The Nation Newspaper

Category: Saturday Magazine

  • When you are the other woman

    When you are the other woman

    VERA CHIDI-MAHA

     

    LIFE as a mistress or the other woman generally is not fun all the way. Some ladies become secret lovers to their men not really by choice, but by chance.

    For all you women out there that always have something negative to say about the mistress, please, don’t wait until you know what the situation is before you judge.

    Speaking on this, a friend, who I will simply call Agatha, has this to say, “I am not a home breaker or a seductress. The man I am dating now has been married for 18 years. We have been in this relationship for two years. He fulfils a lot of obligations to his wife.

    “I know he loves her and our relationship does not in any way distort or threaten his marriage. At my age, it is difficult to get a single man to date, and to keep myself happy, I have continued with this guy. He and I were best of friends before we became intimate. He is there for me.

    “Most of my nights are cold and lonely because of his obligations to his family. He only sees me when he likes or when he has a misunderstanding with ‘madam.’ He would be at my place to cool off. For now, it is okay by me”.

    Another lady, Funmi, spoke in a similar vein. “I am a lady who has been having an affair with a married man who is deeply in love with me. We met many years ago as good friends when I was 23. Then, I was married. I later broke up with my violent and abusive partner.

    “I moved away and tried to rebuild my life. Years later, I heard through our mutual friend that this man still adored me. He married his wife because his family put pressure on him because she got pregnant in the course of dating.

    “He always told anyone that cared to listen that I was the woman he would have loved to marry. He is very handsome and women loved to flock around him. Now that we are back together, that deep attraction is still there. My life as a mistress is lonely and very unfulfilling. Love making is great and that is the only benefit of the relationship I enjoy.

    “I know he listens to me. He has promised that we might have a future together. I told him in the beginning that I would rather walk away than to hurt his family; and I mean it because his happiness is important to me. I am sure that soon, it will all be over.”

    For Helen, the story is not much different. “Yes, I am dating a married man and I know the society does not agree with it, but I know why I’m doing it. I truly believe we are meant for each other, and I would stay in the relationship for as long as fate permits.

    “He is my best friend, but fate does not want us to be husband and wife and life can be really unfair. I still have single male admirers and who knows. Maybe one day I will find someone else. But it has really been a bitter sweet relationship and I hope we can remain friends for life”.

    Kate said: “There is no big deal about being the other woman. ‘Sometimes, it is heaven on earth and sometimes, it could really be hell. My man friend is every lady’s dream.

    “The most memorable thing he did for me was when he bought me a detachable bungalow in the heart of Surulere and guesses what. He bought it in my name. The nightmare, however, started when his wife got to know about our relationship. She has since been threatening fire and brimstone.

    “When her threats became unbearable, I had to put the house up for rent and I have since relocated to Ikeja. We still see from time to time. It’s not the best thing, but I have decided to stay on because half bread is better than none”.

    Though Chi acknowledges the fact of her relationship to him, it does not necessarily have to end in marriage. “I would never compromise the children of a marriage, nor would I convince a straying husband into deserting his family. We mistresses don’t get the best part of the deal. We get the lies and false promises and in most cases, insecurity”.

    Uche dated a man for more than six years before she eventually got married. “I was a mistress for well over six years, but thank God, today, I am somebody’s wife. I have many reasons to thank God. I am grateful to God because though the six years were fulfilling, but my guy’s marriage was threatened. God saved it.

    “I would have lived to regret it. So, many times, I tried to call it off, but to no avail. He paid my fees throughout my university years. He was really nice to me and my family, but he was really possessive. He would not see me with any male friend or course mate.

    “In my quiet moment, I used to pray that one day, an end must come to the affair. Don’t get me wrong. I really had a wonderful time, but as a woman with conscience, I became worried about his wife in my sober reflection. I used to wonder what she was going through since her husband spent practically all his spare time with me. Country, on a wife-hunting mission, and he consulted my sugar daddy who recommended me to his nephew.

    “Thankfully, today we are married with a baby on the way. I say thankfully because my guy almost ruined the whole show. During my wedding, he could barely take his eyes off me, and when he gave us a car gift, he personally ensured he gave me the keys with a hug and a seductive wink at me which unfortunately my husband noticed. We argued about it for weeks before I was able to argue my way out of it. I have since kept my distance from my former guy because I don’t trust that we will be innocent when left alone”.

    Kenny is now a born-again Christian and believes her past should stay that way. “I am now a born-again Christian. Whatever I did in the past belongs to the past. It is over. My affair with my married lover was not originally planned. You see, he did not tell me he was married initially. I was in a higher institution, while he was a senior lecturer in the school. Let me spare you the details of how we met, but it was really love at first sight.

    “Unknown to me, his family was based in faraway Warri. It was on one of my usual home keeping chores that I stumbled on his wedding album. Again, I will spare you the details of how he explained it away with tears streaming down his eyes.

    “What finally brought me to my senses was when I attended a vigil with some friends. As if the pastor was talking to me directly, he started preaching on the consequences of adultery. He went further to say that if you are a woman and you are living with a man that is not your husband, you should leave. Well the rest as they is history”.

    Christy said she had been in both situations–the wife and the mistress. “As an adult, you are responsible for your actions. As a wife, it was very easy for me to become over emotional and be filled with hatred for the mistress to justify staying with my ex-husband who hurt me deeply. It is always easier to stay when someone else is to blame.

    “Mistresses are the hidden ones. We are not treated the way men treat their wives. Since we have accepted to be mistresses and always staying in the shadows, it can be really lonely and frustrating”.

    For Folake, being a mistress is such an easy role to play, if you understand the rules. “You get all the sweet, flirty romantic part. You have great sex, then they go away and you don’t have to deal with their bad moods or wash dirty socks and so on. Being a mistress is really fun for me”.

     

    My comment

    Ladies, as difficult as it is to keep that other woman away completely, there are things you can do. If you don’t want your man to cheat, never let him get bored. Always make yourself attractive.

    The minute he realizes that you are putting effort into looking attractive all the time, that alone will keep him on his toes and his mind always on you.

    It’s about a mental challenge. It may be a game, but it’s what needs to be done if you want to keep him from straying from home.

  • My 21-day COVID-19 isolation experience — Onyeama

    My 21-day COVID-19 isolation experience — Onyeama

    Two days ago, Nigeria celebrated her 60th independence anniversary. Minister of Foreign Affairs, Mr. Geoffrey Onyeama, chose the occasion to reflect on the country’s exploits in world affairs and the efforts being made by the Buhari administration to ensure that Nigeria and Nigerians are respected across the globe. He also addressed the delay in the evacuation of stranded Nigerians abroad and his 21-day Covid-19 isolation experience, among other issues. Excerpt by VINCENT IKUOMOLA

    LOOKING at Nigeria at 60, how would you assess the country’s contributions to international affairs since independence?

    Nigeria has made very important contributions to international relations since independence in 1960. Even in 1960, Nigeria was already on the world scene in the Congo. There was a major crisis in the Congo and Nigeria was one of the contributors to the United Nations (UN) peace-keeping forces there. Indeed, our current president, Muhammadu Buhari, was an officer serving with the Nigerian contingent in the Congo. Former head of state, Maj-Gen. Anguyi Ironsi, was also one of the officers commanding in the Congo. So, right from the word go, Nigeria was very present in trying to find a solution to an international crisis.

    Throughout the 60 years of her independence, Nigeria has been one of the major contributors of troops to the United Nations peace-keeping efforts around the globe. It has made major contributions to promoting and securing peace in a number of countries around the world. You would recall, for instance, that in Liberia, Sierra Leone, Somalia, Sudan and other countries outside Africa, Asia and Latin America, Nigeria and Nigerian military contingents have played very important roles in peace keeping and securing peace in many countries.

    Nigeria also played an important role in the denuclearization effort of the world. We have been in the vanguard of countries pushing for a nuclear-free world, signing a lot of the international conventions. In fact, early in life, in the 60s, Nigeria took a very bold decision to break diplomatic relations with France when France tested an atomic bomb in the Republic of Niger, close to Nigeria. Ever since, we have been at the vanguard of fighting for denuclearization of the globe through international organisations like the International Atomic Energy Agency and the United Nations.

    Nigeria has played an important role in the promotion of human rights in the Human Rights Council. It has played an important role in United Nations itself throughout the 60 years, promoting and pushing for peace around the world, and justice among countries and for a larger role in the United Nations for African countries and smaller nations. Nigeria has also played a significant role in social development around the globe. A lot of Nigerians have held important positions in International organizations, including the UN, and made major impact in social, economic and cultural development around the world.

    So, Nigeria has been very present not just in Africa where it has played a strong role in the Africa Union, beginning with the Organisation of African Unity (OAU) which became African Union, in different aspects. In the economic area, Nigeria has played a big role in the creation of an African Continental Free Trade Area. Nigeria was a driving force in the creation of the Economic Community of West African States (ECOWAS) and has pushed for greater integration not just in West Africa but in Africa.

