Category: Tatalo Alamu

  • Okon survives an assassination attempt

    Okon survives an assassination attempt

    As Okon’s antics became more outlandish with each passing day, snooper devised a scheme for tempering the juvenile Calabar rogue’s waywardness. The mad boy has even added Governor General of Efik nation to his numerous titles. We decided to ask him to accompany snooper to the barber’s shop where we normally relax and enjoy a game of draughts with our childhood crony, Buhari a.k.a  Buhari Jogbojogbo. May be Okon can learn something from the ancient wit and wisdom of the Yoruba, and the humility with which they display their wisdom.

    The day began with snooper trying to sharpen Okon’s rusty mind for the task ahead. He was also cautioned that Jogbojogbo was a dreaded chieftain of an outlawed confraternity and a Yoruba supremacist who believes that his people are the greatest thing that has happened to the world.

    “Okon, what’s your take on this Kong-fu fight between Ribadu and Aondoakaa?”

    “Oga, I like Ribadu well, well. Na me supply the carbide dem use come scatter dem Globacom man’s gate. I write dat one say make he give me dem journalist handset, dem come tell me say dem no sabi any journalist wey dey bear Okon.  Na im I say if dem no sabi my pen dem go sabi my carbide”.

    “Okon!!” I screamed in disbelief.

    “Oga, leave me o jare. “

    The fireworks started immediately as soon as we got to the barber’s shop with Jogbojogbo eyeing Okon with suppressed mirth as if he was a specimen from the zoo.

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    “Alamu, do you need this one to dress like Mungo Park to cook  egusi soup for you?” Jogbojogbo asked with wry bemusement.

     “Buhari, leave the poor boy alone,” I said with a smile. Okon was not amused at all. After trouncing snooper in straight sets, Buhari became expansive and started taunting Okon again.

    “Come oo, Etteh, what’s that your funny name again?”, he asked Okon.

    “Oga, I no be Etteh, I be Okon Anthony Okon”, Okon snapped.

     “Hen, hen, so when did your people start bearing name?” Buhari crooned.

     “Oga, when my people dey go school for Hope Waddell your people dey fight for Kiriji” Okon submitted with a straight face.

    “Ha, Eko yi ti baje. Even Calabar cook dey talk back”, Buhari stammered in wounded self-regard. Sensing tragedy, I quickly rose to go, but Okon was not done.

    “And make I tell you, na Calabar dem white people wan make capital, but dem come find say your people make better slaves”, Okon blasted.    On hearing this, Jogbojogbo flung out a huge amulet from his pocket. Okon scrambled away, screaming, “Yoruba people wan kill me again ooo”.

    First published in 2007

  • At bay at the Rafah Crossing

    At bay at the Rafah Crossing

    It is a deeply unoptimistic time for the human species. We live in very stressful and distressing times. The war in Gaza has shattered all known paradigms of hostile contention. As Israeli tanks and heavy armour tore through the last remaining ramparts on their way to Rafah, all the known manuals about war and peace-making have disappeared in a hellish bonfire. All the appeals by the defeated and the world at large for a ceasefire, a humanitarian truce that would allow humanity to regain its composure and recover its poise, have been spurned by the victors.

    There is a hardening of heart and of feelings about the Israeli war cabinet that is grimly and ironically biblical, reminiscent of the sufferings and tribulations of the ancient Jews in the hands of their Egyptian captors eons earlier. This time around, the shoe is on the other foot. You begin to wonder why history tends to repeat itself and about what Albert Camus, the great Algerian-French author, has called the solidarity of all humans in aberration.

    It no longer makes sense to talk about an apocalypse in Gaza. The apocalypse is already here with us, what with the unspeakable carnage and the scale of destruction and human wastage. The situation is post-apocalyptic. Never in the history of modern warfare have a people and a nation been subject to such systematic destruction, such mindless evisceration and high-tech obliteration in full public view.

    This century is only two decades old and the auguries for humanity are very dire. It will be recalled that the decade opened with the most deadly viral assault on humanity ever seen in modern times. Globalization ensured that the lethal scourge travelled far and wide, and quickly too. All the stockpile of the deadly weapons that human imagination could conceive and the arsenal of far-ranging nukes were of no avail as humanity and the entire human race were almost upended by a single virus.

    A firm lid has been placed on the origins of this mysterious incubus and any inquisitions into its unholy provenance whatsoever by the global power masters. They are united by the fear of their own shadows. Traced to a laboratory in Wuhan, China, the Covid-19 scourge is a telling tribute to the destructive rat race among leading nations in the world. The rest of the world is just mere collateral damage.

    For about a decade now, this column has repeatedly canvassed the notion that the nation-state paradigm is fraying at the edge and has probably reached the end of its tether. It will require a global gathering of sapiens or an assembly of luminaries on the scale of Westphalia or Utrecht to rejig it or plot the way forward for humanity. Without it, all the talk about a two-state solution to the Palestine/Israeli quandary will remain nothing but hot air.

    Before our very eyes, Israel has emerged as a new type of colonial nation with the power of life and death over the subdued and subjugated Palestinians. Like the Jews themselves for almost two millennia, the Arab-Palestinians will now be reduced to aimless wandering and perambulating like a band of footloose gypsies.

    A western creation in controversial circumstances, Israel is now cocking a snook at its benefactor with the western powers unable to do anything about it. The western powers knew what they were doing when they set the Jewish cat among Arab pigeons. But with the current upheaval among its populace, America may yet discover that it has lost more than power and prestige to the Middle East conflagration.

    Next on this panoramic inventory of the infirmities of the nation-state paradigm is the long-simmering Russia/Ukraine war with Vladimir Putin insisting on dismembering Ukraine. He has succeeded elsewhere else and may yet succeed in this one too as Ukraine begins to manifest early signs of war-fatigue. Putin, who has fingered western conspiracy and manipulation in the collapse of the old Soviet Union, is bent on doing something to restore his notion of geo-political equity and equilibrium.

    The cost of insisting that the brave and patriotic Ukrainians have a right to self-determination, like every other people, is proving prohibitive. Putin will not go back home without something to show for it. That will be suicidal. And since it has now been proved beyond reasonable doubt that international politics is not about being right or about higher morality, the western backers of Ukraine should persuade its leadership to cede territory in order to live to fight another day.

