By FUNMI AKINGBADE
The primary reason for this column is to guide married couples to have blissful sex lives. So, I have gathered some facts about the patterns of male and female sex drives as established by researchers and sex therapists. However, couples should bear in mind that individual sex drive may vary from these norms. According to the National Opinion Research Centre, the average couple reports having sex 66 times a year. Couples under age 30 say they have sex an average of 109 times a year. The average number drops to 70 times per year for 40-somethings and 52 times a year for couples in their 50s.
Experts say sex drive differ across gender divide, arguing that women’s sexual inclinations are more complicated than men’s. While men may be rigid and specific about what arouses them, women have less-directed sex drives. Researchers say women are more likely to be influenced by lots of irrelevant things and factors. Sexual desire in women is extremely sensitive to environment and context.
Experts say men score higher in libido, while women’s sex drive is more about intimacy. That does not mean that men do not seek intimacy, love, and connection in a relationship, just as women do; most men crave more foreplay, they just view the role of sex differently. “Women want to talk first, connect first, and then have sex. For men, sex is the connection. Sex is the language men use to express their tender loving vulnerable side. “It is their language of intimacy.” Successive studies illustrate that a man’s sex drive is not only stronger than woman’s but also more straightforward. The sources of a woman’s libido, by contrast, are more difficult to pin down. It is common wisdom that women place more value on emotional connection as a spark of sexual desire.
Men want sex more often than women at the start of a relationship, in the middle of it, and after many years of it. About two-thirds say they masturbate, even though they feel guilty about it; but they are forced to do it due to rejection by their wives. Many married men confessed to having cheated on their wives; though they claimed to feel guilty about it, they blamed their indiscretion on their wives’ insensitivity to their sexual needs, fantasies and lack of innovation and tastelessness.
Men and women travel slightly different paths to arrive at sexual desire. I hear women say in my office that sexual desire originates more between their ears than between their legs. For most married women, there is the need for a plan hence the romance affection and the foreplay. It is more about the anticipation, how you get there; it is the longing that is the fuel for desire. “A woman’s desire is more contextual, more subjective, more layered on a lattice of emotion,” according to experts. Men, by contrast, don’t need to have nearly as much imagination, since sex is simpler and more straightforward for them.
Most married women are influenced by the attitude of their peer group in their decisions about sex. Wives, who are not ‘religious’ are likely to have liberal attitudes about sex, they let go and release themselves to the pleasure sex has to offer than the most ‘religious’ ones. Recent studies reveal that married women with higher education levels were more likely to have performed a wider variety of sexual practices; education, however, made less of a difference with men. Women were more likely to show inconsistency between their expressed values about sexual activities
Most married women under age 60, for instance, think about sex less than once a day.
While the majority of married men under 60 think about sex at least once a day. Only about a quarter of married women report this level of frequency. As men and women age, they fantasize less about sex but married men still fantasize about twice as often. Men reported more spontaneous sexual arousal and had more frequent and varied fantasies. context of a faithful and loving relationship.
Married women over 50 are more likely to report orgasm when a sexual event takes place in a totally strange environment. Researchers speculate that the coming together of long separated spouses may find the novelty of a new experience arousing.
Most second round sex is safe and healthy, sex therapists say. In addition, it can improve sexual function and relationships by teaching both spouses about their own sexual responses, so they are better able to explain to their partner what feels good to them. However, spouses who become too obsessed with third round sex may develop sexual problems or lose interest in sex with their partners.
Women experience orgasms differently than men; while researchers find it tricky to quantify issues like the differing quality of male versus female orgasms, they do have data on how long it takes men and women to get there.
A study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that the duration before an average married man ejaculates during sexual intercourse from the beginning of intercourse until ejaculation was 7.4 minutes, while the appropriate time should be 12 to 15 minutes. The average penis length is between eight and 10 inches when aroused and averages around 4.6 inches when flaccid. A man’s flaccid penis varies in size considerably because of various environmental factors and their effects on the sympathetic nervous system. Cold water and cold air are perhaps the best known causes of this “shrinkage” phenomenon but psychological stress can do the same thing. It is advisable to stay off stress and if you have a shrinking penis kindly contact me.
Only 10% of married men reported a preference for oral sex to achieve orgasm, while 6% of married women reported that preference. Men are more likely to reach orgasm during intercourse but women are more likely to reach orgasm when they engage in intercourse or foreplay.
Most married women cannot have an orgasm without direct stimulation of the clitoris so they need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. For women who have trouble achieving orgasm, incorporating clitoral stimulation into sexual activity may be all that is necessary. The G-spot is described as a sexually sensitive part of a woman’s anatomy found in the anterior canal wall. However, some experts note that there is no unique anatomical structure where the G-spot is supposed to be located. If the G-spot exists, it is best described as an erogenous zone rather than a part of a woman’s anatomy.
