The Nation Newspaper

Category: Gbenga Omotoso

  • Let’s watch the amber lights

    Let’s watch the amber lights

    That was a show we should all be glad that many missed. Some of the few who saw it – those who can still find a way to power their television sets – may not have thought of its import. Others may just have shaken their heads and hissed in a typical show of peaceful resentment that is uniquely Nigerian.

    I speak of the award handed Dr Goodluck Jonathan at the Villa the other day. A seemingly forced smile playing on his lips, his hands stretched out in some slow, reluctant motion to receive a plaque from his loquacious Minister of Agriculture, Dr Akinwunmi Adesina, the President showed no excitement about the matter at hand. Wasn’t the Food and Agricultural Organisation (FAO) prize worth it?

    According to Adesina, the award was for Nigeria’s reduction of hunger under the Millennium Development Goals (MDGs). He told the President: “You’re feeding Nigeria and the international community recognises your efforts and leadership in feeding Nigeria. The FAO of the United Nations (UN) has just given a special recognition to Nigeria for the achievement of reducing the number of people suffering from chronic hunger and for making notable progress in guaranteeing food security for our citizens.”

    He went on: “Your Excellency, according to FAO, the number of Nigerians suffering from hunger reduced from 19.31million in 1990 and 1992 to 13.38 in 2010 to 2012.”

    Now, shouldn’t such hyperbolic obfuscations have their limits even in a country where deception is a big feature on the menu at every meal? How many homes did FAO officials visit in compiling these amazing figures? Isn’t this a clash of figures and reality? Or mere humbuggery?

    But, Adesina wasn’t done. All smiles, he said: “The prevalent of undernourishment in our country declined from 19.3 per cent in 1990/1991 to 8.5 per cent by 2010/2012. This is below the MDG target of 9.7 per cent, which was set for 2015. Therefore, Nigeria has been recognised for achieving the MDG1 for hunger two years ahead of schedule. We are proud of the achievement, Mr President, because of your passion and leadership in pushing for food security in the country.”

    Are we talking about Nigerians’culinary propensity in such superlatives? Many are struggling to fill up their stomachs and now the FAO is talking about nourishment. Bread prices have gone up several times. Forget about the superficial cassava loaf road show. Many kids have refused to stop begging for food in the North, with some governments finding excuses for this obscenity in the almajeri system. How many Nigerians eat well, the kind of meals nutritionists call balanced diet? How many eat three times daily? Beans is threatening to quit the menu list in some homes – no thanks to the Boko Haram madness that has sent farmers fleeing their trade in the Northeast.

    There is so much hunger – and anger – in the land. Such duplicitous figures, no matter how credible the organisation churning them out, will not help. They will only fuel the resentment that is pervasive in the country where factories are closing down, where many jobs have been lost and electricity to power machines and run basic appliances of comfort is not available, where some states, such as Ekiti and Oyo, have started feeding their indigent citizens.

    If the world has chosen to deceive us, must we deceive ourselves? Even our professional sycophants, servile flatterers and palace jesters are yet to see an opportunity in the award. No congratulatory advertorials on national television and in newspapers. No billboards in major cities proclaiming the rare feat. No delegations visiting the Villa. No medals for the phantom farmers who may have made this possible. This must be a rather strange award indeed.

    The poor are getting more desperate even as the rich and powerful get more ravenous in their despicable assault on the common till. The pension fraud is as alarming as the brigandage in banking before the reforms. But, does anything still shock Nigerians? What has become of the Maina matter? The Senate issued a warrant for his arrest but the police claimed that they could not find the man who had an army of police guards around him. Many pensioners – part of those whose chronic hunger has been reduced, presumably – are dying of frustration after queuing up endlessly for their due.

    A few weeks ago in Port Harcourt, road traffic officials arrested a motorist and insisted on towing his vehicle, his only source of livelihood, to their office where he would pay a fine. The poor motorist begged the officials to spare him. They refused. As they got set to tow the car away, the motorist fell under it and started shouting that he would rather be crushed than see his car towed away. Stalemate. The officials, thankfully, realised that they would not win the battle; they let go. Such is the desperation of many Nigerians, who have lost hope in the system.

    I do not have the figures but stories of people committing suicide because they have lost the battle against poverty are common in the newspapers. When hunger lashes the stomach, depression sets in and, if help fails to come, suicide seems an attractive alternative.

    The Arab Spring story is still fresh in our memory. Tarek al-Tayeb Mohammed Bouazizi was an unknown Tunisian street vendor who set himself on fire when a policewoman seized his wares on December 17, 2010. His self-immolation sparked wide protests that eventually forced then President Zine El Abdine Ben Ali to abdicate his office, which he had held for 23 years. He fled. The protests spread like wild fire in the harmattan, hitting other Arab countries.

    I remember Prof Wole Soyinka warning that no matter how much benevolent a dictatorship is, it is no alternative to the people’s right to choose and freedom of expression. The Nobel laureate was delivering the African Development Bank’s Eminent Speaker’s Lecture in Tunis. That was in October 2010. The riots broke out in January 2011. How prescient.

    The other day in Lagos, a friend of mine watched as a council official grabbed a motorcyclist and snatched him off his bike. He accused the commercial motorcyclist of plying an unauthorised route. He insisted on taking the okada away, but the motorcyclist was begging frantically for mercy. The mean council official called for reinforcement. Two others stormed the scene. They overpowered the motorcyclist and took away his bike. Frustrated, the poor man sprang up and flung himself on the ground, crying, kicking and screaming. His bike – most likely his only source of income – was gone. Gone for good.

    Who would have thought that soccer would ever be a source of acrimony in Brazil? The carnival, the samba and the scantily kitted belles swinging their waists. For ages, soccer created a veneer of Eldorado for Brazilians. Everyday was like Christmas. Now, there is a popular revolt against the god of soccer – to the consternation of the world. Crowds have gathered for about two weeks, railing against the system, their protest sparked by a bus fare hike. Coincidentally, the Confederations Cup – a dress rehearsal for the 2014 World Cup – is on. Now, the people are saying enough of soccer stadia; give us jobs, food and better education.

    In Turkey, the government’s seemingly innocuous plan to redesign a park in the beautiful city of Istanbul has caused a nationwide protest. The protesters complained of lack of consultations. The government replied with an iron fist, unleashing the full might of the police on them. Now, the action has engulfed most of the major cities. The government has apologised, but the fire rages on as the protesters demand more freedom of speech, right to assembly and resignation of the Erdogan government.

    It is as clear as a sunny day that the park matter was only a springboard to launch a massive attack on a system that many consider not good enough. The anger had been there for long, even in a country where the economy is doing fine. The global economic downturn did not hurt Turkey; trade is growing and the prospects of joining the European Union (EU) looked great – until the protests.

    Tunisia, Turkey and Brazil are a few exhibitions of the limits of human patience and ability to endure pains, physical and psychological pains inflicted by the very people who swore to make life easy for the ordinary man by implementing policies that promote justice and better living conditions for all.

    The government is overwhelmed by domestic problems –some of them self-inflicted. Boko Haram continues to ravage some parts of the North, despite the state of emergency. Armed robbers and their cousins, the kidnappers, are on the rampage – the ill-equipped and poorly motivated police are fighting with their bare hands even as the Federal Government would brood no idea of a state police – and diseases are killing many who would have survived in better places.

    Amid the rot, the government is embroiled in running battles over 2015 . Like a novice, it mixes politics with governance. The ruling Peoples Democratic Party(PDP) is like a demonic mother hen killing its own chicks. Rivers. Adamawa. Sokoto. And others.

    Caution. Caution. The amber lights are on. Will the government notice this?

  • Five jobs I won’t take

    Five jobs I won’t take

    THE President’s job is no easy task.

    There must be times Dr Goodluck Jonathan will wake up in the morning, frown his boyish face, scratch his greying head of hair and murmur: “Isn’t there an easier way of earning a living?”

    He came into the office with tremendous goodwill. When the late President Umar Yar’Adua was gravely ill, Jonathan would just have stepped into the office of president, but a conclave of power mongers ensured that he had a tough time. They smuggled in the ailing president in the dead of the night and began to issue strange bulletins on his health. A massive protest to ensure that the right thing was done was launched. Jonathan became acting president. When Yar’Adua passed on, Jonathan mounted the saddle.

    In no time, the reality of the situation was laid bare. First, Niger Delta militants expanded their field of operation to Abuja, disrupting the Independence anniversary celebration with bombings in the heart of the city. Jonathan was damn too sure the militants were not responsible for the morbid job and he so announced. No investigations; no consultations.

