Tag: widowhood

  • Restarting life after widowhood

    Restarting life after widowhood

    Widows can lead a rewarding life after grief and growth stages. So says financial planner and author, Kathleen M. Rehl.

    Five years after my husband died, I wrote in my journal: “I am so much more than just a widow. I’m a thriving independent woman!”

    Yes, I was firmly in Stage 3 of widowhood — transformation — after navigating the first two phases of grief and growth. Like many other women who also have also experienced the terrible ache of widowhood, the third phase was quite gratifying for me.

    Betsie Van Der Meer

    This is when a widow is past the painfully vulnerable and confusing grief of Stage 1. There, she focused on immediate needs, applied for death benefits, checked her cash flow and didn’t make big, irrevocable financial decisions. In yoga terms, it was simply a time to breathe.

    Moving into Stage 2 (growth), a widow takes care of financial business beyond the basics: updating her will and beneficiary forms, evaluating investments for appropriateness, making necessary changes with insurance coverage, deciding whether to stay in her house or relocate, and considering pre- or post-retirement choices.

    If a widow has minor children, she thinks about money implications as a single-parent family. A widow’s life begins to feel more in balance during this growth stage.

    Read Also: Women protest harmful widowhood practices in Anambra

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    For me, writing and speaking about widows and their financial issues become my passion, my mission. Indeed, this focus of helping my “widowed sisters” and their financial advisors became an important part of my own healing process.

    Spending time with friends and family or taking on a new, enjoyable hobby may bring happiness to a widow during Stage 3. She’ll want to budget accordingly, taking into consideration some increased costs for these activities.

    Don’t be a purse; leave your own legacy

    During Stage 3, what I refer to as “legacy lifeprint,” activities can be gratifying. These actions involve sharing a widow’s stories, values and gifts for future generations. (Some of these activities are also referred to as legacy wills or legacy letters.)

    They can take several forms, including print, photo, video and audio recordings or documents. It might be a scrapbook, painting, memory book, cookbook of favorite family recipes, video and more. A special charitable component may also be included.

    For example, several years after my friend Judy’s husband died, she expanded her legacy planning to benefit her family in a distinctive way. Working with her local community foundation, she created a fund that will pay an income to her two children after she passes on. They will each receive an annual check on or about their birthday every year.

     She thinks this is a great gift that will keep giving throughout her children’s lives.

    Don’t forget to date again: A romance with someone who has lost a spouse may progress at a different pace.

  • Talk show to tackle widowhood, depression in women holds Saturday

    She-EO (Executive Officer), a talk show style event for women is set to tackle issues around widowhood, career success, depression, and money anxiety disorders among women.

    To achieve this, the Founder of She-EO, Temitope Fajingbesi-Balogun said the evolving issues will be addressed at the fourth edition of She-EO tomorrow, Saturday, January 12 at the Nigerian Law School, Victoria Island, Lagos state, from 9 to 5pm.

    According to her, She-EO is an interactive and socially engaging female-only platform which provides a veritable avenue for women to discuss and share ideas on gender-sensitive issues and proffer solutions to help participants deal with such problems.

    The seminar, she said aims to be a talking point for women to share their real life experiences with other women who might be going through similar rough patches, with a view to inspiring them to excellence in spite of challenges.

    “She-EO is a talk show style event for only 100 women in a room, discussing issues that matters to African women which they do not like to discuss in the open but which must be discussed because they matter.

    “We will discuss relationships, love, finances, investments, business, fashion and health among other things. We will also address issues of personal growth and community engagement, with specific emphasis on financial, mental and societal barriers that inhibit the growth and progress of the African woman in a male-dominated society.”

    She urged women to view themselves in the right perspectives.

    “Our biggest problem as women is perspective. Women are created to be emotional. How you feel of yourself as a woman drives a man and this is what She EO is here to solve. As a woman, you must perceive yourself as worthy of whatever you have achieved and not be moved by your challenge because your success comes from how you perceive yourself,” she said.

    According to her, the discussions at the seminar will focus on getting Nigerian women equipped with tools to survive mental traumas and stress, spotlight on the male perspectives on issues that affect women in the African society. Fajingbesi-Balogun noted that the ultimate mission of the initiative is to motivate women in Nigeria to become change agents in their families, organisations and communities, and to make them passionate about leaving a better world for future generations.

    “The event is expected to host an assembly of key personalities, including women professionals and Chief Executive Officers of notable companies, corporate executives, human resource professionals, media personalities, mental health experts, civil society organisations and diplomats,” she said.

    She noted that SheEO started in 2017 and it holds every second Saturday of the year to enable women begin the year with set goals.

    “What will be unique about this year’s edition is that we will asides the women who will speak, also have four men in the room who will talk to the women, we will ask questions and get the male perspective about women.