    Nigeria has fought also in the context of human rights and the protection of the rights of the average African. Nigeria also fought when a number of African countries were pushing for African countries to pull out of the International Criminal Court. Nigeria was opposed to that move and supported the International Criminal Court, because Nigeria believes that there should be a forum to defend the average African from the excesses of their leaders. So, Nigeria was on the side of giving that voice and shield to the common person in Africa.

    So I will say that Nigeria in 60 years has made lasting contributions to global peace, economic development towards a fairer world, African cooperation and integration, peace and good governance on the African continent. We have seen Nigeria engage in installing a democratic regime in the Gambia, for instance. Presently, it is also involved in Mali. So, good governance has been an area Nigeria has also made very important contributions. Also with regard to anti-corruption, Nigeria has really pushed that agenda of good governance and fight against corruption on the Africa continent. Nigeria played an important role in the United Nations to push for a resolution on the issue of illicit financial flows from developing countries whose wealth is being illegally siphoned and invested in all kinds of secret accounts around the world and those involved in the extractive industries in Africa not paying taxes.

    Nigeria has championed more transparent mechanisms and architecture for doing business, especially by multinationals, on the African Continent. So Nigeria at 60 has been a pillar in the world for governance, social justice, peace, economic development, cultural cooperation and development and promotion of multilateralism. You know that a lot of big powers have imposed their will on global affairs, but Nigeria has been prominent, pushing, strengthening and re-enforcing the role of multilateral system as a mechanism that is more just in providing an equitable global system.

    Despite the listed achievements of the country on the international scene, Nigerians abroad have in recent times been facing serious aggression from the so called friendly nations. How do you intend to address this, especially as the big brother role seems not to be working to our advantage?

    I will not say Nigeria is facing aggression from countries. I do not think that will be an accurate description. You have to make the distinction always between state actors and non-state actors. So, where you have had certain actions against Nigeria and Nigerians, xenophobic attacks and so forth, these are often actions by non-state actors. So we have engaged robustly with the states to ensure that Nigerians are protected, lives and properties are protected in those countries.

    In some countries, we might say there is state actors’ involvement. But very often, those states would say that Nigerians are not targeted per se but these are laws that affect everybody else. But again, we have engaged these countries. And more and more, we are developing a more aggressive, robust policy on reciprocity. So we are making it clear now that where we feel that Nigerians are not been treated fairly, we will look at all the measures available to us to also respond in a reciprocal option.

     

    Going back to the evacuation process during the Covid-19 lockdown, how would you describe the experience and lessons learnt in the process? What were the things you had to do behind the scene to ensure that stranded Nigerians were evacuated?

    The first thing was that when we started out, the Nigerians outside the country were not seen as part of the immediate problem that we had to face. We had what became a pandemic coming into Nigeria, so all eyes were on how to secure the Nigerian air space, our people and all the people within Nigeria, So, all the strategies, medicals, structures that we needed to put in place was where the focus was, and that was where the funding was geared towards. It was only later that it became apparent that there was a significant number of Nigerians around the world who were stuck outside the country when there was a lockdown; our airspace in particular. We had no precedent to work from. It was a completely new situation and there was no funding.

    Ideally, it was an emergency and we would have brought them back free of charge. We have an agency, the Nigeria Emergency Management Agency (NEMA), which normally is there with funding to help Nigerians with emergency situations. This was a new situation. The funding just was not there to bring them back. Also, we had to arrange with air carriers to see to the logistics, finding the carriers, arranging with countries for air carriers to come in, and putting in place mechanisms with the missions to engage with the Nigerians in those countries.

    So, it was a logistical nightmare putting in place the whole structure to address this. We were learning as we went along because we had no idea. We had never experienced anything like this and with minimal resources, so we had to quickly develop a protocol for passengers to reach out to missions and then the health protocol side of it. We had to find hotels here because they had to be quarantined for two weeks. So it was another big challenge.

    Initially, hotels were not very keen to be turned into isolation centres. Then, of course, the whole medical processes needed to be put in place in those hotels to adapt them to containing people who may be infectious. It was also another major challenge finding hotels, and since we did not have funding, with the passengers needing to pay for themselves to come in. At one time, we did not have funds to pay for the hotels. But in the end, we managed to find some funding to pay the hotels so that Nigerians would not have to bear that cost. And it turned out that these Nigerians had been outside for a long time and lots of them had exhausted the funds that they had before we were able to start the process of evacuating them.

    The demand was far greater, that is, the number of people who wanted to come back was far greater than the flights we had in place. Then, of course, the protocols when they arrived was such that we couldn’t bring them all back at once but only in small batches because a lot of our medical and human capacities were being deployed around the country, managing the cases that were coming up. But we needed airport and port health people to check passengers on arrival and to arrange for them to go to the hotels. So you see it was a huge operation and we did not have the human resources to deal with it. So it was a major challenge. But as time went on, we began to understand, more and more, what needed to be done. The embassies themselves also began to understand what needed to be done.

    We met with some difficulties. Some of our carriers were not allowed to go to some countries to pick Nigerians who were stranded there, so we needed to find alternatives. It was not easy at all. We did the best that we could under the very difficult circumstances. And then some people came up to help us, and that was what saved us at the end of the day, because we reached the point where we didn’t have the funding to pay two weeks accommodations in the hotels. We negotiated low prices for the hotels in Lagos and Abuja and it was a bit of a problem. I want to again express here our profound thanks to the CBN and its governor who agreed to come up with the funding to continue and to enable us to pay for the quarantine tools to quarantine everybody that came in14 days in the hotels. Also, I cannot thank enough the GMD of NNPC who also came up with funding to match the CBN, and the two of them really made it possible for us to continue. If not it could have been a total disaster.

    So many people said that they did not have money coming back; that they had spent all their money outside to pay for hotels. Also, we have to thank Aliko Dangote and Herbert Wigwe and others. Because when even the NNPC and CBN saw what the cost was going to be continuous paying for all those people coming into hotels, and they saw that it was not sustainable and we now had to change our protocols to say that people should no longer be compulsorily quarantined in hotels but could now self isolate at home. But before that, they needed to be tested but the government did not have the capacity to put the PP in place to carry out this test, Dangote, Wigwe and others in private sectors came together and brought together companies that could carry out the testing. That enabled us to save the cost of paying for hotels. People just went straight home and they absorbed the cost of the testing for them.

    So, by God’s grace, we were able to get through the evacuation phase, and now, of course, we have moved on to the limited opening of our airspace. So the evacuation phase has ended and it is now, in principle, every man for himself as before. But also in the middle of all that, we had to face other realities, unfortunately, of trafficked girls and people around the place, and then deportees, convicts and ex-convict Nigerians. We had to bring them back. Of course, those categories of people did not have the money. Nevertheless, we went ahead and brought them back from Lebanon, Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates and Mali by road, and some are waiting in Ethiopia and Tanzania. That was also another different kind of challenge, which is still going on because we are still bringing back some people from Lebanon and from the UAE and these other countries.

    Let us look at your personal experience with Covid-19. When you tweeted that you tested positive after the third test, someone asked why the frequent testing. Were you suspecting something? What was your first reaction when you tested positive?

    No, I had three tests before. The first test was actually more like a tracing, because the Chief of Staff to the President had it and I had been in meetings where he was present. So, we looked at the contacts that the person might have had. For that reason, I tested. That was the first one. The second test was when he very sadly passed on and was to be buried. I went to the house to comfort the family and a lot of people were there. We went to the burial site, so, of course, there was an outcry that it was against the social distancing rules and protocols. So, I did a test after that. Then my third test was because they then introduced a protocol for the PTF members to be testing regularly. So I did the third test as a PTF member.

    One day, I came into the office in the morning and I felt a tickle in my throat, almost as if I was about to have a sore throat. So I asked for throat lozenges and I was in the office for the whole day. When I got home in the evening, I had a little chill. I took a hot shower and I had a little flatter in my chest, which was another symptom that I had. My head was a little heavy; not really a headache, but it was just a bit cloudy and I also felt a little joint pain like that malaria discomfort. So I ‘googled’ and found that each one of them was a possible symptom of Covid-19. I then decided, it was on a Friday, to ask for a test on Saturday. But on that Saturday, all those symptoms were gone. The only symptom there was this throat that was slightly congested. So I had the test and I kind of felt it that it could be Covid-19, especially with all those symptoms I had the day before.

    So when I woke up on Sunday morning, I saw a call I had missed on Saturday night from DG, NCDC. When I saw a message saying please call me, I knew that something was amiss, because the previous three times, I would only get a text message the following day, saying ‘negative’. This time, for him to call the same day the test was taken, and I say fortunately, I missed the call, as I would not have slept well that night. But when I saw it in the morning, saying call me, I was 99% certain that I was positive. So I called him, but I didn’t get him. I called him again about three times, then he finally called me at about 11 in the morning and said, unfortunately, that was the case.

