Category: Sunday

  • Ondo election on my mind

    Ondo election on my mind

    Other things being equal, the governorship election in Ondo State must have come and gone by the time you are reading this piece. But the kind of security arrangements that were put in place by the police and other security outfits for the election is mind-boggling. Barely 72 hours to the D-Day, the Inspector-General of Police, Mohammed Abubakar, said roads leading to Ondo State would be closed from last Thursday (October 18) preparatory to the election. Not only that, 20 armoured patrol security personnel and marine police patrol men would be provided at the riverine areas. “There will be no fishing on that day. Whatever fish you have on that day, stay at home and eat it…” Abubakar said, among other things.

    Even soldiers are not left out of the security arrangement. The General Officer Commanding (GOC) Nigeria Army 2 Division, Major-General Mohammed Abubakar gave a shoot-on-sight order against hoodlums who may want to rig election or foment trouble to disrupt the polls. In addition to the no-fishing order by the inspector-general of police, the GOC also said that there won’t even be any hunting on Election Day (yesterday). So, people who might want to carry arms under the pretext of going to hunt must have been effectively checkmated. Also, soldiers drafted for the election would get a dress code to differentiate them from fake ones that some politicians might have recruited. Again, soldiers would mount check points on major roads even as the INEC office has been heavily protected against bombing and other criminal activities.

    Now, do we blame the security agents for relying on ‘war and chariot’, as it were, to give us free and fair election? Yes and no. I will explain.” Experience”, they say, “is the best teacher”. The fact of the matter is that our politicians have not imbibed seeing election as any other contest in which there is bound to be a winner and a loser. In other words, they are bad losers. Long before former President Olusegun Obasanjo’s coinage of ‘do-or-die battle’ to describe election, elections in the country have become another kingdom of God that suffereth violence and only the violent taketh it by force.

    I agree that is not good enough, but the point is that in its 13 years of governing the country since the return to civil rule in 1999, the PDP has not taught us much lesson concerning corruption, particularly political corruption. And there is a limit to how far it can go in the matter because it is a major actor in and beneficiary of election rigging. But I plead with the army to take things easy by not killing innocent voters in the process of killing hoodlums.

    Again, the point must be made that all these security arrangements would amount to naught if they are for superficial purposes. We will only have result if the security agents were posted on election duty for genuine reasons. The point must be made too that it would be tragic if all these security arrangements are to feather the nest of any of the contending parties, particularly the federal ruling party. It would be tragic because of the peculiar history of the Ondo people who cannot tolerate their votes being tampered with.

    All said, it is important to point out that Ondo election and even the last governorship election in Edo State that returned Adams Oshiomhole, the Action Congress of Nigeria’s (ACN) candidate to office are now assuming the nature of serious business that elections should assume, that is minus the violence aspect. In spite of the fact that Oshiomhole ought to have been returned ‘unopposed’ based on his track record, he still had to fight the battle of his life to ward off the rampaging PDP that wanted to rattle him out of the seat.

    We saw the same thing in Ondo State. The three leading contenders for Mimiko’s job, Mimiko himself, of the Labour Party (LP), Rotimi Akeredolu (SAN), the candidate of the ACN, and Olusola Oke of the PDP; and particularly the first two, had been selling themselves to the people in the last few weeks. They had traversed the state in their individual attempt to woo the voters. The incumbent must have fought a battle of his life too. This is the way it should be; votes need not come cheap because when they do, they are hardly appreciated. What you do not labour for, you do not value. As they say, “no pain, no gain”. If we continue in this hard work tradition for elections, one day, the voter would be the king that he should be.

  • One giant mental institution, that’s our Nigeria!

    Did you hear the one about a mentally unstable man who was released from an institution for good behaviour? Well, his doctors felt he was sufficiently healed to be let into the society so he got out and went on the streets. Two hours later, he was back at the institution. What was the problem? He said that while he stood by the road side, he saw a man wearing thick glasses riding a commercial motorcycle and carrying a pregnant woman who had a child on her back, and another one who carried three passengers on his motor cycle. He also saw a taxi driver who had carried seven passengers in his four-seat vehicle and a policeman who only laughed and collected some money from him. Then he thought, ‘the people out there in the world are all madder than me, and I am the one committed!’ So, to avoid being contaminated, he went back.

    This last week, I listened in on a radio programme celebrating World Mental Health day. And I thought, ah, mental health! That is the inability of the mind to distinguish between what is socially acceptable and what is not. For example, since most husbands have not been able to distinguish between what is domestically acceptable (such as leaving all their month’s pay in the pockets of their pants for their wives to find) from what is not (such as leaving those pants on the kitchen table), we can assume that their mental health is challenged. There’s someone else whose mental health is challenged: my dog. For reasons best known to him, he thinks barking is beneath him. Do what you like, he just won’t bark. To harass visitors therefore, he simply, err, licks their feet. Grrr! That dog is so in need of a specialist.

    Obviously, then, anyone whose mental health is challenged needs help. I can count the people who need help. All taxi drivers need help. All Lagos bus drivers need help. All okada riders need help. Believe me, all husbands need help. How else can you classify a husband who sells his wife for a sum of money if not someone in need of help? No, that happened in literature. But I know one who nearly sold his wife because she was costing him too much to feed. Really, what constitutes mental health is a matter of perspective. After all, I once drove the car into one of the walls of the house. No, no one pushed me; I just thought the road extended there. Of course, need you ask? Those around me went, ‘But, were you mad?!’

    So, like everyone else, I interpreted the mental health day to mean the day we pause in our respective tasks, think for a moment about any mad person we know, say a little prayer for them, and then move on to choose what we are going to have for dinner. Not so, explained the resource person, it means the day we examine our mind and clear it of debris such as excessive love of money, excessive hatred of our noisy neighbour and too many death wishes such as driving the car at one hundred and forty kilometres an hour on Nigeria’s rough roads. Or, we can just use the day to think about those who appear well on the surface but are really sick beneath, like Nigeria.

    Reader, pause awhile and say a prayer for Nigeria for we have, by our behaviour, converted it into a mental institution. Seriously. The poor thing thinks it is well but it is really, really sick. Just think about the antics of her citizens. Where else in the world can you find a people so cheerfully bizarre, yet uncompromisingly devilish? Where else can you find a people so nice and yet so wicked to each other all at once? I say, where else can you find a people so artful at biting each other and so equally artful at blowing palliative air to soothe the pain? Where else but in this your good ol’ country can you find people perpetually screaming at each other ‘You hit my car, are you mad?! You beat my son, are you mad?! You stole my prayer, are you mad?! You stole my future, are you mad?! You stole all the meat in the pot, you this stupid child, are you mad?!!!

