Category: Tatalo Alamu

  • Major Triumphant

    Major Triumphant

    (“I am not dead yet”)— Colonel Victor Anuoluwapo Banjo

    The above were the defiant last words of Colonel Victor Banjo after each round of furious bullets failed to silence him. It was an unequal struggle between man and man-made metal. The great colonel eventually succumbed to the fierce velocity, thus ending the life of one of the most brilliant and mysterious officers thrown up by the Nigerian military during the years of the locusts, 1966 to 1999.

    The neat and cruel symmetry of dates only reinforces the metaphysical mysteries that often accompany the birth of national tragedies. For Columbia and Latin America in general—according to the incomparable Gabriel Garcia Marquez—it was one hundred years of solitude. For Nigeria, it has been ninety eight years of the syndrome we now name as elite solipsism and still counting.

    There is an exacting and intriguing connection between war and literature. Some of the greatest writers the world has produced have been arms bearers in their prime. Count Leo Tolstoy, arguably the greatest novelist of all time, Leon Trotsky, Winston Churchill, Charles de Gaulle, Andre Malraux, a.k.a Colonel Berger, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Eric Blair, a.k.a George Orwell, Wilfred Owen and the great war poets of England and a host of others. These were writers of the greatest pedigree. Two of them were Nobel laureates in literature. Perhaps an immediate but superficial explanation is that apart from love, it is war and literature that evoke the deepest passion in humanity.

    Readers of Victor Banjo’s memorable memoirs, particularly his hugely touching and affecting letters to his beloved wife from prison, must wonder what a great writer lost to Nigerian literature. This is the stuff of the greatest penmanship anywhere in the world. Banjo writes with passion and poetic brilliance; his observations are laced with penetrating acuity. The letters are wrought from the furnaces of epic sonnet at its summit.

    Like all supremely gifted people who are conscious of their god-given endowments and the possibility of deploying these for restorative and redemptive actions, Banjo could be difficult, impossible to fathom and perpetually obsessed by a single solution. Yet there can be no denying that he was a great Nigerian patriot and nationalist. Even his obsession with a single solution which could be a vice only led to the virtue of granite clarity and phenomenal will. Eventually, there is probably only a thin line between genius and monomania.

    It will be recalled that Colonel Victor Banjo was arrested shortly after the major’s mutiny of 1966 for physically threatening the new Head of state, General Thomas Aguiyi-Ironsi. It was rumoured that he was close to the radical majors and was tacitly in support of their action although he was not a direct participant. A less brave and self-assured man would have lain low, but not the testy Colonel who probably viewed Ironsi with barely concealed contempt and condescension.

    It was in prison, or what may be termed in retrospect as true preventive custody, that the greater events of 1966 and the killings of Nigerians of Igbo origins found Banjo. Incarceration in the east probably saved his life. Imprisonment saw Banjo resuming his friendship with his old buddy, the then Colonel Emeka Odumegwu-Ojukwu. Although very sympathetic to the gory plight of the Igbo, he was not persuaded that this should lead to the break-up of Nigeria.

    In prison, Banjo had renewed contacts with other committed Nigerian patriots and nationalists who were not sold on secession but who also felt that General Yakubu Gowon was an interloper who had no business presiding over the affairs of the nation. Thus crystallised the idea of a Third Force which was to rid the nation of the ethnic revanchists who had installed Gowon and the secessionist bugaboo in the east.

    It turned out to be a bridge too far for the great colonel, or perhaps it was the old Majidun bridge that was too far. Given command of a Biafran army that was to rid the mid-West of Nigerian forces and then head for Lagos to topple the Gowon administration, the colonel began to nurse other ideas.

    It was reported that an advance unit of Banjo forces actually got as far as Ikorodu. It was a fraught and dire moment for the federal government and there were rumours of hurried evacuation plans to spring the beleaguered Gowon from Dodan Barracks. But back in Benin, the colonel appeared to stall and stonewall probably due to immense logistic difficulties. There was even a farcical short-lived Republic headed by a military doctor. It would seem that after Banjo serially disobeyed his orders, Ojukwu tricked him back to Biafra where he was executed after a celebrated trial of saboteurs.

    For a nation already serially traumatised, the best way to avoid further ethnic kerfuffles is to place the Banjo tragedy in a severely dispassionate sociological perspective. War is hell. Secondly, once an army loses its way in the political jungle, it will eventually turn on itself in an orgy of fratricidal bloodletting. This is the lesson the Nigerian military ought to have learnt from its years of misadventure. Apart from the nation, the greatest casualty of military rule is the military itself.

    The logic of a strife-torn army unravelling at its ethnic and regional seams is strange and compelling. There is no paddy for jungle. Once Colonel Banjo accepted a military rank and the command of an army from the Biafran army, he had accepted Ojukwu as his commander-in-chief. He was bound by military ethos to accept and obey his orders to the letter.

    Treason cannot cancel out treason except by superior force. Within the context of the mass hysteria of a faltering and tottering Biafra and the enduring trauma of the Igbo people at that point, it would have been impossible for Ojukwu to save his old friend from certain death. Not even friendships forged in radical comradeship often survive a poisoned polity. When Majors Adewale Ademoyega and Emmanuel Ifeajuna caught up with each other in prison, the argument about who was remiss in his role during the uprising led to memorable fisticuff which shook the entire prison.

    Perhaps in an unviable federal prison, there is always a stiff price for an ethnic nationality to pay for political sophistication and a cultural incapacity to stomach tyranny and misrule. But by his radical daring, his contempt for personal suffering and his noble self-sacrifice, Colonel Victor Banjo has joined the pantheon of Yoruba avatars who have sacrificed themselves in the pursuit of a greater and better Nigeria. If political martyrdom were to be added to this list, then it becomes an endless cortege indeed.

