Category: Tatalo Alamu

  • Okon escapes detention

    To Masomaso Police Station on the outskirts of an ancient Awori settlement near the Okokomaiko marsh this foul and rainy morning to secure bail for Okon. This is the third time in three months that the crazy boy would run afoul of the law, dragging yours sincerely into the dangerous territory of negotiating with criminal cops.

    Okon had graduated from being a houseboy to an antisocial kingpin as the social fabric of the nation began to give way under relentless assault from jobless miscreants and other sociopaths. It was just a question of time before one’s number comes up.

    Okon had been nabbed by a police patrol team as he snored away in a decrepit abandoned vehicle after a nocturnal  tryst with a woman of easy virtues. Too drunk and disoriented to find his bearing, the mad boy had decided to seek shelter and solace from the pounding rains in the abandoned bus. But unknown to him, the vehicle was loaded with subversive and incendiary materials from a group calling itself, Movement for the Liberation of Ethnic Nationalities (MLEN). The police quickly impounded both the vehicle and its human exhibit.

    This morning the ground was soggy and slippery after the unyielding rains. This contributed immensely to one’s irritation and discomfiture. You have to pick your way through one muddy pool after another as the ground squelched and mulched in sodden disgust. There were fat crabs crawling all over the place in indolent leisure. This must be the forward assault unit of the police, snooper thought as one of them made a dash for one’s trousers. The ambular miscreant lumbered away without any remorse as one kicked furiously at it.

    Baba rere, this one no be Yoruba crab oo. Na dem Bayelsa crab and dem stubborn well well. Dem no dey carry last. Yesterday dem chop one man’s blokos as him dey make Lagos yanga”, one of the resident criminals chortled as he observed the drama with wild relish. Yours sincerely almost froze with fright and premonition.

    “Baba olowo, your boys are here and we dey very gentle”, another crook with bleary eyes intoned.

    “Shut up, I am not your baba!” snooper screamed as panic overtook him.

    “You see dis yeye Yoruba man now? We dey respect and dey salute you and you come dey use your tolotolo mouth talk nonsense. If no be say we dey light duty, you for don see thunder”, their leader screamed at snooper as he barged through the door. To one’s surprise and amazement, the intrepid and daredevil Baba Lekki was already running rings round the desk sergeant and his befuddled subordinate.

    “Officer, I put it to you that you are a blockhead”, Papa Lekki thundered.

    “Na your papa be blockhead. Abi no be dem people who dey get oil blocks be blockhead?” the wild cop retorted brimming with savage malice.

    “We are applying for Habeas Corpus and an order of mandamus. This is a clear case of illegal detention”, Baba Lekki shrieked.

    “All dat na stupid grammar. He no fit remove one hair from me. Corporal, bring me dictionary make we see wetin dis yeye old man dey say”, the desk sergeant bellowed at his junior. As he made to comply, one hefty insane-looking thug, obviously the resident enforcer, emerged from one of the cells giggling with sinister relish. After chanting his native oriki, the desk sergeant got up.

    “Ha, Denge how market with dis Okon boy? You don reach fifth amendment?”, the sergeant demanded.

    “Oga we don pass dat one. I beat dem boy sotey. He don shit but him never sing”, the crazy fellow sulked as he eyed everybody with satanic disregard.

    “Ah leave am. Tonight I go use dem big plier remove him front teeth”, the desk sergeant threatened.

    “At this point, we will end up inviting the United Nations to come and see what is going on in this country”, Baba Lekki suddenly exploded.

    “Useless old man, if you like go bring Manchester United. Dem country don pass dat nonsense”, the sergeant retorted with a sadistic grin. At this point, an officer in mufti walked up to the sergeant and whispered something into the sergeant’s ear. It was an order from above to release all detainees.

  • Economics and Genocide

    The Road to Zango Katakata

    There is a strong nexus between economics and genocide. In almost all its horrific instances, genocide seems to occur in circumstances of famine, rising economic miseries, the struggle for space in stifling enclaves and brutal lack of opportunity .Throughout the history of humanity, the struggle for economic primacy is often cloaked as political and religious contention.

    Genocide can be state directed, that is when a terminally ailing state looks for scapegoats for its failure among its own citizenry. Or it can be society inspired when rising economic misery combines with real and imagined injuries to whip a people towards the mass elimination of fellow citizens. It can also be a combination of the two, a situation in which the state actively encourages its hegemonic citizenry to do the needful.

    In a book titled, Hitler’s Willing Executioners, Daniel Goldhagen provides massive compelling documentation to show how the virus of anti-Semitism had already infected the entire German high society rather than being just an eccentric obsession of Hitler’s state.

    Goldhagen argues that rather than being coy accomplices, virtually all Germans were willing participants in mass extermination. But since virtually all of European societies, at one point or another, exhibited strong anti-Semitic sentiments, it ought to be an object of historic curiosity that it was only in Germany that this resentment boiled over to outright genocide.

    The Ottoman Turkish genocide of the Armenians was a direct response of the emergent Turkish military warlords to looming state collapse and the end of the Ottoman Empire. The founder of modern Turkey, Mustapha Kemal Ataturk, did not wait for the victorious Allied powers before carving out a new nation from the rump of the dying Empire. The unfortunate Armenians who found themselves trapped in the Turkish enclave were summarily exterminated.

    Just as it happened in Hitler’s Germany, the genocide of the Tutsi people in both Rwanda and Burundi was state-directed and elite-inspired. In both countries, and particularly in Rwanda, rising economic insecurities spawned by rapidly expanding population and disappearing arable lands in a narrow strip led to an apocalyptic meltdown which became the shame of modern civilization.

    Yet in both countries, both the Hutu and Twa populace had for several centuries lived in peaceful and prosperous coexistence with their Tutsi overlords until the grim economics of mutual tolerance no longer added up. Indeed such was the level of peaceful cohabitation that the term Hutu was becoming an economic rather than a racial category. There was a ritual ceremony known as Kwahutura, or shedding of Hutu identity, which was a function of how many cows owned rather than ethnic origin.

    It is useful to point out that in an equally landlocked country but one with a vaster landmass and more prosperous economy like Uganda, there is also a sizable Tutsi population. But there has never been genocide in Uganda. The ethnic population is better mixed and diversified. Although the Tutsi are treated with respect and reverence as a result of their royal and aristocratic antecedents, it has never translated into an electoral overlordship. Idi Amin Dada, the crude and syphilitic Nubian crackpot, actually wanted to marry the charming and delectable Princess Elizabeth of Toro.

