I woke up feeling downbeat instead of being upbeat; you may ask, what is the reason for my soul being downcast? A Youth vigil will hold at my church tonight . That is the only place one can meet potential partners. The key word being ‘potential’, some of the men are an eyesore. The question is, am I a youth? The church considers me one because I am not married and still in my early thirties. The hall would be packed with these ‘twenty something’s’, thin as sticks and very noisy.
I begin to wonder when my lot will change. You cannot understand my predicament, unless I explain the last youth vigil I attended. I have a designated seat, let’s be honest with one another, I had my eye on one brother who is a stockbroker, drives a nice car, let’s just say good husband material, I guess he would be around 35 years of age and Six foot. That being said, with my ‘high heels’ we would be the same height.
He had always come on his own, so I had planned to move closer to him, unfortunately for me, he decided to come with his fiancée on this particular night. I did not know he was engaged with an imminent wedding. I lost all zeal to sing or dance, I was miserable and despondent. Can you imagine the irony of life? Someone also had his eye on me. As he came to sit near me, he announced his presence with an awful smell. The Yoruba adage ‘ ‘the he goat has arrived so also has the smell’ springs to mind. When he sang, he sang loud and off tune. I chose to ignore him. He kept looking at me and kept smiling, I wanted to tell him you are not my prince so sling your hook. He was scratching all through the night. I must say I was getting very irritated, when we were asked to hold hands with the person next to us, I took my bag and proceeded to the toilet.
On coming back he decided to take the bull by the horns, even whilst the service was on, he sent me a note asking me out on a date. When I read the note, I decided to look at him from the sole of his shoes to his head, the look was gradual, it made him uncomfortable. The look said it all, “how dare you? Any way it’s not your fault it’s just where I have found myself”.
So I tore out a small piece from my notebook and wrote back, I reminded him that the bible says we should not be ‘unequally yoked’ and his people can never be my people, the word never was underlined. When I was writing, I saw hope written all over him, when he read the note, although they say black people do not blush, I saw him blushing. He picked up his Bible and left the service.
I also felt like doing the same, tears welled up in my eyes, The clock was ticking, with all ‘my baff’ (clothes and accessories) nobody is looking my way. May be all is vanity. I decided this was a waste of time and I got up to go. Suddenly I heard my name and saw an old classmate. He was so excited to see me although I could not say the same. He had not been sure that it was me, as I looked so posh, I wanted to brush him away but when I looked at his wristwatch, I knew I had a chance. He asked me to wait while he went to pick his car, I saw the headlights of a metallic brown Toyota Venza pull up. Surely, ‘ this is the day the Lord has made and I will be glad in it’. Let’s just say I allowed him to drop me at home.
Tag: Diary of a woman
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Diary of a Noble Self Employed Naija Dame (21)
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Diary of A Noble Self Employed Naija Dame (20)
I woke up feeling very refreshed, the ‘Palaga/Opa eyin’ had worked wonders, I may also need to thank PHCN as well. 18 hours of Light, Praise Be to God. What a way to go. My opening balance has started to drop again.
I am in no position to host my friend for the duration of her stay. The pertinent issues is how to get rid of her. I feigned a trip to Abuja in actual fact I was going to Abule Egba, how would someone from America know the difference. After all they both started with the letters (AB) but she wanted to tag along, I informed her that the Air ticket was N78, 000.00 knowing fully well that she only brought $200 that will be a huge dent.
I packed my bags, whilst packing I kept on informing her that my deodorant, perfume and bottled water would be seized at the airport unless I support my goods withN200 handed over like a hand shake. We both laughed over the issue.
My friend was not packing o, she wanted to stay in flat whilst away, every food item in my flat is on a budget and I had nowhere to go for that number of days.. I coaxed her into going to her parent’s house, she should go and reap what she ha d sown. It seems that hey had not benefited from her being in America, all she came back with is a ‘somewhat’ American accent that is not worth a cent. I added salt to the injury by urging her to quickly pack so not to miss my flight.
We left the flat together, she was expecting a ‘Uber’ taxi but I Informed her that we were going for a ‘Keke Napep’. She looked nonplussed, it was either that or ‘Okada’. America my foot. With a heavy sigh of relief I picked up my rucksack at the gate and wished her a pleasant stay at her parents, good luck to bad rubbish, then it dawned on me I need not go anywhere, all I need to do was come up with some ingenuity after all I am a ‘Naija Babe’ I started frantically looking for my Passport in my rucksack, knowing fully well that I don’t have one (it is on my to-do-list).
I informed my friend that I had to dash back home as I had left My Identity card, I was not sure if she was aware that I did not have an International Passport, my brain was in overdrive and this clearly was a ‘battle of the mind’. I waved her goodbye and started running back to the flat. I was simply running from expenses, turning back I saw her get into a ‘Danfo’ she could not take a taxi, wonders they say never cease. I waved knowing that she had her back to me. If she speaks her supposedly ‘fone’ in the ‘Danfo’, she may not arrive home with her purse and phone. With a sigh of relief, I dropped my frantic pace, although sweating, I was relieved, I looked forward to going home and I remembered the film ‘Home Alone’, it made me grin. I was a very very happy Dame. -
Diary of A Noble Self Employed Naija Dame (19)
Let’s just say in my bid to punish my friend, I had also suffered also in the process; it makes you have an appreciation of the adage ‘the child that says his/her mother will not sleep, they too will not find sleep’. We both woke up sweating like pigs ready for the roast.
