Her story, without doubt, is unputdownable. It is one of a seriocomic tale. It will tug at your heartstrings. It is not only didactic, but also inspiring. Except she voluntarily knits her memoirs, you may never know that beautiful Toyin Alausa, a popular Nollywood actress, is also a good counsellor. Interestingly, in this interview with BABATUNDE SULAIMAN, the single mother of one opens up her bitter-sweet experience in life.
You started out as a kid actor; so, how did that early exposure impact on your childhood and even growing up?
There are two sides to every coin in life. With regard to my own life, I would say I have tasted both the positive and the negative sides of life. As a kid actor, I was exposed to life very early. I could call myself a smart kid, so I understood everything around me. One single incident that still lingers in my head often is my experience with the late Enebeli Enebuwa.
In Portakabin Nine, when we were doing Tales by Moonlight, he said: “Why are you around?” and I said: “I am on holidays.” He then said: “Have you resumed?” and I said: “We haven’t resumed.” So, he said: “Immediately you resume, you go back to school because education is the ultimate. I know you are a fantastic actress, but you still have to go back to school.” So, that was the kind of exposure I had as early as 12 to 15 years of age. I would say it also helped me because it made me a wiser person. As a kid actor, I made some mistakes, but I had my mum and others who used to correct me, apart from school. I didn’t take things for granted.
So, will you also say it has really prepared you for what you are doing now?
Yes, it has because you already know that wherever you go to, people are starring at you; that whatever you do, there are people out there waiting to run you down or applaud you. Of course, as a human being, you make mistakes. Also, that you are a celebrity doesn’t mean your star can’t fall or that you won’t make mistakes in your choices in life. But people are there to pat you in the back and say you have made the mistake, but you have to move on.
If your mum wasn’t an actress, would you have been an actress?
I would say yes because before my mum started to take me to NTA and I was given a role in Drama Showcase, I was alone in the house. I am my mum’s only child and I can recall imitating my teachers, headmistress, friends and others. I did that a lot, but I didn’t know what it was called until I got that opportunity to act. Well, I think the rest is history today. I still would have been an actor, though I used to tell my mum I wanted to be a newscaster. There is no other preparation I would have had, even if I had studied Theatre Arts or Mass Communication.
You said you are the only child of your mum, so are you also the only child of your dad?
What happened then?
Nothing happened? I am a Yoruba woman and I come from a polygamous family. My father is a Muslim, but I practise Christianity now.
How is it like coming from a polygamous family, considering that many people say awful tales about it?
In Yoruba, they say, “Ile olorogun, eta’nu ma wa ni ibe”. But I think it has to do with individuals. I enjoy my childhood and I am proud of my parents. They had their own mistakes and they made their own choices. I also had my own mistakes and I have my own choices to make. So, I will not come out and say anything awful about my family because I have my own stepsisters and stepbrothers. If my father didn’t have them with their mum, I probably would not have brothers and sisters to call my own. So, I will say it is a blessing to me. Though I am not propagating polygamy, it is part of Africa.
You attended a college of education. But was it by choice or circumstance?
There is no big deal because I tried to acquire education the little way I could. I would say financial constraint at that time and some other situations that I wouldn’t want to go into the details now. I am always in the line of training and learning. I guess anyone can go to the university or polytechnic at any time, as long as you are focused, determined and ready for it.
But I know that wasn’t your dream?
It wasn’t my dream. You see, if it was about dreams, many people would not be where they are now. It was about what life had thrown to me and I was ready to accept.
Did you attempt to go further?
I have been a working mum, so to say. From time to time, I have been doing one thing or another, which has contributed to my life positively. Yes, I missed the aspect of me not going to the university, but it is not a lost dream because at the set time, that is one of the things I will love to face.
You mentioned financial constraint as part of the reasons you attended a college of education. But one would have thought that you were from a privileged home.
