The Nation Newspaper

Tag: PARENTING

  • Nigerian parenting: Past and present

    Nigerian parenting: Past and present

    • By Oluwole Ogundele

    Family is the nucleus of human society that doubles, as the first training ground for children. The nuclear family is made up of a married couple with their children. On the other hand, an extended/expanded family is a bio-social construction with at least three or more generations/genealogies. In the African world-view, parenting is encyclopedic in a number of senses. Parents, neighbours, and/or members of a given community collectively participate in the general or informal education of children. By this token, the social, physical, emotional, and intellectual development of a child is everybody’s business, although biological parents do much more than the other categories of mentors/guardians.

    Greeting people respectfully was too important to be glossed over, especially among the Yoruba children in the past (up to the late 80s).  Thanking people for their gifts or assistance was very compulsory. Indeed, ingratitude and a lack of fellow feeling were unpopular behavioural traits especially among the Yoruba of the south western region of Nigeria. Stubborn children particularly between the ages of five and twelve years minimally got the cane, in line with the traditional culture and/or biblical injunction. Every child as from the age of five years, was made to participate in domestic chores. Salute to my parents in this regard!  Home is the first school for developing children into near-complete angelhood. The parent is like a potter, while the child is comparable to clay which the former, makes into the desired shape before it (the clay) hardens.

    This mode of parenting was usually followed by counselling, especially when a child had finished primary school education. This was before demons and their associates broke loose on much of the Nigerian space.  Today, many parents (usually of loose morals), believe that slightly beating up and/or scolding stubborn, lazy children, are/is an act of barbarity. It is a great pity, that many Nigerians despite their numerous certificates and/or degrees, are still victims of cultural/mental subjugation, a form of debris arising from colonial/neo-colonial education. Nigeria, a microcosm of Africa, has failed to understand the game of the Western world. These brainwashed Nigerians think that such Asian countries as Japan, China, India, and Singapore are crude, for putting indigenous cultures especially languages at the centre of their development agendas. Any society without culture-sensitive education is doomed to failure. Such education starts from home, where the attitudes and desires of children are moderated/supervised.  Rubbishing salient facets of African values under the guise of modernity, is an invitation to a chaotic present and a weak future. There are several provisions in the Child Rights Act supporting heathy nurturing of our children. They emphasize the centrality of indigenous values to a robust upbringing of every child. But are most parents correctly interpreting these provisions? Is the school system also doing enough in this context?

    Permissiveness is un-Nigerian and should not be accepted as a way of life here. Many permissive parents today, are uncritically assimilating Western values into their modes of handling their children. This reflects sheer ignorance of the ontology of indigenous cultures and education. Consequently, such parents expose their children to under-age alcoholic drinking, smoking, and sexual activities, as if they have psychiatric disorders. It is also an offence for their children to speak local languages at home. But despite this shameless showmanship, both the parents and children hardly speak good English. What a colossal tragedy!

    Anybody who is unable to speak and write in his local language has sold himself into slavery. In actuality, a slave has no self-confidence. Again, nobody respects him. Therefore, despite the several challenges and sensitivities of modern life and living, parenting enshrined in the Nigerian values and value systems must not be jettisoned. Most parents are public or private workers who need to make sufficient monies to maintain their families. These parents come back home each day utterly exhausted. Even during week-ends, most of them are usually glued to their laptops and mobile phones or out partying.  The special bond between the parent (particularly the mother) and child hardly exists today. The void left by this kind of parenting makes children to be much more prone to negative peer pressure. For instance, trans-sexualism/cross-dressing (a case of psychological disorder in my world-view), is now gaining in popularity, on the wings of caricatured human rights embedded in uncritical Westernisation. Our todays and tomorrows are being polluted.

    Parenting is more than financial commitments. Indeed, good parenting also requires a commitment of time and energy. Thus, for example, a lot of moral lessons are taught through the lens of a folk tale or history of a lineal descent. Narrating such stories has the capacity to fire the imagination of a child. It is not an attempt to idle the days away.  Creative thinking and writing start from this level of parenting or schooling. Today’s Nigerian school system is to a large extent, defined by weak, culture-insensitive policies as well as programmes.  Again, no sufficient motivation for teachers.  This scenario amounts to double trouble for Nigeria! Occasionally, some parents beat up or harass teachers for disciplining their kids. This is terrible, even though not all teachers are emotionally qualified, to be in that profession, due to their unbridled aggressiveness. Such teachers turn their pupils into punch-bags. Teaching is a sensitive calling rooted in moderation or self-control.