    When we think of the fact that what peoples the walls of this country is a veritable mix of schizophrenics, psychosomatics, psychopaths, sociopaths, sociogoths and psychogoths (if you know what those are cause I don’t), repressed and depressed joy killers, quarter-mad, half-mad and fully-mad individuals, and all in need of specialists, then we know we need to tread a little. If you don’t believe me, just take a look at the Lagos traffic and transport system. That is pure madness. Whoever contrived that system should be hung up for the world to behold as the example of a mad man. Or, you might look at Abuja driving. For exercise, drive to and from Abuja and you will see what I mean. Clearly, every driver along that route needs a specialist. The ones inside the city itself appear to be beyond redemption, so the government appears to have left them alone to finish one another off. When they finish getting rid of one another, to the last one of them, then we can claim the city back from madness. Right now, it is on the brink.

    When we think of the mad things we have done to this country, then we would agree that it is all but hanging on a thread, or just hanging. And it all began when we stood the country on its head, much like when you stand logic on its head. Again, pause a while and let us go over the facts together. Is it not in this country that people who have been convicted or are under suspicion are also ‘elected’ into political office? Is it not in this country that people who say they are trying to salvage the country’s economy ask to be paid in foreign currencies? Don’t these things boggle your mind? They do mine.

    Sadly, it is also in this country that people go out to kill in the name of God and still preach that that God, in whose name they have killed others, stands for love. Hmm. Strange love. Anyway, this is also the country that houses the highest number of people who steal from the government so that they and their children will never be poor again. Yet another kind of strange love. So, with so much strange love going around, are you surprised that there is so much madness in the land, and we are all ensconced in this giant mental institution?

    The World Mental Health day came and went without too many people noticing it. Perhaps, those who did were the only sane ones among us. I dare say the rest of us were too busy displaying our mental instability to notice. So it comes down to this. The mental health of this country is in your hands. Stop screaming at others; stop driving recklessly; stop embezzling recklessly; stop killing in the name of God, and begin now to take care of yourself and others in this mental institution. Who knows, if we begin to behave ourselves we might be let off, and be allowed to join the comity of sane nations soon, real soon.

  • Patience’s second chance

    Patience’s second chance

    I join the First Lady, Patience Jonathan, in thanking God for returning ‘hale and hearty’ from her recent ‘trip’ to Germany.

    Considering speculations over her health while her six-week stay abroad lasted, she really has reasons to thank God that she came back alive. Among the speculations was that she went for a tummy-tuck operation, while some said she had a terminal disease.

    I remember seeing a particular edition of a soft-sell magazine with a headline that she was down with Parkinson syndrome being sold on the streets of Lagos. Much as I had doubt over the authenticity of the report I was really worried for Dame Patience.

    Apparently shocked by the wild speculations, the first lady on arrival immediately denied the reports but stated that “God has given me a second chance.” While Dame Patience should be angered by the speculations which indeed amount to unethical practices by the media organisations concerned, the presidency should be blamed for refusing to give a clear picture of why she was suddenly flown abroad.

     No official statement was issued on her trip until the online media was abuzz with speculations. Even when journalists requested for the whereabouts of the first lady, her media aide, Ayo Osinlu, first claimed that his boss was retiring, after the rigours of hosting the African First Ladies Summit.

    Thereafter he and other presidency officials declined to speak on the very sensitive issue and gave room for more fertile imaginations by the speculators. The president also kept mute over the issue and recently went to visit his wife who was supposed to be ‘resting’ in Germany. If indeed she was resting, there was no justification for the president’s visit. It was bad enough that our president’s wife could not rest at home and had to incur God-knows-how-much money to ‘rest’ abroad.

    Nigerians would have been more sympathetic if the truth of Dame Patience’s trip had been disclosed.

    Just like any human being, she could take ill and Nigerians deserve the right to know. If the best treatment she could get is abroad, so be it, but to have smuggled the First Lady out of the country and kept quiet about what was wrong with her amounts to the height of deception and undue secrecy about what should be public knowledge.

    This second chance is an opportunity to be the First Lady she should be.

    Now that she is back, she needs to work hard at making the best use of the second chance God has given her as she acknowledged. She should cut down her self-imposed multiple public functions which most times keep her in the news for the wrong reasons.

    She needs to operate more from the background than getting into controversies that rub off negatively on her husband. Since the role of the First Lady is not constitutional, Dame Jonathan should stop throwing her weight around like she has done on occasions when she clashed with elected officials.

    On this second chance, she should be modest in implementing whatever pet project she is running and not incur unnecessary expenditure like some first ladies before her, whose projects don’t outlive their stay in office.

  • The North: No to secession try regional integration

    The North: No to secession try regional integration

    ‘As much as every ethnic race and their affiliates deserve an independent country, there is only one solution – we must return to the previous system of governance before the tragic civil war. This time, ethnic groups must be allowed to choose whatever region they sincerely want to tag along with. No ethnic group MUST be forced or lumped together in the name of some fuzzy history. In this way, any region can develop at its own pace with little or no external interference. The mutual feeling of distrust and ill-feeling will disappear to some extent. – A commentator.

    Alhaji Bello Kirfi is a distinguished man of honour whose services to the country spanned over 28 years and still counting, that is, if he does not succeed in truncating Nigeria. For ease of reference, and to let my readers know that Alhaji Bello Kirfi’s call was not a flash in the pan or made by some inconsequential personality, here’s a snapshot of the technocrat. He was Permanent Secretary for four ministries, Health, Land and Survey, Education and Finance and retired as Permanent Secretary, Ministry of Finance, Bauchi state. A former Minister of State, he also served as director, Bank of the North, Equity Bank and Steyr (Nig).Ltd. He is currently the Chairman of Giwo Holdings Limited. A truly lucky and privileged man, and he is certainly not alone as Northern civil servants go, Alhaji Kirfi attended the Ahmadu Bello University, Zaria and graduated with a diploma in Accountancy in 1971.

    With a background as illustrious as this, it should not surprise that Alhaji Kirfi was able to assemble the eminence grise .of Nigeria’s North-Eastern geo-political zone amongst who were highly regarded Malam Adamu Ciroma, Ex-Defence Minister, Gen T.Y Danjuma,

    former Secretary to the Government of the Federation, Alhaji Yayale Ahmed, Ex-Petroleum Minister and Senator, Professor Jubril Aminu, Mallam Nuhu Ribadu, Alhaji Adamu Maina Waiziri, Gen Timothy Shelpidi (rtd), Alhaji Bunu Sheriff, and Alhaji Aliyu B. Modibbo.

    Also in attendance were: General Yakubu Usman; Deputy Senate Leader, Sen. Abdul Ningi; Senator Aisha Alhassan; former Minister of Women Affairs, Hajia Inna Ciroma; and former Education Minister, Alhaji Dauda Brima. And nobody could have been surprised to see the distinguished Professor Ango Abdullahi, former University Vice-Chancellor and foremost Northern irredentist.

