DEAR Harriet, I am in a relationship with a guy I met on the internet. He stays abroad and wants to marry me. Although I have not seen him, he promised coming over soon.
How do I know if he is the right person for me?
Thanks.
Name withheld, Lagos
.
Thanks for your text message. Starting a distance relationship with someone is one thing, knowing if the person is the right one for you is another?
Yes, some people met their future partners on the internet and some have also experienced disappointment, heartbreak and death on internet relationships. Who knows?
Some people are lucky, while others are not, but a few things remain the same when it comes to relationships that we must not overlook.
Getting the right person to spend the rest of your life with is one of the most important decisions that every unmarried person needs to make. The predicament that singles face with the issue of marriage should not be neglected.
The question that you must ask yourself is the reason why you want to get married. Is it because you want to be like the Joneses? If you don’t understand the purpose, then you may not be able to walk, according to God’s plan for marriage.
Remember, marriage is an institution ordained by God, and his desire is for couples to find peace and joy in their marriage. In today’s world, many young people want to marry for these reasons:
Desire to be free from parents or guardians.
To fulfil sexual desires.
To ease loneliness.
To be happy.
To prove to others that they are adults too.
They feel suddenly pregnant.
Out of pity or sympathy for a young person around them that is lonely or need help.
Love for children and desire to have children they can call their own.
Family financial situation, poor family and having seen a rich prospective partner he/she will be able to solve their family financial situations.
All their friends and those younger than them are getting married.
They have always wanted a societal wedding that will be the talk of town.
Out of fear that no one wants to marry them because of some reasons buried in their heads.
They think that time is running out.
They are tired of being single.
As good as some of the reasons above may be, they are not just strong enough. They need more compelling reasons to decide to marry as marriage in itself will not solve all their problems as some people think.
The step you are about to take is not an easy one; it is a life-time commitment, so you must try as much as possible to be honest on everything giving it time to knowing each other.
If possible, it will be nice to arrange a meeting. Make sure you don’t visit alone and it must be in a public place. Avoid going any way private with him. For safety reasons, carry out proper checks and be able to ask and answer truthful questions.
People can appear very different on line, so don’t allow anybody to pressurize you into marriage when you are not ready. Before you say yes to his proposal, make sure it is really what you want and that you love each other enough.
More so, consider the character of the person you want to marry and do not proceed until you have inner peace on it.
How does he relate with you because you are so far apart it is very important you evaluate your relationship with him, especially in the aspect of communication. How often do you talk with each other? Are you open to one another? Does he respect you and share your dreams and aspirations? Is he the controlling type? What are his religious views? Do you have a common ground on spiritual issues? What’s his growing up like?
Because you met him on the internet, face reality and think the proposal through and don’t be in a hurry.
To know if the person is right for you, he must be ready to accept your past and present. Some people want to change everything about you. Whoever wants to marry you must be ready to accept you and must be prepared to work patiently on you, with you for changes to take place without forcing you.
Furthermore, you must know that there is no perfect being; happiness comes when we are committed to making someone else happy. It is about giving and taking. It is not about a selfish desire to just receive and not give out love.
As you go about with your check list on him, make sure that you are also right for Mr. Right because it takes two to tangle. Sex before marriage should not be a determining factor to tell if a person is the right one. Signs should also not be taking for granted.
Many marriages are suffering today simply because people ignore the signs of violence, truancy, insensitivity and selfishness at the very early stage of dating with the expectations that they will change the persons once they get married, forgetting that you can only change yourself, not your partner by learning to live with his strengths and shortcomings.
There is no statement like he or she was not like this at the beginning. No, the signs were always there, but you chose not to see them. Finally, the decision is yours to make. Think the proposal through properly and good luck.
Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com. You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.