    Read Also: Stakeholders advocate intervention for parenting in Nigeria

    The study system is also becoming increasingly chaotic. Many schools no longer have break times. Study pressure is counter-productive in several respects. Too many subjects are being taught a six-year old pupil, as if he is planning to sit a Cambridge examination. The subjects include Home Economics, Music, Fine Art, French, Basic Science/Technology, Agriculture, and Computer Science. No time and interest in narrating a folk tale in the afternoon. It is too easily forgotten, that such stories are embedded in the accumulated wisdom of Nigerians at different points in time and space. This facet of education should be re-introduced, in order to have children that are environmentally sensitive, responsible, and self-confident. Indeed, the Nigerian primary education needs an urgent overhaul. This paves the way for the production of charismatic citizens, capable of moving and shaking local and global politics in the future. Parents and teachers have to collaborate with the school system in order to craft a much better Nigeria, where peace and sustainable socio-economic development reign supreme. There is need to keep a balance between home and school despite the challenges of modern life and living.  Participating in the new world system, does not mean that the Nigerian epistemologies and/or values have to be rubbished.  Again, parents who pamper or spoil their children are polluting the heart and soul of Nigerian society. Such parents are some of the enemies of this country.  Suffice it to say, that the child and society are intertwining branches of a tree – the future. This is one reason why both the state and federal governments must have oversight of general policies and programmes. They are duty-bound to act (within the sphere of the law) in the interest of the common good. Currently, anarchy looms in Nigeria. Therefore, the stakeholders must not look the other way.

    • Professor Oluwole Ogundele is of the Dept. of Archaeology and Anthropology, University of Ibadan.

  • Parenting dilemmas today

    When I was growing up in Ajegunle village, a cocoa farming outpost in Idanre in the 1940s, my parents were not only respected, but they were also revered. This was especially true of my father, who was regarded as the king of the household. Neither of them went to school and neither of them was literate as they were too busy with their farms to take advantage of the colonial government’s adult education scheme.

    I was the first person in my family to ever go to school. However, my very first school was not the missionary or colonial government’s school. Rather, it was a divination school. I was apprenticed to a diviner to learn the art and science (yes, science) of Ifa divination. It was the establishment of cocoa farmers cooperative society that led my father to withdraw me from divination school for the missionary school. He wanted me to learn to read and write like the secretary of the cooperative society, who would “scribble something” during the farmers’ meetings and later read the minutes of their last meeting to them. This “magic” captivated my father, especially when he became the Treasurer of the society. He wanted me to keep track of the flow of money he needed to account for by keeping accurate records for him.

    Once I learned to read and write, I became fascinated by the widening of my horizon to include people, places, and things I would never have known. I read anything that came my way. As my education advanced, libraries and bookstores became my favourite locations to find something to read. I shared this with a close friend, who has a similar passion for libraries and bookstores, when we read about Vice President Kashim Shettima’s penchant to visit bookstores on his trips.

    Each book I read widened my horizon and improved my knowledge one way or the other. In particular, I learned new words, new sentence structure, and new ways of conveying meaning. I learned how to write and write well from reading books. I encountered some books at every level of my education up to the university, more so because I majored in English at the University of Ife (now Obafemi Awolowo University). For example, I came across a number of Shakespeare’s plays three times at primary, secondary, and university levels. Another book I encountered three times was George Orwell’s Animal Farm. At first, in primary school, it was a beast fable that fits well with the animal fables I learned in my village. I later learned in secondary school that the story meant something else (thanks to Coles Notes). It was a satire reflecting the events leading up to the Russian Revolution. It was in the university that I fully understood Animal Farm as a satirical criticism of Stalinism beyond the idea of revolution (George Orwell, the author, was a sharp critic of Joseph Stalin).

    I provide these glimpses to my biography to show how things have changed from my father’s generation and mine to the present overlapping generations of young people, which experts have styled Generation Z or Gen Z (children born between 1997 and 2012) and Generation Alpha (born between 2013 and 2025).

    The same experts refer to my father’s generation as The Greatest Generation (born between 1901 and 1924), while mine is referred to as the Silent Generation (born between 1925 and 1945).

    The characteristics of each generation vary slightly from one society to another, depending on their peculiar history and social formation. Here in Nigeria, the Greatest Generation is typified by traditional values; respect for culture; strong work ethic; self-sacrifice; determination; and dedication. They are trailblazers in many respects, although most of them never went to school. In my village, they were among the first generation to adopt cash crops—my father planted cocoa and coffee, but the latter did not thrive. The nationalists, who fought for Nigeria’s independence, were among members of this generation, who went to school at home and abroad.