    Last Friday, the Yoruba race in Nigeria added another illustrious son to the pantheon of its military sons who have chosen self-sacrifice as a noble profession. There have been weeping and wailing ever since. But one thing should be clear. Major Akinloye Akinyemi, a.k.a Sergeant Carter, might have died physically, but his cult of heroic example will survive for many generations to come. It was the mortal remains of the late major that were interred last Friday, leaving him with the robe of immortality.

    In the end, nothing could be better and more uplifting than the moving tribute and homage paid to him by three of his classmates at Government College, Ibadan, and the lengthy obituary by his military colleague and former comrade in arms, Colonel Tony Nyiam. First published in an abridged form in a national newspaper, the full devastating disclosures came later in the online Sahara Reporters.

    Scion of the notable Akinyemi family, the late major was a model officer in every material particular. He was in a class and league of his own always finishing far ahead of others in terms and times of physical and mental exertion. Top honours and rave commendations at the elite Sandhurst Military Academy were followed by a First Class degree in Electrical Engineering from a prestigious British university.

    There is a lot about Akinyemi that recalled the martyred Colonel Banjo. Both were extremely brilliant officers, mercurial in disposition and also first class military engineers. Even as he was pushing his lithe body to the limits of physical endurance, he was also pushing his mind to the zenith of pneumonic capacity. This mental agility and the conquest of physical pains would serve him well during subsequent ordeals.

    It was not surprising that this gifted officer chose the elite paratrooper unit as his natural turf. Given his antecedents and glittering records, Akinyemi ought to have finished at least as a four-star general who could hold his own in the rarefied echelons of global military titans. But in an army imploding from its internal contradictions, the unhappy consciousness is a sure recipe for tragedy.

    The unhappy and troubled major began asking unhappy and troubling questions about an army courting disaster and death by misadventure. Instead of heading for the stars, he was directed to the military dungeon where his tragic predecessors had ended up. He only escaped the firing squad by whiskers. Twice the major was arrested and detained and twice was he arraigned before military investigating boards, first during General Babangida’s tenure and later during General Abacha’s reign of terror. He lost his commission in the process.

    It was perhaps Major Akinyemi’s encounter with Abacha’s murderous goons that left their indelible scars. Mentally abused and grotesquely tortured, he was also rumoured to have been injected with a poisonous substance which eventuates in fatality by slowly targeting the vital organs. If this were to be so, the major must have been an extremely tough cookie indeed.

    It is just as well that “Sergeant Carter” finally found peace and solace in god as a Christian soldier and officiating pastor of The Redeemed Christian Church of God. The major is at ease, but the nation is still ill at ease. Perhaps it is only the dead who are probably lucky. We say this because there are several walking dead and living casualties out there crying for mercy.

    As we bid a final goodbye to this illustrious son of an illustrious father, it is useful to remind ourselves of the heroic sacrifices of those who made the current dispensation possible. As the nation celebrates its fifty second anniversary, many of the demons of yore are still very much with us. Only full disclosure will lead to full closure for an unhappy nation. May the fallen major rest in perfect bliss.

  • Murder in Gbagada

    While we are still on the issue of promising Nigerians cut down in their prime, it is sad to report of a great tragedy that occurred in the Gbagada suburbs of Lagos last weekend. It was murder most foul. Like all freshly wedded people, Ugochukwu Ozuah looked forward to a life of bliss and prosperity with Joan, his fetching bride. With the home front firmly secured, his head must have been humming with a million brilliant ideas about the future. But this was not to be. The young man was cut down in a hail of bullets.

    His family insist that the police are the culprits. The police are insisting that the dastardly act was carried out by still unknown assailants, possibly armed robbers. Somebody must be lying. What is clear is that Ugochukwu did not kill himself. He did not commit suicide. Or perhaps he did by being born in the wrong country at the wrong time. When he was asked whether he had a conception of hell, Wole Soyinka famously retorted that having lived in Nigeria for over seventy years, he had a fair idea of what hell is like.

    But we deceive and make a big fool of ourselves if we think the rest of the world is not aware of what goes on in Nigeria. Contrary to days of yore when savagery and barbarity could be hidden, we now live in an open global village. Even before snooper received a plaintive report of the crime the following morning from one of Nigeria’s top female lawyers whose son was one of the groomsmen at the wedding, the internet, Facebook, Twitter and other global fora of enhanced social communication were already awash with report of the murder in all its chilling and horrendous details.

    This is one heinous murder too many, and it must not be allowed to be swept under the carpet. All those who have children of marrying age must rise as one to demand justice. In Latin America, they ended up with Mothers of the Disappeared. In Nigeria, Mothers of the Murdered (MOM) should rise as a group. As usual, the police have begun to muddy the water. They declared promptly and peremptorily that the poor chap was a victim of armed robbers. Then they resorted to the familiar Kayode Soyinka Syndrome by fingering a near victim as a principal suspect. This will not wash.

    It is just as well that the energetic, enterprising and proactive new Inspector General of police is reported to have requested for the file. Readers of this column will notice that we are always reluctant to damn the police. This is the first time in five and a half years that we are coming down hard on our police force. This is because we feel for the plight of an under-manned, under-paid and under-motivated police force. But there can be no denying that the Nigerian multi-ethnic underclass has sent its most homicidal and pathological elements to the force. These are the trigger-happy scoundrels and criminals in uniform. Nigeria will know no peace until they are de-coupled.

    Until the debate about state police is resolved one way or the other, the I-G has his work cut out for him. The list of victims of police elimination is long and lengthy, and so is the trail of proper justice. A few years back, Bayo Awosika, the son in law of the revered columnist, Allah De, was murdered in gruesome circumstances at a Police Check point in Lekki Phase 1. Nothing has been heard of the case. Mr Abubakar must be told that enough is enough.

