Violence against women – particularly intimate partner violence and sexual violence – is a major public health problem and a violation of women’s human rights. But for this group of women, who recently gathered in Lagos for the ‘Women with Stories Global Conference, they are survivors, and they shared their stories to inspire. Omolara Akintoye reports.
When you lose your mother to the cold hands of death at the tender age of six, and your father to the indiscretion of drug addiction, almost at the same time, you are always going to be exposed to the harsh realities of life from all fronts. Such is the story of Robyn Robbins, now a coach and a best-selling author of the book, ‘Certified Life and Book,’ who hailed from the United States of America.
“We were 7 in number, and we all had to stay with our extended families at one time or the other. So we went from house to house, where we experienced all forms of abuse: emotional, sexual, physical, mental, it was hell.”
According to Robbins, the abuse became so regular in her life and became a part of her being, that she, at a stage, felt abuse was part of normal life.
“The reason is that wherever I went, someone was ready to abuse me sexually
or otherwise. When we newly got to a home and felt like we had found a place to live a normal life, then we discovered that it was all false.
Our joy was soon taken from us because of the violation we again experienced there. For many years, I was like a sex slave,” she recalled.
Even when she tried to open up to people whom she believed could be of assistance, no one believed her. All they said was ‘You are at fault, you are a problem child.’ No one listened to my cry for help, no one saw my pain; so on a daily basis, I was subjected to sexual, physical, and emotional abuse; I was a form of punishment for people,” she lamented, almost evoking tears from the attentive audience.
“It got to a stage that the abuse became normal with me; I felt it was normal to be subjected to abuse, so I began to abuse myself. I said to myself, I’m in charge now, I’m going to decide where and put a price to it, so you can’t take it from me. I mistook that for a form of control and freedom no one could take from me, and so, I became a form of abuse on myself.”
Robbins said she later found herself involved in the sex doll fantasy. “That was how bad the abuse was. I was depressed and broken. I was in the mental home three times! It was that bad.”
But she refused to give up because something was ringing in her mind that the only way out of the problem was to go to school.
“It took years for me to fight mentally and get to a place of freedom.
When I came out of the trauma, the first thing that I did was to go back to school; I went into catering, was doing Medical Assistant; I couldn’t focus and I still dropped out twice. I decided to try again and eventually had 3.9 GPA in Nursing Assistant. I was working in the medical field, went back for my post graduate, but still wasn’t able to function. Everything had to do with time. People go through situations which compromises their mental capacity”, said Robbins.
But Robbins did come out of the trauma. And that is why she could now speak about it to the world and hep others who have been through the nasty path.
“The first thing I did was to get rid of the trauma from my mind and to also relocate from that environment. There is power in freedom but we must be bold enough to come out of that situation to see the lessons that lie in the pain, because it’s there, and this will help in coming out of it.”
Quite moving, you would say. Robbins story was one of those that set the tone for the discussion at the recent ‘Women with Stories Global Conference,’ held at Lagos. The event, held at the Landmark Towers, Victoria Island, Lagos, had a group of women in attendance, who came together from across the globe – both the developed and the third world) to share their experience of how they were violated by those that were very close to them. One good thing about this group is the fact that they have violations stronger and are happy to share their stories in order to encourage and inspire those that are currently experiencing such problems or had just emerged from them, that hope is not lost.
According to the convener, Naomi Osemedua, the conference was organised to “open up a global community, as we don’t want women to stay in the places of anger. We see people committing suicide, lots of mental cases and many women feel they are in a hopeless situation.”
On Friday, 24th August, the air was saturated with feminine warmth, excitement and grace, as strangers became acquaintances. Vulnerability breeds intimacy and as the day progressed, strong friendships were forged and laughter flowed freely among the guests.
Indeed, violence against women is a phenomenon that occurs more often than most people know or are aware of. It is a worldwide problem with many (mental) health consequences for victims and has become a public health problem for all societies. Different forms of sexual abuse can be distinguished, namely: being a young adult abused by a stranger, being abused by a partner, becoming a victim of intimate partner violence, or being sexually abused as a child.
Global estimates published by the World Health Organisation, WHO, indicate that about 1 in 3 (35%) of women worldwide have experienced either physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence in their lifetime.
Most of this violence is intimate partner violence. Worldwide, about one third (30%) of women who have been in a relationship report that they have experienced some form of physical and/or sexual violence from their intimate partner in their lifetime.
Without doubt, sexual abuse is a severe crime which has a tremendous emotional impact on victims.
One way to know how victims have experienced this onslaught will of course be through their narratives. People, naturally, are inclined to telling their stories and narratives. As they say, a world without talks is unimaginable. But apart from daily conversations, individuals also tell their life stories, with details about personal experiences of good and bad, and about the implications thereof for themselves and for others to learn there-from.