    Read Also: Impeached Ogun council boss lied against me – Abiodun

    My generation shared many of these traits in addition to goal-orientation; focus on self-fulfillment; and eagerness to shape society. My generation also witnessed the development of various professions and professional associations and occupied key positions in government, security agencies, and business. Members of the generation benefitted from the efforts and contributions of the preceding generation, especially in the development of human capital; physical infrastructure; industrialisation; and a virile civil service.

    In contrast, Generations Z and Alpha are children of the 21st century, with all its characteristics. They are the true Internet generations, otherwise known as “digital natives”. While Gen Z is more politically and socially aware, Gen Alpha tends to live in the moment. Consequently, Gen Z engages more in social activism, while Gen Alpha spends more time online. Finally, while the realities for Gen Z are ambition, money, and material acquisition, the realities for Gen Alpha are coding, and Artificial Intelligence (AI).

    As a result of these differences, Internet and other money frauds gained prominence among Gen Z, while Gen Alpha tends to focus on the use of the Internet for homework, and chatting with friends from near and far. However, Gen Z tends to recruit members of Gen Alpha, especially girls, into their Yahoo! Boys fraudulent business.

    Both generations share the decline of values and sexual laxity, reflecting trends in the wider society and on the Internet. The escalation of teenage rape cases and the viral sex video of a 10-year-old schoolgirl during a school trip to Dubai last year are examples. Whatever they don’t learn from home and their immediate environment, they learn from the Internet and their peers in school. These preoccupations have led them away from reading like my generation.

    The consequences of the trends described above are far-reaching. First, Gen Z in particular is angry at the generations before them, starting from my own generation, for driving the national economy aground. That’s why a numbere of them believed in Peter Obi’s sweet tongue on turning the economy around.

    Second, the lack of adequate personnel and material resources in public schools have led to the decline in educational outcomes. Private schools escalated as alternatives. In both types of school, however, schoolchildren resort to the use of the Internet for their school assignments.  Just ask Google, they tell each other.

    Third, because their parents are also busy vending for themselves in a depressed economy, these children have a hard time finding appropriate guidance. Unfortunately, sending them to boarding school offers no better solution as peer pressure there could lead them astray.

    The truth is that times have changed, unfortunately, not for the better. Perhaps the beginning of a solution is awareness of these problems. That’s why I address this piece to the parents of both generations.

  • Five helpful tips for juggling work and parenting

    Five helpful tips for juggling work and parenting

    Juggling work and parenting might not exactly be the easiest thing to do, but there are a couple of things you can do to make it easier. Jumia Travel [1], the leading online travel agency, shares 5 tips for juggling work and parenting.

    INVOLVE YOUR SPOUSE
    Involving your spouse can be a great way to ease juggling work and parenting. If you don’t have a spouse, involve trusted close friend(s) or relative(s) who is (are) willing to be there for you. The fact is you can’t successfully juggle work and parenting on your own. You can communicate with these people and hash out the details of who’s going to do what and when, and then agree on it. Communication and a willingness to sacrifice and compromise are vital in making this work.

    GET GREAT CHILDCARE
    good and reliable childcare is better than a thousand gold bars when you’re trying to juggle work and parenting. You thus have to do your research very well and find good daycare centers and nannies that you can trust to help look after your child in your absence. However, you should be sure to keep a watchful eye on them to be sure they are taking care of your child or children in the best possible way.

    PUT THINGS IN PROPER PERSPECTIVE
    when managing work and parenting, you need to be able to put things in proper perspective. You should cut yourself some slack and try not to feel bad about having to leave your child or children all the time because in the end you are working to provide a better, easier and more comfortable life for your child or children. At this same time, you shouldn’t get carried away and use this as an excuse to be negligent. You must learn to balance the two sides and manage it as well as you  can. Be away when you need to be, but be prepared to make sacrifices and compromises to be as present in your child’s life as possible. Make the effort.
    LEARN TO MANAGE YOUR COMMITMENTS
    When you’re at work, you’re at work. Be focused on completing your work and doing it to the best of your ability. When you’re at home, be at home and be focused on being the best parent ever to your child. Don’t bring home your baggage or issues from work to and dump it on your children to deal with. Even if you can’t help but bring home your issues from work, never do it in a way that affects your children. Whenever you’re with your children, be committed to being with them, and let nothing else come in between. Manage your commitments.