  • Victor Ludorum

    Victor Ludorum

    (An evening with the great Victor Abimbola Olaiya)

    The problem with Nigeria is not an absence of human resources but an embarrassment of human riches. It is arguable that no other nation on earth is so spectacularly endowed in terms of human capital. The prodigious capacity to excel no matter the adversarial circumstances is part of the Nigerian narrative. Yet it is also an integral part of the Nigerian paradox that at every turn, particularly in national politics, we keep throwing up our third eleven.

    The fact remains that in all spheres of human endeavours, a nation must always put forward its best foot if it were to make any showing in the comity of nations. A nation must constantly showcase its great exemplars if it must cultivate a cult of heroic examples. What you plant is what you harvest. If you showcase nonentities as your national heroes, then you are cultivating a cult of nonentities.

    Last Sunday inside the commodious bowel of the excellently refurbished Lagos City Hall, Snooper witnessed all that was great and good about great and good old Nigeria. It is so appropriate that it was this iconic monument that was chosen as the venue of the occasion. The building itself has survived several man-made disasters, including an attempted obliteration by fire. So last Sunday, indestructible Nigeria caught up with the ineluctable genius of the nation.

    It was the celebration of sixty years on stage of the great musical ace and avatar, Dr Victor Abimbola Olaiya. The historic showstopper was the brainchild of the cultural entrepreneur, tireless promoter of good music and notable Highlife musician himself, Femi Esho. From humble beginnings, the indefatigable and irrepressible Esho has firmly established himself as the most notable cultural Czar in contemporary Nigeria.

    Ably comperéd by Aremo Olusegun Osoba, assisted by his musical enthusiast wife, Beere Derin Osoba, it was, needless to add, a moveable musical feast. It was a cultural extravaganza. Nostalgia invaded the entire hall. There was excitement and enchantment in the air. The magic and aroma of great music filled the place like some excellent fragrance.

    Victorian and Edwardian Lagos came alive once again. For connoisseurs and aficionados of great music and good breeding, it was time to savour what Nigeria was before the apocalyptic blackout. Where and when did we get it so catastrophically wrong in this potentially great country?

    As to where and when, there will be many contending answers. But one fact is incontrovertible, and that is the pre-eminent status of the guest of honour at the Lagos City Hall last Sunday. Without doubt, Victor Olaiya is the doyen, the primus inter pares and the Victor Ludorum of Nigerian Highlife music. In a country wracked by ethnic animosities and contending cultural rivalries, this claim may open one to charges of Yoruba irredentism or even sub-ethnic sabre-rattling. Highlife, we must remember, was the nearest thing to our national music and hence a site of fierce intellectual contestation.

    Let us now use the concept of Victor Ludorum to elaborate the signal importance and pre-eminent status of Victor Olaiya. In its Roman instance, Victor Ludorum means the victor of the games or the overall winner of the competition. Overall is the operative word here. In other words, other competitors may surpass the eventual winner in some departments, but when the overall aggregate is taken, the winner is clear.

    Celestine Ukwu will continue to dazzle with the sheer poetry and musicality of his compositions and the philosophical profundity of thought. Rex Lawson , the Kalabari crooner, will continue to thrill and astound with his masterly cadences, the poetic sonority of his voice and the bewitching originality of rhythm.

    When it comes to John Ademulegun Akintola, a.ka Roy Chicago, the urbane self-assurance, the metropolitan swagger and breathtaking lyrics, particularly the infusion of his native Ikare folksongs into highlife, will surely outlive him. Fela will be justly celebrated for the genius of his innovations, particularly the hectic syncopation of the post-Lobitos era, and his political and ideological bravura. Victor Uwaifo trumps all with his electrifying rhythm and mastery of the guitar.

    But among this stellar array of musical giants, Victor Olaiya is the true prodigy of musical engineering. Possessing most of the attributes of his rivals and contemporaries, he could blend disparate elements together to create truly memorable and mellifluous music. Yet he makes it look so simple and deceptively easy. True genius is often such a formidably disruptive phenomenon that it must wear the mask of ordinariness. On an ordinary day, Olaiya could pass for your average uncle next door. It takes true genius to mask true genius.

    Famously described as the evil genius of highlife music by another prodigious exemplar, the great and unassuming Allah De, Olaiya was born in Calabar of Ijesha Isu parentage, schooled in the east before coming to live in Lagos. This seeming cosmopolitan rootlessness was to turn out a great source of strength, allowing Olaiya’s genius to roam far and wide for musical fodder, borrowing freely from Highlife’s origins in the old Gold Coast and its ashiko variant from Sierra Leone’s ex-slave coastal community. Like so much grist for a musical mill, Olaiya’s genius worked over the chaotic potpourri producing a unique blend and an even more unique brand.

    It can now be said that what Olaiya has going for him more than anyone else is the sheer accumulated heft of experience, the sheer longevity of career and the professional gravitas accruing from this. No other Nigerian musician, dead or alive, could boast of sixty years on stage and the glittering accolades. As the Chinese would say, if you stay long enough by the river side, the bodies of your enemies would wash by.

    Olaiya played for the queen of England on a visit to Nigeria in 1956 and four years later at the Independence Ball. For a musician, it doesn’t get more royal than this. Olaiya is a royalty among the nobility of Nigerian musicians. This much was evident last Sunday as great musicians such as Sunny Ade, Dele Ojo, Orlando Julius, Tunde Osofisan and the octogenarian but mysteriously agile Fatai Rolling Dollar, fell over themselves to pay homage to his dandy majesty.

