The Nation Newspaper

Tag: grief

  • Benue killings: Grief and tears in myth

    SIR: Like Queen Niobe and the legendary Electra in Greek mythologies, the pains and grief of watching his subjects helplessly being massacred so hardened Benue State governor, Samuel Ortom’s resolve to damn whatever consequences even at the expense of being governor or loosing political party patronage. He cried out loudly to expose the injustice being visited on the innocent citizens through the war of genocide by a group that appeared to have the backing of some conspiratorial patrons. And instead of maintaining studied silence of helplessness or bias, some power brokers and attention seekers chose to add to the existing grief by making hate speeches to add salt to injury.

    For instance, to suggest that the killings in Benue State are as a result of communal clash or because of the enactment of anti – open grazing law appears to be gross insincerity and a hate speech.  For one to suggest that the killings are justified because of blockade of grazing routes smacks of complete ignorance, and it also amounts to hate speech.

    Meanwhile the killings continued unabated and so also are the stream of grief and tears in the land.  The massive deployment of police force and the relocation of the Inspector General of Police (IGP), Ibrahim Idris to Benue State which the president graciously ordered became a hide and seek exercise and did nothing much to assuage the tension.  Many people wondered and even cried out for deployment of the core military to crush the invaders as had been done elsewhere with ‘Operation Python Dance’ and others but the commander- in – chief who himself is a war veteran had the ace.

    He had great confidence in the ability and capacity of the police to perform.  Thus when the president wrote a letter to the Senate enumerating the steps he had taken to quell the crisis, ordering the relocation of IGP and the visit of the Minister of Interior to Benue State were listed as part of his efforts to tackle the menace.

    Despite all that, the killings continued and even spread further.  Citizens became completely disenchanted and called for more serious actions from the federal government. Those who criticized the poor handling of the situation by the federal government were branded as making hate speeches.  Those who commended or justified the killings and condemned Benue State government for enacting the anti-open grazing law were branded patriots and pampered with a studied golden silence. When the body language of officialdom suggested bias or tacit support for the agent provocateur, some poodles misread the horizon and played along.  So instead of making statements that should help to douse the tension, they justified the killings through hate speeches including verbal insults by describing the embattled governor as ‘a drowning man’, feeling that such was the officially recognized position.

    Thus despite the massive massacres going on, a chief executive of a state would describe it as a political game to beg for money. Ordinarily such would have been described as the worst of all hate speeches but it was greeted with loud silence as a mark of acquiescence.  So the orgy of killings continued with its attendant grief and tears among the hapless natives.

    However, during a recent visit to Nassarawa State, the president came down heavily on the perpetrators of the senseless killings and threatened to have them arrested.  He followed by directing the deployment a special military squad known as operation ‘Ayem A Kpatuma’ or ‘Cat Race’ to all the troubled areas in Benue and other states within the North Central Zone. With these presidential initiatives, it is hoped that the bloodbath in the Benue valley will subside and life return to normalcy again, and the citizens saved the reality and trauma of the mythological grief and tears.

     

    • Professor Jerry Agada,

    Makurdi.

  • Dealing with death, grief and bereavement (II)

    Last week, we discussed how to deal with loss of a loved one: be it family member or a friend. Ironically, the work of a medical doctor extends beyond caring for the living.  In this present article, let us consider you. We will consider how you can deal with and prepare for your own death. Stop deceiving yourself: death is inevitable. The best approach is to prepare for it without getting anxious.

    Preparing for death, ironically starts far from before you were ever conceived at a time when your parents had not even met.  This is so because what a person is today, some of the illness he or she suffers from predates his birth. Such genetic/inheritable illnesses that may bring premature death had been in existent in the potential parents before they even met to conceive you, the reader of this article. Some illnesses that cut life short, happen at the time of conception or during pregnancy, childbirth (like birth asphyxia) or during early childhood. Yet, some illnesses like allergy due to pollution are acquired as we grow. Also some diseases such as sexually transmitted diseases happen to us as we interact with others. Other infirmities such as obesity and hypertension are brought upon us by our own acts by the way we have lived our lives.  Thus, you are in some ways, responsible for your own death and the diseases that brought the death upon you, sooner or later.