    KNOW YOUR PRIORITIES
    You need to determine what comes first to you, your work or your children. When you know this, it will be easier for you to make decisions when the two ‘worlds’ occasionally clash. Know what’s most important to you, and let that guide your decisions during such tight periods. You don’t have to be with your child every minute for them to feel loved, but you need to know those few minutes that being with them matters most.

    REMEMBER YOURSELF
    A sick, exhausted or drained person can hardly be useful at the workplace and to their child or children. You, therefore, have to remember to take some time to rest and take care of yourself. This way you can continue to be there for your child or children and be productive at work.

     

  • 5 Sure Ways to Train Your Kid to Use Porn

    5 Sure Ways to Train Your Kid to Use Porn

     

    Before discussing the five sure ways to motivate your child to use pornography, let me categorically state two important points.

    The first is that no parent wants their child to become involved in pornography.

     

    We all can agree on this. The problem for many of us is, we do not understand the dangerous attraction of pornography or how our behavior, though unintentional, can help shape a child to desire something that can lead him into a lifetime of slavery.

    There are always unintended consequences of our actions. We can’t act one way, good or bad, and not expect our actions to have unintended consequences. Like a rock dropped into a lake, there will always be a ripple effect to our attitudes and actions.

    Secondly, pornography for a man is not primarily about what the woman looks like.

     

    A woman’s appearance is an external magnet for the eye to enjoy, but the greater problem for the man is the desires of the heart. Pornography is first and foremost about the theater of the mind, where the man can enter into his virtual world and be king for a day, or, in this case, king for a few minutes as he satisfies his mind with the risk-free intrigue of the cyber conquest.

     

    You see porn is a secret world that resides in the heart. It is lust, which feeds itself while in the darkness of a person’s mind. This makes what we do as parents all the more important because the mind of a child is not altogether discernible. The seeds of lust can be planted in the mind of a child years before he or she is old enough to act out on what has been growing inside the heart.

    The continuum of being lured and enticed to desiring and conceiving sex does not have to happen in a rapid sequence. It can take years for this sequence to bring wreak havoc to a person’s life. In most cases, the allurement and enticement of the porn addict begins in his mind while still a child. This has been a consistent pattern often seen in counseling. A child can be in porn training long before there is awareness from the child or the parents.

    1. Nonromantic marriage.

    A nonromantic marriage sends one Porn Training message, that only certain kinds of women are porn-worthy. A natural and whole home should be a sexual home. Sex is a God-given gift. In a normal marriage, the couple is not ashamed about their unique sexualities.  Unfortunately, many married couples are squeamish, if not prudish about sex and sexuality.

    One of the biggest unintended consequences of the nonromantic marriage is how it communicates that certain people are not porn-worthy. Before your mouth completely hits the floor, let me explain. A major characteristic of the porn-trained mind is how some people are worthy to be lusted after and others are not worthy. We all know who is worth our lust-filled attention.

    Women certainly know what can draw the attention of a man. This is why so many of them obsess over how they look, how much they weigh, what they wear and the horror of growing old. Though they would not connect this as being porn-worthy, many of them want to be worthy of their husband’s attention—they want to be desired. While this is not necessarily wrong, it can be deadly, especially in a marriage where the wife is not desired.

    A husband who does not romantically pursue his wife can send a message to his children that she is not worthy of being pursued. She does not fit his criteria. She is not attractive to him. Add this to filling the child’s mind with sensual TV commercials and movies, and it begins to establish a kind of beauty that is worthy of a person’s gaze—a beauty religion does not exalt.

    An effective way to highlight wholesome beauty is for the husband to pursue his wife. Lots of affection between a husband and wife can clarify in the child’s mind what real beauty is. Holding hands, dancing in the living room, hugging for long periods of time and smooching in front of the kids are beautiful examples of who and what is worthy of a man’s love.

     

    1. Letting your children see you having sex

    This is more common among people in the lower income bracket who live in cramped quarters, but some parents who are well off allow their young children sleep in their bedrooms, exposing these young ones to things they are better off not knowing about. It is one of the reasons why you find some children some kids playing mum and dad   games. Under no condition should children be allowed to see parents having sex. Children as young as two years old should not be allowed to share their parents’ beds, to preserve their purity. By that age, it is better that they sleep in another room except they are really sick, and need care/attention, after which they return to their rooms. We think that the child is only is only a kid, but children are very aware and will act out what they see, sex should not be one of those things.

