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Tag: overcome

  • How to overcome suicide and suicidal thoughts

    Suicide, taking your own life, is a tragic reaction to stressful life situations — and all the more tragic because suicide can be prevented. Whether you’re considering suicide or know someone who feels suicidal, learn suicide warning signs and how to reach out for immediate help and professional treatment. You may save a life — your own or someone else’s.

    It may seem like there’s no way to solve your problems and that suicide is the only way to end the pain. But you can take steps to stay safe — and start enjoying your life again

     

    Symptoms

    Suicide warning signs or suicidal thoughts include:

    • Talking about suicide — for example, making statements such as “I’m going to kill myself,” “I wish I were dead” or “I wish I hadn’t been born”
    • Getting the means to take your own life, such as buying a gun or stockpiling pills
    • Withdrawing from social contact and wanting to be left alone
    • Having mood swings, such as being emotionally high one day and deeply discouraged the next
    • Being preoccupied with death, dying or violence
    • Feeling trapped or hopeless about a situation
    • Increasing use of alcohol or drugs
    • Changing normal routine, including eating or sleeping patterns
    • Doing risky or self-destructive things, such as using drugs or driving recklessly
    • Giving away belongings or getting affairs in order when there’s no other logical explanation for doing this
    • Saying goodbye to people as if they won’t be seen again
    • Developing personality changes or being severely anxious or agitated, particularly when experiencing some of the warning signs listed above

    Warning signs aren’t always obvious, and they may vary from person to person. Some people make their intentions clear, while others keep suicidal thoughts and feelings secret.

    When to see a doctor

    If you’re feeling suicidal, but you aren’t immediately thinking of hurting yourself:

    • Reach out to a close friend or loved one — even though it may be hard to talk about your feelings
    • Contact a minister, spiritual leader or someone in your faith community
    • Call a suicide hotline
    • Make an appointment with your doctor, other health care provider or mental health provider

    Suicidal thinking doesn’t get better on its own — so get help.

    Causes

    Suicidal thoughts have many causes. Most often, suicidal thoughts are the result of feeling like you can’t cope when you’re faced with what seems to be an overwhelming life situation. If you don’t have hope for the future, you may mistakenly think suicide is a solution. You may experience a sort of tunnel vision, where in the middle of a crisis you believe suicide is the only way out.

    There also may be a genetic link to suicide. People who complete suicide or who have suicidal thoughts or behavior are more likely to have a family history of suicide.

     

    Risk factors

    Although attempted suicide is more frequent for women, men are more likely than women to complete suicide because they typically use more-effective methods, such as a firearm.

    You may be at risk of suicide if you:

    • Feel hopeless, worthless, agitated, socially isolated or lonely
    • Experience a stressful life event, such as the loss of a loved one, military service, a breakup, or financial or legal problems
    • Have a substance abuse problem — alcohol and drug abuse can worsen thoughts of suicide and make you feel reckless or impulsive enough to act on your thoughts
    • Have suicidal thoughts and have access to firearms in your home
    • Have an underlying psychiatric disorder, such as major depression, post-traumatic stress disorder or bipolar disorder
    • Have a family history of mental disorders, substance abuse, suicide, or violence, including physical or sexual abuse
    • Have a medical condition that can be linked to depression and suicidal thinking, such as chronic disease, chronic pain or terminal illness
    • Are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender with an unsupportive family or in a hostile environment
    • Attempted suicide before

     

    Children and teenagers

    Suicide in children and teenagers often follows stressful life events. What a young person sees as serious and insurmountable may seem minor to an adult — such as problems in school or the loss of a friendship. In some cases, a child or teen may feel suicidal due to certain life circumstances that he or she may not want to talk about, such as:

    • Having a psychiatric disorder, including depression
    • Loss or conflict with close friends or family members
    • History of physical or sexual abuse
    • Problems with alcohol or drugs
    • Physical or medical issues, for example, becoming pregnant or having a sexually transmitted infection
    • Being the victim of bullying
    • Being uncertain of sexual orientation
    • Reading or hearing an account of suicide or knowing a peer who died by suicide

     

    Murder and suicide

    In rare cases, people who are suicidal are at risk of killing others and then themselves. Known as a homicide-suicide or murder-suicide, some risk factors include:

    • History of conflict with a spouse or romantic partner
    • Current family legal or financial problems
    • History of mental health problems, particularly depression
    • Alcohol or drug abuse
    • Having access to a firearm — nearly all murder-suicides are committed using a gun

     

    Lifestyle and home remedies

    There’s no substitute for professional help when it comes to treating suicidal thinking and preventing suicide. However, there are a few things that may reduce suicide risk:

    • Avoid drugs and alcohol.

    Alcohol and street drugs can worsen suicidal thoughts. They can also make you feel less inhibited, which means you’re more likely to act on your thoughts.

    • Form a strong support network.

    That may include family, friends or members of your church, synagogue or other place of worship. Religious practice has been shown to help reduce the risk of suicide.

    • Get active.

    Physical activity and exercise have been shown to reduce depression symptoms. Consider walking, jogging, swimming, gardening or taking up another form of physical activity that you enjoy.

     

    Coping and support

    Don’t try to manage suicidal thoughts or behavior entirely on your own. You need professional help and support to overcome the problems linked to suicidal thinking. In addition:

    • Go to your appointments.

    Don’t skip therapy sessions or doctor’s appointments, even if you don’t want to go or don’t feel like you need to.

    • Take medications as directed.

    Even if you’re feeling well, don’t skip your medications. If you stop, your suicidal feelings may come back. You could also experience withdrawal-like symptoms from abruptly stopping an antidepressant or other medication.

    • Learn about your condition.

    Learning about your condition can empower and motivate you to stick to your treatment plan. If you have depression, for instance, learn about its causes and treatments.

    • • Pay attention to warning signs. Work with your doctor or therapist to learn what might trigger your suicidal feelings.

    Learn to spot the danger signs early, and decide what steps to take ahead of time. Contact your doctor or therapist if you notice any changes in how you feel. Consider involving family members or friends in watching for warning signs.

  • Proven ways Nigeria can overcome economic recession Anglican Bishop Akamisoko

    Proven ways Nigeria can overcome economic recession Anglican Bishop Akamisoko

    If there is one thing the Bishop of the Diocese of Kubwa, Anglican Communion, the Rt. Rev. Duke Akamisoko, is passionate about, it is the urgent need for the government to address the current economic recession with more vigour before it gets out of hand. In this interview with Deputy Editor, YOMI ODUNUGA and Correspondent, FAITH YAHAYA, the historian clergyman goes back in time to explain how the Federal Government  can get Nigeria out of the woods. Excerpts:

    celeb-world-1The government has officially announced that we are in a recession and people need to tighten their belts. As a member of the community and a Bishop of the Anglican Communion, what would you advise members of your congregation and other Nigerians to do to scale through this recession?