    Enter Boko Haram. The ghoulish activities of this fundamentalist sect is well painted on the wide canvass of blood that is spread across the Northeast, with some strokes in Abuja, Kano, Kaduna and some other parts of the North. Boko Haram, which means western education is a sin, has ensured that schools and churches remain closed in many areas as it pursues its wild dream of Islamising Nigeria. Many homes have been destroyed. Businesses have been shattered and life has become a game of chance.

    To Boko, add the other harams, such as armed robbery, kidnapping for ransom, primitive ritual killings for money, cultism and political assassinations. Spice them up with the massive pension fund scam, the collapse of infrastructure and the inability to draw a line between politics and governance, which continues to raise tension, overheating the polity. What do you have? A mess. A cocktail of problems.

    There seems to be a feeling of despondency in the land. The Jonathan presidency is buffeted by bitter criticisms of its activities as it continues to fumble and wobble, smoking and clanking like an old locomotive. Now, some of the critics, who insist that this administration has no clue to any of our numerous ailments, are saying that we never really knew Jonathan, the former teacher who became a deputy governor, governor and president – all by default. Legendary luck, some say. He himself told of his early days in the creeks of Otuoke, the hitherto unknown town that has suddenly found itself propelled high into the sky, most likely beyond the dream of its progenitors, how he had to struggle through it all, walking barefoot to school. The slogan now is: Never trust with power a man who wore no shoes to school.

    On May 7 in Nasarawa, a team of security agents, including 46 policemen and 10 Department of State Security (DSS) men, were killed in an ambush. They were said to have been on their way to arrest the spiritual head of a group, Ombatse, Baba Lakyo, who looks like any other old man having a nice time in a quiet village. Baba Lakyo said he was told that Governor Tanko Al-Makura ordered the security agents to bring his head. He was, according to him, away in a nearby village when he heard that Lakyo had been invaded, adding that his god killed the invaders who he claimed were drunk.

    How will Inspector-General of Police Mohammed Abubakar resolve the mystery of losing so many men in one operation? How many did the other side lose – assuming that the unlucky security agents fought against human beings and not Baba Lakyo’s god, as he claimed – in the battle? Was there no exchange of fire? When will Nigerians know what actually went wrong with that doomed mission? Abubakar has been railing that the killers of his men would face justice. When? How? Have they been found?

    Before the Nasarawa incident, 12 policemen had been killed in Bayelsa State. Boko Haram makes the task of seizing police stations and setting them on fire such an easy venture, like kids playing in the rain. It smashes prisons at will, setting inmates free to join its army.

    With all this, who would like to be an IG?

    These days, governors are the subject of all manner of jokes after the election of the Nigerian Governors’ Forum (NGF), which has raised fears about the feasibility of a free and fair election in 2015. There is this newspaper cartoon in which a dad asks his little boy: “Son, which is greater, 16 or 19?” The son replies: “Dad, I’m not sure.” “Why?” “I saw our governor on television, shouting that 16 is higher than 19.” The dad says: “Don’t mind him. Follow your teacher, 19 is greater than 16. You know the governor is a politician.”

    In the embarrassing election, of the 35 governors who voted, 19 were for the incumbent chairman, Rivers State Governor Rotimi Amaechi and 16 for Plateau State Governor Jonah Jang. But, instead of conceding defeat and embracing Amaechi in the true spirit of sportsmanship, the Jang faction, apparently emboldened by the Villa, rejected the result and declared its candidate winner. It carried on with the joke as if it had won an Olympic gold medal, showing off its dubious prize at the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) secretariat and the Villa. It then went on to open a secretariat. Amazing. Amusing.

    Then the video of the election hit the internet. One local television station also beamed it.

    How does it feel to be a governor on the other side that is widely seen to be a bad loser?

    For a governor, it is not enough to perform well on the job and be hailed by the people. If you stand on principle and justice, the Villa may come after you, turn your friends against you and seek to embarrass you in whichever way it deems fit, no matter how contemptible. A plane that has flown you for long may just be discovered to have no valid documents or the pilot has not filed a manifest and, suddenly, you are grounded. Or you may just wake up to find that some oil wells –if yours is an oil producing state – belonging to your state have been ceded to another. Or you may just find that the party structure has, with little legal gymnastics, been snatched off your hands and you have all manner of allegations hurled at you. Among such allegations are those that are so nauseating, such as being disrespectful to the president, and nebulous as well as ridiculous, such as insubordination. Then, you get suspended from your party.

    I admire the eloquence of Minister of Special Duties Kabiru Taminu Turaki, chairman of the Presidential Committee on Dialogue and Peaceful Resolution of Security Challenges in the North. He and other members of the committee have been going about the assignment with great enthusiasm, believing that when the guns stop to boom, the gladiators will surely come to the table for talks. In him you see a rare passion for a mission. But imagine the minister and our own Prof Bolaji Akinyemi, red bow tie and all, sitting across the table with Abubakar Shekau – massive, black beard and dashing eyes – an AK- 47 rifle slung on his shoulder. What language will they speak? Arabic? Hausa? English?

    A few days after the committee hit the road, the government unleashed a state of emergency on three states – Borno, Yobe and Adamawa. The full might of the military has been brought on the insurgents. Is this to soften up Boko Haram before the eventual dialogue? Where will the Turaki Committee find Shekau – he has a $7m bounty on his head – to talk to?

    When the government talks about cracking the power problem nowadays, Nigerians laugh. Today, there is a plan to hit 10,000 MW by December; tomorrow, the 3,000 or so MW we are sharing crashes and there is outage. Many thought with Barth Nnaji, the professor of Computer Integrated Manufacturing and Robotics at the helm, we were going to get it right. Then he was forced to quit a job he did with so much zest. Now, many are asking: Who is the Minister of Power?

    It’s too late for me to be a policeman; I’m above the age qualification for the Police College. I can’t be Power minister; it is not in my line of trade or my training. I don’t want to be a governor – the intrigues, sycophancy, cowardice and lies. Do I want to be president? No. I don’t want to be told that because I had no shoes in school I have developed a great passion for shoes, not just to beautify my feet but to kick my critics in the groin. No.

  • When governors go gaga

    When governors go gaga

    THEY were in an unusually foul mood. Puffy faces. Red eyes. Lips firmly wedged together in a desperate bid to block the anger threatening to tear through their stomachs and the dam of tears battling to burst through their eyes.

    Why would governors be in such a mournful mood, like kids whose lollipops have been snatched by a discourteous elder? One of them was facing a battery of reporters, blubbing, blabbing and swearing that their man had been rigged out of the Governors’ Forum election. The others surrounded him. They were like an overrated school soccer team that had just lost a crucial match, lining up behind their captain to get some whacking from a distraught headmaster. Humbled. Hobbled. Humiliated. The governors were outfoxed by their own foxy indiscretion in a simple exercise that required the spirit of sportsmanship and not a do-or-die affair as advocated by their elders.

    For this set of governors, it was indeed a time to mourn. But they were not short of ideas. They suborned Plateau State Governor Jonah Jang, a honourable man, to humbug the public by insisting that he won the election in which the incumbent, Rivers State Governor Rotimi Amaechi, carried the day.

    The script was clear. There was to be no election to prevent Amaechi from retaining the seat. But Akwa Ibom Governor Godswill Akpabio, another honourable man, the engine room of the massive anti-Amaechi scheme that turned awry, in his stark naivety, assured the Presidency that all would be well. He was armed with a list of 19 governors whom he said had voted for Jang – sorry, His Excellency Jang. It turned out that the list had been compiled in April when governors were summoned to the Villa to extract from them a commitment to back the President’s candidate. Now, there are claims of forgery to which Akpabio and his gang are yet to reply. A governor who was absent was said to have been part of the process. How? Even if indeed 19 had put pen to that paper, was it in anyway an indication of how they voted?

    Like flood victims desperate to salvage their belongings, the losers, with bold faces, presented Jang to the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) leadership as the chair of the Governors’ Forum, the winner of the much coveted prize. If you thought the comical road show would tail off, you were wrong, damn wrong. Jang returned home to Jos with his questionable prize, waving excitedly to a small crowd of people who had come to welcome him. He spoke of a national assignment – to use the Governors’ Forum for the benefit of all, and stormed a church to thank God, with the congregation singing high praises for what He had done. Merciful God!

    Shouldn’t comedy have its limits and limitations even in a country that has been a long running theatre of the bizarre, where reality is often blurred by the inanities of its leaders? Anyway, not so here. The Amaechi camp warned the “dissenters” to take it easy or face the ignominy of having the election shown on television. Apparently hooked on their mission to self-destruct, they kept fuelling the charade.

