“Be ready to drive him crazy. We will go all out in this fight. We ’ll be going out soon to select for you some dangerous shorts and pants; and deadly tops and gowns that will highlight all your particulars,” Christabel’s determined voice rent the air as I and Tamara entered her apartment that Friday morning.
The unified laughter of a room full of women, mixed with their statements of agreement, welcomed us into Christabel’s living room where the Women Corner had gathered.
The meeting began the previous day online on the Women’s Corner group chat. Even though not all the members were present, we had a full house still. Those who could not attend joined on WhatsApp. More ladies from the estate are now part of the group. This was an emergency meeting orchestrated by the SOS plea from one of our newest members whose husband was being snatched by a mistress.
Her message read: “Dear sisters…please help a sister! A friend of mine is about losing her husband to a colleague of his. She needs urgent advise on how to go about it.”
“Who is she?” “Is it someone we know?” “Can you invite her to our spot under the ebelebo tree to brainstorm?” “We will be meeting next weekend, invite her, na,” came the responses on the group.
“Sisters abeg, this is an SOS o! It’s not my friend; it’s me. They want to take my husband from me o!”
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On hearing that, the ladies sprang into action, summoning an emergency meeting that eventually brought us to Christabel’s apartment. “Welcome, once again, ladies. Alice has just finished telling us everything about the matter. Juju or no juju, the long and short of the matter is that this is a strategic meeting meant to empower her on how to take her husband by force from the other woman,” stated Ada, and that set the stage for the tips that flooded in.
“Following suggestions on the group chat on the list of things she can do to take back her husband; I printed them out and added some more as more suggestions came in. We’ve broken into groups: makeup group, fashion group, catering group, among others. The fashion group, headed by myself and Lady P, will be taking her out to get some deadly tops and gowns and dangerous shorts and pants – the kind that would make a man go crazy. We will go for those spaghetti tops that those wicked girls now wear that turns men’s head. We must not allow them to send us out of market. If they wear bump shorts, we must wear bumper shorts. If they are going in spaghetti, we must go with Indomie. Whichever tactics they employ, we must be ready to match them action for action to keep our men. And you don’t need millions to do that. And since your kids are all in boarding school, Alice, you need to make your home a honeymoon destination where the man would feel comfortable,” Christabel said.
“And this is not a time to be tying wrapper and wearing bubu all over the place. It’s time for war,” said Nurse Cordelia, excitedly.
“If you’d ask me, the way to a man’s heart is her stomach. What are his favourite foods and snacks and even drinks?” Tinu asked.
“My husband likes ponmo and red wine. Even when he doesn’t feel like eating, once you give him the combo, you’ve won his heart,” Alice said.
“So what has been stopping you from giving it to him, and using the tactics our sexologist taught us? Remember the different ways she taught us to go about it,” Tamara queried.
“I’m not sure she attended it,” Sexy Jola interjected.
“I am sorry I missed that masterclass. I know I missed a lot not attending it. Two of my neighbours never stopped talking about their marriages; their sex life in particular, had improved after attending that workshop. Please can we have it again? I don’t mind paying,” Alice pleaded.
“Oya, Christabel over to you,” I urged our own Christabel the Fashionista, who was doling out diverse instructions to those in the different ad hoc groups, “We will surely hold another one. It will shock you to note that I have also received commendation from my chairman on how it has impacted the lives of men too; because our women who came took it seriously. For now, let’s face the matter at hand. Lady P and others will take you through some makeup classes. Once we return, Mummy Fawaz and Tinu take her through some culinary tips – both local and continental dishes. She may need to visit your aerobic sessions too – to be fit for the battle ahead (laughs.)”
As the meeting came to a close and the fashion team got ready to set out, Alice said: “I really appreciate every one of you. I was already going crazy. I owe you one. When thiings improve, I will treat you all to my ponmo delicacy with a blend of chilled wine,” Alice said.