Researchers who tracked 914 married men for 20 years found that having sex twice or more a week reduced the risk of fatal heart attack by half, compared with those who had sex less than once a month. They also found frequency of sex was not associated with stroke.
Although, 80 percent of couples report that the husband wants sex more often than his wife does, this may be a distorted number partly because of the way we define sexual desire. Most of us typically think of sexual desire as a hunger for sex-often with sexual thoughts or fantasies-that prompts us to initiate sex.
It turns out, however, that most women experience a receptive type of sexual desire. Many years of research confirm that for many women, desire is” triggered” by thoughts and emotions arising during sexual excitement, not before. So, when a husband becomes frustrated because he wants his wife to pursue him sexually and he believes that she has no interest in sex because she doesn’t do that, he’s actually not giving her enough credit. Most women will respond positively to sexual advances; they just don’t initiate them because that’s not the way they are designed.
Since our culture defines sexual desire as initiating or seeking behaviour, we don’t identify a women’s receptivity as desire. This is a key area of misunderstanding between husbands and wives. Many women have commented to me,” I enjoy sex once we’re 10 to 15 minutes into foreplay, and I think, wow! We should do this more often! However, during the week, I hardly ever think about it. I wish I felt more sexual than I do, because I enjoy the closeness it brings.”
Most of us assume our partner should act the way we do. By recognising that most men are proactive with sex, while most women are reactive and accepting and respecting those differences, we can allow a woman ‘s type of sexual desire to “count.”
QUESTION ONE
Are we on the right path?
I am blood ‘O’ negative and my husband is also blood ‘O’ positive but I noticed that on two occasions when I needed blood transfusion during pregnancy, he donated blood for me and I suffered miscarriages. Is this a spell on us or does it has to do with my husband’s blood? I am confused. -Mrs. Adijatu Friday
Actually, blood type ‘O’ negative is the only blood type that can be used by anyone if your husband had blood ‘O’ negative, I am certain that the pregnancy may have been saved. Maybe there are other reasons for this but I need you to know that ideally, you should get your own blood type if you need a transfusion. But in an emergency, O negative can be used by anyone with any blood type. That’s because it doesn’t have any of the antigens — A, B, or Rh — that can lead your immune system to attack it. About 27% of people around the world have O negative blood. Although people with AB positive can use blood from anyone, they’re known as “universal recipients” because their blood has all the antigens — A, B, and Rh. If you have this type, your body will recognize any other blood type as its own. If not blood Rh negative is a factor that can cause problems during pregnancy. A woman’s blood can attack her baby’s blood cells if she’s Rh negative and the baby is Rh positive. This is called rhesus disease, and medication can prevent it. If you’re pregnant, you should have a blood test to find out your Rh factor. If you’re Rh negative, your doctor will recommend that you take the medication to be safe.
QUESTION TWO
I got married about seven years ago and the marriage is blessed with two lovely kids. I fall in the category of men who did not experiment sexually before marriage due to parental strictness and guidance (a blessing in disguise, you will say). Hence, I was looking forward to a sexually enjoyable and explosive marriage. I met my wife a virgin and she never allowed me to have sexual intercourse during our courtship.
The first six months of our marriage was beautiful when it comes to sex, but after then, her interest dwindled. She does not initiate sex anymore and I became more of a burden anytime I demand sex at night. These days, I am lucky when I am able to have it once in a week; best-case scenario is twice in a week. I have tried my best to make her happy by buying her gifts from time to time; but the effect does not last long. I bought a Honda car for her just for good sex but nothing changes.
It is becoming so frustrating. I have tried on a couple of occasions to make her read your columns but she does not; she is not an avid reader. I am giving up the fight and I do not want to seek for pleasure outside my marriage even though the temptations are always there. I am confused.
Thanks a lot for sharing with me. I want to first appreciate the fact that you have done a great job by not taking irrational decisions. I would also want to add that you should try to create time-out whereby you get to pour your heart out to your wife the way you did to me now. I am so sure that when she realizes the importance, she will definitely change because no woman wants her marriage destroyed. You can do this by going for a weekend vacation to a free, quiet and private place together. Keep the children with trusted friends and just go out alone together. This eradicates stress and helps both of you to unwind.
You should also remember that affection and foreplay means a lot to many ladies. If you skip foreplay, most of them feel as if they are been legally raped or put under the knife of a surgeon doctor. Then make sure that the way and manner you address and talk to her is befitting a wife and not an elevated house girl.
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