    Yet the beginning was not so propitious or flattering. True enough, Olaiya was born into immense riches. True enough, there was music in the family, the father being an accomplished lay organist and the mother a singer of repute. But to the Olaiya pere, music was what you play in your spare time and not what you choose as a profession. Professional music was for the flunkies and junkies; the no-hopers and casual riffraff on the margins of society. It was not for scions of the new merchant class.

    Having passed his matriculation examinations in 1951, the young Victor was expected to proceed to Howard University for a course in Civil Engineering. But Olaiya rebelled and chose music and a different kind of Engineering.. It was a decision that was to cause much sorrow and gnashing of teeth. In cocking a snook at his family, Olaiya joined Bobby Benson and Sammy Akpabot in rebellion, just as they were to be joined later by the then Fela Ransome-Kuti. It is doubtful if as an engineer, Olaiya could have brought more fame and historic importance to his family.

    The irony of pre-Independence highlife music in Nigeria was that many of its leading exponents were from affluent well-heeled background that rebelled against their class in order to create the music appropriate and befitting for their class. If they showed great determination and force of character in this rebellion, they were to show greater integrity by refusing to kowtow to the arriviste new class or pander to the crude taste of the parvenus. Till date, highlife music remains a class act, but also music for a class in ascendancy.

    But everything has its time and place. Even while highlife music was recording its magnificent successes, the material conditions for its possibility were being eroded by new dominant and emergent realities. First, the coastal elite lost economic and political power to the hinterland elite. Then the military overran both..

    In a touch of mesmerising irony, Olaiya himself was given the field rank of Colonel to entertain soldiers fighting the civil war. It was like a man playing at his own professional funeral. Military and police bands may play excellent highlife music at ceremonial balls but in real life, the new military aristocracy and their emergency contractor buddies do not care a hoot for the sedate languor and the kusimilaya ballet of highlife music. They would need praise singers and a more pulsating beat to reflect new social and martial exigencies.

    Perhaps the most delectable piece of irony of this glorious evening with the master musician was when Sunny Ade reminded him of how as a boy, he held his trumpet for him at the Fakunle Major Hotel Oshogbo. But more importantly, Sunny Ade reminded the great musician that when decades later his band’s musical equipment was impounded after defaulting on terms of payment to Olaiya’s musical equipment company, it was Olaiya who quietly ordered that the equipment be released. It was like a general handing over a cache of arms to an ambitious major. Juju music killed highlife

    As historic empires rise and fall, so do musical empires. Whether highlife would come back in a modified form is besides the point. Such things do not depend on an individual genius but on the configuration of material, social and historical forces. But for Nigeria to rise again, it will require the genius, the nobility of heart and the generosity of spirit evident in Dr Victor Olaiya. It has been a memorable evening at the Lagos City Hall. Here is wishing the greatest of them all many happy returns, sir.

  • A banking titan departs…

    While we are still on the subject of great and good Nigerians, it is meet to celebrate the quiet departure of Pa Olabode Olatunde Vincent, the former Central Bank Governor, who joined the ancestors earlier this month. He was a model banker and exceptional administrator: quiet, self-assured, discreet and compassionate but also tough-minded and rigorously committed to fiscal discipline.

    He was cut in the finest tradition of the profession. He was too confident of his natural ability to become a toady of errant governments. But neither did he turn himself into a public nuisance and self-advertising poseur as a result of misplaced self-regard. In these days of garrulous but comprehensively challenged economic shamans, his tenure remains a memorable benchmark for prudent husbandry of national resources.

    Urbane, ever curious, intellectually alert and ever ready to grapple with the immense complications and difficulties of Economics as a living science for living people, he could have served with distinction even in old age in the hallowed sanctuaries of the Federal Reserve Bank or any other apex institution of western banking.

    Regrettably, Snooper came to know and associate with the great man in his very last decade when we both served as members of the short-lived Coalition for Better Society. He was in every material respect, a gentle giant; tall, dignified, unfailingly polite and ever solicitous of one’s wellbeing. His contributions were always thoughtful and well-considered. There was a ring of compassion for the less privileged in his voice.

    He radiated an inner sense of self-worth which found expression in his calm composure and patrician bearing. Snooper found him a great repository of Yoruba history, particularly the post-empire Mfekane which saw to the great dispersal of the tribe. According to him, his grandmother’s house in Abeokuta had the inscription, “Ile Apomu” which spoke to epic migration and great inter-mingling. All that is ethnically solid often melts into thin air.

    If the old man personified honour, simplicity and grace while alive, he was even more so in death. He had decreed that his earthly remains should be committed to mother earth within days of his demise. He did not leave room for the protocol of the idle and wannabe, the social lunchers and other morbid parasites to feed on the house. They were already beginning to gather when thunder struck. It is a lesson for his well-heeled compatriots. May the soul of this great man rest in peace.

  • Missing persons index

    Information is requested about the Labaran Maku who so heroically led the great anti-SAP students uprising at the University of Jos in 1989. Of late, a charlatan and masquerade posing as the Minister of Information has assumed the identity of the missing person. The impostor has been fluidly and fluently, and with poker-faced temerity, defending government’s anti-people and autocratic policies.

    In January, this morbid joker supported the unjust taxation of the poor that they called fuel subsidy removal. This past week even as the government was beating a hasty retreat in the face of unprecedented public hostility and nation-wide disapproval of the planned introduction of the 5,000 naira bill, this unelected apparatchik of transient power was dismissing the resolution of the elected representatives of the Nigerian people as not binding on the government. This repugnant fascism is unimaginable even in the worst days of military dictatorship. The great fox of Minna must be chuckling to himself.

    Anybody who has information about the missing person must forward it to Okon who is now busy compiling a list of missing persons in Nigeria from the presidency downwards for onward submission to the United Nations Refugees Commissioner. Maku was last seen at a pepper soup joint in Gindirin, or is it Didinrin?