     

    1. Allowing your kids see you naked

    Children are miniature adults and seeing adults naked affects them in certain ways. For a boy seeing his father’s male organ makes him wonder if his is small, and draws unnecessary attention to his genitals. However, seeing his mother naked has a different effect on him. Many porn addicts confess to being exposed to their mother or female care giver’s nakedness as young children. Many porn addicts confess that they masturbate with the picture of that female form in their minds, or someone very similar. Some mothers are also in the habit of taking their baths with their kids, especially their sons. This is a habit that should be discouraged, you will notice that even boys as young as four years old get erections at such times. Mum, you are simply putting on an x rated movie for you boy, please put a stop to it. Same thing goes for playing with their organs, it is not a toy, please respect their bodies.

     

    Concludes next edition.

  • Simplify Your Family’s Morning Routine with these Tips

    Simplify Your Family’s Morning Routine with these Tips

     

    Any working woman who has ever had kids can relate to the herculean task of juggling a home with a job, even as you wear the hat of wife and mom. Getting out of bed, taking care of the kid(s), preparing the meals, and other chores (with or without help), and getting out of the house before 8am can become an art form. Fortunately, many modern men are hands on fathers, and are adept at changing nappies and helping around the house.

     

    A major cause of stress for new moms is preparing to go back to work with a new baby. There are so many fears and worries that can happen when you have to sort out juggling work and motherhood. Will you express milk or give your baby formula? Will your baby want to continue breast feeding if he starts taking the bottle? Hopefully, a baby can be trained to take both. Mothers need to structure a weekly routine to tackle busy mornings.

    Whatever your lifestyle choice or routine here are a few tips to simplify your routine, especially when your kids are infants.

    1. Divide And Conquer

    Having someone to split up the tasks with is really helpful. A husband can take on many things when you have infants. He can feed an older child breakfast and plays with her, help with packing lunch etc. It also helps to lay out all kiddies stuff by the front door, so it’s super easy to grab on the way out

    2. Do It The Night Before

    Some nights, if there is enough time and energy left after the bedtime routines, make sure to have planned out the children’s outfit for school the next day and stuff like milk, bottles, food, etc. Just make sure that any of the things needed for school are washed and ready and that kids has everything packed in their bags that the nanny or help may need. It’s sometimes painful to do this at night when one is exhausted, but it does make life easier when  rushing in the morning.

    3. Make Mornings Fun

    Some kids are early risers. In many homes, especially in cosmopolitan cities, many families are awake by around 5:45 a.m or even earlier. This can be pretty painful for breastfeeding moms with young infants, especially because many nights they wake up one to two times with the baby. However, it does allow for one to have more time to get things done in the morning before getting out the door at 8 a.m. Having a toddler means finding ways to follow a routine. I think that is one of the biggest challenges in the morning. Allow time to adjust to waking up and give kids some solid attention to make the tasks done easier and allow for more success.

    4. Stay Calm

    Staying calm and connected can be very challenging for parents. There are always things that can go wrong or slow down your routine and cause everyone to get tense. However, a parent’s attitude really affects the children. The slightest bit of stress or upset in a parent makes it harder for kids to adjust to their daily routines. It’s definitely a snowball effect. So, even when your son is fussy or your daughter refuses to put her shoes on for the 100th time, parents have to stay cool. It will help you move forward faster.

    5. Make Weekends Special

    it’s not a great idea to stray too far off from your weekly schedule on the weekends, but finding little ways to make it feel a bit more special can be energizing for your kids, and  for you, too On the weekend, make a special  breakfast and go somewhere together, the beach, a park, anything. Family activities on the weekends help to re-energize everyone when it comes back to that weekly grind.

  • What chores do for your kids

    What chores do for your kids

    Every parent wants their kids to be better than they (the parent)ever were; unfortunately we fail to equip our kids with the right tools to do so. A simple thing most parents did growing up in traditional African households is fast becoming a thing of the past, and that is chores. By this I mean assigning duties or tasks to children on a daily basis. As much as we tend to focus on academics and intellectual growth, we fail to realize the importance of having children helping out as home. It is the most effective way to teach children responsibility, a work ethic, excellence, a spirit of service, empathy and lots more.

    Developmental psychologist and writer Richard Mende in his book Raising Can Do Kids says “Parents want their kids spending times on things that can bring them success, but ironically we’ve stopped doing the one thing that is a proven indicator of success and that is doing household chores.” This assertion is proven right in traditional Nigerian homes where you find kids routinely cleaning the house, washing, or even following their parents to the farm or market as the case may be. Have you noticed that oftentimes many people who grew up in the rural areas often tend to do better when they come to the city? The simple reason is that with all the hard work that goes into running a household and providing for the family, children from an early age learn to fend for themselves, and help out at home.