    And there it was on Tuesday, the counting of the ballots and the announcement of the winner, Amaechi, right on television. It was exciting. Ekiti State Governor Kayode Fayemi had hinted of the contents of the video, saying Delta State Governor Emmanuel Uduaghan – please, feel free to add the prefix His Excellency – was the Returning Officer. Uduaghan, a doctor and a honourable man, denied that he played such a lowly role. It turned out – thanks to the revealing video – that His Excellency was right. He was no Returning Officer. He was the Supervisory Officer. Or better still, the Presiding Officer. His Excellency stood by the Returning Officer, Asissama Okauru, while the counting and sorting of ballots were on. When it was all over, he walked away dejectedly. Poor guy.

    Ondo State Governor Segun Mimiko – sorry, I keep forgetting the prefix, His Excellency; you may wish to put it before the name too – and Jang’s running mate let us all into the world of governors running a 36-man election. He said the tension was so high that only providence averted a fisticuff. Oh no; c’mon gents; that’s not good enough; you should have gone all the way. Isn’t it all part of the system? Ever seen a Nigerian election without blood, blows and bullets? Aren’t they the badges of a great election, which you all proudly wear?

    That was a great disservice to Nollywood. Imagine an Akpabio – bulgy tummy, cheeks and all – facing an athletic Ogbeni Rauf Aregbesola, a physical exercise freak, in a no-holds-barred session, with all the other Excellencies by the ring side. Imagine. That would have been an instant box office hit, premiered on Democracy Day. I was told that Akpabio objected to Aregbesola filming the show, but the Osun governor, as inventive as ever, told Akpabio to stay off his camera and found a way of bringing what has been a huge success on YouTube and the local television stations.

    The Presidency, apparently seeing that it had backed a misbegotten mission, washed its hands of it, saying President Goodluck Jonathan had no interest whatsoever in the matter. Haba! They can say that a million times, but who will believe them? Who?

    Now when governors pray at their meetings, will they find it easy closing their eyes and not feeling that somebody will draw a dagger?

    The Villa made no pretence about its objection to Amaechi’s vision for the forum. He insisted on true federalism and fiscal responsibility as well as strict adherence to the rule of law – a much abused concept on which this administration anchored its image, but which has become an irritant sloganeering – and became a thorn in the flesh. He was persecuted. His state’s aircraft has been grounded on questionable excuses. Some Rivers oil wells have gone to Bayelsa on grounds that are still being contested. The PDP leadership in the state has been changed in rancorous circumstances. The House of Assembly has suspended a local government’s officials for alleged fraud, but the PDP has blamed the action on Amaechi. He has been suspended. Is he the Assembly?

    It is all part of the growing fratricidal war in the PDP in the run-up to the 2015 election. The self-acclaimed biggest party in Africa is obviously jittery that many of its leading lights may have seen the light and would not want to be on the wrong side of history. So, they are jumping ship to the fledgling All Progressives Congress (APC).

    For the PDP, the cycle seems to be closing. Most of the 36 governors belong to the party. They have just shown the world how they have been winning elections, but even the best of magicians, tricksters and pranksters know that no show can last forever. The PDP, by overheating the polity and confusing governance with politics in a country that is so desirous of great leadership, is writing its own obituary.

    Nigeria, a country that seems to be perpetually at war – Boko Haram, corruption, hunger, disease and decaying infrastructure, among other ailments – deserves a better leadership, considering its situation.

    Many have questioned the rationale behind the formation of a Governors’ Forum. They say it has no constitutional backing and nobody should lose sleep over its leadership. In official circles, it has been derided as a mere trade union, like the National Union of Road Transport Workers (NURTW). Whichever way we look at it, the crisis has elevated it to a big prize, a smashing beauty desperately desired by the Presidency, yet so far from its long reach.

    To some, it is all part of the huge joke that our leaders are turning Nigeria into. Consider this sent to me by a friend: “New movie premiere. How three PDP governors ‘ported’ Akpabio. Now showing at Nigeria Governors’ Forum. Action-packed. Don’t miss it. Tickets free, courtesy of Aso Wreck Inc.”

    I do not believe the governors should apologise for causing so much embarrassment to us all. Where is our sense of humour? After all, was it not all in the spirit of Children’s Day?

     

     

     

     

  • Thoughts on emergency rule

    Thoughts on emergency rule

    WHEN  President Goodluck Jonathan declared a state of emergency in beleaguered Borno, Yobe and Adamawa states on Tuesday, the news did not shock many. There had been speculations that a drastic measure to rein in insurgents was in the offing.

    Dr Jonathan was fuming and frowning. The whole place was shaking under the unusual presidential anger. Gone were the broad smiles that usually brightened his boyish face to exhibit that innocent pastoral mien, the gesticulations of an artiste, the clumsy platitudes and the biblical allusions. No niceties.

    The presidential proclamation was the climax of days of unprecedented violence against security agents. In one day last week, scores – 56 in Nasarawa and 38 in Bama, Borno State – were killed. Many innocent citizens bearing no arms have also been killed. Schools, homes and many government facilities have been razed. Anarchy has been at the door in many parts of the Northeast.

    Truck-loads of security agents were on their way to Alakyo, Nasarawa State, on a mission to arrest the leader of a hitherto unknown cult group, Ombatse, that had become a big pain in the neck for residents, forcing people to pledge allegiance to its chief, Baba Alakyo. The security agents moved after a tip-off. The cultists, apparently after a tip-off, mounted an ambush for the invaders. The security men came under massive fire. They could barely reply. Apparently, they were unprepared for such a bloody resistance. Two key bolts went missing in the machine – the enemy was underestimated and the surprise element was lost. The security agents paid dearly for these mistakes.

    It was a moving sight these past few days. Enraged wives, decked in the police uniforms of their husbands who went on the disastrous mission, protesting and demanding the bodies of their loved ones. One lapped a baby, weeping, surrounded by her friends and relatives consoling her. Their kids have been talking about broken dreams and shattered lives. Oh dear! I do not remember anywhere in our recent history where security agents have been so massacred, not even in the Niger Delta at the height of the militancy. What happened? How equipped were the security agents for that mission of no return? Who was the mole that gave the cultists the vital information about their movement?

    Not all the bodies of the security agents have been recovered – one week after the failed operation. Are the cultists holding the bodies? Why is their leader yet to be arrested? Now that the security agencies know that it will require a military operation to subdue the cultists, what next?

    Since the proclamation of the emergency rule in those states, there have been many reactions. The resort to emergency rule is understandable. Desperation. It is like the case of a man who unknowingly touches a piece of iron that is red hot. He will dip his hand anywhere, including a gutter – in sheer desperation to restore the distressed hand. The government shouldn’t have allowed itself to be boxed into this dark corner.

    But, there are many questions arising from this major development. Is this the most creative way of resolving this matter? If the government knew that emergency rule was the way to go, why did it wait for this long, until the body bags started coming in hundreds? What will be the fate of the Presidential Committee on Dialogue and Security Challenges in the North, the one that claimed to have met the Madalla bomb suspect, Kabiru Sokoto – he denied ever seeing the committee – ? Will it continue its road show, despite this and the rejection of peace proposals by Boko Haram? Where are those blokes who called a press conference the other day in Maiduguri, renouncing violence and vowing to pursue a ceasefire? Can there be peace talks in an emergency?

    The President spoke of “those who are directly or indirectly encouraging any form of rebellion against the Nigerian state, and their collaborators; those insurgents and terrorists who take delight in killing our security operatives, whoever they may be… we will hunt them down … and we will bring them to justice.”

    Some obfuscation there. Do we know the collaborators, the faces behind the masks? If Boko Haram leader Abubakar Shekau and his lieutenants are hard to seize, are their sponsors also ghosts? Where are their weapons coming from? Can’t the government lean on Nigeria’s big weight to compel our neighbours to stop Boko Haram from planning and launching attacks from their countries? The Bama attacks could not have been planned in Borno, considering its massiveness. How far has the Mali expedition helped in weakening the al-Qaeda backed insurgents? Isn’t this more of a technical-cum-intelligence war and not a game of mere brawn and weaponry?

    The troops have been accused of extra-judicial killings. Now that they have got the licence to search homes, arrest and detain suspects, among other powers, will they be responsible in using these powers? I doubt it. Will this seeming hammer blow against the insurgents rein them in? For an enduring solution, the extra-judicial killings should stop; it can never help. The troops should find a way of ingratiating themselves with the locals so as to be able to separate the insurgents from the innocent folks who can give them information on how to track down the trouble makers.

