Relationship experts urge caution
THE advent of social media sites such as Facebook and some others have brought a new dimension to the world of romance, love and relationships in the past few years. New friendships and burgeoning relationships are being conducted on these sites with varying results.
For the unlucky ones, it’s tales of sorrow, disappointment and anguish. Stories abound of how some ladies fall victims of fraud, rape and other forms of violence through dates they met via the internet. In some tragic cases, death occurs, like that of the late Cynthia Osokogu, a 24-year-old post-graduate student who was murdered by friends she reportedly met on Facebook.
In the midst of all these sordid, depressing tales, however, are heart-warming stories of couples who met on Facebook and began relationships that blossomed into love and marriage.
From Facebook reunion to the altar
Joseph Jibueze, a journalist, first met his wife of a few months nearly 10 years ago. She was a young, shy teenager in secondary school, while he was an undergraduate.
“We knew ourselves when I was in school in Port-Harcourt, Rivers State. That was around 2003. We were in the same Christian congregation of the Jehovah’s Witnesses in PH. Though I found her attractive, we were like family friends and there was nothing between us. Besides, she was very young then, still in secondary school,” he disclosed.
After his graduation, he stated that he lost contact with her until they were reunited via Facebook. Said he: “When I left Port-Harcourt after graduation, I did not see her again for several years. But early this year, I was going through the Facebook page of my brother-in-law when I saw an attractive face on his wall. The face looked familiar but I was not sure who she was.” It turned out to be his old friend and church member in Port-Harcourt, the young school girl, Esther that he used to admire. She was now grown up, had graduated and was even working in PH.
“I confirmed she was the same girl I used to know and something in me told me she was the one I had been waiting for,” Joseph added. He promptly sent her a request on Facebook but he did not hear from her for some days. “She did not immediately accept and I was a bit scared that she could be involved with someone else. Days passed before she accepted and we started talking. We spoke on phone too. We discovered we were really attracted to each other. She was not in a serious relationship then; so I moved in quickly,” he said.
In early October last year, the lovebirds got married in a well attended ceremony at the Kingdom Hall of the Jehovah’s Witnesses in Port-Harcourt.
The reluctant matchmaker
Another couple who Facebook played a big role in their love story is James and Loretta. They got married about three years ago after meeting on Facebook and becoming friends. As James, 32, a marketing sales representative told The Nation: “I first saw my wife on my friend’s wall. We were chatting one day when I saw the picture of this lady. I became interested in her but when I told my friend about my interest, he discouraged me. He said she was already engaged and I should not bother about her,” he said. Later, he found out it was not true, it was just his friend’s way of protecting the girl, who was his cousin. “You see, my friend used to consider me a ‘player’ back then, he thought I was only after her for ‘fun and games’. But I was able to convince him about my sincerity towards the girl and he grudgingly gave me her contact.”
Another obstacle cropped up after he called Loretta. As he stated: “When I contacted Loretta and told her I liked her, she was not too keen on going out with me. I think she just split up with her boyfriend then and she wanted time to recover. She was not interested in going into another relationship so soon after the break-up with her ex. But I didn’t give up. I kept calling her and I think I pestered her so much that she finally accepted me!”
They courted for a year, then in 2010, they tied the knot. “My friend who gave me Loretta’s number did not believe I would marry her right up to the day of our wedding. He still believed I was not serious. He was my best man at the wedding and he gave a toast, telling the guests the story of how I met my wife on Facebook. We now have a daughter who is a year old.”
Student romance
Ronke Aremu (nee Ojo) first got connected to her husband via Facebook. She narrated her story to The Nation: “One of my flatemates, Tunde, posted a comment on Facebook (I can’t really remember vividly what the comment is about now ), but it was about him saying something about being depressed. Knowing he is a very lively person, I just replied his comment, ‘You of all people, why are you down?’.
“My husband, Lekan who is his friend on Facebook, also commented on the post. My husband later told me that he was in the cyber cafe with one of his friends when he saw my comment on Tunde’s post and he was fascinated by my name-Ronke Ojo. He told his friend, ‘omo yi de fine o’ (‘This girl is beautiful’). He said throughout that day, my name was just ringing in his head.
“He called Tunde and asked him about me. Tunde told him that I was his neighbour and he said he was interested in me and the guy said, ‘No, the girl is an SU!’ He sent a friend’s request which I did accept. He was sending me messages on Facebook, asking for my phone number. Tunde later came to talk to me on his behalf. He started calling me and later came down to my school, Ekiti State University in February, 2011 when I was about writing my final exams. We actually started talking in October. I told him that I was not interested and he left, saying he would come back after my exams. We were friends, we started talking on phone. We started dating officially in July 2011 and got married in November, 2013. I was convinced by his consistency.”
