Tag: Gulder

These are dodgy times indeed. The collateral damage of the delinquent behaviour of the political class is mounting every minute. As the Americans will put it, stuff is happening every minute.  In sane and sober climes, a fraction of this stuff will be enough for a declaration of national emergency. Yet the Nigerian cockpit is strangely somnolent, the crew overpowered by the noxious fumes of fatalistic complacency.

It does appear as if no one is exempt from the fog of confusion that has settled on the country and its dizzying and disorienting effects. Not even visiting foreign dignitaries. The fog is no respecter of royalties even of vintage mint. At the tail end of what appeared a whirlwind but most brilliantly coordinated tour of Nigeria, Prince Charles, the heir presumptive to the throne of England, finally met his comeuppance with the buttons on his coat awfully misaligned, giving the impression of professorial distraction.

You can trust the old colony. Prince Charles’ bespoke bungle has given rise to frenzied speculations among the uppity natives, the impish descendants of Lord Lugard’s old tormentors. Could it be due to the sultry tropics and their disorienting effects or something more tropicalizing and turpor-inducing, they wondered aloud.

In a dramatic enactment of what is famously known as the Stockholm Syndrome, many have even ascribed the sartorial howler of the charming prince to a new mode of chic dressing, an informal tip of the royal hat in the direction of the Yahoo boys which is in conformity with the well-known youthful radicalism of the eccentric and outspoken heir to the British throne.

You can trust Okon and Baba Lekki to fasten like leeches on the current controversy. On Friday morning, the crazy boy walked in with his senile accomplice reeking as usual of illicit gin. Okon’s shirt was buttoned up wrongly in a crazy and ridiculous manner while Baba Lekki’s danshiki was worn upside down. Snooper was trying to suppress his mirth when Okon offered an explanation.

“Ha, oga na Princess Charles dey cause all dis yeye nonsense. You know say Gulder don batter him button”, the mad boy crowed and burst into a hilarious giggle.

“Egungun subu o so di’dan”, Baba Lekki began with a caustic Yoruba wisecrack and then switched into perfect English. “You see when a smart masquerade stumbles and falls, he will convert it to an acrobatic display”.

“Ha baba make I tell you something, na Gulder come hammer him head. Na Gulder go finis all dem white people for Nigeria. He get time like dat one dem Oyinbo man come do business for Nigeria. Dem giam two bottle of dem Gulder beer and him say he wan go take him paper for inside dem hotel room. One hour he never return so dem go look for dem Oyibo man and come find him fast asleep for dem floor with expensive shit all over,” the mad boy sniggered.

“Okon, you are a fool. Charles no dey drink Gulder, na only Gin and Lime”, the old man crowed with mischief written all over his face.

“Baba no tell me dat nonsense. Gin and Lime na ogogoro and dem small Lemon”, Okon snapped.

“Okon, dem give Charles python meat for Benin. Dat one na slow poison”, Baba Lekki intoned.

“Before or after Gulder?”, the mad boy demanded.

“Ha you see, Gulder don do him work, python meat go do him work after. My friend Omoruyi say dem Benin people never forgive dem Oyinbo becos dem thief dem Bronze work”, the old crook retorted. It was at this point that snooper quickly back-heeled into his room.