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    There are many other contemporary flashpoints of nation-state paralysis the world over, particularly in Asia and Africa. The toll has been prohibitive. Myanmar has been roiling in a bloodfest for almost twenty years. Burmese youths are seceding in droves to the insurrectionists in the jungles who have vowed not to relent until they have brought down the despicable tyrants in Rangoon. With their back to the wall, and in an irony of ironies, the junta has dredged up the image of the iconic founding father of the nation, the same man whose daughter they have treated with such contempt and brutal discourtesy.

    Venezuela and Guyana are up in arms against each other over a disputed oil-rich enclave. Many countries in Latin America are economically unviable and their states effectively defunct as hordes of refugees make nonsense of the sanctity of national borders. Sudan, Somalia, Cameroon, the Democratic Republic of the Congo and Spanish Sahara are in need of an urgent make-over.

    The modern instances of Pakistan, Bangladesh, East Timor, Malaysia, Singapore, South Sudan, Slovakia and the dissolution of the Soviet Empire show that territorial mapping and reconfiguration cannot be a once and for all time affair. There are usually unanticipated developments, emergent contradictions and the resurgence of old ancestral feuds which can no longer be contained within the old format without something nasty and sinister giving. Unless global statesmen are inured to human suffering and bloodletting on an industrial scale, it may be time to put on their thinking cap.

    In all this, perhaps the biggest elephant in the room is the Israeli/ Palestine conflict which began innocuously enough in the first week of October last year with a frenzied Hamas assault on the Israeli homeland and has now escalated to become the greatest global conflict of our time with the potential to degenerate into a nuclear confrontation. This column calls it the conundrum of cousins. It has held the world spellbound since the creation of Israeli nation by the victorious world powers in 1948.

    In the murky and phantasmagoric world of super power intelligence, what we are witnessing in the Gaza Strip may well be an intelligence stunt gone awry, just like the Covid-19 gambit. In retrospect, it is highly unlikely that the punitively proactive Israeli spy network or the various western listening posts in the Middle East would have missed the furtive rumbling of Hamas prior to the eruption on October 7th.

    It is possible that Israel and its western patrons actually encouraged Hamas to deliver the weaker punch in order to give the organisation a terminal sucker punch which would put its nose permanently out of joint. What happened next is the law of unintended consequences or the logic of unanticipated developments.

    Hamas has proved much stronger, more determined and far more durable than conventionally expected while an embattled, humiliated and severely jolted Israel has decided to go for broke with no hostages taken. The biblical Masada complex, of fighting to the last man is at play once again.

    The result has been the horrific carnage and wanton destruction that are now winging their way to a surreal finale on the storied border crossing with Egypt. The modern world is no longer safe when Israel decides to reenact the valour and feckless heroism of its ancient forebears.

    It has been suggested that the Israeli Prime minister fears peace because he is eminently aware that a peace settlement will signal the end of his stranglehold on his nation. But other opinions suggest a far more ambivalent public with about half the populace secretly applauding Benjamin Netanyahu’s gung-ho and up and at “em” militarism.

    It is a play of giants and the common mass of humanity has little or nothing to contribute except to watch in fretful silence as the grim denouement approaches. In the sanctuary of power, men and women are expendable just as flies are to wanton boys. Not even the UN and its humane and emotionally intelligent Secretary General have anything to say except to issue advisories brimming with apocalyptic forebodings. How many divisions does Antonio Guterres have?

    However what may be, the only silver lining in the cloud in all this is the huge moral and ethical reawakening the Palestine/Israeli conflict has triggered the world over particularly among the youth which happen to be the most vital demographic. Dachau and Auschwitz happened a long time ago. It is no longer part of contemporary consciousness. All the young can see is the brutal battering and decimation of the hapless Palestinians as projected unto their screen.

    The youthful Americans see their government as complicit in what they think is crime against humanity perpetrated by an American satellite with the military connivance of their own government. This is why all over American university campuses, from the east to the west coast and from the north to the deep south, irate and implacable students are up in arms.

    It will not deter the belligerents. Only superior force can do that. But here again is where the law of unintended consequences and the logic of unanticipated developments may yet kick in again. If the current ferment and tempest drive America into the hands of an ultra-right government led by a berserk narcissist and megalomaniac conman come November, the wheel of fortunes would have turned full circle and America would have paid a dreadful price for its namby-pamby policy in the Middle East.

  • Okon feeds white lion

    Okon feeds white lion

    As the drama of former public officials hiding away from the same public they had served so diligently and meritoriously intensified, yours sincerely has been watching the tomfoolery and buffoonery of it all with increasing fascination.

    Whatever will make a nation’s errant political class dishonour the sacred ethos of public service with such brazen indiscretion and alarming criminality remains a subject of great historical fascination. Snooper has consulted all the great books of history and the matter remains a great mystery. Not even the theory of primitive accumulation could be of great help in this outlandish bazaar of barracudas.

    Just think of all the former governors, former senators, former ministers, former lawmakers, former party grandees and former helmsmen of blue chips company who are having a scrape or who have had scrapes with EFCC and you begin to wonder whether the nation has been overwhelmed by men and women of the underworld. There is no word in the dictionary for this kind of thieving culture, or the scope and scale of it all. With public distemper mounting, it is obvious that the situation requires harsh legislation or some urgent constitutional tinkering before it tips into anarchy.

    You can trust Baba Lekki, the old contrarian, to cotton in on the show. He had recently returned from a trip to the Kogi State capital where he was seen pasting a wanted notice on all public buildings in Lokoja with an old picture of the former governor looking like an apprentice tradesman. When he was challenged by irate tribesmen who live on the Kukuruku Hills, he thought it was a joke until he was pounced upon and forced to stuff the remaining notices down his own gullet.

    On Friday morning just before the airwaves filled with the latest turn in the hide and seek drama between a former governor and the EFCC, Okon barged in as yours sincerely lapped up the early morning drizzle while cozying up in bed. The midnight rains were quite a becalming blessing. With air conditioners prohibited by the prohibitive tariffs, yours sincerely has taken to sleeping swamped by cold bottles.

    “Okon, where are you going so early in the morning?” snooper ventured to ask.

    “Ha oga, I wan quickly reach Okene make I feed dem white lion. He don tey when him dey live under dem police woman him bed. Dem say, him dey cry for night as hunger dey wire am. He don dey chop him own white bally and him belle come dey swell”, the mad boy chanted breathlessly.