    It is the time of Zango katakata in Nigeria, if filtering reports from Oke Ogun are to be believed. There is an economic, political and spiritual nexus to the grave security challenges currently facing Nigeria which makes the country a prime candidate for genocide or an ethnic apocalypse. That is if care is not taken and the right choices not made by an errant political class.

    Advancing desertification in the north which has eaten up both arable and grazing land, rising economic insecurities fuelled by grave incompetence and mismanagement, have spawned a vast and restive Nigerian underclass. All this coupled with the sheer incompatibility of a feudal mode of economic and political production with the dictates of a modern nation-state appear to be snowballing into a major conundrum for a tottering nation.

    In the event, the herdsmen have turned their attention southward causing sheer mayhem and bloodbath where they encounter stiff resistance, particularly in the buffer zones of ethnic coexistence. Having discovered that kidnapping and banditry are far more lucrative than cattle-rearing, they have promptly forgotten about grazing routes and cattle colonies otherwise known as Zango. Who cares about a Zango when there is an Ango to be captured?

    The result is that vast tracts of the nation have either become no-go areas or have suffered severe elite depopulation. According to reports, huge swathes of Zamfara State are unsurveyed and unsurveillable; a classic case of disembodied and disarticulated territoriality. In plain terms, it means that many areas of the nation are continuously unmapped and therefore ungovernable havens for criminal enterprise.

    The heavy presence of undocumented and uncaptured Fulani herdsmen in several forests of the South West has led to a mild form of elite neurosis and hysteria with shrill cries of “fulanization” and Islamization.  Except for propaganda purposes, we must learn to separate the two for the sake of analytical and ideological clarity.

    While one cannot lightly dismiss this claim judging from the quarters they are coming from, honesty and sincerity demand that we acknowledge that the Yoruba people for centuries have conducted cultural, economic and mercantilist transactions with their far-northern neighbours. Being an essentially sedentary civilization, the Yoruba nation is more likely to feel the impact of unequal exchange as against the nomadic outreach of its competitors.

    However, it is only in recent times that the phenomenon of armed Fulani militia has become a haunting and troubling reality in Yorubaland. Despite their pervasive presence and the freewheeling anarchy occasioned by this, there is no clear-cut evidence that this is a structured and coordinated armed invasion. On the contrary, and going by the preceding analysis, it may well be that the armed militiamen are responding to the imploding and abhorrent social conditions in their region, a clear case of one region infecting another with its social anomalies.

    The Yoruba culture and civilization are too strong and secure to be summarily suborned and overwhelmed by armed conquest. When the handshake gets beyond the elbow, the Yoruba people and their leadership, that is they have not been overtaken by the law and logic of Asabiya, will know what to do and without any grandstanding or ostentatious sabre-rattling. This is not the time to seek political profit from the miseries of a nation.

    What seems to have got through to a section of Southern and even Northern minority leadership, and rightly so, is what is known as ethnic memory of political evil which often predisposes elites to partisan rancour and total lack of objectivity. Bishop Matthew Hassan Kukah and many others often allude to the harrowing experience of their people in the hands of their Fulani overlordship. These cruel indignities are often burnt deep into the political consciousness.

    The hubristic indiscretions of Sir Ahmadu Bello and the hegemonic swashbuckling of many contemporary northern leaders have not helped matters. In a modern nation-state, it amounts to an anomalous grandstanding for the elite of a particular section to claim the divine right to perpetual leadership or for its leader to aver that the nation is the estate of his great grandfather.

    This is where the threat of ISWA and its relentless and perverse drive for Islamization is a far more potent danger to Nigeria’s survival and ethnic harmony than the threat of Fulanization.  It is a well-known fact that the militant Islamic Brotherhood has no truck with the paradigm of the nation-state or its claim to territorial sanctity.

    Having been dislodged from the Middle East where it attempted to establish a trans-national Islamic state which completely redrew the map of the place, the rogue sect has apparently journeyed through the open corridor of the Maghreb to contemporary Nigeria. If this is true and the Southern Nigerian forests are already infested by well-armed and well-trained Islamic militants, then the Nigerian post-colonial state has entered a phase of critical emergency.

    This is where the international intervention alluded to by General Obasanjo in his recent broadside from the pulpit may become a fait accompli and not just a troubled prognostication. The international community will not sit idly by and watch the militant brotherhood establish a foothold in the south of Nigeria. Even neophytes of the global order ought to realize this. In all likelihood and if care is not taken, Nigeria is likely to be turned into an international battleground with the horrific carnage of Syria a child’s play.

    This time around, even far more than his first coming, the retired general from Daura has his work cut out for him.  He must seek out an urgent economic solution to the looming social implosion in the north and a swift military solution to the spate of banditry and kidnapping throughout the nation. He must also seek a national dialogue on the best political configuration for a multi-ethnic nation prone to centrifugal forces.

    The languid and listless nature of the opening moves on the political chessboard does not suggest an acute awareness of the critical nature of the dangers posed to the country. But if the president cannot see far into the hazy horizon, the empty chairs of significant absentees at his second inauguration on Thursday ought to alert him of the extent of political disaffection within the ruling caste.

    General Buhari’s core supporters may see as this as the ultimate triumph of people’s power. Nothing can be more delusional than this arrant nonsense. To push through some of the political, economic and security reforms needed to rescue Nigeria from the jaws of tragedy requires substantial elite consensus and efforts of a truly bipartisan nature. In his second coming, having seen his moral authority wane and wither in the crucible of partisan politics, much will depend on Buhari’s mastery of pragmatic politics and capacity for ruthless realpolitik.

    Let us end with a series of global paradoxes which reflects the nexus between economics and genocide and how nations can get it wrong. Despite the pogrom of the Armenians and the cosmetic modernizing bravura, the militarist state left behind by Ataturk has not delivered the best economic and political dividends in the region. That distinction goes to the United Arab Emirate and its unique blend of monarchism and modernity.

    Twenty three years after the Rwanda genocide, the country is still ruled by Tutsi elites who retained the discipline, order and cohesion to pick up the pieces after central governance disintegrated.  The authoritarian excesses notwithstanding, post-genocide Rwanda is one of the rare economic success stories of post-colonial Africa.