    There are those who believe that the compelling factor is politics, politics of 2015. Of the three troubled states, two are in the opposition. Adamawa belongs to the ruling Peoples Democratic Party (PDP). The party’s power brokers and some hawks in the Presidency, it was learnt, insisted on full emergency rule –collapse of the democratic structure. Thankfully, they did not have their way. How will the military chiefs relate with the governors? Who takes orders from who? Will the Assembly be making laws in a vacuum? Soon –mark my words – soon, the real motive for this action will emerge. The game players, the sincere guys and the jokers will all be exposed.

    The government may need to be reminded of how this ogre was let loose on the land. Mohammed Yusuf was a young man preaching against western education. He and his followers were merely exercising their freedom of association and expression. In fact, many saw them as no threat to peace. Then politicians found a window of opportunity in the group. They moved in. The authorities, apparently sensing some dangerous deviation, tried to stop the group. Yusuf was arrested by soldiers who handed him over to the police. The police, for some inexplicable reasons, killed Yusuf. Then, members of the sect became violent, attacking police stations, prisons and other government facilities.

    Boko Haram has since stopped making so much fuss about its original goal of imposing sharia. Now, it is demanding the release of its members, their wives and children, who are in detention. On Monday, Shekau made a video appearance in which he claimed that women and children were being held captive by the sect, adding that they would not be released until their members in custody are let off.

    No matter how the matter goes, it will be at a huge cost. The immediate solution may come from bombs and bullets. The enduring solution will come from a massive reorientation of our people, justice for all, separation of governance from politics and non pursuit of power not as a means to an end – the wellbeing of all – but as an end in itself – for self aggrandisement.

    The government should not delude itself by thinking that those three are the only states that are ill. Kidnappers are yet to take a break in the Southeast. Armed robbers are at work, killing and maiming, in many states. When will they get attention?

    By the way, what happened to the emergency on power, the very one the President and his predecessor, the late Umaru Yar’Adua, declared at the beginning of their tenure, the one that is supposed to give us 6,000 megawatts and pave the way for a 24-hour electricity supply? Is it still on?

     

     

     

  • The Saka sensation

    The Saka sensation

    FORGET the lyrics. They were not meant to inspire. Don’t mind the boisterous choreography; it is not meant to be the main attraction. Concentrate on the message and its delivery – short, sharp and arresting.

    A man backs the camera, a ray of green light comes up behind him and, suddenly, the man faces you, amid a flood of yellow light. He begins to fling his hands and shuffles his feet, singing and screaming: “I don port o! I don port o! I don port o!”

    The message is simple and clear. He says he has – thanks to the new number portability – moved from one mobile service provider to another. That simple message – and its purveyor – has been the subject of a massive debate in social, business and intellectual circles. Everything has been thrown into the fray. Expediency. Professionalism. Expertise. And more.

    Was Saka wrong to have dumped Etisalat? How are the marketing experts at Etisalat feeling now? Should Saka have gone the way he did, telling the world that his marriage – was there any? Experts insist there was none – to that network was over? Why the divorce? Cash? What mileage for MTN?

    Nigerian comedians have come a long way. Consider Moses Olaiya Adejumo (aka Baba Sala) with his plywood bow tie, oversized sun glasses and expansive trousers. The colonial master’s hat, the table clock strapped onto his wrist and the ubiquitous umbrella in his hands. He made everybody laugh and laugh until our eyes turned red with tears. Baba Sala gave comedy his all – his youthful days, intellect and energy – and lost it all in the course of pursuing this all-consuming passion. He invested all he had in a movie, which got pirated. He lost all, ending up in penury.

    Today’s comedians are in a new world. No funny costumes and faces daubed with some black powder. They are decked out in sharp Oxford Street suits. Ali Baba. Holy Mallam. Tee A. AY. Basket Mouth. Julius “the genius” Agwu. Teju Babyface. The witty and immensely talented Gbenga Adeboye of blessed memory.

    There are also Sunday Omobolanle (aka Papiluwe), master of repartee, rambunctious Babatunde Omidina (aka Baba Suwe), the one who got the drug agency issuing bulletins every time he moved his bowel after being wrongly held for peddling drugs, and Bolaji Amusan (aka Mr Latin) and his friend Yomi King (aka Opebe) who insists on being an auto mechanic despite his bad hand. Nkem “Osofia” Owoh, Gringory and Chuka Okpala (Zebrudayya). And many more.

    Of them all, none has recently sparked a huge debate like Hafiz Oyetoro, popularly known as Saka, the face of the MTN mobile number portability campaign. The contentious issues are as intellectual as they are moral. Saka was the lead act in an Etisalat campaign. Then the Nigerian Communications Commission (NCC) introduced number portability – another controversy on its own – and the networks mounted a huge marketing drive to keep their subscribers and/or get more.

    The handlers of the Etisalat advertisement have said that when they were working on the script, they were looking for a character. Saka walked in for the auditioning and he was found to be fit for the role. In the MTN campaign, it is a different matter. A celebrity was needed; an easily recognisable face. Saka fitted the bill, having been a well known face on television.

    The rumour in town is that MTN paid Saka in millions. Etisalat, said those who claim to know, paid in thousands. Saka simply showed that there is a difference between a comedian and his jokes. Jokes apart, a comedian is no joker when it comes to cash. The cash was right and Saka “ported”. Isn’t there a Saka in all of us?

    Nobody should begrudge Saka his success. He has worked hard for it. A man who studied and teaches Theatre Arts, he never looked for a banking job, like many of today’s graduates. He simply practised what he learnt. He is excited doing his job.

    Now, many other professionals are envious of Saka. When will doctors begin to earn millions –and some respect from nurses who claim that they are on a par with them? Will policemen ever be well paid for their exertions? Will teachers get their due? Will reporters ever get a good – and prompt – pay?

    The world of comedians is a strange one. They work hard to keep us all laughing. And how hard it is to make people laugh in Nigeria, a country that is, ironically, blessed with frontline comedians, even in high places. Former President Olusegun Obasanjo, writing a foreward to Ali Baba’s book, wondered why the comedian would malign people who pay him to entertain them. To him, Ali Baba is an example that democracy is working.

    The former President recalled a meeting with Zimbabwean Robert Mugabe, who complained that a Nigerian said when he (Mugabe) was asked by the BBC what the damage was after a fire at the electoral commission’s office, he replied by saying “ apart from the structural damage, the only thing that was lost was the result of next year’s election”. Obasanjo said he assured Mugabe that the man, whom he was sure must be Ali Baba, meant no harm.

    An Egyptian television satirist, Bassen Youssef , was recently charged to court for insulting President Mursi. The United States issued a statement, saying it was worried about “disturbing trend of growing restrictions on freedom of expression”. Can we then say Obasanjo is tolerant? I dey laugh o!

    How do you make people laugh in a country where many go to bed without food, where youths pound the streets looking for jobs that are not there, where insurgents have seized some parts of the country by the throat, where leaders do not serve but only expect to be served and where armed robbers waste lives daily.

    American comedians and their European counterparts are lucky; they do not need to work too hard. It is easier to make people laugh in such climes where hunger and disease have been conquered, the moon is within reach and life expectancy is high. Electricity, water and good roads are taken for granted. Why won’t they laugh?

    Where is the inspiration for jokes in a country where fraud has become a way of life? Billions of pension funds are gone for good, stolen by criminals in official circles who are backed by men in the corridors of power. The President has said the corruption stories are exaggerated. Is that to be taken as a joke? A presidential joke? A gaffe?

    For Nigerians, the inspiration for jokes could come from overseas and any subject, including soccer. Consider this that a friend sent to me by telephone:

    “Crusade!Crusade!!Crusade!!

    “Dortmund Christian Ministry, in conjunction with Bayern Church of God, invites you to a two-day power packed crusade tagged “Destroying all Spanish Giants &Goliath (Part 2) Featuring: Breaking of curses (EL Classico); Freedom from powers Platini); .Humiliation of pride (Jose Mourinho);.Overpowering principalities (Lionel Messi); Achieving your destiny and reaching your goals (Wembley).

    “Host Pastor: Rev. Robert Lewandowski.

    Ministering; Pastor and Elder Arjen Robben, Apostle Thomas Mueller, Pastor Marco Reus& other anointed men of soccer.

    Ushers; Bro Messi and Bro Ronaldo.

    Come for a power packed display as all giants will be knocked out of your life forever.

    “Come one, come all!”

