The Nation Newspaper

Tag: Friends

  • How can I maintain my long-distance relationship?

    Dear Aunty Deola, I have enjoyed reading your column for a long time now, but it has not addressed my own

    personal problem. I just met a wonderful man on a recent trip abroad. I’m a top executive where I work and he is always doing well in the country he lives. I have gone to see him twice and he has come to see me once, but the distance is making both of us uncomfortable. What do you think we can do to maintain this relationship so it can last? – Sandra.

    Dear Sandra, I can tell you that it is difficult when you love somebody and you can’t see him immediately you want to. It’s even difficult on cold nights and days when you wish you could go to the cinemas together. It’s always a lot expensive making all those trips to see each other. Thankfully in your own case, you seem to be comfortable enough to afford frequent trips. As they say, dating is hard and doing it across state lines is harder! Follow these rules to keep it together even when you’re apart.

    Agree on your commitment level

    Couples in long-distance relationships know they’re taking a risk, not to mention making a few sacrifices. But if you see a real future for the two of you, the sacrifices won’t seem to matter. Still, before you get involved in a long-distance relationship, there are a few things you have to establish. Are you exclusive or are you seeing other people? Don’t assume that it’s one or the other if you’ve never discussed it, especially if you’re looking to keep things one-on-one. “With long-distance relationships, you need to have a detailed, intimate conversation, including whether the connection is monogamous or open,” says Tonya Reiman, author of The Body Language of Dating: Read His Signals, Send Your Own, and Get the Guy. “Confirming the level of commitment will help to avoid unnecessary jealousy issues and fights.” If you think this is the one, get ready for some hard, but hopefully rewarding, work. “The amount of time couples are able to maintain a long-distance relationship really depends upon how they nurture it,” says Reiman.

    Don’t keep secrets

    Honesty is paramount to any relationship, but especially one that’s maintained from different cities, states, even countries. It’s crucial to be forthcoming — especially about your own insecurities. As a matter of fact, revealing what makes you anxious can lead to improvements in the relationship, as well as a greater level of sensitivity from your partner. “Call when you get home from a night out, and tell your significant other, ‘I really wish you were here,’” adds Caroline Tiger, author of The Long-Distance Relationship Guide. Avoid constantly talking about one person your faraway mate may see as a romantic threat. “And don’t kid yourself,” says Tiger. “Spending all of your time with one person can easily lead to temptation, so make sure you hang out with lots of people.”

    Surprise each other

    Routine is actually a good thing when it comes to long-distance relationships. You can look forward to your next conversation or visit because you know exactly when it’s going to happen. But every now and then, step up the romance a bit. That means calling unexpectedly and “upping the physical anticipation with [phone] sex and saucy email banter,” says Tiger. But don’t invest your money in flowers: “Surprise visits are the best gifts you can give.”

    Maintain your sex life

    Just because you don’t sleep in the same bed every night, doesn’t mean your relationship between visits has to consist of dry spell after dry spell. On the contrary, says sex expert Ian Kerner, Ph.D., contributor to GoodinBed.com, “Our brains are our biggest sex organ.” So use the distance to your advantage by stimulating each other mentally and therefore sexually. “Learn how to talk (and text) dirty,” suggests Tiger. “It doesn’t have to be overt — just enough to make each other wonder if you’re fully clothed.”

    Plan frequent visits

    Reiman recommends that long-distance daters see each other in the flesh at least one weekend a month. You know the excitement of being asked out on a second date while you’re still on the first one? Do the same here. Never finish a visit without planning the next trip. But, says Reiman, “If you can’t physically see each other as much as you would like, virtual dates can work wonders.” Skype, anyone?

    Send cards and gifts

    Texts, Facebook, Tweets — all of the electronic communication options at our disposal have made long-distance dating much easier, that’s for certain. But how did couples do it in the pre-email days? Introducing… the pen and paper! (Remember them?) “The major thing missing during a long-distance relationship is physical proximity to your partner,” explains Tiger. “Snail mail, while no substitute, brings you that much closer to your sweetheart, because you’re touching the paper he touched and reading the lines he wrote by hand.” How’s that for a romantic thought? And she even takes it a step farther: “This is why spritzing the paper — very lightly! — with your perfume or cologne is a nice touch, even if it’s a little cheesy.”