    The fact that Alhaji Kirfi invited General Danjuma to the summit must be proof positive of his belief that there is a groundswell of reasons why the North must now ‘secede and take its destiny in its own hands’. I say this because he cannot claim to be unaware of what would be the disposition of a man who has serially asserted that another civil war will practically kill off Nigeria. He must have felt that there are some commonality between him and those invited as to the disadvantages the North currently suffers from the status quo. But it did not surprise, either, that the General was one of those who, at least, temporarily squelched the call to secession.

    What then are the conjecturable reasons for the call?

    Without a doubt, since the Southern friend the North inflicted on us all turned against them by neutralising, if not completely eliminating, the sources of easy money and arrogance of power, it has been jeremiad upon jeremiad amongst the hitherto extremely powerful Northern politicians/soldiers. Obasanjo has completed his denouement of this class of Northerners when he went ahead, without as much as asking their permission, to make the late Yar Adua the choice of the North to succeed him. For purposes of clarity, Obasanjo did not do that for altruistic reasons but just to be the voice behind the throne, a throne he knew had been weakened, ab initio, by the incoming President’s state of health. This neatly eliminated the Northern influence to the point that by the time Hajia Turai came unto her own, not a single Northern politician , or any of the erstwhile swashbuckling generals, could any longer rein in her excesses. Not a whimper was heard from Minna where two former presidents of Northern extraction reside nor from Kaduna where power had formerly oozed from. Indeed, Obasanjo had gone further to defoliate some sources of unconscionable personal wealth further driving in the bitter sword.

    And he was not done.

    Even though rotational presidency as party policy had been formally ratified by the Peoples Democratic Party which, ipso facto, meant that a Northerner should succeed to the presidency at the end of Yar Adua’s first term, given that he was no longer available to continue in office, Obasanjo did much more than Chief Edwin Clark in edging on former Vice-President, Goodluck Jonathan, to throw in his hat into the presidential ring. Things have never been the same ever since.

    It is not unknown that some Northerners have since promised to make the country ungovernable for Jonathan and the consequences have been absolutely ferocious. Boko Haram, even though did not come at the instance of these disgruntled politicians –since they were originally the roughnecks of the ANPP government in a particular state in the North-East – have since found justification for their extreme excesses in the angst the PDP politicians have against the President.

    I, however, believe that the immediate precursor for the secession call is Jonathan’s decision to no longer treat Boko Haram with kid gloves. Rather than the hoped-for intervention funds, ala those government has put in place in the Niger-Delta area, humongous funds some Northern leaders would think they would again latch on to further pauperise their people as has habitually become the norm, the President has chosen to treat Boko Haram as urban terrorists who deserve nothing but strong hands. No longer do we hear of negotiations with some faceless bloodhounds which North-East elders continue to make their demand.

    I agree completely that the Federal government must intervene appropriately in taking the North out of its economic miasma which, without a doubt, has been self-inflicted because its elite has, over these many years, been very selfish and completely unsympathetic to the agony of its hoi polloi. Northern leaders should, however, start a process of replacing their sundry sterile summits with serious discussions on how to economically empower their people. In this regard I strongly recommend that they interrogate, very seriously, Regional Economic Integration as panacea to the lingering economic incubus in that part of the country.

    The DAWN Document which copiously documents South-West’s DEVELOPMENT AGENDA FOR WESTERN NIGERIA, but which many have demonised as the document to underpin Yoruba secession fromNigeria, is a serious document put together by the Yoruba intelligentsia and Professionals and to which the legislative houses in the region have since bought into and is being assiduously driven by its governors who have since set up Ministries of Regional Integration..

    The North, it must be said, cannot always rely on the federal government. It may bear relevance to mention here that during the Obasanjo years, with an Alhaji Muktar Shagari as the Water Resources Minister, and to the near total exclusion of the South-West, billions of naira were being voted for irrigation projects in the North that AGBAJO, a Pan-Yoruba Socio-Cultural Association, had to set up a 3-Man Rapid Response team, to react to the almost weekly announcement of these humongous awards at the end of every Executive Council meeting. That then was a function of how much hold the North had on Obasanjo until he was able to break loose.

    That preferential treatment for the North is no longer possible is one of the reasons predisposing any group of Northern leaders to suggest ‘Araba’. Without a doubt Alhaji Kirfi must have confided in very many of the confreres before the summit and the fact that the Ciroma’s and the Danjuma’s were able to shut it down now does not mean it is dead as a cause.

  • Thinking the unthinkable

    Thinking the unthinkable

    From Friday October 26th till Sunday October 29th, the cream of Yoruba intelligentsia, business elite, dominant leaders of the Yoruba progressive wing, or the Afenifere old guard as they are known , and emergent political conquistadors gathered at the alluring ambience of the Institute of Tropical Agriculture in Ibadan to map out the way forward for the Yoruba and Nigeria.

    Snooper was there, and was as busy as the proverbial beetle. It was not as a learned pundit or intellectual hell-raiser, but as a humble student of history. And history was aplenty to learn from. As Solzhenitsyn, the great Russian writer has noted, there can be no greater test for a doctor than to suffer an affliction in his own speciality. There is a crisis of intellectual initiative in contemporary Nigeria, and snooper is badly hit.

    The first shock on entering the hallowed premises of the Tropical institute was profoundly cultural, and then perhaps social and political. It is hard to imagine an oasis of rationality in a desert of disorder. But there it was in all its lush splendour. Everything worked, including the showers. The staff were polite and focused. And yet virtually all of them are Nigerians.

    Less than three miles away is the urban hell of Ojoo where berserk trailers compete with its equally disturbed denizens for the laurel of lunacy. The Americans at the apex of things at the Tropical Institute would have none of this nonsense. They have created a little America in suburban Ibadan. If Ojoo and its deviant ethos were to be transported to America, the entire inhabitants would have been quarantined as a threat to national sanity.

    The distinguished and illustrious Yoruba sons and daughters who thronged the Tropical Institute did not come for sight-seeing, but it helped in this particular instance to show how far Nigeria has regressed. So did a guided tour of the institute at the end of proceeding.

    They came from far and wide. From the academic community, the arms-bearing strata, the business and industrial sector , the political class, civil society spectrum and indeed from the powerful Diaspora. It was , so to say, perhaps the greatest collection of Yoruba brains since Chief Jeremiah Oyeniyi Obafemi Awolowo dined alone.

    Needless to add that it was a revealing and illuminating occasion. It was also not without its great ironies. Unlike major gatherings of the Yoruba in the past that held under an atmosphere of federal siege against the people or against the backdrop of an imminent dissolution of the federation itself, this one took place in an atmosphere of perfect tranquility.

    Ironically, it was this seeming atmosphere of peace and political placidity that increased the background anxiety. Coming after eight years of sustained assault on law and order, on political rationality, on the fundament of the federation by a power mafia led by a Yoruba son and culminating in an election marked by spectacular fraud, the joke was on the Yoruba elite.