    The fact that our government has told us that we are in a recession leaves no one in a doubt. You don’t need to go to a school of economics to know the hard and the difficult times we live in. The other economic jargons and theories belong to the academic world. The reality is on ground: we are definitely in a recession. I don’t know whether to term it a mere recession or a great recession; the type that occurred in America 1929 to 1930. There are different levels of recession. There is the famous one known to the world which America tackled in 1929 to 1930. They call it the great recession. Unemployment was high, food was scarce and people could barely feed themselves. There was a great drought in the land. Agricultural production dropped and it was regarded as the great recession. America had a recent one in 2006 or 2007, but that was not regarded as a great recession. It was tackled.

    All over the world, a recession is not supposed to last more than one year. Even the great recession, it was said that if it should last more than a year, it would create a very serious crisis. So, the one of 2007, which lasted for six to eight months, they found a solution to it. So the fact that we have a recession in Nigeria is no doubt, but it should not be allowed to last too long. One of the key instruments for addressing recession is the government. The government has 80 per cent role to play to halt a recession. What we need to do is to study the countries that had recession. The information is there about how these people halted the recessions in the UK, the US and Japan. When Japan had the World War that destroyed Hiroshima and Nagasaki, what did they do to halt it? The government increased working hours.

    The Allied Forces bombed Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Industries were destroyed, people died and, in fact, they entered into what they called Great Recession. But what did Japan do? It quickly increased the working hours by more than 50 per cent for people to be working day and night, and it was the government that spearheaded it. They made policies. They said we are in a crisis moment, this is not the time to sleep, argue or blame the Americans that bombed us. They increased the working hours and before you know it, Japan came out of it. This government is not increasing working hours. Rather, we are reducing them. It is dangerous to reduce working hours in a recession. You need to sleep less when you are in a recession. If your house is on fire, you don’t declare more days of sleep. Do you?

    In fact, there are two All Progressives Congress states that give me pain: Benue and Imo. You are in a recession and you say your workers should work for only three days and stay at home to farm for two days. That is nonsense. The workers will just go home and sleep. If they say as a civil servant, you shouldn’t come to work on Thursday and Friday, you should go to farm, is there anyone who would force you to go to the farm? They will just be sleeping and eating whatever you have. In Benue, it is the same thing. This is not the way to solve economic recession.

     There is also the argument that the civil service system we run in Nigeria is not functional or productive. If we say the civil servants should work for five days, where is the work to be done? How does that add value to the economy?

    It is the problem of government. In Israel, the civil service is productive. Structures are put in place to make them productive. You can imagine the revenue you can generate through properties in Abuja. In the UK, 62 to 70 per cent of their revenue comes from property. The number of property you see coming up in Abuja, do you see them in the UK? Even as we are talking now, people are building. You don’t see that in the UK, but 60 per cent of the revenue of UK is from property, tourism and other things. It is the civil service that goes after the people to bring the money in. Tax on property alone in Abuja, I am not talking about Lagos, Port-Harcourt. And who are the people that do this? It is the civil service that is galvanised to bring the money in. You go to the civil service, you don’t give them anything to do, what do they do?

    There is a lot of work to do, but our people are not creative enough. They are not full of ideas. Talk of just traffic offence. About five or six years ago in the UK, they appointed a commissioner, the man put CCTV camera all round. The parliament of the British said it was too much money, but he told them not to worry, that he would get it back in less than one year and make more. He put it everywhere. There are People who flout traffic rules in Nigeria daily but we do not even have the database. In advanced countries like the UK, if you flout traffic rule, they call you, you pay. Less than a year, he got the money and they are making a lot of money now from traffic offence alone. There was a time in Abuja they put those things and I thought it would work, but it didn’t. Our civil servants are indolent.

    I worked in the civil service. In fact if you have ideas, they would kill it. You are better off when you are outside the civil service of Nigeria because you are just there for the salary. In Israel, in every department, they do not have the problem of reviewing people’s salary. The argument is this: there is no department that is not generating revenue, be it defence or finance, you must generate income. The basic rule is that whatever you generate, you take 60 per cent, while the rest goes to the government. This idea of spoon-feeding us with oil money is not done in Israel. And they pay their workers well. If you know that the money you are going to generate is where you are going to feed from, you will work well.

    Now that the government is talking about diversification by going into agriculture and mining, and some states have taken it upon themselves to say these set of workers can take this number of days off to farm, why should you be skeptical about such moves?

    The problem of this country is not agriculture. During this farming season, there is food everywhere. Yam, tomatoes, whatever litter everywhere. Farming is not the issue. They are emphasising it wrongly. In America, less than three per cent of the population go to farm. Less than five per cent of Israel’s population own farms. Modern day farming is not about carrying cutlass and hoe to plant groundnut and maize. What we are not emphasizing is food processing and industrialisation of food. In America, about 15 per cent of the population is involved in this sector, while less than three per cent is involved in farming. It is not going to farm that is our problem. Despite the fact that a large percentage of our land is not farmed and countries that want to farm and farm well do not farm with rainy season. Israel does not farm with rainy season. I studied agriculture in Israel. When I was there, a lady said you only have rain in Israel for three weeks, and the food we are eating comes from them throughout the year.

    When we say we farm with rain, they are surprised and they say you people are not serious. Rain? What is rain? They do not see rain in Israel. In America, they do not farm with rain. If rainy season goes now, all the food we are eating now will become waste everywhere. Bananas, oranges, mangoes, are all wasted. There is no storage facility. If we store them, we would have food throughout the year.

    Do you subscribe to the argument that we are in this recession because not much money is coming from oil and gas?

    No. In fact, the money we are getting presently, $44 per barrel, during Goodluck’s time when he was able to stabilise the Niger Delta, we were getting up to 2.5 and 2.2 million barrels per day. I don’t know whether we are getting up to 1.5 million barrels per day or whatever, and that is why this government is not trying to stabilise and bring peace to the Niger Delta. You know for now that is the only source of your problem. You must put everything to bring peace there and not with guns and arrows. What Goodluck did, if I am the one, I will still do it. Those boys there, you give them peanuts to safe guard those things for you, compared to what you are going to get out of it. They want to be part of what is in their environment, and you cannot question it. Ask those boys, every day, you are giving them one billion naira and they would secure those installations and then you would be getting 2.5 million barrels per day. Multiply it by $40 per day. Most countries do not get that kind of income every day. And if you manage it well, you will go to places. It is wrong to carry gun and carry machine gun that you are going to the Niger Delta to kill those boys.