    Here are some things making your children to do chores will do for your child;

    Assigning children chores from an early age teaches them self-reliance, mastery, and responsibility. A Harvard University study carried out years ago revealed that over 40% of CEOs in the US are first born children. Such children are often saddled with the responsibility of looking out for their younger siblings from an early age.
    Doing chores teaches empathy and responsiveness to the needs of others. When children are trained from an early age to ‘help out’ in the home, doing things like taking care of younger siblings, elderly relatives, sick or invalid members of the household they learn sensitivity to the needs of others, an important life skill.
    Allowing children avoid doing chores for homework teaches children that achievement and good grades are more important than helping people, which is definitely not so.

    How to encourage kids to do chores

    Use the proper language- Praise and thank kids for being helpers, and not just helping, as this encourages them to do more.
    Create a timetable- Having a time table placed in a prominent place in the house, like the fridge in the kitchen means that it is accessible, and will more likely be used.
    Make it a game- Young children love to play, doing things like setting the table, cleaning their rooms, helping with folding and taking in the laundry can be made into a game they will love playing.
    Separate pocket money from chores- Don’t make the mistake of ‘paying’ children to do chores around the house. Attaching money to doing their chores makes children see it as payment for work done, thereby turning an act of service to a business transaction.
    Make the chores neutral- There are no good or bad chores, all must be embraced with an open mind, and remember that if you hate cleaning the house, the children will pick that up from you, and hate doing it as well.
    Pay attention to the type- Chores are the usual things that keep a household running, and teaching children to do their part teach skills like empathy. Bear in mind that they have to be routine tasks that take care of the family like cleaning and dusting the living room, instead of just personal care tasks like cleaning their bedrooms or washing their clothes. Psychologists claim that involving kids in choosing chores encourages more buy in.

  • NGOs sign MoU on parenting

    National Council of Women Societies (NCWS), Nigeria and Centre for Family Peace Initiative (CFPI) have signed a Memorandum of Understanding (MoU), to promote quality child education and responsible parenting in schools and homes across the country.

    The NGOs will collaborate to motivate, encourage and challenge parents and teachers to be the best they can be in the task of moulding the character of children.

    The MoU will culminate in the public presentation of a Parent-Teacher Motivational Handbook, a book on capacity building for the academic excellence and sound moral upbringing of children. Parent-Teacher Motivational Handbook is published by Centre for Family Peace Initiative, a marriage and family focused Non-Governmental Organisation that is based in Abuja.

    Ondo State Governor Dr. Olusegun Mimiko, who wrote the foreword to the book, said the book “is a treasure to be well guarded as it contains well thought out quotes that have the inherent capacity to make our world the ideal.”

    The National President of NCWS, Chief Gloria Laraba Shoda,  said her organisation was pleased to partner the Centre for Family Peace Initiative on the book. She posited that women as mothers, being the first and most important teachers of children, would benefit from the book as it had the capacity to positively impact parents and teachers for the good of children.

    The Executive Director, Centre for Family Peace Initiative, Mr. Chinedum Ikogwe, the former Abuja Bureau Chief of Ovation International Magazine, who compiled the book, lamented the precarious state of the educational system, as well as the prevailing weak family structure in Nigeria, adding that today’s children were at great risk. He, therefore, stressed on the need for all stakeholders to motivate and encourage parents and teachers to rise to their responsibilities to children.

    He expressed his gratitude to the management and staff of NCWS as he stated that the collaboration would enable the two credible NGOs to collectively raise funds from charitable corporate organisations and individuals to mass-produce the Book and give out copies to teachers in primary and secondary schools across the country at no cost to them.

  • Wealthy Nigerian parents are raising Lions in the Zoo – Abegunde

    Wealthy Nigerian parents are raising Lions in the Zoo – Abegunde

    Are you a wealthy parent who gives your children everything they want? Then you might want to read this. Securities firm CEO, and Bowen University Pro- Chancellor, Mr Abegunde  spoke about the menace of wealthy parents, (even those from indigent backgrounds) who go on to raise spoilt-silver-spoon-kids with the wealth God blessed their parents with, whom he refers to as “Lions in the zoo”.

    He referred to this situation at the first anniversary of the Stag project: a Youth empowerment programme of Vine Branch Ministries for young men between the ages of fourteen and twenty four years which held in Ibadan earlier in the month.

    Speaking to The Nation in a chat, he explained, “A lion in the zoo sits down there waiting for the keeper to bring him food and water, and he eats it. If the food is not brought on time, he roars. And then everyone will run helter-skelter to find it food. But a lion in the jungle knows that he has to go out and look for food by himself.”