  • Okon becomes currency controller

    Strange things are happening all over the country. Everything points at some apocalyptic convergence of malignant forces. The mysteries are mounting, and they are beyond the purview of ordinary people. Amidst rumours of mysterious ailments in high places, a woman was reported to have given birth to a goat and newspapers carried pictures of the horrid miscegenation without any sense of shame. There were reported sightings of a man on horse back riding through the clouds. Strange floodings and oceanic distemper are the norm. The end of time may be nigh.

    Snooper had been woken by a historic din. Thinking that the hour of man was at hand, yours sincerely rushed out half-naked to meet his maker only to be confronted by a truly outlandish sight. There was the sinister Okon in the uniform of a master workman supervising a huge boiling cauldron which hissed like a thousand vipers. There were about half a dozen hefty workmen who strangely deferred to him as he spewed a torrent of instructions. There was Baba Lekki affecting the solemnity of a professorial fraud. There was a man with the languid superior airs of a northern aristocrat who came with his own praise singer and drummer.

    “Okon, what is all this nonsense about?” an irate snooper demanded.

    “Oga, no be nonsense at all at all. We dey cook dem new naira note,” the crazy boy retorted with a fiendish grin.

    “Meaning what?” snooper snarled.

    “Oga as dem Yaro for Centre Bank say him wan print dem five thousand naira for dem local printers naim I say make Okon come tender before dem Ibo pikin come flood dem place with dem Taiwan naira. Okon don dey look for money sotey man come tire. I no dey play football with dem money again. Na penalty I dey play now. Person who no sabi how dem dey make money him go waka quench,” Okon offered.

    “So which line of business is this?” snooper demanded from the crazy boy.

    “Okon dey sell naira. Some people dey steal money, some people dey steal oil, some people dey steal dem aeroplane,some people dey sell dem people, but na naira Okon dey sell. When naira come jam naira for market, dem Centre Bank mala go no say even warder sef get master and no be only for Guinea dem dey make brocade.”

    “So who is this man?” snooper asked of the Sahel aristo who was eyeing him with calm disdain.

    “Na Alhaji Makuri, naira controller, na him dey supply dem chemicals,” Okon replied with a sheepish mien.

    “Na Malam Mercury be dat one,” a tipsy Baba Lekki interjected icily. “We don dey reach Weimar Republic gradual by gradual,” the crazy old man added with a scholarly guffaw.

    “Baba, shut up. I no dey like dem Wema Bank. Na dem Yoruba bank. And dem Yoruba no be better people at all at all. Na dem Yoruba cashier for dem Wema Bank for Okokomaiko who come steal dem first Yoruba wife from Okon .I beat dat one sotey he come forget him shoes.” Okon snorted in self-importance. It was at this point that the crazy boy lost his concentration. The witches’ brew exploded with volcanic gusto, sending everybody running for cover.

  • Birthday wishes to all nine-niners

    Last Sunday, September 9, snooper added another year. As usual, the whole day was spent entirely in bed amidst a crushing avalanche of books, journals, periodicals, newspapers etc. After a lifetime of gruelling exertions, it is not just the failure of expectations and the expectations of failure that turn one into a social coward. It is the failure of Nigeria to justify the immense suffering and misery it has inflicted on Nigerians.

    Snooper wishes to thank those who sent felicitations, particularly our sister and aburo, Deputy Governor and dancing Diva on the high hills of Ekiti-land, who sent a big okura with the stern warning that Okon should not steal his master’s meat. That will be the day, maam. Okon now goes by the title of Chief of Domestic Staff to snooper with concurrent accreditation to the boudoir.

    Snooper sends belated felicitations to all glorious nine-niners who berthed on this mystical day and in particular, General Buba Marwa, Hon Dipo Akingbade, our in law, our very young friends, Chukwuma Kanu, Oluwafolajimi Oladunni, the families of late Professor Ojetunji Aboyade and our late friend and classmate Aderemi Adesoye, a.k.a “Gurube”, a former permanent secretary in Ogun state, who was born exactly the same day as snooper. This fact was only discovered after reading his in memoriam a few years ago. Memories are made of these. God bless you all.

  • Ferment in Nigeria

    Ferment in Nigeria

    We have received an unusually heavy correspondence in connection with last week’s piece titled “The Rise of the Gainfully Unemployed”. These are unusual times in Nigeria. The nation is in ferment. There is a growing unrest, a radical disaffection among the young and a total disconnect between the governing and the governed that can no longer be ignored. Things cannot just continue like this. Something will have to give.

    In keeping with the promise of making this column an interactive coliseum of ideas in which there is no master voice, we are publishing some of the reactions this morning. If our rulers cannot learn from the pundits they can at least learn from the people. The House of Commons is not that common. This column will publish any reaction no matter how adversarial and personally offensive as long as it conforms with the ethics of civility and the law of libel.

     

    Tata Tata

    There would be no massive movement of the Nigerian poor from the village

    to the cities…quite on the contrary, in Nigeria the social cultural

    development trajectory is such that everyone comes from a village and

    commutes frequently. Most importantly, within a generation in Nigeria,

    you could move from being absolutely poor to unhealthily rich, and back

    again. It is fun, enjoy it. Revolution is for retards.

     

    Bola Awoniran

    Oga Tata, revolution is for the retards? So your Boko Haram boys are all retards then, for what they are doing in the northern realm of our fatherland is revolutionary – even though in a contorted and convoluted form. Since when has an emir been targeted for assassination?

     

    Tata Tata

    You are getting yourself all twisted up. We are conducting a proselytising Jihad, not a revolution. An emir is a commoner dressed up in funny robes in the eyes of Allah. We know no emir, only Allah and his messenger.