    When you are in recession, you quickly know what is your area of advantage? The one you are talking about, agriculture or mining, it is not a one-day issue. In fact, the infrastructure is not there. Go to South Africa, which is mining gold, we can’t meet them in the next 10 years. It is not just digging gold from the ground or digging tin and putting it in the basket. That is not what we are talking about. That is not mining. It is not the type of mining we did during the time of the colonial masters; that they would dig the raw materials and took them to go and refine in their place. Today, you must purify your gold, bring them to international standard before you can even leave your country. We don’t even have the structures.

    This government is getting it wrong with the way they are fighting the militants in the Niger Delta.

    Presently, $40 and you are able to secure the Niger Delta, pacify them. It is not war. They are bona fide citizens of this country. The elders want to benefit. The political statesmen are part of the system. All you need to do, they need something. That was what Goodluck did. What you are going to get in return is far more than what you give them. The main source of our revenue, we are destroying it. We are depleting it more and more.

    What do you do in recession? You must do everything you can to bring peace there. And the secret is easy: call those boys, give them something and they will secure the place for you and you would get more. If you are getting 2.5 barrel per day with $40 and you have creative thinkers, you would do a lot.

    In recession, you must inspire the people. You must give them hope. You must inspire confidence. The ministers must not tell us every day that we are in recession. It is too negative. The president must be talking every day. In recession, he is the captain of the ship. He must always be on television, radio, internet and on other channels of communication, inspiring hope, confidence, goodwill in the people.

    Japan, when they were bombed, it was recently they reconciled with America. It was not an issue to them. That is not the issue. The government should increase working hours, increase hope, increase enthusiasm of the people.

    Look at the issue of herdsmen that is getting out of hand.. when you google and look for countries that have cattle, you will see that Nigeria is not even on the list. Brazil and Holland, which have the largest herds of cattle in the world, and even Argentina, you will not see one cow on the road. Holland, which produces the largest milk and meat to the world, you don’t have confrontation with cows. You don’t know where they are, and they are making millions. How much do we make from cows? The one that they are talking about grazing land and grazing route in the 21st century, that is wrong. My worry is that some of these things we are not doing well, other countries are doing them well and they are not far.`

    Google to see how many cows we even have as a country and you will discover that we don’t even have statistics. Countries which have 23 million, 44 million cows, you go there and you don’t see one. They are all in ranches looking fat and producing milk and meat. The cows stay in one place, they give them food. They are just like humans; if they are stationed in a place, eating and drinking, you will discover that they will add weight. It is a natural law. The same thing with cows, the ones that don’t move, and when they are not moving, they don’t need much food. In fact, we were told in Israel that all they need is small grass and plenty water. This one they are trekking from Kano to Lagos and by the time they get there, they will be worn out and there won’t be meat again. If you notice, most athletes, especially the ones that run, you will discover that they don’t have fat.

     How do we then start rebuilding in a recession?

    It is the government that will take the lead. In agriculture, for example, in Israel, if you want to farm, the government will ask you for the land. When you identify it, all the equipment that will be needed will be brought for you. All you need do is to pay 50 per cent of the money. The government is going to pay the remaining because they said as an industrialised farmer, you are contributing to the growth of the economy and you are also tax-free as a farmer. The civil servants pay heavy tax and people who have houses pay tax. As I am talking now, the government has reduced subsidy on fertiliser. A friend of mine who farms told me that he bought a bag of fertiliser three weeks ago for N10,000, and we say we want to encourage agriculture? We say we want to diversify to agriculture with that kind of amount for fertiliser.

    In Israel, the government will ensure that before you start farming on your land, they run water, light and access road there. The government will take road down there so that your products can easily be brought out for a ready market. When the farm produce is ready, it is the government that takes control of it because export is not an individual thing. Rather, it is a government to government relationship. By jet, they take it to the US from Israel in less than four hours. What I am saying is not new. There are countries that have gone through this and have come out of it and they are doing well. We should take example from them. This is not the time for political slogans or rally; it is time of putting creative minds and ideas to push us out of recession.

    What we need is available to us as a country. When you are in recession, you don’t gather people along political lines. This is not the issue of political party. You look for men, irrespective of their political affiliation, if they can give you a solution, you put them. We have so many of them but we are not using them. As we are talking now, Dangote is still making profit and opening new companies even outside the country.

    If you were asked to advise this government, what would you say?

    My advice will be that the president, ministers, governors should create time for more work. They must bring the best of the brains and assemble them to help us, irrespective of party lines or geopolitical zones. Appointments must be on merit. They must place people who are sound in critical areas of the economy. They must put people who have the ideas. He should not patronise friends, in-laws, uncles and political associates. They don’t solve your problems for you, especially when you are in a recession. Creative minds should be assembled as quickly as possible at the local government and state levels.

    All agricultural implements must be heavily subsidised in recession for people to farm. And we are not talking about farming with cutlass and hoe. We must emphasise food processing. Ivory Coast is one of the largest producers of Cocoa today in the world. They produce it and give it to the West, which is alarming. Those people producing cocoa, poverty is very high amongst them. A CNN correspondent went there and he took chocolate from UK and US to Ivory Coast, and they were asking what it was. He told them that it is the cocoa they transport to other countries. While the West is making heavy profit from cocoa by processing it, the producers are very poor. We should go into food processing and industrialise processing of food.

     

  • Nigeria ‘ll overcome economic recession, says Saraki

    Nigeria ‘ll overcome economic recession, says Saraki

    Senate President, Dr. Bukola Saraki, yesterday said Nigeria would overcome the current period of economic recession.

    Speaking with State House correspondents after observing the Friday Jumaat prayer with President Muhammadu Buhari at the Presidential Villa, Abuja, Saraki urged Nigerians to be patient.

    According to him, the leaders of the country are very much aware of the economic hardship in the land.

    The leaders, he said, are also feeling the people’s pains.

    He urged all Nigerians to support President Buhari in order to succeed.

    The Senate President wished Nigerians, especially the Muslim faithful, a happy Sallah celebration.

    He said: “With prayer , we will overcome it (economic recession). The most important thing is for us to stay together and give the President support and continue to believe in this great country that we all have and be rest assured that we will all weather the storm and scale through together.

    “Once again, as a country in this period, we will continue to pray. On Sunday, the day of Arafat, we offer prayer for our leaders and President so that we can do what is right because we feel the pain. We know what the country is going through.

    “Because there is no Nigerian with blood flowing through that will not know that things are difficult now and we pray that with God’s guidance, He will see us through”.

  • Bode George: PDP ‘ll overcome its challenges

    Bode George: PDP ‘ll overcome its challenges

    Former Deputy National Chairman of the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP), Chief Olabode George, spoke with EMMANUEL OLADESU and MUSA ODOSHIMOKHE in Lagos on the crisis in the opposition party, the Edo primary and other partisan issues.

    Senator Sheriff has described the Edo governorship primary as illegal. What is your reaction?

