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Tag: courtship

  • Glo-sponsored Prof. Johnbull  seeks true love in courtship

    Glo-sponsored Prof. Johnbull  seeks true love in courtship

    This week on “Professor Johnbull”, the TV drama series sponsored by Globacom, the need for appropriate behaviour and conduct for young folks in love relationship or courtship takes centre stage.

    Entitled Meal Ticket, the new episode takes viewers on a voyage in moral lesson for would-be couples as the omniscient Professor Johnbull, the lead character in the Series, played by the Nollywood veteran, Kanayo O. Kanayo, KOK,  gives a homily on the ideal courtship.

    In the episode, Jumoke (Bidemi Kosoko), dumps her boyfriend, Flash (Stephen Odimgba) for insolvency and goes after an impostor, who drives a car owned by another girlfriend. The bubble burst on them when the girlfriend finds out that her parasitic lover boy has been feeding off her and abandons him to Jumoke.

    Meal Ticket dramatizes a typical courtship in which the female partners see and regard their male friends as their ATM machine who should be responsible for all their needs, lock, stock and barrel, without any intention of becoming independent and responsible self-worth ladies.

    Conversely, the episode presents the flip side, where some young men, whom Professor Johnbull describes as “fine-boy-six-packs with no ambition to be responsible” take undue advantage of innocent hardworking and generous ladies to feed off them all in the name of love.

     

     

  • Maintaining purity in courtship (2)

    Dear Reader,

    Last week, I started this teaching on how to maintain purity in courtship by showing you the purpose of courtship. However, this week I shall continue with that teaching.

    Some Christians begin in the Spirit and end up in the flesh. The Word of God lists all the various works of the flesh: Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God (Galatians 5:19-21).

    Some begin quite well in the Spirit, but mess up half way by engaging themselves in the works of the flesh. All categories of uncleanness are referred to as the works of the flesh. Since courtship is not marriage, you have no marriage rights over the other until marriage is contracted. The Bible says: Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled (Hebrews 13:4). Marriage is an honourable thing when the bed is undefiled. Once the bed is defiled, that marriage has lost its honour. What you do with the bed during courtship amounts to laying a foundation for what your marriage will be like when you get into it. The law of sowing and reaping still holds here. The Bible says: Whilst the earth remaineth, seed time and harvest shall not cease… (Genesis 8:22). Since the earth is still remaining, whatever a man sows, he will reap. When the bed is defiled, the seed is sown and you can be sure that it will produce and when harvest time comes, it will manifest.

    Discuss your visions and goals together

    In other not to engage in the works of the flesh, this is the time to discuss about your visions and goals together. This is a very important point to note. Goals and plans for the future ought to be made clear to each other. Marriage is for help, not hurt. It is a decision made by you to help the other party fulfill his or her goals and vision in life and vice versa.

    Before I married my husband, I had known what direction he wanted to take. I had known his depth of love for God, his character and his integrity. Ours was quite a long courtship but I have no regrets. It has really helped me in being able to understand the kind of person he is and because of that, we have enjoyed every bit of our marriage. Just a word of caution “A broken courtship is better than a broken marriage.” When you discover differences that show incompatibility, it is wiser to dissolve the relationship instead of being another number on the divorce list.

    Check for maturity

    Since the period of courtship is a time of proving all things, it is wisdom to prove his or her maturity. In God’s concept, marriage is for men and women, not for boys and girls. The Bible says: The rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man (Genesis 2:22). The Word of God also says: Therefore shall a man…cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh (Genesis 2:24). Take particular note of these words ‘man’ and ‘woman’ in the above passages. Maturity is required before marriage. One needs to be matured spiritually, physically and emotionally and this must be addressed in courtship.

    However, maturity can be determined from two viewpoints: age and ability to handle life situations. These two put together, help in determining how mature an individual is. One that is mature for marriage should be able to assume responsibility for his or her actions, and take up the welfare of his or her spouse and children. If you are not mature enough to be a parent, then you are not mature enough for marriage. Adulthood is a basic requirement for success in marriage.

    When you are spiritually, emotionally and physically mature for marriage, you will be able to control various aspects of your life and also, you will be in control of your emotions. Wild emotions or impure emotions can lead to defilement of the marriage bed in courtship. You will discover, therefore, that God’s concept of courtship is quite different from man’s concept. Everybody has a choice to make – whether or not to accept man’s concept or God’s. However, it should be noted that God, who is the sole designer of courtship and marriage, has the correct view. His view must be taken, if we desire to reap the full reward of honour in marriage via pure courtship.