    “Okon, but lions don’t eat eba or small chops”, yours sincerely noted, hiding his amusement.

    “Oga, ha dis kind lion go chop anything, even insect sef. No be real lion. Na yeye lion. Him come dey run for common police. Wetin him dey do if dem send dem samanja soja?” the mad boy retorted.

    “Okon, but the man has obtained an injunction”, snooper noted.

    “Oga dat one na Otukpo market injunction. If him like make him obtain conjunction. Him must to comot. Even dem armed robber no dey thieve like dat”, Okon snarled.

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    “I can see you even put plenty of milk and Congo meat”, yours sincerely noted with a straight face.

    “Ha oga dat one na breast milk from Umuozara baby factory. You no say dem yeye man like plenty breast milk. Him get sixty pikin and him dey fire even dem police women”, Okon whispered and winked conspiratorially. It was at this point that yours sincerely drove out the mad boy.

    An elder statesman cuts

    Joe Ajaero some slack

    Feedback

    I have had another look at your column titled May Day for Labour. Even the Ajaero picture gave enough hint of what followed. The present NLC President is not different in stature from the popular former NLC President, Adams Oshiomhole, who was its president until 2007. He contested office for Edo State Governor in 2007 under APC. He was Governor, Edo State, 2008-2016. He was APC Chairman and now Senator.

    There does not seem to be much wrong then in President Ajaero’s approach, except that Oshiomhole’s term has ended and he had time to nurture a political set up which saw him through. He started with Labour Party, on to ACN and finally to APC. On the other hand, our President Ajaero went into a fully established Labour Party, with an existing structure complete with a Party Chairman, and he got severely bruised because he did not appear to have done his homework before he set off.

    Name withheld.  

  • May Day for Labour

    May Day for Labour

    Last Wednesday, Nigerian workers, like their counterparts the world over, marked the International Labour Day. It was a day reserved for celebrating the heroism and dignity of the average worker and for affirming the intrinsic nobility of human labour. There were vigorous and animated protests at the universal plight of workers and imperialism in different parts of the world.

    In Nigeria, amidst unprecedented hardship occasioned by the dwindling purchasing power of the national currency, crippling fuel shortage, savage power cuts and nation-wide food insecurity, the few remaining members of the vanishing workforce, relics of a glorious and heroic tradition, trudged out in ritual obeisance rather than genuine conviction. The Nigerian labour hegemons have lost a lot of legitimacy, authority and credibility to their shilly-shally and namby-pamby posturing in recent times.

    Since we live in a world full of incredible ironies, we might as well point out that May Day is also the ultimate distress signal from ships and aircrafts close to disaster. It is a modish and modernized version of the old SOS. For some time, the labour union in Nigeria has been letting out loud distress signals, particularly since the advent of the current administration which the labour leadership did its best to prevent from winning.

    The situation became tragically absurd after its current leader, against wiser counsel, allowed himself to descend into the rowdy arena of partisan politics in his home state where he was promptly pounced upon by irate party honchos and henchmen. His reward was a nasty and bulbous black eye which he displayed like an unworthy trophy. So far, there has been no reaction from the teeming eponymous masses of Imo proletariat. His opponent romped to victory with an unprecedented majority.

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    Never one to let go of the political opportunity arising from unforced errors, the president, a tested grandmaster of political chess, baited Joe and his accomplices mercilessly and a tad gleefully asking them to shelve the garb of labour and join partisan politics but with the ringing proviso that elective offices are no longer available until 2027. With the PDP in terminal disarray having been displaced from its center right national positioning by the ruling party, labour has become the most recognizable opposition to the dominion of the APC behemoth.

    It is a measure of how far the labour leadership has taken a plunge in public esteem. This degenerate drama of a national leader of labour being pounced upon by party partisans would have been unthinkable in an earlier epoch or during the era of distinguished icons of labour such as Pa Michael Imoudu, Alhaji H.P Adebola, Wahab Goodluck, Hassan Sunmonu, Malam Ali Chiroma and a host of others. But in fairness to labour, it is also unthinkable that earlier-era civilian governments would appear to be so blase and cack-handed about the fate of the nation’s workforce.

    Let’s face it, Labour has paid its universal dues. All the glittering monuments associated with civilization, from the Egyptian pyramids, the spectacular palaces of oriental kings, the alluring and enchanting architectural wonders of multi-faith worshipping to the dazzling skylines of the modern metropolis, are tributes to the powers of human labour often enacted in tragic and gruesome circumstances of toiling and sometimes the most demeaning and dehumanizing of conditions.

    In Nigeria, the colonial workforce consisting of able-bodied men and women as well as physically precocious children were often assembled at gun-point and dragooned to provide the cheap labour for the building of roads, bridges, rail lines and jetties to facilitate the evacuation of colonial plunder and rapine. Many perished.

    King Leopold’s Free State of Congo remains the most cruel example of this genocidal Leviathan of primitive labour. Millions died and many more had their hands lobbed off for refusing. Almost two hundred years after, the Congo remains essentially what it was under the monstrous Belgian king: an apocalyptic landscape of horrendous suffering and human wastage.

    The tragedy of labour that we have been tracking suggests a global overhang to things after all. As we have repeatedly canvassed in this column, the national trajectory to tragedy is unique and country-specific. Every unhappy country is unhappy in its own unique way. What labour was in Nigeria about forty years ago is not what it is at the moment.

    The current Nigerian labour aristocracy is a poor and miserable copy of its old self. Compare for example, the carriage and comportment of Joe Ajaero with the fiery, uncompromising swagger of Pa Imoudu, the patrician polish of Alhaji H.P Adebola, the cerebral self-confidence of Hassan Sunmonu, the  shrewd conviviality of Wahab Goodluck , the forbidding austerity of Ali Chiroma and the savvy political gaming of our good friend, Adams Oshiomhole.

    Since history is permanently unfurling, you cannot blame the epigone for lacking the heroic virtues of his forebears. It is like condemning Soyinka’s Elesin Oba for lacking the will to follow his sovereign to the grave, or blaming Achebe’s Nwoye for not being a proud and manly warrior like his famous father. It is the telltale sign of a society in the throes of turmoil and unmanageable contradictions. The solution normally comes from antagonistic logic supplied by conquering outsiders or by internal reconfiguration.

