The Nation Newspaper

Tag: Merry

  • The merry widows of Masaba

    You must remember Malam Abubakar Bello Masaba who passed recently. May Allah grant him eternal repose. While he was alive, snooper followed the saga of the multi-spouse and multi-purpose man of  Bida emirate with a mixture of amusement and apprehension. Snooper could not understand what all the fuss about this redoubtable man of means and member was all about, particularly since in this age of mass unemployment the man was providing gainful employment for eighty six women, and all of the women appeared to be in fine fettle judging from the pictures.

    Snooper was  bit rusty about his native laws and their authority. First, the intrepid malam was ordered to divorce all but four of his spouses in strict compliance with Islamic tenets. When this did not appear to be working, our man was issued with a swift deportation order. And when he appeared tardy and tacky about leaving town, the law came for him in its full weight.

    This was where the story began to read like some magical stuff out of the Arabian night entertainment of yore. Hell hath no fury than aroused spouses.  Driven to vengeful fury by the plight of their husband, the Masaba wives staged a public demonstration protesting the persecution of their main man. It was a colourful carnival, a rainbow coalition of carnality. Snooper knows a beautiful woman when he sees one, and many of these women, even if age has roughed them up a little bit, could have stepped out of a beauty pageant in their early days.

    Their precise states of origin and the origin of their states have already sparked off an internet firefight between a Benin princeling and a Hausa noble man of the extinct Habe dynasty.  Among Masaba’s prize collection are Buroro beauties, Edo damsels, Oburo queens from ancient Oyo, Ibo wenches, Efik brunettes and imported eves from the old slave coast. Some of them even look like delectable quadroons from the old slave plantation in North Carolina.

    Snooper has been doing some elementary calculations. If Malam Masaba were to fulfil his conjugal obligations to his bevy of beauties, it would mean calling at least three of them to the matrimonial mattress everyday with Friday set aside for prayers and purification. Even by the standard set by Fela Anikulapo, that would be a prodigious feat of physical exertion headed for the Guinness Book of World Record. So rather than persecuting the old man, we ought to have sent him to the Olympics to augment our miserable haul of medals? Enter him for a new category of Bedminton and at over eighty years the man would have set a world record even before entering the field or the bed.

    It was with much hilarity and expectation that snooper took the puzzle and the picture to Baba Lekki,  the old rebel and philosopher of racial integration, at his temporary headquarters in Ogba where he claimed to be monitoring some urgent political developments. Upon seeing me and the picture, the old man burst into a prolonged smile of deranged excitement. He already knew what was happening.

    “So tell me, that means say Alhaji Masaba don become Alhaji Mësaaba, abi no be so?” he queried with much mirth and merriment.

    “Bros, what is that?  Why are you adding your own confusion to an already confused situation?” I asked him in mock anger.

    “Listen, don’t be a fool. For Yoruba language, when a hen wan hatch him egg dem say he dey saba, abi no be so? So when dem ask man make he no hatch him egg again no be mësaba bi dat one? Abi which kind yeye fool be this one?” the man growled, feigning annoyance. Snooper burst into a loud laugh, marvelling at the linguistic ingenuity of the old crook.

    “It is a pity dem no dey talk about polyandry abi na only polygamy dem sabi?” the old crank pursued with a severe frown.

    “Bros, what is that one again?” snooper asked.

    “Polygamy is when a man is married to many wives. Polyandry is when a woman is married to many husbands. One rich Yoruba woman for gutter in Idumota come get six husbands. One na him driver, another na him clerk, the third one dey wash him clothes, the fourth one na him mai-guard, the fifth one na him messenger and the six na him vulcaniser who dey pump tyre for midnight. Shikena, case don finish”, the old man noted tersely and dismissed snooper.

  • Merry in the mud

    Let’s talk about mudslinging and mudslingers.  First of all, the observation must be made that the more mud available, the greater the mudslinging, and the merrier the mudslingers.

    A lot of mud has been flying around since Imo State Governor Rochas Okorocha and Anambra State Governor Willie Obiano threw caution to the winds in a drama of desperate egotism.

    A report said: “The ‘war’ started after Okorocha said during the Southeast APC stakeholders’ meeting in Owerri, Imo State capital, that three governors in the zone were planning to defect to the All Progressives Congress. The ensuing verbal war had led to Obiano calling Okorocha a “motor park governor”…In his response, Okorocha described Obiano as “a drunk who is easily intoxicated, by X.O.,” an alcoholic brand.”

    Lest we forget, the speakers are governors. The enthusiastic exchange of verbal blows provided perhaps unintended entertainment, and governors became entertainers. Seriously, the show became comical, turning the governors into comedians of sorts.

    Of course, there are observers who are not amused. A statement by the Movement for the Actualisation of the Sovereign State of Biafra (MASSOB) called the show “madness,” and described the performance of the performers as “complete stupidity and foolishness.” The World Igbo Youth Congress (WIYC) said the dirty fighting was “disgraceful and a slap on the entire Igbo land.”

    Again, lest we forget, this is about gubernatorial mudslingers. So, it was perhaps predictable that gubernatorial performance would be a target for mud, with Okorocha saying Obiano “has nothing to display.”

    Okorocha boasted that his achievements in Imo State, “about two thousand verifiable projects executed by his administration in various parts of the state,” include:  the construction of two flyovers, three tunnels, 500 kilometres of urban roads, the International Convention Centre, the Eastern Palm University, the Imo College of Advanced Studies, 800 kilometres of rural roads, 305 school buildings in the 305 wards in the state and 27 hospitals.