    As for the Germans, they finally learnt their lesson that the world does not owe them a lebensraum, or living space—having exhausted themselves and pretty much the rest of the world in the process. Despite their discipline, their thoroughness and capacity for hard work, the Germans were hardly well-served by their leading philosophers, historians and cultural figures that instilled in them notions of Aryan superiority and German Exceptionalism.

    It was a compensatory mechanism for historic backwardness, their continental neighbours and English cousins having stolen a march on them in the struggle for political and economic modernity. But once it became obvious to them that what they needed was a rapid modernization of their economic and political institutions and not aggressive land-grabbing, the Germans have never looked back. Today, Germany’s enlightened leadership is at the frontiers of global racial integration while their rivals are struggling with xenophobia and right wing retrogression.

    There is a lot to take away from this engrossing drama of national possibilities. Once a nation’s leadership has proved constitutionally incapable of making the right choices, their people are sentenced to long spells of economic, political, intellectual and spiritual miseries.

     

  • Dinner for promotion

    (The Furanization of Nigeria)

    To Abolujopon, a shanty town on the outskirts of Ebute-Manuwa, for a lively but disorderly interactive session with a group calling itself Movement Against Internal Recolonization Of Nigeria. It was on the propriety or otherwise of General Buhari hosting the Acting Chief Justice of the federation to Ramadan fastbreak.

    Like everything else, the issue of state dinner with serving justices has polarized the entire nation down the line.   When the matter broke, yours sincerely decided to add a satirical addendum, deploying Wole Soyinka’s famous early homage to stomach infrastructure titled Salutation to the Guts. But after the Supreme Court evacuated the entire Zamfara ruling class from its lofty perch sending the entire APC machinery into a tailspin, yours sincerely changed the gloss to Salutation to Supreme Guts.

    When the matter first broke, Okon had laughed it to scorn, dismissing the whole brouhaha as a mere storm in a tea cup. Snooper had thought that Okon was hinting at a historic, record-breaking tea drinking affair in London involving a notable Nigerian ruler. Up till this moment nobody is sure whether the whole thing was an early window on fake news or a masterpiece of pure mischief.

    But it turned out that water must find its own level and Okon’s imagination remained at the level of Secondary School mischief.

    “Oga, dis matter dey remind man of dem book we dey read for School Cert. Him title be Dinner for Promotion”, the mad boy scoffed.

    But Baba Lekki, the old legal contrarian, was having none of that nonsense this hazy, dewy morning at Abolujopon. He had dusted up his legal notebooks and historic records of state dinners in adverse circumstances. For his opening citation, the old codger relied on Justice Conrad IdowuTaylor’s famous recusal of himself from a state dinner on the grounds that he was about to play host to the same state in a pending suit. The old man had hardly finished when a crusty middle-aged crank, an absconded finalist at Holborn Inn, exploded.

    “The law is an ass and so is the last speaker. It is the prerogative of the state to invite anybody to dinner. Period”, the crank thundered. The thunderous applause almost brought the whole roof down.  Okon was flustered by this sharp-tongued deflation of his hero.

    Haba, yeye Railway Line lawyer. Wetin Baba come do now? I don tell una say na dinner for promotion. Dem man promote him man and he come giam better mala food. So wetin concern Orile Agege lawyer for dat?” the crazy boy screamed.

    “Okon, na poverty drive Yoruba drummer go Sabo”, one man grunted.

    “In fact, which kind food dem come chop sef? Dem mala no dey chop wuruwuru Yoruba food”, one man from Auchi demanded.

    “Na fura de nunu”, the first man answered.

    “Ha. Ha, no be dat dem Owu man dey call furanization of Nigeria?” a crazy man from a nearby mental home who had been infiltrated into the crowd by security people screamed and started attacking everybody in sight.

  • An Illustrious son of an illustrious father

    TO the ever pleasant and alluring city of Ibadan and the leafy ambience of Jericho Reservation penultimate Thursday for the eightieth birthday celebration of Professor Allen Bankole Oladunmoye Olukayode Oyediran, stellar physician, world-acclaimed authority on Tropical Medicine and worthy scion of the illustrious Oyediran clan from Offa in Kwara State.

    After the early morning rain, Ibadan wore a sombre look which added to the calm and serenity of the ancient city. As the sun crouched out of the receding clouds, this great conurbation of Yoruba people was a study in tropical magnificence. As a former denizen of the sprawling metropolis, nostalgia took over.

    But Ibadan is also a classic testimony to the fact that African people do not do modern cities. Even in the postcolonial phase of human existence, the pristine African psyche is too spontaneous and irrepressible for the rigid rigours and antiseptic orderliness of modern western cities. Not even the African postcolonial state with its aptitude for brutality and sheer repressive ferocity has been able to rein in the joyous anarchy and town planners’ nightmare.

    It is said that if a man is diligent in his field, he will walk before kings. Oyediran has walked before and among kings. Before last Thursday, yours sincerely had never met the man except for a brief telephone exchange a few years back on the state of the nation. It was at the instance of an Ife prince who happens to be an in-law of the esteemed professor of medicine.

    But in keeping with this column’s established practice of seeking out for honourable mention great and exceptional Nigerians who have contributed their quota to the development of the nation, yours sincerely had to invite himself to the eightieth birthday ceremony for Professor Oyediran. If we are ever going to recuperate the essence of Nigeria’s lost greatness, this may well be the kind of events to turn to.  In the event, it turned out to be a moveable feast of what made Nigeria so promising and exceptional as a country in the run up to independence and the early phase of independence itself.

    A brief detour on the way to All Saints Church at Jericho saw one exchanging early morning banters in the Oluyole Estate home of Barrister and Dr Mrs Akin Ige. Having been alerted of the imminent arrival of the man with a peculiar palate for provincial delicacies, husband and wife had managed to rustle the remaining moin-moin and Eko in the vicinity and beyond. The result was a mixed grill of contrasting flavours. Yours sincerely swiftly wolfed down the more vulnerable and was soon on his way to Jericho.

    How time flies, one thought as the car headed out of the compound. Twenty seven years earlier in May 1992, it was under a makeshift canopy inside the same compound that the great Cicero of Esa Oke had predicted a miserable and dismal end to military adventurism in Nigeria. It was on the occasion of Akin’s fortieth birthday celebration. The three Ige brothers—George- Akin’s father—, Ajibola and Dele— were all there to honour their beloved son and nephew.

