The Nation Newspaper

Tag: dating

  • Four qualities of a Player

    Four qualities of a Player

    A couple of years ago, Trisha met Donald in on her way to work, and they exchanged numbers, at first Donald would call Trisha and they would chat, later on he would pick her up from her  office after work and drop her off at home. He claimed that he lived at Epe, but always dropped her at her Surulere apartment every evening, before retiring to his sister’s apartment at Ojuelegba. And never introduced Trisha to his sister. When he started asking her to loan him money, she stopped taking his calls, and asked her staff not to allow him into her office. Years later, they ran into each other, and he admitted that he had been in a relationship with the woman he was living with at the time he met her, but claimed that the relationship was over. Trisha was lucky enough to have avoided a player, and is now happily married to a wonderful husband- a real man. So how do you recognize a player? Enjoy;

    1. Lies a lot – A player’s stories never add up. As I have mentioned times without number, when dealing with a man, never listen to what he says, rather look at his actions, actions don’t lie. So you are dating a guy who says one thing and does something else, please watch out, he might have something under his sleeves. If he says he will call, and never does, claiming to be too busy, or says he is in one place and you discover that he is elsewhere, the list goes on.
    2. Won’t invite you to his house or office– The most natural thing to do when you are getting to know someone is to be invited to their homes or/and office. When a regular date becomes a serious relationship, and you still don’t know his office or house, it might be that he has something to hide. Like Donald, who was living with a woman whom he claimed was his sister, and never introduced to Trisha, how many ladies are wise enough to smell a rat? If he won’t show you his house, friends, or relatives; there is a reason. Please investigate.
    3. Attempts to turn you to his ATM with his hard luck stories – I can’t count the number of times I have come across the hard luck stories of ladies who gave their love and money to guys, and the guys took off. It never seems to end well, even when the men marry them, the likelihood of them becoming the breadwinners to the women who fended for them in the past remains low. Only this week, a relative of mine was beaten black and blue by her husband; a rich man she married when he had no job. She was actually feeding and clothing the guy. Unbelievably, today, she is responsible for feeding, school fees, and welfare of their four kids, even though he is now very rich, and owns Petrol stations today, can you believe that? Oh, and he also acquired a new wife.
    4. Almost always wants to rush you to have sex with him – The decision to have sex with a man you are not married to is a personal decision for the female to make. The player is always in a hurry to get you in his bed, promising you the world for it. Only, afterwards you might find that he is making the same promises to any number of ladies out there. My take on the issue of pre-marital sex? Never give in just because you want to please him. If you want to become the village mattress, it is okay if that is what you want, but remember, the risk is that you might just be another one of the babes he uses and dumps. I like the way the Americans put it, “If he likes it, he should put a ring on it.” Enough said.

  • Internet dating

    DEAR Harriet, I am in a relationship with a guy I met on the internet. He stays abroad and wants to marry me.  Although I have not seen him, he promised coming over soon.

    How do I know if he is the right person for me?

    Thanks.

    Name withheld, Lagos

    .

    Thanks for your text message. Starting a distance relationship with someone is one thing, knowing if the person is the right one for you is another?

    Yes, some people met their future partners on the internet and some have also experienced disappointment, heartbreak and death on internet relationships. Who knows?

    Some people are lucky, while others are not, but a few things remain the same when it comes to relationships that we must not overlook.

    Getting the right person to spend the rest of your life with is one of the most important decisions that every unmarried person needs to make. The predicament that singles face with the issue of marriage should not be neglected.

    The question that you must ask yourself is the reason why you want to get married.  Is it because you want to be like the Joneses? If you don’t understand the purpose, then you may not be able to walk, according to God’s plan for marriage.

    Remember, marriage is an institution ordained by God, and his desire is for couples to find peace and joy in their marriage.  In today’s world, many young people want to marry for these reasons:

    Desire to be free from parents or guardians.

    To fulfil sexual desires.

    To ease loneliness.

    To be happy.

    To prove to others that they are adults too.

    They feel suddenly pregnant.

    Out of pity or sympathy for a young person around them that is lonely or need help.

    Love for children and desire to have children they can call their own.