    “Women who need business partners, career coach and mentors will have their needs met. This talk show will make the year different for all participants and enable them accomplish their New Year resolutions, knowing that women are disadvantaged globally. ”

    She said She EO will help develop Nigeria because women have the potential to develop the nation. “Women own most of the small businesses in the country today and this is why we are set out to develop women because they have a link to economic growth,” she said.

  • ‘Why I was compelled  to treat widowhood’

    ‘Why I was compelled to treat widowhood’

    Abubakar Adam Ibrahim’s debut novel Season of Crimson Blossoms has won this year’s Nigerian Liquefied Natural Gas (NLNG), Nigerian Prize for Literature.  A multiple award winner and a Journalist, Ibrahim is unarguably one of Nigeria’s most promising young writers.  In this encounter with Edozie Udeze he digs deep into his style, the thematic thrust of his story and what more to expect from him henceforth. 

    When you set out to write this book, did you expect it to take you this far?

    When I was writing, my preoccupation was with the story, not about its potential mileage. I was focused on telling a good story, and because it is a complicated story with complicated and very sensitive background issues, it was very important to keep it real and focus on the story than on how far it could possibly take me as a writer. I think stories determine their own life span and their mileage and it would be foolhardy for a writer to focus on the possible outcome of a story at the expense of the craft itself.

    The major issue you discussed is widowhood in the North.How has it really been handled by native laws and traditions?

    The major focus was not widowhood in the north but the relationships between people with the different baggage that they bring along as a result of the varied backgrounds they have. It just so happens that a widow is the central character in the story and being a widow deprives her of certain considerations from people. They are judged more harshly, and some of their basic needs are taken for granted and if they make attempts to have these needs met, they are called names. The character of BintaZubairu was not treated badly because she is a widow but rather because she was adjudged to have strayed from societal expectations of her.

    But speaking generally about the conditions of widows in the north, I suppose it is the same everywhere in Nigeria. Yes, they may not be subjected to vile cultural practices such as drinking the water their husbands’ corpses have been washed in or subjected to the rituals of having their hair cut, they are often cheated out of their inheritance by the people who should secure these rights for them. I think there needs to be a conscious effort to protect widows. A situation where police officers feel the need to sexually exploit with the widows of their colleagues with the promise of helping them pursue their husbands’ benefits and entitlements is an indictment on our collective consciousness as a people. There is an urgent need to do more to protect widows and other disadvantaged persons in society.

    What is the position of a widow in the society in a Muslim setting?

    In the Muslim setting there is generally more sympathy for the widow than there is in other parts of the country. They are generally treated better, they are not inherited, as widows in other parts tend to be, they are not often accused of being responsible for their husbands’ deaths and are not subjected to any vile traditional practices to prove their innocence. With regards to inheritance, Islamic law is very clear about the percentage of their husbands’ wealth they are entitled to as individuals and they are granted custody of the children by law up until a certain period and if certain considerations are met. But there are instances where family members cheat them out of their inheritance, where they are arm-twisted into forfeiting certain rights the law has given them. Where the husband has no wealth to be inherited, the widows often suffer neglect from relatives. But on the whole, there is generally more empathy for the widow in the Muslim setting with members of the community often chipping in to help. But at the same time there are societal expectations that the widow should remain chaste until such a time as when she remarries, which is something the character of BintaZubairu failed to do in the novel.

    What other social problem of the North do  you intend to handle next?

    I don’t go about hunting for social problems to tackle in my novels. I just write stories and if these stories have anything to do with social issues, if these social issues happen to form a backdrop to the story because of the time or setting of the story, then I ensure I tackle it as objectively as possible. I think, for artists, the art should have prevalence than the message, where there is a message because principally, one is an artist not a propagandist. If I were a lecturer or public speaker or even an essayist,  I would have had a ready answer for you. But I am a writer, which means I am an artist first and my first allegiance is to my art, not necessarily to identifying and projecting social problems. That is what journalists are charged with doing. Writers are better off examining the human condition that results from any of these issues when they wish to engage them.

    What other influence[s] do you derive from Gabriel Garcia Marquez as a writer?

    Marquez may have had an influence on my style, but so have so many other writers. A writer’s style is something that is shaped according to what appeals to him and how he chooses to express himself and inasmuch as Marquez’s magical realism fascinates me and it is something I sometimes dabble into, I am more grounded in realism. I am influenced by many other writers as well and I am also influenced by the peculiarities of where I am from, from our story telling traditions and my personality as well have all melded in shaping the style in which I write.

    With this NLNG award have you really justified your inclusion as one of 39 most promising African writers as espoused in the Hay Festival Africa 39?