    Do ritual killers and armed robbers enjoy jokes? Have Boko Haram leaders ever found an occasion for laughter? Do kidnappers, who snatch kids, women and nonagenarians, ever share jokes? If they do, how do they laugh? Loud and clear? Guffaw? Or they just cackle like demented birds? Or with a gruff, like a hemp smoking motor park tout?

    A comedian’s life is a study in complexity? How does he create jokes? Doesn’t he have family problems that could take his minds off those rib crackers? In other words, how does he fall into the right mood to deliver those lines that keep the audience reeling and rolling? How?

    Just how many Nigerians, dazed by the vicissitudes of life in an Orwellian setting like ours – poverty, disease, hunger, insecurity, illiteracy and all such headache – still find that inner sensation that triggers laughter.

    How we all wished we could laugh always, considering laughter’s benefits as a stress reducer and a kind of anti-depression therapy? Is the atmosphere – the looting and killings – conducive to laughter? In other words, dear reader, be honest, when last did you laugh?

     

     

     

  • A battle plan for 2015

    A battle plan for 2015

    Politics is in the air.

    Despite its resolve to address some topical issues – the Baga bloodshed, kidnapping of prominent citizens (for cash) and ordinary people (for rituals), armed robbery, unemployment and corruption as well as other ills that ail the nation – Editorial Notebook succumbs today to the pressure of politics. Why?

    There is a flood of inquiries on how to run and win the 2015 race. In particular, a fellow, who claims to be a close pal of a man who is an uncle to an aide of the Oga at the very top (pardon the colloquialism), has asked me to design a strategy that will guarantee the big man his party’s ticket and victory at the subsequent election. This, says the fellow, who pleaded that his identity should be shielded because of what he called the security implication of the matter, will end the incumbent’s hem and haw, giving him the confidence to proclaim his political future. Here is the handbook for electoral victory, which was compiled after a 12-month rigorous research. It is guaranteed to work.

    The first point is for you to admit that an election is a war. Tell your party chairman to mount a road show, highlighting this and rallying supporters. People will accuse you of beating the drums of war. Never mind. Isn’t that the reality? What else do you call a contest of daggers, axes, cutlasses, bullets and bombs?

    Remember, it is not enough to defeat the opponent; he must be crushed. Your statesmanship and magnanimity end when you have allowed others to run. That is democracy. Running, for you, is winning. Others can simply run.

    Many will grumble and accuse you of using state machinery to rig the election. They will threaten to go to court. Do not panic. It is normal here. It is their right, especially in these rule of law days. Ever seen an incumbent of your stature being asked to quit? Never.

    Keep shouting that you are yet to take a stand on your political future amid speculations that you are getting set to run. There will be posters of yours, smiling excitedly and waving like royalty, in some major cities; tell the world that you know nothing about them. They may not believe you, but that doesn’t matter. How many of our leaders do we believe? Warn that those behind the posters should stop their shenanigans and that you will brood no distraction because the execution of the present mandate is your priority.

    A few busybodies will even go to court to demand a pronouncement on your eligibility. Relax. These are party people goaded on by your genuine admirers who are trying to ensure that no legal obstacle is allowed on your path. Besides, should you care about such distractions?

    There will be so much noise in town about corruption. Many will shout that the menace has an official stamp and that the anti-graft agencies have fallen off. That is their opinion. Yours is clear: corruption is being fought as never before. In fact, you will say, when there are such protests, it is corruption that is fighting back.

    They, the uninformed critics that is, will cite some unproven cases, such as the one that fetched a civil servant a bench warrant the police chief had perfected a grand strategy to execute before a court of competent jurisdiction stepped in to stop the show. That official, who got away with a slap on the wrist after admitting to stealing billions of naira in pension cash, will also be cited. Fair enough. But the pertinent question is: Are you the judiciary? When will people learn to place their complaints in the right box? Why didn’t those crying now stop the thieves? Do not be distracted. Keep your eyes and mind on the goal.

    Look around for people who can drive your ambition. Unleash a flood of contracts. Roads. Canal dredging. Pipeline protection for ex-militants and loquacious ethnic militia chiefs. Some elderly critics, without any research whatsoever, will deride your action as mere chop chop. The euphemism is clear but it is not your business to reply to such distractions. Your goal is as clear as day. Develop a pertinacious resistance to such irritants.

    It is true that the electricity problem has assumed an emergency height, with artisans snoring away their days because they have nothing to power their machines. Factories spend a fortune on diesel to run their generators. Manufacturing is losing its attraction, unable to contribute to your genuine intention to create jobs for our teeming youths. Your opponents will latch on to these to lash you. Reporters will badger you about such problems. Do not fret. After all, all these were there before you came into office. No president or governor or council chief or traditional ruler or family head can solve all the problems in one term or in one fell swoop.

    Keep reminding the public – the listening public that is – that before the end of the year, there will be a surge in power generation to no less than 10,000 megawatts. The insincere ones will say: “All we’re saying is, give us light; we are tired of hearing about megawatts.” Ignorance. Anyway, you need to forge ahead. Such distractions are the hallmarks of a vibrant democracy, such as ours; the salt that enriches the system.

    There may be some uprising in some states. Boko Haram . Criminals posing as ex-militants. Kidnappers. Oil thieves. And so on. Plead with them to stop. Urge them to pull off their masks and show up for dialogue because yours is an administration that listens. There will be so much criticism of your style. Employ a carrot-and-stick approach, some will say. Others will counsel you to be decisive, send in the military and smash the insurgents.

    Be careful. You have a lot at stake. Should you decide to send in soldiers, know that they will raze the place. Children and women will die. Homes will be on fire. Bloodshed. The world will cry genocide. Do not panic. Tell the military to go in there and investigate. You will discover that the casualty figure has been ballooned. Stay firm. Remember, all that matters is your goal.

    In some states, there may be some suspicion between you and the governors. Never mind. Tell your strategists to set governors against one another. Encourage a new association of governors. Get a prominent politician – Abuja politician the opponents will derisively call him – to challenge such a stubborn governor. In no time – and thanks to our ever dutiful judiciary – a new party executive will rise. It is the new executive that will begin to dictate the pace of events, organise some lawmakers (no matter how few), import a mace and organise a sitting of the minority lawmakers to impeach the governor. Victory. At last.

    You can also use the OBJ formula; seize the state’s allocation. If it is an oil-producing state, especially one that may have been involved in a dispute with another, losing some oil blocks may not be a bad idea.

    As governors and politicians fly up and down, attending graduations and funerals and book presentations and weddings and chieftaincy ceremonies, they use such occasions to talk not just politics, but 2015. Direct the authorities to audit all private aircraft. Anyone without an updated paper should be grounded. No grace period. If you, despite the pressure, have refused to talk 2015, why must anybody do so?

    People will call you a dictator and label you an intolerant ruler. Those are the people who do not know you. Those who really know you are sure that you are no Nebuchadnezzar. Neither are you a Pharaoh. In any case, such distractions are to be expected as 2015 nears. What is important is that you keep your eyes on the ball.

    As success beckons, the opposition will gang up –again, this is to be expected – and form a party to fight you at the polls. Send confusion into their midst, erect an obstacle for them at the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) and ensure that a group of people with no visible political colouration comes up to claim the same name as the opposition’s new party. The thinking, you should realise, is snatch the name and kill the party. To a party, an unpopular name is like Barcelona without Messi; it won’t help.

    Amid the din, continue to shout that all you care about is service delivery. Keep your joker close to your chest as your opponents exhaust themselves. Remember, 2015 is a marathon.

    All rights reserved. No part of this material may be reproduced or utilised in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including recording, photocopying or by any information storage or retrieval system, without written permission from the copyright owner, Editorial Notebook. You have been warned.

  • A vote for amnesty

    A vote for amnesty

    WHO can beat Nigeria’s ingenuity?

    Just when you think that a problem is intractable and that we should learn to live with it, a solution appears and the matter is resolved. Just like that.

    Whoever thought the serenity in the Niger Delta was possible? Now oil companies are pumping the stuff without much hassle. Forget the whimpering about oil theft – Is there a place where you do not have petty thieves and scoundrels? Former militants have left the rough and tumble life of the creeks from where they almost turned the Niger Delta into a Somalia of sorts for the fast and bustling life of the city. Many have been to South Africa and some other places that used to exist only in their imagination. Their former bosses now belong to the enviable league of billionaires, running huge contracts, living like kings and partying like Hollywood stars. New life.