    Family financial situation, poor family and having seen a rich prospective partner he/she will be able to solve their family financial situations.

    All their friends and those younger than them are getting married.

    They have always wanted a societal wedding that will be the talk of town.

    Out of fear that no one wants to marry them because of some reasons buried in their heads.

    They think that time is running out.

    They are tired of being single.

    As good as some of the reasons above may be, they are not just strong enough. They need more compelling reasons to decide to marry as marriage in itself will not solve all their problems as some people think.

    The step you are about to take is not an easy one; it is a life-time commitment, so you must try as much as possible to be honest on everything giving it time to knowing each other.

    If possible, it will be nice to arrange a meeting. Make sure you don’t visit alone and it must be in a public place. Avoid going any way private with him. For safety reasons, carry out proper checks and be able to ask and answer truthful questions.

    People can appear very different on line, so don’t allow anybody to pressurize you into marriage when you are not ready. Before you say yes to his proposal, make sure it is really what you want and that you love each other enough.

    More so, consider the character of the person you want to marry and do not proceed until you have inner peace on it.

    How does he relate with you because you are so far apart it is very important you evaluate your relationship with him, especially in the aspect of communication. How often do you talk with each other? Are you open to one another? Does he respect you and share your dreams and aspirations? Is he the controlling type? What are his religious views? Do you have a common ground on spiritual issues? What’s his growing up like?

    Because you met him on the internet, face reality and think the proposal through and don’t be in a hurry.

    To know if the person is right for you, he must be ready to accept your past and present. Some people want to change everything about you. Whoever wants to marry you must be ready to accept you and must be prepared to work patiently on you, with you for changes to take place without forcing you.

    Furthermore, you must know that there is no perfect being; happiness comes when we are committed to making someone else happy. It is about giving and taking. It is not about a selfish desire to just receive and not give out love.

    As you go about with your check list on him, make sure that you are also right for Mr. Right because it takes two to tangle. Sex before marriage should not be a determining factor to tell if a person is the right one. Signs should also not be taking for granted.

    Many marriages are suffering today simply because people ignore the signs of violence, truancy, insensitivity and selfishness at the very early stage of dating with the expectations that they will change the persons once they get married, forgetting that you can only change yourself, not your partner by learning to live with his strengths and shortcomings.

    There is no statement like he or she was not like this at the beginning. No, the signs were always there, but you chose not to see them. Finally, the decision is yours to make. Think the proposal through properly and good luck.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.

  • Dating your friend’s ex-boyfriend

    This past week was really busy for me. We had to move from one house to the other and that was a big deal for me considering the fact that there was much work to be done in the office. I had to juggle between packing, fixing things in the new home and generally settling in on one hand and getting some work done on the other hand.

    In the midst of all that, two of my friends were going for each other’s jugular over a big matter – boyfriend snatching. Not exactly like that, but something similar. Anyway, they wouldn’t let me concentrate on the tasks before me except I played the judge. Hmm…Let me try to put it straight. Madam A had this boyfriend she was not comfortable with because they were operating on different frequencies. To her, he was just a boyfriend-in-transit until she found somebody she considered to be a real man. It was easy to understand her non-committal stance then because in actual fact, she and the bobo (Mansur) were miles apart in the way they were doing things. She was brought up as an ajebutter – prim and proper. She is the kind of lady that would say ‘thank you’ for everything given to her even if the thing belongs to her. She would take an excuse to answer phone calls in the midst of a conversation and no matter how long you have known her as a friend, she wouldn’t open your fridge except you wanted her to.

    Meanwhile, Mansur on the other hand has always been a carefree person. He would try to open your door without knocking. He would go to your kitchen and dish out food without asking if he was permitted to do that. And the bit that I never liked in their relationship was the fact that he would take her money if he needed without asking. He once took some money that she was supposed to help me get some stuff with. He just assumed that it was hers and so, it was his. Of course, it wasn’t funny then because the stuff was urgent and had a timeframe and I was out of town.

    Our small circle of friends knew that the relationship was going to run its course and end and so, we encouraged her to take things easy as Mansur was not going to change.