    If you desire more counsel, ask God in prayer. For your prayer to be answered, you need to accept Jesus as your Lord and personal Saviour. If this is your desire, say this prayer in faith: “Dear Lord Jesus Christ, I come to You today. I am a sinner. Forgive me my sins and cleanse me with Your Blood. I accept You as my Lord and Saviour. Make me a child of God today. Thank You for delivering me from sin and satan to serve the living God and thank You for accepting me into Your Kingdom.”

    Congratulations, you are now born-again! If you prayed this simple prayer of faith with me, you are now a child of God. He loves you and will never leave you. Read your Bible daily, obey God’s Word and seek Christian fellowship (John 14:21).

    With this, you are guaranteed all-round rest and peace in Jesus’ Name! Call or write to share your testimonies with me through contact@faithoyedepo.org, 07026385437 OR 08141320204.

    For more insight, these books authored by me are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian bookstores: Marriage Covenant, Making Marriage Work, Building A Successful Home and Success in Marriage (Co-Authored).

  • Joys of courtship, fears of marriage

    Joys of courtship, fears of marriage

    The period of courtship is very important and paramount in every relationship because it is the period of knowing each other, the period of knowing the character and attitude that each partner possesses.

    This is also the time of knowing each other’s background, family members and also the time for each partner to prepare for greater responsibilities.

    According to an online source, Courtship is the period in a relationship which precedes engagement and marriage or the establishment of an agreed relationship of a more enduring kind. During this time, there are likely to be many challenges because it is a time of understanding each other. Most often, partners detect the weakness(s) of one another during this period. It is also a period during which a couple develops a romantic relationship before getting married. Each intending partner gets to know how to manage or tolerate the temperaments of the spouse, since up-bring and exposure, education and mindsets are not the same from person to person.

    On the other hand, Marriage, according to an online free dictionary, is a legally and formally recognized union of a man and a woman. Similarly, it is a process by which two adults make their relationships public with consents of parents or other witnesses. In some cases, Courtship leads to marriage. However, there is a clear distinction between marriage and wedding.

    The utmost aim of every partner is to end up in marriage with man or woman of their choice, but sometimes fail to understudy what marriage entails.

    Interestingly, most young person in contemporary days, look forward to that day of wedding but do not know about the challenges of marriage. Suffice to note here that being mature is more important in handling all these responsibilities either in “marriage or courtship”.

    As for Courtship, it allows intending spouses to practice­, in a limited way, the roles and the virtues needed in marriage, while marriage permits them to practice the roles and virtues necessary in living together for life.

    In proper courtship, it is necessary for the partners must recognize their first righteous desires and ambitions.

    In conclusion, by the most courtship metamorphose into marriage most of the physical growth of each partner would have already occurred. More importantly, the level of friendship that the couples have shown during courtship, goes a long way in determining how smooth the marriage ride will be, beginning from their wedding night.

    Then, every intending spouse should bear in mind that the main purpose of courtship is to avoid troubles in marriage and to know each partner’s behaviors, attitudes, mannerism, temperament and interests better before getting married. To the singles in courtship, please note that marriage is not the place to start your studies, rather courtship. And to the married, do have blissful years together for life.

  • What to know about courtship

    DEAR Harriet, Please, I need your advice on courtship because in a couple of months I will be getting married to the love of my life. We have been good friends for years. He proposed marriage to me last week.

    To tell you the truth, I am so excited. Therefore, I need you to counsel me on all that I need to know from courtship to marriage. I will be expecting your reply. Please, help me.

    Thanks.

    Tonia O.,

    Lagos.

     

    We are happy for you and thanks for your message. Most potential couples dream of a happy married life right from the moment they consider tying the knot.

    Courtship should, therefore, be a period for the intending couple to devote time in knowing themselves and also gathering information that will help them build a happy home together by asking the right people questions and reading encouraging books.

    Although marriage is an institute where couples keep learning from each other every day, the information and books are guides for you to have good ideas about certain issues. I know there is no same marriage, yes, but we can only learn when we are open to information.

    Knowledge they say is power.  It is wise to start on the note of prayer. Both of you should commit the issue of marriage to the one who ordains the union and that is God.

