I have always been intrigued by the fecundity of an average Nigerian’s mind. Every situation is an opportunity for creativity.
The elections may not have been the ideal that we all strive to attain, people may have died (unnecessarily because an election is not a war), giants may have been humbled and hobbled, wrong choices may have been made and relationships that took many years to build may have been shredded, yet many will agree that the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) put in so much to ensure a smooth exercise. It has been rough in some areas, not because INEC did not play its role, but the Nigerian factor threw in its usual intrigues.
By March 23, it will all be over – hopefully. And the battle will shift to the tribunals where the disputes will eventually be settled. What will not be in dispute is the hilarity of the situation, courtesy of our compatriots’ ability to see a window of humour in every situation, no matter how dark.
An NGO was campaigning that the electorate should vote wisely. “Some Nigerians went to their polling units looking for wisely on the ballot boxes,” a fellow said the other day. Another was wondering why the President reportedly lost in the polling units around the Villa. “Yes; that is very simple; corruption is fighting back. Who are the people living in this area? How have they been affected by Buhari’s policies and style of governance? These are the questions to ask,” said yet another fellow.
As the collation and announcement of results dragged on, somebody suggested that INEC should announce results for only the two leading parties – the All Progressives Congress (APC) and the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP). The others, he said, should buy scratch cards to check their results on the INEC website. INEC, being not that business inclined, did not consider the suggestion, let alone table it before the parties.
The social media was alive. When it was rumoured that former President Olusegun Obasanjo’s candidate Atiku Abubakar lost in the polling unit where the former president voted, he was said to have smiled and retorted churlishly: “Am I contesting; wetin be my own? If Atiku lose nko? Dat na im toro, naim sabi.”
It is heartwarming to know that PDP Chairman Uche Secondus has been at the vanguard of the battle to reclaim what he and his candidate believe is their stolen mandate, marching on INEC and threatening to go to court. Some morbid analysts had suggested that Secondus should fulfil his promise to die should Atiku lose the election. They suggested that if Secondus could summon the courage to commit hara-kiri, the PDP secretariat should be named after him as a mark of honour for a man who sacrificed it all for a noble party. But when will the PDP complete the building of the edifice?
That, to me is unfair. Should Secondus be asked to fall on his sword just because Atiku lost? How about the other godfathers, those who swore – and worked as if it was their final assignment here – that Buhari will go? Obasanjo was speculated to have left Nigeria for good after Buhari won the election. I am happy to report that the former president is back, rambunctious as ever. He has threatened to continue to lash Buhari. He will surely be angry enough to.
Buhari has promised to find out what happened to the $16b that allegedly went down the drain in our desperate search for electricity during the Obasanjo Presidency. Just before the probe, may I report that Obasanjo once said whoever was looking for the cash should go to the ports where the equipment imported for the projects were lying abandoned. He was later to admit that about $6.5b went into the project. But will Buhari stop asking: “Where is the power?”
When the Ibadan spiritualist, the self-styled “perfect living master” advised Atiku not to contest his loss in court, lawyers were up in arms against him. They grumbled that when soothsayers, necromancers and futurists descended on the Atiku Project, no lawyer complained. Now, said the learned men, when it is their turn to do business with the PDP and its candidate, he is being advised to smoke the peace pipe with Buhari. One lawyer, I learnt, was already compiling papers to sue on behalf of his fellow SANs for an express enforcement of their fundamental rights to encourage their client to launch a legal battle. Thankfully, there will be no such dispute anymore. Atiku has assembled a team of lawyers who have been working to ensure that he retrieves his “mandate”.
Talking about Atiku’s mandate, a cheeky colleague sent me what was obviously a mischievous cartoon the other day. There is an Atiku effigy watching with deep interest a woman’s heavy back side. The woman is wearing a tight pair of jeans trousers, with the buttocks threatening to burst out of the enclosure into which they have been forced. The caption: “Ah! I have found where APC and Buhari have hidden my mandate.” Thankfully, our women’s rights activists did not notice the drawing; we would have been battling to quench the fire and fury of women who will be demanding apologies from all those sharing the offensive drawing on the social media. They would have been asking: “Is a woman’s backside now the vault for a stolen mandate?”
There is also the picture of Governors Rochas Okorocha (Imo) and Ibikunle Amosun (Ogun), dejected, rejected and depressed. Sober. The caption: “See the demigods of yesterday.” Amosun’s trade mark long cap is also pictured lying on a table with the caption: “Here lies a monument to self-conceit and the Samson’s Syndrome.” Apparently, the writer was referring to His Excellency’s failed battle to install a successor of his choice. APC’s Dapo Abiodun won the election.
Okorocha has been through hell in a bid to make his in-law Uche Nwosu succeed him. APC Chairman Adams Oshiomhole accused him of erecting a monarchy. Many of his close allies felt the idea of his in-law mounting the saddle after him was nauseating; they jumped ship. His Excellency joined the senatorial race. The speculation was that the electorate punished him by voting for his opponents.
Suddenly, the ballot was shoved aside for the bullet – so goes the story – and the Returning Officer announced Okorocha as winner. INEC kicked. It refused to recognise His Excellency’s dramatic victory. The Returning Officer said he announced Okorocha winner under duress. Nwosu is crying like a baby whose new toy has been grabbed by an unconscionable elderly man. He said he was robbed in the governorship race. PDP’s Emeka Ihedioha has been basking in the euphoria of his victory at the polls.
Okorocha had been quiet since he was stripped of the trophy. He recovered from the hangover of the INEC shocker yesterday to tell the electoral umpire that it has no power to hold on to his certificate of return. Some of his kinsmen, who would not understand the sobriety of the situation, stormed Owerri, the state capital, and maliciously pulled down one of those statues for which the city has been famous. “No more Okorocha’s erection,” they were screaming.
In Cross River, Prof. Ben Ayade has been celebrating his victory. He has promised that by the time he will be leaving office, the state will be competing with Lagos. That is the spirit.
Talking about celebration, a colleague yesterday sent me a video of some young women cat walking into an expansive sitting room. They all look like beauty pageant participants getting set for a parade – rotund buttocks in bum shorts, short skirts, big eyeglasses, eye shadows, eyelashes and high heels. They are obviously excited as they wave “hi” to some boys in the room. The caption: “See heavy materials. They have just arrived government house for His Excellency’s victory party.” The scene – somewhere in the Niger Delta. The guests – likely flown in from South Africa, going by those unmistakable hips, according to a colleague who would rather argue about the identities of the governor’s guests. No need to guess.
Viva democracy.
…And the Word of the Week
SUPPLEMENTARY elections will be held on March 23 to determine who should get the prize in the governorship elections in six states where the polls have been declared “inconclusive”. For the exercise are Adamawa, Bauchi, Kano, Plateau, Sokoto and Benue. Interesting.
Some are blaming it on the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC). That isn’t fair. INEC did not ask politicians to organise thugs who snatched ballot boxes and disrupted the process. Results were either shredded or mutilated, not by INEC, but by unscrupulous politicians and their agents. Ad hoc staff were abducted — by INEC? Of course, no.
Now, the most popular word in town is “inconclusive”. It has become a subject of jokes everywhere. Cartoonists are not left out. I saw one on Tuesday in a newspaper. A man relaxing on a chair asks his son about his report sheet. He presents it and the man goes through. He discovers that mathematics is omitted and asks the son why the subject is not listed. The youngster replies: “The teacher has declared the exam inconclusive.”