    My reaction to that is that as my friend, I appeal to him because I have known him even before I came into politics. I was in the Navy, when I knew him. That kind of statement portends two areas of concern for the party. So, as a friend, I want to appeal to him that he should distance himself away from this political lunacy, because there is a subsisting legal directive that he should not parade himself as chairman of the party. So, what other authority does he want? He should have respect for the rule of law.

    There was a directive from a court that there should be no election into the office of chairman, secretary, and auditor. The party complied, and there was no election into those positions. According to our constitution, the convention has a right to set up a committee it deems fit. So, legally, the Ahmed Markafi Committee is constitutionally established and it has the right to manage the party until the next convention. Sheriff has ceased to be chairman of the party.

    This crisis has prevented the PDP from playing the role of a vibrant opposition…

    What he does not understand is that the PDP is not the All Nigerian Peoples Party (ANPP). The PDP is a formidable grassroots political party and we have an incredible resilience. Of course, it is affecting our focus because of the court injunctions; political parties are not run that way.

    I want to say also that we should take part of the blame, because when this judicial rascality came into the party, there is a section in the party’s constitution that forbids any individual from going to court without exhausting all the avenues within the party. So, most of these people who headed to court, thereby creating unnecessary diversion, should have been fired according to the party’s law.

    Everybody kept quiet because they didn’t want to offend anybody. So, if you don’t like heat, get out of the kitchen. This is a party that has rules and regulations which were conceived by the founding fathers.

    It is believed that the APC may have planted Sheriff in the PDP? What is your take on this?

    I do not have concrete facts, but if you look at the behavioural pattern, what would you conclude? He is playing dirty politics. If you don’t put up the real story, rumours would start flying. Whether it is true or not, I am advising him not to be a cannon fodder. He should not be used by others; what would be his benefit? Does he intend to decimate the PDP? He can’t achieve it. The PDP is deeply-rooted with the people. Yes, we made our mistakes, we have learned our lessons and we are ready to present new managers for the party. We must convince Nigerians that we are ready to manage them again.

    What is your position on the decision of the EFCC to freeze the bank account of Governor Fayose?

    I am going to be like an elder here. Ayo is my son, the first time he came to be a governor; it was impressive. Two wrongs cannot make a right. I read a presentation by a lawyer on the matter and I also read the EFCC version of the accusation leveled against him. My plea is this, as a concerned Nigerian; we still have the rule of law and everybody must subject himself to it. The EFCC cannot do anything to him because of Section of 308. They should be patient, because the law is no respecter of anybody. I have gone through my own experiences; the law is still there. They want to fight him because they said Ayo made certain comments against the First Lady. If it is proven that it is wrong, I know Ayo would be the first to jump up and apologise. But, two wrongs cannot make a right.

    The position of the EFCC was well stated in the newspaper, but how many people would read that? So, they should balance it.

    What is your reaction to the faceoff between the Senate and the Presidency?

    My take would be like a spectator, because I am not directly involved. I think this is the time for some senior Nigerians, former presidents, and elders to get involved. The government is a tripod; if one leg is wobbling, then there is instability; if two legs are wobbling, then the instability is increased. Now, of course, the judiciary won’t talk even if they are aggrieved.

    It does not matter whether it is party A or party B. Recently, the President had a meeting with the National Assembly members during his one year anniversary. I believe something should be done. If it were our government and our party, the Board of Trustees (BoT) would have waded in, because that’s one of their functions. I don’t know whether they have a BoT or not; if they don’t have, they have elders.

    When I listened to the language on the floor, I was a bit scared. Is it so bad? Where are the leaders of the party? If the Senate President and his deputy are being charged to court for alleged forgery, it gives me worry, and they should play it very gently.

    There is no problem in the PDP. Sheriff, who has just joined us, Wale Oladipo and the other young man, for auditor or whatever, should go home quietly. All the other zones are stable and we would do the elections and compete with vigour that God gave us and battle Edo to give Edo people brand new government.

    There is this impression that Southwest is backing Sheriff, because Buruji, Oladipo and others are angling to become eventual leaders in the region…

    The point is this: you cannot but find Buruji’s hand in all these. His tentacles are all over the place. He is an ardent supporter of Wale Oladipo and Adewole Adeyanju. Now, I want to talk to both of them to cast their minds back when they were being nominated to represent the Southwest. We had a meeting in my house in Abuja, they had so many other contenders. All the other zones had nominated their own exco members. When the elders met, they were there. We begged those competing with them to step down. We did not go to the field looking like an untutored and uncultured zone. That was what we did. Now, they are trying to use the old Akintola taku mentality; that is why they have refused to leave. They went there representing Yoruba people. A professor, Wale, a professor of some kind of physical or scientific nomenclature, I would expect him to have a deeper and more rational mind; a reflective mind that portrays what we in my part of the world call Omoluwabi.

  • How Nigeria can overcome power challenge, by U.S. envoy

    How Nigeria can overcome power challenge, by U.S. envoy

    United States Ambassador to Nigeria Mr. James Entwistle has urged the Federal Government to create an enabling environment that will encourage large private power companies to invest in the energy sector.

    The U.S, according to him, sees the private power sector as the solution to the many power challenges that facing Nigeria.

    Entwistle spoke when he visited the Minister of Science and Technology, Mr. Ogbonnaya Onu, in Abuja.

    He advocated for a stronger private sector participation in the energy sector.

    The U.S., the ambassador said, has assisted Nigeria with nuclear energy support.

    “What we have done in nuclear energy in the past with Nigeria has been related to safety and we are very committed to increase the power sector through our Power Africa Programme and that is more with increasing generation through the private sector,” he said.

    On Onu’s request for technology transfer in the area of biotechnology, he said: “The U.S. would want to see what the minister has in mind specifically and anything that he sends to us. We shall look at it with great interest and see what is possible that can be done as fast as possible.”

    He said it was important for Nigeria to collaborate with the U.S. Government to tap from its experience and technology as well as boost trade cooperation among African countries.

    Onu said his ministry would explore the “excellent working relationship with the U.S.”.

    The minister said job creation was imperative to address the challenges facing Nigerians.

    He added that the ministry would come up with programmes that would propel the nation to prominence in science and technology.

    The minister lauded the U.S. for its activities to improve the standard of living in Africa, particularly in Nigeria.

  • How to overcome common sexual problems I

    What is Sex? Sex is perceived as taking place between one individual, not being a child that carries XY and another individual, not being a child that carries XX genes. That is to say, sex is deemed to take place between two consenting adults of opposite genders. Sex occurs when the male penis enter the female vagina. Sexual problems in men can be and usually is different from the sexual problems in women. In some occasions, these problems are similar. We will attempt to look at common problems in both genders. Common Sexual Problem in Men: Erectile dysfunction otherwise known as impotence by the public is a persistent inability of the man to get and maintain a penile erection that is sufficient for a sexual intercourse. What makes for an erection and what causes erection to occur? In individual, an erection would normally occur:

    Stage 1:

    1) At the thought of sex, via fresh imagination or a recall from memory/past experience of sexual encounters.

