To teachers, many pupils have dual character. But parents do not like to hear that their children who look like saints at home are something else in school. This flaw in character is more obvious when there is a lacuna between the home and the school, reports KOFOWOROLA BELO-OSAGIE.
Years have passed since Mrs Bolaji Salau (not real name) was beaten by thugs because a pupil lied against her. The truth has since been known, but the wounds have not healed despite the intervening years. Last year, at a Parents’ Forum organised by the Lagos State Education District I to prepare Senior Secondary School (SS3) pupils for the Senior School Certificate Examination (SSCE), Mrs Salau shared her story, starting like this: “Parents, don’t always believe what your children tell you; they lie a lot.”
The pupil in question had skipped school that day and gone to play football. However, like it happens in such escapades, he was hit in the eye by a shot that left his face swollen. He needed to explain the swollen face at home so he came up with the story that Mrs Salau beat him. His parents were enraged and they followed him to school the next day, with thugs in tow. On sighting the teacher, the thugs did what they had been paid for. It was after the dust settled that they found out the truth: the boy had not been in school the previous day.
Many school administrators and teachers complain that parents believe their children are angels who can do no harm. On the contrary, Vice Chancellor (VC) of Bells University of Technology (BELLSTECH) in Ota, Ogun State, Prof Isaac Adeyemi says many children have dual character.
“The challenges we are facing should not be left in the hands of those of us who manage them. So parents have key roles to play. Most parents don’t know their children. They (students) live dual lives. At home, they are like angels; outside, they do what they like. That is why we need cooperation between parents and the school,” he said.
Otunba Dele Olapeju, Principal of King’s College can identify with that as a parent. He told The Nation that he was shocked to see another side of his son on the social media.
He said: “Take myself as an example. My son is in Babcock; and he wanted me to send money to him. I looked at his Facebook photographs. I saw two of those photographs as showing him as wild and wane – you know some of these cosmic and horror types of pictures. And I said ‘I will not send money to you until you go and delete those photographs from your Facebook’, and he did. That is the extent to which a son of a principal is another person in school. ”
Mr Emmanuel Adedayo Ojo, Proprietor of Jextoban Secondary School in Ketu, Lagos, said parents must make efforts to know their wards. He explained that many children have dual character because of peer pressure.
“Parents must know their children. Many children have double personalities. At home, they may look like angels. In school, maybe because of peer pressure, they are totally different. If parents are not very close to their children, they may not know who they are rearing. So it is important for parents to know their children and be ready to follow them up,” he said.
Lack of parental supervision damages children in the long run, making them to turn to vices, says Dr Dokun Adedeji, who runs a non-governmental organisation that rehabilitates drug addicts. He was the keynote speaker at a seminar organised by the Bells University Parents Forum on drug abuse. Adedeji said 90 per cent of teenagers that do drugs are aged 15-29, when most are still under their parents.
He shared a story of how a rich couple’s only son was lured into drugs at the age of 11 by an older relative who was staying with them. The parents only detected years later after the boy had been expelled from secondary school.
He urged parents to be friends with their children in order to know when things go wrong.
“Parents, I plead with you to be friends with your children. You better be alert to things happening in their lives,” he said.
He said parents must be alert to changes in their children’s behaviour such as withdrawal, locking rooms. He said children doing drugs can deceive their parents by covering up their deeds.
“Marijuana leaves are used to cook jollof rice, garnish noodles, brew drinks or cook soup and they will look like vegetables,” he said.
Adedeji added that children could be driven to do drugs or other vices because of unmet needs at home.
“Many times, children give signs of unmet needs through rascality. When they are unsatisfied, they can do wrong to get their parents’ attention,” he said.
Mrs Veronica Akhaine, senior boarding house mistress at The Apostolic Secondary School in Anthony, Lagos said children have unmet needs when parents do not spend adequate time with them.
“The first and foremost thing that comes to my mind is that parents should give their children time. Many of our parents, these days, do not have time for their children. By the special grace of God I have worked for over 10 years as a hostel officer and interact with parents on a daily basis. I have discovered that so many parents do not have time for their children and because of that those children have developed a way of living dual lives, yet parents can come to school and almost fight you swearing, ‘my child can never do this’, but we in the school and hostel we see them better and we know the children better.”
Mr James Akpan (not real name) found out recently that he did not really know his son. He was angry with the school for suspending his son, a Primary Two pupil, for two weeks for fighting. This was especially so when he learnt that his opponent got a lighter sentence.
Recounting the shock the man received when he got to the school, his friend (name withheld) told The Nation:
“The teacher took him to the class and asked the boy’s classmates to tell Akpan about his son. That was how he learnt that his son was unruly and usually distrupted the class. He left the school ashamed,” he said.
Rather than cover up when their children do wrong, Dr Temitope Akpelishi, Medical Director, Bells Varsity Health Centre said parents should seek help.
“Parents, please do not cover up your children. A parent withdrew his child because he had been caught taking marijuana four times. If that child is taken to a new school but not fully rehabilitated, the problem will reoccur,” she said.
Dr Fatiregun Olamijulo, of the Federal-Neuropsychiatric Hospital in Yaba, Lagos Mainland also said living in denial helps neither parents nor the children.
Narrating a story, he said: “Many of us live in denial. About six months ago, two professors brought their last born who had low blood pressure, which is a symptom of drug use. He denied using drugs. His mother too denied and said the boy was a choir leader in the church.
“Parents, stop living in denial; be there for your children. They need some mentoring. When it fails at home, they come to school and find mentors – the big boys and girls.”
Adedeji added that If parents provide a firm foundation for their children, they would be able to overcome the challenges youths face.
“The ability of students to withstand peer pressure depends on the foundation you lay. You cannot take away the internet, phones from them but you can give them a firm foundation,” he said.
Mrs Titilayo Odutola, proprietress of Rockleft School in Surulere, Lagos said building such foundation takes careful nurturing.
“If you don’t take time to nurture your future today, then tomorrow there is going to be a lot of problem because these children are the leaders of tomorrow. We don’t have a choice. We keep complaining about Nigeria; we can make Nigeria what we want, through grooming the children. Through nurturing them the way we want them to be tomorrow. Like the saying goes, once a child is broken, then that child is broken; it will take the grace of God to bring back that child to life,” she said.
After doing all they can, Mrs Akhaine said parents should also pray for their children.
“I think parents need to go along with prayers because parenting is a task from heaven, and it’s only God that can help parents.”