    The period of courtship should be handled with great diligence. This is the time to interact with the hope of experiencing deeper understanding of each other. There must be effective communication. Talk about everything and anything.

    Note that the period of courtship also provides an easy room for openness leading to authentic knowledge of each other based on love, trust and faith. The time spent together should be an opportunity for growth and positive enrichment, so such encounter if utilized properly should help intending couples to know their strengths and weaknesses.

    Moreover, get to know each other’s family background, make out time to visit your various families. I know there is not enough time to really know some of them for who they are.

    At least, you will have an idea the kind of environment your spouse was raised. You have to if it is a healthy one or not because our upbringing plays a lot in our personality.

    Family in this part of the world as we know is an invaluable resource which forms an integral part of who we are. Getting close to his/her family will give you an insight about his relationship with his family members for instance and the kind of family.

    Love, they say, can be blind at times, but family members and friends can really help to correct our vision. Courtship can be regarded as a time of discovery. When we are dealing with the issue of courtship, we notice that most of our young ones are living the life of daydreaming, fantasy, unrealistic married lives that only exist in novels and movies and this have influenced their expectations, so many of them go into marriage with the wrong mindset that bliss comes automatically with marriage.

    Unfortunately, nothing could be farther from the truth. Trust me. We all inspire to have a happy married life, but we must admit that nothing in life is easy. Others see the signs of abusive personality instead of addressing the issue.

    They have the notion that their intending spouse will change once they get married, forgetting the basic fact that you can only change yourself not others. What you can learn to do is to tolerate your spouse’s strengths and weaknesses.

    On the contrary, you must deliberately work it out together. You must consciously decide or ensure that your marriage will be a marriage that God intends it to be, that is, one that will be enjoyed and not endured.

    Some people while in marriage, especially when it comes to raising a family, that is the time  they suddenly realize that marriage is very tasking and demanding.

    Understanding how to keep your marriage on track emotionally and romance is not a walk over instead it requires hard work. Apart from the part that marriage is physically demanding married couples will agree with me that it is also emotionally challenging because there are a lot of issues you have to juggle with and if not properly handled can pose as a threat to the existence of your relationship.

    Take for example, the issue of finance, in-laws, extended family members, habits, hobbies, careers, choices and so on, especially in this part of the world. Issues like this must be discussed openly with your partner in order to avoid any friction.

    When couples lack the necessary information to tackle these issues, expectations become doused and in no time frustration will set in and if not resolved can bring about  other issues.

    In spite of all the ups and downs of marriage, it is a beautiful thing once you make each other your best friend and allow God to reign in your home because He created marriage.

    Love each other and never stop loving each other. Nurture your marriage with all the necessary healthy nutrients you need like trust, care, tolerance, patience, understanding, effective communication, appreciation and reward. Find room to spend quality time with your spouse, just the two of you. Correct with love and be quick to forgive. Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj, blog: liwh.com.ng

  • Maintaining purity in courtship (4)

    GOD is interested in your marriage being successful. As stated in the previous teaching, what you do with the foundation laying stage of marriage, which is courtship, determines how successful your marriage will be. Therefore, to have a successful marriage, the most important thing is to ensure that you follow God’s principles for marriage. The irony is, when we focus on His principles instead of our pleasure, we end up having a very satisfying and pleasant marriage!

    Courtship is about open and honest exploration of each other’s lives and families, leading to engagement and marriage. Courtship is about preparation for marriage and it helps you to see if there is any reason why you shouldn’t get married. There is no romantic interaction until after the commitment to marriage (wedding). This does not mean that you don’t love your spouse-to-be. The Bible says: Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these (Mark 12:31). Loving him or her could mean disciplining, correcting and exhorting each other, to change. Other times, it may be to quash a selfish desire in your heart in favour of their desires. Basically, it means taking the focus off yourself and looking at what you can invest in the other person.

    In the context of courtship therefore, there are two neighbours that we should love (i.e. keep their best interests at heart). Firstly, your future spouse. Keeping his or her best interests at heart will result in saving your sexual and emotional purity for her or him, developing your character and preparing resources for a stable marriage with him or her, etc.

    Secondly, there is the future spouse of that person you are interested in. Unless you are ready for marriage, you should not have ’emotional exchanges’ with any member of the opposite sex. You should treat every friend as though they will be someone else’s spouse. Loving that spouse as a neighbour means treating this person as a brother or sister in Christ, not defrauding their emotions or their purity but investing in them without motive for selfish gain.