    I was kind of prepared for it by then. I knew it was going to come because of that message. Funny enough, it still surprises me till today that I was not too anxious. I think, for me, what would have made me a bit anxious was my breathing, but my breathing was very clear. I had no problem breathing. It would have been a bit more scaring if I could feel that I was not breathing much. But since I was breathing perfectly and all the other symptoms were gone, I was not feeling anxious at all. I asked him if I should stay at home and someone from NCDC came and advised me to go into isolation. So I said no problem. They were already starting to get all worried and I went into isolation.

    Again, when I went in on that day, the first thing they did was to test my oxygen level, and it was 99 per cent. They were surprised that that it was so high at my age. The only thing that went up, which could have been because of anxiety, was my blood pressure. So, as I said, because I was well, I didn’t have fever, I didn’t have anything, I was not coughing, just a little tickling in the chest, so I felt reasonably okay. They brought the blood pressure down with some medications and I was okay. I went jogging about two or three days later and I was perfectly well. No other symptoms came back. Those first nights of shiver were gone and it was, just like I said, clearing of throat with little mucus coming out, and that was it.

    I was very relaxed in isolation. All my testing in the morning and all the vital signs were all fine. So, it was now just the question of the medications that I took. And, of course, that was when I also found that so many people that I knew had had it, because they were now all calling me to tell me that they had had it, do this, take this and all of that. My doctor said that everything was okay now, but the critical point was the seventh day to the tenth day, because you never know how the virus can change directions. Although everything is perfectly okay, it is only after the tenth day that you can now be sure it is not going to escalate and become worse. So we did a test after the seventh day, which I thought was a bit early, because I could still feel something in my throat and it was still positive. Then we did another test on the twelfth day, and by this time, people were recommending all kinds of funny things and it was still positive after the twelfth day. Then I did another one.

    So, after the twelfth day test, normally it is 14 days, the doctors said in any case, the virus would have died by the tenth day and you would not be infectious anymore. Sometimes, one does the test and it catches only the dead DNAs of the virus. Some people, who were in worse conditions than mine, came in and left after the twelfth day, but mine was still positive and yet I hardly had any symptoms. Then I was wondering what was going on. I did another test after 19 days and I was still positive. But that 19th day one, I still had a little thing in my throat, just a tickle, and not all the time; just once a while, I was still coughing. So the 19th day one, since it had not gone completely but on the twentieth day, I actually felt it had disappeared.

    I had said after my 19th day I would stay for one week, since they were coming to test on the 21st day some other people. I said let me just do it since I had nothing to lose. I did it on the 21st day and I was very surprised when it came out negative.

  • When deception is an issue in relationship

    When deception is an issue in relationship

    By Rois Ola

    Earlier this week, I got a call from a very good female friend and she asked me some questions on when it would be okay for a woman or man to lie to their partner. I refused to directly respond to her question. I haven’t been blessed with telling lies and getting away without punishments. So I would rather just say the truth.

    There is no time lying is okay , no time, it always comes out , and lying to someone close to you hurts them and hurts you. Whatever one’s stance is on open versus closed relationships, the most painful aspect of infidelity is often the fact that someone is hiding something so significant from their partner?  And hiding those things eventually destroys trust.

    Two adults can agree to whatever terms of a relationship they like, but the hidden part  of  going against the agreement is what makes an act a betrayal in terms of an affair or hiding other sensitive information is highly unethical. So most times when people get angry when a partner cheats, it is not because of the affair, but because of actions that lead to it, the secrets and lies that build gradually around the affair.

    Lying is a very dangerous behavior, especially when infidelity is involved. It shatters trust and reality, spoiling any positive aspect of your relationship. Deception may be the most damaging aspect of infidelity. It all leads to sad realizations for the deceived partner, knowing or finding out that you have been living a secret life.

    When you go through great lengths to deceive anyone, it shows how your level of moral decadence has hit you. Keeping a damaging secret destroys your partner’s sense of reality, although we do not have control over their emotions. It is true that feeling an attraction or falling in love may be experiences that are out of our control, but we do have control over whether we act on those emotions, and being honest about taking those actions is key to having a relationship based on real substance.

    When we teach children that it is wrong to lie, and yet as older people we do exactly what we ask them not to do, who are we deceiving? The lines on telling lies and deception blur, as we get older, always finding excuses to keep the lies and deceptions justified. Most times, we get close to someone without setting boundaries. The issues we carry from our past weigh a lot on our behaviour and actions. Some habits are harmful and destroy things for both partners. At the end of the day, jealousy, possessiveness and insecurity can cause many problems with our partners.

    Read Also: I lost five-year relationship over my music career – Ogyny

    Once you start compromising yourself or denying who you are, then you are no longer living in reality of what your relationship is about. You need to first of all be honest with yourself and your partner. Lies will come up. The truth is we need to make honest decisions about our lives and not compromise our integrity. This is not to say that people should not expect their partners to be faithful, but rather that couples should try to maintain an open and honest dialogue about their feelings and their relationship. Anything less than this will cause resentment.

    When we treat our partners with respect and honesty, we are true not only to them, but to ourselves.  If your partner can trust you, then they will be open enough to tell you their true feelings about yourself and others you may be attracted to. The more transparent you are, the better it is for you and your partner. The more you open up, the healthier you become in your relationship with your partner and other people. Conversely, the more comfortable we become with keeping secrets, the more likely we become to tell bigger and bigger lies.

    For any relationship to be healthy, it has to be built on truth and honesty. Real freedom comes from making a choice on how you treat your partner, choosing to be honest every single day and keeping it real. Deception is one thing that should never be accepted or tolerated in a relationship.

    There are so many types of deceptions (1) omission; (2) distortion; (3) half-truths; (4) blatant lies; (5) white lies; and (6) failed lies. Respondents rated their own and their partner’s use of each type of deception in terms of frequency. Whichever one is used at any point in time should never be accepted. It has a drastic impact on any relationship as the cycle of lies deepens.

    It destroys trust

    Possibly the most noticeable effect that deception has on a relationship is the washing-away of trust; trust cannot co-exist with falsehood; it crumbles. Trust is the pillar of any relationship. Once it crumbles, then that may be the end.

    One lie leads to another lie

    When you start telling small lies, it eventually leads to bigger lies. A destructive cycle may become difficult to break, when you get used to it. In addition, you need to keep up with the lies to cover previous lies. It is indeed a tough one.

    It leads to poor health

    When you deceive so much, it will eventually tell on your health.

    With all this being said, lies and deception go hand in hand. Deception only brings pain, distrust and eventually doom because lies and deception can never stay hidden forever. The truth will, for sure, come out one day. So the best is being honest with your partner to have a healthy relationship because only the truth can set you free.

  • Are you in an abusive relationship?

    Are you in an abusive relationship?

    By Vera Chidi-Maha

    According to research findings, many domestic violence victims refuse to speak up because they fear being judged and pressured by others.

    Years back, a video of domestic violence by Ray Rice and NFL linebacker dragging his fiancee, Janay Palmer, out of an elevator went viral and subsequently, he was accused of domestic violence.

    He was formerly charged. In a twisted turn of events, he and his fiancee got married. The very next day, the waves of outrage that followed caused NFL to scramble, interestingly to increase their punishment of Ray Rice and conduct an internal review of other domestic violence policies.

    The wife organised a press conference in defence of her now husband, apologising for her role in the abuse. People in general questioned her sanity, wondering why she would stay with a man that knocked her unconscious and even dared to defend him.

    O.J. Simpson, who had a legal history of physically abusing, stalking and making death threats towards Nicole Brown, his estranged wife, was arrested and charged with murder. He was acquitted of all charges, but was found liable for both the deaths of his late estranged wife and her boyfriend in a civil lawsuit in 1997.

    In the letter that later surfaced after her death, Nicole Brown Simpson narrated the abuse and torment she faced in her husband’s hands. Yet, she stayed for so long until she could no longer bear it. Eventually, when she got the courage to live, he stalked, hunted and killed her in cold blood. Monster in a human skin, he thought his expensive lawyers could get him out so easily because of his juicy career. He eventually lost it all just because he couldn’t control his temper.

    The very recent incident which inspired this piece is the story of Sylvester Ofori, the Ghanaian pastor who shot his wife to death after five years of covered domestic violence.

    Ofori shot Tommey many times and immediately fled the scene. He was later arrested by detectives of the Orlando Police Department. Police said a warrant was served at the suspect’s apartment and Ofori taken into custody. “You can tell that she’s trying to get inside (the credit union). Unfortunately, he killed her,” Police Chief Orlando Rolon said.

    Read Also: Role of trust in relationship?

