Poor chap. By now he must be ruing the day he decided to visit Paris for an engagement. He may have had a premonition that it was all going to turn awry. He may even have been advised to shelve the trip for other engagements. His instinct may have warned him to pull the brakes on the plan. Who knows? But the trip was not to be. It collapsed just at the airport.
Now, Lagos comedian Babatunde Omidina, aka Baba Suwe, sure must have known that life is not all about humour. When the mind is troubled, laughter stops and the Muse goes on break. But, it is unimaginable to see the 53-year old in action and not laugh. The turtleneck sweater in the sweltering sun, the winter cap and the big kembe trousers tailored in old fabric, with a long rope fastened to keep them from falling off and the darkened face that transforms his looks into that of a big, scary clown. His queer mannerism.
Baba Suwe has been with the National Drug Law Enforcement Agency (NDLEA) for 23 days after he was suspected to be hiding a narcotic drug in his body. He has been expected to excrete the substance and then face the law. The artiste has gone to the restroom several times – 15, as of the time he appeared in court on Tuesday – but no strange substance has been found in his excreta. The NDLEA insists that two scans have shown that the comedian has a strange object in his body. Stalemate. If he excretes no drug tomorrow, a court said on Tuesday, Baba Suwe should be allowed to go home.
The Baba Suwe matter, which began as a routine NDLEA show, has taken on a life of its own. Each time he defecates, the world is informed of such details as the timing and the contents. Never in history has a man’s toilet habit drawn so much public attention, with people seeking information on what ordinarily should be a very private and confidential matter and the NDLEA dutifully and faithfully issuing a bulletin on such trips to the restroom.
How many times does he go to the toilet? What of his feeding habit? Is it true he told his interrogators that he eats once in three days? If this is true, how come he looks fat and well fed? Is it possible to keep any indigestible substance in the stomach for days without any medical problem? Dis na real expensive shit, somebody said, in a comical allusion to the late Afrobeat king Fela Anikulapo-Kuti’s song after his detention for marijuana at Alagbon. Another described the situation as shit and quench. In fact, when he showed up before Justice Yetunde Idowu on Tuesday, her Lordship asked Baba Suwe: “You’ve been to the toilet how many times?” And when he emerged from the courtroom, the crowd hailed: O ya’gbe ti! (He can’t be forced to defecate). Now, this routine exercise done secretly in the closet has become a matter of public discourse in academic, legal and political circles.
The questions are as many as the comedian’s befuddled fans, who keep on wondering why he couldn’t disarm the NDLEA officials with his humour. He is off the stage, yet Baba Suwe keeps many laughing as they make inquiries about his situation, recalling scenes from one of his movies, Baba Cherokee, in which he mirrors the lifestyle of drug barons. Now, what a cold irony of life. Imagination has been elbowed out by reality in the battle of life. The result: a life of comedy has become a subject of tragedy.
Besides, the matter has ignited a huge debate about the precision of the scanning machine, which is one of a doctor’s reliable assets. Can the machine be wrong? If it insists there is a strange substance in Baba Suwe’s stomach and he is not excreting it, what next? Surgery? Has the state a right to order that a citizen be opened up just to prove an allegation? At what point should a citizen in the Baba Suwe situation run to the law to enforce his rights? What are the options open to the drug agency?
Apparently discombobulated, the NDLEA insists it has the right to keep the suspect, until he passes out the substance it claims the comedian is hiding in his body. “How do we take him to court when he has not excreted the substance? What will be our evidence?” the agency’s lawyer said in court. But, Baba Suwe’s counsel, the no-nonsense rights activist, Bamidele Aturu, insists the court should restore his client’s rights. The NDLEA, said Aturu, is merely fishing for evidence after arresting the suspect. Isn’t he right, in the present circumstances? If there is no result in 21 days, shouldn’t the suspect be allowed to go home in peace after the agency must have apologised to him? Will compensation be out of place?
These are the issues being discussed in enlightened circles. In fact, I am told that many adventurous medical students have got so much inspiration from the Baba Suwe saga. For their dissertations, I learnt, are such exclusive topics as:
“Strategies, issues and risks in the clinical management of chronic and acute constipation in a traumatic situation. An overview of the Baba Suwe experience”; “Genetic, traumatic and environmental factors in the etiology of obesity: The case of Baba Suwe after detention” and “Clinical and roentgen features of the intestinal polyposis syndromes; An overview of a comedian’s case”.
There are also, I am told, those who, like an NDLEA official, believe that Baba Suwe is using a powerful juju to keep the substance in his body. They are ready to pay more than a fortune to get even a more powerful juju that will not only keep the prying eyes of anti-narcotic officials off them, but enable them to choose what to excrete – if they are caught. Talk of a boom for juju men.
The case has propelled Baba Suwe from a local jester plying his trade in Yoruba movies into an international star. His story was on BBC. The Washington Post ran it on its website, courtesy of the wire service AP. Talk of the sweetness of “the uses of adversity”.
In one of Nigeria’s strange ironies, the Baba Suwe matter has come at a time of significant stress. Boko Haram. Kidnappings. Robberies. Extrajudicial killings. Road accidents. A long list of absurdities that diminish our claim to civilisation. Imagine the Kogi police asking Osun residents to show cause why they should not be barred from travelling to Abuja. Soon, we will all require visas to visit Abuja through Kogi, courtesy of an innovative Police Commissioner, Amamama Ababakasanga, acting for his ever-dutiful Inspector-General Hafiz Ringim. If the Kogi test-run works, according to a source, it will be replicated in other states and the police will have solved the problems of crime forever.
Nigerians keep laughing. Sardonic laughter? More like it. The kind of laughter you laugh when you should put your two hands on your head, crying. The comedian in us all finds vivid expression in the messages we pass round on our mobile phones. Consider this, which I got the other day:
“We have all learned to live with ‘voice mail’ as a necessary part of modern life. But, have you wondered, what if God decided to install a voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this:
“Thank you for calling my father’s house. Please, select one of the following options: For requests, press 1, for thanksgiving, press 2, for complaints, press 3and for all other inquiries, press 4.
“What if God used the familiar excuse, I’m sorry, all our angels are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order it was received. So, please, stay on the line.
“Can you imagine getting these responses as you call God in prayer? If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 1, Michael, press 2.For a directory of other angels, press 3. If you’d like to hear King David sing a psalm while you are holding, please, press 4.
“To find out if a loved one has been assigned to heaven, press 5, enter his or her social security number, then press the pound key. If you get a negative response, try area code 666. If you heard our computers show that you have already prayed once today, please hang up and try again tomorrow or ‘this office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday’. Please, pray again Monday after 9.30am. If you need emergency assistance, contact your local pastor.
“Thank God, He doesn’t have a voice mail.”
Isn’t there a comedian in us all?
· This article, which won the Dame Award 2012 (Informed Commentary), was first published November 3, 2011. It is being rerun as a tribute to the star comedian who died on November 22, 2021 and was buried on November 25, 2021.