    After comparing the profiles of the two fighters, a statement from Okorocha’s corner declared that he was “more educated” than Obiano. Then this: “We were right when we said in our first response to Governor Obiano’s attack that comparing Obiano with Rochas (Okorocha) is like comparing (Lionel) Messi of Barcelona F.C. with one left winger in one Mberi Secondary School in Imo State.”

    Indeed, the mess may get messier, considering that Okorocha is insisting on “an unreserved apology” from Obiano as a condition for peace. When governors appear to be merry in the mud, it is a sure sign that all is not well.

  • The merry still goes round …

    All the things we dreaded/ all the things we hated/ and all the things for which we booted out the other fellows/ they are happening to us once again/ the merry still goes round and round/ and now we are dizzy/ we can’t even cry/ there is no tears to cry anymore …

    Okay, dear reader, this is not a poem, not even a ditty; it is just Hardball experimenting with an intro. One would bet that you can’t even imagine how trying it can get sometimes trying to churn out this stuff daily. Indeed, it just might be interesting to do a how-to-write-a-Hardball someday soon. Task for another day.

    Back to now: what in heaven has elicited the street corner verse above, you might ask? Well, a few days ago, over five ministers were in London for one week for a jamboree tagged “Nigeria Investment Road show in London” The ministers according to report, are those manning Trade and Industry; Agriculture and Rural Development; Transport and Aviation and Water Resources.

    Going by reports, a select group of federal and state governments were in London to highlight business opportunities in energy, agriculture, transport, solid minerals, ICT and infrastructure. The objective, they say, is to create a platform for the Nigerian government to profile business opportunities to UK audience; etc.

    Hmm, same old story bearing much similarity to our immediate, much-maligned past. This is one of such missions under the PDP government which Hardball used to describe as junket and wasteful jamboree.

    Imagine five ministers with their aides and some hangers-on. Add that to states’ officials and their ubiquitous friends and concubines. Can anyone tell the tax payers the exact cost of this week-long talk-show? And last Friday, news broke that six governors are heading for Germany for vocational training. Now, do we have artisans as governors? Also, our NASS has recessed for the year, putting in only about 100 days out of a stipulated 181.

    How come it does not matter to government officials that the economy is in recession and that the times call for frugality? Why is it that our government officials cannot understand that you don’t have to travel abroad these days to tap into global finances and investment opportunities? Why won’t our leaders sit still for a moment, get sober, think through the country’s problems and do even the basics?

    Let’s close with just one graphic illustration of inertia in government: Nigeria’s local beans are much sought after in Europe. It is a multibillion dollars trade. Exactly one year ago, the EU trade commission suspended imports of our beans because of a high content of a certain insecticide. The suspension was for Nigeria to meet EU’s prescribed standards.

    But Nigeria’s ministries and agencies, many of which are on this London sight-seeing trip could not take requisite action; warranting EU to ban Nigeria’s beans for three years. Imagine the fate of numerous beans farmers in Nigeria who had built capacity for export? Imagine the billion dollars losses? Is anyone working with some urgency to reverse the ban? Not likely.

    This our story … the merry still goes round!

  • Eat, drink and make merry in Badagry

    Fun-filled weekend awaits travel lovers this weekend at Badagry as the TravelNextdoor has announce its excursion to the historic town this Saturday.

    TravelNextDoor, which has on its team former winner of the CNN African Journalist Award (Travel Category), Pelu Awofeso, has been taking tourists from within and abroad on excursions to the town famous for its history of slave trading, since 2010. It

    has built a reputation for that over the last few years.

    “We thought to share some highlights of what it means to be part of that 12 hours (8am-8pm) spent outdoors, enjoying the very best of nature, culture and history that Nigeria has to offer. To book a seat on the tour bus, interested tourists can get more details on the excursion by sending an email to travelnextdoor@yahoo.com or calling 0807 0999 670,” the organisers said.

  • Merry Christmas for the less-privileged

    Merry Christmas for the less-privileged

    The year 2013 ended on a happy note for some less-privileged members of the society in Lagos as a non-governmental organisation, Geno Hope Alive Foundation, had a huge Christmas party for them during which they were given food items, cloths and other materials.

    The event took place at the Redeemed Christian Church of God in Surulere.

    No fewer than 100 people benefitted from the gesture as women and children received different Christmas packages from the NGO. They were full of joy for the unexpected gift.

    The women and children were all joyful on the packages which the Foundation gave them. One of the women, Mrs Priscillia Anomneze thanked the organisation for their effort saying: “We are very grateful for this kind gesture extended to us. The NGO has restored our joy and has also given us the opportunity to celebrate this Christmas season and to share with others this expensive package that they have given us freely today”.

    Another beneficiary, Mrs Chidima Ohun said Geno Hope Alive Foundation is doing a unique thing by sharing these food items, provisions and cloths with those who cannot afford it.

    In her address, the Foundation’s Cordinator, Mrs EnoAbasi Unogu explained the NGO works with women and children who are experiencing difficult economic conditions especially in their families.

    “Asides what we have done today, we also empower mothers to be economically sufficient by putting them through training and establish small and medium scale businesses which can help them to sustain their families. For the children, we provide them with good nutrition, education and donate school materials to them, giving them follow up and making sure that they are in school and not trading on the streets because of their circumstance.

    “Today’s programme is geared towards helping families that cannot afford the Christmas shopping, to boost their spirit, to have a sense of belonging in the season and also to extend the love of the season to them”, Mrs Unogu said.

    Also speaking at the occassion, a trustee of the organisation, Mr Tonye Tamuno urged the people to raise hope for the future.

    “Don’t let your experiences or mistakes make you feel hopeless rather, believe in yourself and desire a better future”, Mr Tamuno said.