To the fabled Aromisa Police Station around the narrow strip of land abutting the lagoon at the Makoko marsh where the equally fabled warriors from Benin first disembarked several centuries earlier to try their luck and tempt their fate in a quest for human cargo cleverly disguised as a fishing and hunting expedition. Okon had been languishing in one of the horrid cells having been arrested for aggravated theft and conduct prejudicial to public peace and order.
This bleary early December morning, all was eerily quiet on the sandy approach to the lonely police outfit where Okon was spending his sixth night because his bail condition could not be perfected. In addition to the humongous money he was asked to pay, the crazy boy had been ordered to produce a surety who was of high religious standing in the society or a traditional ruler of equal status. Since Okon had been heard several times on television denouncing both institutions even while claiming to be a High Chief in some remote backwater, no one was willing to stand surety for him.
As the “Japa” phenomenon took deep hold of the society with everybody, including both the very old and the very young, wanting out, a whole range of industry developed around the japa scheme. They include examination boards, interviews, referrals, resits, feeder boards, etc with local scams ensnared by national hoaxes all ending in a gigantic swindle. You can trust Okon to cotton in on one of the pilot schemes scamming everybody who can be scammed until the scam master himself succumbed to a master scammer.
Pretending that he was not in interested in leaving the country, Okon had been doing lucrative business with a Japa Company by herding prospective applicants in its direction and taking a cut which was known as endorsement fees. Until the superman came to the supermarket. After heavy hints, winks, sighs and whispers, Okon became convinced of a surefire route to the US and promptly applied to another company in heavy secrecy, or so he thought. He was immediately granted an expedited interview, having paid the requisite fees for executive service.
So convinced was Okon of this sure path to the promised land that he began misbehaving at home, dropping heavy hints of imminent change in status and inviting his usual accomplices from the creeks to teach him Americana manners and gesticulations without any further ado. Yours sincerely was quite convinced that something was not quite right and had decided to follow him to the interview. It was a comprehensive fiasco with the interviewer bent on unsettling Okon with a no-nonsense stare.
“Country of origin, please?” he demanded.
“Ha oga, why dat kin question now? Even dem afoju or blind man sabi say na for Abeokuta dem dey make dem orijin drink. But tell dem say he be like if say dem dey reduce dem ogogoro for dat one ooo. He no dey fire people again.”
The interviewer, a dandified crook with a colonial hairstyle whose landmark parting glistened with local pomade, wore a deep frown of reservation at Okon’s verbal misadventure. But his face suddenly softened as if he was showing deference to some invisible master giving him instruction. He became friendly and conciliatory again.
“I will help you out”, he began with controlled disgust. “What is the name of your country?”
“Nigeria now. You know say Nigerians no dey carry last, abi dem never tell una dat? “ Okon responded with triumphal flourish to the utter discomfiture of the interviewer who decided to deflate his upbeat self-importance.
“ Mr Okon, you are already in an asylum, so why are you looking for asylum in another country?” the interviewer suddenly shot out with a deadpan expression. Okon was momentarily flustered. But he quickly regained the initiative and his composure.
“ Ah, my brother, you see asylum pass asylum. He get one asylum where food and bush meat dey plenty and he get another asylum dat even dem devil dey run comot from, no money, no light, no food, no work… Make I dey go on?” Okon retorted with a fiendish grin.
“It’s all right. So, what is the Fifth Amendment?” the interviewer demanded.
“I no sabi dat one, but he get dem Mushin tailor who dey tell me say him done do seven amendments for my trouser. I come tell am say as I no be thief, amendment no dey kill trouser. So who come born five amendments?” Okon rallied with an ignorant scowl. Even the interviewer could not resist a quiet smirk.
“So how many wives have you got?” the interviewer asked as he reached the end of his patience.
“One full one and one half one, so dat one be one plus one over two”, the mad fellow replied with convoluted mathematics.
“Meaning what?” the interviewer screamed at the crazy chap.
“You see I get one but dem never give me cerfiticate of occupancy for no 2. I beg dem Fashola and dem Ambode boys sotey but dem no answer. So, I come tell dem say na poor man’s wife dem fit take no be him pikin”. At this point, the interviewer was getting discomfited and thoroughly uneasy.
“What special skills are you bringing to America?” demanded the harried interviewer.
“Ha thank you, my brother. Skill plenty and kill plenty. You never hear the case of dem yeye boy who come give four of dem American policewomen belly for inside cell for one year? Me, I fit do six for one month. He get time like dat for Calabar when dem come put me among dem room to give women obonge yansh. After one month dem come remove me becos all dem women come dey spit for morning”.
At this point, even the interviewer seemed to have had enough as he quickly packed his papers. “We will get in touch with you”, he announced as he flew through the stairs.
“Which kind get in touch be dat? No be when person don fail exam dem dey say dat? So wey my change?” Okon stuttered as he pursued the poor fellow in blind rage. He had caught up with him as the poor fellow made a frantic escape bid through the back door. As he pounced on him scattering his papers and files to the wind, policemen emerged from the blues and promptly arrested Okon.