    Does anybody still doubt the efficacy of amnesty as the magical pill for many – its vociferous advocates actually insist all – of the ailments that trouble Nigeria? Forget the recent killing of 12 policemen in the quiet creeks of Bayelsa. That was the handiwork of some idle criminals, who we shall, unfortunately, always have with us, anyway.

    After a long hesitation, the Federal Government has been persuaded to have faith in its own medicine. Now, it has agreed that granting amnesty to the Boko Haram insurgents will stop their bloody campaign against the state, a fiendish campaign that has claimed thousands of lives and limbs.

    President Goodluck Jonathan was insisting that the sect’s leaders were faceless and, therefore, could not be pardoned. We can’t grant amnesty to ghosts, he once told elders in Borno State, the engine-room of the insurgency.

    But trust those spoilers who will always want to throw a spanner in the works. They would not even allow the committee set up to study the feasibility of amnesty for Boko Haram submit its report before telling the government to abandon the scheme without suggesting any other viable alternative. They said it would cost money and give people the impression that any group can take on the state and win. The government, as focused as ever, has refused to listen to these unsolicited expertise. It is forging ahead with amnesty.

    How can you run such a gigantic scheme smoothly without spending money? Committees will be set up. Won’t the members get sitting allowances? They surely will require the coziness of a five-star hotel, perhaps somewhere in Dubai or the serenity of the Obudu Cattle Ranch to hammer out the details of the deal. How will their hotel bills be settled? Who picks the travel bills? What about other logistics? Souvenirs for committee members for sparing their time and risking their all for such a crucial national assignment. Cars for their shuttling from one centre to another. Lunch break. Dinner. And a gala night after the whole process must have been completed. Who will pay for all that?

    I am sure those leading technocrats who are well grounded in the workings of the bureaucracy must have advised the government not to listen to the blathering that amnesty does not necessarily mean dishing out cash.

    The sect’s leader, Abubakar Shekau, has rejected amnesty but elders insist the scheme must go on. That is the spirit.

    In Abia State, over 5,000 repentant kidnappers and other criminals are seeking amnesty. They petitioned the House of Assembly that they surrendered their arms in 2010 but are yet to be enlisted in the programme. Governor Theodore Orji recalled that Aba, the industrial city, used to be a den of criminals. The government built camps and was about resettling the youths when the Federal Government announced its amnesty. Now, the youths are stranded.

    Said Orji: “They were in camps…but when they heard that the Federal Government had provided largesse to their colleagues, they abandoned the camps. We took their names to the Federal Government, but no response. They promised not to make trouble…they maintained it till their kingpin, Osisikankwu, was killed. Please, tell the Federal Government to start where we stopped.”

    Will the Federal Government listen to Orji’s cry? A fellow who realised the governor’s agony has suggested that the state should float an organisation to fight its battle for amnesty. His Excellency may consider the name Abia Youths Earnestly Ask for Amnesty(AYEAA). There can be no more auspicious time for such a group.

    A reliable source told me yesterday that there are plans to extend the bonanza to all those other groups who distract the government from providing the much vaunted but hardly available dividends of democracy so as to create a conducive atmosphere for the ruling Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) to perfect its plan to capture 36 –an error there, please – 32 states in the 2015 elections.

    Most likely on the line are armed robbers and their cousins, the kidnappers as well as ritualists who have turned the country into one vast arena of serious crimes. The other day in Delta State, the kidnapped Vice Chairman (Southeast) of the Action Congress of Nigeria (ACN), Chudi Nwike, was killed. His abductors, after collecting a N5million ransom, murdered the captive, the conveyor of the cash and the driver who brought him to deliver the money.

    Imagine the effect of granting such depraved souls amnesty – with some compensation for taking them off their lucrative business. Many big men who are scared of being snatched off their SUVs can then drive round the cities without trepidation, my friends from the Southeast will start going home for festivities again and people will no longer be afraid of flaunting their wealth.

    The police will then have time to return to their all-important duties of arresting people for wandering, teaching stubborn motorists who won’t renew their particulars promptly some lessons in good citizenship and keeping overzealous motor park touts in check. Peace.

    The bloodletting in Jos has been on for so long that nobody seems to remember exactly what may have caused it. Some say it is a settler-indigene palaver. Others argue it is a matter of religious differences. Herdsmen and farmers clash. Whole families get hacked to death by night marauders. Imagine proclaiming a general amnesty for them all –complete with compensation for whatever discomfort a peace deal may have caused the combatants. Jos will return to being the home of tourism, with visitors flocking in from all over the world. Just imagine.

    Even the Lagos “area boys” can do with amnesty. Imagine the streets free of alcohol drenched, red-eyed toothless youths, their mouths foaming, singing your praises – unsolicited. It is all simple. Some compensation; just a few bucks for some of those stuff that make them high. And there will be peace.

    Who knows the pension cash scandal would not have been this terrible if the leading actors and actresses had been offered amnesty. If they won’t drop what they have stolen, an amnesty will at least stop them from stealing more. There would have been no need for the Senate to issue a bench warrant for the police chief to seize anybody. Some old people would not have been carrying placards in support of a man who the Senate believed had questions to answer. No.

    A professor of Conflict Resolution, who is a research fellow in an international agency, has just told me of a paper he is putting together on “Dialectics and dynamics of amnesty in Nigeria: A case for global application”, which he is recommending to the United Nations (UN). The result of a 10-year study, the work encapsulates all the fine details of how Nigeria formulated the magical pill that is set to bring all-round tranquility.

    It is unfortunate that Shekau has rejected amnesty. He said the sect, being the one which has been wronged, should be the one to offer Nigeria amnesty. Not the other way round. In the spirit of our belief in the efficacy of the therapy, why don’t we then ask Shekau and his boys to give us all amnesty?

    Let Bamigbetan go, please

    S I was writing yesterday, I cast a glance at the book shelf. My eyes hit Teacher, don’t teach me nonsense, written by Kehinde Bamigbetan, the Ejigbo Local Council Development Area chair who was kidnapped on Monday near his home on the outskirts of Lagos.

    Bamigbetan, a journalist-turned–politician, would not hurt a fly. His abductors are asking for $1m but I know Korki, as he is fondly called, is not rich in cash; his worth lies in his reputation as an activist who has pledged to ensure that we have a Nigeria where nobody will see crime as a lucrative venture.

    I plead with his abductors to let him go today.

     

  • April Fool amid Easter blues

    April Fool amid Easter blues

    APRIL Fool got shoved off the calendar here a long time ago. A Londoner called me on Monday to confirm a story he had heard. I reminded him that it was the All Fools’ Day. He burst into laughter.

    But I remained impassive to the hysteria of that moment. He lives in a society where spoofery is an exciting art in which even the most serious of newspapers indulge at least once in a year – on April 1. Here, the line between fiction and reality is so thin there is no point trying to find the point of departure between the two. Nothing is new.

    In equal measures, the bizarre mixes with the blissful, the mad contests with the mardy and all is upside down.

    We have seen a generation of brilliant military officers perish in a strange air crash. We have seen illiterate vote grabbers and flagrant impostors occupy government houses. We have seen confirmed thieves get a slap on the wrist. We have seen members of a family, including babies, murdered in cold blood. We have seen innocent bus passengers bombed. A governor was kidnapped by those who insisted that to them he must surrender the treasury key. What can shock Nigerians? Nothing.

    The April Fool fell on Easter Monday. But the sobriety – and revelry, for some – of our Lord’s victory over death was no bulwark against the absurdities of our often scorned life. Consider this: The President was speaking on Sunday at a church service – his first in Lagos, Nigeria’s business and financial engine-room, since coming to office in 2011. He was talking about fixing the roads and the terrible power supply. All of a sudden, there was a power outage . His voice was muffled. Thankfully, the public address system came alive again. Dr Goodluck Jonathan resumed his sanctimonious talk about keeping the country united amid the deadly security situation.

    His face wreathed in sardonic smiles, he said: “I believe they (those behind power supply) know that I am here. That is why they took light, at least to remind me that I must not sleep, until we stabilise power. God willing, next year, they will not take light again.” Can you beat that?

    On Monday, at the dedication of a church in Aninnri Local Government, Enugu State, the Anglican Primate, the Most Revd. Nicholas Okoh, was praying for the President. He said: “He came to this position through your grace; may he not be disgraced out. There may be people who are not happy with him; may you protect him from their powers. Give him the grace as the man who transformed this country. May he not go home empty handed.”

    Honestly, this is our prayer for the President – that his may not go down in history as an ever pugnacious presidency overwhelmed by its many battles, some of them its own creation, such as the January 1, last year fuel price increase and the fatuous attempt to wreck the Governors Forum. There are others, the origin of which may not have been the government’s making. Boko Haram. Kidnappings – remember the seven foreigners who the President believes may still be alive? Pipeline vandalism. Communal clashes and the savagery of mass murders in villages.