    2) Seeing the actual image of sex. This can be in form of video, pictures or real life sexual scene. The crucial issue is that, the person must receive some data and information into the brain, about sex. With these, a quick succession of events is activated. The hormones, testosterone and others are activated in the blood and other hormones are released to effect the erection.

    3) Talk of sex or discussion about sex.

    4) Feeling of sex: hearing of sex scenes, smelling, touching-feeling of sex. Note that, the above-mentioned set of events takes place at the level of the brain and mind. With the mind involved, the person imagines having sex as the mental picture of sex is formed in the mind of the individual. This is called conditioning and often occurs in readiness for sex. Then and thereafter the “conditioning”, the organ of penis is “instructed” by the brain to more or less get “ready” and the blood flow is activated to flow and fill those organs designed for sex.

    Stage 2:

    5) Following the above, the blood flow to the penis will increase considerably in a way similar to filling your garden rubber pipe used for watering the flowers, with the open end of the pipe tied or closed. The penis becomes turgid.

    6) With these, the muscles of the penis become firm and pointed in readiness for penetration of vagina. Erection may therefore fail if:

    • There is problem or blockade with your imagination.
    • There is problem with sensation of sight, smell, tough and hearing. •There is an abnormality with the production of hormones especially testosterones which can occur in diseases of the pituitary/brain or poor function or absent of the testes (“balls”). The hormone testosterone may also not function properly to hit the appropriate sex target even if the hormones are present as in some other situations. Testosterone along with other hormones controls the stages of sex.
    • When there is a disease that affects the blood flow to the penis such as diabetes mellitus, high blood pressure and stroke, erection may fail.
    • You cannot get erection if you don’t have a penis.
    • Your erection may fail due to some medications that act on the brain and nerve supply to your penis. 7) You may not have erection if bad words, discouraging words and non-encouraging circumstances are present within.

    These words and circumstances can be a bad memory of sex. Any previous education that says sex is bad may hinder erection. Your erection may fail if you receive bad and discouraging words from your spouse or sex partner. 8) You may not have erection if you suffer as a result of bad words and physical experience and painful memory. Anxiety and depression (both affecting the brain) may also cause impotence. Erection may fail if you are suffering from other painful or diseases that limit your freedom. 9) You may fail in getting erection if you feel guilty as in some religious guilt and criminal guilt especially if you have committed previous sexual crimes and you are now truly remorseful and feeling guilty. 10) Misuse of substances such as alcohol that depresses the brain activity may also lead to impotence. Impact of erectile failure (impotence) 1) Clearly, the first thing is that you cannot have a normal enjoyable sexual intercourse. 2) Your ability to reproduce/have children biologically by your own effort is much diminished except you use other artificial methods. 3) It may cause a lot of strain/conflict between you and your spouse. 4) It may result in more anxiety and or depression because you have a sense of failure. 5) It may cause you to spend huge amount of money looking for solutions even bizarre and worthless solutions.

    Solutions

    1. It would appear logical that the best approach would be for individuals to look at the above causes and address those issues that he (including the spouse) can deal with such as encouraging words even by yourself and from the sex partner. Other means are, pursuing the path of treating existing diseases such as blood pressure and diabetes. Using appropriate and legitimate sexual images may also help to stimulate erection. Seeing suitable and appropriate sexual images may help to trigger the brain into action.
    2. If you have tried and you failed, the next stage would be to seek professional input and investigation as to the cause of the impotence. Medical professionals would then apply or recommend appropriate remedy including artificial remedies if appropriate. Medications may also be used if necessary. Note should be taken, that erectile failure is the forerunner, in some people, of failure to ejaculate (release of semen). Erection, it seems, is necessary for semen release. Failure to ejaculate may also be due to other causes such as the simple fact that there is actually nothing to ejaculate as in diseases of the organs that produce the semen.

  • How to overcome common sexual problems Part 1

    What is Sex? Sex is perceived as taking place between one individual, not being a child that carries XY and another individual, not being a child that carries XX genes. That is to say, sex is deemed to take place between two consenting adults of opposite genders. Sex occurs when the male penis enter the female vagina. Sexual problems Sexual problems in men can be and usually is different from the sexual problems in women. In some occasions, these problems are similar. We will attempt to look at common problems in both genders. Common Sexual Problem in Men Erectile Dysfunction Erectile dysfunction otherwise known as impotence by the public is a persistent inability of the man to get and maintain a penile erection that is sufficient for a sexual intercourse. What makes for an erection and what causes erection to occur? In individual, an erection would normally occur:

    Stage 1:

    1) At the thought of sex, via fresh imagination or a recall from memory/past experience of sexual encounters.

    2) Seeing the actual image of sex. This can be in form of video, pictures or real life sexual scene. The crucial issue is that, the person must receive some data and information into the brain, about sex. With these, a quick succession of events is activated. The hormones, testosterone and others are activated in the blood and other hormones are released to effect the erection.

    3) Talk of sex or discussion about sex.

    4) Feeling of sex: hearing of sex scenes, smelling, touching-feeling of sex. Note that, the above-mentioned set of events takes place at the level of the brain and mind. With the mind involved, the person imagines having sex as the mental picture of sex is formed in the mind of the individual. This is called conditioning and often occurs in readiness for sex. Then and thereafter the “conditioning”, the organ of penis is “instructed” by the brain to more or less get “ready” and the blood flow is activated to flow and fill those organs designed for sex.

    Stage 2:

    5) Following the above, the blood flow to the penis will increase considerably in a way similar to filling your garden rubber pipe used for watering the flowers, with the open end of the pipe tied or closed. The penis becomes turgid.

    6) With these, the muscles of the penis become firm and pointed in readiness for penetration of vagina. Erection may therefore fail if:

    • There is problem or blockade with your imagination.
    • There is problem with sensation of sight, smell, tough and hearing. •There is an abnormality with the production of hormones especially testosterones which can occur in diseases of the pituitary/brain or poor function or absent of the testes (“balls”). The hormone testosterone may also not function properly to hit the appropriate sex target even if the hormones are present as in some other situations. Testosterone along with other hormones controls the stages of sex.
    • When there is a disease that affects the blood flow to the penis such as diabetes mellitus, high blood pressure and stroke, erection may fail.
    • You cannot get erection if you don’t have a penis.