My head was pounding, and somehow I felt feverish. I could not tell if my fever was as a result of my state of mind or the malaria parasites were running free in my bloodstream. One thing I know for sure is that, I am not going to the clinic. Most clinics will bring out their fangs and milk you dry if you by any chance cross their threshold. A lot of them cannot afford running cost of their hospitals so patients are charged excessively.
In actual fact I want a herbal remedy, you the one they mix with alcohol but how can I ‘ the Noble Dame’ think of stooping so low, as to paying for ‘Palaga´ but they say it’s good for Malaria. The task on hand now is how to get it.
My friend took a cold bath and came to join me in the living room, she was hot and hungry. She wanted to know, what was for breakfast, I wanted to know her preference, she wanted ‘Akamu and akara’. I almost fell of my sit, after all these years in America, she did not even say ‘Pap’. I have not taken such stuff, since leaving home, I would never be caught taking ‘pap’ when there is custard, Weetabix, cornflakes. Let me let you into the cornflakes secret. You pour Nasco cornflakes into a ‘Kellogg’s’ box.
Anyway we both walked to the gate, in order to get the pap and ‘akara’. I had taken my flask too for the ‘palaga’, as our security men always attracted the women selling the stuff. No sooner had we walked like five minutes I spotted a woman selling ‘palaga. I did not want shout out loud, so I whistled to her, she turned round and I beckoned for her to meet me under a huge tree. I turned my back to the road, God forbid that some one sees me. I quickly brought out my flask and helped myself to two helpings. No sooner had I tried to help the woman put the load back on her head, some guy started staring at me, he passed and looked at me again. I was embarrassed but I thought I had saved myself N15k cela vie. It is what it is.
The queue for the akara was quite long, I got my friend to stand in the queue while I stood some distance away. We were directed to where we could get the pap.
As we got home, PHCN decided to give us light, which was a sving grace as I had no plans for the day. WE bought tugged into the AA (Akamu and Akara) nothing had tasted so good in a long time., I really enjoyed it, not that I will tell anyone of my escapade. The way my friend was eating the akara took me by surprise. It was obvious to me that although my friend has left Naija, Naija had not left her. All in all I must say it was a nice day, reminiscing the past. I leave my strategy for yet another day. -
Diary of a Noble Self Employed Naija Dame (17)
Today was a peculiar day, I wouldn’t know how to describe it, words fail me, however in this case, I must find the right words. We are told that amazement awaits us at every corner. A friend of mine came home from America after a ten year absence, and was going to stay with me for the ten days. Before she arrived I had an AC installed, not that the AC will work during her stay. My ‘I better pass my neighbour’ generator cannot power the AC, nor is there any chance of NEPA/PHCN/ECN ( I don’t even know what to call them) they had removed our transformer for the past six months, yet to be returned.
It’s not that I am keeping up appearances but I need to let her know that we are not doing badly in Nigeria. Let’s just say I spent a lot of money getting the place ready, I picked her up from the Airport, and we stopped to have KFC at Shoprite before heading home.
When we got home, she looked around , I think she was impressed, she then proceeded to bring out things she bought, when I saw her phone, I thought she was having a laugh, I soon realised it was the real thing. I told her the phone was a no-no, even the security guard would not be seen with that type of phone. Ten years away from Naija is not a good thing o. I soon realised that my Calvin Klein or Anne Klein watch was not going to manifest itself. Out of the blue she asked if I liked tea, I then brought the PG tips I had in the house. Apparently she wanted to surprise me; my people guess what happened next, she brought a box of PG tips and handed it to me as my gift after ten years absence, simply PG tea.
I quickly went into the kitchen and hid my Eva bottles and brought out the Pure Water Sachets, the Eva bottles would never be for her consumption. She then went on to lock her suitcase, I informed her nobody else lived in the house but she wanted to be safe.
‘Ahyayaya’ who is the thief here, she now brought out a velvet trouser suit, mama America brought out ‘Aposhe’. I went on to inform her that dogs will bark, and that velvet materials were used for furniture in Nigeria but she did not listen to my advice. I stylishly tried to show her my wardrobe, to give her a glimpse that we are not in the ‘Dark Ages.’
She wanted to borrow naira from me as she had not changed her money, have we not heard that type of story before. I quickly called Ahmed to bring Naira that was ‘Bureau de change’ at your finger tips. My friend brought out her $200 her total spend for two weeks, this includes travelling cost, parents, siblings, return taxi or probably okada to the airport.
I lent myself my brain, I was not going to spend more money on this friend, I began to ask myself, is this the same America that I read about, this was not the definition of the American dream o. Ten years, $200. I think I want to roughen it out in Naija, even if I am eating beans.
