Some things are really not worth remembering, such as the taste of bad food, Nigerians’ bad manners, selfish politicians, and the exact figure of my age.
I have watched, in fascinated horror, as Nigerians have moved their tastes and obsessions from one product to another claiming to hold the secret to long life. The list is endless: try Kasagoff to Aloe Vera to GNLD to Forever Products to Garlic to Cocoa, and now to Moringa! If I have not spelt any well or forgotten some, please forgive me but I am no less struck by the very powerful effect they have on Nigerians. I have seen them all quake and swoon in real, unfeigned ecstasy as they have sworn with finger put to mouth and then pointed upwards on the total efficacy and life extending capability of each of these products. They have sworn on each one in turn. And I have sometimes joined them.
Once, a long time ago, after newly moving into my house, I was anxious to show a guest the fascinating points and contours of the house. As he stepped into my compound, however, I lost him. Oh no, he did not disappear before my eyes, no; but as soon as he laid his eyes on the Aloe Vera plant reluctantly growing close to the gate of the house, he lost his reason. Oh my God, he screamed, you have this plant?! You have this plant?! Somebody recommended it to me to treat my hypertension and I have been looking all over for it. So you have it? Can I take some of it with me, please can I? I had never seen such loss of control over a plant, so who was I to stand in the way of that worship?! Of course, he could take the whole thing, for in all honesty, I could then no longer remember why I had planted it. I think that amnesia occurred as soon as I experienced the bitter taste of the Aloe Vera. I never have tried it again.
I think that’s it. I was looking for a cure for my penchant for forgetfulness; it was not even much then, now of course it is even stronger. Then, I really thought the earth was going to fall when I would go to the market and remember only half my shopping list, loan people money (there is no amount of pentothal truth serum you give me that will make me talk: I will not name names) and forget to collect it back, fail to remember the right figure of my age, find the right word to describe the rambunctious behaviour of the urchins in my care, or worse, cook and forget to eat. The last one was the most worrisome and I felt it needed some drastic action. So I discreetly made enquiries because you cannot go around bragging ‘Look people, I find that I am now growing forgetful, what’s the remedy?’ God help you if your students overhear you.
Anyway, I made enquiries about the best way to tackle forgetfulness and someone recommended the plant Aloe Vera. What is that? I asked. It is a wonder plant, I was told. It can cure everything. Seriously, I laughed, everything? Oh yes, it is even better than Kasagoff, I was told. Now, what is that? I think at that point, my respondent got tired, of my ignorance that is, not of me. Get Aloe Vera, she said. And that is how I came to plant it.
As soon as I did, like the inexperienced farmer I was, I expected the blessed plant to sprout but I had to be patient awhile. After being tardy on the job during which my memory continued to decline to the point that I perpetually had to be looking for my slip-ons, it eventually brought something out for me to try. That was when I discovered that its bitter taste could probably induce more forgetfulness. Promptly, I went back to my source. Are you sure this plant works because all I can remember is its bitter taste. Perhaps, my source irreverently suggested, your forgetfulness is too strong for the plant. Try GNLD or Forever products. Maybe those ones can assist a chronic case like yours. Now what on earth are those? Well, my source patiently explained, they are also elixirs for regenerating youthfulness in every way, including even your memory. It regains lost youth better than King David’s fresh blood.
No, someone else firmly countered, let her try garlic. Seriously, again I laughed, garlic? Yes, I was told. Garlic is the cure-all product. No wonder, I thought I could perceive a pungent odour coming from the direction of the speaker but I could not place my nose on it exactly. So, I nodded, that is the secret to long life and the foul smell. I declined; I felt there was just no way any life constantly exposed to that smell could be around for too long.
Then I heard about Cocoa. Straight I went to make enquiries. Cocoa, claimed the marketers, could fulfil just about any wish you placed before it. In short, it could stand in the way of a failing memory. So, feeling coins loose and fancy free, I purchased me a packet, took a swig and found myself nursing the mother of a headache. Could that be my memory flooding back? I took another swig and experienced a repeat performance. I was sure I had not forgotten that much, so, once again, I found myself in the market. That was when I heard about Moringa.
Moringa, I was told, has the capability to do so many things in the body the scientists are still out on the list. I was concerned about memory. All you have to do, I was told, is eat the leaves. Feeling much like a goat, I set to work. That was when I discovered that there is an association of Moringa growers, there are conferences on the intricacies of the plant, and there are regular meetings of the growers. I wondered if I needed to ask if there is an association of Moringa eaters so I could ask them some questions.
Anyway, after being tossed to and fro fruitlessly seeking the elixir of youth and youthful memory, I have been constrained to asking myself: whatever happened to eating right and doing right by one’s neighbours? I hesitate to conclude that Nigerians are gullible; indeed I would not go so far as to say that. I would simply say that Nigerians are too anxious to find quick fixes or solutions to their health problems. While many amongst us are educated and even lettered, I have been forced to conclude that in many of us, that education ‘don’t mean a thing’. In some cases, the more educated we are the more perverse we are in our thinking. This is why it is possible for even a professor to be defrauded into thinking that some special teas or trado-medical brews or passing fads in drinks or plants can cure diabetes. It is also why it is possible for someone to believe that one can stay young forever on these products. Sadly, it is also the reason why people continue to lose a great deal of money that could otherwise be put to better use.
Truth is, dissipated living has its costs, and there are no quick fixes to regaining it. Lost youth can only be regained by regular exercises, eating right and thinking right, such as how to serve other Nigerians better. As for me, I have decided that my memory will work better when I don’t accost it with too much worry. In any case, some things are really not worth remembering, such as the taste of bad food, Nigerians’ bad manners, selfish politicians, and the exact figure of my age.
This piece was first published in November 2012