    Every ascendant protagonist must reflect the material, spiritual and political basis of the society that has thrown him or her up. In the last forty years and as a result of a combination of global economic adversity and internal mismanagement of resources, there has been a de-industrialization and de-education in Nigeria which have impacted negatively on the workforce as a result of the closure of many thriving industries and the very quality of labour leadership and its mode of apex recruitment.

    You cannot plant cucumber and expect to harvest cocoa yam. Sometimes, it is better not to be educated at all than to be miseducated. Here comes the double jeopardy. When many of our labour barons are sent abroad for further education in western power sanctuaries, they lack the intellectual discerning and the ideological nous. Consequently, they come back mouthing the same shibboleths and neo-liberal redundancies responsible for the original plight of their country.

    Labour lost the plot a long time ago when Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan romped home to emphatic victories in their respective countries. Both were unabashedly rightwing warriors and ideological militants who felt the arrowheads of western civilization were in danger of being overwhelmed by the Soviet empire. This infiltration of western ramparts, they insisted, was aided by anti- Christ leftwing elements using privileged and over-pampered trade unionists and the loony Stalinist press.

    It was the last hurray of old labour and the old left. In a famous advert which spelt doom for the embattled Labour Party, Saatchi and Saatchi came up with the ultimate slogan of wartime evisceration: Labour Is Not Working. It struck a chord and resonated widely with the British people. Once in power, Margaret Thatcher carried the battle to Arthur Scargill and the trade unions. She did not leave the trenches until they were completely routed. No one has heard from them ever since.

    Margaret Thatcher, the thrifty, piously restrained daughter of a Methodist alderman, could not understand how a society founded on the Calvinist principles of thrift and self-denial could succumb to such degeneracy and abject self-indulgence. She was initially dismissed as Thatcher the milk-snatcher. She would end up snatching more than unmerited milk.

    However, if the dynamics that power the political evolution of western society are closely examined, it will be seen that whenever the unrestrained enthusiasm of leftwing governments for equality and economic empowerment of the lower masses carry them too far in a particular direction, there is always a rightwing backlash which claws back the lost ground often by bending the stick in the other direction.

    Sometimes, the British resort to a typical political fudge such as when they go for a deodorized and demilitarized version of Thatcherism represented by Tony Blair’s reconditioned Labour Party. As part of the make-over, the original owner of the new Franchise, the dour and doleful but far more intellectually gifted Scotsman, Gordon Brown, was persuaded to step down for the smarmy blue-eyed English public school boy.   

    Our readers may be wondering what the collapse of leftwing ideology and the triumph of Thatcher and Reagan have got to do with the situation in Nigeria as at that point in time. That is precisely the point. Absolutely nothing, but that is if we had responsive, responsible and right thinking governments and political elites. It would have been difficult to fault the impressive data and the clinical clarity of the analysis which made western governments to embrace market fundamentalism.

    The Keynesian economic revolution with the state as the arrowhead of massive intervention to revive a comatose western society and an infrastructure devastated by the Second World War had run its course leaving in its wake a near bankrupt state, the collapse of private initiative, infrastructure in dire need of revamping and an over pampered and overprotected work force in need of a shock therapy.

    The situation and circumstances in Africa and in particular in Nigeria could not have been more different at that point in time. Emerging from the trauma of colonization with a weak state, weaker institutions and massive infrastructural deficits, what was required was not market fundamentalism and a harsh rolling back of government but a state fundamentalism such as practiced till date in China, Japan, Russia, Singapore, South Korea, Malaysia and others in which government takes a driving seat in pushing all aspects of national development and the empowerment of citizens.

    If the federating governments of the First Republic, particularly the Awolowo-led Western Region, got this right, it is unfortunate for Nigeria that it was at that point in time that a succession of authoritarian military regimes fell prey to the blandishment of the IMF and the Bretton Woods lobby.

    Even at that, monetarist dogmatism has subsequently been pursued half-heartedly and with a lack of conviction except in its punitive anti-people aspects. It has led to a severe economic decline, a sharp accentuation of class divides and grave social consequences for the nation.

    So when next old Joe Ajaero calls out his remaining labour faithful in his perennial confrontation with the federal authorities – which could be as early as this week – the platform will be swarmed not by the old disciplined cadres of labour but by the urban déclassé made up of a teeming mass of city vagrants and hobbledehoy spawned by de-industrialization and de-education. Who knows, they may even give him another black eye. But if the situation tips into anarchy, we may be talking of something nastier.

  • The Socrates of Oworonsoki

    The Socrates of Oworonsoki

    As the rogue fuel shortage began to bite harder during the week, and as bodies of able men spilled into the streets hunting for the rare stuff the way frenzied pigmies hunt for rodents, our mind went back to the old man. He has been incommunicado for some time.

    But as the fuel crisis entered its third day, snooper learnt of a major scam that bore all the imprimatur of the old devil. A man in Oworonsoki was claiming that he had turned water into petrol and was offering the stuff for sale at a heavily subsidized rate. We immediately smelled a rat, and our old friend. And to Oworonsoki we headed, on a bleary day when the sky blew its top.

    A human snake of a queue had formed from the Ogudu end joining the one coming from Alapere to form a serpentine confluence of distraught humanity. With much pluck and daring, snooper wangled his way through the queue. In a situation of near total anarchy where everybody is afraid of everybody, the gutsy fellow is usually a winner. When there is general disorder and insecurity, the person who has the mantra of order and security can get away with murder.

    And lo, it was the old man indeed. He had set up shop at the weedy intersection of the multiple over-archs. In the marshy background, the brackish and murky water of the Lagos lagoon foamed like fresh palm wine. The old man eyed everybody with amusement and weary contempt. Then he saw me.

    “Ah Agbadagbudu boy, long, long time. You come for the show, too?”, he crowed.

    “Bros, what is this?” I whispered.

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    “Ask the fools. Sebi na dem want cheap fuel?”, he screamed with much hilarity as he gestured wildly at the crowd. My fear at this point was that he could be lynched by the irate crowd if it was discovered that it has all been a cruel hoax. To my utter surprise, the old man seemed to be enjoying the discomfort of the crowd. In a show of sublime disdain, he even changed the topic as desperate men and women swarmed all over.