    Thus, the very essence of the numerous healthcare articles that I have written on these pages are meant to help us prevent death and to prolong life. In spite of these, death is certain.

    Get Your House in Order

    Death will, ultimately, come and it does so when a key part (such as brain, heart, kidney and so forth) of a human being breaks down beyond certain limit, irretrievably. Recall that human being is simply, like computer, an assembly of different organs that when joined together, they form a functioning unit. Such individual organs cannot stand alone nor function alone.  Some people are so afraid of death, so much that they become hostage to death. They develop anxiety, suffer from panic or fear, and avoid funerals because of phobia for death.  They are gripped with trepidation at the thought of and at the mention of death. Some even get depressed upon reflection on death following the demise of others.

    How Then Do You Prepare For Death?

    • Have the psychological mind-set that someday at unknown place and at an unpredictable time, life will end.
    • Have the belief that death is unavoidable debt that you must pay.
    • At any given time, ensure you have a written will and testament in place as to how your materials or estate, will be distributed. The will and testament will set out how your legacy will be protected after you have left the earth.
    • If we have the grace of living into old age, prepare your children and family on how to handle things after you as well as to how to handle your demise. You may also do the preparation as you go on in life notwithstanding growing into old age or not. This approach lessens the pain on your loved ones.
    1. Our various cultures and religious doctrines help us alleviate the effect and thought of death. In some cases, a shared belief in going to a rosy, better-than-earth place following death may cushion the trauma of death.
    • A conscious believe that you have lived a good life or at least that you have tried your very best whilst being alive may also lessen the pain of future death.
    • You may also give specific instruction in your will, as to what to do with your body. Such instructions may be that your body should be subjected to autopsy in case of suspicious death (see earlier articles on coroner death). Further instruction may be as to where you should be buried and who may or may not attend your funeral.

    That said, the object of these write-ups is to postpone death though eventually, the inevitable will happen. Heeding sound advice on nutrition, living in healthy environment free from pollution, being careful to avoid infections, accidents, doing regular medical check-ups, engaging in structured exercises and maintaining good mental health with good sleep will  help us prolong our lives.  On the other hand, avoiding the certainty of end-of-life without adequate preparation ahead is a recipe for disaster as well as leaving a legacy of grief for the living that are left behind.

    If all that I have written does not work for you and you are afraid of the future, you may require some assistance. In that case, kindly endeavour to see a competent counsellor or a medical doctor in this regard.

  • Dealing with death, grief and bereavement (1)

    Dealing with death, grief and bereavement (1)

    There are some events that are certain to happen to us all, regardless of our social status, financial might, political or professional positions or place of birth. Those events have no regard for gender, age, colour of the skin or geographical location. Anyone who is born is surely going to die with very rare Scriptural exceptions. In most cases, birth of a person, brings joy to the family.  Death which is cessation of life or which may also be defined as being cut-off from continuing, on the other hand, will bring sadness or grief and sense of loss that comes with it (bereavement).

    Death will come to every one of us and we will experience the loss of loved ones, relatives or friends at some point in our lives. In the end, each of us will also die.

    Being born and dying or experiencing death are two opposite life events: however, one is a continuation of the other.  In this article, I will be dealing with death and the trail of illnesses that death afflicts on those that are left behind to live on.  My agenda in this article is to help us deal with aftermath of death and indeed to help us prepare for death. In the next article, we will discuss how to deal with your own death.

    The way each of us handles our losses are different and our differences are also influenced by how we were brought up, our culture, and our religious beliefs about life and death as well as our personal experiences in life.  Some persons fear dying while others are not. Some may also be apprehensive about likelihood of losing a friend or a member of family.

    Some individuals may be stoic and unmoved about death while other persons may be severely affected to the point of developing anxiety, depression, loneliness and frank mental illness of psychosis. Yet, there may be complex material issues that the deceased had left behind unresolved or promises that he or she may had made that by now will disappear into the vacuum. All these may converge to result into serious clinical matters.

    Also, in our culture, while the death of an elderly is often sometimes expected and celebrated for “a life well lived”, the passing of a younger individual brings with it sadness and intense bereavement. Regardless of age therefore, the loss of loved ones—young or old, always bring sadness.