    Now, Ms. B was one of our friends and although she was also well brought up, she could laugh in the midst of a storm. Ms. B has always taken things as they come and would shrug and move on if something she didn’t like happened.

    The difference between Madam A and Ms. B has been their attitudes towards matters. While Madam A would fret and sulk and withdraw into her shell, Ms. B would see the funny side of things and take them as they come.

    Well, Madam A soon found an ajebutter like herself and before we even got to meet the guy, they had fixed a wedding date. We all had important roles at the wedding and it was fun. Everybody soon forgot about Masur… or so we thought.

    Last week, it turned out that Mansur posted some new pictures on his Facebook page and it turned out that the new woman in his life is Ms. B! Somebody saw the pictures and alerted Madam A and Shakespeare’s quote on women and hell had to be re-quoted and debated “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”

    Madam A called Ms. B who confirmed the story and even went on to say a date has been fixed for their wedding. Madam A has been on the phone calling every one of us not to attend the wedding and of course, she wanted my verdict on the issue.

    The problem with me is that I have to be neutral. So, in order not to further damage an already bad situation, I sought help from my ever dependable site, iVillage and this is what I got about dating rules for one friend dating friend’s ex-boyfriends. Enjoy!

    Dating a friend’s ex-boyfriend isn’t just playing with fire – it’s a bomb that can implode your whole social circle. Your friendship may not survive, and if it does, it will never be the same.

    ‘That sounds so ominous, but your day-to-day dynamic and the context of what you share with each other will be different,’ says dating expert Natasha Burton, co-author of The Little Black Book of Big Red Flags. ‘I’d caution women to take stock of their friendship and ask ‘Is this guy really worth it?’’ Ask yourself, ‘Are you drawn to the excitement of plucking forbidden fruit? Or is there an authentic connection that you can see going the distance? ‘ There has to be more than the thrill of the drama because eventually that will fizzle out,’ says Lisa Paz, Ph.D., a marriage, family and sex therapist in Miami.

    Question his motives

    Even mind-blowing sex ultimately isn’t worth sacrificing a friendship, so make sure you and Mr. Ex both see the relationship heading in the same direction and that his motivations are on the up and up. After all, it’s one thing if he was your friend’s college flame and you bump into him 10 years later in an Italian cooking class and bond over lasagna. It’s quite another if he dumped her last weekend and wants to hook up with you now.

    ‘It’s a red flag if a guy wants to date you right after he broke up with your best friend, especially if they were serious,’ warns Burton. ‘If he’s flirting with you a few weeks later, it’s probably more to make her upset and show he can get a girl who’s supposed to be off-limits, than any genuine interest in you.’

    Take it slow!

    If your conscience gives you the green light to pursue Mr. Ex, still take things slow, even more slowly than you normally might with any other guy. Though the temptation will be incredibly strong, ‘don’t jump right into bed with this guy,’ counsels dating expert Hayley Quinn. ‘Build your relationship in a more public way, with daytime activities, coffee dates, lunches. That’s safer because you’re less likely to get carried away and end up in bed.

    Going slowly also gives you time to exit if it looks like it’s not going anywhere.’ (And, Quinn notes, if the relationship is a non-starter, you can easily explain away a few coffees and lunches, and no one needs to know a thing about it).

    ‘Fess up to your friend fast

    If you may have something special with Mr. Ex, your friend needs to know. And she needs to hear the news from you. Dating experts differ on when’s best to speak up. Burton thinks anything less than full-disclosure on first contact could be seen as ‘sneaky’.

    Others say wait unit there’s something to report. ‘Once you’ve had that first kiss and feel like your relationship could be more than casual, then you need to tell, and certainly if you’ve already been to bed,’ says relationship and dating expert Julie Spira, founder of Cyberdatingexpert.com.

    Since there’s no universe in which this will be a pleasant, or even easy, conversation to have, keep it short, simple and honest: I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I don’t want to hide this from you either. I’ve been going out with Mr. Ex.

    Prepare for the backlash

    If telling your friend you’re dating her ex was hard, this next part may be harder. Once everything’s out in the open, you’ve got to sit still with your mouth shut and brace yourself for the emotional backlash.