    This time around there was no Kaduna mafia to rail at. There were no Hausa-Fulani hegemonists to harangue and harass. The caliphate supremacists have retreated into their dark laagers, battered and badgered into submission by the militarised might of a monster state. Having contributed their own quota to the stunning incompetence and malevolence of the Nigerian state, there was a lot to be modest about for the Yoruba elite.

    If a bungling old soldier, a combatively incompetent autocrat, was all they could contribute to moving the nation forward, then why have they been disturbing the peace of the nation for 40 years? For the Yoruba, the enemy is not abroad. The enemy is within.

    In such circumstances, it was to be expected, and also perfectly rational, that Obafemi Awolowo should loom large. And the sage from Ikenne was there in all his commodious and overpowering presence. Awolowo hovered over the conference like a presiding deity and spiritual paterfamilias. He dominated the proceedings, and at every turn, his illustrious name was invoked like a timeless talisman.

    It is a measure of Awolowo’s stature as a politician and philosopher that 20 years after his death, it has proved impossible to move Nigeria or the Yoruba nation forward without first coming to terms with his prognosis and prognostications. Just as it has proved impossible for the capitalist world to move forward without first coming to terms with Karl Marx’s historic hectoring, it is impossible to think Nigeria without first thinking through Awolowo. But since Nigeria has been in permanent denial as far as Awo is concerned, the best thing is to leave Nigeria severely alone until we all come to our senses.

    That being said, Awolowo remains the greatest Yoruba man in recorded history. But just as the late twentieth century was to prove that despite his devastating critique, Karl Marx was nothing but a great closet capitalist, it may yet be that when Awolowo’s ideas are fully implemented, he would be seen as the greatest closet Nigerian, contrary to the impression of his many traducers who dismiss him as a tribalist.

    It was not surprising that the surviving Awolowo lieutenants were there in their full strength. These are the titans and grandees of the struggle for the emancipation of the Yoruba within the federation of Nigeria. History will accordingly note their heroic stance and principled refusal when it mattered most. The last five years must have been a nightmare for them, having seen their flock dispersed and their influence dramatically whittled down.

    And so they sat in suburbia Ibadan hunched with fright and disoriented by looming political irrelevance. Despite the occasional sabre rattling by the most rambunctious of them, it was clear that the fire has gone out of the belly of the old men. Their 2003 capitulation to Obasanjo was historic in the sense that it was an acute reading of the handwriting on the wall and of the mood of the sophisticated Yoruba political mob.

    Having studied them at close quarters between 1999 and 2003, Obasanjo forcibly appropriated their mantra as defender of Yoruba interests without provoking massive revolt and animosity from his northern patrons. Thereafter, Obasanjo raided their ammunition dump to the bargain. If you say you are the defender of Yoruba interests against northern domination, here is a Yoruba son who is providentially positioned to do it much better and with vast federal resources too.

    Reading the script correctly but fatally was Bola Ige who was on the verge of resigning from the federal cabinet in order to quarantine his beloved South West from the PDP power-mongers even while conceding the centre to Obasanjo. But by then, the great Cicero himself had done enough to undermine and hobble the AD and had also supplied enough ammunition for his own demystification to Obasanjo.

    It would have been a nasty dogfight indeed with Ige in a lose, lose situation. Thereafter, the west succumbed to internal conquest by a mafia that knows everything about power but nothing about its responsibility. The result is the political regression and underdevelopment that stare us in the face today.

    But you cannot step into the same river twice. If Awolowo himself were to be alive today, he would have had to reinvent himself severally and severely to take on board new political realities. Brilliantly proactive as usual even while holding dismal cards, Awolowo saw this when he retired from active politics in 1983.

    Something tells this columnist that time is up for the Awoist old guard. But among the Yoruba there is a protocol for the retirement of elders. Snooper will not support the old men being harassed and harried into humiliating political dotage. Let them take their time in a dignified exit. We must learn from the crisis of the last eight years and even from Obasanjo’s iconoclastic intervention, whether we like him or not. Having proved themselves to be human and fallible if the old men are expecting instant obeisance from the new generation of progressive Yoruba political warlords, they are in for a rude shock.

  • Amend the people, not constitution

    Amend the people, not constitution

    Changing the 1999 constitution without changing attitudes will be a wasted effort

    Most people would agree that Nigeria’s 1999 constitution is a flawed document. The product of a succession of manipulative military juntas, it was the shaky platform used to usher in a Fourth Republic that could not wait for the perfect thing – given the tense political atmosphere in the country in the immediate aftermath of the deaths of General Sani Abacha and Chief M.K.O. Abiola.

    Any constitution written for a country with Nigeria’s diversity is bound to be problematic because of the need for endless compromise. In our case the agreement seems to have been to leave all the hot button national issues alone in the vain hope that some sages down the line will get around to addressing them.

    That has not happened. Instead all those questions have come back to haunt us on an almost daily basis. That is why most reasonable people won’t argue with the need to amend the constitution to enable our democracy grow.

    But much as amendments are desirable, there’s much about the current process that just makes you wonder whether it won’t all end in tears.

    At the last count the Senate Ad-hoc Committee on the Review of the Constitution headed by Deputy Senate President, Ike Ekweremadu, disclosed it had received 240 memoranda on the subject. A similar committee in the House of Representatives says it has also received well over 200 such memos.

    This will suggest feverish interest in the process. But nothing could be farther from the truth. Powerful interests like governors and other factions of the political elite have seized the process – predictably – and this is reflected in context of the issues that are emerging as top of the agenda for review.

    Among them are things like state creation, state police, tenure for political office holders, independent candidacy, proportional representation, onshore-offshore dichotomy, indigeneship and adjustment of the 13% derivation principle.

    Some Non-Governmental Organisations (NGOs) are evening pushing items like rewriting the whole document in gender-neutral language, or more explicitly so that references would be made specifically to “he” or “she” rather than the politically-incorrect current references to only “he”.

    In the unlikely event that this massive shopping list of amendments pass muster, then the advocates would celebrate the fact that Nigeria has finally joined the ranks of countries with so-called ‘progressive’ constitutions.

    I beg to demur. What may be progressive or desirable for some might not necessarily be in the national interest at this point in time. There are those who argue that you don’t need a constitutional amendment in other to create states. They say the procedure is already clearly spelt out in Section 8 of the present document.

    I would go further to say it is downright unpatriotic to be talking about creation of new states when many of the existing ones are virtually on their knees. State creation is a slippery slope. The Nigerian politician will never get sated until we have one for every ethnic nationality.

    Again, take the issues of a six or seven year single tenure, and the requests by registered political parties for proportional representation (PR) as means of taking heat out of the contests for political office. I doubt whether the introduction of these items into the constitution will change what is wrong with our politics.

