Sexuality coach and marriage counselor Jessica Sampson is demystifying sex.
Driven by a vision to help nurture peoples’ intimate desires to fruition and helping couples enjoy blissful marriages, she established The Intimacy Masters and The Sex Conference. In this interview, she speaks on her commitment to changing the narrative of intimacy and pleasure. EVELYN OSAGIE writes
Significance of intimacy discourse in the face of global meltdown
Intimacy is crucial because it impacts directly and indirectly on our overall wellbeing and the society at large. Intimacy is linked to a person’s quality of life, and by extension the society; from values to health, boundaries, longevity, and all.
Sex and sexuality are integral parts of human life, and understanding this can help in approaching the topics with a positive mindset. The timing, the people involved, the choices you make, and the consequences you make are key elements. Embrace the idea and grow in knowledge by educating yourself. Set healthy boundaries, seek support, and remember that you are responsible for your choices. Young people who are properly educated about sexuality make better decisions and avoid STIs, while those who are kept in the dark tend to make more mistakes
Common misconceptions surrounding intimacy and pleasure
One major misconception, especially among religious people, is that intimate matters are inherently unhealthy. For instance, God promotes sex within the right context, but what you do with your sexuality and your beliefs about it are what truly matter. Many people engage in sex to the detriment of themselves and others; while others use it to enhance their marriage and intimacy.
Research shows that children exposed to sexual knowledge make better choices, while those who are not exposed often struggle when they do encounter sexual situations. The key to overcoming misconceptions is to give lessons about sexuality in a way that emphasises choices and consequences. It’s not about promoting unhealthy behaviors, but about fostering sexual health, positive sexual behavior, reproduction, and more.
My journey into this hush field
As a licensed clinical sexologist and marriage counselor, I didn’t start out in this field, but discussing relationships and sexuality has always been a natural affinity for me. Even in secondary school, I was the go-to person for advice on crushes and relationships. People found it easy to talk to me, and I naturally became the mediator in relationships. This early experience fueled my passion for my work, leading me to pursue certifications in various fields related to human relationships.
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I had started unofficially after I finished from the university in 2011. I continued on different aspects of sexual education but in 2015, it dawned on me to create a safe space for sex talk in marriage as I had focused on children mostly and now. Hence, Intimacy Masters was established as an umbrella body to cater to all of these concerns.
My motivation
My drive comes from a deep-seated desire to help others navigate the complexities of intimacy and connection. Driven by a vision to help nurture peoples’ intimate desires to fruition and helping couples enjoy blissful marriages, I founded The Intimacy Masters, a family-oriented organisation with a vision to help nurture peoples’ intimate desires to fruition, and uphold family values as well as the rights of children. And in July this year, we held The Sex Conference with the theme, “Embracing Sexual Knowledge with Wellness and Empowerment”. The whole idea is to bring awareness to people on conversations like this. A lot of times, you’ll go for conferences on health, finance, well-being, and the rest of it, mental health. But you hardly find conversations as direct as sex.
Post or no post: impact of couples living lives on social media as against utmost privacy
Truth is, social media has become an integral part of modern society, influencing various aspects of people’s lives, including relationships. There’s a theory that couples who constantly post about each other on social media are actually covering up underlying issues that they don’t want the public to know about or; some say it’s harmful to couples. But that isn’t entirely true. There are blissful marriages that exist on social media in spite of the popular statement “don’t believe everything you see on social media”.
Sometimes, it is preference. A couple might post a lot but are not in a happy place. But I personally think moderation is key factor because the pressure is real on social media and at this point, it is paramount to filter what is being consumed. And I’d like to say, “Do a social media detox from time to time” because it is therapeutic.
When you try to live out your life on social media without moderation, it puts you constantly under pressure to present a perfect image, rids you of privacy as what was once considered personal and private moments between partners are now exposed to a wide audience, and makes you vulnerable to comparing your own relationship to that of others also portrayed online. You suddenly begin to rely on external validation from social media followers and this can be detrimental to a relationship’s health. Seeking approval and validation through likes, comments, or shares can actually shift the focus away from genuine connection between partners towards maintaining a certain image online. This external influence can in the long run distort priorities and values within the relationship.
Hacks for rekindling intimacy in marriage
Start dating in marriage again with lots of kisses and foreplay. Embrace the concept of slow sex. These will help build attraction, attachment and acceptance for a “friend zone” marriage to return to life. You should also embrace open communication by talking to your partner about how you are feeling. Also, you should prioritise intimacy by setting time for each other, planning date nights, or engaging in activities that promote closeness and connection. Physical touch, such as cuddling or holding hands, can also help rekindle the intimacy between partners.
My advice to couples seeking a blissful marriage
My advice to couples seeking a more fulfilling marriage is to first become willing partners. Being teachable allows you to grasp all the blessings that come with relationships and marriages. Humans are not created to live in loneliness; relationships are a core part of our existence. We thrive, live, and grow in relationships. If you are willing and ready to grow and learn about marriage and relationships, it will positively impact your life, your spouse, and society at large.
My self-care practices
To be honest, when we have a goal or mission in life, it helps manage your expectations and sets you up for greatness. Sometimes, you feel overwhelmed, but you take it one day at a time. I love my job, I love my family, and I love myself, but life still happens, and you have to find a way to balance it all.
I put myself in therapy because even therapists need therapy, and even coaches need coaches. I did a session called “Get Your Power Back” because being a mom of four girls and a boss can be overwhelming. It’s a lot to handle, but I make time for my well-being to check in with myself. I know when to take a break and move on.
Our work is quite sensitive, and if you’re not careful or well-protected, you can end up with too much to handle. There are times I say no to clients if I’m not stable. Being a relationship coach and sexpert doesn’t mean I don’t have my own relationship issues. There are days when I have to tell myself I can’t take any more clients. On those days, I might not show up, but when I do, I show up fully.
My role model
(Smiles) My role model is biological father because I have seen him as a model love, integrity and grit my entire life.
My personal style
I love a casual smart look but lately, my preference has been that of a much more feminine and elegant styling without revealing too much.
My style icon
Shaffy Bello.