    Trust each other

    “Commitment is a statement of intention. If you know your partner well, and a regular routine is kept, issues of trust will not rear their ugly heads,” explains Reiman. That said, trust also means giving one another the benefit of the doubt. If your guy says he’ll call you after work around 6 p.m., but the phone doesn’t ring until 7 p.m., assume he was pulled into a meeting with his boss, not having drinks with that hot girl in accounting. Just because your imagination can have the tendency to run wild, doesn’t mean you should let it.

    Set an end goal

    How long is too long to be in a long-distance relationship? Well, that depends on you, your guy and your respective situations, but at some point you’ll need to live in the same city. (You may even expect to have a ring on your finger!) “There needs to be a light at the end of the tunnel, a time when you’ll be in the same place, or at least the understanding that one of you will have to move at some point,” says Tiger. “If you’re in a new relationship, this might be too intense a topic to broach for a while, but you can still talk about the fact that you’ll need to talk about it [eventually].” She suggests setting a deadline. For example, agree that after three months you’ll have a “state of the union” conversation. After all, if you’re both in it for the long haul, these are decisions you’ll want to make sooner rather than later. That way you’ll know the relationship is — or isn’t — right for you.

  • Beware of people who pretend to be your friend

    Beware of people who pretend to be your friend

    Some people have accused Bradley Manning and Edward Snowden of being traitors. But this obscures a deeper and more important question. If the government of the United States is engaged in endless acts of lawless violence, as the documentary evidence clearly demonstrates, (See Fred Branfman, ‘World’s Most Evil and Lawless Institution? The Executive Branch of the U.S. Government’: http://www.alternet.org/investigations/executive-branch-evil-and-lawless) then it is not Manning and Snowden who are the traitors for providing evidence of this violence and the surveillance necessary to carry it out.

    The real traitors are all of those other employees of intelligence agencies who say nothing while they collaborate with the endless and often secret perpetration of violence by the U.S. government and its allied governments in our name.

    Why does this matter? It matters because it tells us that thousands of individuals are willing to collaborate, without the intervention of analytical thought, compassionate feeling or conscience, with the use of violence. And that bodes ill for our society.

    Collaborators and traitors take many forms: they are prevalent in warfare but common in ‘ordinary’ society as well, and labels such as ‘scab labourer’ are used to describe them. Most frequently, they are those relatives and friends who ‘stab you in the back’. Why do so many people collaborate with perpetrators of violence? An understanding of their psychological profile will tell us this.

    First, collaborators are terrified and they are particularly terrified of those individuals (usually one or both parents or other significant adults) who perpetrated violence against them when they were a child although this terror and, remarkably, the identity of their perpetrator(s) remain unconscious to them. Second, because they are terrified, they are unable to defend themselves against the original perpetrator(s) but also, as a result, they are unable to defend themselves against other perpetrators who attack them later in life.

    This lack of capacity to defend them leads to a third feeling – a deep sense of powerlessness. Thus, terrified, defenseless and powerless, some victims will try to placate the perpetrator. Victims who resort to placation, the fourth attribute of collaborators, will invariably fear those individuals who resist the perpetrator’s violence simply because resistance ‘violates’ their powerless ‘strategy’ of placation.

    The strategy of placation is also attractive to collaborators because they have a warped sense of empathy and sympathy, the fifth attribute. They will have empathy and sympathy for the perpetrators of violence, rather than the perpetrator’s victims, as an outcome of how they were emotionally damaged as a child.

    Having unconsciously ‘chosen’ collaboration and betrayal as a means of ‘defending’ themselves against personal victimisation, the collaborator will now acquire a deep sense of self-hatred (precisely because they cannot defend themselves and now betray others) which, in turn, will
    negate any remaining sense of personal self-worth.

    However, it is too terrifying and painful for the collaborator/traitor to be conscious of any of these feelings, so they will usually exhibit an eighth attribute if challenged: self-righteous justification for their collaboration/betrayal often expressed in either ideological/religious
    terms or as sympathy for the perpetrator.