     

    Bola Awoniran

    O you old codger, Oga Tata you are now combining your jihadism with apostasy. Aren’t emirs Allah’s elect and his emissary on earth? And yet you are making fun of them about their funny robes. You know the emirs copy their funny sartorial styles from the House of Saud and the House of Saud are allergic to your kind of freelancing jihadism, alloyed with wicked, brilliant witticism at their expense. Please I don’t want you losing your limbs to that atavistic sadistic lot, for that will make my sojourn in the lands of the Maya very miserable.

     

    Tata Tata

    I lose a limb, I get an extra virgin.

    Bola Awoniran

    Oga Tata, at the rate you are going, there will not be enough virgins left in Aljannan to compensate you for lost limbs and consequences of evisceration. Remember there are competitors, from Afghanistan to Algeria. E ro dada oooooooooo, sheath your sword as Sir Snooper admonishes before it is too late.

     

    Sususu

    Tata has finally been congratulated by Prof Snooper on his recent appointment as OPC spokesman which takes immediate effect. Prof, what is always missing in your commentary is your “blindness” towards the primitive accumulation and elitist form of government. I know that you also “break your fast” and chop from there, hence the difficulty in criticising the “progressives”, therefore Prof, I ask that you please mind the gap.

     

    Ronke spot on

    Tata Tata

    How ya husband? You tell am before you come yab for Internet for Sunday morning? So re…

     

    Tata Tata

    What exactly does OPC stand for whose spokesperson I am supposed to be?

     

    Bola Awoniran

    Oga Tata, I think Sususu made a mistake, you are too nihilistic for OPC to accept you as a member and you are also too modernistic for their atavistic ways. You are at home with your Boko Haram boys. In OPC you will be a fish out of the water.

     

    Tata Tata

    Nihilistic? I testify that no one is god but Allah, alone, without a partner, and I testify that Muhammad is his slave and messenger. O Allah, make me among the frequent repenters and make me among the purified. Praise and thanks be to you, o Allah. I testify

    that no one is god but you. I ask you for forgiveness and I repent to you.

     

    Bola Awoniran

    Oga tata ,forgiveness and repentance ke, think the N.S.A. and his boys are getting closer to nabbing you guys, but Oga tata you and your acolytes must forget about it – that forgiveness and repentance boat has sailed. You are now indeed in a troubled shark infested shallow water.

     

    Imagine_2012

    Bola, please leave tata tata alone. Stop wasting your time. For me, just read, enjoy and ignore him. He is everywhere and nowhere…..just ignore.

     

    Xanthos

    Sat Guru Maharaji has been missing, we have not heard from him lately. Oga Snooper, help send Okon to Ibadan to find out from the perfect living one why the silence when obodo is on fire.

     

    Tata tata

    Guru has moved to Lagos. He had problems with the iwarefas, which we are trying to resolve.

    Bola Awoniran

    Oga tata, which one you dey? Are you of Ogboni Confraternity or a jihadist? We are getting tired of your osakala shokolo shaka position.

     

    Tata tata

    There is a saying where we come from, you do not lie on one side and sleep till dawn. Who knows who is going to stand at the gate at the time of judgment? Anyway, when certain forces are disturbed, those who know are called upon to setlle the land…only the deep can call to the deep.

     

    Bola Awoniran

    Oga tata, settling the land through your mayhem? So now you must destroy the land in order to save it a la Iraq and Afghanistan? Oga tata, Allah is my witness we will not permit that.

     

    Tata tata

    We? You and who?

     

    Bola Awoniran

    Me and the masses

     

    Obinnna75

    As Mommsen said in his History of Rome, about the first Caesar, the ordinary man does not disdain being led, so far as he is led by a master. Snooper’s literary mastery is acknowledged.

     

    Tata tata

    And as Prophet Muhammed said masters are anointed by Allah, not created.

     

    Imagine_2012

    The picture says it all. Unfortunately we are all on our own. One day this bomb shall explode.

     

    John

    Shalom, The Socratic Plato of our time, I am proud of you. To say the least, you are an amalgam of Socrates, Shakespeare, and the sum of the founding fathers of the American Constitution (1776). That you could stoop to notice this phenomenon called “gainfully unemployed class’, stands you out as a philosopher, human manager, seer, a patroit, and sociologist par excellence.

    I am a member of the ‘G U class 4.’ It’s saddening the ruling class has no vision for the frustrated youth. One day, the ’critical mass” will form, we the class 4 will speak, and the rest will be disastrous, revolutionary conflagration. We salute you.

     

    D_Oracle

    “The rise (and rise) of the gainfully unemployed” is a ticking time bomb. Sir, your generation has sown and continues to sow the wind. Surely you all will be alive to reap the massive whirlwind cum gale cum hurricane. You have the ears of these vagabonds-in-power especially those that populate the South West… the discontent in the land is getting to an alarming level and it’s almost a cinch that the unmanageable commotion will begin from the South West.

     

    Tata tata

    Yo know for a fact that you are a Yariba…Obasanjo onyejekwe is also one.

     

    Bola Awoniran

    Sir, it is very unusual and very uncharacteristic of polymath intellectual avatars to combine humility with intellectual prowess, and your easily combining the two had in my humble opinion elevated you to the realm of greatness in our national pantheon, as flawed as it may be to apostates of our national creed.

    But sir your contention that “Gone are the days of infallible leaders of men who treat fellow citizens as ignorant and feckless children. Gone are the days of writers as oracular supermen dispensing nuggets of wisdom to lesser beings from their Olympian fountain “is not in conformity with the duplicitous arrogant reportage of the Western press, listen to CNN, and you discern right away that the duplicitous verbiage they are spewing and spinning is pure and unadulterated mendacity.