    “Congratulations on your boy”, he opened.

     “Which boy?, I asked him in alarm.

     “Okon”, he replied point blank.

     “So you know about Okon?” I asked as I jumped up.

    “Of course I read everything. The masquerade knows you even if you don’t know the masquerade. The boy may be an impossible rogue but he says all the right things. When you listen closely to his rant you know why the Niger Delta is in ferment.” At this point, the crowd became rather unruly. A man who looked like a spare parts baron began to complain aloud.

    “When are we going to get this thing now, abi na dis kind yeye talk-talk we come for?” he growled.

    “Shief, ankali fa, he who must drink hot pap must exercise patience”, an Ogbomosho man with deep tribal marks cautioned the increasingly agitated fellow.

    “Shut up, Zebra crossing. Am I talking to you?” the increasingly agitated mogul scowled at the man. At this point, the old man decided to intervene.

    “Listen, you fools”, he said and suddenly jumped up. “Have you idiots ever asked yourself why everything horrible and hideous in the world has a black adjective to qualify it? Black sheep, blackguard, blackmail, black spot etc. And now you want cheap black market petrol?  Se mi ni baba yin ni? (Am I your father?) Yeye people. Just go and hide your head in shame.”

    “Chineke!!! This crazy man has fooled me again!!!” the spare part magnate groaned as the crowd began to disperse in sullen despair and displeasure. As the last of them slunk away in defeat, the old man fixed snooper with an unnerving gaze.

    “See how meek and docile your people have become and you are expecting great changes. You have a revolutionary situation at hand but no revolutionists on hand. People are just making stupid noise all over. Human fuel shortage, that is the real problem, and it leads to paralysis and impotence in the face of evil, but…”

    “But we must start from somewhere…” I ventured.

    “Shut up!” the old man screamed as he charged at me with his massive pipe.

    ● First published on this page in May, 2007

  • Bobrisky as symptom

    Bobrisky as symptom

    Ijebu lowo ana o ‘Jiboye
    Moni Ijebu lowo ana o ‘Jiboye
    Imale saseju o f’ata taaba
    Anabi maje nf’ata taaba

    Something new always comes out of Nigeria. And it is not always cheering news. When it is not about the triumph of triviality, it is about the astounding venality and the resort to crude and brazen thievery among the political elite.

      So it is that Idris Okuneye, aka Bobrisky, by his appalling indiscretions, his lack of social grace, his gender-manipulating mischief and his transvestite one-upmanship, has worked sections of the Nigerian elite to such a fury of indignation that one began to fear for his life in or out of jail.

     Yet at the end of it all and after so much froth and bilious rage has been worked up, we are not nearer the truth than when it started. We have not been able to make a dent on the fundamental issues. We have not been able to establish what drives a damaged young man in a damaged society. It is the proverbial tale of an idiot, full of sound and sound bites but signifying nothing.

    Enter a  retired don from OAU Ife who wrote to remind the columnist that the first example of cross-dressing in the famed university happened in the eighties. It was a boy who was the product of a famous liason between two distinguished professors( names withheld) who have now gone to meet their maker. Our man wanted to know whatever became of him or her.

     So, let’s get this clear. It is not Bobrisky’s egregious brutalization of the naira that has earned him a jail term without the option of a fine. It is his open and ostentatious gender transgressions in a patriarchal and harshly gendered society. Having quietly watched his dressy antics with mounting indignation, the presiding judge must have rubbed her hands in relish when presented with the opportunity to deal with the importunate upstart.

      After all, it is not only Bobrisky who is involved in this perpetual dressing down of the national currency. There are traditional rulers, statesmen, leading politicians, iconic clergymen and notable society ladies equally implicated. But just one glaring and notable example will be enough. The road to justice is often paved with asphalt of injustice. As it is said, men are hanged not because horses are stolen but so that horses may not be stolen.

       From all available evidence, the fear of the law has been driven into the heart of the most obdurate and uncompromising naira abuser. But it is not surprising that having degraded the phenomenon of naira thrashing with that singular judgment, the fundamental issues or the foundational problem remain.

      The problem is what to do with a dominant permissive culture in which anything goes. To put it in another way, how much more can our permissive culture permit? It is useful at this point to distinguish between a liberal society and a permissive society.

     Whereas a liberal society encourages freedom of speech, freedom of association and mass participation which deepen the democratic process, a permissive society is a decadent, debauched culture which must rely on harsh, authoritarian measures to maintain its leash on the society. Hence the fear of and phobia for cultural refinement in any permissive society characterized by vulgarity, crass hedonism and the hankering after the morbid pleasures of life.

        A famous saying goes thus: “Whenever I hear the word culture, I always reach for my gun”. This quote is often misattributed to Hermann Goering, the Nazi leader and strongman. But he could as well have said so. A crack pilot and daring aviator, Goering emerged from the First World War, a celebrated hero of the German people.

    But he soon lapsed into a life of sybaritic pleasure and sensual self-indulgence piling up flesh until he became a huge mass of corpulent and bejowled monstrosity. He was an early German prototype of our own Bobrisky. To finance his morbid sensual propensity, he raided art houses and private collections until he became the wealthiest collector of priceless art in Nazi Germany.

      Despite the ominous echoes of contemporary Nigeria, we must return to where the rains started beating us. The opening quote of this essay is taken from a real life drama which took place a little over sixty years ago in the historic junction town that happens to be the writer’s ancestral homestead. The old Yoruba aristocratic nobility did their things with grace and measured dignity. They appreciated singers who sang their praises by pasting coins on their forehead.

      But there were occasional snags. In this particular instance, we found a celebrated local musician of the raara genre imploring his wealthy benefactor to do the needful on the grounds that the coin he pasted on his head the previous evening had turned out to be a counterfeit of Ijebu provenance as counterfeit coins were known in those days.

    “ Ijebu l’owo ana o Jiboye”. But the famed singer also quickly cautioned himself against excessive zeal or fanaticism in the pursuit of legitimate grievance. It is excessive zeal which caused a Muslim zealot to perform post-fecal ablution with peppered water. “Imale saseju o f’omi ata taaba”, and the bard ended by begging God (Anabi) to spare him the same ordeal. The singing went on with its punctilious refrain until the rich man did the needful.