    Consequences of Prolonged Grieving

    No matter how much a person grieves, it will not bring back the dead. In the extreme, the grieving person may suffer a depressive illness or other physical health deterioration. However, it’s better to treasure the memory of the dead and not the pain of the loss.

    For most people, grieving for a person who died would be short-timed and reasonable, considering the pull to satisfy the daily needs of life that may be staring at us in the face.  Life must continue. We may therefore not be able to stay away from productive activities for long. Clinically, doctors expect bereaved persons to grieve for about two weeks. Depending on the culture and religion, this phase of grieving can also last up to forty days, less or more.  Active or subliminal grieving that goes to three months and beyond is surely a sign that a disease state of depression had set in.  Such individuals may appear unkempt, losing his or her allure, appearing to suffer from low energy, uninterested in life activities, unable to sleep, suffering from poor appetite, concentration may be poor and can appear to have memory loss. He or she may be appearing sad and failing in academic or productive economic work.  The bereaved may become easily irritable and or short temper. The personality may change totally.  Physically, the individual may lose weight or over eat with resulting weight gain.  Self-isolation and sense of loneliness could prevail on the person or persons concerned. Children can withdraw into his or her own world in self-isolation. While to the outside world, the depressed person appears unwell, such individual may be in denial of the obvious.

    Should these unfortunate clinical situations occur, a speedy visit to a qualified medical doctor for assessment is called for before further deterioration occurs.

  • Mutiu Sunmonu parts way with grief

    While it is true that time heals wounds, the time the wound takes to heal could be long and painful. It is the same way the loss of a loved one brings in an acute feeling of emptiness as Mutiu Sunmonu, the chairman of the construction giants, Julius Berger, would tell you.

    Sunmonu had sunk into a whirlpool of depression after death snatched Funke, the love of his life. Anyone who had known the once bubbly dude would be amazed at his pensive mien   as he went through stages of grief.  Funke, it will be recalled, succumbed to cancer in April after a long-drawn battle and was buried at the Vaults and Gardens in Ikoyi amid tears by loved ones, particularly those who knew her as a fine member of high society who used her husband’s fortune for the good of humanity.

    But after the long, lonely nights of grief comes the hopeful dawn of acceptance. The former Managing Director of Shell is gradually emerging from his cocoon of grief, reacquainting himself with smile. At the 50th birthday bash of Oando boss, Wale Tinubu, penultimate Monday, Sunmonu was seen enjoying a rare day in the sun with fellow members of high society.

    A different text appeared under the above story last edition. This is why we are running it in this edition. We regret the production mix-up.

  • Mutiu Sunmonu parts way with grief

    The saying that a good name is better than silver and gold explains why Africa’s richest woman, Folorunsho Alakija, is in a foul mood. When the good reputation you have built with decades of selfless service is being destroyed by the actions of a few selfish individuals, you cannot but feel a sense of frustration. This, unfortunately, is the case with Alakija, the founder of the Rose of Sharon Foundation.

    Alerted that some unscrupulous elements were using her foundation’s name to defraud unsuspecting organisations, especially banks, she has invited the EFCC into the matter. Already, one Vincent Ayewah has been fingered as the suspected culprit. The employee of the foundation allegedly forged an identity card with the intention of defrauding people with it.

    With the conspiracy of a few others, he was said to have been able to operate for a while before Alakija discovered that something was amiss and raised the alarm. Now on trial for conspiring to defraud the foundation of N3 million, Ayewah and other accused persons face the prospect of a lengthy time in prison.

  • CDHR to tricyclists: we share your grief

    CDHR to tricyclists: we share your grief

    The leadership of Lagos State council of the Committee for the Defence of Human Rights (CDHR) has visited members of the tricycle riders union at Ikotun in Alimosho area of Lagos State. The visit was in solidarity with them over the death of the wife of a member, Mr Godwin Ekpo.

    The late Mrs Idongesit Ekpo was shot dead penultimate Wednesday at Obalagbe bus stop at 10pm. by a member of an eight-man team from the Isheri-Oshun Police Station that mounted a roadblock.