    One version of this occurs when collaborators justify their collaboration with perpetrators of violence in terms of a supposed ‘obligation to obey’, although they might not use this precise language: many collaborators will characterise their obedience as ‘loyalty’, ‘support’ or ‘helpfulness’ in order to mask from themselves the fear that drives their submissive
    behaviour. For collaborators, the importance of obedience also far outweighs any sense of personal moral choice. If you are scared to resist violence, then you must make a virtue out of submission and obedience.

    Collaborators/traitors invariably exhibit a ninth attribute: they unconsciously project their fear and self-hatred, as outcomes of their own victimhood, as fear of and hatred for the perpetrator’s victims.

    Finally, as a result of all of the above, the collaborator will exhibit a tenth attribute: the delusion that they are ‘in control’; that is, they are no longer (and never were) the victim of violence themselves. Tragically, of course, this delusion is a trap: an individual is never safe in the role of collaborator. The perpetrator might turn on them at any time.

    Collaborators and traitors learn their ‘craft’ during childhood. Most usually it will originate when a parent terrorizes the child (by threatening and/or inflicting violence) into collaborating with this parent against the other parent and/or the child’s siblings. Sometimes it
    originates when a teacher terrorizes the child into collaborating with the teacher against the child’s fellow students, perhaps to find out who was responsible for some minor ‘wrongdoing’.

    The collaborator will perform this role throughout their life as they now unconsciously recognise and identify with those who are most violent, including state authorities that inflict ‘legitimised’ violence on those individuals perceived as ‘enemies’ or ‘criminals’.

    If you wish to publicly identify yourself as someone who will not collaborate with violence, you are welcome to sign online ‘The People’s Charter to Create a Nonviolent World’ http://thepeoplesnonviolencecharter.wordpress.com

    Robert has a lifetime commitment to understanding and ending human violence. He has done extensive research since 1966 in an effort to understand why human beings are violent and has been a nonviolent activist since 1981. He is the author of ‘Why Violence?’ http://tinyurl.com/whyviolence.  He can be reached via:  flametree@riseup.net  or visit website: http://robertjburrowes.wordpress.com

  • Osun: Workers know their true friends

    Osun: Workers know their true friends

    After pillaging Osun State for nearly four years of its illegal occupation, the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) is eyeing the 2014 poll with a view to returning to power to continue the preying business. The party can’t ask for votes based on merit since while in office it posted no good performance to rest on. Nor has it, while in opposition to the Action Congress of Nigeria government of Ogbeni Rauf Aregbesola, offered laudable shadow governance to win the sympathy of the citizenry.

    In that case, as it is with all those bereft of honour and achievement as an article of service to the people, the party must resort to the rough and tumble of politics. That is what we are witnessing in the State of Osun. Otherwise why would a state known for its eminent labour relations suddenly start simmering with calls for a strike by workers?

    To be sure, this is against the run of play as they say it in football, when suddenly the team confined to its own half of the field by the unceasing onslaught of its better opponents, scores a goal through an official sleight of the hand, as it were, protests and boos rather than applause follow such a goal.

    A labour crisis in the form of a strike by civil servants is not what Osun needs at the moment. What the state needs at the moment is to build on the steady job creation process opened up by O’ YES programme, the massive construction projects state-wide, urban and rural transformation, recruitment of teachers to match the new vision of education reform and a host of socio-industrial concepts Aregbesola and his team are churning out.

    Very early in the administration, the government found out that the greatest challenge facing the state was the dearth of jobs, a situation that plunged the state into depression and crime. The government intervened with the creation, within the first 100 days of its advent, of a whopping 20,000 jobs. It had never happened before in Africa!

    Overnight an economy that was in shambles in the preceding era of the PDP government had been reflated. Young men and women had jobs. They also recreated jobs because they had increased purchasing power that got artisans and retail traders back to their enterprises. They also made small savings that they used to set up small businesses. The government policy had a rapid impact that made the citizens to ask: where was Aregbesola all along in the years of locust that fell upon us under PDP?