I am from a humble home and my father could afford what he could for us all until there had to be a separation; and, at that point, things became shaky. I was neither here nor there. Eventually, I had to be somewhere in-between. Those were the times I struggled to maintain a balance in my life and determined that this is who I want to be.
Psychologically, how did you pull through?
It wasn’t really easy. The Bible says: “When the foundation is faulty, what can the righteous do?” When the unit you break out from is faulty, either by mistakes or choices that your parents or your forefathers have made, it has a vital role to play in the person you become in the society. At that point when I was neither here nor there, I was just lingering in life.
Those were my vulnerable years; those were the years I made a whole lot of mistakes and I had to learn the hard ways. I also have to thank God for that part of my life because it is not a period of time so short that I can just waive away. All the while, I was also acting, even if it was two or three scenes. In-between struggling to make it in life, I met a lot of people who could make you forget your destiny and those who actually wanted to see you up there because my formative years were neither here nor there.
The second force that will battle your foundation that is faulty is actually your person. I knew I had potentials and I knew what I loved to, so I turned them all to work for my benefits. I wasn’t thinking of the fact that I come from a wealthy background. Even till date, I don’t think anything is actually my problem. What I just need to do is to go to the right people and ask; or better still, I pray to God to provide it for me. It is not about what life has thrown at you, but it is about what you can do with what life has thrown at you. In my formative years, strangers were my friends and family. So, as an individual, I see myself as somebody who has a large family.
When did you start leaving independently of your parents?
When I say I was alone that time, I mean that everybody was going about his or her business and nobody wanted to really understand how you were feeling psychologically. It was just me in my world, so one could do some naughty things through peer group influence. I won’t advise parents to leave their children alone. They should try and understand how they feel, even in their decision-making because you might not know where you have left them alone.
Did that also result in your dropping out of school?
Yes. You know, you can just stray away without looking back, if you refuse to listen to what people are saying. My mother was extremely strict and she shaped me with proverbs. The proverbs were enough strokes of the cane that will last you a lifetime. I missed with friends who didn’t think of the future but the present and you could just play away your lectures, exam dates, tests and assignments. That is it why I still maintain that it is you as an individual.
I guess that was also the period you got pregnant?
Yes, that was the period. I had my baby; and like I said, you now have to start correcting the mistake you have made. All in all, it was a wonderful experience that I can never trade away today. I thank God I had him then, though early. As I said earlier, my youth really got me prepared for what lies ahead of me. As an individual, I already knew what I wanted and how I wanted it, so I would just say it is a blessing that it happened then.
How old were you then?
I was 17.
You mum must have been very disappointed in you, knowing that she was always cautioning you.
She took me in, washed me, cleaned me up and put my feet firmly on ground such that I had to start and do it right. I would say ever since then, our bond got tighter as mother and child. She is a mother any human being will ever wish for. A lot of people gave her all sorts of advice.
Did she feel she didn’t do enough to caution you?
She just attributed it to destiny. I am the only child; so, if I had to be at home, I would be locked up in the house. But as a mischievous child, I devised a means of still going out to play with my friends. Of course, it wasn’t anything naughty. But a child needs people around him or her. So, it is not really nice when a child is alone in a massive compound because he or she might get naughty. And at times, you get tired of being alone.
So, you wanted to explore?
Yes, you are right.
And then, you abused the freedom in the process?
When the people who are supposed to shape you are not around, you tend to miss your ways. I guess that was what happened and I made my mistakes in time and corrected them in time.
Did you attempt to abort the pregnancy?
Yes, I did. But it didn’t work for me.
How?
I was asked to use some pills; but you know, destiny is destiny. He was meant to come and he came. He couldn’t even be aborted. There are children out there whose parents did everything humanly possible to terminate them, but they still came. There are reasons why the abortion would fail and it is only God who knows the reason. And if you are lucky not to get it terminated, you will see the reason. Honestly, I don’t think it is a good option, but it is as old as prostitution.
Why did you consider abortion when you knew the man who was responsible for the pregnancy?
