It’s Christmastime. Never mind the harmattan – dry, dusty and cloudy – dampening the excitement of the season. Carols, concerts and carnivals are here.
There seems to be a great rebellion against nature and the other odds – insecurity, hunger, collapsed infrastructure, kidnapping, robbery, fake drugs and petrol scarcity. Talk about the indomitable spirit of the Nigerian. There are big shows all over town.
As the discerning reader may have noticed, “Editorial Notebook” has a tradition of honouring those compatriots of ours whose actions – or inactions – have made our country a better place. This year’s awardees have been chosen after days and nights of remarkable intellectual exertions. They are worthy in all ramifications.
Where do we start from? The top, of course. Many who doubted the influence of an extraterrestrial force in the affairs of man have been ruing their fate, biting their fingers since President Muhammadu Buhari’s return from a 90-day overseas medical trip.
There were dreadful rumours and reckless conjectures over his health. A governor swore that Buhari would not return alive. In fact, the governor said he was in possession of some exclusive pictures of the President on his sick bed, with his doctors throwing up their hands in abject capitulation.
Some sources claimed that His Excellency had written an obituary. Besides, a verbal war of sorts almost broke out over the presidential seat. But God, not being human, debunked all the gloomy prognostications. Buhari returned hale and hearty. Needless to say, he has since been working with the energy of a soccer star.
The governor buried his head in shame – for a long while – having suffered some kind of double jeopardy. He lost everything he had in the bank of credibility and a hefty sum of money, in dollars (according to the sources, aforementioned) to the vendors of the fake photographs.
Take a bow, Buhari. You are, no doubt, the Patient of the Year.
When former President Olusegun Obasanjo bagged a degree in Religious Studies, many were excited. He was slobbered with praises. But, Baba detests half measures. He enrolled for a doctorate degree. Just last weekend, he tucked a PhD Christian Theology into his bag of credentials after a 163-minute defence of his thesis at the National Open University of Nigeria (NOUN).
The defence was conducted by eminent academics of many years standing. Asked by Dr Samaila Mande, who chaired the panel, to state why he should be awarded a PhD, Obasanjo, according to a report, said he had put in “enough study” and “intellectual rigours” to produce his thesis.
A source close to a friend of a maternal uncle of one of the panel member’s brother, who pleaded for anonymity because he would not want to be charged with divulging official secret, swore that the encounter was underreported. He said, for instance, that when a panelist noted that Obasanjo should be commended for being a diligent and obedient student, the former president frowned his face, raised his left hand and said gruffly: “Point of correction, oga lecturer, professor or whatever you’re called here. I’m no longer a student; I’m now a scholar. Please, get that straight. Only small boys are students. I’m a scholar. Now, continue.”
Trust the academics, they would not be intimidated.
I join his army of admirers in praising Obasanjo’s sense of mission – and accomplishment. Who else should be Student of the Year?
Some have described him as inconsistent as the weather. Others have accused him of disloyalty. But nobody has said that former Vice President Atiku Abubakar does not know what he wants. They say he is ambitious and desperate. Isn’t it natural for a politician to be ambitious? Desperate? Yes; that’s no crime either. All because he quit the ruling All Progressives Congress (APC) for the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) where he had been before jumping ship.
Atiku has kept his eyes on the ball, despite the baseless criticisms. If he does not get the PDP ticket, he will simply return to the APC or find a party looking for a candidate. There are scores of them now. How else can consistency be measured?
For staying firm, despite the vituperations of his opponents, Atiku is the Politician of the Year.
Now a confession. It was difficult choosing the Governor of the Year, considering the wonderful performances of many state chief executives. The panelists, I am glad to report, found a way round it, ensuring that no member of this elite group will have cause to grumble.
In the hot race were Rivers State Governor Nyesom Wike, Ayo Fayose (Ekiti), Nasir El-Rufai (Kaduna), Rochas Okorocha (Imo) and Yahaya Bello (Kogi). The prize would have easily been Wike’s for outsmarting his naïve opponents, who some day will accept that His Excellency has talents. They accuse him of ineptitude and non performance. Is it for nothing that many residents of the state have virtually forgotten the governor’s name, addressing him as “Mr Projects”?
His opponents, who obviously are blinded by politics of the most virulent type, lay the blame for insecurity at his doorstep. They have forgotten that when killers struck in those early days of the administration, they carted away the heads of their victims. That has stopped. He was the force – financial and physical – behind the emergence of a new leadership in the troubled PDP.