    Continuing his observations of the negative trend, and how it robs such children of the independent spirit necessary to survive and succeed in the world as adults, he surmised, “I coined that term myself. I see how we bring up our children today. We give them everything, even their assignments; we literally write it for them, take them to school, and even write exams for them. I have even seen a situation where a young graduate was accompanied to a job interview by her mother. That was the singular reason we did not hire her.”

    He continued, “When they get out there, and the keeper is no longer there, will they be able to feed? The survival instinct will not be there.” As such he enjoined parents not to pamper their kids. He quipped, “Give them what they need, not what they want.”

    Contrasting the situation with his humble beginnings, he continued, “You can compare that to someone like me who had to do odd jobs to do the same things.” This son of a retired post master who rose through the ranks to become the man he is today confessed that his father encouraged he and his siblings to be independent, and fend for themselves from an early age; as such he hawked mangoes and newspapers as a young boy to raise money to support himself through school, even though his father was on hand to help.

    Speaking on his parenting style he stated, “My children do not wear as good clothes as their contemporaries, but I don’t care. Even the children of people who are not as well off as we are financially dress better.” Speaking on a tactic he uses to motivate his kids to excel in their studies, he revealed, “When we travel on annual holiday, I give them a basic amount as shopping allowance, and then I promise them a specific amount for every A they score at school. So when they score A’s in school, they call to inform me even before they return home from school.”

    He concluded by stating that he uses such tactics to teach his children certain principles, and instill financial discipline and prudence in them, he stated, “However, they do not want to spend more than half that amount, preferring to bring it home to Nigeria, that is my way of training them.”

  • How to avoid poor parenting

    Dear Harriet, As a young parent, I will like you to kindly give counsel on the causes of inattentive parenting.

    Mrs Mercy D.  Abuja

    Your question is a serious cause for concern because inattentive parenting is a major factor for the challenges in our society today.

    The common argument is that we have to work, so that we can provide for our family. That’s true, but in the process, your role as a parent or guardian must not be neglected. For example, people who are raised in an environment of indifference with lack of proper attention, love, and care from parents or guardians in their childhood are often face with challenges.

    Parenting is joyous, but difficult. It is hard enough to juggle the many demands of life. Some people find giving appropriate attention and care to one more children on top of the already considerable responsibilities of marriage and career as a nearly impossible job while others succeed easily. However, here are a few factors that can lead to inattentive parenting.

    Family breakdown: Divorced and single parenting, for instance, create stress on parents. The anger and pain a parent experiences from divorce, or loss of a loved one may overshadow his /her attitude towards members of the family. For example, after a divorce, many a times, one parent is left alone to accomplish the full responsibility of parenting, in addition there may be extra financial burden, beginning a new career for self-improvement, getting into a new relationship. These might serve as a distraction and may lead to less or no attention on the children and other members of the house.

    Single parenting, on the other hand, is an overwhelming task. It is very difficult for single parent to find the proper balance for his needs and that of his family, most especially if the reason for being single is as a result of loss of a loved one. However, some parents are admirably attentive to their children’s needs bearing in mind that they are all they have got.

    Too often teenagers’ emotional needs for attention, affection and support are neglected.

    Poverty: This is the most common cause of neglect because a parent does not have the resources to provide all the necessary needs of the family can result to neglect. Many causes related to poverty increase the likelihood of neglect or inattention, are single parent, multiple siblings and so on.

    Furthermore, locomotive lifestyle in today’s fast pace world, both parents sometimes feel pressured to work. They leave home very early only to get home when the children are in bed. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with both parents working, but they should try as much as possible to balance the home front. This cuts across every class, upper, middle and low class. To avoid neglecting our children as we go out there working for the good of our family, without knowing, parents should remember to be involved by playing a major role

    Multiple siblings can also be a cause for neglect; it is not difficult to see how multiple siblings in a family can make it harder to invest interest and attention in each child. Take for example, as the youngest among other siblings in a family, Bisi never got individual attention from her parents. They were both busy working and trying to keep up with bills a larger family can so easily incur. Bisi’s parents were never available or interested in attending any of her school activites. Infact, they did everything they could to discourage her from pursuing extracurricular interest, citing the additional financial burden such involvement would cause. Bisi felt loved, but neglected in this situation.