    Some people wonder about a relationship where there is ‘no romantic involvement before marriage’ and the possibility that a couple could get married but later discover they have no sexual or romantic feelings for each other. To clarify, however, my conviction is that you shouldn’t be romantically involved until after the commitment to marriage (wedding). Keep your romantic emotions for your husband or your wife. This is the only way to romance one partner in your lifetime.

    If you allow the romance before the commitment, then there is the possibility of several romances, with all the pain and emotional baggage that it entails. The Word of God says: So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies… Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself (Ephesians 5:28 & 33). From the above passages you can see the underlined words.

    Thus the Bible says: “Love the one you married” rather than to “marry the one you love.” That is why the above verses say, “Men love your wives”. Romantic emotions should be reserved for marriage not for courtship. This is because when you get romantically involved and the courtship ends due to some things you have discovered about the other person, often times, this results in hurt. Therefore, keep all romantic emotions till after the wedding to avoid heartbreak and hurt. Have you ever wondered why some people in a relationship go mad when it ends? The Word of God says: What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh (1 Corinthians 6:16).

    Getting romantically involved is like being joined to become one flesh with who you are in courtship with. Any break in that relationship will amount to literally tearing the flesh. Be wise and don’t get emotionally involved during courtship. Let your emotions be intact. Guard your heart with all diligence because out of it are the issues that will make your marriage successful. The courtship period is quite a vulnerable one but the boundaries God has set are for the protection and preservation of your heart from hurt. It is also for the protection of your future marriage from shame that comes when the marriage bed is defiled. Take it in good faith because the commandments of God are not grievous; rather, they are meant to groom us.

    From the foregoing, you need the help of God to maintain purity in your courtship so as to enjoy the honour in marriage. This help is obtainable by accepting Jesus as your Lord and personal Saviour as you say this prayer: “Dear Lord Jesus Christ, I come to You today. I am a sinner.  Forgive me of my sins and cleanse me with Your Blood.  Deliver me from sin and Satan to serve the living God.  I accept You as my Lord and Saviour. Make me a child of God today. Thank You for accepting me into Your Kingdom.”

    If you prayed this simple prayer, you are now a child of God. He loves you and will never leave you. Read your Bible daily, obey God’s Word and seek Christian fellowship (John 14:21).

     

    Congratulations! You are now born again! All-round rest and peace are guaranteed you, in Jesus’ Name. Call or write, and share your testimonies with me through contact@faithoyedepo.org; OR 07026385437 and 08141320204.

     

    For more insight, these books authored by me are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian bookstores: Marriage Covenant, Making Marriage Work, Building A Successful Home and Success in Marriage (Co-Authored).

  • Maintaining purity in courtship (2)

    LAST week, I started this teaching on how to maintain purity in courtship by showing you the purpose of courtship. This week, I shall continue with that teaching.

    Some Christians begin in the Spirit and end up in the flesh. The Word of God lists all the various works of the flesh: Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God (Galatians 5:19-21).

    Some begin quite well in the Spirit, but mess up half way by engaging in the works of the flesh. All categories of uncleanness are referred to as the works of the flesh. Since courtship is not marriage, you have no marriage rights over the other until marriage is contracted. The Bible says: Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled (Hebrews 13:4). Marriage is an honourable thing when the bed is undefiled. Once the bed is defiled, that marriage has lost its honour. What you do with the bed during courtship amounts to laying a foundation for what your marriage will be like when you get into it. The law of sowing and reaping still holds here. The Bible says: Whilst the earth remaineth, seed time and harvest shall not cease (Genesis 8:22). Since the earth still remains, whatever a man sows, he will reap. When the bed is defiled, the seed is sown and you can be sure that it will produce and when harvest time comes, it will manifest.

    Discuss your visions and goals together

    In other not to engage in the works of the flesh, this is the time to discuss about your visions and goals together. This is a very important point to note. Goals and plans for the future ought to be made clear to each other. Marriage is for help, not hurt. It is a decision made by you to help the other party fulfil his or her goals and vision in life, and vice versa.

    Before I married my husband, I knew the direction he wanted to take. I knew his level of love for God, his character and integrity. Ours was quite a long courtship but I have no regrets. It has really helped me in being able to understand the kind of person he is and as a result, we have enjoyed every bit of our marriage. Just a word of caution: A broken courtship is better than a broken marriage. When you discover differences that border on incompatibility, it is wise to dissolve the relationship instead of being another number on the divorce list or another broken marriage amongst many.