Wike did not get the prize. Nor Fayose, despite his landmark achievements. A man of numerous titles, he is “friend of the poor, leader of opposition, architect of modern Ekiti, the Osokomole, Irunmole to’nje dollar ati jollof (the deity that eats jollof rice and dollars) and the Apesin Apagun Pote and more”.
When it is all over in a few months, Fayose will be remembered as the one who showed Ekiti people exemplary love. An average Ekiti resident sports rosy cheeks and bulging tummies – courtesy of the state’s enviable policy of “stomach infrastructure”.
When His Excellency announced his plan to kit 10,000 kids for Christmas, many thought they were dreaming. A source told me that the governor himself designed the dresses. We saw him on television the other day working a sewing machine, a tailor’s tape rule dangling from his executive neck and some aides cheering him on. The source confessed to some politicians that the tailors, dazed by the unprecedented order, were scared that they might fail to meet the deadline, but His Excellency lent them a hand. Unfortunately, he had to take time off the sewing machine–to attend the PDP convention and to protest the approval of $1b Excess Crude cash to fight insecurity, leaving the poor tailors to their own devices.
The panelists awarded Fayose Designer of the Year.
His opponents disparage him for not paying salaries and pensions–is he the accountant-general?–among other politically-induced complaints. Not a man to be threatened, Owelle Rochas Okorocha has soldiered on with his lofty programmes. He demolished the Ekeukwu market – an action his predecessors could not take for fear of reprisals. He mounted in Owerri several statues of eminent persons, including South African President Jacob Zuma, who has just lost his leadership of the African National Congress (ANC).
Okorocha became the subject of invectives, scorned by an ungrateful populace. Then he created the Ministry of Happiness and Purpose Fulfilment, headed by no less a personality than his sister. Now, happiness has found a home in Imo and everybody is happy. Officials have been overstretched by the sheer number of people flocking into the state to partake of the happiness. All the kids born at this period of a great phenomenon are being named Happiness by their happy parents.
I am sure, dear reader, that you will be happy to learn that Okorocha, orator, philanthropist, eminent politician and first class art connoisseur, is Governor of the Year – for his creativity and demystification of the office of governor as well as its workings.
Now to the Lawmaker of the Year before those distinguished fellows feel neglected and disrespected. Who wants to risk being summoned and ordered to appear in full uniform?
Naturally, the Senate President would have carried the day, but this is not about raising the gavel and banging the table. It was, I must confess, another tricky one.
When distinguished Senator Isah Misau (Bauchi Central) accused the police high command of gargantuan corruption, the force fought back, alleging that he was a deserter. Adamant, Misau fired more missiles. All was quiet for a while. Then, the police threatened to launch a legal battle against him. He then dropped the bombshell, accusing Inspector -General Ibrahim Idris of infidelity and infelicitous conduct.
He made salacious allegations, some of them bordering on concumbinary and concupiscence. This being a family newspaper, it will not be nice to repeat them here.
A Senate panel set up to probe the allegations got the wind taken out of its sail when the police bundled Misau before a court for alleged forgery and lying against the IG.
For taking a bullet for the Senate, Misau is Lawmaker of the Year.
Step aside, Davido, 2face, Falz , Wizkid, Banky W and others. New stars are here. Senator Dino Melaye’s critics have been most unfair to him and the good people of Kogi West, whom he represents. He has been called a thug, a philanderer, a rent-a-crowd merchant and a man with dubious academic credentials. Melaye has taken it all on the chin, showing his traducers that he has talents. Videos of the senator railing against his opponents have been a big hit on the Internet.
But Melaye missed the Entertainer of the Year – narrowly.
Step forward and take a bow, distinguished Senator Ademola Adeleke (Osun West) Some have derided him for dancing like a teenager. Others say he looks like an overfed night club bouncer. He is yet to move any motion; nor has he seconded any since fate vaulted him onto the senatorial stage, his crtics claim.
We have been regaled with stories of how the mere shaking of his vast backside has forced the presiding officer to bring down the gavel whenever the senator stands up to talk. Besides, many are learning new dance steps by watching the senator’s videos.
Senator Ademola Adeleke is the indisputable Entertainer of the Year.
A post script:: there are indeed no losers; all are winners.
Merry Christmas.