    Even if we provide a single tenure, blood will be shed over who gets it at any point in time. As for a PR system that replaces the current first-past-the-post arrangement, all that it will do is ensure that more people – outside of the current ruling parties – hop on the gravy train. But is that in itself a guarantee that these new office holders would be coming to serve? You know the answer to that one.

    Let me reiterate that I am all for amending the constitution. But I think we need a bit of a reality check here, and not go around thinking that we have found the perfect cure for the problem with Nigeria.

    Let’s not forget that there are countries which don’t even have a written constitution and things still work in a reasonably organised fashion. Three of those nations are New Zealand, the U.K and Israel.

    A constitution alone is no guarantee that the system will work. Indeed, amending the 1999 document without amending the attitudes of the people who will operate it will simply make the on-going exercise an expensive wild goose chase.

    A reckless and irresponsible driver will readily crash the best engineered and retooled car on earth, and the problem won’t be with the vehicle but the driver’s immature conduct. In the Nigerian case, rather than work on the driver we would start tinkering with engine of the blameless automobile.

    In discussing this issue I always project a hypothetical scenario. Most independent-minded people will say that the US constitution works. Now, if all 200 million plus Americans were removed from their country and replaced with all 160 plus Nigerians, would that constitution still work in the hands of the new arrivals? A document does not a country make.

    For all the flaws of the 1999 constitution, my position is that we have not given ourselves enough time to use and test it. The United States constitution which is 225 years old has only been altered18 times in that period. In our case I have lost count of the number of occasions when we’ve sought to touch up the document in the last 13 years.

    A few of those occasions we tried to do so for blatantly selfish reasons. A case in point is when former President Olusegun Obasanjo tried to amend the constitution to give himself a third term – a stunt that blew up in his face and short-circuited the process.

    Given the interest of presidents, governors and legislators in some of the items listed earlier, I believe that some sort of broad review of the constitution will happen in the not too distant future. It is in their collective career interest to see that they push this through. But what they will end up producing will be a document by the political elite for the political elite – never mind the empty boasts about being the people’s representatives.

    The overwhelming majority of Nigerians are not engaged with what is going on, and very few understand how it could affect their future. Many are probably battling with the devastating impact of floods that have swept away their homes to care about new states and single tenure.

    But if the ongoing review is to be free from the stain of illegitimacy which the 1999 military construct suffers from, it has to be subjected to some form of mass participation. If there will be no sovereign national conference, a decent compromise would be a national referendum that allows ample time for national discussion at grassroots level.

    I suspect that were this to happen, some of the things that are so important to our politicians will swiftly bite the dust. Unfortunately, the middlemen in the National Assembly will never let this happen.

  • Obama wins debate but does not recover lost ground

    Obama wins debate but does not recover lost ground

    •The first battle you must win is the one with your toughest adversary: yourself

    AFTER a flaccid first debate performance, President Obama redeemed himself in the second event. His performance was nearly masterful. Unlike the first debate where his responses bored the listener by being too wordy and enmeshed in the arcane, his second debate answers were pithy. He not only evinced command of facts and figures that seemed elusive in the first encounter, he spoke of large themes such as economic fairness, gender discrimination, peace and security, and the role of government. Some of what he espoused was too much a rehash of moderate-conservative orthodoxy to do him or the nation much good. Yet, at least, he talked as if he possessed a vision for the country and that the burden of the last four years had not reduced him to a transactional president satisfied with minor policy initiatives at a time when only major steps will suffice.

    Taking small steps when the moment begged for a series of huge leaps was the trademark of President Hoover. In the American political context, Hoover’s name is synonymous with failure. As the surge waters of the Great Depression descended on his countrymen, all Hoover could advise was for them to hold their breath and pray they did not drown before the tide subsided. After the first debate, Obama was in danger of being perceived as the spiritual heir of Hoover’s palsied incrementalism.

    The difference between the two debates was the president came into this one with starch in his collar. It was a contentious sparring session. This time, the president did not hire himself out as his opponent’s trampoline. This time following the biblical guidance on giving and receiving, the president delivered more blows than he took in. The long-term importance of his combativeness should not be missed. Throughout his political career, President Obama painstakingly positioned himself as a “non-offensive” black man so as not to perturb too much of a largely white electorate. In 2008, this strategy helped him win the election against an irascible, mercurial John McCain. In 2012, it might help him to lose it.

    In surrendering the first debate, Obama gave away more than he realised. He allowed the fallacious Romney to appear presidential, thus pilfering in one easy night a chunk of the goodwill Obama had studiously cultivated over the years. The results of the first debate were extraordinary in that the considerable electoral movement toward Romney was disproportionate to the performance levels of the two candidates. Romney won that first debate but Obama’s performance was not so meritless as to justify the erosion of support he has suffered. Startled by the loss of fortune occasioned by that debate, Obama was forced to reassess his passive black man strategy. His performance at the second debate shows that he decided to shelve the passive approach. As such, the second debate may be more important for what it taught Obama than for anything it revealed to the voting public.

    President Obama learned he could publicly confront, fight and even ridicule a leading white conservative and still garner enough support to have won the debate. In a politically divided nation, a leader will lose his way if his guiding principle becomes “thou shall not offend.” He has to realise everyone will not like him and that many will bitterly oppose him, politically and personally. Thus, the most prudent thing is to battle your opponents by fashioning policies that attract and galvanise a winning electoral and governing coalition. Obama may now understand that he can forge such a coalition by asserting himself more than he can by acting demure. He may now understand a black man can actively battle against a conservative white opponent without being completely written off by the white electorate as a Mau Mau run amok. As long as he fights wisely and well, he will maintain enough support. If the president holds on to win the election, he will be able to view his first debate performance as a blessing in disguise. Without having that setback, he might not have abandoned the passive approach and only by abandoning this stance can he move from being a middling chief executive to becoming the excellent one we expected.

    Mitt Romney lost the debate but did not suffer in the opinion polls. Romney did not do poorly, he just did not equal Obama. One of his problems, Romney appeared confident, perhaps too confident. Some of his answers were tinged with the plutocratic arrogance he successfully hid during the first outing. One could sense his natural disposition was to be dismissive of minorities and women whom he did not consider among the masters of the economy. The concern he expressed for their welfare was as meretricious as a streetwalker’s affections. All in all, the debate showed Obama at his best was better than Romney at his. Strangely, this might do Obama no good. Although he scored less than Obama, Romney did not implode during the debate. Undecided voters, who are mainly white conservative moderates, can still conceive of Romney as being president. While there is no greatness evident in the man, they believe he can do a yeoman’s job in office. This will be sufficient for them to base their vote on tribal (racial) affiliation. Since they do not feel Obama has proven to be an exceptional president, they feel no hesitation dumping him.

    The working thesis in this election is that if these white conservative moderates sense that Obama is only slightly better than his opponent, that slight advantage will be a disadvantage. It will not deter them from flocking to Romney. In American politics, the admonition against changing horses in mid-stream does not apply when the incumbent steed is black and the challenger is a white thoroughbred.