    Check for maturity

    Since the period of courtship is a time of proving all things, it is wisdom to prove his or her maturity. In God’s concept, marriage is for men and women, not for boys and girls. The Bible says: The rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man (Genesis 2:22). The Word of God also says: Therefore shall a man…cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh (Genesis 2:24). Take particular note of these words ‘man’ and ‘woman’ in the above passages. Maturity is required before marriage. One need to mature spiritually, physically and emotionally and this must be addressed in courtship.

    However, maturity can be determined from two view points: age and ability to handle life situations. These two, put together, help in determining how mature an individual is. One that is mature for marriage should be able to assume responsibility for his or her actions, and take up the welfare of his or her spouse and children. If you are not mature enough to be a parent, then you are not mature enough for marriage. Adulthood is a basic requirement for success in marriage.

    When you are spiritually, emotionally and physically mature for marriage, you will be able to control various aspects of your life and also be in control of your emotions. Wild emotions or impure emotions can lead to defilement of the marriage bed in courtship. You will discover, therefore, that God’s concept of courtship is quite different from man’s concept. Everybody has a choice to makewhether to accept man’s concept or God’s. However, it should be noted that God, Who is the Sole Designer of courtship and marriage, has the correct view. This view must be accepted, if we desire to reap the full reward of honour in marriage via pure courtship.

    If you desire more counsel, ask God in prayer. However, for your prayer to be answered, you need to accept Jesus as your Lord and personal Saviour. If this is your desire, say this prayer in faith: “Dear Lord Jesus Christ, I come to You today. I am a sinner.  Forgive me of my sins and cleanse me with Your Blood.  Deliver me from sin and Satan to serve the living God.  I accept You as my Lord and Saviour. Make me a child of God today. Thank You for accepting me into Your Kingdom.”

    If you prayed this simple prayer, you are now a child of God. He loves you and will never leave you. Read your Bible daily, obey God’s Word and seek Christian fellowship (John 14:21).

    Congratulations! You are now born again! All-round rest and peace are guaranteed you, in Jesus’ Name. Call or write, and share your testimonies with me through contact@faithoyedepo.org; OR 07026385437 and 08141320204.

    For more insight, these books authored by me are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian bookstores: Marriage Covenant, Making Marriage Work, Building A Successful Home and Success in Marriage (Co-Authored

  • Maintaining purity in courtship

    DEAR reader, I am glad to let you know that marriage can be one of the sweetest experiences on earth and also be a bitter pill, depending on how it is handled. God designed marriage from inception to be a thrilling experience filled with joyful events, new discoveries, and the euphoria of companionship. After designing and creating the blueprint for a happy home, the Bible says: God saw it and rated it as very good (Genesis 1:31).

    But the natural man with his own rules and ideologies corrupted it and this led to the “bitter pill” experience in marriage and family. The Word of God says: Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled (Hebrews 13:4). As believers in Christ Jesus, He has not left you alone to be confronted with the bitter experiences some have in marriage, through the defilement of the marriage bed in courtship. The Lord Jesus has provided guidelines in His Word that will help you triumph in every area of your life, including courtship and marriage. If you will just follow them, you will reap the blessings therein.

    The subject of marriage begins when two individuals, man and woman, decide to marry each other. That is the beginning of a real relationship, where you love that person enough to be honest about who you are, what you plan to do and be, and how you feel about them. At this point, what does God’s Word say to the believer? It says: Prove all things (2 Thessalonians 5:21).

    ‘To prove’ means to examine. Your would-be spouse needs to be proved and this is done by getting to know him/her better. You too need to be proved, in order to know if you can cope and actually be a helpmeet to the other party. This period of waiting and watching before the actual wedding is called courtship. Others call it, “going steady”. Whatever the case, this is the period where you determine if you have made the right choice or not. At such a time, you need to be very alert and not be blinded by romantic feelings, because marriage is not a fantasy, it is a reality.

    Next to love, the most important ingredients in relationships are openness and honest communication. If, as someone who is preparing for marriage, you cannot communicate with transparency and vulnerability, then you need to work on these areas! Communication is a crucial foundation to every marriage and open communication is necessary in order to understand what is truly motivating each person, especially when you have differing points of view. Courtship is a period you get more acquainted with your would-be spouse.