    Such approbation wasn’t coming from the local scene only. It is on record that the conservative but revered World Bank also noticed what was going on in the state of Osun. It asked to understudy the execution of the job-creation policy and promptly recommended it as a model of youth engagement and mass employment for other states.

    So obviously it is impossible to have a citizenry and a labour class that have benefited immensely from government policies to turn against that same government using a so-called freedom of right to declare an industrial dispute. It isn’t in their interest to do so given the fact that they passed through bitter times in the hands of the previous anti-people government of the PDP.

    It is clear then that a small suborned clique of the labour unions has played into the hand of the political class who wants to create chaos ahead of next year’s governorship ballot. We discern this from the disarray the aborted warning strike threw the workers into. The national leadership of Joint Public Service Negotiation Council (JPSNC) has dismissed the stand of Nigeria Labour Congress (NLC) Trade Union Congress (TUC) and Osun JPSNC, saying they had no right to call on workers in the state to go on a strike.

    National secretary of JPSNC Omokhuade Marcus says NLC, TUC and JPSNC have no constitutional right to order an industrial action over wage agitation. He declared: ‘The NLC, TUC and JNC have no members. The members belong to the union. So calling a workers assembly for a strike is not known to law. They do not even have the right to call workers for that assembly. Only the leadership of the respective unions has the power of attorney to mobilize their workers to attend that gathering.’

    No wonder the strike call failed! The law of the land does not support it!

    But the biggest armament against the strike is the mammoth accomplishments of the Aregbesola government. He has secured irreversible gains as the foundation upon which even more attainments will be established in the years to come. The crisis the PDP is attempting to foment through a labour unrest will remain ineffectual in the face of the government’s achievements on the ground.

    Just as PDP’s attempted exploitation of religion and publication of stolen documents failed to move the public against the government of Aregbesola, so would the antics of the party to venalize workers come to a shipwreck, because the masses know who their true friends are.

    It follows also that they know who their enemies are.

     

    • Odunmade writes from Inisha, Osun State

  • Jennifer Atiku dumps friends

    Jennifer Atiku dumps friends

    JENNIFER Atiku, wife of the former vice-president, Atiku Abubakar, is not a happy woman at the moment. She has been in a bitter mood for some time now. The reason is not unconnected with the fact that her trusted friends have been spreading malicious information about her.

    Informed sources said that Jennifer has vowed to sever her ties with most of her friends. Meanwhile, the Anambra State-born former journalist has been out of circulation since the exit of her husband from politics. While some sources say she shuttles between United Arab Emirates and Nigeria, others say she co-runs ABTI, now American University of Nigeria, with her husband.

    Jennifer had been in the news for the wrong reasons over alleged money laundering cases in the United States before she was out of circulation.

  • Friends, associates celebrate ACN man Banire

    Friends, associates celebrate ACN man Banire

    There were mini billboards with his picture at various strategic locations across his political base.

    Many passers-by and commuters, who at Fadeyi, Mushin, Onipanu, Ilupeju, some parts of Ikeja and environs thought a political rally was in the offing.

    “This is not an election year,” said a cab driver.

    “What do you mean?” this reporter inquired.

    “My brother, it’s because of this man’s (Banire’s) picture everywhere. Is it that he wants to launch his governorship campaign? Though 2015 is still far but politicians have their ways of doing things. To be sincere with you, he (Banire) has the wherewithal to succeed Governor (Babatunde) Fashola. He has delivered on various portfolios he has held so far, which kept his successors on their toes to meet his achievements.”

    He later saw the billboards were congratulating the former University of Lagos lecturer on his birthday.

    As it was on the Agege Motor Road where the cab man spoke with this reporter, so was it at the Oduduwa GRA residence of the National Legal Adviser of the Action Congress of Nigeria (ACN), Dr Muiz Adeyemi Banire, penultimate Saturday.

    The quiet atmosphere turned rowdy as Banire’s political associates and childhood friends stormed his residence as early as 8am.

    Notable personalities were on ground to felicitate with the former Commissioner for the Environment on his 46th birthday.