    During the debate, the two men battled over many issues. Governor Romney tried to berate “Obamacare” but his attack seemed unduly rehearsed and wooden. Health care reform has been President Obama’s signal piece of legislation. This column has repeatedly assessed this attempt as a flawed compromise where an impuissant Obama yielded too much to the insurance companies and did not sufficiently protect low-income consumers. Obamacare is the equivalent of giving the poor a raincoat. That would be fine in a storm except that the insurance companies are pelting them with rocks and bullets not water. The poor need a Kevlar shield. Obamacare provides only the image of one. In reality, the measure was not truly health care reform but insurance reform. More people will be entitled to insurance but they will pay a higher price. Those who have little money will end up purchasing insurance policies with coverage that will prove elusive when most needed. As badly as it sounds, this improves the current system. This is where Romney told on himself. He presented no alternative save the current way. He would rather continue feeding a vulnerable public to ravager insurance companies. In effect, he would toss everyone into the water. The fit and lucky would make it to shore. If the alligators don’t get the rest, the piranha will. Such is the way of life and death in the Romney-world of health coverage flimsily regulated.

    Regarding the issue of fair pay for women, Obama reminded the audience that he championed legislation calling for equal pay and expanding women’s legal rights thereto. Romney tried to steer away from this big issue by trumpeting that his record of hiring women to important positions when he was Massachusetts governor demonstrated his commitment to equal distaff treatment. However, he never mentioned whether his female staffers received salaries equal to their male counterparts. He dared not enter that territory. He is on public record opposing equal pay for women. When Obama effectively assessed that Romney’s position was not only unjust but poor economics, Romney could not fashion a retort. There was none to fashion. If he told the truth lurking in his heart – that women are lesser beings and thus deserving of lesser pay – he would surely throw the election. Thus, he sat and silently smirked waiting for this awkward issue to pass.

    The most dramatic moment of the debate focused on Libya. Romney thought he had Obama cornered. Romney was right on one point. There was a corner. However, he was dead wrong as to who was in it. Romney strutted about like a bantam rooster when Obama stated he called the attack in Benghazi an act of terror merely one day after the attack happened. Romney implied Obama was lying. When the moderator informed Romney the president had indeed used those words, Romney looked nonplussed as if someone just handed him a passage to read in Sanskrit. Attempting to regain composure and the offensive, Romney suggested the Administration had purposely misled the public about what occurred in Benghazi. Obama’s riposte was the highlight of the evening. Firmly and passionately, he defended his team and his own integrity. He said he took full responsibility for Benghazi but that Romney’s insinuation of a cover-up was offensive to decency. Obama declared that was not the way he conducted business as commander-in-chief of a great nation. He said it so deftly that one was left with the impression that Romney alleged a cover-up because that is exactly what he would have done had he occupied the Oval Office at the time. With the turn of a few choice sentences, the accuser, not the accused, was revealed to be morally shallow.

    The most important segment of the debate centered on economic policy and taxation. Sadly, Obama stuck to the old saw that deficit reduction was a top priority. He endorsed the recommendations of a commission he established to reduce deficit spending by 4 trillion dollars in ten years. Trying to be even-handed, he said this would be accomplished by budget cuts on one hand and tax increases on the rich on the other. This is unsound economics. In a period of weak economic growth and significant private-sector debt deleveraging, reducing government deficit spending is the road to economic deflation. In the end, such deflation hurts the poor and working classes while benefitting the financially endowed.

    Meanwhile, Romney crafted a tax proposal that seems to give a bit to everyone without taking anything from them. It is too easy to be true. It is also mathematically implausible that the proposal would reduce the deficit. This is where the fun starts with Romney. If implemented, his proposal will produce a higher deficit. Either he tackles this with higher taxes which could be economically poisonous if those taxes fall too heavily on the working and middle classes. However, he could well let the higher deficit stand. Spurring more economic activity by putting more money in private-sector hands, this policy would be condign. Ironically, this is what should be happening given the current economic circumstance. If this is Romney’s ultimate design, he must be given credit. The ersatz conservative may actually be attempting to accomplish through the sidedoor what an unabashed progressive Democrat would have tried through the front one. Sadly, on economic matters, President Obama has not been a progressive or even a liberal. Thus far, he has had the mind and heart of a 1970’s Republican wrapped in black skin and adroit in the symbolic rhetoric of the mild social liberalism of the first two decades of the 21st century. In other words, Obama is a liberal on social issues but a moderate-conservative on economic matters. The nation would be on more solid footing if the president were less amphibious.

    The silliest moment of the debate came when both candidates claimed government does not create jobs, only the private sector does. This nonsense is particularly ironic coming from two men willing to devote so much time, log so many travel miles and spend billions of dollars to win a government job. It is a fairy tale of free market orthodoxy that teachers, firemen and air traffic controllers do not perform real and valuable service to the public and the economy. It makes no sense to believe that when government spends money for the construction of a road, bridge or railway that the laborers on these projects are not performing “real jobs” because the money comes from government. The truth is that government is an important direct employer and indirect job creator in every nation, including America. Without government exercising this function, the economy would be reduced to perpetual depression. That is a fact that no amount of free-market cheerleading can mask. Not only is it wrong it is dangerous for it belittles the role of government at a time when government has a very important role to play.

    In the end, Obama acquitted himself at the second debate. He proved that he is better than Romney. This advantage may be insufficient to sway undecided white voters. The majority of this group may decide that tribal affiliation trumps Obama’s skill and temperamental advantages. While the debate may not stop the move of this segment toward Romney, it has helped to reactivate Obama’s own support base. This will be important to maintaining his leads in many of the key states (Ohio, Florida, Virginia, North Carolina, Wisconsin, etc.) that will ultimately decide the election. If he does survive this battle of attrition and hold to the presidency, perhaps the lessons learned in the second debate may lead to a different way of governance in his second term. Stylistically, the president has learned he can be more assertive without alienating the American heartland. Perhaps more importantly, he may summon the courage to break with mainstream orthodoxy and veer toward a more progressive economic path. This path would promote the retooling of the American industrial sector, bolster the middle class with more jobs and better wages, and assure the continued viability of the programs at the core of the American social compact: Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid. Beyond the immediate fallout from the debate, the longer-term hope is that he breaks from the strictures of conservative thought. We do not require this new hope to be one of audacity. We just pray it will not be a forlorn one.

  • Okon speaks on Awo

    May we know you, please?” one of the interviewers, a born charmer, opened with smiles and easy charm.

    “If you no sabi Okon, wetin you dey do here? See me see trouble oo”, Okon demanded.

    “No, no, we mean can you tell us about your background?”, the poor fellow added.