    Ekpo, with his wife and their two-month-old baby was said to be returning from church when the incident occurred. He is critically ill at the Lagos University Teaching Hospital (LUTH) from gunshot wound. Their visit was also in solidarity with the Isheri-Oshun unit of the CDHR that challenged the police over the incident.

    Addressing members of the union, state chairman of CDHR, Comrade Buna Ishak said the group is tackling the matter with police authorities.

    Assuring the riders that justice would be done, Comrade Ishak stated that the human rights group has been discussing with police authorities to ensure t the victims get justice.

    “The state council of CDHR has met with the Commissioner of Police (CP) Mr Fatai Owoseni and he has given us the assurance that Ekpo is getting the best medical attention at LUTH. He also said the first surgery on him was very successful. The CP informed us that the police authorities have already spent over N500, 000 on Mr Ekpo’s treatment to ensure he lives,” Comrade Ishak said.

    He said the human rights group seems to be calm because of the humane character of the police boss.

    “The Commissioner and other senior officers have appealed to us for calm. The CP has given us the mandate to report any erring policeman direct to his office. We should not wait until things become worse before we react to any issue,” he said.

    Regretting the horrible activities of policemen against the masses, Comrade Ishak promised that his group would not relent in its fight against police brutality, intimidation, harassment and embarrassment of members of the public.

    He said: “We’ll stop at nothing in our struggle to ensure that unwholesome activities of some policemen against the masses are stopped. I assure you that the Divisional Police Officer (DPO) of Isheri-Oshun will not return to that station; because the community and its environs have complained much about his ugly antecedents.

    “The CDHR is making frantic effort to ensure that the DPO is charged to court alongside the trigger-happy Corporal who killed the wife of your colleague and almost rendered your member useless. We are insisting that he and the leader of the team that mounted the roadblock should face murder charge as well as the policeman who shot at and killed Mrs Ekpo.

    “We also want to inform you that the killer policeman has been dismissed and is currently in detention. He is facing murder charge at Yaba Magistrate’s Court where he was arraigned. The matter was adjourned till October 19.”

    He said the CDHR is committed to seeking redress for those whose rights are infringed on and get justice for them. Comrade Ishak also revealed that his group has mapped out strategies on how to curb police excesses.

    “The DPO’s transfer is not enough. We want him disciplined. We are ready to work with the police to sanitise the society and to stop police from exploiting the masses. One cannot get one’s freedom by running away from the truth and failing to confront the oppressors head on,” he said.

    He urged the tricycle riders to go about their businesses and be law-abiding. He also advised them to join hands with the CDHR to ensure total emancipation of all oppressed people and to stop all forms of exploitation.

  • Grief at LASUTH

    Grief at LASUTH

    A bereaved, Mrs Florence Chijioke Duru, widow of one of the victims, couldn’t believe what befell her.

    She said: “The father of my children is no more. What has happened to him?”

    She said her husband bade her goodbye this (yesterday) morning only to be told he was no more.

    A family member of Mr Tunji Okusanya, the Managing Director of MIC Casket, the undertakers, Mrs Abimbola Munis-Balogun, who was rolling on the floor, said: “The pillar of our family, a kind-hearted man, has passed away. Who will help us now. He was always helping the young and the old. This is a tragedy. What is the government doing?”

    Okusanya’s son is also believed to have died in the crash along with other members of his organisation. Whenever a celebrity or a VIP is being buried, Okusanya personally led the funeral team.

    Other people were wailing at the hospital. An unidentified woman collapsed as she was told of a relative who died in the crash. The medics came to her rescue.

    Lagos State Deputy Governor Adejoke Orelope-Adefulire said some of the 13 people who died in the crash were burnt beyond recognition.

    According to her, of the seven survivors, five were at the Surgical Emergency Section of LASUTH, one at the Burn and Trauma Centre of Gbagada General Hospital, Lagos, and another at the Air Force Base Hospital in Lagos..

    “Accpet our condolences. We will support the family members,” she said.

    The deputy governor promised that the government would take steps to identify the bodies of the victims and give the survivours the best treatment .

    The Chief Pathology and Examiner of Lagos State, Prof John Obafunwa, said family members of the victims should come forward for their samples to be taken for DNA tests and proper identification of the victims’ bodies.