    Despite the fact that you are getting closer and knowing each other better, courtship period should not be equated to marriage. It is actually the foundational stage of marriage and what you do with this period determines how your marriage will turn out to be. The Word of God says: If the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do? (Psalms 11:3). At this stage, you can’t move in or sleep with your would-be partner in a bid to know each other better.

    It is ungodly, unhealthy and doesn’t allow you establish a good foundation for your marriage. To maintain purity in courtship, you must know what to do during this period and this will help you to have a fulfilled one. I shall be taking some of them in these teaching and subsequent ones.

    Pray Together

    As believers in Christ, you need to take time out to pray and share God’s Word together. This is when you can ascertain your partner’s spiritual depth, spiritual maturity and genuine love for God. Pray together with this purpose in mind.

    Play games and visit friends together

    In the process of doing this, you get to know who your partner’s real friends are. This is another way of knowing who you are about marrying. The saying goes, “Show me your friends and I will tell you who you are” and “who you will become”, if I may add (Proverbs 20:13).

    Visit family members

    It is wise you don’t rush into this step, until your conviction is strengthened and you are becoming certain of your partner. By so doing, you owe your integrity not only to God but also to your family. From the foregoing, you need the wisdom of God to be able to really discern the kind of man or woman you want to live the rest of your life with.

    To obtain wisdom, you need to accept Jesus, Who is the Wisdom of God, as your Lord and personal Saviour by saying this prayer: “Dear Lord Jesus Christ, I come to You today. I am a sinner.  Forgive me of my sins and cleanse me with Your Blood.  Deliver me from sin and Satan to serve the living God.  I accept You as my Lord and Saviour. Make me a child of God today. Thank You for accepting me into Your Kingdom.”

    If you prayed this simple prayer, you are now a child of God. He loves you and will never leave you. Read your Bible daily, obey God’s Word and seek Christian fellowship (John 14:21).

    Congratulations! You are now born again! All-round rest and peace are guaranteed you, in Jesus’ Name. Call or write, and share your testimonies with me through contact@faithoyedepo.org; OR 07026385437 and 08141320204.

    For more insight, these books authored by me are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian bookstores: Marriage Covenant, Making Marriage Work, Building A Successful Home and Success in Marriage (Co-Authored).

  • Courtship in times of service

    For anyone who is conversant with the dynamics of the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC), it is said that when a corps member gets married to another during the service year, the government blesses the union with N500, 000.  And over the years, this saying has come to remain as the permanent undercover for the unrestrained promiscuity prevalent among corps members across the country. The narrative begins at the various orientation camps or what could be lightly referred to as ‘Garden of Eden.’

    Yearly, young graduates churned out from the various higher institutions of learning across the federation, are mobilised for the compulsory one year service to their father land. While packing their bags and leaving for this one year service, they leave behind family and friends as well as their lovers. They proceed to their various orientation camps with the hope of honouring their commitments to the people in their lives.

    But on getting to camp, their senses of control betray them. They lose sight of the very weight of their commitment to their initial lovers while they take on make-shift affairs, buried in their thirst for amorous adventure.

    The various platoon meetings and relaxation spots – Mammy markets – combine to provide ample opportunity for corps members to meet one another and kick off what would later turn out as an affair.

    Just like my lecturer back in my alma mater (University of Benin) would say:”all relationships in the university end at the main gate.”

    My lecturer’s position is validated on the premise that most romantic relationships between corps members are nothing but a one-year stand which starts and ends in khaki. But one also wonders if this statement is entirely true when seen from the purview that some relationships in khaki have actually blossomed into marriage. Of significance is the case of the Ekiti State NYSC Coordinator Mr T.C. Ibeh, who met his wife while he was the president of his CDs group.

    However, in addressing this issue, one vital question comes to mind: why do corps members go into romantic relationship seeing that they have barely a year together?

    Several reasons abound as to why corps members venture into romantic relationship, of which geographical proximity remains paramount.

    A majority of corps members are already into romantic relationships before they set out to serve their father land in their various states of deployment. But on getting there – due to the challenge of distance between them and their lovers and the seemingly herculean task of maintaining long distance relationships – most embark on new relationships without doing away with the old. They begin to cheat on their partners with their fellow corps members.