     

    The two survivors of domestic violence I know are Mrs E and Mrs O. One is my aunt and the other is my friend. The story of Mrs E is a case of inferiority complex on the part of her husband. He beat her up at the slightest provocation. He beat her for not cooking on time. He beat her for children making noise. He beat her for not opening the door on time whenever she got back from work. He beat her for any and every reason until she left the marriage and never looked back. He pleaded to get her back in tears on his knees. He brought his family members to beg too, but she never looked back. Today, she is a happy woman living with her children and grandchildren.

    Mrs O’s husband began to beat her the moment he discovered she could not give him a male child after she had their third daughter. The beating continued until his female children began to graduate one after the other.

    The first graduated and became a doctor, the second daughter became a lawyer and the third daughter is still in her 300 Level.

    On the day of the doctor’s wedding, her father was very proud of her.

    Today, my dear friend is happy being a single mother. She had chosen life over death. Problem is sometimes the society adds to the problems the victims are facing, especially in Nigeria. Victims are stigmatised and labelled prostitutes when women decide to leave their abusive partners and opt for single life.

    There are so many other reasons victims remain in abusive relationships.

    Distorted thoughts

    Being controlled is traumatising and this leads to confusion, doubts and even self- blame. Perpetrators harass and accuse victims.  Some women even believe they deserve it. Some don’t believe verbal abuse is domestic violence because there are no scars.

    Waiting to be a saviour

    Some victims believe they can change perpetrators. Some stay on and die.

    Fear

    Some are just too scared to walk away. Too afraid to move on and leave the known for the unknown.

    Children

    So many victims stay because of their children. What happens to the kids?

    Family expectations and experiences

    People will make fun of you. My sister, run!

    In conclusion, my counsel is stop trying to fix an abuser. Most of them will not stop once they start.

    If you are in an abusive relationship, please run!

  • Outrage in Lagos community as hoodlums shoot 25-yr-old man dead

    Outrage in Lagos community as hoodlums shoot 25-yr-old man dead

    The killing of a youth in the New Oko-Oba suburb of Lagos State by yet to be identified hoodlums has sparked an outrage as community leaders fingered a hotel as the hideout of the suspected hoodlums; an allegation the hotel’s owner denied, reports KUNLE AKINRINADE.

    There has been tension on Osho Street in New Oko-Oba part of Ojokoro Local Council Development Area, Lagos State since some gunmen shot a youth named Segun Ogunmodede dead penultimate Thursday.

    The incident occurred around 8 pm when some men allegedly pursued 25-year-old Ogunmodede to a spot in front of Soulmate Hotel and killed him.

    Other residents were said to have run for dear lives as the rampaging gunmen fired sporadic shots and also attacked bystanders who were returning home from work.

    Some community leaders were said to have contacted the nearby Oko-Oba Police Division to ask the police to contain the gunmen.

    The gunmen were said to have fled on sighting some operatives of anti-robbery and anti-cultism teams led by the Divisional Police Officer (DPO) of Oko Oba Division, Sylva Chinedu, a Chief Superintendent of Police (CSP).

    Sources told The Nation that the killing was a fallout of the supremacy battle between members of the rival Aye and Eiye cults in the neighbourhood.

    The cultists were said to have tried to take Ogunmodede’s body away but abandoned it when policemen arrived at the scene.

    A source who pleaded anonymity for security reasons said: “It was as if a war was going on in the neighbourhood when the boys fired gunshots sporadically unchallenged. I was returning from an errand when I saw people running helter-skelter and asking me to go back.

    “The shooting lasted more than 20 minutes. I hid in the house of a friend on the street while the shooting lasted. By the time policemen arrived at the scene, the victim was lying in a pool of his blood in front of the hotel, and the hoodlums fled as soon as the minions of law alighted from their patrol van.”

    However, tension is brewing in the community over the killing, as community leaders and residents see it as the height of lawlessness and violent attacks on residents of the area.

    Concerned residents who spoke with The Nation regretted that the hotel’s management had not done anything to discourage cult members from using its facilities as a hideout to disturb the peace of the area.

    According to the residents, the boys usually gather at a spot in front of the hotel from where they attack and rob innocent residents on a regular basis.

    They explained that all the efforts made by the leadership of the community to make the hotel’s management beef up security around its facilities in order to flush out the boys had been futile.

    A landlord in the area, Adejare Oluwafemi, explained that suspected cultists, cyber fraudsters otherwise called Yahoo Boys, and Indian hemp smokers have turned the area into their safe haven, using the hospitality outfit as a shield to further their nefarious activities.

    A source who did not want her name in print said: “All of us (residents) have been living peacefully here until a few years ago when the hotel berthed in the community.

    “The result now is that we can no longer sleep with our two eyes closed.

    “The boys usually flock around a spot in front of the hotel even in broad daylight where they harass passers-by and often dispossess them of valuables forcibly.

    “At times, residents who come outside to buy grocery items are harassed and robbed by the armed youths. We have contacted the police, especially in Oko Oba Division, to save us from the grip of these armed youths, all to no avail.”

    Not a few residents, according to a landlord in the area, have been robbed in the early hours while rushing to work.

    “The community has known no peace since the hotel was built several months ago. Unlike before, people cannot go out early in the morning for fear of being robbed of their valuables or mobbed by armed boys who always storm the area in the wee hours to launch an attack on innocent residents.

    “We have complained to the owner several times, asking him to chase these boys away from the vicinity of the hotel, all to no avail.

    “We are urging the authorities to help us flush out these boys from this neighbourhood because residents have been relocating from this community for fear of becoming victims.”

    A suya (roast meat) seller, who asked not to be named, said he had been robbed of his money by the hoodlums on several occasions.

    He said: “The boys would eat my suya without giving me money, and if I protested, they would bring out cutlass and pistol to threaten me, hence I decided to leave the area after reporting the matter to the Baale (community leader)”

    A titled chief in the community, Ajani Olutade, said the Community Development Association (CDA) had written several letters to the hotelier, but he would not yield to the community’s request that the boys should be dislodged from the frontage of his hotel.

    “Despite the several letters we wrote to him, he shunned our summons while the police have not been helpful in dealing with boys.

    “We are, therefore, calling on the Lagos State Government and the police authorities to save us from these mindless criminals who have made life unbearable for us,” Olutade said.

    When  The Nation visited the palace of the Baale of Orile Egbiriland, Chief Samuel Adegboyega, who is the traditional ruler overseeing the community, described Ogunmodede’s killing as the height of lawlessness in the area and a sad commentary on the security of lives and property.

    Adegboyega, who was installed Baale about five years ago, explained that the community had written several letters to the Oko Oba police division, the Lagos Police Command and several other police formations to help rein in the hoodlums terrorising the community, but without any positive result.

    Adegboyega said: “We engaged in vigilance services for four years here without any problem. There was a time we embarked on a surveillance of the entire community and what we found was terrifying as hoodlums were sighted in parts of the community.

    “We then wrote several letters to the Divisional Police Officer (DPO) of Oko Oba Division, Lagos Police Commissioner (CP) and Area Commander. The CP sent a team here to ascertain the content of our petition and we took them round the community.

    “There was a day I warned the hoodlums to steer clear of my domain but they have refused to go.”

    The Baale explained that the owner of the hotel had been contacted on the issue several times and he promised to step up security around the hotel.

    He said: The hotel owner is an unassuming person and has not been involved in any unpleasant thing here.

    “Initially, he bought the house for residential purposes. But he changed his mind when he saw that the road was going to be tarred.

    “There was a time the youth leader went to the place with his team to flush out the hoodlums, but they returned afterward.

    “What I want the hotel owner to do is to ensure that the hoodlums don’t converge on its entrance to disturb the peace of the community, otherwise, the hotel would have to be relocated from this neighbourhood.” He added: “We are calling on the local council authorities, the state police command and other relevant security agencies to come to our aid by dislodging these hoodlums from the community, especially from the frontage of the hotel.”

    However, the hotelier, Victor Adeyemo, said the incident had nothing to do with his hotel.

    In a telephone conversation with our correspondent, Adeyemo explained that Ogunmodede was killed by suspected cultists outside his hotel and the victim’s body was subsequently evacuated by men of Oko-Oba Police Division.

    He said: “The incident happened at a spot outside my hotel when some cultists killed a man. Policemen from Oko-Oba Division were also here and they took the victim’s body away. The hotel has no link with the violence at all.

    Confirming the incident via a text message, the spokesman of Lagos Police Command, Mr. Muyiwa Adejobi said: ‘’The case of Segun Ogunmodede has since been transferred to the State Criminal Investigation Department (SCID), Panti, Yaba, Lagos, while the corpse was deposited at the morgue of Mainland Hospital, Yaba, for autopsy.”