Another survivor, Desiree Lee, a publishing consultant and award winning best-selling author, also from the USA; Atlanta Georgia, to be precise, tells her story: “Sometimes, we are a bit apprehensive of sharing stories… but in the process of telling these stories, we get healing and restoration. At age 17, I already had a 3.8 GPA with 2 scholarships and already on my way to college in pursuit of the American dream.”
But after graduating from higher school, Lee found herself on the other side of the law. “I was accused of 11 count charge robberies. That was two weeks after graduating from higher school. At age 17, I was sentenced to 105 years imprisonment; I wished I had listened to my mother,” said Lee.
Lee ended up spending four years in prison, where she encountered a lot of abuses.
Then came the after effect of prison experience. After coming out from prison, she encountered another traumatic experience, as she was turned down everywhere she went, for being an ex-prisoner.
‘I’m so sorry, we can’t give you admission to this College because of your background,’
‘Sorry no vacancy for you.’…
“I felt like a total stranger; as if I should kill myself.”
But Lee was able to bear it all and came out of the trauma stronger.
In as much as there are laws in place to protect citizenry, even in a developed country like the U.S, Desiree Lee lamented that racism is still a serious issue to tackle. “There are still lots of discrimination going on even among black Americans. Also, most U.S prisons are privately owned and you will be amazed at what is going on there,” she said.
The question is where is the place of government, law and education, especially in a developed country such as the US?
Robbin said, “Yes there are laws and government, even when you have problems, there are help agencies, but in U.S, our culture says ‘Seek for help and try to deal with such problems on your own.’ The dynamics of culture is a serious issue that we are battling with,” she lamented.
Desiree Lee also pulled through. Today, she is an author, founder of Authors In Business and Lifestyle Entrepreneur, who teaches people on the relevance of our individual struggles and how our stories can be converted to raw cash.
Mfon Ekpo, a Nigerian life coach and founder, The Blueprint of How also held the audience spellbound for hours when she spoke. By the time she was done, the women present were more determined than ever to utilise the good, the bad and the ugly episodes of their lives for the best outcomes.
It became clear that within every participant, lies a superhero waiting to be unleashed.
Cecilia Agu, founder, Bedroom Matters, shared the story of her journey from being raped at 7, to how she later in life struggled with intimacy in marriage, eventually overcame, and now helps women find and enjoy intimacy in their marriages.
Winnie Mabena, from Zambia, is founder of The Knowledge Effect, Zambia and a woman living positively with HIV.
She narrated how she got infected with the virus and how she refused to give up; rather, inspired by courage, she explained how she rose above stigmatisation and suicidal thoughts to being in the forefront of educational advocacy in Zambia today.
Bose Ogunboye, popularly known as Lepacious Bose, who is considered one of Nigeria’s most prominent comedian, narrated how she suffered emotional violence as a result of her weight, before she took the bull by the horns and eventually overcame the problem. She regaled the audience with her weight loss secret, which can be said to be her motivation.
Among her main motivators, she said, were her brother and nephew.
She also spoke of the depression she went through on account of her increasing weight then. Considering the way she made her weight issues the butt of most her jokes, one could tell that she is indeed a brave woman, who knew how to stand atop her personal issues.
Ogunboye told the story of how one day, her nephew voiced his fears for her on account of the way she breathed at night.
“He didn’t accused me of being too fat like my other relatives did. On the contrary, he supported me and tried to take care of me. All my other relatives, like my brother, were constantly reminding me of my excess weight. But words and care from my nephew changed my outlook; I decided to think it over, and finally concluded that it was essential I took care of my health.
“Nowadays I’m very grateful to my relatives as their words have changed my appearance completely,” a visibly contented Ogunboye said.
The comedian shared her weight loss journey story with so much insight into the shame and pain only she knew until she decided to take charge of her life and fight. She is still fighting and winning every day, she said.
ARA, Nigeria’s first female talking drummer, was also one of the discussants. She shared the story of her journey to stardom, with all the challenges, struggle and shame she had to deal with.
Picking herself back up again and determined to win through it all, Omolara Adagunodo, MD, Jumia Travels, also shared her personal journey and determination to keep going strong throughout the process.
Tale Alimi, a business coach, challenged the participants to rise beyond their circumstances to create the life of their dreams. She showed them, using her life story, that it is possible.
Eryca Freemantle, a transformational life coach who, through a near-fatal road traffic accident that left her with facial scarring and total hair loss, spoke of how her challenges spurred her to create solutions to the problems women of different skin tones experience.
Other women that participated included Hauwa Ojeifor, founder of the Support Group She Writes
Woman, which focuses on mental health support and outreach for the most vulnerable people in the society.