    The conversation then had inevitably drifted to the great topic of the moment: the summary closure of African Concord magazine by the military junta of General Ibrahim Babangida over a landmark publication which had busted the fraudulent transition programme as a grand exercise in heartless chicanery.

    Snooper had anchored the incendiary outing with an opening essay famously titled The Game Is Up. One had actually titled the piece, A bridge too Far, but the intrepid and daredevil Dapo Olorunyomi changed it to make it more punchy and pungent. But not to worry. If reports from the grapevine are to be believed, it was said that an enraged MKO Abiola ordered that the oloriburuku columnist should be handed over to the police if he was heedless and footloose enough to show up anywhere near The Concord premises.

    These were the thoughts about the anonymity and ambiguities of sacrifice that preyed on one’s mind as one finally arrived at the hallowed premises of All Saints Church to honour Professor Kayode Oyediran on this cool and rainy Thursday morning. The huge crowd spilled to the adjoining streets all in honour of a man of lofty professional distinction and unimpeachable personal conduct.

    The great and the good, they came from all walks of life. It was like the last snapshot of the great Ibadan medical and academic aristocracy. But it was also a deeply religious ceremony, in keeping with the professor’s famous mantra as a man of muscular Christianity and unflinching faith. The Awolowo clan, Oyediran’s adoring in-laws, registered their full presence. In a moving tribute, one of them wrote that the professor came into Awo’s family life at a time of tragedy and dark foreboding and has been a treasured member ever since.

    After a thoughtful sermon, it was time for the anthem of Oyediran’s alma mater. Having attended the famed CMS and King’s College for his secondary school and Higher School education respectively, the professor enjoys a rare dual heritage. To have attended these two iconic institutions and pride of old Nigeria without blemish and with sterling records is no mean achievement indeed.

    It was a moving ritual of bonding and identity renewal as the very old, the old, the not so old and the young inside the church rose and filed up to sing the anthem of the two schools, CMS first and then King’s College. In a moving testimony to the power of enlightenment and education, yours sincerely was astounded when three generations of a family, grandfather, father and son, rose right in front of him as the King’s College anthem was called out.

    This was human capital at its most stellar and finest, increasing exponentially as it is passed from one generation to the other, just as it happened with the Oyediran clan and their famous diplomat and educationist father, Augustus Bamidele Oyediran. No amount of primitive violence or illiterate aggression can destroy this because it is not fixed and stationary deposit or immobile assets.

    With the church service over, the celebration moved to reception hall just further down the church. It was tributes galore as many jostled to pay tributes to a man of huge academic accomplishments and family guru. As the eldest child and having lost his mother at a very early age, the mantle of shepherd, conciliator, provider and emotional counsellor which Oyediran would wear so well in later age was forced on him by adversity.

    One recurring strand in most of the tributes is the fact that Professor Oyediran is a man who sets much store by the old values of hard work, diligence, discipline, integrity, loyalty and compassion. These values would propel him to the very pinnacle of academic career: the vice-chancellorship of the country’s premier institution.

    The College of Medicine at Ibadan has always provided valued leadership for the larger university community at critical moments of its evolution, particularly after its severance from the University of London upon Nigeria’s independence. Wading through the hefty tome of tributes to Oyediran, particularly by his former colleagues, one can understand why. The College of Medicine, Ibadan has produced enough medical titans to last the whole of Africa for a generation.

    It is a book of amazing revelations, and it shows why these avatars may not come like this anymore. Missionary ethos combined with rigorous training in some of the world’s leading medical centres to produce a visionary blend leavened by hard labour and the urge to excel. In its earlier incarnation, the college boasted of world-acclaimed authorities in their field, paradigm-changing geniuses and candidates for Nobel laureateship such as Adeoye Lambo, Kayode Oshuntokun and the iconic Julius Odeku.

    Even among this constellation of medical luminaries, Oyediran shines forth in luminous brilliance and painstaking devotion to duty. He is an aristocrat by birth and by natural inclination. Many contributors to the book of tributes, including his own children, in-laws, relations, friends and associates, spoke about his lofty carriage, his imperial composure, his debonair elegance, his generosity of spirit, his kindness and the fact that he does not suffer fools gladly.

    Looking back, it can be said that Oyediran has paid his dues and has been amply reinbursed. In a system that works, there can be no greater personal satisfaction. If there is any major take away from this inspirational story of true heroism, it is the need to subordinate personal ego and thirst for vengeance for the greater good of the profession and the larger community. This is borne out by the following vignette taken from the book of tributes.

    Sometimes in the early fifties, a medical student by the name O.O Akinkugbe applied for a federal government scholarship and was duly invited for an interview by the board. The first question by a member of the panel demanded to know why Akinkugbe was applying for a scholarship when it was a well-known fact that one of his uncles was a well-known timber merchant in Lagos.

    No further question followed. An embarrassed and flustered Akinkugbe was quietly shown the exit door. Of course, since the whole thing was stringently means tested, there was no federal scholarship for the young man. The particular member of the board who asked the fatal question was merely doing his job. He was none other than A.B Oyediran, the father of the future professor.

    A decade and a few years later in 1965, the table had turned. Dr O.O Akinkugbe, a brand new consultant at UCH, overheard a group of young House Officers discussing him with awe and trepidation as the “hottest” physician in town who did not take medical hostages. Among them was the youthful Dr Kayode Oyediran, the son of his old tormentor. The heart warmed at the prospects of sweet revenge.

    But after a few attempts at wrong footing the young doctor about the most recent editorial in The lancet, an arcane, hard to come by but authoritative medical journal, innate nobility and generosity of spirit took over. Akinkugbe relented and the two bonded very well to the greater glory of country, race and profession.

    Nigeria is driven to perdition by the inability of its political class to sacrifice their huge, untamed egos at the altar of greater national glory. Wild egos can never build any enduring monument or institutions because building requires communal efforts and self-sacrifice.

    Watching the great physician from Ondo quietly depart the reception hall last Thursday without any fuss or fanfare and with the aloof, aristocratic sangfroid of the truly well-born, one cannot be in any doubt about Nigeria’s pressing problems. Here is wishing Professor A.B.O.O Oyediran many happy returns.

  • Before his surrogate suicide, Okon writes a fake will

    AS the security situation in some parts of the country appears to take a turn for the worse, Okon has been penning what appears to be his last testament together with a will.  There has been a remarkable rise in the reported cases of fake deaths across the country. But when a national newspaper reported this, it was promptly dismissed by government officials as a lamentable and deplorable instance of fake news.