      Now sweep forward to a decade after and the glorious mid-seventies in the old East Central State. This writer remembers with affection and nostalgia a courteous and impeccably mannered Igbo couple who always appeared at noon every Sunday at the plush ambience of the Presidential Hotel, Uwani, Enugu to treat the audience to wonderfully choreographed dance steps as urbane music wafted through. After each virtuoso performance, the couple would bow to rapturous applause and then disappear.

       Despite the political and economic setback of the civil war, this was the high noon of the old Nigerian bourgeois class as well as its last snapshot. There was indeed a country, to echo Chinua Achebe’s famously ill-tempered Parthian. A lady friend told this writer of how she and her siblings living in Lagos would peep through the key hole to espy their parents practicing dance steps in preparation for a state ball on the invitation of the then president, Nnamdi Azikiwe, who was a childhood friend of the father. The couple left for the east shortly before the commencement of the civil war never to return.

      So what has happened to turn an uncouth lout like Bobrisky and many others like him to national celebrities? In 1977 barely a week after FESTAC, Fela’s shrine was razed to the ground on the ground that his putative Kalakuta Republic was a grievous affront to national sanity and a menace to constituted public order. His iconic and well-storied mother was thrown down the stairs sustaining traumatic shock from which she never recovered.

      It was the real victors of the civil war extending their dominion to the totality of the country they had captured as a war-booty. It was also a warning shot to the self-regarding and supercilious Yoruba segment of the political elite that the new conquerors would brook no nonsense from them as they settled down to enjoy the proceeds of conquest and rule the country as they deemed fit. After their true heirs returned on the eve of 1984 to put finishing touches to the project, the real battle was joined.

      Since the remnant rump of the old political class had gone past their sell-by date, a new class project opened up with massive co-optation of all kinds of people to fill the yawning vacuum and vacancies. In order to maintain and sustain their hegemony even beyond the formal surrender of power which must take place no matter how long it took, the military sought to create a new political class in their own image.

      It was the beginning of a forty-year political trauma for the nation. Even now, twenty five years after the formal cessation of military rule, the nation continues to exhibit all the classic symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. As it was predicted, it was the Yoruba middle class that bore the brunt being at the vanguard and frontiers of political consciousness.

      But as we have hinted earlier, it was in the field of cultural production that the devastation has been most evident. There has been a seismic shift in cultural production in Nigeria leading to a collapse of the old cultural order and its hegemony. In every age and society, the dominant culture, be it in music, performing arts, philosophy and ideas, is the culture of the dominant class.

      The new military dominated ruling coalition needed its own musicians, its own praise singers, its own philosophers and organic intellectuals. Under the new arrangement, at least in the old West, Fuji and Juju music simply overwhelmed and muscled out the old Highlife. All subsequent efforts to revive this genre have come to naught.

      Every musical tradition has its time and age and patrons. When he was asked how he came by the title of General, Ayinla Kollington retorted that it was from General Abacha himself. It would have been unthinkable for this to come from the urbane Rex Jimmy Lawson, the aristocratic Victor Olaiya, the headmaster-like Celestine Ukwu, the scholarly Victor Uwaifo and the fierily iconoclastic Fela.

      Idris Okuneye, aka Bobrisky, has undertaken a risky venture. As a corrupted corrupter of youth, he is in need of urgent psychiatric intervention. He is both a victim and a symptom of a more fundamental societal impasse, a class project that has backfired. If we are to press the metaphor, it is a military messianic mission that has misfired.

      The more serious worry and concern is how much farther an utterly permissive society can travel this road to Golgotha without a major earthquake. None of the permissive cultures we have studied so far has escaped interdiction at the appointed hour. How to pull the plug on the contemporary rot and decadence is the major task before the current ruling coalition.

       It is unfortunate that since its inception, the EFCC, like a jinxed creature, has been snared up in a web of complicity and mendacity. The list of former chairmen lengthens in the shadow. When Ola Olukoyede joins that list of distinguished casualties, the crime-fighting agency would have lost the last shred of its legitimacy and credibility.  That will be a tragedy for a nation caught in an ethical whirlpool.

  • Optimism of the will…. and pessimism of the intellect

    Optimism of the will…. and pessimism of the intellect

    It was Antonio Gramsci, the great Italian journalist, philosopher and leftwing political theorist, who uttered those words when he was asked what spurred him in to take such grave personal risks at the behest of his people and nation despite grave physical impairments.

     Gramsci was physically challenged, to put it delicately. He was a consumptive. Throughout his life, he suffered one major ailment or another. But with his invincible will, he fought and battled the Italian Fascist movement till the bitter end. He was hauled into jail by the monstrous Benito Mussolini with the war-cry: “We must prevent this brain from thinking for twenty years!” It was in prison that Gramsci did his best work even though he did not survive the grueling regimen.

      The allure of nations can be overpowering for many of their illustrious citizens. Otherwise, what more is in it that will compel a ninety eight year old Nigerian emeritus professor to write with such clarity of mind, urgency and cogency about the developmental stasis of his beloved country?

      In the past fortnight, this column has received two important books from two distinguished Nigerian patriots. These are men of timber and caterpillar who think outside the box and who have contributed immensely to the development of their fatherland away from public glare and the stifling mediocrity of the klieg light. In an enthralling monograph titled, The Roots of African Underdevelopment: The Postscript, Emeritus Professor Otonti Nduka distils all the vexing issues about Nigeria’s developmental conundrum that have obsessed him for seven decades. He himself has called it his swansong.

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      Reading through the professor’s book, one cannot but applaud the passion and the stylistic panache he has brought to bear on the subject matter. Once again, one is forced to conclude that a nation’s path to genuine development cannot be left to experts who regurgitate the turgid nonsense that they have imbibed from their metropolitan masters.

       At first, one had thought that the professor was a peer and contemporary. But when one got to the point where he wrote about his ninety six’s birthday, one was forced to pause in admiration. As for Engineer Alexander Neyin, he has painted an unforgettable and memorable picture of growing up in the rustic Niger Delta.

      Titled, I Dared to Explore, it is an engrossing chronicle of pristine existence in the creeks and the struggle to reach the top of his profession despite a very rebellious and uncompromising spirit. Reading through the book, one immediately became fascinated with a kindred spirit once it was discovered that Neyin was among the group of students at the University of Benin who signed a letter which insisted that General Gowon’s time was up. For his pains, he was almost prevented from taking up a scholarship at Texas AM. We shall be reviewing the two books in the coming weeks.

