IN this second part, we will be looking at more helpful counsel on how to build trust in relationships. Remember, last week, we listed the barriers to building trust. Therefore, in order to build trust in a relationship, we have to overcome these barriers and ensure they don’t act as stumbling blocks. Here are some useful tips that might be of great help.
Have an open mind: It is important in a relationship to be as open and honest as possible. Sometimes, husband and wife lie to each other to avoid lying to each other. That is something they should think about when they are indulging in the dishonest act, not at the time of disclosure. If you think twice about what you’re doing and how it will hurt your partner, if you really care for him/her, you won’t do it. If you’re constantly hiding things and not being sincere, it affects the relationship and kills trust.
Effective communication: Communication forms the core – an integral part of building trust and sustaining a relationship. Communication does not involve one person doing all the talking. Communicating effectively involves both partners, contributing their fair share to the conversation and listening when the other talks. It involves laying your cards on the table and telling it like it is, talking about your deeper emotions and feelings. It means being straightforward about your needs and expectations. So that you don’t go on saying that your observation is not your expectation.
Forgiveness: Building trust in a relationship also involves being able to forgive your partner for the hurt he may have caused you in the past. If you can’t do that and insist on clinging to petty problems or keep bringing up old issues, the relationship will die a natural death. Or one or both of you is or are going to be extremely unhappy. If you decide to continue in a relationship despite the hurt your partner may have inflicted on you in the past and would like to work on rebuilding the trust, you have to be willing to wipe the slate clean and start all over.
Ability to put oneself in another’s place, or feeling for the other person (empathy)
when problems come up or difficult situations arise, as they are bound to, it is important to show concern for your partner’s feelings and be sensitive to their needs. Even if you do not agree with the course of action and he does not take your advice, support him in his time of despair. If you understand his deepest desires and identify with his interests, he is more inclined to trust you with his feelings. If you throw them back in his face, ridicule him or rub it in when he’s stumbled and fallen, he will not be inclined to trust you.
Learn to maintain positive feelings: If your partner has never given you reasons to doubt him, then don’t. What’s that line about someone not being guilty unless proven otherwise? If you’re always suspicious and doubting his motives, jealous and quick to jump to conclusions (often the wrong ones), it will be very difficult to build trust. Treat your partner just the way you would want to be treated with love and respect.
Building trust in a relationship doesn’t come with a snap of the fingers. It takes hard work and commitment, but once you have it and work to keep it alive, you will reap the fruits of it.
Be truthful: Unless you’re planning a surprise party for your spouse, you should never lie to your husband or wife. Even small lies such as saying you’re working late when you’re shooting pool with your friends are a bad idea. You’ll likely get caught in the lie, and suddenly your spouse will be wondering what else you’re lying about.
Be reliable: Follow through on your promises big and small. If you tell your spouse you’re going to meet him or her at 8 p.m. at your house, be there on time. Promised to bring home milk? Bring home the milk. Of course, the big ones, such as fidelity and being there through sickness and health, for richer or poorer, also fall under this umbrella.
Set boundaries: The green monster, jealousy, tends to rear its ugly head and threaten trust when couples don’t set boundaries with those outside their marriage or relationship, if you know it bothers your spouse when you flirt with that co-worker, then keep it professional. Don’t set up lunch dates with that ex who always calls. Make sure your spouse knows that he or she is your number one priority. Let your spouse know that he/ she comes first, and that there’s nothing going on. Talk about everything, keep no secret.
Be trusting yourself: Unless your partner gives you a real reason to mistrust or doubt his or her honesty, you should trust him or her. This means that you should never accuse your spouse of cheating or lying to you unless you have hard evidence. Without proof, you’ll just create an air of mistrust. It’ll make your partner doubt your honesty too. You should have faith in your husband’s or wife’s faithfulness and honesty. You must believe what he or she tells you.
Be fair: Don’t let your partner pay for the sins of your exes. If you had unfaithful or dishonest exes, you should have worked that out with them. Your spouse is his or her own person and has already chosen to commit to a life with you. He or she should be judged on his or her own actions.
Trust yourself: Your heart led you to this man or woman. Your emotion told you that he or she was worthy of your love. Your mind told you to marry him or her. If you trust yourself, you know you made the right choice. And that’s a strong foundation on which to build trust.
Trust, after all, is the glue that holds relationships together even when they face great challenges. Without trust, relationships might be more likely to split in times of crises, fail at getting intimate and have doubts about each other. Spouse who trusts each other has security and probably feel closer.
Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj, blog: liwh.com.ng