From America with love
The classy wedding of US-based engineer, Ikenna Nwaneri and Onome Edegware, on November 16, 2013, at Our Lady of Apostle’s Catholic Church, Kaduna, was the culmination of a romance that began on Facebook. It all started in January 2012 when they became Facebook friends. Through constant contact on the social media, love blossomed between the two. But there was an obstacle: distance. It was a long-distance relationship with the groom working in the US, while Onome was in London studying for a Masters degree.
With time, they finally met and they felt an instant connection. “The connection was instant. We were friends and soul mates at the same time. It all just felt right,” Onome enthused.
Ikenna proposed to her on a trip to Paris in 2012. As she disclosed: “He proposed to me in a most romantic way. It was Boxing Day in 2012 and our last night in Paris. We had dinner on the River Seine. I thought it was the moment but nothing happened. We left with two fortune cookies. We went to the Eiffel Tower and it was there I reached for my fortune cookie and broke it. The note inside read: “When you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. Onome baby, will you marry me?” With that, Ikenna went on his knees, attracting the attention of tourists nearby who began taking pictures of the happy couple.
On their relationship, Ikenna had this to say: “Even with the rigours of a long distance relationship, we kept strong. That we were domiciled in different time zones did not deter us from our commitment. We were always in touch through the various social media.”
Caution is the key
To marriage experts, however, caution should be the key in such relationships connected by social media, especially Facebook. As Julie Ngozi Okeke of the Moms Club International said: “Facebook marriages must be done with great caution. As a matter of fact, I do not outrightly support it; there are issues involved in it that call for great caution. I know that there have been one of two case like that where one heard that a Facebook couple has emerged and you may even say that there has been one or so that has lasted one or two years.
“But you see, the truth is that marriage goes beyond one or two years of living together or of being a couple. It is more than that. What happens after two years? Also it is not as if one of such marriages may not stand the test of time, there is a ‘but’ clause to it. Most of them do not work out in the long run. Most Facebook people are not real. Girls or the young men should therefore be cautious. Unfortunately too, in these climes, when things come over here, new meanings and new interpretations are always attached to usage. So the way we use Facebook here is also important and must be considered. Just as there are real people on Facebook, there are fake people too.”
Also speaking on the issue, Dr. Leonard Okonkwo, stated: “Most Facebook marriages will not work because the people involved would not have got to know themselves. Most often, everybody who uses the social media of which Facebook is one, ensure that they come out there at their best. They do not show their weaknesses or shortcomings, they come showing their best. Thus, when you go into marriages based on what you have seen on Facebook, sooner or later, you may find out that it is not really so. The person you were dealing with was only showing you their best side.”
Another relationship expert and youth counsellor, F. Diepreye, also cautions on relationships developed via social media. As he stated: “Facebook, just like other social media, is an avenue for communication with friends, colleagues as well as strangers, people you don’t know very well. Even those you know physically can sometimes act ‘funny’ and be unreliable and untrustworthy, much less the ones you just met via Facebook. So, people need to be careful when using these sites, especially when it comes to serious relationships and even marriage. Friendships can develop through Facebook but be wise.
“Do not rush into marriage until after a period of courtship so both parties can get to know each other well. Marriage is a serious, life long commitment, not something you jump into just because you saw a pretty girl on Facebook. Most of the pictures have been photoshopped anyway, so the person might look different in real life from his photograph. The bottom line is, young people and the adults as well should exercise caution on these sites. They should not get married based on what they see on Facebook but the reality on the ground, the real world and not the Internet world which most times is a fake, unreal world where people pretend a lot and are not true to themselves.”
Okeke supports this view, stating: “If you must contract marriage on Facebook at all, make sure that you know such people as real people. Even then, people you met and knew years ago and you suddenly meet again on Facebook may have changed in character and other ways. So a lot of caution is advised for people who hope to get married on Facebook. The use of social media should be done with caution.”
Said Okonkwo on this: “The danger in Facebook marriages is also that Facebook is open to deception. It is actually a platform where people get duped. So it is not a platform to exhibit you in totality. Moreso, when you can only read but cannot hear on Facebook, you cannot get to know the person that you want to marry in totality. What I am saying is that love that leads to marriage should not be based on Facebook connection. But Facebook could be used as a starting point. When you meet each other, you could then ensure that you date properly, get to meet and know. Afterwards, you can let other things follow. I however, do not see how marriage contracted only via Facebook without an initial meeting, can work. If it works out, then it will be one or two cases, which so happened by chance. But generally, a larger percentage will crash or lead to disaster.”
Diepreye on his part advises people generally on the use of social media, especially when it comes to friendship. “Sometimes I hear people boasting that they have such and such numbers of ‘friends’ on Facebook and I wonder, what do you need 2,000 friends for, especially when you don’t even know a majority of them and cannot vouch for them? Of what importance are they to you? I suggest you keep those you know physically and know their character. Don’t keep so many Facebook ‘friends’ just to prove that you are popular. Do they give award to those with many friends on these sites? No! So, people should be careful in acquiring too many strangers as ‘friends’ on Facebook to avoid being duped.”