  • Sunny Ade not my son’s father — Dokpesi’s daughter Homto

    Sunny Ade not my son’s father — Dokpesi’s daughter Homto

    Homto Dokpesi is a woman of many parts from painting to designing and project management. The daughter of AIT founder, Chief Alegho Raymond Dokpesi, who bagged a degree in Accountancy from the Igbinedion University in Okada, Edo State before proceeding to the University of Westminster, UK for her Master’s degree, dispels her rumoured affair with juju music maestro, King Sunny Ade, in this interview with PAUL UKPABIO, explaining the circumstances in which her marriage crashed and how she became pregnant and had a son outside wedlock.

    How does one describe you; an entertainer or a designer?             

    I am a multi-talented, multiple award winning serial entrepreneur who is proficient in the economics of international business; a project manager, fashion designer, author and writer.

    Who has influenced your life the most between your father and mother?

    I would never place one influence over the other, so I would rather say they have both influenced me in life, and I have sure grown to be very proud of the woman I have become. What kind of lifestyle would you say you had as a child?

    Although I was born into an opulent family, I was raised to live the simple life. That is why I can adjust easily to anything life throws at me. Good days, bad days, happy days and sad days, Homto is still very okay.

    How did you derive your instincts for creativity, and what kind of things do you create?

    My creative talent, I would say, is simply and directly from Almighty God. Once I think it, I sure would create it. I make bags, suitcases, clothes, sneakers, sandals, body cram and lotion, bath gels and bar soaps. I recycle used tyres and old plastic bottles into pieces of furniture and chandeliers.

    You also write books. What inspires your stories?

    Yes, there are four books I have authored, I write short stories which I am developing into theatrical plays for viewing, by God’s grace, in 2021. I also do research writing for a United Kingdom based company I also rewrite for. My stories are inspired from the day to day activities that go on around me or from people I know.

    Were you affected in anyway by polygamy? Was life still the same after your father took a second wife?

    Polygamy, I still believe, is the healthiest manner to raise a child. It gives a child a fair insight into the world and how it operates. If you can handle the politics of polygamy, trust me, the world would simply become your oyster to achieve even greater things. Polygamy though has its good and bad days. Sometimes the bad days are more than the good days and sometimes you learn to hold on to the good days whilst you wade through the bad days.

    It has given me a positive outlook on life and a desire to strive to be successful in all I set out to do. In Africa, we do not count wives or children, but I would say the life change that it has given me is the amazing siblings I am blessed with. Being able to throw a party with ourselves and still feel the bond and love, I would never trade anything for that.

    You grew up having a dad that is influential. Were you ever affected by his own issues and did they make you weaker or stronger?

    Yes, I have an influential dad. Life itself is full of issues and lack of them would only make life boring. Beyond the issues are the perks: the perks of having a surname you mention and doors open. You are singled out most times and treated specially. You have a surname that breaks every closed door and makes the unavailable available. His issues are only a part of life. Like my elders would say, you can never truly appreciate happiness until you have tasted sadness. The issues do not have any effect on me at all.

    How did you meet King Sunny Ade? He seems to keep appearing here and there in your life…

    King Sunny Ade had done a song in honour of my dad years ago. I think I was about five years old at the time and my name was mentioned in the song. I still get people saying to me, ‘Oh, this is the face of Homto from that KSA Song’.

    King Sunny Ade always plays in all of our events that I can remember. Even as far back as my dad’s 35th birthday. He performed at my village in Agenebode for my grandfather’s burial. He performed at my siblings’ weddings and even on my traditional wedding day. I met KSA through the influence of my dad.

    What can you say about your relationship with KSA? What kind of person is he?

    I do not know KSA personally aside from dancing to his songs on stage.

    Have you heard people insinuating that he could be the father of your son? What do you tell such people?

    Everyone is always looking for answers to their questions. Even though the father of my child is not in our lives, a decision he made which I choose to respect, my son knows who his father is, and the father knows he has a son. What more can I say? I would rather keep my private business private.

    Life can be stressful for a single mother. What has your experience been?

    Being a single mom is as beautiful as it can be thorny. I never truly knew what it entailed until I got into it. I must say it has been a wonderful experience bonding with an intelligent, handsome and smart child like my son. He reminds me so much of my dad. I would never trade the bond and love we share.

    As per stress (laughs), for a mom who dealt with an obsessive disorder, I could not let anyone touch him or come close to him. I immediately get jealous. It was really bad in the early days. I have never had a nanny for him in the last six years, and I have had to manage him, manage myself, manage my home, manage my businesses and still stay sane. When I look back, I know it can only be God.

    What led to the obsessive disorder of you not letting or wanting anyone touch him or come close to him?

    After childbirth, women, probably due to the magnitude of hormones in their system, suffer different fates. Some come up with post-partum depression, some do not suffer from anything at all and come out okay, whilst what I had is termed post-partum obsessive compulsive disorder.

    In this part of the world, mental health is still not regarded seriously. These are things women go through. Some find a channel to let it out while some do not! It is still regarded as “white people syndrome” but it happens to black women as well. I can only hope sooner than later we actually face the issues that we have rather than run from them or put them under a carpet so it does not put its head out.

    How old is your son? You seem to have passed the creative bug to him too…

    My son is six years old now. He keeps reminding me not to treat him like a baby anymore, he is a man now (laughs). He is more interested in fashion, modelling and photography. He would be on his first runway show next year.

    Sunny Ade and Homto
    Sunny Ade and Homto

    Do you look forward to marriage some day?

    Hmm, marriage (laughs). It is a good thing to find a confidant, a best friend, a ride or die who shares same values as my father. When I do find that person, then we can open that chapter.

    Tell us about your dream man?

    (Laughs) He does not exist.

    What lessons did you learn from your short time in marriage that you would like to share with spinsters and newly married ladies?

    I learnt that friendship is the most important ship you need to sail on the sea of life. Communication, understanding, tolerance and mutual respect should be the guiding anchor on the ship. It is not how long you courted before the marriage; it is how healthy the relationship is. That is what determines the success of that team, because at the end of the day, it is the team that has to make it work.

    Is love enough for marriage?

    In my opinion, love is a feeling that you have when you want to feel it with whom you want to feel it with at the time you want to feel it. I can decide to love five people in a day if I set my mind on it. So I do not believe love is a prerequisite for marriage, let alone it being enough.

    When another opportunity for marriage comes up, will the opinion of your son matter?

    The opinion of my son would matter greatly in any relationship, let alone marriage. My son is very protective so he needs to be comfortable with you. We all pray who ever we eventually choose as spouses would love our children much more than they even love us. So if I do not see the bond or your need to bond with my child, trust me, I do not count it as a relationship.

    What is your most valued beauty asset?

    My dark skin

    What else would you love to be that you are yet to?

    I would love to be the Senate President.

    Any regret so far?

    I live life very conscious of my decisions. I would never regret what made me happy at some point. So no regrets at all.

    There was this comment on social media where you were referred to as a rich girl. Do guys approach you because they see you as a rich lady?

    It was after I got into my previous marriage that I realised it was never love. It was all about being with Homto (Dokpesi’s daughter) for what she has, not who she is as a person.

    My ex-husband had issues, and when a man cannot deal with his issues, he starts abusing you physically, emotionally and mentally. I tried with him, it did not work. You know with men, once they come out and say a woman is barren, a lot of people believe it. He said I was barren. But my dad stood strong by me. That is why I owe my life to him. My dad paid for us to go to the UK to do tests. Afterwards, my baby’s father appeared. That’s why I do not hold grudges against my baby daddy, because he was the reason all the doubts on my fertility was put to rest. But in his own case, we had broken up for a while, and there were rumours of my dad being named the chief of staff to the then President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan. All of a sudden, he was back, and up until 12th of February we saw and spoke. He was well aware I had got pregnant. We discussed it and he promised coming to see my family.

    On the 14th of February 2014, a chief of staff was named, which was not my father, and my calls and messages from that day were never answered, even till this moment! These are brunts that we face; not because we are not good people but because we may never find people who love for who we are, but people who love for what one is worth or what they can gain out of one.

    So, I truly do not live in the minds of men or have an idea on what their thoughts and intentions are. But I am guarded on friendships and relationships, because at the end of the day, everyone has a reason for every action.

    I don’t have any. My only hope is to be able to aspire that as a young woman, no matter how life may have tilted your crown, it can still shine. As for my ex-husband, he realised his mistakes but it was too late. The same girl he referred to as barren, the same girl he made his family believe was not good, has turned around to have a child and is doing well in several businesses.

  • Are male politicians dinosaaurs?

    Are male politicians dinosaaurs?

    Nnedinso Ogaziechi

     

    If we are to go by the story of the creation, God created man and seeing that he needed help, made the woman. It is therefore funny that the same man that the creator found a helpmate for often try to relegate the woman to the background and ultimately gets overwhelmed by duties that ought to be shared by the two genders.

