By Rois Ola

There are a few signs that indicate you and your significant other should sit down and evaluate where your relationship stands. Watching out for these signs can help you head off a crisis and avoid disaster altogether. When you reach a point in a relationship when you think things might be getting serious, it is time to make an assessment of whether your prospective significant other is a deceptive person. The early stages of a relationship are mostly about fun, but you should keep an eye out for signs right from the get-go. Knowing what to look for will save you trouble and heartbreak in the future.

The warning signs

1. Secrecy

A bit of privacy in a relationship is important. It is healthy to maintain your own separate identity within the relationship, but when you or your significant other begins to hide details and important information from each other, this is a sign that there is a lack of trust.

Obviously, keeping quiet about a surprise for your sweetheart is entirely different from something like lying about losing your job or how you feel about your partner’s family.

2. Lies and deception

One could argue that this is the daughter of the first warning sign. It certainly indicates a lack of respect. Lies and deception clearly do not happen in a healthy relationship.

What do you think?

Which relationship warning sign has given you the most trouble? (survey software)

1. Dependence and control

Rare is the relationship that can function in a healthy fashion where co-dependency exists. Equally rare is the relationship that can function in a healthy fashion when one person is dominating the other. If you find these dynamics are at play, take a step back and look at them.

2. Fear

We all experience fear at various times in our lives. When it is persistent, it is important to examine the source and resolve it. Fear should not be a regular part of our relationships. If it is, it could be a sign of a larger problem.

3. Depression

If you find that you are feeling depressed within the context of your relationship, it is a definite sign that there is trouble in paradise. While we all have times when we feel sad, anxious or otherwise upset, this should not be a regular occurrence.

Finding any of these warning signs in your relationship indicates a need to look deeper. They may be present because of factors within the relationship. Or they may be present because of long entrenched patterns of behaviour that we carry forward with us from past relationships. In either case, it is important to locate the root cause. When you know what is causing the symptom, it becomes easier to treat the problem.

The most frequent problem in relationships is arguably a lack of communication. We can get comfortable with another person and begin to assume that they will just know what we need from them. This is not the case, even if you are psychic. Open communication does wonders for preventing greater problems within the relationship because it allows for all people involved to understand what their positions are on various matters and to act with as much knowledge of the situation as they possibly can.

The second most frequent problem seen in relationships occurs when a person collapses into the relationship and assumes a position of weakness. Men do this just as much as women do, so don’t let the stereotype fool you. Collapsing yourself into the relationship will ultimately create resentment and hurt feelings for both partners, especially if it is combined with a lack of communication. Remember, you are emotionally involved with this person because you want to be, not because you need to be. And remember that you are a separate person who is unique and valuable in your own right.

Eyes

Some people think liars try to avoid eye contact, but this isn’t necessarily true. Deliberate liars know to keep their gaze fixed to help support their point. Casual liars find it more difficult to look into a scrutinizing face. Sometimes a liar’s pupils widen, depending on how stressful the situation is. Others may appear as though they are reading from a script in their head, by moving their eyes back and forth or rolling them.

Voice

Vocal inflection tends to change when someone is lying. Listen for inconsistencies compared with her normal speech. If her voice goes up in pitch at the end of sentences and that is abnormal, she may be deceiving you.

Body language

Closed-off and defensive body language is a sign that someone is being deceptive. Crossed arms are more suspicious than arms that hang casually at the side or are used appropriately within the context of the story. If someone is not facing you squarely, he may be hiding something. Facing you square on is more indicative of honesty. Similarly, someone who faces you straight on when seated is more likely being honest than someone who is turned to the side or sitting on one hip or the other.

Attention to detail

Liars tend to give you too much detail in an effort to make their story seem more legitimate. If you find yourself feeling that what a person is saying is extra and unnecessary, he may be trying to put you at ease with extra information.

Language choice

People who are deceptive make a few constant language choices that may help you spot them. Liars tend not to use contractions such as “don’t,” “can’t” or “it’s.” They tend to use more negative words, stemming from the subconscious guilt they feel. They also use fewer first person pronouns in an effort to distance themselves from the story they are telling.

Logical process

A good way to catch a liar is to test her logical process. If she can’t keep her story straight and logical, she likely will slip back into vague statements and claims such as “I cannot remember exactly.” Ask for details about the story and then ask the person to repeat it so you can listen for inconsistencies.

Motivation

A good test of deception is to determine if the person has a motive to lie. Other than compulsive liars, people generally won’t lie when they have no reason to. Do they have something to gain by lying? They could be saving your feelings or keeping your affections. If they lack a reasonable motive for lying, they probably aren’t. If they have motive, the odds are much greater that they are lying.

By Rois Ola

Connect with yourself. Going through a big loss or change can leave you feeling a little unsure of yourself and who you are. You can do this by connecting to your body through exercise, spending time in nature, or connecting with your spiritual and philosophical beliefs.

Things to keep in mind

As you navigate the process of healing a broken heart, it’s helpful to have realistic expectations about the process. From pop songs to rom-coms, society can give a warped view of what heartbreak actually entails.

Here are a few things to keep in the back of your mind.

Your experience is valid

The death of a loved one is the more overt form of grief, Palumbo explains, but covert grief can look like the loss of a friendship or relationship. Or maybe you’re starting a new phase of your life by changing careers or becoming an empty nester.

Whatever it is, it’s important to validate your grief. This simply means recognizing the impact it’s had on your life.

It’s not a competition

It’s natural to compare your situation to that of others, but heartbreak and grieving aren’t a competition.

Just because it’s the loss of a friendship and not the death of a friend doesn’t mean the process isn’t the same,. “You’re relearning how to live in a world without an important relationship you once had.”

There’s no expiration date

Grief is not the same for everyone and it has no timetable. Avoid statements like “I should be moving on by now,” and give yourself all of the time you need to heal.

You can’t avoid it

As hard as it might feel, you have to move through it. The more you put off dealing with painful emotions, the longer it will take for you to start feeling better.

Expect the unexpected

As your grief evolves, so will the intensity and frequency of heartbreak. At times it will feel like soft waves that come and go. But some days, it might feel like an uncontrollable jolt of emotion. Try not to judge how your emotions manifest.

You’ll have periods of happiness

Remember that it’s okay to fully experience moments of joy as you grieve. Spend part of each day focusing on the present moment, and allow yourself to embrace the good things in life.

If you’re dealing with the loss of a loved one, this might bring up some feelings of guilt. But experiencing joy and happiness is crucial to moving forward. And forcing yourself to stay in a negative state of mind won’t change the situation.

It’s okay to not be okay

A profound loss, like the death of a loved one, is going to look vastly different from a job rejection,. “In both cases, it’s imperative to allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling and remember that it’s okay not to be okay.”

Even if you’re doing everything you can to work through your heartbreak, you’ll probably still have off days. Take them as they come and try again tomorrow.

Seek self-acceptance

Don’t expect your suffering to go away sooner than when it’s ready. Try to accept your new reality and understand that your grief will take some time to heal.

Recommended reading

When you’re dealing with heartbreak, books can be both a distraction and a healing tool. They don’t have to be big self-help books, either. Personal accounts of how others have lived through grief can be just as powerful. I wish you all the best.