  • For Osun to overcome

    I do not subscribe to the notion that Nigeria is a great and rich country. I hiss at the mention of these two words by anyone, no matter how highly placed and/or intelligent, which makes me to immediately lose interest in the person’s speech, no matter its veracity. Nigeria is neither great nor rich. What can best describe her station is that she has the potential to be great and rich. And potential is just that – potential. Like a person, a nation can bring her potential into existence within the “shelf-life” of that potential. Or she may never. A country that is far behind in all indices of societal development cannot be considered great. But of course, Nigeria is a ‘great’ country for that someone who simply evacuated billions of naira of his country’s pensioners into his private account and still walks around with soldiers and policemen as bodyguards, with a National Honour to boot. It is also no doubt the ‘greatest’ country on earth for that chief of state who’s richer than all his state’s indigenes combined, having commandeered their common patrimony by virtue of his position. And when the nation’s judiciary finally summoned enough courage to ‘prosecute’ him, he was fined less than one tenth of one percent of his loot and told to steal no more. Nigeria cannot be a rich country when her entire annual budget is what a university expends annually on Research and Development (R&D) in a country in Europe or a company’s operating budget in North America. What has this to do with Osun State?

    The state, like most states in the federation, has always found it difficult to embark on any meaningful growth and development since their creation because the centre insists that they must be spoon-fed. So, they keep struggling to meet their basic financial obligations such as paying their workers’ salaries and pensions. Some of them are, for all practical purposes, insolvent that were they to be companies they would have gone belly up a long time.

    When the governor of Osun State, Ogbeni Rauf Aregbesola lucidly laid bare all the financial facts of his state at the inauguration of the sixth assembly, it showed courage in leadership where others would have been scared stiff. Governor Aregbesola said, inter alia, that the “problem began in 2012 when our expenditure increased as a result of the spike in minimum wage…Then, our total emoluments rose to N2.7 billion from the N1.4 billion I met in November 2010. By December of that year, it hit N3.5 billion. At the same period, our statutory allocation…increased marginally from N2.1 billion in 2010 to N2.5 billion in December 2012. By July of 2013, our total emoluments hit N4 billion while our statutory allocation was N2.1 billion. By then we had extended the increase to other workers.”

    The governor went on to say that “the summary of five years reveal that in the two months of 2010, we received a net allocation of N4.2 billion and paid a total emoluments of N3.6 billion. This left us with a net gain of N573 million from our statutory allocation. In 2011 also, we got N29.9 billion net statutory allocation and spent N25.8 billion on emoluments with a net gain of N4 billion. However, in 2012, we got N28.4 billion and expended N31.6 billion on emoluments. This left us, for the first time, with a deficit of N3.2 billion. The following year, 2013, our statutory allocation had dropped to N26.4 billion while our emoluments rose to N36.9 billion. This gave us a whopping N10.4 billion deficit. In 2014, our statutory allocation fell further to N19.3 billion and by which time we were already defaulting on some of our obligations on emoluments, which had also dropped to N22.4 billion, but still left us with a deficit of N3 billion. In summary, between November 2010 and December 2014, we got a total statutory allocation of N108.3 billion and our expenditure on emoluments was N120.4 billion. It left us with a total deficit of N12 billion…Even when we add our internally generated revenue, we were still only able to muster N204 billion and still short by N2 billion. It simply means that all our earning from all sources between 2010 and 2014 could not carry our recurrent expenditure (emphasis mine).”

    One need not be a financial wizard to know that this state is in deep financial trouble. So, what’s to be done? Methinks the governor would have used that old school anthem of his, titled “Moment of Decision” written by J. Russel Lowell to reel out his plans of action because it’s now decision time – hard one at that. Knowing that their state is heavy laden and its financial future bleak, I had expected that the current civil service strike would have been immediately called off in sympathy for a governor who had not only promptly paid salaries, but gave them a 13th month bonus in the past, even with the limited resources at his disposal. Aside from our monumental corruption, some of the questions to ask ourselves are why is it that our financial health is always precarious as a nation? Do we really understand capitalism and its principles for it to work well for us? Why are we in delusion of creating wealth when we’re not? Are we operating a capitalist system with socialist mindset, or vice versa? Granted, these questions may be pointless by now, but what the states cannot wish away, Osun inclusive, is that they must embark on some hard and tough choices henceforth.  And here are some suggestions for Governor Aregbesola.

    He must reduce the size of government. The size must be so compact to fit in a briefcase. Thus, some ministries, parastatals and agencies must be scrapped. For example, why should a state whose country’s constitution guarantees religious freedom have Pilgrims Welfare Board? Why should the state pay for people to go on holy pilgrimages? What’s the meaning of Ministry of Women Affairs? Why should there exist a Ministry of Local Government and Chieftaincy Affairs when Local Governments are constitutionally autonomous? Why the Ministry of Sports? Why not recalibrate, say, the Ministry of Information to provide life and well-being-enhancement, wealth-creating information and knowhow to the citizenry?

    Why not convert the vast expanse of land that houses the state secretariat into a middle class community in cohabitation with essential ministries? About three or four buildings of four floors each, with one ministry per floor, clustered around the governor’s office, would do just fine. Most importantly, a state’s workforce that brings in less than N30 million in Internally Generated Revenue (IGR) a month should not be paid N100 million as salaries, let alone N1 billion per month. The state must encourage most of its workers to take early retirement by giving them some lump sums (buy-out) for retiring early while their pensions are in abeyance for a few years. After this, Governor Aregbesola must make several forays into Lagos for some of its companies and line them up along the rail corridor of Osogbo. You first have to get out of the box before you can think out of it otherwise you’re still in a straightjacket, which is where the entire country seems to be. Deliberate policies and actions must be activated if Osun State shall overcome. The time is now.

    •Odere is a media practitioner. He can be reached at femiodere@gmail.com.    

  • ‘We shall overcome’

    ‘We shall overcome’

    Many states are finding it difficult to pay salaries and it is no longer news that Osun is one of such states. Its helmsman Governor Rauf Aregbesola explains that his administration’s inability to pay as at when due is not because of financial recklessness and profligacy. The problem, he insists, began in 2012 with the spike in a minimum wage unilaterally imposed on states by the Federal Government. Besides, the governor says the unending drop in statutory allocation and the dwindling oil prices at the international market have not helped matters. But, in his address at the inauguration of the Sixth Assembly in the Living Spring state, the governor foresees light at the end of the tunnel.

    It gives me great pleasure to declare open the Sixth State Assembly of Osun. Exactly four years ago, I had the privilege of inaugurating the Fifth Assembly. It has pleased God Almighty to entrust into my hand for the second time this sacred duty and I give Him all the praise.

    I congratulate all the honourable members of this house for your election and the unique privilege to be of service to your people and the Osun State.

    But I must first thank the Speaker of the Fifth Assembly, Rt. Hon Najeem Salaam, the leadership and other distinguished and honourable members of the house for their understanding, diligence, cooperation and unalloyed service to their people and the state.

    Before I proceed further, please permit me, as is my custom, to sing the first stanza of my old school anthem titled: ‘Moment of Decision’ written by J Russel Lowell (1819-91).