    “Aha”, Okon began in an expansive mood. “My back no dey for ground ooo. I tell you ten Yoruba wrestlers no fit do dat. But my name be Okon Anthony Okon, my father be Uzor James Uzor. We don dey live for Slessor’s street so tey. I come from Calabar. My father come from Calabar. Him papa come from Calabar. Him own papa come from Calabar. Him own papa come from Calabar. Dem papa come from Calabar. Dem papa come…”

    “Enough of this rubbish and drivel”, the mean looking chap screamed.

    “Na your papa be rubbish and driver. My own papa be palm wine tapper”.

    “What? I’m gonna take out this stinking asshole”, the mean one scowled and was about to get up.

    “Twenty of you no fit. If I no wan go out, you no fit take me”, Okon shouted as he began an elaborate war ritual.

    “John sit down”, the leader of the team ordered the surly one with full authority.

    At this point, the fellow in traditional costume who had been eyeing everybody with mirth and relish got up and started singing an ancient Yoruba tune.

    Eyin te maja wa (Those who have brought the mad dog)

    E mo’kun ko le oo ( Do not relax the tight leash)

    Eyin te mu were wa (Those who have brought the madman)

    E ma jo’kun o ja (Do not let the leash snap).

    Everybody, including Okon, started laughing, and the interview got on an even keel all over again. The man in traditional dress sat down, beaming with mischief.

    “Prince Okon, can you tell us about your father?”the great charmer asked in a soothing and rather unctuous manner.

    “Ha, my papa, my papa, may god receive am if he don quench becos one day he come disappear say he wan go fight dem French for Bakassi but mama say na Owerri agaracha wey come turn him head with Ofe nsala. But na better palm wine tapper. Na him dey supply Awolowo with palm wine when he dey Calabar prison. At times sef, the Yoruba wizard go vamoose from prison to come drink palm wine”.

    There was total silence. Everybody was stunned by the gale of the revelation. It was the surly chap who recovered the initiative and went on the offensive.

    “That sounds to me like a load of shitty crap”, he moaned under his breath as the leader whipped him with his eyes into quick compliance.

    “Prince Okon, what we are saying is that Chief Awolowo was a teetotaller”, the leader opened cautiously.

    “Taller than who? I beg no vex me oo”, Okon said as he sprang up. “Awolowo na short man, he no tall pass anybody”.

    “Asiwere. (Madman)”, the man in traditional costume said with a superior smile. He seemed to have a full measure of Okon as the Calabar rogue avoided him.

    “Prince Okon, what we mean is that Awolowo never drank or smoked”, the leader offered with a calm mien.

    “No be dat you for say? All dis gbamugbamu grammar I no dey. Abi no be the yeye Sina boy who say grammar no be success? But you Yoruba people, I no get your problem. Anything that Awolowo man tell you you take am as if god don speak. Yeye people wey dey worship one man”.Okon said with a deflated look.

    “All right, all right. What do you think about the last census?” the leader asked Okon with all authority.

    “Which census? No be di thing we dey talk about for dis yeye kontri? You count all dem camel and cattle for dem north finish, you count all the oporoku and dem anoya people for the east, you count all dem Yoruba bush meat and goat finish but you no fit count all dem fish and shark for Calabar creek. So dat one na census?”, Okon snapped. Everybody started laughing, except Okon who wore an angry frown.

  • Free and fair election in Ondo State?

    Free and fair election in Ondo State?

    Time will tell if the people of Ondo State actually spoke in a free and fair election a few hours ago. But if at the end of vote counting today or tomorrow Ondo State 2012 gubernatorial election is adjudged by citizens and political parties to be free and fair, the federal government would have endeared itself to citizens of the state, more than any other government since 2000. If there was any party that engaged in rigging in last night’s election, that party would have endangered the life and peace of innocent citizens in the state. Such political party(ies) would have robbed the state of direly needed peace and progress.

    The history of election rigging in Ondo State (as part of a larger unit in the past or in its present form) has been characterized by damaging disruption to the state’s economy, polity, and culture. Any party that rigged in yesterday’s election – caught or not caught for rigging—must have repeated some act that had brought disaster to Ondo State in the past. It must have created a problem that is difficult to get over emotionally, even after court adjudication. It must have caused a division that is capable of further alienating citizens from their government and pitting families and communities against each other.

    Historically, election manipulation in the area that is known as Ondo State today has been a source of disaffection not only between the winner of an election perceived to have been rigged and the governed but also between families and communities that believe they have been cheated and those perceived to have benefited from cheating. When parties cried out loud about the possibility of rigging in the last few weeks, it was to ensure that a politically evil act is not done in a state that has a Monastic view of electoral integrity, a people that do not separate their ego from their vote, a people that traditionally view agents of election rigging as abusers of their humanity.

    A verifiably free and fair election in Ondo State would be a rare gift to the people from Jega’s INEC and the federal government that is responsible for providing security, to prevent rigging. In my trip to the state in the last two weeks, I was amazed by how many narratives of agony from election rigging I heard from citizens I consider too young to know so much about the destruction that rigged elections had wrought in the state in the past. Any accomplishment by INEC and security forces to prevent election rigging, though a statutory responsibility on their part, would have saved the state and its citizens the harrowing experiences captured in didactic tales told by youths about the danger of election fraud in the state.

    Election fraud in the Sunshine state had always been a source of economic, political, and cultural convulsion. For example, in 1965, an attempt was made to rig the election of a professor candidate of NNDP against a trader candidate of AG to the Western House of Assembly. The NNDP candidate was a man of stellar reputation and man of high integrity who happened to have ideological differences with the AG. After duly losing the election, he congratulated his AG counterpart. But the ruling party in Ibadan chose to give the NNDP candidate electoral victory which he openly rejected. This attempt to steal votes through media announcement fractured the town emotionally for a long time. Citizens got violent with individuals and families that supported the ruling party to change election results. Scars from the days of violence over election in the state, otherwise known as Wetie are still on the faces of several families today.

    Similarly in 1979, a day before the election to the House of Representatives, some successful business men were caught conducting voting in their houses twenty-four hours before the official election time. Some accomplished professionals who were in the race for the Federal House were also caught trying to steal ballot boxes on the day of the election. These acts infuriated the citizens, leading to slaughtering and singeing of those believed to be robbing citizens of their citizenship rights. Such acts left indelible scars on the psyche of life-affirming adults and children at the time.

    In addition, the stealing of Ajasin’s votes for Omoboriowo in 1983 led to large-scale violence. People of Ondo and now Ekiti states were incensed by what they considered to be acts of dehumanization. Citizens that were generally known to be pacific in their communities got on the streets, destroyed government property, killed prominent citizens, and caused general mayhem in all the towns of the state. The gory nature of the events of the time is better left unrepresented in print. The only election rigging that did not lead to open violence was the one of 2007. But the financial and emotional cost of two years of contestation between PDP and Labour Party and the crisis of legitimacy that the contestation threw up left negative impact on governance and economy of the state and on the psyche of citizens.

