A popular minister of God once said ‘ Understanding is when you go under and stand’. Hmmm..does this make any sense to you? There’s a certain logic in what he said; to go under simply means to sink whereas to stand means to maintain an upright position supported by one’s feet. In other words understanding is a lowly state of mind coming from a position of strength. No doubt Understanding is a priceless virtue and only the wise enjoys its companionship. Little wonder the good book counsels us “Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom and with all thy getting get understanding’’. Real understanding will come to you as you realise the interdependence of study and prayer, also as you maintain a commitment to serve God and humanity. Understanding motivates us to do what is right. Yes, beyond knowing, it empowers you to do what is right no matter the circumstance.
The forth element of empathy is; communicate understanding. Stephen Covey, in his bestselling book; The 7 habits of highly effective people throws more light on this “ If I were to summarise in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this; Seek first to understand, then to be understood. This principle is the key to effective interpersonal communication. If you want to interact effectively with me..you first need to listen to me. if you want to be really effective in the habit of interpersonal communication you have to build the skills of empathic listening….’’ Stephen further said that empathic listening is ‘seek first to understand’, that is, listen with the intent to first understand the perspective of the other person before you seek to be understood. I find this instructive. Learn to listen attentively without interrupting people. Also listen to understand not to reply. There is nothing better than a truly empathic friend when you’re feeling sad.
One of the key lessons I took away from my radio interview on ; Gift Etiquette, with an amazing young lady, Amanda Amusan, an international etiquette consultant was that you’ve got to have good listening skills to be able to discern the best gifts to give your spouse, friends, colleagues, boss etc. Often, people express their needs during conversations and if you listen with the intent to understand them(empathic listening) you will know their needs. Of course, they will be excited when you present them a thoughtful Christmas gift! Thoughtfulness and consideration are key factors in gift giving and these are byproducts of good understanding. Visit the website: www.Mindscopenaija.com to learn more about –Gift Etiquette. It’s really mind blowing to know that a good understanding of people we live or work with is a necessary virtue for building sustainable careers, families, companies and institutions. I was confounded when I saw my son’s last term’s report card. He got an average grade in his best subject- Mathematics. I couldn’t understand what happened and I had to hold a private meeting with him. Apparently, he understood the reason I called the meeting, so before I opened my mouth, he said “ Mum, please do not be annoyed with me, I had a running stomach during the Mathematics exam and I had to excuse myself to use the toilet.
When I returned the exam was almost over. I managed to do the best I could within the time I had left’. “Oh I see!’’ I exclaimed “at least it’s not your fault’’. I took some time to educate him on what to do in such situations. A good parent will understand before evaluating or judging. ‘’When you listen with empathy to another person, you give that person psychological air. And after that vital need is met, you can then focus on influencing or problem solving’’…Stephen Covey. Take note, everyone yearns to be listened to…it’s a psychological need so please give it freely and wisely.
One of the best gifts you can give to someone this Christmas season is a thoughtful gift. Off air, Amanda Amusan, revealed a top secret about gift giving. You don’t have to empty your bank account in purchasing gifts, Christmas hampers…work within your financial budget and in addition to the tangible gifts also consider giving intangible gifts for instance as a lady, you can offer to help babysit your friend’s child maybe for two or three hours as convenient or spend quality time with an old friend. So don’t just give gifts for the sake of showing off, rather give thoughtful gifts that touches and lightens the heart of the recipient.
Plan to give intangible gifts and you will see that the reward is really fulfilling. As I round up this series on empathy, I must reiterate that we are all products of relationships and we need to increase empathy in all our interactions. Empathy is different from sympathy which involves feeling concern for the pain of another person and a desire to help. Empathy and love are decisions. Just as love is a dedicated affectionate commitment to another person, so also empathy is a dedicated commitment to transforming upset, emotional pain and emptiness into positive and productive engagement in relationships, career, business…What more can I say? Have a merry Christmas and remember to communicate understanding in all you do. A right attitude wins always.