    Once to every man and nation,

    Comes the moment to decide

    In the strife of truth with falsehood,

    For the good or evil side:

    Some great cause, God’s new Messiah,

    Offering each the bloom or blight:

    And the choice goes by for ever

    ‘Twixt that darkness and that light.

    Your inauguration came at a very critical period in the annals of our state. This is a paradox of a sort. The general elections of late March and early April were a revolution as they, for the first time, saw a genuinely progressive government sweep through the country in most states and the Federal Government. This is a thing of great joy to us, but it also met our state in the condition of a very gripping financial challenge.

    Here again, I must salute and thank our people for their unshakable faith in us and for giving us absolute majority in this house. Your election (and inauguration today) is a resounding vote of confidence in us that we will surmount our challenges and overcome our problems. You cannot disappoint them.

    History will vindicate us. When our administration was inaugurated over four years ago, we met many daunting challenges, including debt burden and infrastructure decay. We set to work, especially with the cooperation of the Fifth Assembly, and began to restore hope for our people, make government meaningful and put the state on a sound and sure footing. You will recall that in less than 100 days, we engaged 20,000 youths in public works through Osun Youth Empowerment Scheme (OYES). Also, through financial engineering, we were able to restructure the debilitating loan we met and put the state on a sound financial traction. We then embarked on an aggressive infrastructure development drive never witnessed before in this state.

    You will recall again, that for nearly a year, we did not constitute a cabinet. This was to enable us make considerable savings. We set about our duty with uncommon vigour and courage. This saw us touching every area of life in education, agriculture, job creation, road construction, culture and tourism, environmental sanitation and beautification, flood control, rural development and so on.

    We were also able to execute the most ambitious and biggest social welfare programme in this country; programmes that impacted directly on every family and household in the state. We were able to integrate government’s spending into the local economy in a way that our spending reflates the economy – enhances productivity, creates jobs, sustains families and households and significantly boost the GDP of the state. These social welfare programmes also constitute a sizeable portion of our recurrent expenditure as we put in place O’YES, O’UNIFORM, O’MEALS, Agba Osun, destitute rehabilitation, O’REAP, O’HUB, cattle ranch, school construction, flood control and so on. We have invested in our people’s development and have sown good seeds into their today and tomorrow.

    In the process, we not only lived within our means, we also made huge savings in two and a half years. We fulfilled our financial obligations to not just to workers and retirees, but to every person doing business with us. When it was time to raise the level of capital projects in the state, we approached financial institutions and within the bounds of best practices, we secured facilities at favourable terms. We never exposed the government unnecessarily. This is contrary to the claims of scoffers and traducers who maliciously painted us as financially reckless and profligate.

    Minimum wage

    From the records, problem began in 2012 when our expenditure increased as a result of the spike in minimum wage. This was when we applied the increase to junior workers only. Then, our total emoluments rose to N2.7 billion from the N1.4 billion I met in November 2010. By December of that year, it hit N3.5 billion. At the same period, our statutory allocation (from where we are required to pay salaries) increased marginally from N2.1 billion in 2010 to N2.5 billion in December 2012.

    By July of 2013, our total emoluments hit N4 billion while our statutory allocation was N2.1 billion. By then we had extended the increase to other workers.

    The summary of five years reveal that in the two months of 2010, we received a net allocation of N4.2 billion and paid a total emoluments of N3.6 billion. This left us with a net gain of N573 million from our statutory allocation.

    Dwindling allocation

    In 2011 also, we got N29.9 billion net statutory allocation and spent N25.8 billion on emoluments with a net gain of N4 billion. However, in 2012, we got N28.4 billion and expended N31.6 billion on emoluments. This left us, for the first time, with a deficit of N3.2 billion. The following year, 2013, our statutory allocation had dropped to N26.4 billion while our emoluments rose to N36.9 billion. This gave us a whopping N10.4 billion deficit. In 2014, our statutory allocation fell further to N19.3 billion and by which time we were already defaulting on some of our obligations on emoluments, which had also dropped to N22.4 billion, but still left us with a deficit of N3 billion. In summary, between November 2010 and December 2014, we got a total statutory allocation of N108.3 billion and our expenditure on emoluments was N120.4 billion. It left us with a total deficit of N12 billion.

    The above scenario only covers our expenditure on salaries and other emoluments, if we are to include other recurrent expenditure, it will give us another scenario. In the period under review, our total recurrent expenditure was N206 billion while our statutory allocation was N108.3 billion. If we add other accruals from Abuja to our income, it will only add up to N176.5 billion and we will still be left with a deficit of almost N30 billion, which means that the state would not have been able to run government. Even when we add our internally generated revenue, we were still only able to muster N204 billion and still short by N2 billion. It simply means that all our earning from all sources between 2010 and 2014 could not carry our recurrent expenditure.

    Falling oil prices

    The drop in statutory allocation in 2013 was attributed to theft of over 400,000 barrels of crude daily but later, the fall in oil price from over $100 to about $50 per barrel only compounded the crisis.

    In 2015, the net statutory allocation in January was N1.25 billion, in February, it was N1.12 billion, in March, it dropped scandalously to N624 million while April figure dropped further to N466 million.

    As I said earlier, our statutory allocation began a precipitous fall in 2013 while our salaries and emoluments began a steady climb. The contrasting state of our allocation from the federation account is highlighted by the peak of our allocation of N5 billion we received in February 2013 against the N466 million we just received for April.

    These details will put a lie to the accusation that we were profligate. How could we have been profligate when our statutory allocation alone cannot meet our obligations on salaries and other emoluments? The financial challenge we faced was enormous and daunting and a disaster was mitigated by our prudent management and sheer financial wizardry that made us to get so much from so little. It could have been worse. We should see the cup as half full, instead of half empty.

    Another factor that raised our emoluments expenditure was our commitment to pensions. When we began in November 2010, we were paying N200 million pension monthly and so for 2010, we committed N400 million. However, in 2011, we increased our monthly pension obligation to N250 million and we had to pay N3 billion in that year. By March of 2012 our pension obligation has risen to N300 million monthly which cost us N3.5 billion for that year. But in December 2012, about 5,000 retirees were added to the 9,000 strong army of pensioners in the state and in the following year, 2013, we increased our monthly pension bill to N520 million and paid out N5 billion in that year. That same year, another set of 3,500 workers retired at the local government to enlist in the local government pension brigade. By the time we started defaulting in 2014, we had already committed a total of N4.9 billion to pensions.

    It is on record that I was the first to raise the alarm in 2013 that the mysterious drop in allocation amounts to waging war against the states. I was vilified then by a section of the press and the Federal Government was not even ready to listen to our cry. No fiscal instrument of succour in stabilisation, augmentation and other assistance was extended to us, even as our allocation continued to drop. It was like they were mocking us by saying: ‘Good for them, their financial ruination will make us to easily defeat them in the coming elections’. But we survived this by the infinite grace of God and the unflinching support of our people to emerge triumphant in the governorship election of 2014 and the general elections earlier this year.