    Ironically, the same creative process runs through the multiplication of humans through procreation. Neither of the genders can bring about the birth of a regular human without the other. Technology and science can only go as far as we have seen. For now, a sperm and an egg are still needed for a fertilization to take place.

    It is therefore a descent to the abnormal that in modern leadership tussle around the world, some ill-informed men still assume a sense of entitlement and try everything to exclude women. However, ironically, in countries that have adopted democracy, more women vote at elections and the same men with a flawed sense of entitlement still seek the votes of women to win at the polls. Women are the most consistent, active and loyal voting bloc in the world.

    However, the idea of relegating women to the background in leadership is neither socially nor economically profitable for any nation. African women especially had always provided leadership in pristine times before the colonial masters came with the idea of ‘housewives’ because their wives where pretty much idle at home.

    The legendary amazons of Dahomey and the various legendary queens in Africa all provided political and economic leadership to complement the men too. There were complimentary leadership styles for both genders and trouble started when the men decided to appropriate the political and economic spaces and to deal women some tokenism.

    This trend is an obvious ill-wind that blows no one any good as the economies of the crassly patriarchal societies tend to show, more poverty and social ills hold down the economies of such nations and Nigeria is a good example.

    The Roundtable Conversation had the Honorable Commissioner for Women Affairs and Poverty Alleviation in Lagos state, Cecelia Bolaji Dada, an astute administrator/politician. She was in the Lagos State Sports Commission and later became an executive secretary before being elected as the Vice Chairman for Apapa Local Government for two terms.  As an award-winning Vice Chairman of a local government, she believes that women have nothing to fear when they are competent and ready to work to develop their communities and nation.

    To Bolaji, competence has no gender and the readiness to serve is personal to everyone. She believes that very often, some women show defeatist attitude when it comes to political participation but she believes that mentorship by the few women who are already in politics must be taken more seriously. In her days as Vice Chairman of Apapa Local government, mentoring younger women was a passion for her and the dividends have been huge. It is important for women to first have confidence in themselves, be disciplined enough to earn respect of everyone and be ready to show the full female capacity in multi-tasking. Neither your work nor the home must be shortchanged if you are a focused human being.

    Planning must be key for women not just in politics but in all spheres of life that they find themselves. Be able to speak up, be able to stand against the men. The fact of life is that most  insecure men are intimidated by brilliant and confident women so they try to frustrate the women so that they will give up because the dictum that what a man can do a woman can do better is not a ruse. Women must be ready to show competence at all levels. There is no position that a determined woman cannot creditably handle.

    The mentorship of young women must be a priority for all women and even men because a well-educated and empowered woman can move mountains. Politics is for everyone and it is ironic that while men lay claim to leadership, women are the real voters and if they are discerning enough to vote, they must be capable of leading too. Political positions should not be an exclusive of men and that is where kudos must go to the past and present governors of Lagos state she says.

    Lagos state is very much ahead of other states when it comes to women inclusion in both elective and appointive positions in the state. The governor, Babajide, Sanwo-Olu recently won the ‘HE for SHE’ Ambassador Award  from an NGO for making his government very inclusive as quite a number of women are in his cabinet and those in the civil service including the judiciary that deserve to be promoted to Permanent Secretaries or appointed as judges equally get their promotions unlike what happens in most other states that the governors tend to play to the gallery whipping up either religious of cultural sentiments that exclude women and deny them what is due them.

    To the Commissioner, the number of women in elective and appointive positions in Lagos state even though there is still room for improvement stands as a morale booster for women to seize the moment and realize that they must step up and participate and not wait to be handed power just because they are women. The political terrain requires a great sense of duty and discipline. Women must stand up to the men with their dignity intact and not be intimidated by name-calling and all those mischievous tags some men use to intimidate women out of politics.

    Leadership is about integrity and any man or woman that shows integrity would always have a seat at the table. Bolaji insist that women must desist from the pull-her-down syndrome that empower men. The idea of seeing women in politics as women of easy virtue empowers the men. In most cases, men are empowered to call female politicians names because most often the women who are not in politics yield to the male blackmail of women. When looked at critically, if a woman is accused of being of easy virtue just because she insists on meeting men at the barricades and defying their mischievous nocturnal meetings by attending same, who are her partners if not the same men?

    She believes women must come together and support the women who are providing leadership either as elected or appointed public servants.  To her, planning for women must be key. Neither the home nor the work should be neglected because women are nurturers. Politics should not affect the home or parenting skills because nature has endowed women with the capacity to multi-task brilliantly.

    She believes that support from discerning men who know the capacity of their partners also helps and that is why she believes that women must marry or be in a relationship with men who would always support their interests progressively no matter the field. She observes that in her case for instance, it was even her husband that motivated her to be an active politician and that support has made all the difference in her administrative and political journey. In mentoring younger ladies, she points out that each woman must be in a relationship with a partner they can communicate effectively with because that is the foundation for trust and counts for a seamless relationship in future.

    It takes a very confident man to allow his wife or partner to attend the ‘intentional’ nocturnal meetings without feeling insecure. It all boils down to a mutual sense of trust and loyalty for partners to trust each other. To her, the main issue to her is, the idea of blackmailing female politicians by the society is a cultural tool of oppression. She believes that no profession corrupts anyone. People decide their moral compass irrespective of their profession or political activities. People still accuse doctors, nurses, actors, bankers, traders, even full time housewives whose husbands are insecure would still complain.

    Having been in government since the year 2000, she knows and has observed enough to realize that women are the ones holding themselves back. Being the only woman on the board of the Lagos State Sports Council, then Secretary to Apapa local government then to the vice Chairmanship position for two terms and other political experiences along up till now as a Commissioner in Lagos along other very strong and active women makes her conclude that if only women can dream it, they can achieve it because women are pillars for nation building.

    Appointive posts do not make you a politician, starting from your communities and wards should be the initial steps to build your political growth on. Politics must be taken from the bottom up not the other way round. Most times some women assume they can just jump out and become a governor or president, no, the men will always beat you to it because they often are the ones going from their wards to the pinnacle which is the Presidency. Women must realize that participatory democracy is about numbers and not a sentimental gender issue.

    The take away from this conversation is that men are not the political dinosaurs that most women often assume. The decision to be politically involved should be made for development by women who do not have to wait to be handed power on a platter. Mentorship is key for women.  Most men in or out of politics would support any serious minded woman able and ready to serve. A partner’s support for a woman is an addition and that should often inform choices of a partner. Lagos state leads in women inclusiveness in governance.

    What are other states up to? The dialogue continues…

  • Brighten your look with pink

    Brighten your look with pink

    Kehinde OLULEYE

     

    HOT pink trend is all over the place. Everyone, from Nancy Isime and Funke Akindele to your favourite celebs on Instagram, are rocking it.

    Pink is one colour that is common in every fashionista’s wardrobe, and it never goes out of style.

    Pink fashion accessories are great in brightening up any look. If your outfit feels boring, a bright pink accessory will perk it up.

    This feminine colour is super chic and an ultimate wardrobe essential.

    To make it your choice for formal events and other occasions, check out how some of your favourite celebrities are styling their pink outfits.

    Hot Pink Dress
    Hot Pink Dress
  • Why we can’t ban ‘agbero’ in Lagos – Hamzat

    Why we can’t ban ‘agbero’ in Lagos – Hamzat

    Lagos State Deputy Governor, Obafemi Hamzat, clocked 56 on September 19. To mark his birthday, he met with journalists and shared the story of his life, his encounter with Asiwaju Bola Ahmed Tinubu in the United States, how he joined party politics, the Lagos State Government’s efforts to tackle crime, traffic congestion, among others. ROBERT EGBE was there. Excerpts

    The Lagos State Government banned commercial motorcycles from some roads recently and it threw many people out of work. Is the government considering re-permitting them to continue? There was also a rumour that the state was trying to set up its own commercial motorcycle business. Can you shed light on these?

    We are not trying to set up our own. If you recall, we have a traffic law of 2010 that actually restricted ‘okadas’ (commercial motorcycles) and ‘Keke Maruwa’ (commercial tricycles) from 475 roads in Lagos. All the major high roads, expressways like the Lagos-Badagry, Funsho Williams, Alfred Rewane, and the bridges: Third Mainland Bridge and so on and so forth. So, that has always been there. What happened is that we went back to that, but we were as well noticing three things; the first is the usage of these tools by criminals, and secondly is even the rate of accidents. We have 27 general hospitals and close to 2500 private hospitals. But, forget about the private hospitals; for public hospitals, we were seeing enormous deaths on the average of 20 in a month, because of ‘Okada’ accident, not just injury but death. So, the question was what should we do? Also, a report by the National Drugs Law Enforcement Agency (NDLEA) stated that ‘Okada’ was being used for gang activities and that even primary school pupils were being used to carry drugs. So, no government will wait and say because people are making gain, the fact is you have to be alive to make money. If we had ignored the corruption of our children in primary school without doing anything, we would have been wrong. So, the ban was more because of security and protection of the environment and you would have noticed that it was not even across the state; it was for areas we were seeing that surge. One of the things we did was the release of the Bus Rapid Transit (BRT) buses. Very soon, small buses will come in and then, of course, taxis. So, in building the taxis, one of the things we are trying to do is, how do we make sure that we are actually having production in Nigeria? So, we are talking to two companies and very soon you will see activities. How do we get vehicles that are made in Lagos and carrying Lagos’ name? The cars being produced here; we have our children working there, and we are also learning. So, it was more of building a bigger cake and stopping crime.