One thing I left with her is the ability to drink water from a sachet, tearing the sides at an angle and positioning the sachet in your mouth to avoid spills. It was a nice image. -
Diary of a Noble Self Employed Naija Dame (16)
TGIS, thank God it’s Sunday, this is a new coined phrase, and every fibre in my body had been looking forward to Sunday. Let’s face it, if you do not attend parties frequently, church on Sunday is ‘the place’; it offers the same benefit of letting go.
I do not always attend Sunday school, but I did today for some reason, the topic was Vanity upon Vanity, I was thanking God that vanity had never been and will never be my portion. Anyway church was so sweet, not that I can remember what the sermon was all about but praise and worship entered another realm. ‘O selenke’.
When the praise and worship started I was still posing, all of sudden they started the song ‘Oyibiribiri kan me O’ ( my turn for the Grace of God) I totally forgot where I was , I began to twerk, after a while I let loose of all decorum, the twerking became sensual. To tell you the truth you cannot conceal smoke, it always finds an escape point. The pious members of the church must have called me names. Let me call myself one before they do, I was Jezebel. Let’s face it, a Jezebel spirit lurks in each and every one of us, it releases itself when provoked, the drummer provoked mine. I beg, let’s leave that side for now.
I need to explain what happened next, I was not the only one feeling good, when the thirty minutes of praise and worship was about to finish, the congregation shouted for more, I was not sure whether I was at a concert or in church. We danced for one hour. Afterwards the pastor asked us to come to the altar so that he could bless us. He asked us to close our eyes.
It was at that moment, that I remembered my LV bag and my iphone. As I opened one eye, to see if all was well. I saw two young guys, looking at the direction of my bag and I knew they were together. ‘Lord have mercy’. It was at that same moment we were asked to kneel down. I knelt down but it was my back that I had to the altar o, with both eyes now open, i began to scan the environment.
As one of the guys was about to move, I quickly got up, dashed straight for my bag, unfortunately, I did not have the opportunity to go back to the altar but I know in my heart of hearts, that God understands, it would have been foolishness to have continued with the prayer at the expense of my bag being nicked.
Then it was time for offering, I thought that there was a correlation between ‘Praise and Worship’ and our offering, it was not the case in our church. As the offering basket was being passed round, with all that dancing and noise, I was of the impression people would be moved to give. You won’t believe this, all the people on my row passed the basket on without dropping anything. Had they come to church or come to a concert. I went home thinking mmm ‘Church’ or ‘Concert’? -
The Diary of a Noble Self Employed Naija Dame. (14)
On waking up, the thought of going back to the clients place, filled me with dread. On two counts my faux pas and the very cold environment. I got out my woollen socks, a thick chunky jacket and a beret. You would have thought, I was going to Siberia. You cannot blame me o. Where I live PHCN gives us light once every four weeks and the light is so dim you cannot even see your image in the mirror. We only use fans. I only get the comfort of ACs when I visit some friends. Let’s just say my body is not used to ACs.
I turned on the tap, ‘gbanz’ ,no water, here we go again, I needed a full wash. ‘Dry-cleaning’ would not suffice, I was so cold when I got home yesterday, that I slept with two jumpers on, I started shedding in the night, so I woke up sweaty. I have always told you we self employed people are very resourceful. I keep a bag of pure water hidden away in the store. I am an expert in tearing the edges of the sachet, within five minutes I had emptied twenty bags. Hastily I picked up the empty sachets and tied them in another empty carrier bag. God forbid that my house mates see me with pure water sachets. I am too ‘toosh’ for that.
Well I got to work at the same time. 7.30, let’s just say I only spent 15 minutes today, a vast improvement on yesterday, the central ac was already on so I took to wearing my socks, but hid my legs underneath the desk. Because I am contracted from nine to five I decided to go on line and check out some of the other things I had bought. I googled the price of a Louboutin shoe, what! $675! I had only paid N90, 000.00.
A chill came over me, I started shivering, at this stage I could not tell whether it was the ac or my discovery that I had bought a fake a Louboutin, I was filled with despair, the less glossy bright red sole was the first clue and thinking about it now, the shoddy workmanship. I had definitely cooked beans; I could not wait to get back home to check the shoes again.
Out came the chunky jacket, as I started shaking uncontrollably, I looked like someone who was visiting England for the first time in winter, you know, you can spot them a mile off at the airport. I thought of bringing out the beret as well but I held back.
Snoot was coming out my nose, my eyes were watery, I really wanted to sign myself out, to rush home and check my shoes, but I tried to hold on, after all I have go to remain the professional I am, as much as I tried to put the incident behind me it came crashing back into my thoughts.
Nobody came to speak to me all morning, Na wa for people o, not even good morning, two days on. However before lunch, someone came to ask me if I was cold, I felt it was obvious I nodded my head, well she went on to inform me that they deliberately put consultants under the blast of the ac, she would improve things for me tomorrow. I could only thank her. Can you imagine! We go into a company to improve things, but most employees want to continue with the status Quo. Anyway my headache is to get home and confirm my worst fear. The fake Christian Louboutin, my bad investment from limited resources.