    Outside the gate, officials of the Lagos State Traffic Management Agency (LASTMA), created during the celebrator’s tenure as the helmsman of the Ministry of Transportation, were on hand to ensure the free flow of traffic.

    To some of them, it was payback time.

    Though Banire was in Dublin for the International Bar Association’s Annual Conference, his pretty wife, Jemeelat Olufunmilayo, ensured his absence was not felt.

    Mrs Banire, the founder, Rhesus Solution Initiative (RSI), was everywhere.

    People watched in admiration as the frontline businesswoman bantered with her husband’s associates.

    The Masters in Business Administration holder received accolades from the guests for her gesture.

    “Mrs Banire has today displayed the rare qualities it takes to be our friend’s wife,” Banire’s childhood friend, Hon Musibau Oyefeso enthused.

    “I doubt if our own Muiz could do better than this if he were to be at home. He is blessed with a beautiful and hardworking woman. Being a successful businesswoman, she ensures the home did not suffer while her husband served Lagos State in various capacity,” Oyefeso, a former Lagos State Independent Electoral Commissioner, stated.

    The celebrator’s mother, Alhaja Sarat Abiola Banire, joined the gathering before the clerics concluded the prayer session.

    The septuagenarian was aided by Banire’s elder sister Ms Raimot Banire.

    The low-key celebration began with the recitation of the Quran. The clerics were led by the Ansar-Ud-Deen Society of Nigeria, Ilasamaja Branch Missioner, Alhaji Tajudeen Salis.

    Interestingly, some of the guests including the former Special Adviser to the former Governor of Lagos on Transportation, Hon Abdur Sobur Olawale Olayiwola; Oyefeso; Chairman, Mosan-Okunola Local Council Development Area, Hon Abiodun Mafe, his Agege counterpart Alhaji Jubreel AbdulKareem and Secretary to Mushin Local Government Yahya Ismail took part in reading of the Quran.

    After the recitations, random selection was made to offer prayers for the celebrator. It started with his aged mother and wife. Some of the guests were also called to pray.

    Light refreshment was distributed to the guests in a packed nylon.

    The Nation spoke with a few of the guests among whom were Commissioner for Information and Strategy Hon Lateef Ibirogba, his Education counterpart Mrs Olayinka Oladunjoye; Member, Lagos State House of Assembly Hon Bolaji Yusuf Ayinla; Hon Mafe and Mrs Banire.

    Mrs Oladunjoye described the celebrator as “amiable, compassionate, hardworking, trustworthy, dependable and a handsome man.”

    The Commissioner for Education wished him long life and prosperity and all the good wishes he wished himself.

    Hon Ibirogba said Banire is a man always interested in the progress of everybody.

    “He is a man who believes that everybody must progress and he never sees any obstacle stopping any man from attaining what God has for him. He’s so humble and doesn’t allow his position to get into his head; all he is interested in is the upliftment of people. Such a man will always have a future. My wish for him is, at 100 years, we all should still be alive to celebrate him in good health,” Ibirogba said.

    Mafe described Banire as articulate, considerate, a thorough leader who always sought for the welfare of all members.

    According to the Mosan-Okunola council boss, the celebrator believes in justice, fair play and justice.

    He wished him many more fruitful years.

    Hon Ayinla said Banire has made Mushin people proud with his sterling performance in office.

    The lawmaker representing Mushin Constituency said if he (Banire) is made the Governor of Lagos State today, he is going to perform excellently well.

    “He is God fearing, honest and sincere. His behaviours are worth emulating. I wish him long life and prosperity,” he said.

    Mrs Banire thanked the guests for turning out en mass, saying the family never expected such crowd, considering that the celebration was not a landmark one.

    “More so, he’s not around. I was highly overwhelmed when I saw the turn out, I cannot thank them enough,” she said.

    She described her husband as a humble and God-fearing person.

    Mrs Banire said: “He is loving and caring to his children and, sometimes, his children prefer him to me. He doesn’t allow his children to lack anything concerning education and he does the same for other children. He is so passionate about children that he can spend his last penny or even go borrowing to make sure the children are okay. I wish him success in life not just because he’s my husband, but because he reaches out to the poor.