    Parent preoccupation with the social ladder: Parents tend to neglect their children if they are preoccupied with anything, especially social advancement. For instance, Emeka’s mum and dad were involved in several activities, and both were constantly vying for advancement. Emeka was left in the care of an aunt, his mum’s older sister; his parents did not know that their son and his caretaker were drinking together every afternoon.

    Mental illness can contribute to inattentive parenting. Manic depression, postpartum depression and clinic depression are some of the disorders that might lead to parental inattention. When a parent suffers from one of these disorders and is not being treated appropriately, the disease will sorely inhibit his or her ability to give attention to a child.

    Selfishness: Today’s society urges men and women to “have it all” and to “have it your way,” earn three figure incomes, send your children to private school, vacation abroad and meanwhile have a happy family. Parents who buy into this attitude of” have it all” mentality will typically neglect their children’s emotional needs, choosing (consciously or un consciously) to place their needs ahead of their children’s needs.

    Lack of parenting skills: Children don’t come with a parenting manual. Most first-time parents admit that nothing could have prepared them for the demands of parenthood. Some struggle, work, and finally succeed at developing skills that not only provide for their children’s physical needs, but for their emotional needs as well.

    Unfortunately, many parents believe that parenting means only providing financially for a family.

    However, a young person whose parents seem unconcerned or inattentive is likely to experience hurt, frustration, anger, sometimes resulting in bitterness, or rage, as well as feelings of insecurity and loneliness. Reactions such as these may prompt many and various effects like low self- esteem, poor academic achievement, poor peer selection, sexual activity, rebellious behaviour, drugs and alcohol problems.

    Solution: Communicate with your children and learn to spend quality times with them.

    Offer them hope, show them that you have confident in them.

    Be involved in their academics, go through their work, and ask questions about the happenings in school.

    Support in their school activity.

    Reward and praise them when they perform well

    Encourage them when they don’t do well academically.

    Show equal love to your children.

    Lead them into relationship with God, who is always there for them.

    Direct them to positive peer groups. Explain to them the kind of friends they should keep at their level.

    Encourage children to help siblings or friends who may also be feeling neglected or unloved.

    Keep reassuring them that they are loved at all times no matter the situation.

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to me on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can follow her on twitter @bineharrietj  blog; Liwh.com.ng

  • Pathways to parenting

    Pathways to parenting

    Rapidly changing lifestyle, newer demands and requirements of life put forward multiple challenges to parents. Balancing between works and parenting duties make many parenting as a stressful and challenging task, not minding the fact that as parents, they need to manage several requirements of life along with the essential parenting duties.

    These challenges were part of a new book titled: SOLD OUT by Mr Olaniyi Oyelakin Oladeji launched at the Emmanuel Alayande College of Education, Oyo town in Oyo State.

    The 20-chapter book offers invaluable suggestions to parents about the social, psychological and logical solutions to those factors leading to a child becoming naughty and wayward.

    Oba Lamidi Adeyemi, the Alaafin of Oyo, who was represented by Chief Gabriel Adeleke said the author peeped into and captured the lives and times of voiceless youths who seek to be heard.

    Oba Adeyemi described the book as ‘creative writing of a promising young mind with a vision’. The paramount ruler who also lauded the initiative and patriotism of the young author, recommended the book to all institutions, parents and youths.

    Similarly, Chairman to Oyo Baptist Conference, Reverend Mobolaji Anthony Adegbola, who is the author’s mentor, described the book as ‘an eye-opener to the multi-various obligations to parents, especially in this century and in the life of our country as we rejoice in the 100 years of the existence of our country’.

    The sobriety portrayed by the pictorial appearance on the front cover reflects regrets, adding it prepares the heart of the reader, though with curious suspense, for the tragic plot, of the prose.

    It is, however, punctuated with instances of comic relief without which a novel like this would have been emotionally injurious to an extent, it was said.

    From the start, the author prepared the reader for a kind of emotional recovery, saying the candle light signified illumination to a dark world that pervades the physical and time setting of the story.

    The beauty of the novel, the reviewer said, is revealed in the economic use of characters, while the choice of language is simple, day-to-day with heavy use of colloquial for relaxation and use of pigin English, spiced with Ijaw, the local language of the setting.

    On the relevance of the novel to the society, he said: “It is very didactic as it teaches the society the challenges involved in parenthood and erroneous archaic lackadaisical attitudes of parents towards their wards. It equally encourages the need for parents to believe in their children and always be there for them.”

    He, therefore, recommended the book to educational authorities, planners and schools boards for use in secondary and tertiary institutions.

    Olaniyi was born in Oyo State, where he completed his secondary school education before moving to Okija for his university education.