    It is interesting you mentioned crime because one of the problems commercial motorists are confronted with daily is the issue of ‘agbero’. Drivers complain about their extortion and so on. No matter what the government does, it seems it has not been able to solve that problem. What are the current efforts towards that?

    We have all agreed that we live by the constitution and laws. The National Union of Road Transport Workers (NURTW) is actually a union recognised by law. I know some people say ban them, but the government must also be careful. When you just say arbitrarily ban them, what stops you from saying I want to ban Nigerian Medical Association (NMA)? Do you understand? There are times government and NMA have issues; does that mean they should be banned? They are expressing their opinion. They might be wrong or right but they have the right to express those opinions. And then remember these people (NURTW) are Nigerians; they are our brothers and cousins. So, one of the things we have been telling them is that if you are the Chairman in Ajeromi and we see that there are all sorts of contraventions in Ajeromi, we will remove you as a Chairman. We are not banning your union but it means you are incompetent. So, that is the outcome of one of the meetings we had with them, that if there’s an infraction in any of the areas due to the executive in that area, then it should be dissolved. And then you know we complain about our society, why people fight on the road; we have all gone around the world and it is only here we see people fighting on the road and tearing clothes off themselves, why? That has to change, but changing that does not mean banning them. It is to make sure we find the time and interact with them, and say, ‘look this is how it works’. Remember during former (Governor Bola Ahmed) Tinubu’s administration when we started BRT; it was a tug of war, but we took the union to Colombia to see how the union there metamorphosed into owning the BRT and so a lot of those blue buses at that time were owned by the union. We said, ‘See you can send your children to school by this; this is a job you can say you are proud of.’ Surprisingly they paid back the loans for the buses quickly. The same thing is happening in the abattoir (business); people say they don’t want the machines, some of our brothers said it is un-Islamic that they want to kill the cow themselves. So, we went to Kenya and Tanzania and we saw Muslims killing in an automated way, and so they agreed. So, it is a matter of engaging people and letting them see the reason they need to change their attitude. That is our way of doing things, not just say put them away.

    The Apapa traffic congestion has been with us for decades now. What is the status of the efforts to decongest the area?

    It is a huge issue. One is that we (governments) have ‘concessioned’ our ports and that is something that is a legacy issue. In ‘concessioning’, there were mistakes. If you fly over the port you will see huge spaces that some of these trucks can go to, but it is a concessioner and you can’t just come and park in my own space. Those are the kinds of agreements that should have been part of the concessions that we did not do at that time as a people. Secondly, as an economy, we import a lot and don’t export much, so when these containers come in, let us say 3000 containers come in, probably only 200 go out. What happened to the remaining 2800 other containers? That is the challenge. At a time they were also charging them for not bringing back the containers. I think it is N15, 000 per day; so if I have 100 trucks and you charge me N15, 000 per truck and then I can’t bring it back for 10 days, you know that will kill those businesses. But also the Nigerian Ports Authority is a federal government institution, so we have to bring in the federal government. You can see that the governor and the Minister of Transportation recently came to Lagos. Those are parts of the efforts. We invited them to come and see the challenges and know what could be done. We have the Bola Ahmed Tinubu Trailer Park in Orile that was started some time ago, unfortunately, I think the proponents have gone into AMCON receivership, so, part of what we did was to reach an agreement with AMCON, NPA as well as the Lagos State Government whereby we can pay off those debts; that has just been finalised. Also, as I said, the BAT trailer park can take say, 3000 trucks at a time; so if they can park there, there can be a call-up system that takes them to Lilypond Terminal.  And then of course we are talking with the Ogun State Government in Sagamu so that as people come, they first park in Sagamu and then maybe there to Orile. So, it involves a lot of stakeholders like the Shippers’ Council and everybody. So I believe we will resolve it soon. The reality from my experience, though it depends on different countries, the 10km radius of the port is always the responsibility of the port, that is the reality. I mean go to places like Hamburg, Frankfurt, or anywhere. We must have those kinds of changes so that the environment will be served well. And then our ports have been built for long, and as people, we keep growing, so our population is much now that the port can no longer serve us conveniently. That is why the Lekki Port we are building, hopefully, it is going to finish soon and we can transfer some of these things there and hopefully to Badagry Port. When all of these come up, then we can conveniently say we have resolved the issue, because the truth is, Nigeria loses about $1.8billion on those things. This we ought to have done long before now, but thankfully we are doing it now.

    Your predecessors said there were plans to relocate the Mile 12 Market because it is causing serious traffic congestion on the Ikorodu Road. Is that still on the table?

    There’s a plan to move them to Imota, but like you know everything in life changes, and a lot of people are also asking us how easy will it be for them to get to Imota? Again you must engage people. But the Imota Market is under construction; it is about 1000 hectares but 500 hectares is currently under construction. We were also there about six months ago. By the time we finish it, certainly, some things will be moved. Some are saying we should move the cattle market alone, but, as I said, the decision will be reached at the right time and we can then properly plan the Mile 12 Market and build stores instead of the mode currently used.

    Some traders often complain that market leaders are imposed on them. They often refer to the Ìyál’ọ́jà and Babaloja systems. What is the state’s connection with this?

    First of all, you need to understand that we are Yoruba. In our culture, we have Ìyál’ọ́jà because that is us, that is our culture. So, every market in Yorubaland has them because a market is an assembly place for us as a people. From the historical perspective of the Yoruba, many things apart from buying and selling happen. So, historically we have Ìyál’ọ́jà and ‘ Babaloja. We do not want to change our culture; I mean since it is not harming anyone. So, if a culture is sustainable, I see no reason why we have to change it.

    I would like to take you back to the issue of motorcycles. Since the ban, has the crime rate reduced?

    Well, there are statistics and it depends on which one you believe. For instance, the 2006 census revealed that Lagos is about 9 million-plus, but our own local census came up with a different figure larger than that. Like the issue of life expectancy of Nigerians said to be between 48 and 51. The question is who did this survey? So they (statistics) are there but which one do you believe? Firstly, the police stations confirmed this, like at Oshodi for instance, we were having a meeting and the DPO (Divisional Police Officer) said, ‘look my cells are empty.’ And as well like I said our 27 general hospitals confirmed this too.

    At 56, what is your perspective of life?

    My perspective of life is a function of how my father raised me. My father is the type that does not talk much, but there is one thing he always said in Yoruba which is ‘ To ju iwa e, esan o gbo ogun’ that is if you do good in life, that is exactly what you will reap. It doesn’t matter the number of times you go to church or mosque. What age also does for you is that it allows you to see many Christmases, meaning you see many events to either confirm or go against your belief. I think for me as I age, it confirms exactly that. Just be your brother’s keeper because whatever you sow so you shall reap. So, for me, that is basically the essence and it carries across everything in life.

    We know Dr. Hamzat as a politician and a technocrat, how would you describe yourself?