    “Oga no be wetin dem television dey call different strokes be dis one?  Gobment wey don kaput say na fake news. But people wey never kaput say dem don kaput. Fake news come jam fake facts for fake kontri”, Okon retorted with wild relish.

    Even more serious than fake death is the new phenomenon of surrogate suicide. This is how it works. The very rich who say they are unhappy about the state of the nation pay the poor to commit suicide on their behalf. You can be sure that Okon would quickly cotton in on the act. At the last count, there is a growing list of rich people who have asked him to commit suicide on their behalf.

    But for the fact that a sense of shame and public obloquy had totally disappeared from the country, no one would have expected the crazy boy to recover his ebullience and swashbuckling so soon after his last scam blew in his face. Okon had been caught in a major cemetery while pretending to be a ghost and was beaten to a pulp by irate ritualists who couldn’t care a hoot whether he was truly a living ghost or a dead apparition.  As outlandish reality begins to impinge on the threshold of actuality, the line between fantasy and factuality has given way in the country.

    “Oga make we thank God say dem yahoo boys no come scatter my brain with dem Ikorodu rock”, the mad boy groaned with his visage still contorted in searing pains.

    “So, what were you doing in the cemetery in the first place?” snooper demanded.

    “Oga, I go commit suicide for dem cemetery. Dead bodi come get twin as dem Fella man dey say.  Dem useless girl come run like dem Usain boy when dem yahoo boys come hammer Okon. But dem capture him pants”, the mad boy crowed. Squirming in embarrassment, snooper quickly drove him away.

    But the very next morning, Okon was back with what he said was his will. A quick perusal showed Okon at his most devious and incorrigible. The whole thing was filled with legal mumbo-jumbo and double-edged economic jargon which could mislead the unwary. For Okon, even ordinary will-writing was a continuation of scamming by other means.  Snooper was having none of the nonsense from the boy. There were some suspicious subheadings and one quickly pounced on them.

    “Okon, under subsection A, what do you mean by accidental discharge?” snooper demanded.

    “Oga, na children dem Lagos women say dem born for me but which I no remember”, the mad boy sniggered.

    “And what do you mean by compound interests?”

    “Ha compound interests na children my papa born for inside him papa compound before him come vamoose. Na me dem dey call papa”, Okon retorted. At this point, yours sincerely was holding back teary mirth.

    “Under section C, you mentioned some fixed deposits without amount or beneficiary”, Snooper opened warily.

    “Fixed deposit na children I think say I born myself and by Okon manpower alone. No be by wetin dem footballers they call assist. Dem assist boys boku for Campos Square. Na dem dey wire dem rich Yoruba women. Sometimes sef Okon sef dey assist and goalpost come jam goalkeeper be dat”, the mad boy drooled on endlessly. By this time, having realized that Okon’s so called will is nothing but a monumental hoax  snooper ordered the mad boy to leave.

  • Radiance of the lost Nation

    Looking back before looking forward

    This past week, amidst a backdrop of rising national tension over insecurity, violent banditry and kidnapping on an industrial scale, the much lambasted ninth National Assembly, in a rare moment of pan-Nigerian patriotism, voted across party, ethnic, regional and religious lines to approve June 12 as Democracy Day.

    With that historic amendment, the road is now clear to canonize the greatest electoral moment in the modern history of Nigeria and the canonization of its symbol as a posthumous president of the nation. As we have asserted many times in this column, history moves forward but often by lurching sideways and in a contradictory and paradoxical manner too.

    It is not as if June !2, 1993, or Abiola himself for that matter, would have provided all the answers to Nigeria’s problems. But there are moments in history when a nation rises above itself to foreshadow its own future greatness and immense possibilities. Wise nations usually warehouse such moments in their memory banks as talisman against future inclemency and as tropes of national redemption against ever present forces of disunity.

    Whether the campaign to revalidate June 12 is an act of political opportunism is now a mere academic exercise. It is not the motive that matters but the ultimate motivation. With record national approval, even those who disagree can only continue their whimpering and sulphuric sulking in the background. Who would have thought that a man widely fingered as an ethnic supremacist, a patron of herdsmen hegemony and a rabid fundamentalist would be instrumental to this national breakthrough?

    In the same man, the same leader, the same nationality, the same political elite and the same nation may cohere paradoxically primordial and progressive tendencies.  What is important is to coax the best out of everybody and every group or leave them at the mercy of history and implacable centrifugal forces. Until war is virtually inevitable, political manoeuvre must continue.

    Twenty six years after June 12, it is a sad fact that Nigeria and its political elite are once again exhibiting their worst traits. Centrifugal forces are again unleashed on the nation. Aspects of the national question that would have been resolved by the June 12 !993 election are being fought all over again with much ferocity and national anger.

    As they say, it never rains but pours. In periods of great confusion, it is always necessary to cast a retrospective glance at a past before taking a prospective look at coming configurations. The past is not always an infallible guide to the future, but is always an invaluable tool for understanding it.

    When the article that follows was written several years ago, the ACN party as it was known then was just beginning to consolidate its grip on the South West. There was no APC or a Buhari administration.  The alliance that was to usher in both was still years away. That alliance between two mutually antagonistic political blocs and its stunning success in two federal elections has meant that for the first time in the post-independence history of the nation, the Yoruba people are fully represented at the centre.

    Yet despite the success at the level of prime politics and Yoruba visibility on the national stage, there are many who believe that the Yoruba might have mortgaged their future for some short term political advantage particularly in the face of a north of the nation rapidly imploding as a result of its feudal contradictions.

    On the other hand are those who believe that the alliance offers the Yoruba a strategic respite to think through their place in the Nigerian conglomeration and in some comfort, too. They are not likely to allow themselves to be driven off their pedestal by the hysterical ranting of the electorally vanquished.

    If it comes to real war, neither side has the battalion or the battlements. The real warlords are waiting in the wings. Unfortunately as the contending arguments rip and tear through the Yoruba political firmament without respite, one can only conclude that the old Yoruba civil war is far from over.