    According to him, the samples for DNA is necessary since the bodies were burnt beyond recognition. “We will take samples from their mouths. We will not push needles into anybody. We will compare this with DNA samples, the victims and as soon as possible. We will hasten up whatever we have to do because we appreciate the feelings of individuals,” he added.

    Lagos State Commissioner for Special Duties Dr Wale Ahmed said the state had created a Help Desk to provide information on the crash. Ahmed can be reached on 08022234870 for further information.

     

  • Capturing a heart in grief

    LOVING somebody and getting someone to love you back on a fifty-fifty basis can be really ‘good’. The truth, however, is that the emotional pendulum is not static; it moves in a crazy way and that is what makes it unpredictable.

    It can swing any way or anyhow. Your mood, state of mind and the ‘bird’ you settle for determine how balanced your emotional space would be. Shifting with a heart that is in grief can be a great dilemma but you can make it work, if you really try?

    This kind of love deal, however, can’t be struck on a platter of gold; you have to work hard because it’s usually a hard emotional nut to crack. It can actually be boring doling out affection in quantities that you cannot reap.

    Here, you must be ready to listen, give lots of love in return to the one who is on your affectionate thermometer.

    Trust, forgiveness and a heart willing to live up to emotional promises and expectations are equally important.

    When your hearts is heavy with grief, you need to do certain things to purge your emotions. The grief within has its own heartbeat and you can convert this to a positive energy. The greatest desire would therefore be to resist the rhythms of grief. You also need to get someone to stop this bleeding or weeping heart.

    Ronke is feeling this way at the moment. Her husband died in an accident and it hurts because it is the only true love she has ever had. Since then she has struggled and struggled with her emotions without any luck. Her doctor tried to talk to her and at a point he gave her some antidepressants. BUT she is just so lost without the love of her life.

    In the journey of the heart and soul, it can be very tough to find purpose when you are in grief. For some it is easy to find a replacement, while others take a long time to excavate a new heart; a heart that would bring meaning to their lives once more.

    When you are in this state of deep-seated loss, what you need is someone who believes that the sun will shine again.

    Omoshalewa is also feeling bad because she just lost her mother. Her eyes were swollen and she was still not tired of crying; tears for a mother she loved so much. How can this woman choose to depart from this world now? Life can be really callous and her heart was sinking on a daily basis. It was actually a time she expected some emotional sympathy from her father.

    Yes, she knew his heart was sinking too and she expected him to shower all the affection on her as the only child from that union. Unfortunately for our dear gal, this was not to be. Her father’s affection shifted almost immediately via the shifting cultivation ‘methodology’.

    “When my mother died about a year ago she left a terrible vacuum for my dad and I. We just didn’t know how to pick up the shattered pieces. Suddenly, my father’s disposition changed – he looked happier and it was obvious that he had moved on.”

    Naturally that should have been a plus but when the little girl discovered the ‘tonic’, she was disappointed. “Midway, I realised that my father was dating my class teacher. They came close when she came for the condolence visit with two other teachers. She took his number and somehow they became very close.”

    To her utmost surprise, it became a very serious affair and the visits became more frequent. “Then I realised that there was no going back for the two of them. That was just too fast and it affected me psychologically. I became very troublesome and my father had to send me to my grandmother’s place.

    This made me really angry and I began to hate my dad. Does it mean that my father has forgotten my mother so quickly? Could it be that he never really liked my mother and was pretending all along? Or could it be that all this were my teacher’s handiwork and she seduced him to take all the actions that he did?”

    And before she could say jack, the woman was pregnant and she was delivered of a baby boy a year after her mother died. Poor gal. It is only natural to feel betrayed by your dad and class teacher. But again, that is the way love operates. It can happen anytime and anywhere. The demise of your mother had created a vacuum and in a short while he found another missing rib.

    You just cannot blame him totally because he followed his heart. She ignited the flames and sparks that followed showed that they were really in love. As for your class teacher, she did not need to seduce him to win his heart. A lot of other people must have visited to condole, yet he did not swing that way emotionally. The truth of the matter is that love can catch up with you anywhere, anytime and any how.