    I had no idea I needed to justify my inclusion in the Africa39 list. But even if that were the case, I think it is not my place to say. The Africa39 list says it is a compilation of the most promising African Writers with the potential to define future trends in African Writing. I have just written a book, which so happens to have won an award, in terms of its influence and impact on “African writing”, which in itself is a rather broad and ambiguous term, I think that remains to be seen. Perhaps in a few years, critics might be able to look back and say this is the case. Regardless, my preoccupation when writing my novel was to tell a good story in a beautiful way, not necessarily to define any trends. I don’t think writers bother about defining trends, they just write.

    Journalism is your first forte.How has it guided you as a novelist?

    For me it has been the other way round. My fiction writing has had a greater influence on my journalism than vice versa. I was first a writer before becoming a journalist and I suppose I will always be a writer long after I have given up journalism.

    Is NLNG prize justified in its winner take it all philosophy/How and why?

    This question has been debated for long. I suppose it is the same principle that applies to other literary prizes such as the Booker Prize and the Pulitzer and even the Nobel, which is not really a competition but a conferment. In that regards, you could say that is the norm that the winner takes all. But when you have an incredible shortlist, such as the one that we had this year, when you have friends lumped into a shortlist for the same prize, you wonder if there could be alternatives to the formula. But people have always wondered if there would be alternatives, I mean the Nigeria Prize for Literature is one of the most Lucrative literature prizes not only in Africa but in the world. It pays higher than the Booker Prize, and ten times what the Pulitzer Prize is worth. With that kind of money going to one person you wonder if there could be alternatives, especially in climes where the focus tends to be more on the money than on the literary merits of the shortlisted books, where the publishing industry is in dire straits and is likely to collapse on its face. But I have heard NLNG officials explain that they are only concerned with rewarding excellence and are not keen on a sharing formula for the prize. I don’t think I am in a place now to say if this stand is justified because no matter how you look at it, my position is compromised by virtue of being announced the winner of the prize. But I believe the publishing industry needs all the support it can get, even if you want to argue that they are private businesses that should be able to stand on their feet, the truth is that they are rendering a very crucial service to our collective consciousness as publishers of works that interrogate and explore our reality. It may be a business, but right now, it is being driven by passion and a zeal for public service than any economic gains the publishers are making. There are avenues for the private sector and other agencies to come in and chip in.

  • Metamorphosis of widowhood

    Metamorphosis of widowhood

    No longer a solitary segment of the Igbo society, widows now seem to have become a veritable tool in the hands of politicians. But traditional rulers say it is a desecration of tradition, writes OKODILI NDIDI

    They used to be withdrawn, their words measured as much as their steps. Society was expected to be kind to them but not many freely associated with them. They bore the burden of their husbands’ death, sometimes even accused or suspected of having a hand in it. In some parts, there is a tradition that a widow be acquired as a wife by any of her late husband’s relatives. Though this practice is waning, thanks to the spread of the Christian faith, widows are still denied access to their late husband’s property.

    Those days of quietude seem over for the widows of the Southeast. They have since cast off the cloak of dejection and found a voice on various platforms.

    In Imo State, for instance, various political parties have their own groups of widows, funded and serviced as a tool to whip up public sentiment against their opponents.

    For the fact that the presence of widows in their traditional black attire provokes pity even in the heart of the strongest, they have been used in political protests, even over matters that do not in any way concern their welfare.

    In Imo, the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) seems to have taken advantage of the women to pursue their ambition. Not too long ago, hundreds of widows were mobilised by the Minister of State for Education, Professor Viola Onwuliri, who is also a widow, to invade the Imo State Government House with a mock coffin in denunciation of Governor Rochas Okorocha over what was believed to be political disagreement.

    Another group of widows was also used to disrupt the state governorship debate organised by the Catholic Diocese of Owerri, when they stormed the venue in large numbers, adorning their trademark black as usual and disrupted the proceedings by protesting against the state Governor.

    Also in so many other cases, these widows have been incited by politicians, who take advantage of their poverty and deprivation to breach public peace, while they watch from a safe distance.

    Condemning what they called the desecration of the widowhood institution, traditional rulers warned against further misuse of the widows by mischievous politicians to incite crisis and sow the seed of discord among the people.

    The state chairman of the Traditional Rulers’ Council, Eze Agunwa Ohiri, described the practice as a taboo and an insult to the memory of the husbands of the widows.

    He said, “It is a dangerous desperation by politicians to use widows for their campaigns and this has to stop. It is a desecration of our tradition for widows that are still mourning their husbands to suddenly take to the streets to protest over political matters that does not concern them”.

    Speaking further, he said, “We are not going to allow this to continue and very soon we are going to pass a law that will deal severely with any politician or any other group that takes undue advantage of the widows in this state”.

    Also condemning the act, Governor Okorocha, while reacting to the invasion of the Government House by the widows, said that the opposition party mobilised women from neighbouring states and dressed them up in mourning clothes to make them appear to be widows in order to breach public peace in the state.