  • Re: At Bay in Abuja

    AS usual Tatalo Alamu’s column of 12 May, 2019 in The Nation on Sunday entitled ‘At Bay in Abuja’ of May 12, 2019 was a knock out piece. May God bless him and I hereby commend the piece to the appropriate authority for digestion and action. I wish the authority could listen and do the needful. I write to support the call for the establishment of a National youth empowerment scheme and recruitment of best hands for development. It is long overdue. The Nigerian youth are restless making statements in various ways on all fronts through unconventional means and negative participation in society through armed robbery, violent militias, insurgency, arson, ballot snatching, banditry, and hijacking, internet frauds etc.  Guns abound in the country. The boys who took my car at gun point in my compound in Benin  were young  people I could beat or overcome  but as the great Zik of Africa once famously observed, only a fool argues with the man with a gun, so they went away with my car forever. When I beg them to leave me with the car that I bought it with my retirement benefit and served the youth all my life, one of them told me to tell the government to provide them with employment. That is a serious point and it makes me suspect that the car snatchers must be graduates. In addition to skills, opportunities for gainful employment, the empowerment program must make conscious effort to do value reorientation and character education of the youth with emphasis on hard work, patriotism and nationalism. But without the right people to man the posts, nothing good comes. Nigeria is a funny place without much love for country, where bitter politics dominates. The winner takes all syndrome excludes the use of the best in our national development efforts. It is a major constraint and I will advise Mr. President to heed your advice on the need  for him to adopt the Lincolnian departure approach which means searching all corners including the enemy’s compound for the best brains and most capable hands to help build the nation aright. May God bless and help Nigeria to get things right this time.

     

    • Dr John Abhuere, a former director at NYSC, lives in Abuja.
  • Progressives and the Polity

    Suddenly, it is another June 12 anniversary. The Abiola phenomenon has continued to baffle friends and foes alike. How a man who was the very bastion and symbol of right wing reactionary politics came to incarnate and redefine progressive politics in Nigeria remains a source of mystery to many. But in life nothing is ever cast in marble. The end of all struggles is the struggle to end well.

    The Abiola conundrum should throw an illuminating ray on the current political reconfiguration of the old west and its nuclear fallout.  The reports about the death of the old Yoruba civil war are grossly exaggerated. All is not quiet yet on the western front. As the emergent progressives set about consolidating their grip on the region, they must let history be their guide. They must avoid ancient banana peels and new landmines. They must disavow a tendency to gloat and a naïve and premature triumphalism. It is not the cold they must fear, but darkness, to echo Miguel Unamuno, the great Spanish writer.

    The crisis of the Nigerian post-colonial state is also a crisis of the intellectual class leading to a progressive debility of the thinking and critical faculty. This is the ultimate designer crisis, tailor made like a Savile Row bespoke suit for clinical national incapacitation. For without the intellect, there can be no illumination. And without the flash of intellectual inspiration, there is no way to think the way out of the tunnel of abysmal hopelessness.

    In this millennial darkness, all are like proverbial blind people clutching at different parts of an elephant and claiming that they have discovered the real thing. Keywords and important concepts such as “progressive”, “conservative” and “reactionary” are lost to the torpid void. Freely bandied about and loosely applied to forestall and even replace critical thinking, nobody is sure what these words mean any more. They have become catch-all slogans emptied of true meaning and essence. The damage of ignorance is only more devastating than the damage of pure mischief.

    To recover and recuperate meaning, then, is the first intellectual step towards political redemption. What does it mean to be a progressive in our current set up?  A progressive is somebody radically dissatisfied with the existing status quo that yearns for change in the direction of rationality and modernity. Now depending on individual temperament, these quests for change in the affairs of humanity may range from a desire for the radical annihilation of the current order to its progressive reformation.

    A conservative, on the other hand, is somebody who sees nothing wrong in the existing order and yearns for a perpetuation of the status quo. This is not necessarily a term of abuse. To be sure, there are many societies where there is a lot to be conserved and preserved, in which the present is a desirable building block for future human exertions. A reactionary is a jaded retrogressive person who not only approves of the status quo but longs for its even more solid revalidation in the distant past.

    But all that is solid often melts into thin air. The difficulty is that there can never be a waterproof standard for measuring ideological orientation or predicting its future trajectory. The scale often breaks down when confronted by actual reality and lived experience in all its nuanced complexities. In the same person, group, society and nation, contradictory ideological tendencies may cohere in a tense and unstable coalition. The best way to grasp ideological orientation is to grasp it dialectically, that is in process and in action.

    For example and up to a point, it was possible to support military rule in Nigeria and still be a progressive. This is because certain types of military rule are associated with rapid national integration, fast-paced economic development and the creation of a solid middle class that is crucial and critical to the democratic process. But after General Babangida and the June 12 fiasco, and in particular during General Abacha’s depredations, to support military rule and its continuation in whatever guise is to be an outright reactionary.

    In the modern Yoruba epoch, the gold standard for measuring progressive politics is and remains Obafemi Awolowo. The great man from Ikenne was not only radically dissatisfied with the ruinous and fractious plight of his Yoruba people in particular, he also came up with the visionary road map for the rapid economic and political transformation of the polity. Within a generation and in a brisk dramatic pace of five years of purposeful and transformational governance, Awolowo had led his people from the farm to the factory.

    To be sure before Awolowo, there were many progressive and even radical anti-colonial exemplars of Yoruba extraction particularly among the Lagos coastal elite. But it would seem that for these avatars, the Yoruba hinterland and the Nigerian interior were merely a hostile and alien land mass teeming with savages and unreconstructed barbarians.  They were therefore content with their coastline agitations, leaving Lord Lugard severely alone with his delusional amalgamation.

    It was to Awolowo’s credit that he seized this alien quasi-feudal land mass by the scruff of the neck dragging it screaming and howling to the temple and template of modernity. In a feat of strategic brilliance, Awolowo first tapped into Yoruba nascent cultural nationalism as a homogeneous people before leveraging this into a political nationalism. It is to this enduring political nationalism, honed on the struggle for the revalidation of the June 12 presidential mandate, that the progressive heirs of this tradition owe their current ascendancy.

    In confronting the Nigerian Question, Awolowo took a sharp lurch to the left after coming to the conclusion that the panacea for Nigeria’s political and economic backwardness and the rampart medieval feudalism in the north was rapid socialist transformation. At this point, the falcon could no longer hearken to the falconer. The form could no longer hold the new contents and the Action Group, an unstable coalition of conflicting and conflicted tendencies at best, rapidly disintegrated into its component parts. The spiral and the spin off from the crisis led to the collapse of the First republic.

