially bad for breast-feeding babies. For such children, when it is their breast-feeding time, they cry and cry and there is nothing we can use to pacify them. They just keep wailing until the time passes. In such a situation, we have to keep petting them until they cry and sleep. When they wake, we continue the petting and after a while, they start playing.”
One challenge most of these carers have is the lateness of parents in picking their children in the evenings. On this, Sarah David, a carer at a nursery at Apapa, noted: “Most parents don’t keep to time, they come late to pick their children. This is because they know the nanny is competent and capable and they feel their baby is safe with her, so they are relaxed. The last baby most times leaves my place very late like 9pm or 10pm. I’m not really impressed with parents that pick their children at such odd hours; at least 6 pm in the evening is okay.”
Separated too young
To David, being separated from their parents so young does not portend well for the emotional well-being of the children which could lead to problems for them in the future.
“The parents should allow love to flow between them and should have the conscience that, ‘my child is somewhere and I need to see him.’ When parents come late, the baby is already asleep, so what time do you have to spend or have love to share with the child? And very early the next day, you bring the child back to the day care.”
Speaking on the issue and the challenges of caring for the children, Joy Udeh, another carer at a day care in Lagos, stated: “Some parents come late to pick their children. We drop our phone number because when it’s too late, we close so they have to come down to our own house to pick them. We work every day except Sunday. A dirty person who finds things irritating or is wicked and heartless cannot do this type of job.
“It is very difficult to take care of the children and never easy because at times they cry, disturb, mess up the place. As a person doing this, you have to be very patient. Even when you want to get angry, you hold yourself back. I take them as my own children, put them on my back, teach them things like poems and do things that make them happy.
”Some parents are naturally lazy and it has become a habit that whenever they have a baby, they enrol them in care centers. We start taking in babies from two months old.”
Not all parents like the idea of leaving their children in day care centres and crèches. Mrs Ene Osekhe, an Apapa, Lagos resident frowns at it, declaring: “I can’t keep my child in a day care center. Some people choose their job over their children. I love my child and I can’t leave him for anybody. That is why I decided to engage in business instead of working in a company. It takes the grace of God to care for children.”
Due to the long hours these children stay apart from their parents, with time they begin to see their carers as their ‘real’ mothers, as Solomon noted: “Well, babies who are still breast-feeding still recognise their mothers. That is because, once the mother puts her breast in his mouth, the child sees the mother and the sense of identity is there. But for others who have stopped breast-feeding, they are more attached to us than their mothers. There are some who even do not want to go home in the evening. We have to keep shouting, ‘your mother is here, or your dad is here.’ Some of them after a while start calling us mommy. This has happened many times.”
To experts, such early separation between a parent and child, the period when the most bonding should take place between them could have incalculable emotional and psychological damages on the child.
Psychologists speak on the consequences
Dr Leonard Okonkwo is a psychologist and he has this to say on the matter: “In as much as it is sometimes avoidable for parents to drop their kids with other people and go to work because they have to make ends meet, most of the time, it doesn’t augur well for the children. This is because it denies the parents and children or rather it discourages the necessary bonding that a child needs as he or she grows up. It is generally believed that a child’s personality grows as the age rises.
“So all that happens to a child at that early age is very important. So when you leave a child of that early age at the mercy of day care, people who are usually two or three with so many children to care about, that necessary bonding becomes missing. And then when you have such deficiency in the bonding, other issues could develop later on that can affect the child eventually as the child grows up.
“Of course there are health issues too. When a child does not develop the way he or she ought to develop, the child can develop some level of insecurity, which can be carried on to later in life. When you have so many children to take care of, it is certain that you cannot give everyone of them adequate attention. That is the problem that is likely to be seen in a day care. And that leaves the children with a sense of insecurity and anxiety, which may manifest much later in life. It could even lead the children to a mind situation, where they find it hard to trust people later in life.
“That is the reason we should commend the Lagos State government for elongating the maternity leave. It is important. Nursing mothers need time with their children. They need to wean their children.”
He blamed the situation on the bad economy and the level of poverty in the society. “If people were to be gainfully employed and not go far from home, some of these problems can be avoided. In a situation where you have two parents in a home and one can adequately sustain the family with his income, there will be no reason for the wife to be rushing out to work from home every day.
“On the other hand, it is difficult to say that both parents should not work because there are challenges. They have to pay house rent, pay school fees, and then feed and protect their children. So it is difficult to determine for parents how or what they should do or not do in earning income, more so when it is not illegal. But as much as possible, there should be a lot of balance. No matter the job parents are doing, they should as much as possible have time for the children.”
To Dr Tony Okeregbe of the University of Lagos, the effects of such early separation can be far reaching, affecting the child till adulthood and the society as well. “Definitely, being brought up by nannies, maids and other carers besides the parents can affect children’s socialisation. The family is the primary and first social unit; it’s the way you nurture the family that will affect the society as a whole. These days, many parents abandon their parental responsibilities and the upbringing of their children to nannies, maids and schools while they chase after money.
“Can you believe that some even forget to pick their children from school like a case we had some time ago? Because of craving for material wealth and striving for survival, they don’t find the time to be with the children, to train or inculcate proper values in them, teach them real values of life. They believe money is everything and is the solution to all problems. These children will now be at the whims and caprices of society, to the outside world and whichever dominates wins. This is the reason for such anti-social behaviours like drug taking, cultism, prostitution, crime and other antisocial activities,” he stated.
He advised parents to make the necessary sacrifice to spend time and train their children themselves instead of leaving the responsibility to others. “Their primary assignment as parents is the children and the family. Maids should not bring up children, it’s not their job. It’s the parents’ duty. If you know you won’t have time and rather focus on your career, then don’t have a family. It’s not by force!” he said.
Continuing, he added: “As a course adviser in this school, I see students at 17/18 years old who are still like babies. They are not well trained or know anything about life. There are some of these young people who, due to bad experiences with maids, have been affected psychologically. They find it difficult to develop associations and relationships with people because they were violated and abused as children by the maids. We have one like that here. She has a very negative view of relationships because she did not have parental care; the care came from the maid who exposed her to things she should not have as a child.
“Today, she finds it difficult to trust people. There were boys who were exposed to sex at a very young age and grew up having warped views about sexual life and relationships. So the effect of all these can be devastating on the children and the society generally.”
Perhaps, it’s in a bid to avert such scenarios that have led some working mothers to leave their jobs and stay home with the children.
Said Solomon: “Yes, there have been such cases. But for a working mother who is already used to going to work, resigning to come to sit at home, could be a trauma too. So it is better that she still finds some kind of work to do around her or which will enable her to also look after the baby. But the truth is, not many female city dwellers nowadays can really take care of babies and little children. Most of them depend on crèche or pre-school, even when they are not working mothers.
“However, there are women who have resigned because of their children. A case in mind is a child who used to be regularly sick at the crèche. The husband had to tell the wife to resign to come home and look after the child.
“There was also a case of a family who used to return late from work. The husband gets home at 8pm, while the wife gets home at about 11pm. The arrangement was that I bring the child home at few minutes to 11pm. Sometimes I get there, the woman is not back, when I wait, the husband will be unusually friendly with me. So, I stopped going there but they were not happy. They begged me to continue. But I couldn’t because I didn’t want to break their home.”