    As for people who may not be happy with President Jonathan, they are many – for obvious reasons. Unfortunately, they do not seem to have the powers to deal with him. The only power they have is their vote. But, do votes count here?

    Among the army of the aggrieved are old pensioners who worked all their lives to have a restful old age. Now they go hungry, their pensions stolen by wicked civil servants. There are university graduates who have been duped in desperate attempts to buy jobs that are actually not available. There are those who have lost loved ones to robbers. They feel the government has betrayed their trust.

    It was a bloody Easter Day in Kano. Security agents raided a Boko Haram hideout and engaged the sect’s fighters in a gun duel. A soldier and 14 others died in the encounter. The building housing the sect’s fighters was razed and 14 AK 47 assault rifles were recovered. Besides, many explosives were seized.

    The Kano clash followed the motor park bombing in which scores died and many were injured. Who would have thought a few years ago that some demented youths would kit themselves up with explosives and then head for a motor park to ignite the place with a deadly fire that left so much blood, broken heads and battered limbs? Who? In those days, it would have been another April Fool spoof. Not anymore.

    On Easter Day in Festac Town, on the outskirts of Lagos, some suspected vandals were arrested by the police. They were said to be carrying fuel stolen from a pipeline in 270 bags – ever heard of fuel in bags? The ingenuity of the thieves here is clearly beyond the comprehension of many in the advanced world – each containing 120 litres of petrol. The chief suspect confessed to the crime, saying he was shocked that security operatives were at work during the Easter break.

    Komuko Ayekede said: “We thought that on a day like Easter, security operatives would go and rest with their families. Please, forgive us, at least, for the sake of Christ that rose from death because of you and me.”

    He had initially lied that he was a palm wine tapper who only saw the sacks of petrol while atop a palm tree, but he confessed when an accomplice decided to spill the beans. As far as Ayekede is concerned, he should be allowed to go home – in the spirit of Easter. Is there a more shocking absurdity?

    Four Kaduna State communities are yet to recover from the hangover of the two-day killing spree unleashed on them by some unknown gunmen on Saturday and Sunday. The police said 19 people were killed. The villagers said 20 died. Among the victims were women and children. They were asleep in the dead of the night when they were woken up by gunshots. They rushed out to find out that their homes had been set on fire by the invaders, who shot them as they rushed out.

    The cause of the bloodletting was not immediately clear. The local government chairman, Kumai L.J. Badun, said the invasion was a reprisal for the poisoning of two cows, allegedly by a 21-year-old man, Aboi Stephen, who was complaining that grazing cows destroyed part of his drying season farm. Days after his complaint, two cows were found dead. The owner, said to be a Fulani, warned that Aboi would pay dearly for the death of the cows. One day, Aboi was declared missing. His body was later found by a search party. His throat was slit.

    An army of villagers stormed the palace of the chief of Atakar in protest. They accused him of inviting the Fulani into the community. A few days after, the invaders came, vengeance on their minds and anger on their faces, burning and shooting. The body count – 20 dead, including women and children.

    Now, consider the price of two dead cows in Nigeria – 20 persons. What can be more ridiculous?

    We thought terrorists had been sent packing from Abuja. They sent a warning during the Easter break when an explosive went off at an eatery. Thankfully, there was no casualty.

    In Warri, Delta State, three kids were detained by the police for allegedly stealing a bicycle. The children, aged between six and nine, were detained because their parents could not raise the N10,000 per head allegedly demanded by the investigating officer. One was released; his mother paid N6,000. The father of another was said to be on his way to the police station, armed with N6,000 and prayers. Another was wondering why the police would detain the minors with hardened criminals for yet an unproven allegation.

    Is April Fool still here?

  • Post-mortem of a pardon

    Post-mortem of a pardon

    NO event has been this tendentious in recent history. Not even the President’s handling of the deadly Boko Haram insurgency. Nor the reckless fuel subsidy removal of last year and the criminal negligence of our roads and hospitals; the novelty of governors just taking off on “well deserved” holidays and the emotional sight of old men and women protesting their unpaid pensions. None.

    The presidential pardon handed DSP Alamieyeseigha, a chief, former governor of Bayelsa State, Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) stalwart, ex-convict and – thanks to his munificence – governor-general of the Ijaw nation – has put the Presidency under fire since it was packaged and delivered eight days ago.

    No doubt, President Goodluck Jonathan must have reviewed the situation with his friends, aides and associates. What was his conclusion? Regrets? Triumph? Who said what behind the scene? Are more pardons coming? Who are the VIP ex-convicts clamouring for pardon? Editorial Notebook’s reportorial skills have been pressed into action to resolve these and many other questions to which readers are seeking answers.

    Thankfully, I ran into an uncle of mine in Sangotedo – the tiny beach town on the outskirts of Lekki, the Lagos home of the rich – whose friend’s brother claimed to have met a senior official of the Presidency who swore that he attended one of those post-mortem sessions. The source, I was told, pleaded not to be named because of the sensitivity of the matter, and the fact that he is not authorised to speak to the press.

    Here is his unconfirmed report of the aftermath of what has been described by some critics of the presidential action as the alarming pardon:

    Dr Jonathan sits down on a sofa, the national flag resting behind him. He is surrounded by some aides, friends and associates. He whips out a handkerchief to rub his face, smiles and adjusts his position. They all greet him.

    Thank you, gentlemen. You’re all welcome. And, if I may ask: How do you people see this pardon for those they called coup plotters and the other people?

    The aides keep quiet. But before the President could go on, a leading businessman, who is a regular visitor to the Villa, cuts in.

    My President, you know I won’t deceive you. That was a great decision. The critics have not been fair to you. They say your chief target was your former boss, DSP, and that you only used the others to pad the list and make it look national and sincere. Don’t bother yourself about busybodies. A great leader must take decisions – popular or unpopular – but history will not be kind to any leader who refuses to take bold decisions.

    Thank you, chief. You see, I don’t give a damn. The question is: don’t I have the right to pardon anybody that I wish to pardon? Doesn’t the Bible say ‘I will have mercy on who I will?’ Here is a man who has helped me; no; a man who has been so helpful to this country. The creeks are quiet, oil production is rising; do they think it’s their noise? Honestly, I don’t give a damn!

    You’re right sir. There has been so much jubilation in Bayelsa. Big celebration. I saw it with my two eyes on television. I saw Alams on an open roof vehicle, waving to the cheering crowd. In fact, as I was coming here, somebody called me to tell me how this boy, em…em… James Ibori, received the news. He said the guy was lamenting, saying: “Shoo! See Alams o. E don free. Dem say he fit contest again to be senator or whatever. Why me I run comot? Even Lucky dey enjoy now, after coming back from court. Ha…I don yab. I fall my people hand.”

    Really? You see, one man’s meat is another man’s poison. As far as I’m concerned, I have taken a decision, approved by the Council of State, a body of our most experienced people, including elders and giants in law. So, what are they talking about? I’m here to take decisions and I have taken a decision. If you’re not pleased with my decision, you’re free to go to court.

    I agree with you sir. You see, a decision that is not popular with some people is being celebrated by others. It’s all politics. A friend of mine has just told me that you’ll soon be getting applications for such pardon. I understand Tafa Balogun is interested and I said, ‘why not?’ He was a damn good police officer; only the money problem. They said he stole, but his friends are saying he got no fair trial. This is a government of rule and law. And it must be seen to be so. Then, one crazy fellow was crying that Abdulrasheed Maina should come out of hiding.

    Another, who claims to be an economist and financial expert, said he heard from a reliable source that Central Bank Governor Sanusi Lamido Sanusi would not seek another term. You know who he suggested as Sanusi’s successor? Shettima Bulama, the former Bank of the North chief and beneficiary of the pardon.

    Thank you bo. If the only thing I can do to help the man is what I have done, I have no apology. God used him to draw me into politics. The man has gone to jail. He has lost weight. He has lost property. What else do they want; make he quench? They say his pardon will undermine the war against corruption. But I ask, how? Just one man? Did he not serve? Abeg make I hear word.

    And somebody was saying Baba ,the one in Ota, that he was scorning the whole thing, that when he saw it in the newspapers, he screamed: “Alams pardoned…I dey laugh o!” When his boys asked him, “Baba, what’s the matter?” He started grumbling: “A man I sent to jail kulee and he came out jeje. Now, he’s pardoned. If that is what they want to be doing now, dat na dem toro. Alaremu has done his own. I started the EFCC. They said I was using it to grab my enemies. I wonder who I should have been using it to catch; my kids? Now they are free to be using it for their former ogas. Me I don do my own.