    Thereafter, each successful mobilisation of the Yoruba people for the progressive cause has led to a dramatic backlash which has taken its severe toll on the standard bearers. In 1983, a crisis of succession in the UPN led to the exodus of many of its leading lights and some of Awolowo’s beloved disciples. In 1993, the nuclear fall out from the June 12 debacle led to the estrangement and excommunication of many progressive luminaries. In 2003, the internal contradictions of the AD and a lingering crisis of succession led to the martyrdom of Bola Ige and the subsequent destruction of the old Afenifere.

    The ideological instability noticeable among the Yoruba progressives is not without its tragic ironies. In 1973 at the premises of Premier Hotel Ibadan, snooper personally witnessed Tunde Agunbiade, a former Action Group stalwart and hardliner who was then the president of the Unife students union, physically rough up Olu Adegboro, the president of NUNS, for daring to make disrespectful and disparaging remarks about Awo. Ten years after in 1983, Agunbiade himself was summarily beheaded by an irate Akure mob as he began jubilation over the declaration of Akin Omoboriowo as governor.

    The current conjuncture is even more precarious. Despite the hard core of progressives, an untidy but necessary pragmatism has led to taking on board many whose ideological lineages are suspect. It is a remarkable historical irony that it is the week leading to the June 12 anniversary that we have seen the hazy outlines of the new battle front as the affronted custodians of the old progressive order found common cause with outright reactionaries, jaded kleptocrats, former progressives stranded by choice and other anti-democratic wannabes in a duel unto death with the new standard bearers of the flag mast they have abandoned. All they need is the usual help from the federal establishment.

    The new hegemons of the old west will need all the wiles and wisdom they can muster. A former progressive is often more dangerous than a constant conservative. In a startling piece of political prophecy, the authors of The Gods that Failed reached a grim conclusion. The final battle, according to them, will not be between communists and reactionaries but between communists and ex-communists. In western Nigeria the final battle will be between progressives and former progressives.

    • (First published in June 2011)

     

  • At Bay in Abuja

    This past week, killer-herdsmen who have turned kidnapping into a far more lucrative occupation than tending cows struck deep in the Yoruba ancestral heartland on the Ife-Ibadan Highway. After he was released by his abductors following the payment of a hefty ransom, the OAU professor of surgery was as clear as he was unambiguous in his ethnic categorization of his captors.

    Perhaps it has to do with the calibre of the captive and the possibility of prime human capital being wasted. The ethnic outrage and displeasure sparked by the abduction was unprecedented. For a people famous for their tolerance and capacity to absorb pain in the interest of the larger union, it was felt that the handshake had finally slipped towards the elbow. Many reasonable people are of the opinion that a section of the country has infected the rest with its social anomalies.

    If care is not taken and the grave development persists, forces and voices of moderation will be pushed aside. It is only a question of time before ethnic separatism and dissolutionist forces gain popular acceptance and hallowed respectability as noble redeemers of their people fighting for the emancipation of a besieged race. Despite the loose talk about regional majority, the intellectual validation on which the APC’s current national ascendancy rests would have been significantly eroded.

    Readers should therefore excuse the presence of certain heavy-duty words and concepts, particularly organogram, synergy and Lincolnian departures, in today’s column. They will be duly explained as the column unfolds. Suffice it to say that their very presence is an indication of the fierce urgency of the moment and an unhappy consciousness at the level of semantics.

    There can be no doubt that to even broach the possibility of survival as a short-term prospect not to talk of benevolent longevity, the Nigerian post-colonial state is in urgent need of a serious make-over; a new organogram of governance at the national and sub-national levels and a Lincolnian departure from the current reflex hostility and inflexible antipathy to well-meaning opposition so detrimental to the possibility of genuine national cohesion.

    As we observed in this column last week, it a great pity that so soon after a national election that was supposed to usher in a new era of peace, progress and prosperity for the nation, Nigeria has quickly reverted to is default setting of political acrimony, seething ethnic tension, religious intolerance and social banditry on a scale we have never witnessed before. Well before the inauguration and before our very eyes, the nation has become a roiling cauldron of political, ethnic, religious, social and regional tensions.

    Even though it will be difficult if not outright impossible to wish away the ugly reality, this would have been the moment for a wise, visionary, newly elected or re-elected government to insinuate into national memory a powerful counter narrative and snippets from a new organogram of governance away from the monarchical lethargy and supine indolence of the immediate past; a new synergy of the federal cabinet to energize and expedite service delivery; and a new national project of vertical and horizontal integration of the Nigerian people to rehabilitate the injured of the land and the Nigerian post-colonial state in all its malignant perversities.

    But rather than engage in this public relations blitz to recoup its embattled image, the government appears to have surrendered the initiative—and the narrative— to political adversity and adverse forces of national disintegration. The ruling party has so far refused to put its best foot forward, pandering to the same hegemonic hawks and divisive ethnic supremacists that almost sundered the party to its ethnic and regional particularities in its tempestuous first coming. It is as if nothing else matters as long as its core support is intact.

    The coming months will show just how naïve and ill-informed that assumption is. The international community is listening in to the unfolding tragedy in Nigeria and wondering what monster child would be its progeny. Once the ruling party is allowed to disintegrate into its ethnic and regional components, it is going to be a free fall to state failure and complete national erasure.

    Apart from the ugly nationalization of kidnapping, one can take random samples from three recent national developments in no particular order. First, it is obvious that despite the APC’s bravest efforts to impose order and cohesion on its choice of leadership of the National Assembly, there are certain centrifugal forces holding on to the party’s jugular in the National Assembly and refusing to let go of their quarry.

    Unlike the first time around when the scheming was covert and clandestine until it eventuated in a disorderly rout of federal forces, this time around with the exit of contrary forces  after rendering the government combat-ineffective for the entire duration of its first term, the gaming is open and fiercely confrontational with complicit party members as major accomplices.

    At this rate, it is obvious that the APC is unlikely to cohere into an authentic and organic national party. And this at a time when some regional hegemonists are beginning to flex muscles about some phantom majority and ethnic exceptionalism?  It doesn’t get more divisive than that.

    This past week, in a dramatic escalation of a long-running feud with the Minister of Labour and Employment, Chris Ngige, elements of the Nigerian Labour Congress decided to picket his official residence. What began as a peaceful protest in very controversial circumstances quickly degenerated into a savage public brawl between the Labour people and Ngige’s private security. Battered and brutalised by superior force, Labour retreated with a few of its members ending in hospital. The week ended with Labour issuing a fatwa for Ngige’s scalp.