    Listen Sir to Bill Oreilly, listen to Rush Limbaugh, listen to Christian Amanpour, listen to Fareed Zakaria, read Rupert Murdoch newspapers, read about all their characterisation of Africa and what is coming out of Africa.

    Until recently when they are in competition with China for African resources they start reporting about Africa rapid growing GDP, and conveniently failing to report that this growth was fueled by mineral exploitation, and that poverty index and corruption index in most of these African countries are rising exponentially.

    Sir, have you heard them saying anything negative about Equatorial Guinea? And they are hand in glove with the tin pot dictator bedeviling that part of the mother continent.

    What about the Tony Blair and Collin Powell spin that led to destruction of Iraq? It was actively promoted as gospel truth by the Western press and their neo-con intellectual rabbis.

    Now the rabid atavistic and obscurantist House of Saud who name a country after their own family name, and the despotic, imbecilic and equally obscurantist rulers of Bahrain and Qatar are now being promoted as champions of democracy in Syria.

    They want to give Syria what they don’t have; they want to teach Syria what they don’t know. What a theatre of the absurd! Terrorists are being financed and armed to destroy Syria, blatantly contradicting the West’s avowed declaration of war on terrorism. It is in this light we must be wary of their ambivalence in declaring Boko Harama terrorist organisation.

    Sir, the information they daily disseminate to the world is absolute arrogant falsehood and aberrant propanganda. Sir, on your supplication that “ God forbids a revolution in Nigeria in which gainfully unemployed  suburban scum return to the metropolis, that will be holocaust itself. “On whose behalf are you making this supplication? Obviously not on your behalf, for Chief Okon  is already overhauling intermittently the existing societal order and also intermittently fomenting sporadic revolution in your household ,yet you adapt and evolve, unlike our diabolic pedestrian thinking pathetic caricature of homo politicus. Sir, bo ba le ya koya, elulu ti o fajo ori ara e ni o fajo le.

    Sir, if they don’t return to the metropolis where are they to return to? Sir, as you earlier proclaimed they are youth, and flower of this fatherland and now they are suburban scum, by your dictum. who procreate these suburban scums?Your generation Sir, now you are all afraid of Frantz Fanon prognostication about the future that awaits you guys from the Frankenstein monster your generation has created. Sir, I wonder who is afraid of the barbarians at the gate?

    Obviously not you, but your friends. Sir, please admonish journalists and opinion molders in our fatherland to shine their search light on the beneficiary of our fatherland ethos of crony capitalism and pseudo capitalist comprador bourgeoisie, expose them  for the fraud that  are. The resurgence of countries like China, India, Japan, Brazil, Argentina, Russia is the result of efforts of their patriotic capitalist bourgeoisie.

    The fulfilment of American manifest destiny was the manifestation and culmination of the efforts and struggle of this class.

     

    RealityCheck

    Government saw men only in mass; but our men, being irregulars, were not formations, but individuals…Our kingdom lay in each man’s mind. T.E Lawrence. I once asked a truck-driver why they conduct themselves so dangerously not mindful of other road users.

    His reply: Which other road-users? We see only flies and ants driving. About the over-crowded train, let me break it down. Our almighty government doesn’t see individuals, it see “ants “and “flies.”

    Sususu1

    Answer correctly and win!!!!

    What is the name of the political party that Dr Olu Agunloye will decamp to in Ondo after the gubernatorial elections? Star prize is an oil subsidy contract and a chance to become part of the “Bugatti Boys.”

  • Elephant and Castle

    Elephant and Castle

    (The political economy of royal succession)

     

    Just in case you are thinking of the huge and sprawling shopping complex to the South east of metropolitan London, this is not about shopping. Or rather let us just say that this is about shopping for a president in a royal jungle. It is about the political economy of succession in an animal farm. All animals are equal, but some animals are truly more equal than others.

    Sorry folks, we have to return to the feral and furry realm of animals once more. A few weeks back, we had thought that we were done with animal tales. But there are compelling reasons to return to the magic world of crawlies and good old Comrade Napoleon. This is what happens when the tools of conventional Political Science fail dismally to explain or grasp the dynamics of an unfurling political drama.

    Conventional Political Science rests on a set of stable variables for its analytical validity and integrity. To a large extent, you can predict the outcome of the inevitable collision of human and social forces. After all, when you have eliminated all that is impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, is the truth, to appropriate the great Sherlock Holmes. But in the post-colonial jungle, nothing is set and everything is variable. It is the ultimate nightmare of the political scientist.

    You would have thought that only a year after the last presidential election and given the dire and fraught situation of the country, a nasty succession battle would be the last thing on the mind of our political class. You would have thought that amidst country-wide social unrest and given the fact that the north of the nation has virtually imploded politically and economically from the Boko Haram scourge, presidential election would be the last thing on the mind of politicians.

    You would have thought that the conventional wisdom is to fix what is broken first before deciding who should handle it. But you are profoundly mistaken. This is Nigeria, Blackman’s own country. And who would have thought that at this particular moment the Jonathan presidency would come to resemble the Yar’Adua presidency in its inert and futile probing like a stalled caterpillar and its mix of political and physiological ailments? It is all beyond our human ken. It points at some malignant tricks of some powerful occult forces.

    If anybody had thought that the next presidential election or the impending succession battle would be fought over the Boko Haram plague or how to secure the political stability of the nation by redesigning its grand architecture, they had better perish the thought. A plantain plantation or Banana Republic does not require architectonic wonder. Just allow the oil to flow and all will be well.

    It may be an economy based on extractive predation, but it is an economy all the same. After all there is demand and there is supply, which is the first law of economics. Secure the oil rig first and the electoral rigging can come later. This is the political economy of royal succession in an animal farm.