    He noted that the genuine widows in the state have been taken care of by his administration and could not be involved in any plot to disrupt the peace of the state.

    Also condemning the development, Chief Cletus Ibezimako, expressed worry that if the growing influence of the widows was not checked it could lead to the death of many young men.

    In his words, “if you look at what is happening today, widowhood has become a lucrative business. Widows now make huge sums of money holding protests for politicians and participating in fraudulent empowerment programmes. This is so much that even women whose husbands are still alive now wear mourning clothes and join the widows in protest.

    “Now the question is if these women whose husbands are still alive could join widows in protest to collect easy money, where is the guarantee of their husbands’ lives? Widowhood has now become a social club where women flaunt their wealth and position and this is worrisome and should be checked”.

    A leader of one of the groups of widows, Mrs. Eunice Njoku, who defended the actions of the widows, said that they have decided to take their destinies into their hands instead of languishing in abject poverty and dejection.

    She said, “We are not doing anything unusual. We are also part of the society despite the fact that we are widows, so when we see policies that affect us negatively or where we are exposed to any form of discrimination, we resist it through peaceful protests as a means to drive home our demands and no one can say that we have been violent in any way”.

     

  • Don seeks end to harmful widowhood practices

    Don seeks end to harmful widowhood practices

    Like the voice in the wilderness, Prof. Catherine Ikodiya Oreh has raised her voice in support of the crusade against dehumanising practices on widows in Nigeria and most Third World countries. She urged men to desist from giving support to those harmful practices that dehumanise widows.

    Oreh, a professor of Adult Education/Community Development at the University of Nigeria Nsukka, spoke at the 80th Inaugural Lecture of the university at Princess Alexandra Auditorium, Nsukka Campus.

    In her paper entitled“Igbo Cultural Widowhood Practices: Reflections on Inadvertent Weapons of Retrogression in Community Development”, Prof. Oreh said the loss of a spouse (particularly the husband) is associated with extreme painful and distressful experience in addition to other risks and challenges to the wife.

    She condemned the practices which subjugate widows, leaving them with no hope and no security. She listed other challenges widows encounter to include disruptions of relationships, deteriorating health and physical capacity as well as declining financial resources.

    The practices, she maintained, have far-reaching consequences on the widow, her children and the community. All these, she said, are factors affecting development in various communities.

    She described community development as a process that “brings about improvements in the life of people through changes in the conditions of their community”, and that “women generally have greater potential for community development.”

    The 80th Inaugural Lecture emphasised the position of the United Nations General Assembly on widows which, she said, called on member-states and other international organisations to end all negative practices associated with widowhood.

    Prof. Oreh noted that no matter the challenges associated with widowhood, the practices would soon be brought to an end. To achieve this, she recommended education as the only tool to cope effectively and the bedrock of community development.

    She, therefore, called for sensitisation and empowerment of widows to improve their knowledge on how to avoid being victims or perpetrators as well as knowing when their rights are trampled upon and to fight against it. The enlightenment, she said, would improve widows’ standard in education, health and finance. It would help them play active roles in the society.

    Moreover, she recommended the joint ownership of properties by husband and wife as it would not require letters of administration for either of the partners to claim the estates when a partner dies.

    She also stated that it would be acceptable and pleasing if fathers and/or husbands would write wills, stating clearly how their properties should be shared in the event of death.

    She urged them to update their wills with data of their wives rather than that of their siblings or parents. This, she said, would go a long way in helping their wives not to experience such dehumanising practices when they die.

    Prof. Oreh called on Christian organisations, such as Christian Council of Nigerian (CCN) and the Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN), to speak with one voice against the malpractices and come up with consistent policies against infringement on widows’ rights.

    She also said the government should enact laws that will protect widows, even as she advised that such laws should have clear structures of implementation at the grassroots. She said community-based organisations should be involved as a task force to monitor and enforce sanctions on defaulters.

    Prof. Oreh also asked the Ministry of Women Affairs in various states to scale up activities which will integrate and involve women groups at the grassroots to provide information for widows on who they can take their complaints to when harassed.

    Urging the audience to join in the fight against harmful widowhood practices, she spoke of the intention of the Department of Adult Education, in collaboration with the Agencies for Mass Literacy, Adult and non-formal Education to develop programmes on Probate Education which would aim at sensitising the entire polity on the rights of widows.

    She opined that enforcement of harmful widowhood practices is violence against women, adding that it would make widowhood exhaustive and traumatic Noting that it would require a radical approach to change the plight of widows, the don said community development movement should function as a radical movement for social change.

    Prof. Oreh noted that if development in Nigeria and in every community must be enhanced, it would be appropriate if all traditional or cultural practices that inhibit full participation of women in development process are removed.

    “All legal, political and cultural constraints that tend to impede women’s access to higher productivity must be checked and removed to ensure adequate and proper exploitation of their potential for national and community development.