    ‘Expect a very angry, jealous response,’ predicts Yahoo’s mental health expert Rob Dobrenski, Ph.D., author of Crazy: Notes On and Off the Couch.’Don’t go in with the idea of defending what you did because that says to your friend ‘You’re not allowed to feel what you’re feeling right now.’ But if you let your friend have her say, she may come around at some point.’

    Follow your friend’s lead

    As the wounded party in this situation, your pal (if she remains one) gets to set the tone for how friendly she wants to still be with you… and how much she wants to see and hear about you as a couple. ‘If you’re breaking this taboo, you’re going to have to acquiesce to your friend’s comfort level to try to salvage your friendship,’ says Paz.

    That said, the best way to show that you still want to be a friend is to spend time with her one-on-one and continue to include her in group gatherings even if her ex, your new beau, will be there, too. ‘She can always say she’s busy if she’s uncomfortable, but at least you’ve done the right thing by inviting her,’ says Spira. ‘I see too many women dumping friends for men and then if that relationship ends, they’ve lost a friend.’

     

    Be prepared to lose your friend

    If you date a friend’s ex, be prepared for her to wash her hands of you. ‘You’re going to feel sad, but you’re just going to have to deal with it,’ explains Dobrenski. Still, it’s possible that after some time has passed, you may be able to heal the rift.

    ‘I’ve had clients who’ve reconnected with friends, sometimes weeks, sometimes years, after the dust has settled.’ But you’re going to have to be patient. ‘Don’t push it. That’s doubly unfair to your friend who’s lost both her ex and you.’

    Don’t spread the news on Facebook

    Naturally, you want to tell everyone your new relationship status, but resist doing it on Facebook, cautions Dobrenski. Assuming you’re still Facebook friends with your pal, you should be especially sensitive about posting updates and photos that could potentially hurt her feelings.

    ‘You don’t know who will see that and it could lead to some nasty postings on your wall,’ he says. Instead, personally tell a few close friends and then let the grapevine do its work. ‘Depending on how your friend reacted to the news, I would say no posting pictures of the two of you on Facebook for six months to a year,’ says Paz. ‘Take the high road where your friend is concerned rather than trying to assert your new position as Girlfriend.’

     

  • When dating is right

    Many youths are faced with the challenge of not knowing the right time to engage in courtship. I mean a healthy relationship that is lawful before God. Some criteria that should be considered before getting into any relationship are: spiritual, emotional and mental maturity. I will vividly elaborate on this point in subsequent paragraphs.

    Spiritual maturity is the most important criterion that should be considered before going into any relationship. As a youth, you have to first take a stand with God, develop yourself spiritually with the word of God. It may be too late when one waits until he or she is in a dating situation before deciding what is right or wrong or what one will or will not do. Unless one settles this matter in his heart, there will be little protection against temptation.

    If one does not know what God’s characteristics are for a balanced spiritual person, then one is not ready for dating. When you are single, you have all the time to study the word of God, which will give you the right and strong foundation and the strength needed to make any relationship a successful one.

    Emotional Development: Before getting into any relationship, one must be emotionally mature. The best relationship is the intra-personal relationship. Developing self intra-personal relationship has to do with loving every single bit of oneself, even without compliments from people. If you don’t love yourself, you cannot get to love someone else.

    Nobody needs someone without self care. The truth is, we cannot give what we don’t have .When we love ourselves, we get to love whoever with whom we go into relationship. If you feel you need to date in order to be complete or fulfilled personally, you are not ready for dating. You are ready to date only to the extent that you feel whole and complete within yourself, apart from any other person (God).

    When you regard dating as a matter of choice rather than necessity, you are ready. It is a matter of your ability to be happy and content whether you are with someone or not.

    On mental development, age does not qualify you to date, rather knowledge does. The key to any successful relationship is knowledge. Knowledge on relationship can be gotten by reading books, listening to messages on healthy relationship and getting to hear experiences from other good people. You are not ready to date until you are fully aware of the benefits and dangers of dating.

    In conclusion, my advice to the youth is to use single days to fulfill God’s purpose for our lives. That is, we should build a strong foundation for our future relationship and marriage.