    If at the end of the exercise today or tomorrow citizens and their political parties feel satisfied that the election of yesterday was free and fair, INEC and President Jonathan would have created a respectable space for themselves in Ondo State’s election museum. They would have enhanced the country’s electoral democracy in a verifiable way. For citizens of the Sunshine state whose grandparents and parents have known violence on account of electoral fraud, it must be dangerous to imagine another election with any trace of fraud.

  • Dame Patience: The  guessing game continues

    Dame Patience: The guessing game continues

    The First Lady, Dame Patience Jonathan, has finally returned to Nigeria after a 54-day therapeutic trip to Germany. Her flight to Germany in late August, if that was where she went, was a closely guarded secret, with some of her aides eventually coaxed into suggesting that she went on vacation, and would return when she was fully rested. Like her abrupt departure, her stay abroad triggered speculations about the reason for the trip and the destination. Did she have food poisoning, appendicitis, or cosmetic surgery? No one was sure, no one is sure still, but all local newspapers offered diverse perspectives, and her husband and presidential aides lent no helping hand in shedding light on what newspapers came to dub the Dame Patience affair. It must be a reflection of the interesting standards of the Nigerian media that no medium had a realistic clue why she travelled, nor apparently where she went. Indeed, the way she spoke at the airport on her return mid last week, it would not be surprising if media establishments thought she never travelled at all.

    Whether it is acknowledged or not, the Jonathan presidency has managed the Dame Patience story much more efficiently than the immediate past First Family managed theirs. Nigerians knew the hospitals in Saudi Arabia and Germany where the late President Umaru Yar’Adua received medical attention, and what ailed him. Moreover, they also knew the story became a tragicomedy. But in the case of Dame Patience, no one knows where she went or how to categorise her trip. According to her, she was not at any hospital we knew, let alone the hospital where Yar’Adua was attended to, the Horst Schmidt Klinic in Wiesbaden, Germany. So where did she go? Mum was the word. Secondly, she said she did not have any surgery, not to talk of tummy tuck, and had no terminal illness as her detractors speculated or hoped. So what ailed her? Again, mum was the word, except to add that her husband adored her shape. Magnificent. After all, it is pointless asking her husband what he thinks of her shape, or imagining what men think of the shapes and sizes of their women.

    It was clear, as Dame Patience put it, that she experienced trying times, but due to God’s mercies could now have a second chance in life. So, she did not dispute the fact that she had certain unnamed difficulties, and except she spoke bad English, we got the impression those difficulties nearly took her life and attempted to destroy her first chance in life. Though she did not take Nigerians into confidence, and had spoken cynically and derisively about a few who wished her what God did not plan for her life, she gloated that Nigerians actually prayed for her in her time of trouble, and God answered the prayers. This column joins the prayer warriors to wish her well.

    Of all the questions Nigerians were dying – oh, that morbid word again – to receive answers to, Dame Patience answered none. It seems even more likely that now and in the foreseeable future, with a considerably mute presidency and cheerfully scornful aides, there will be no answer provided to any question about the First Lady’s trip and her supposed illness. The best the presidency wanted to give anyone during her absence was the few minutes video clip broadcast by the government television station NTA showing a vibrant Dame Patience exulting about taking photographs with her visiting husband and announcing her eagerness to return home. And the best we will ever receive now that she has returned is her airport rebuke and sermon. There will be nothing else, not even if there should be a reoccurrence of the unknown trial she obliquely referred to, God forbid.

    The airport sermon itself was nothing transcendental, and nothing like the exegeses we are used to when we read Martin Luther or John Calvin. But it was at least simple and touching, if a little exaggerated and affected, and perhaps even engaging and disarming. Hear her in her inimitably alluring grammar: “Thank God Almighty for bringing me back safely to Nigeria. Wherever there are good people, there are also bad ones. There are few Nigerians that were saying whatever they liked; not what God planned because God has a plan for all of us. And God has said it all that where two or three are gathered in His name that He will be with them. Nigerians gathered and prayed for me and God listened and heard their prayers, so I thank God for that. At the same time, I will use this opportunity to tell those few ones that are saying that anybody that goes to the Villa or Aso Rock will die. They mentioned Abacha; they mentioned Stella Obasanjo; they mentioned Yar’Adua and other people. But why did those people not mention those who went there with their families and succeeded and they still came out alive? We should remember that Aso Rock is the seat of power and that is where God has ordained for us Nigerians that our leaders should rule from and to rule us right. God is wonderful and His infinite mercy endures.” Clearly she has read her Bible, and she studiously quoted the right passages. But until she alluded to those who wished her dead, few Nigerians knew such talk was abuzz on the Internet, nor that during her therapy she was unnerved by the morbid online chitchats.

    If the media would welcome Palladium’s counsel, instead of asking questions to which answers may never come, they should rather come down hard on the governors, ministers, wives of governors and other highly placed government and party officials who indulged their sycophantic bent by going to the airport to receive the First Lady. That was not a show of love. It was typical, insufferable Nigerian flattery. If the governors and ministers were so grovelingly idle, perhaps we should appeal to the officious and obtruding National Assembly to invite them to the legislative chambers – invitations that apparently irritate the likes of Sanusi Lamido Sanusi of the Central Bank – to ruffle their flimsy feathers.

    According to some newspaper reports, at the airport to receive the returning and obviously refreshed First Lady were Governor Seriake Dickson of Bayelsa State, the increasingly technocratic and dashing Petroleum minister Mrs Diezani Alison-Madueke, the soft-spoken Environment minister Hadiza Mailafia, Education minister Ruqayyatu Rufai, Labour minister Emeka Nwogu, many ministers of state and wives of some governors – all fawning, wife of the Senate president, and many other government officials. Their excuse must never again be that invitations from the National Assembly weary them; for if they could shelve their work to receive the First Lady at the airport, they must be willing to go to the ends of the earth to honour National Assembly invitations, no matter how distracting or cumbersome. Absence, they say, makes the heart grow fonder. It must, however, be deeply ironical and quintessentially Nigerian that Governor Dickson was also at the airport to receive one of his permanent secretaries. Is order of precedence no longer valid in Nigeria, that the senior finds it imperturbable to fawn at the feet of his subordinate in government?

    As the second round of guessing game begins, this column welcomes Dame Patience back home to enjoy the second chance she says life is offering her. And by the way, she kisses far better and far more natural than her husband who, in the photographs published on the front pages of Thursday newspapers, made what should be an adorable spousal exercise look like, well, an ordeal. In her broad smiles there was not a hint of distress; but in her sermon there was a touch of the Chief Olusegun Obasanjo Christian conversion – the use and application of elementary theology to underscore the cumulative rejection of one’s detractors. As Dame Patience prepares to forgive her rumour mongering enemies, let her also be prepared to read more online speculations about her health and the recent German trip. She has put the testy trip behind her; but she will not be able to ignore the avalanche of speculations likely to lather her every cough, every wince and every sneeze.