For once in a very long while, something good is coming out of Imo State – a breath of fresh air lullaby that is remarkably different from Governor Rochas Okorocha’s well-documented audacious dalliances with the mundane and outright foolery with governance matters. This time, a serving Senator, Sam Anyanwu (Imo East), has gratuitously offered a fix-it-all solution to the problems plaguing Nigeria’s aviation sector. While some see it as a rude joke that pokes a discomfiting leprous finger at the crude hollowness of our primordial beliefs, it is my considered opinion that Anyanwu’s prognosis can be employed to fix Nigeria’s basket of problems instead of waiting on a government that is forever wailing with arms thrown up in surrender to the elements.
Tired of the endless news of near-tragic air mishaps in the past three months, Anyanwu, in his contribution on the floor of the Senate last Tuesday, said it would be better to resort to the old age trusted tradition of flying by witchcraft as it has become manifestly clear that the government and those saddled with the responsibility of preventing aircraft from falling off our skies have failed to discharge their duties. Listen to an exasperated Anyanwu: “It is shameful that Nigeria does not have any national carrier. I think every responsible government should look at this issue. If the aircraft cannot be maintained, let’s use witchcraft and start flying. That is the truth!’
From the moment he vomited that statement, the social media has been swarming with fiery interrogations of Anyanwu’s state of mind. Quite a number of his critics assume that he must be under some form of delusory attack hence the hallucination about the powers of witchcraft whose efficacy or existence cannot be proven scientifically. And that is where I disagree with them. Witchcraft is what it is and it shouldn’t be subjected to the rigour of scientific findings. In any case, how many of these critics who are pontificating on the social media would offer themselves as guinea pigs in their desire to test the efficiency of witchcraft? And so, rather than castigate the Senator, we should begin a process of exploring the possibility of adopting the method to tackle the clear and present dangers that confront us all, as it is continually becoming impossible to deal with them with the common methodologies used in advanced democracies within and outside the African continent.
For those who still doubt how this can work, they need to take time out to watch the astonishing feats that were accomplished in the wave-making Black Panther movie that has shattered all records at the cinemas. If that was not black magic at its best, then what is? For all we know, Black Panther’s Wakanda may have set the template for Anyanwu’s recommendation. If majority of us still believe the phantasmagoric fables of the magical prowess about witches and wizards that we are scared stiff of visiting our dying ancestors in the villages in spite of the modernity around us, why take Anyanwu to the cleaners? In a country where we continue to do things the same way with abysmally depressing results to boot, wouldn’t it be nice to call on the never-failing ancestral spirits to come to our rescue as postulated by a concerned Senator?
On a serious note, have we given a thought to how the use of witchcraft can begin to change the narratives of the sickening stories that break daily in Nigeria? The ‘truth’ in Anyanwu’s suggestion is that witches hardly fall off the sky neither do they overshoot runways like our airlines do these days. From tales of old, they rarely miss their targets when used as weapons of mass destruction except in cases where they come in contact with superior powers. There is also the possibility of reducing casualty figures in air mishaps as witches travel at the speed of light with few passengers on board. Now, let no one think this is a joke because it is not. With witchcraft, we would all be privileged air travellers with first class treatment extended to Senators and other VIPs on board coupled with assurance of safe landing for all. Some would even be privileged enough to be dropped off in their bedrooms. Yes, flying witches and wizards, we were made to believe, were that good. That, my readers, is the truth.
What many do not know is that, if and when it becomes successful in our aviation sector, the witchcraft facility can be expanded to other sectors that are presently suffocating under the heavy burden of bad leadership including the National Assembly. Just imagine how witches would have dealt with all the despicable rampaging herdsmen and all manners of AK47-wielding killers in our midst. Since the government’s vow and directive to the security agencies to arrest, interrogate and arraign the culprits have yielded nothing but more deadly attacks, wouldn’t it be such a relief to set our ever-active witches brigades against these ‘unknown’ marauders in our midst? Is there not a possibility that those criminals that abducted our girls and criminally abuse them would have been caught by now if the Federal Government had employed the infallible services of our witches and wizards?
Since the numerous aircraft deployed in the efforts to locate and rescue the 110 abducted Dapchi girls is yet to return with any positive result, shouldn’t someone somewhere be wearing his thinking cap and tap from the informed insights offered by our hard-working Senator?
Besides, witches can be efficiently used to drastically tame the monster called corruption in Nigeria. All it takes is to empower them to deal mercilessly with anyone found to have dipped his crooked hands in the public till regardless of what ‘holy book’ was used to administer oath of office and oath of allegiance on such a person. In an era where snakes and monkeys reportedly swallowed millions of naira hidden in safe havens within the homes, witches can be the only dependable alleys in retrieving such funds intact as they can penetrate anywhere with their powers. With them, the anti-graft bodies will no longer be sweating profusely in their bid to recover stolen funds as such would now be the responsibility of highly-trained witches who would be compensated with mouth-watering percentages from the recovered loot in line with fine principles embedded in the whistle blowers’ law! They can detect and swiftly eliminate the perennial problems of budget padding and inject some form of sanity in our appropriation process. Personally, I cannot help but marvel at the humongous funds that these witches would return to our treasury in addition to the number of looters that would face the music in our embarrassingly slow justice system! The authorities would even have the added advantage of ordering the witches to fly to all the countries where these slush funds are hidden and, without signing any bilateral agreements, freight our collective patrimony back to our land. How wonderful.
Just this week, it was announced that the Federal Government had written the National Assembly to intimate it of the return of fuel subsidy regime to allegedly curb the criminals activities of oil marketers that ‘divert Premium Motor Spirit (PMS) to neighbouring countries in which about N774m was lost by the government daily.” Anyone with a brain as small as a mustard seed within the government ought to know that the menace can be curbed with the services of specially trained, red-eyed elite witches strategically stationed in our borders. For years, our security personnel have wasted billions of naira and countless man hours on patrol without any radical change in the sorry state of our porous borders. But, with witchcraft, I am sure we would be spending less while making a giant leap in the reduction of this seeming intractable problem. It is even not impossible that the wizardry of these witches can be injected into our policy formulation strategies at all levels of government to ensure maximum effect. That, to my mind, would be our home grown way of technological advancement—deploying the services of witchcraft for the good of a country whose leadership has consistently refused to think outside the box beyond paying lip service to what other serious minded leaders are irrevocably committed to doing——service to humanity!
And so, here we are in the 21st century with leaders monkeying around with unverifiable tales of an all-knowing witchcraft handling issues that other less-endowed countries tackled with commitment, service and loyalty to the state other than to self. It is such a pity really!