I was a teenager, so I probably would not have made any good decision on my own. I couldn’t even allow my mum to know in time. In fact, I didn’t even know I was pregnant until I was way gone, so that is why I said he is a destiny child.
Like how many months?
I was about five months gone! By the time I knew and thought of abortion, nobody would want to do that for me.
What advice will you give teenagers who are pregnant now?
I am worried about teenagers nowadays. I have seen and heard all sorts. I don’t know what to do, but I just believe that God, the government, the NGOs, parents, teachers, guardians and good citizens of Nigeria should help to shape the young ones coming behind us. They have lost it. The mistake I have made, I have been able to correct them by myself. But I have seen and heard of other cases where people could not correct themselves and their lives went in shambles. That you are not a graduate is not an excuse.
Also, ignorance is not an excuse. If you don’t learn a trade or do anything to improve your life and you expect manna to come from Heavens, you will either steal or prostitute; and if you do either of these, you will end up destroying your destiny. But if you know you have a good plan for yourself, you should try and stay under your parents and obey the laws. I am not saying you can’t come across one or two misfortunes in life, but you can avoid it when you stay on the right tracks.
Was it a case of infatuation or love?
It was infatuation. It couldn’t have been real love because I didn’t know what real love was then.
How do you relate to your son now?
I relate to him very well. I call him my correction. Everything I did wrong, he is doing it right. He is 19 years old now and he is a wonderful young chap. Every mother will say that about her child. But when outsiders say that about your child, then, you know you are not trying to massage your ego. I thank God I have a good product in the society. I am not trying to praise him overboard, but he knows his boundaries; so, I thank God for everything.
What is it like being a single parent?
It is not a child’s play at all. There was a time he lived with his dad because I have to fulfill all righteousness. He wanted him and we discussed it, so I allowed him to go. But circumstances still warranted me to be in the custody of the child now. So, raising him alone is a blessing to me. It has made me strong. Whatever decision I make, I make sure I put him into consideration. I thank God I am not lazy; at least, I have been able to feed him well, clothe him well and give him good education. It has not been easy, but being a single parent has made me who I am today.
You are the only child of your mum and you have so far had only him, so aren’t you bothered?
I don’t see it as something bizarre. I have loads of cousins and I have stepbrothers and stepsisters.
But I am particular about your own?
I am going to get married and I am going to have more children. But for now, it is just my career and me. My son is a grown-up; so, I am not nursing anymore.
You have never been married, so you are considering getting married now?
But what are the qualities you want in your-would-be man?
From experience, I want a real man, an African man. Well, not a tyrant. But then, he should be in charge. I want a father figure and I want my own husband.
Why has it been hard for you to get a man who has all the qualities?
I won’t say hard because I sure have suitors. I am, however, waiting for the God-ordained one. I don’t want to make any mistake. There are so many factors that lead to separation in marriage. If you marry outside the will of God, there will be a crack or separation along the line. It is a sacred thing.
So, it should not be because you have come of age or because you desire it or because you are searching. If you rush into it, you will rush out of it. These are the things we should learn and accept in life. Some people are not meant to get married! So, I won’t say because I have suitors, I will rush into marriage. A lot of them will tell you they will marry you, but iro ni won pa( they are lying). They probably just want to use you to ‘pose’ as their wife, given that you an actress. After three months, one year or so, it will pack up. I have pressure from my mum and others to get married. They say they will buy gele and aso.
But I might shock them because I might only pick gele. I don’t want any elaborate ceremony. So, it depends on what God has designed for me. I am not finding it hard to get a husband. At the set time, the right person will come my way.
But some believe you don’t want to get married because you have all that a man may want to give you?
I tell a lot of guys that I can’t have anything to do with them, but we can be friends because, at the end of the day, nothing good will come out of it. I can’t allow myself to be used as a display thing. Some of them even have fiancés tucked abroad and they date you for months and years. But before you know what it is happening, they are gone.