    Great challenge, huge opportunity

    Distinguished honourable members of the House, you are coming in at a time of great challenge, but with great challenge also comes an opportunity for greatness. While our capital expenditure for the period we are reviewing was N85.3 billion, our total recurrent expenditure was N206 billion of which emoluments alone constitute N120.4 billion (58.5 per cent). This makes capital expenditure only 29.3 per cent of our total expenditure. This is anomalous and it calls for creativity and astuteness in raising our revenue profile, balancing our books and reverse the capital-recurrent expenditure ratio, in order to bring development to our people and justify the mandate given to us.

    We have been able to shock and awe our opponents, critics and traducers in the past four years with outstanding performance in all areas. We were able to do this partly because we got facilities from bonds and loans at favourable terms but we still have an outstanding debt of N75 billion. Our outstanding mandatory expenditure in salaries and pensions for 2014 is N13.1 billion. Between January and May this year alone, we have accumulated mandatory expenditure of N16.5 billion in arrears. But we must run the government, provide infrastructure, develop our people through qualitative education, good healthcare services provision and recreation facilities and bring prosperity through job creation and enabling entrepreneurs.

     The parliament is the first refuge of the people because it is composed of lawmakers elected directly to represent their constituencies – make good laws for their governance, secure their welfare and protect their interest. It is from parliament, though under a parliamentary system, that Chief Obafemi Awolowo launched on January 7, 1952 the welfarist and progressive government that kick-started the second stage of Yoruba civilisation with the attendant prosperity and development of Yorubaland in all facets. This challenge is therefore your opportunity to be great and write your name in gold, irrespective of your political party.

    The parliament is also noted as a symbol of the legitimacy of government as expressed in its support by people paying tax. James Otis, it was, who said that taxation without representation is tyranny. This was in protest of the British occupation of the Americas and forcible exaction of taxes from the subjects without political representation at the British Parliament. This led to the rebellion that culminated in American independence in 1776. The converse of this principle is that if it is immoral to exact taxation without representation, by the same token, it will be inappropriate to have representation without the supporting taxation. The time has come for our people to brace up and support the government with their taxes.

    Improving IGR base

    Indeed, the only way we can survive, or any government for that matter, is to generate our own revenue and be self-sufficient. Long before this crisis came, I was the first to make the case for self-reliance and severance of our dependency on allocation from Abuja. We have abundant human and material resources and we can sustain ourselves if we look inwards. The difficult can be done at once; while the impossible only takes a little longer.

    This is our finest hour. We will overcome this challenge. We will fulfil our mandate. We will serve our people. God, who was with us in our first term, will not desert us. We will emerge from this triumphant and stronger and our people will have cause for singing and rejoicing.

     Distinguished lawmakers, ladies and gentlemen, permit me once again, to close with the last stanza of my school anthem.

    ‘Though the cause of evil prosper,

    Yet ‘tis truth alone is strong;

    Though her portion be the scaffold,

    And upon the throne be wrong,

    Yet that scaffold sways the future

    And behind the dim unknown,

    Standeth God within the shadow,

    Keeping watch above his own.’

    Finally, let me thank the honourable lawmakers – the returning members, the outgoing ones and new members. I wish you a successful tenure and good service to your people and the state.

    To the distinguished audience, I thank you all for your kind attention.

    Osun a dara!

  • How to overcome trauma of infidelity

    Hello Harriet, your last week article came at the right time, and after reading it, I must confess that in spite of my feeling of betrayal and pain it gave me, it gave me a better understanding of infidelity. Please, advise me on the way forward. Thanks.

    Mrs. Ndidi, Lagos.

     

    There is no simple answer to why someone becomes unfaithful. It could be a symptom of other problems in the marriage. It could also relate to something in your spouse’s past. You may never truly know why it happened.

    Knowing the type of infidelity we mentioned in our previous edition makes understanding it easier. You must ask questions like: Was it a one-night stand due to a mid-life or life crisis or sexual addiction? Could it be an act of retaliation or entangled affair? What is the motive behind the act? Did the cheating occur to end the marriage?

    Remember that your marriage has changed. You will need to grieve that loss.

    The stages of death and dying (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) are part of the grieving process. It doesn’t mean your marriage can’t be renewed and strengthened because it can. But it will be different.

    You just realise that your spouse has been unfaithful to you. The news of the infidelity has hit you like bricks. As a counsellor, I am to treat both spouses with respect in order to give honest positive and negative feedback  to enable the spouse align effectively.

    I cannot say giving him or her flowers or gifts at this stage is not proper because this stage is like slapping a bandage on a fresh, infected wound. Although some will say as a woman, this is the time for you to make your demands. It might feel like help in the short term, but in reality, it is just covering over deeper problems that will only get worse.

    You have hope that your marriage can survive your spouse cheating on you. But you still fill sick inside when you think about the affair. Here is what you can do to get beyond the hurt.

    You need to understand the type of affair your spouse is involved in. Questions like is it a one-night stand, an entangled affair, or an addiction? Note the solutions to these affairs are different.

    Sexual addiction: There are some steps to be taken. The person  involved in this act of infidelity must admit to himself or herself that there is a problem and  that  there is need to help. Self-realization is a great thing.

    Change of mind set: To guard his or her mind, avoid books, pictures, magazines and videos. Avoid fantasies that stimulate wrong desires.

    Keep away from friends or companies that can lead to this desire.

    Think not of the moment, but rather focus on the future.

    Forgive your unfaithful spouse to save your marriage.

    Difficulty: Time, they say, heals all wounds. The spouse involved will have to work extra hard to gain back the lost trust.

    What has happened has happened. Let’s face it. Give a second chance. Not that the act is right, but if the person is really sorry, forgive, so that you can have a sound mind as well.

    Time Required: It’s going to take a long time for the wound to heal. It is natural to go through the healing process slowly.

    Here’s how: Men and women should understand that they took a vow before God and man to be faithful when getting married, so there is no justification for infidelity. It is wrong and cannot be right, no matter how common it is in the society.

    Polygamy is a different issue. We are addressing those who took a vow before God and man to be one till death do them part.

    Don’t make any major decision about ending your marriage now just because your spouse has been unfaithful. This is the time to do some reflection on your marriage to see what other issues, other than infidelity, need to be recognized and dealt with. If you move out of the house, you are giving room for the person to move in. You have swapped places.

    You are now the one out, while the other person is now the one in.

    Feelings are neither right nor wrong. Accept that your feelings of rage, uncertainty, shock, agitation, fear, pain, depression and confusion about having an unfaithful spouse are normal. To be continued

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter; @bineharriet.