  • Corrigendum

    Corrigendum

    The last piece published by this column about three weeks ago titled, A Flawed Titan…but a titan all the same was marred by an unpardonable human error. A  chunk of a relevant paragraph was hived off thus impairing the structural integrity of the paragraph. How any professional checker could read over the piece without immediately suspecting that something is wrong remains an editorial mystery. The enormous amount of intellectual labour that goes into writing a column week in and week out makes it mandatory for those who prepare it for publication to be diligent and hands on.

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      The columnist is too distressed to reproduce the missing bit. But the error has since been corrected in the online edition. Readers who are still interested should avail themselves of this opportunity.

  • A Flawed Titan…but a titan all the same

    A Flawed Titan…but a titan all the same

    A few weeks back, the founding president of Nigeria’s post-military Fourth Republic, retired general Olusegun Obasanjo, celebrated his eighty seventh birthday amidst pomp and pageantry. The encomiums and plaudits were rousing and heartfelt in most cases.

    One must have missed the one from the presidency. Nevertheless, the birthday boy excitedly soaked it all up. Obasanjo does not do things in half measure. Still full of energy and spunk although obviously losing volume capacity to advanced years, the birthday boy took to the floor capering, cantering and gamboling to the ecstatic delight of swooning admirers.

      Many of our ardent readers have been urging us to write about General Olusegun Aremu Obasanjo arguably the most successful soldier-politician thrown up by the turbulent milieu of Nigeria’s post-Independence politics while not actively taking part in any coup except by passive connivance. That happened on the night General Gowon was deposed when by his own admission the then Colonel Abdulahi Mohammed informed him that Gowon was a goner.

    When the columnist declined citing such interventions as strategically unhelpful and a needless foray into political controversies, the more vehement insist that not doing so is a willful abdication of national responsibility.  One of the readers, probably too young or  too obsessed with social media trivia,  put the reluctance to rank cowardice or the “parapo” politics of the Yoruba people.

       One can now reveal publicly for the first time that some while ago, one had been approached by a publisher and journalist, one of the finest in the land,  to review an autobiographical expose written by Obasanjo’s estranged first wife, Madam Oluremi Obasanjo nee Akinlawon.

    Hell indeed hath no fury than a woman full of righteous indignation. The book was so filled with incandescent rage and brimming with such insalubrious and salacious details that one had to decline reviewing .There must always be a limit to stirring up public obloquy.

    Given the circumstances which threw him up as an arms bearer of the colonial oligarchy and a postcolonial military institution that owed its originating summons to plunder and rapine of the local populace, Obasanjo has led a charmed life. Napoleon Bonaparte once noted that he valued luck above competence when it came to rating his generals. Obasanjo has been a very lucky man indeed.

      The colonial progenitor of that protocol of violence, the redoubtable Colonel Fredrick Lugard, pacified everything that could be pacified among the natives in Nigeria until he met his match in the Lagos coastal elite who fought him toe to toe until he was recalled after succumbing to a nervous breakdown which had its origins in an earlier disastrous tour of duty in India. He had fallen in love with a married woman.

      There are some exceptional figures of history, extraordinary personages whose personal conduct does not fit the prism of conventional ethical framework or mundane moralism. Obasanjo may well be one of these. Charles De Gaulle, the great French wartime leader, military genius, philosopher, muse of history and extraordinary prose stylist, called them “sacred monsters” obviously including himself.

       But De Gaulle was an abstemious moralist, a prude, and a stirring ethicist whose personal conduct in politics remains unimpeachable. During one of those long nights of intense contemplation with Andre Malraux, his beloved Minister of Culture and intellectual confidante, De Gaulle advanced the thesis that in France’s darkest hour of need circumstances always combine to throw up the right leader to lead the French people. As proof, he cited the example of Charlemagne, Joan of Arc, Napoleon and himself by honourable extension.

        We are talking of organic nations whose nationhood has been refined and processed through test, tribulations and triumphs across age and time and not artificial nations clumsily and inexpertly cobbled and glued together by colonial meddlers whose sole motivation appears to be overseas profit. Inorganic nations are only lucky to get it right once in a while by trial and often egregious error.

      The circumstances could not have been more disheartening in military-dominated postcolonial societies particularly in Africa. With their residual discipline, superior psychological stamina and reputation as professional managers of the instruments of violence and coercion on which the state relies, it was very easy for the early military conquerors of Nigeria to impose their will and whimsies on a demoralized, disorganized and disoriented political class.

      Watching the military consolidate their political annihilation of the Nigerian political class with the ascendancy of General Ibrahim Babangida was like watching some cruel blood sports whose outcome had been known beforehand. It was said that when some of Chief Awolowo’s surviving disciples approached him that something queasy and unsettling was unfolding the old sage from Ikenne simply told them that they would have problems with the young man. The titan promptly took his terminal exit.

      Thereafter, Babangida proceeded to banning , unbanning and debarring them from political participation in a war of attrition, exhaustion and intimidation which left them in complete disarray even as the now retired Brigadier Shehu Yar’Adua, a genius of feeding logistics and complex transportation, steamrolled them in their own electoral backyard.

     Meanwhile, the wily Owu general who would later profit most from the rout of the ancient political class was already lurking with intent closely monitoring the outcome of the struggle and the disposition of troops. Occasionally as the blood flowed, he would issue a note of caution and dismay even while being secretly thrilled by the comeuppance of the ancient Yoruba political class with their progressive claptrap and discomfiting self-regard.

     Cavorting and carousing with a man with such overawing credentials without taking the necessary precautions is like going to battle armed with a gold fountain pen. The pen will be used in drafting the obituary. Obasanjo is a man with formidable cunning and extraordinary native intelligence whose sleepy stare must not be misconstrued for loss of appetite for psychological profiling. Given to bucolic banters when truly in his elements, the earthy ribaldry can also be a staging post for deep psychic sieges. Even a casual meal is an opportunity for a psych-op.  

     If you rub Obasanjo the right way or if he takes a personal liking to you on the basis of antecedents, he can be such a wondrous and entertaining host. Meeting up with such a larger than life behemoth, a fascinating and intriguing personality can be a moveable feast of outlandish humour and rare historical vignettes.