    Consider the case of Funmi, a corps member serving in Akwa Ibom State. She got engaged before she was mobilised for the national service and had to leave her fiancé to serve her fatherland.All efforts to redeploy to Lagos where her fiancé works proved futile. So she faced the stark reality of living the one year without the warmth and unfettered presence of her fiancé.

    Due to her fiancé’s tight schedule at work and coupled with the challenge of distance, the two began to drift apart, fuelling an avalanche of temptations. And just before one could scream Jack Robinson, Funmi is already burning with passion for her newly-found lover, her one-year stand.

    Corps members also date themselves during their osne year of service to avoid the feeling of loneliness. In a place where one necessary does not have any relative or friends, most corps members take solace in embarking on romantic relationship amongst themselves. For the male folk, dating a fellow corps member comes with its attendant blessings, including a steady supply of good

    meal and domestic assistance, where necessary.

    However some corps members, in defence of their rationale for embarking on such relationships, believe that having gone through the four walls of a tertiary institution, they are mentally and socially ready for relationships that can even culminate

    in marriage. On the other hand, some have argued that romantic relationship between corps member is nothing but a casual union to while away the service year. The two arguments compel one to recourse to the poser:  “is the love in khaki a purposeful relationship or merely a one year stand?”

    Khaki love can be a purposeful relationship leading to marriage.Or it can simply be one-year stand

    depending on the reasons both parties had for embarking on one.

    For corps members who venture into romantic relationships in other to satisfy the yearnings of their stomach or defeat the forces of loneliness caused by the long distance between them and their patners, one can safely assume that such relationships are nothing more than a one year stand which, most times, are prone to creating cycles of emotional trauma for the parties involved.

    On the other hand, khaki relationships established on the tenets of trust, companionship, compatibility and love can be tagged as one which can possibly progress into blissful union.

    Love will forever remain a beautiful thing irrespective of whether one finds it on a dying bed or wearing the

    NYSC crested vest.

     

    Ikechukwu just finished his NYSC in Ekiti State

  • Courtship before marriage

    DEAR Harriet, I need your advice on courtship before marriage. Please, do you think it is  it necessary?

    Thanks.

    Name withheld, Port-Harcourt.

     

    Thanks for your email. It is very important to note that marriage is a serious affair and must be treated with all seriousness in order to avoid complaints, regrets and so on which can lead to other marital issues, including divorce. Marriage should be based on true love, and not infatuation or pity, and courtship should be considered with a man or woman whom you love enough to marry not just anyone.

    You cannot judge by the number of years or months, but once you have it at the back of your mind that marriage is a learning institute based on relationship, then you place yourself in a better position.

    Courtship is of immense significance for any man or woman, intending to commit themselves to each other in marriage. It is wise to start on a note of prayer. Both of you should commit the issue of marriage to the one who ordains the union and that is God. The period of courtship should be handled with great diligence. It is good to look well before leaping. This is the time to interact with the hope of experiencing deeper understanding of each other. In other words, there must be effective communication.

    Note that the period of courtship also provides a ground for openness, leading to authentic knowledge of each other based on love, trust and faith. The time spent together should be an opportunity for growth and positive enrichment. As a result , such encounter, if utilized properly should help the intending couple to know each other strength and weaknesses.

    Moreover, get to know each other’s family. As much as possible, spend time with each other’s families. Visit them because it is very important so that if you do end up in marriage, you will have a better understanding of them in order to get along freely. They will not see you as a stranger, but as part of their family. Family, in this part of the world as we know, is an invaluable resource which forms an integral part of who we are. Getting close to his or her family will give you an insight into his relationship with his family members and the kind of family. Love, they say, can be blind at times, but family and friends can really help to correct our vision.

    Courtship can be regarded as a time of discovery. The step you are about to take is not a boyfriend or girlfriend issue. It is a lifetime commitment like I  said at the beginning. So, as you are busy taking the above into consideration, don’t forget to also study yourself to know your likes and dislikes, your temperament and mode of life because this process will surely enhance your personal understanding of who you are and how you can work towards improving yourself to be right for your Mr. Right. Most times, we want our partner to be the right person, forgetting that we also have to be right as well.

    Your parents or guardians are important, so you should carry them along on the issue of marriage. Some cases we know can be difficult, but try to communicate with your parents for them to understand your dreams and aspirations. If you have to give them time to see reason with your choice, do so with an open mind. Don’t assume that they are irrelevant.

