POLITICS is in the air again.
Big rallies and debates; speeches, facts, farce and figures. But many are praying that February 16 should just come quietly and go quietly. There is so much tension in the land. So thick is the tension that you could slice it with a kitchen knife. Some are excited by it all. Others are indifferent. Many are angry – that by this time in 2015, the green back was the currency of preference. It was raining dollars as politicians prepared for the elections. Alas, as it turned out, money couldn’t buy victory.
As usual, “Editorial Notebook” remains apolitical, even as it holds a ringside ticket for this historic show. This taciturn stance, it is to be noted, has done little to stop the flood of inquiries from far and near by politicians and their supporters desirous of grabbing the prize.
One would have ignored such inquiries but for the public service and scholarship orientation of this column as well as the need to enrich public debate. Here then, dear reader, is an update of the old manual on how to win elections with which you are familiar – free:
After securing your party’s ticket, do not waste time to raise a big campaign team, which will be led by one of those who contested the ticket with you. In other words, be magnanimous in victory and show that you will run an “inclusive” campaign. Some busybodies may be deriding your victory by saying you bought the ticket at $5,000 per delegate and all that. Never mind; they are mere interlopers who are not even members of your party.
As soon as you have the ticket in your pocket, sit down and spare a thought for your past. Is there any person or group or interest or section that you need to appease? Is there any testimonial that can jeopardise your ambition? Should there be the impression that you are a shifty politician who cut deals to feather his own nest – as most good politicians like you are often labelled – launch a desperate battle to correct it.
Make peace with your former boss. Raise a team of credible people who will join you on a visit to him. Confess your sins – no need denying them at this stage – and ask for forgiveness. Cry like a baby. Go down on your knees. Promise never to misbehave again. You will be shocked that he, your former boss, will simply say: “Go in peace; thy sins are forgiven thee.”
The effect, needless to say, will be magical. Your former boss, who had scorned you as if you were the head of the 40 thieves Ali Baba trained, will lead your campaign. He will tell the world that you have changed and that you are, in fact, the best man for the job.
Your opponents will be all over the place campaigning. Never fret; you will have enough time to do that. Hop onto a jet and fly overseas for some key meetings which cannot be held anywhere in Nigeria. You can go to Kuala Lumpur or Chattanooga or Ouagadougou or Bandar Seri Begawan or Yamoussoukro.
Should your opponents taunt you that there is a country you cannot visit just because you have not been there in more than a decade for some minor allegations, stay calm. Do not panic. No comments. The way out? Simple. Hire some fellows whose business is to mind and mend other people’s businesses. They are called lobbyists. They will surely impress it on their home governments that you just cannot be ignored as you may eventually get the prize. Who will want to make an enemy of the future leader of the world’s biggest black nation? In no time, your visa will be ready. Don’t announce to anybody, including your ardent supporters, that you will be travelling. Get the best of photo opportunities for a few days and return home in triumph.
Campaigns? Not yet time. Relax. Get on the propaganda train. Tell the world that your opponents are planning to rig the poll. Discredit the umpire by saying it is peopled by your main opponents’ relations. Tell the world that the police and other security agencies must be persuaded to be neutral. Urge the United States, the United Kingdom, the European Union and, indeed, the international community to prevail on the government of the day to allow a free, fair and credible election. Create a bold impression that the election is yours to lose.
The result, you will be shocked, will be electrical. U.S., U.K. and E.U. will issue statements, cautioning that all sides should respect the rules and do everything not to jeopardise the credibility of the election. Your opponents will be on the defensive.
You can now launch your campaign. Some lazy observers, who will never care to attend your rallies let alone get involved in it, will say either the crowd is scanty or rented. Others will say the campaign lacks bite – whatever that means. Ignore them. Keep your eyes on the ball.
Your former boss should be encouraged to play the statesman’s role. He should come out with an earth shaking statement delivered at a “world press conference”, alleging that your opponents had concluded their plan to ruin the poll by rigging it. He need not tender any evidence; his stature should be enough proof that no lie is intended. Okay?
Your opponents and their anxious supporters will hurl invectives at you. They will say your “statesman” is a frustrated politician who gathered a few sympathetic newspapers and radio/television stations, lying that the show was a “world press conference”. Do not join issues with them; they have a right to their opinions. Is that not the hallmark of democracy?
There will be a rash of debates all over the place. Choose discreetly the one to attend. If they ask you how you will strengthen the economy, tell them that you will sell the state’s oil company, the goose that lays the golden egg, and enrich your friends, who will in turn empower their friends and their friends will also empower their friends and on and on like that. There will be an outcry – that you are planning a government of friends, by friends and for friends.They will say you plan to sell NNPC on Jumia, Konga, Dealdey and VConnect. Laugh it off. It is not your fault that your opponents have no friends or lack the deep affection you have for your friends.
If the audience seems to be unconvinced about your economic plan, tell them you will grant looters amnesty. You will be derided for planning a “lootocracy”, a government of looters, by looters and for looters. Never mind; that is the way of politics. How do we bring back the loot if we don’t pamper the looters?
After a while, you should renew your allegation that your opponents are planning to rig the polls. Your proof? Oh; the Chief Justice or some top government official has just been removed. Your opponents will again be on the defensive, asking: Is the Chief Justice a member of your party? Is it true you planned to ambush the ruling party in court? Why are you crying more than the bereaved? Is “suspension” the same as “removal”?
They will mock you, saying your party “is threatening to boycott elections because Buhari has removed their goalkeeper”. Never mind. What do you expect from a soccer-crazy country?
Corral as many groups as possible – League of Wizards and Witches, Association of Genital Mutilators and Face Markers, Union of Port Rats and Allied Professionals and Wuruwuru Bar Association and more – to back you. Throw in some group of elders (never mind those who will deride them as dealers)
As the election draws near, get some foreign and local media houses to endorse you. There may be so much noise that the predictions are off the mark. So what? Again, ignore them and keep your eyes on the ball. The end, remember, justifies the means.
Now that you are set for this popularity battle, tell your party’s leading lights to be in high spirits as they announce that you have won. Those armchair critics, aforementioned, will demand proof. Laugh it off. Were they out of town when all those groups endorsed you?
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Herdsmen and reprobate youths’ bloody end
THEY were young, agile and bright, the pride of their parents and the hope of many. They had a promising future. They were the stars of their community. All that collapsed one bloody night in a bush where they had gone to be initiated into a cult.
Some dangerous herdsmen thought they were the target of the strange night gathering deep in the heart of a bush. They opened fire at the young university students. Two fell, never to rise again. Three escaped, badly injured. The bodies were found by farmers.
Residents of Abraka, Delta State are still struggling to understand why these young, energetic men lost their heads. They ought to have been studying, but they chose to gather in a bush, wearing a cult group’s uniform, for an initiation that never was. Why did they join a cult? Money? Power? Sheer exuberance? We do not know, but what is clear as day is that these youths’ vacuous move has plunged many into mourning.
Will our young ones learn from this foolish act?
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