A year of drama is here

THE soothsayers seem to be right on target this time.

The year 2019 will be dramatic, they had predicted. Dramatic? That’s loaded. Cheery and dreary? Hot and cold? It is neither here nor there, but it seems we may not experience the apocalypse that we so much dread.

For sure, we have the Boko Haram headache, the varsity teachers’ strike, the minimum wage brouhaha and the labour leaders’ bravado as well as other pains in the neck, but the fact is clear – the year has begun on a dramatic note.

Consider the distinguished Senator Dino Melaye. For eight days, he engaged the police in a sensational stand-off. The police invited the senator to say all he knew about an alleged homicide, but Dino, a wise man, thought that was no invitation to a dinner. Obviously leery of the police – he had had many encounters with them – the senator claimed that there was a plan to inject him with a lethal poison. The police laid siege to his Abuja home. He bluffed it off and announced that he was out of town and that he would report to the police upon his return. The police would not budge; they stayed put. Knowing that he was surrounded, Dino surrendered.

And what a spectacle. The television beamed Dino being helped out of the house, his wobbling feet sweeping the ground, eyes half closed and head hanging loosely on his thick neck. He was like a drunk battling a terrible hangover.

At the police office, Dino just collapsed, his huge frame lying on the floor. He was rushed to the hospital where, thankfully, he has recovered. The police have, in fact, certified him fit to undergo the investigation of how his aides allegedly shot and injured a policeman in Kogi. The good people of Kogi West have the enviable honour of being represented by the popular senator.

The situation has, ironically, boosted Dino’s fame. Now his fans are all over the place requesting desperately for his old videos. The hottest is the one in which he raised his hands and shook his head as he reminisced about his days in the PDP; the one in which he sang, “Home my home, when shall I see my home, PDP”. Also in high demand is the video of the lawmaker singing, “Ajekun iya ni o je, ajekun iya ni o je, eniti o to’ni mu, t’ondena deni, ajekun iya ni o je ( He will suffer in full measure, the one who can’t beat his opponent but elects to lay in ambush for him).

Dino’s opponents have also flooded the social media with his photograph when he collapsed, placing this beside that of Chief Ayo Fayose – many are wondering where in the world he is; he is in Ekiti fighting Senator Biodun Olujimi for the control of the Atiku campaign  – and asserting that His Excellency will sue Dino for alleged copyright infringement. They are referring to the former Ekiti State governor’s prized photograph in which he collapsed on the bare ground of the Government House, his head in the hands of dutiful aides pouring water on him in a desperate bid to revive him after the police allegedly fired teargas canisters into the exclusive facility. Fayose, being a liberal man, I must stress, may not be sending Dino a writ of summons over this little family matter, which the PDP can easily settle in-house. Dino, ever so creative, may not have deliberately set out to steal Fayose’s or anybody’s intellectual property.

There are also pictures of the lawmaker posing with exotic cars. “He invested in these, instead of investing in people. Now let his cars fight for him,” a commentator said. Another claimed to have known how Dino made his money. He said the senator was a rent-a-crowd contractor who did so well for himself. “Where is the crowd now to protest, if Dino was good to them?” he wondered.

\Others were recalling his controversial educational background. Yet others swore he used to be a philanderer of note. They painted derisive pictures of his sexual peccadilloes. It is, however, to his credit that Dino’s constituents still retain a good measure of confidence in him. In fact, despite the jeering and sneering, the PDP in Kogi State has vowed to ensure that Dino returns to the Senate.

The photograph of the President, Ogun State Governor Ibikunle Amosun and Allied People’s Movement (APM) governorship candidate Adekunle Akinlade  was splashed on newspaper pages. The mood was boisterous; they were laughing like a drain. They all raised their hands and flashed eight fingers (four on each hand).

Apparently, the Ogun helmsman was reassuring Buhari that despite the civil war in the local APC, his second term of four years was assured. Amosun, in a fit of fury, after being dismissed as a budding emperor by APC National Chair Adams Oshiomhole, corralled his supporters to join another party. He vowed to back Buhari for president. How he wants to walk this tight rope remains to be seen.

Former Governor Aremo Olusegun Osoba had earlier visited the Villa with the party’s candidate, Dapo Abiodun. The President raised Abiodun’s hands and flashed his trademark toothy smiles. That was after Amosun had chaperoned the APM chair, Yusuf Dantalla,  into the Villa to announce that its party had adopted Buhari.

Should Buhari have received his guests so warmly? Is he naively convinced that the Amosun formula will work some magic? Who will Buhari support – his party’s candidate or the stranger? One thing remains as clear as day – we are yet to see the end of this drama.

Elsewhere in town, the drama continues. A man was held in Akure, the Ondo State capital, for allegedly collecting women’s underpants. A mob descended on him, stripped him naked and beat him black and blue. Why? It has been rumoured that women’s panties are being used for money rituals.

The jungle justice would probably have been fully served with a burning car tyre hanging on the man’s neck – a victim of a savage ritual to appease the vengeance of a people driven to anger by the vicissitudes of life with which they are struggling to cope. Law enforcement agents yanked him off the hands of his tormentors. He was later to be declared insane.

How will a ritual performed with a woman’s underpants evoke the spirit of cash in which the beneficiary will begin to swim? What kind of ritual is this? Who are the beneficiaries of this strange enterprise? Is this a mere rumour taken too far or the reality of voodoo? Isn’t this another avenue of duping those who believe that hard work won’t ever pay and that there is a short cut to wealth? Is this part of the Yahoo Yahoo and Yahoo Plus ventures in which many of our youths have found expression for their skills?

What kind of undergarments are the strange collectors’ favourites – G-String? C- String? Bikini? V Kini? Boot Booster? Classic Briefs? Or just any type?

Where are our women rights activists? Isn’t this a clear case of discrimination and sexism and misogyny? Now, women are being advised to dry their underpants in their rooms; no more on the lines in the backyard. How about those who stay in hostels and others who don’t have a room to themselves?

It all sounds so strange. Crude and rude. But then, the prognosticators have warned us – this is a dramatic year. They seem to be right.

Amina Zakari and her traducers

THERE has been so much noise since the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) announced Mrs Amina Zakari as Head of the Election Collation Centre Committee. The Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) alleges that she is a relation of President Muhammadu Buhari and ipso facto could swing the poll for him.

The PDP’s fear is not out of place. Here is a party whose chieftains believe the presidential election is theirs to win or lose. Little wonder they are fighting to smash any obstacle on their way to victory.

Not so fast, I dare say.

The woman says she is no relation of the President. INEC says she will have nothing to do with the collation and announcement of the results; Chairman Mahmood Yakubu says it is his job. The Presidency has debunked the assertion. Mrs Zakari’s family has defended her integrity and family background..

The controversy should end. Calling in the UN, the United States and the United Kingdom is taking it too far; we can manage our affairs. Is Mrs Zakari not qualified? Isn’t there a way of monitoring her performance when it is believed that the job she has been given is so sensitive? Has she no right to work at INEC just like any other Nigerian?

Didn’t the security agencies certify her to be fit in learning and character for the INEC job? Will she be collating results from all the polling units, even if her job is collation?

The row is needless; it should end.