    Remember they raised you and they will always want the best for you in most cases. In addition, to a large extent, they have been instrumental in your well- being. You may not agree on every issue, but endeavour to respect and honour them in passing across your point.

    Another area to make open during courtship is the aspect of finance. It has to be said here that financial consideration should not be a priority in the process of preparing for marriage. Nevertheless, we must not underestimate its importance. True love and not wealth should be the motivating factor. This is because there are many rich homes where there is no love and happiness. Even in the midst of wealth, some marriages have broken down. Partners should, however, take steps to be self-reliant, particularly in the financial aspect. This requires openness that will enable partners to truly know the financial strength of each other, bearing in mind that marriage will bring additional financial demands. The leadership role of a man, for example, in a home naturally imposes upon him more financial responsibilities. It is, therefore, incumbent on him to find out, if he has the financial power to meet in the immediate and future the demands of his wife to-be.

    Together they should find out what each person is bringing to the table now or in the future. This is very important because it is risky to marry a person that has no source of income, except there is a concrete arrangement or evidence that something will come up in the future. Care must be taken not to allow money destroy the values of love, peace, happiness and unity in the home. Dialogue and cooperation on money matters were vital during courtship because it helps the man and the woman to build a solid foundation on how to manage their resources when they get married.

    It also helps them to manage their emotions when it comes to money.  Intimacy in courtship is not to be neglected, both emotional and physical. It is advisable to be able to set boundaries for proper reasoning. Decide what your limitations are. After all, if everything works out, you will spend the rest of your life with him or her. The excitement is one great moment that couples look forward to.

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • How distance, rumour almost ruined our courtship

    How distance, rumour almost ruined our courtship

    It was a thanksgiving service for their marriage at the Redeemed Christian Church of God, House of Bread Chapel, Nsukka Street Port Harcourt, Rivers State. For Mr and Mrs Ezekiel and Eunice Ajayi, the event was not just the celebration of their love, it was a victory over distance and meddlesome friends who tried to torpedo the ship of their union.

    The groom works with The Nation’s Port Harcourt station and his bride lives in Ondo.

    Speaking after the service, Mrs. Ajayi described distance as a barrier to any love relationship, adding that it could be managed through prayers and effective communication.

    She said although the aches and agony of being without her love lingered, it was no longer important because she won the battle through prayer, adding that she had forgotten the grudges she encountered during the courtship.

    Mrs Ajayi said: “I met my husband in my village Okemesi, Ekiti State.  We attended the same school in the same community.  But after few years he got a job and travelled out of the community and we lost contacts. Thank God for Facebook,   it was when I was doing my National Youths Service (NYSC) in Taraba State that we re-connected again and exchanged phone numbers.”

    However, she said she almost bowed to challenges encountered during the courtship, noting that as in most distance relationship, suspicion was a dominant factor but was conquered through love, constant reconciliation and effective communication.

    “When your partner is far from you, the relationship must face challenges, because there will always be suspicious. How the two partners handle their crisis also matters; are they ready for reconciliation each time there is problem?

    “There was a time my husband called me and said he was in Ondo State but I later found out that he was in Port Harcourt. I was very angry because I had already called my friends and parents that he was around only to find out that he was in Port Harcourt.

    “In long distance relationship you don’t always see your partner when you want him/her – that is another problem. And as a lady who is love with a man who wants to be your husband, you need him always by your side.

    “Then you can imagine finding yourself in such condition and suddenly you receive a call that your man is not faithful to you. Now, how do you know that the caller is sincere? In such a situation one is supposed to meet the partner to hear him out because phone conversation cannot be enough to solve the problem. I have heard people saying that distance courtship doesn’t work but mine worked through effective prayer and communication.”

    “There was another issue when I had accident; this time around it was between me and my best friend. She took the advantage of the accident to lure my husband into relationship. It was a big challenge that wanted to end our relationship if my husband didn’t love me. She told my husband all sorts of things about me. In fact, she wanted my husband and had advised him to dump me even when I was hospitalised.

    “At a point when the strange lady started calling my husband daily, I became angry and this was happening few months to our wedding. Then, I told my parents that despite all we had spent for the wedding that I was going to back out.

    “The funny thing is that she will tell my husband another thing and call to tell me the sweet things my husband told her. But I started praying to God asking Him to take control of everything and I am happy today to tell you that God is faithful.”