    How can a dispute about federal public policy and the nomination of members to federal boards be allowed to fester for so long until it turned into a violent public confrontation? If the authorities feel that the venerable and iconic hero of the Labour movement in Nigeria, Frank Kokori, is ill-equipped and ill-qualified for the chairmanship of this particular board, why did they announce him as such in the first instance? What was Ngige’s own original input to the membership selection process of parastatals under his watch?

    Whichever way one looks at this unfortunate incident, it speaks to a complete collapse of synergy and symmetry between the presidency and federal ministries. There does not seem to be anybody in charge and there is a free descent into official anarchy and governmental chaos.

    The fact that days after this sorry drama, enacted before a national and international audience, the government has not deemed it fit to issue a statement, shows contempt for the norms of modern governance which is inconceivable and unimaginable in a functioning nation-state. This cannot be allowed to continue. It shows a fundamental lack of understanding about the way modern governments are run.

    As if all this is not enough, Nasir el-Rufai, the controversial and feisty governor of Kaduna state, having purged the state chapter of his party of all truly progressive elements, journeyed to Lagos to give fillip and momentum to a local rebellion brewing and to advertise his party’s lack of internal discipline as well as the nature of the power struggle currently raging among its principal stakeholders.

    In response to an obviously planted question, the psychologically flawed political despot from the capital named after crocodiles deliberately veered off the topic to zero in on the real casus belli that had brought him to Lagos. Even among godfathers, there are godfathers and ungodly political foundlings.

    It would have been within his democratic rights as a free citizen of Nigeria for Nasir el-Rufai to pen for a national audience one of his usual agenda-laden treatises on the bane of godfatherism in Nigerian politics, particularly as it pertains to a section of the country and its perpetual elevation of accidental nonentities to national ascendancy.

    But it is rich and hypocritical for a person who is a damning advertisement for anti-democratic godfatherism himself to obsess so frantically about godfathers in other lands. Nasir’s political hunting bag bristles and bulges with the scalps of former godfathers he has betrayed and routinely stabbed in the back. (Atiku, Obasanjo and Buhari) Only Umaru Yar’Ádua saw through his serpentine sorties and promptly banished him.

    The Katsina nobleman and die-hard democrat probably got wind of a fascist manual co-authored by El-Rufia on how to sustain democratised feudalism in Nigeria. But Obasanjo, a proud Nigerian nationalist whatever his other faults, wisely sprang the trap leaving the busybody in the lurch.  A political nobody who was unelectable until he nailed his mast with characteristic opportunism to General Buhari’s populist blitzkrieg can spare the nation his garbage about godfatherism.

    The problem with many scions and spoilt brats of the oligarchy is that they are clinically conditioned to see Nigeria in terms of a feudal peonage of permanent patronage, preferment and unmerited placement. There are also many Nigerians who seek no placement or position but who desire the good of the nation unconditionally and unfailingly. When such Nigerians combine the authority of personal suffering for the nation with their unalloyed patriotism, the placemen must take a walk.

    Having secured a second term, it is left to President Buhari to choose how he wants to be remembered by his compatriots. The speed and quality of reaction to what is an unfolding national security nightmare are less than assuring. Rather than asking Nigerians to continue to repose faith in tired and visibly exhausted military service chiefs, he ought to be seen giving a sneak preview of a new security organogram for combatting multi-purpose terrorism in the nation. A novel situation requires fresh, proactive thinking and not a jaded outreach to military barons itching to go home.

    Given the configuration of contradictions, the manifest international threats from global terrorism and the vulnerabilities of the nation as an unsettled multi-ethnic conglomeration, President Buhari represents the last chance of preventing Nigeria from descending into ungovernable barbarity.

    Faced with a similarly divided nation at a grave period in American history, good old Abe Lincoln opted for a warm embrace of his political adversaries. A major dividend was the outstandingly talented William Henry Seward who as Secretary of State bought Alaska off the hardy Russians for a mere pittance. This is what is meant by a Lincolnian departure.

    Nigeria is facing a scary national emergency and given his military background and expertise in internal security operations, many Nigerians rooted for the retired general despite his many foibles as a final fling at saving the nation from dissolving into atomistic enclaves of bloodthirsty warlords. In seeking for solutions, the president must cast his net far and wide and avoid the primordial proclivities which hobbled his first tenure.

    The coming weeks will indicate whether the retired general has taken the lessons of his experience as a civilian ruler of a troubled nation to heart. Nigerians will be on the lookout for a new security architecture for the nation, an organogram which restructures the current unwieldy and unproductive governance structure at the federal level particularly the chaotic amalgam of proliferating ministries and a new synergy which drives the implementation of federal policies.

    For starters, the president should revisit some ideas first mooted in this column on his first coming. First for an ethnically, socially and religiously polarized nation, there ought to be a national commission for the vertical and horizontal integration of Nigerians which will take a holistic and proactive look at the bitter divisions in the land and the historic and economic factors fuelling them.

    Second, in view of the demographic nightmare unfolding, there ought to be a National Youth Empowerment Scheme which reins in the errant, misdirected energy of Nigerian youth and their bitter disenchantment with the nation. We must stop tackling symptoms and go for the real ailment. Whatever President Buhari decides to do, there are grave consequences in the horizon. Nigeria is too precious a gift to the Black race to be allowed to go under just like this.

     

     

     

     

  • And a glorious snippet from British history

    While we are still on the subject of great political adversaries and their antics, it is meet to recall an episode from British history. This is the time to lament the dearth of outstanding pan-Nigerian statesmen in contemporary history. This tradition of visionary Nigerians is fast dying out like everything that is noble and uplifting about the nation.  The result is there for all to see. This is the time Nigeria needs the wise counsel of statesmen on the state of the nation and not rabid ethnic posturing from expired political gladiators.

    Benjamin Disraeli, the Earl of Beaconsfield, was not only a political genius, an exemplary statesman, a first class novelist and a dandy socialite, he was also a wit among lords and a lord among wits. Many of his contemporaries dreaded his nettling barb and verbal flourish. When Dizzy was asked to state the difference between calamity and catastrophe, he pointed at William Gladstone, his greatest political adversary.

    “ You see Gladstone? If Gladstone were to fall into a river, that would be a calamity. But if anybody were to pull him out, that would be a catastrophe”, the old codger retorted. Lights out and exeunt the great Jew of Albion. Oooops, ooops, they don’t come like that anymore anywhere in the world.