    (The President, pointing to one of his aides, a suppressed smile on his dry lips).What is all this talk about clemency, amnesty, pardon and all those gymnastics.

    Sir (an aide springs up to his feet, adjusts his jacket and straightens his bent tie). Mr President sir…em…emm. I don’t see the point they are trying to make. It’s all grammatical gymnastics, as you have rightly observed. In fact, there is so much ignorance about this matter and I have told them that the critics are suffering from sophisticated ignorance, which has heightened their anger. And they need some remedial tranquilisers for mollification of the situation.

    Hmm…I trust you! When people are ignorant and they see politics in everything, they won’t learn. As for us, we must refuse to lose focus. We must.

    (Another aide is struggling to rise onto his feet, the leather seat screeching, as if it’s crying to be freed of the weight that has been dumped on it. He eventually stands up, a file in his hand).Mr Presden sir. I went on television the very next day after the Council decision. And I told all those armchair critics to stop it. You ask a thief to run; he runs. You ask him to drop what he has stolen; he drops it. What else do you want?

    (The room burst into laughter, sparked by the strange allegory of the aide. In this lighter mood, another aide stands up to talk). Sir, the joke in town now is playing on the word “Alams”. They say: “Latest entries in Nigerian Urban Dictionary”: 1. Alams (noun). (i) An oga at the top who is much higher than a mere political godfather; he is generally believed to have the swagger of a tribal deity.

    (ii) Anyone who is intimate with oga at the top

    2. Alam: verb. To pardon someone of corruption e.g: “ Our accountant has been sacked for embezzlement of company funds but the board has alamed him.”

    Everybody was seized by laughter. The session closes as the President turns to the staircase, saying: “Good night, gentlemen.”

  • Letter to Malam Umar Musa Yar’adua

    Dear Malam Umar Musa Yar’adua,

    Your Excellency Sir, Nigeria has undergone systematic transformation since you departed from us. Most of these are not good; hence it is not my intention to take you through all the calamities. However, I will crave your indulgence on some present political happenings and our expectations come 2015. You took over in 2007 from a leadership that was dictatorial and corrupt; what you inherited was an inept administration, a deteriorating polity and a functionless civil service.

    Those who know you and what you stood for were happy that, once again, God has done something great by honouring us with a focused, independent-minded and honest leader. You promptly displayed your independence on all national issues: you were steadfast in reviving decayed infrastructure; sanity was already returning in all arms of government, courtesy of your due-process attitude. You were patriotic, revolutionary, exhibited inbuilt concern for Nigeria and Nigerians. The fruit of what you stood for was maturing, in some instances getting ripe, when you answered the call of Allah.

    Before your funeral in the ancient city of Katsina and at the famous Danmarna Cemetery — oh sorry, even when you were lying sick, months before your departure — the country was already drifting to your predecessor’s era. They started by squandering the foreign reserves you painfully saved, and then racketeering of the nation’s Bonny Light. Before you left, government agencies had compromised their ethics and pledge to serve Nigeria diligently, with truth and honesty. These unfortunate trends continue. The effect is so devastating that it has affected all strata of the society.

    Nigerians are now being challenged with a leadership that lacks capacity: provision of even the lowest form of basic infrastructure is still a mirage. Needless to say, even in the Federal Capital city, inhabitants resort to patronising the ‘mai-ruwa’ for their water needs. These new occupants have made corruption a way of governance: there is stealing in the energy, transport and pension sectors of the economy. Their vandalism has also swallowed the nation’s foreign reserves; we are now indebted to the tune of $7 billion and N8 trillion foreign and domestic debt respectively.

    Security-wise, the English man is short of words to describe the present situation, but surely it is safer to live in the jungle of Animal Farm in faraway Russia than the Nigeria territory in this century. Killings are a daily occurrence; nobody is safe, with prime target mostly primary school pupils, females and sometimes the aged. Recently, this issue necessitated an amnesty call which the government rejected, arguing that if JTF wiped out communities somewhere, mere killings and breeding of orphans should not be reciprocated with an amnesty.

    Sir, you’ve tested leadership; you knew about the total control of the nation’s purse; you have worked with praise singers that believed a leader should be worshiped, and, of course, the unnecessary and lofty protocol associated with the office. For these reasons, they are bent on elongating their tenure by all means. This is made clear by their desperate moves to pocket the party so as to give way for a single candidate at the primaries. Even if a promise is a promise – so what? After all, he was a signatory to a two-term zoning agreement which he dumped in the dustbin and Nigerians still call him ‘Excellency’. So what’s the big deal being un-honourable? Their members are optimistic that government apparatus would be employed to make sure our votes do not count.

    The Obasanjo group that promoted your candidature is on the political field. They felt alienated by all the regimes and so needed some relevance again. After all, the PDP is theirs, hence newcomers should stay clear. They have one of the governors as their only sucker. Governors Muazu, Lamido, Shema and possibily Kwankwaso are already in line for this adventure.

    Another interesting group jostling to occupy Aso Rock come 2015 is that of the governors. They have made it a tradition that only one of them should be there for corruption to continue. Their ways include cornering of delegates, intimidation and rigging of votes, which you knew very well. These governors are already in secret alliance with OBJ, since their supreme criteria is to have one of them in Aso Rock; Baba’s choice is therefore perfect; but, as expected there will be political gimmicks before the primaries while a shameless concession and unification is intended minutes to the elections, of course, to the astonishment of the government group.

    I know you will be wondering why I did not mention that previously powerful IBB group. They are in agony for being the architects of the ship but now completely lost out of the power game. If you remember, they were uncared-for passengers in OBJ’s regime; you did not harbour them because of your independence. They are not on the Jonathan train and now not part of the so-called elongation. Their only option is either to surrender or engage in anti-party activities. We believed the general was still combatant. From the above analysis, coupled with governors’ influence at the PDP primaries taken into consideration, PDP merger with the NNPC, Pension Fund, etc, and INEC’s professorial ability to rig election, the Katsina governor may be gradually ascending to the exalted seat.

    I am sure you know about the progressive merger and the formation of the All Progressive Congress (APC). Already, this milestone is causing sleepless nights to all the PDP groups. We are confident you would have been in this team, were you to be alive today and not in position of leadership. Your memories and radical contributions during our good old days in the PRP, PDM and lately the SDP are still fresh with us. Comrade , Sir, ALUTA CONTINUA, VICTORIA ACERTA.

    We are proud of you, you are a role model; you served sincerely and with all your strength. You left us without anything worldly but an enviable legacy of empirical honesty, humility and commitment to serve.

    The APC is now positioned to provide the required challenge to the ruling party. Already, the progressives have a crack team — solidly aggressive and with a termite-like unity. You know united we stand, divided we fall. The vote-protection techniques used in previous elections is now improved to actions from the polling units to the supreme courts if need be. Our flag-bearers are already in shape – vibrant, blunt, mobile and with the courage, commitment and foresight of the like of the late Hugo Chavez.

    Your excellency, please permit me to use this medium to appeal to the founders of APC to, as a matter of urgency, include the office of a vote protector in the executive offices of this new party at all levels. The occupant should be next only to the secretary of the party in hierarchy — fearless, aggressively wise and also unable to use all known and unknown means to protect votes and at all cost. I repeat: at all cost.

    No stupid errand boy will dare tamper with progressive votes when the like of the Oshiomholes, Al-Makuras, el-Rufais or even the combatant and the no-nonsense Sam Nda-Isaiah is occupying the office of national vote protector. If you are not comfortable with my harsh language, I’m not sorry and no apology: this time round, it’s victory or nothing else.

    The Nigerian masses have pledged to elect candidates based on their integrity, track records and sincere commitment to serve their cause, while the APC leadership is on hand to provide an all-encompassing flat form for institutionalising genuine democracy devoid of vices for the interest of the common man.

    Finally, Sir, our consolation is further strengthened by our total conviction that leadership at whatever level is beyond human power, the control of the nation’s purse, command of the armed forces and INEC notwithstanding. No government succeeds with injustice; whoever doubts that is surely not among the wise and the enlightened.

    May I conclude, Your Excellency, by saying, ‘O Allah, forgive Umaru Musa Yar’Adua and elevate his station among those who are guided. Send him along the path of those who come before and forgive us and him. O Lord of the worlds, enlarge for him his grave and shed light upon him in it.

    Yours sincerely, Garba Dankani