           Our first meeting took place on a bright early October morning in some inner lobby of his vast farming estate otherwise known as Temperance Farm. One had arrived quite early for a meeting of Obasanjo’s baby, the Africa Leadership Forum, not knowing that the meeting had been rescheduled. The cancellation turned out to be fortuitous, affording one an excellent opportunity for a close up with the redoubtable master of political intrigues. In his rugged farmers’ outfit, the former military head of state cut the figure of bucolic peace and rustic contentment.

      “Ha, welcome, please have a seat. You know when you write, you remind me of people like Stanley Macebuh, Dele Cole and, and, and that other one they letter-bombed”, he opened with a deadpan expression which was truly chilling in its remarkable sangfroid.

      Ha? Alarm bells started ringing immediately. His oblique reference to Dele Giwa, the master journalist and exquisite prose craftsman, was even more destabilizing. Dele Giwa in his usual boyish enthusiasm and excitability  had told this columnist of sleeping on the same bed with the general any time they went up to the farm to spend time with him. If barely five years after his assassination he was now being casually added to the grim statistics  of state elimination, then God help us in this new venture. One chose to ride the bump.

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      As the conversation wore on with entertaining diversions from his farmhands including one of   Ghanaian extraction who had been accused of filching a couple of eggs, one noticed a slight discomfiture. Apparently, the old general occasionally enjoyed taking his breakfast on the bare floor but did not want to be marked down for uncouth and uncivilized conduct by his new friend who from all appearances and name must be an urban sophisticate from the bowels of Victorian Lagos. The general decided to take the siege to his visitor.

       “By the way doctor, where exactly are you from?” he suddenly demanded.

       “My place is somewhere between Ibadan and Ile-Ife”, one answered casually and offhandedly. The general felt relieved as the burden of expectation evaporated.

       “Is that so? Oh my God!! Please bring my food o jare!!! I thought it was all this Savage, Fernandez, Macgregor, Vera-Cruz, Bucknor and and Eric Moore,” the general exploded in bucolic mirth. But his mood darkened immediately as he remembered one big man from one’s town who had maltreated his niece in the course of a turbulent marriage which broke up eventually.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

    Amoo, iyekan re se mi”(I have been offended by one of your kinsmen) the general rumbled in his deep Owu accent. “ One hands over one’s niece in marriage only for her to be treated so shabbily, so badly”. Luckily it was time to go on an expedition of the permanent site of Bells’ University.

      On a different occasion at the Gateway Hotel after a particularly bruising exchange between this columnist and Professor Akin Mabogunje about the usefulness of SAP and its allied belligerent regimen as well as the value of academic collaboration with an authoritarian military regime bent on presenting the nation with a democratic debacle, the general, our host, snatched the microphone.

      Clearing his throat rather lustily, he began: “ I thank those of you who are in government. I also thank those of you who have been in government”. Then shooting a wink in one’s direction, he delivered the hefty punch line. “And I also thank those of you who will never be in government!!”. When one later walked up to him and demanded clarification, he erupted in boyish self-amusement. “Your views are too radical”.

      Almost thirty five years later, it is no longer a question of who is right but who is left after the piecemeal devastation and despoliation of the nation on the economic, spiritual and political front. The general himself has been to prison and had emerged triumphant as a two-term president of post-military Nigeria. But you cannot plant cassava and expect to harvest yam.

     Obasanjo’s last three attempts to bend the nation to his procrustean will have ended in political disasters. First was his bid to alter the constitution to gift himself a third term which was an epic fiasco. Second were his two attempts to galvanize the nation in a political direction dictated by himself. They unraveled catastrophically. A nation is not a military garrison. That is history talking back to him without embellishment or recourse to self-help.

      It has been an epic slog to military and political stardom. The Owu-born general is definitely a titan of modern Nigerian history, but a severely flawed one at that. Now that all passion is spent, the old man owes the nation that has given him so much a parting gift. He should embark on a reconciliation drive with all known and unknown adversaries, which is the prerequisite for the elite cohesion Nigeria needs for open heart surgery. That is the path of honour and higher statesmanship. Many happy returns, sir.

  • Baba Lekki storms old NEPA office

    Baba Lekki storms old NEPA office

    A day after the announcement of the steep and astronomical rise in electricity tariffs, Baba Lekki was up in arms, fuming and fulminating against anything and anybody in sight. The old contrarian has been quiet of late, vowing never to criticize the new government until a particular time has elapsed. But his agony has been compounded by the fact that he had earlier in the week been forced to abandon a trip to the interior because thieves have made away with the whole transformer of his town.

      “That is what they call amodemaja, when you capture both the hunter and his dog”, Baba Lekki explained to a group of younger admirers, “or the assassination of light if you like”.

     But this misty morning, it was obvious that the old codger was in no mood for any nonsense as he forced his way to the head of the queue with the crowd giving him a wide berth as he murmured some torrid incantations. He was quite a sight to behold, dressed only in amulet-suffused warrior knickers which gave off a foul odour redolent of expiring porcupine. The lady in the kiosk quickly motioned for help from a suave, well-dressed young man who looked like the resident trouble-shooter.

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      “Ah big daddy, how can we help you this morning, sir?” the young man opened with a polite smile.

      “You better stop that saccharine nonsense. You are the one in need of help”, the old man snapped.

      “So, what brought you here today?” the chap inquired slightly jolted by the old man’s irate adversity.

      “I want you to tell me the meaning of this latest obscene scam, this indefensible rise in tariff!” the old man screamed, furiously stamping his left foot on the ground.

      “Ah baba, we don’t do scams here. We only do hikes”, the young man responded.

       “In that case, eku aiki na”, the old man retorted in surly contempt lapsing into Yoruba-Hausa lingo.

       “Baba, let me help you out. What is your band?” the troubleshooter demanded.

       “Ebenezer Obey”, the ancient contrarian whined.

      “No, I don’t mean musical bands”.

      “But you are the ones playing Musical chairs with Nigerians. When you changed your name to DISCO, I knew nothing good will ever come out of it”, the old man noted as he began walking away in anger and sorrow.

      “Baba, what is your NIN?” the young man shouted at his heels.

      “You are a nincompoop!” the old man blasted as he vanished in the crowd.