    Last week, there were some significant moves on the chessboard which foreshadow a great battle of will and wits in the coming months. It points towards another epic succession battle. It is a play of giants and both the grass and the grassroots are already trembling. Against the selectorate, the electorate have no chance. The kingmakers only vote after the king has been chosen for them. This past week, the elephant rumbled and the castle quaked as if it has suffered a tectonic concussion. Let us return to the elephant and the castle.

    With its mammoth brains, the elephant is gifted with phenomenal memory. It neither forgives nor forgets Its powers of photographic recall are a tad short of the miraculous. It remembers human faces and scant topographic features. It stalks those who have attempted to harm it with chilling resolve. It often lies in wait for those who would ambush it. When roused to fury and indignation, the elephant is a truly formidable picture of elemental rage and umbrage, tearing at and pulling out everything in sight and out of sight. Its capacity for absorbing punishment is legendary and even in death—as the Yoruba will attest—the skull of an elephant is no luggage for children.

    In anger and angst, not even the castle is safe and secure from the elephant, more so when the elephant itself has sojourned twice in the castle. A bid to secure permanent residency met with massive popular discontent in which the earth quaked with towering indignation and disgust. The elephant retreated in shame and misery. But it has not forgotten old business or forgiven old businessmen. In military parlance, it is known as discreet evacuation of troops while awaiting reinforcement.

    Last week, Nigeria’s surviving pachyderm from the Jurassic Age, the irrepressible and inevitable General Olusegun Obasanjo, finally roused himself to political battle but from the economic trenches. With well-controlled indignation and in an act of political marksmanship quite stunning for a man of his advance age, Obasanjo took the economic policy of his political protégé to the cleaners. The proposed introduction of the 5,000 naira mega-bill, he averred, was not only going to further compound the economic miseries of Nigerians, it was bound to fuel massive inflation.

    All hell was let loose at the castle. This was the political equivalent of Pearl Harbour when the Japanese suddenly overwhelmed the imperial might of America. You would have thought that as a distinguished member of the Council of States and Jonathan’s political benefactor and godfather, Obasanjo had a safe and secure communication channel, a hotline as they say, to communicate his misgivings to the presidency. But this is what late M.K.O Abiola famously described as “high-wire politics”.

    A succession war is in full swing. The elephant has bared its battle-tested trunk. Knowing fully well that transformation is the kernel of Jonathan’s message and self-declared mission, and knowing fully well that a sound economic policy is the heart of transformation, the great elephant has wrapped its trunk round the presidency’s soft and septic underbelly.

    This is a textbook military operation, a bold Panzer strike at the jugular before the mopping up operation. Once Jonathan is rendered combat-ineffective, it will be a question of time before his limping presidency is taken out of contention. Obasanjo is a past master of the politics of delegitimation. His artillery bombardment of Babangida’s “deficits of honour, credibility and integrity” prepared the ground for the Minna General’s crucial lapse of concentration and hurried exit from power.

    The same gambit led to the eventual unravelling of Alhaji Shehu Shagari, General Mohamadu Buhari and lately the Yar’Adua presidency. In the particular case of Alhaji Shagari, Obasanjo gave a damning and devastating critique towards the end. When the Daily Times deliberately published a garbled and mischievous version, the irate general sent a blistering rejoinder. Abacha who could read the game very well swiftly impounded him, but this did not prevent the goggled one from meeting a similar fate.

    For months, there have been rumours of a final and terminal parting of way between godfather and godson. It was deliberately leaked to the press that Obasanjo was eyeing a Sule Lamido/ Rotimi Amaechi ticket. This was swiftly and hurriedly denied. The stinging economic rebuke is the clearest indication so far that that the Jonathan administration is an object of stringent scrutiny by Nigeria’s power mafia and the report card may not be too flattering.

    Predictably, the presidency has been placed at the equivalent of a war footing. Presidential canine sentries simply tore into Obasanjo. There were even echoes of Michael Okhai Akhigbe’s infamous put-down of the old warhorse as a frustrated farmer.

    Leading the pack of hounds is Doyin Okupe who ironically was Obasanjo’s former spokesperson. With patronizing glee, Okupe dismissed his former boss as a private citizen who is entitled to his own views. One can almost hear the bellicose medico smacking his lips in relish. It all recalls a passage from Job: “My desire is that mine enemy hath writ a book”.

    But the icing on the cake of insolence goes to Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, the feisty Central Bank Governor. Virtually dismissing Obasanjo as an economic illiterate, Sanusi, with caustic severity, added that the old war veteran may be a successful farmer but he is a bad economist. The main plank of Sanusi’s diatribe was that it was Obasanjo himself who had introduced mega-bill currencies into the Nigerian economy.

    Yet in the very next breath, and in patent self-contradiction, Sanusi added that Obasanjo’s introduction of mega-bills did not lead to inflation due to “prudent fiscal and monetary policy”. Does that not mean that in spite of himself, Obasanjo is not a bad economist after all? In any case, the Central Bank guru has not told us how the current massive run on the naira through various sinister scams and the Sanusi-endorsed unjust taxation of the poor called subsidy removal will not eventuate in printing more and higher megawatts naira thus fuelling more tacit devaluation and inflation.

    As it is often the case with Lamido Sanusi, the ease, fluency and facility of delivery seem to have got in the way of logic and deep reflection. In Nigerian officialdom it is not a crime to speak before thinking. Yet it is quite unlikely that these vitriolic denunciations could have passed without some tacit endorsement from the presidential bunker.

    The elephant has the castle within its rifle sight. But the castle is unmoved and unmoving. It all points at a nasty roforofo fight or what the Yoruba call yanponyanrin. The old general may be trying to return to his old political base. But for once in his career, he might have made a fatal political miscalculation with Jonathan. This is because other unstable variables might have crept into the equation. The chap from Otueke is unlikely to go down lightly and meekly.