When you are the other woman

VERA CHIDI-MAHA

LIFE as a mistress or the other woman generally is not fun all the way. Some ladies become secret lovers to their men not really by choice, but by chance.

For all you women out there that always have something negative to say about the mistress, please, don’t wait until you know what the situation is before you judge.

Speaking on this, a friend, who I will simply call Agatha, has this to say, “I am not a home breaker or a seductress. The man I am dating now has been married for 18 years. We have been in this relationship for two years. He fulfils a lot of obligations to his wife.

“I know he loves her and our relationship does not in any way distort or threaten his marriage. At my age, it is difficult to get a single man to date, and to keep myself happy, I have continued with this guy. He and I were best of friends before we became intimate. He is there for me.

“Most of my nights are cold and lonely because of his obligations to his family. He only sees me when he likes or when he has a misunderstanding with ‘madam.’ He would be at my place to cool off. For now, it is okay by me”.

Another lady, Funmi, spoke in a similar vein. “I am a lady who has been having an affair with a married man who is deeply in love with me. We met many years ago as good friends when I was 23. Then, I was married. I later broke up with my violent and abusive partner.

“I moved away and tried to rebuild my life. Years later, I heard through our mutual friend that this man still adored me. He married his wife because his family put pressure on him because she got pregnant in the course of dating.

“He always told anyone that cared to listen that I was the woman he would have loved to marry. He is very handsome and women loved to flock around him. Now that we are back together, that deep attraction is still there. My life as a mistress is lonely and very unfulfilling. Love making is great and that is the only benefit of the relationship I enjoy.

“I know he listens to me. He has promised that we might have a future together. I told him in the beginning that I would rather walk away than to hurt his family; and I mean it because his happiness is important to me. I am sure that soon, it will all be over.”

For Helen, the story is not much different. “Yes, I am dating a married man and I know the society does not agree with it, but I know why I’m doing it. I truly believe we are meant for each other, and I would stay in the relationship for as long as fate permits.

“He is my best friend, but fate does not want us to be husband and wife and life can be really unfair. I still have single male admirers and who knows. Maybe one day I will find someone else. But it has really been a bitter sweet relationship and I hope we can remain friends for life”.

Kate said: “There is no big deal about being the other woman. ‘Sometimes, it is heaven on earth and sometimes, it could really be hell. My man friend is every lady’s dream.

“The most memorable thing he did for me was when he bought me a detachable bungalow in the heart of Surulere and guesses what. He bought it in my name. The nightmare, however, started when his wife got to know about our relationship. She has since been threatening fire and brimstone.

“When her threats became unbearable, I had to put the house up for rent and I have since relocated to Ikeja. We still see from time to time. It’s not the best thing, but I have decided to stay on because half bread is better than none”.

Though Chi acknowledges the fact of her relationship to him, it does not necessarily have to end in marriage. “I would never compromise the children of a marriage, nor would I convince a straying husband into deserting his family. We mistresses don’t get the best part of the deal. We get the lies and false promises and in most cases, insecurity”.

Uche dated a man for more than six years before she eventually got married. “I was a mistress for well over six years, but thank God, today, I am somebody’s wife. I have many reasons to thank God. I am grateful to God because though the six years were fulfilling, but my guy’s marriage was threatened. God saved it.

“I would have lived to regret it. So, many times, I tried to call it off, but to no avail. He paid my fees throughout my university years. He was really nice to me and my family, but he was really possessive. He would not see me with any male friend or course mate.

“In my quiet moment, I used to pray that one day, an end must come to the affair. Don’t get me wrong. I really had a wonderful time, but as a woman with conscience, I became worried about his wife in my sober reflection. I used to wonder what she was going through since her husband spent practically all his spare time with me. Country, on a wife-hunting mission, and he consulted my sugar daddy who recommended me to his nephew.

“Thankfully, today we are married with a baby on the way. I say thankfully because my guy almost ruined the whole show. During my wedding, he could barely take his eyes off me, and when he gave us a car gift, he personally ensured he gave me the keys with a hug and a seductive wink at me which unfortunately my husband noticed. We argued about it for weeks before I was able to argue my way out of it. I have since kept my distance from my former guy because I don’t trust that we will be innocent when left alone”.

Kenny is now a born-again Christian and believes her past should stay that way. “I am now a born-again Christian. Whatever I did in the past belongs to the past. It is over. My affair with my married lover was not originally planned. You see, he did not tell me he was married initially. I was in a higher institution, while he was a senior lecturer in the school. Let me spare you the details of how we met, but it was really love at first sight.

“Unknown to me, his family was based in faraway Warri. It was on one of my usual home keeping chores that I stumbled on his wedding album. Again, I will spare you the details of how he explained it away with tears streaming down his eyes.

“What finally brought me to my senses was when I attended a vigil with some friends. As if the pastor was talking to me directly, he started preaching on the consequences of adultery. He went further to say that if you are a woman and you are living with a man that is not your husband, you should leave. Well the rest as they is history”.

Christy said she had been in both situations–the wife and the mistress. “As an adult, you are responsible for your actions. As a wife, it was very easy for me to become over emotional and be filled with hatred for the mistress to justify staying with my ex-husband who hurt me deeply. It is always easier to stay when someone else is to blame.

“Mistresses are the hidden ones. We are not treated the way men treat their wives. Since we have accepted to be mistresses and always staying in the shadows, it can be really lonely and frustrating”.

For Folake, being a mistress is such an easy role to play, if you understand the rules. “You get all the sweet, flirty romantic part. You have great sex, then they go away and you don’t have to deal with their bad moods or wash dirty socks and so on. Being a mistress is really fun for me”.

My comment

Ladies, as difficult as it is to keep that other woman away completely, there are things you can do. If you don’t want your man to cheat, never let him get bored. Always make yourself attractive.

The minute he realizes that you are putting effort into looking attractive all the time, that alone will keep him on his toes and his mind always on you.

It’s about a mental challenge. It may be a game, but it’s what needs to be done if you want to keep him from straying from home.