    I am a human being, but like I said, we all get influenced by our environment, our parents, our uncles, our cousins. So things we do in life affect us. My father was a politician, but at first, he was a banker and spent a lot of years in the North. He was the Regional Manager for IBWA then, International Bank for West Africa which I think it is now Union Bank or so. So when he came back from the North, he went into politics in Lagos and was in the House of Assembly for a while before he became a commissioner. At that age, I noticed that my father would make me write long minutes of meetings even though they would have typed it with a typewriter; he would still ask me to go and write it. I did not know the intent at that time but it allowed me to read the minutes of elders. So, of course, you are influenced by that and you always have it in mind. At times when I came back from school, I meet thousands of people in meetings without my father. So you get used to that and know that this is how politics is, but I never had a plan of becoming a politician. All I wanted to become, of course, like every one of us, was to be well educated and succeed. That was exactly what I was doing until I technically met ‘Asiwaju’. I was lucky; I was young when I had my Ph.D. I had my Ph.D. at 26 and I started working in the United States. I finished in England, after which I got a post-doctoral job in Saudi Arabia in 1991 and then I came back home to spend two or three months before going back. Although I got another one in Canada in a place called Saskatoon, the university specifically. It is a very cold place. I remember then the Registrar of my school, Anna De Winter, came back and said Quadri, I am not sure you will like it. And I went for the interview and it was very cold and I said ‘I can’t live here.’ So, I turned that down thinking I would go to Saudi Arabia. That was when the Gulf War started and they cancelled the whole thing and so I became stranded. I had turned down the Canadian offer, so I went back to my school and I was lucky my professor, Professor Clark, was just leaving the school to go to the United States so I followed him and that was how I left academics. I did not stay long in academics. I went to City Bank, because for my PhD I did more of computer analysis than engineering. So, I started doing IT stuff. I went to Morgan Stanley. That is how I met ‘Asiwaju’ one day when we were having a meeting and he came in as the Governor of Lagos State, of course I had heard about him from my father but I had never met him. So, after the presentation and I was the only black person and he said ‘Ha! Femi Hamzat. Which Hamzat is yours?’ And I said from Lagos State. He said ‘You are the son of my leader? ‘ki ni iwo n se ni bi? (What are you doing here?) and I said I needed to survive, that is it. One of the reasons why it was easy for me to come back was that my father’s birthday is June 13 and by June 12 Abacha’s government would have arrested all of them. By the 8th, 9th, and put them wherever they wanted to put them. It was a bit discouraging and that is how I decided to go and that was how I met ‘Asiwaju’ and the rest, as they say, is history. He knew what I was doing and he wanted to be sure, and that is when Lagos State was doing ERP implementation, what people called ‘Óracle’. He said ‘You know we are doing this and you are doing it overseas, why don’t you come home and help us complete it?’ I did not initially take it seriously, but he was putting pressure that he needed people who had done it overseas and did it well to come and do it. But I now said ‘Sir, I like to work in the private sector not necessarily government and that is what I know.’ So he organised and I had an interview with Oando, MTN, and Oceanic Bank. So, Oceanic and Oando took me but I went to Oando and from Oando we started implementation successfully and he said ‘You need to come and help us in Lagos and that is how I became a commissioner.’

  • OYINKANSOLA ALABI: How Bimbo Odukoya mentored me

    OYINKANSOLA ALABI: How Bimbo Odukoya mentored me

    Oyinkansola Alabi, popularly known as the Emotions doctor is the Founder of Emotions City based in Texas, USA. In this encounter with Yetunde Oladeinde, she talks about  caring for people with emotional instability, writing her first book at 17 and being mentored by late Pastor Bimbo Odukoya.

    Tell us about the inspiration and how it all started?

    I have been on the journey for 17 years. I became an appointed pastor in July 2003, head of campus. Fellowship and I was pasturing one of the branches at that time. That was the beginning and when I finished school, I got back to Lagos to serve and I was ordained in church.

    You must have worked with late Pastor Bimbo Odukoya?

    Yes, I was one of her Protocol assistant. I have quite a handful of pictures with her on social media. I wrote a letter close to what would have been her 60th birthday, September 12th this year. I always say that there is really nothing I can really say that can encompass or encapsulate her personality.

    How did you meet her?

    It was when I wrote my first book at age 17 years and it was published on my 19th birthday titled the teenage Christian. I scribbled my thoughts and my mother packaged it as a birthday gift. So, Funmi Iyanda and Livi   Ajuonoma had invited me for interviews. So, I was getting into the studio and Pastor Bimbo was stepping out of the studio. That was my first time ever but I had always seen her and admired her. So, she looked at me and said: ‘you are the young lady they said wrote a book. At that point, writing a book was a big deal because there was no social media. She asked who I was and just liked me. Then, she said come to my church and let’s have a conversation. I went to the church and finally had access to her. As soon as she saw me, she said young author and that was the name she called me till she died. We got talking and it was the first time, someone said I am interested in mentoring you. She was my first mentor. I was in another church and then I started going to her church. It was two months after that that I became appointed as pastor, I started the fellowship, streams of life in the University and I was a powerful force to reckon with. I remember one day that the vice chancellor called me to meet with me and we were student pastors who knew what they were doing.

    Then Sosoliso crashed, it was the first time that I was hearing of Sosoliso. I never heard about the airline and then reality dawned on everybody. I spent three years with her and it was one of the best foundations I ever heard. She was a very kind person and when you say that you experienced God, she was a human being I particularly felt you could touch her love. When she needed to correct you, it was correction in love, not what people do now and attacks your self esteem. Pastor Bimbo always left you feeling better.

    I used to visit her tomb for three years, then I used to bike from my house in Mushin and tell the bike man to wait for me. I will be there for about 30 minutes and I did that for three years. Then the spiritual relocation and everybody moved on. So, by the time she was gone I knew that there were so many things that she needed to proud of, things I said I would do. The most important was me still being a Christian and holding unto God because that particular incident shook me. I couldn’t board a local flight for five years. I boarded international flights but I had distrust for local flights. I also lost my only uncle in DANA crash, my mum’s brother. So, while I was recovering from Sosoliso, thinking as a therapist, I could do all my stuff, DANA happened.

    At what point did you start caring about people’s emotions?

    From being a school leader, I had always been interested in studying human behavior. I later discovered that it was called psychology. My first degree is in International relations. So, I decided that I was going to do my MSc. but I couldn’t afford it immediately. I started and had to stop in a UK University. I then got into life coaching.  This looked like it but it wasn’t all that I was looking for, then I got into therapy, different schools, attending different courses. It was looking like it and finally I got into emotional intelligence. I went on to finish my Master’s and Doctorate is in progress. So, this is what I had always wanted to do, this is life. This is me in my natural zone. I have always wanted people to move from dissatisfaction to satisfaction, from meaningless to meaningful. I have always wanted to make people happy and fulfilled.

    How did you arrive at the name Emotion city?

    One of the things I did was to spend four years in Brand school and I have an idea of personal branding. I have a knack for creating names, names that are unique. I came up with the name Emotions doctor when I wanted to stop my MSc. But I had always wanted to be a doctor. So, I told myself that I needed to have a reminder in my head. I bought a stethoscope and I said every time I see the stethoscope, I would remind myself what I should do, what doctors, do.

    Talking about depression, COVID-19 brought a lot of cases, how do you come in here?

    I actually did a research report on the effect of COVID-19 on the emotional stability of Nigerians and also in Africa. COVID-19 was something we never experienced. The beginning of the word unhappiness is when your present reality does not align with your desired outcome. So, what this means is that what you are presently experiencing does not align with what you have projected, anticipated or desired. Disappointment is one of the ingredients of unhappiness. So, when COVID showed up we were all disappointed. We had just done our plans for the year and valentine. Valentine became quarantine and the world started reacting in different ways. It affected people’s jobs, attacking their spiritual and financial source. Sadly, we are in a country that is not service oriented. We are in a pandemic and you are increasing fuel price, electricity and dollar is increasing.

    You are also working on a trust fund to assist those who cannot afford care here. Tell us about this?

    Yesterday was my birthday and we launched a trust where we are going to be offering 80 percent free therapy for Nigerians. We will try and get people who appreciate people to invest in mental health. Targets are those who cannot afford it but they will pay 20 per cent. The reason for the 20 per cent is to value and appreciate what they are getting. It is your life, take responsibility for your life?

    A lot of young people are on drugs these days, what do you think is responsible for this?

    Every time I see that people take drugs, it is an effect not the cause. What that means is that drugs are a reaction to something. Something has fundamentally gone wrong and they are looking for options. There are people who cheat; it may not just be that something is wrong with their marriage. Their value may not be faithfulness. If at the beginning one of your value is faithfulness, you will try to fix it and if it is not fixable, you will find your way out. It is the same when people steal, not because you had to steal but it is because you are a thief. It is not the scenario that made you steal, but it is in your DNA. You take pleasure in stealing; the act aligns with your belief and your values. Those who have it in their DNA would steal weave-on and put in their bra, it is not poverty. A lot6 of people reach out to us on social media but we are not able to attend to all.

    That inspired the idea to open a Trust and see what we can do for them. Mental health and mental illness not the same thing and people always think they are. Mental health is about emotional stability but illness means that you have to treat an imbalance, probably a hormonal imbalance. Treating it the same way that you would treat your finance, if your profit and loss is not balanced. If your health is not aligned, you pay attention to it. I work as an intersection between the carnal and the Spiritual. I can function in both, the religious and the intellectual level.

    Rape is another issue that is on the increase and it has emotional health issues. What have you done about this?

    I also did a paper on that. It is about how pornography influences rape. During the lockdown people consumed porn a lot. The sites said they received too much visitors because they also know how to attract. The porn guys gave the first 6 months free access, so you can imagine if our banks and others did the same. They waived it for 6 months and everyone was at home, so porn sold. What that means is they will register and pay later. And they were wondering why rape increased, people were idle. I wasn’t surprised that Father’s were raping their daughters and mothers couldn’t talk. Uncles were raping nieces, too much porn makes you see people as things to be penetrated. Not humans to be respected. Porn reduces a human being to an object and I did a research paper on it.