IT is a great spectacle in downtown Yaba in the heart of Lagos Mainland. The popular bus stop is, as usual, throbbing with crowds of people. Many are running up and down, going nowhere in particular. Nobody is asking anybody where everybody is heading to – except the bus conductors screaming all manner of destinations and asking would-be passengers to hurry up and get onboard.
It is a sunny, sweltering afternoon.
Big radio-cassette players mounted on shoulders of vendors are belting out new works of leading musicians, including the philosopher-activist Fela “Augustine” Anikulapo-Kuti (of exciting memory). The rail line is blocked with wares – used clothes, food stuff, used shoes, old books, drinks and more.
A woman is sobbing, holding her head in her hands. She has just lost her master’s cash to some guys inviting people to “come and win big; double your money” in a game of cards.
Beside the wall that blocks off the rail line is a long line of people. A young man is ringing a bell furiously and screaming in Yoruba: “E wa wo’ri o; ori t’on so’ro! E wa wo’ri o; ori t’on so’ro”. “Come and watch a talking head; a head! Come and watch the head that is talking!”
More people join the line, sweating and swearing as some jump the queue. There is a small makeshift cubicle covered by a piece of white cloth, which obviously used to be somebody’s bed sheet. In the cubicle lies the “talking head”. At the entrance is a big carton in which every spectator drops 50kobo before going in to see the head of a young man who speaks in various ways by changing his voice. He smokes like a chimney- and drinks also. After about two minutes, the visitor is hustled out for the next client on the line to see the “talking head”. Of course, after dropping the gate fee.
That was in the 90s in good, old, swinging Lagos, the home of wisdom, street wisdom (Eko ile ogbon) and the nemesis of the foolish.
The show went on for days, until the police stormed the scene to dismantle the makeshift tent and haul out the man from the hole that had been dug to hide the other parts of his body and the big crate on which a space had been cut for his head to stick out. The end.
The end of the show. The end of a scam. Needless to say, the venture had fetched a fortune for its investors. A flashback.
Now, fast forward to 2018. In place of Lagos, throw in Abuja. A huge scam is in the smithy. Some are resisting it; others are just laughing it off as extreme desperation by political desperados who are desperate to carry the day in the desperate 2019 elections. Yet, some are, surprisingly, seized of its veracity – that a Buhari double exists in the Villa!
It is potentially the biggest political scam ever foisted on a people’s credulity. Who wants Buhari dead? Who are the purveyors of this ugly tale? What scientific facts do they have? How credible are they?
Again, some flashback. The President’s last trip to the United Kingdom sparked a big row. The Opposition said he was dying and would not return. After a few days, when His Excellency was due to return, the rumour machine was revved up and throttled to lightning speed. Buhari, said the rumour mongers, unable to bend his health challenge, had decided to end it all.
A former governor had, in fact, boasted during Buhari’s earlier trip that he had pictures of the President as he lay dying in a hospital. He threatened to release the pictures. He actually had pictures, it was learnt, but it turned out that the fellow, a master of stealth and cunning in financial matters, had been out-scammed. Buhari was hale and hearty.
Now they say a certain Jibrin or Jubril or Jubrin from Sudan is Buhari’s doppelganger who has been re-engineered to take his place at the Villa. A cabal of some sharks and barracudas in Buhari’s kitchen cabinet has been aiding and abetting the scam, they claim. Again, no proof.
Will the First Family be this calm if the President had passed away? I have combed through the Constitution; nowhere is it stated that there should be no mourning if a president has passed on. Is there really a mystery Fulani man from Sudan? Why are some people ready to swear with their all that any other person can acquire Buhari’s mannerisms, gait, voice and all so easily- in a matter of days? Is he a former soldier? Who are his school mates? Where are his certificates? Was he the one who recently got an attestation?
Is he also the one who will be all over the place campaigning for re-election? When will his family in Sudan move into the Villa in Abuja to complete the game and make it foolproof? Is he on loan from the Sudanese Government? For how long? Who is paying for his strange services?
Who is the source of this rumour? Nnamdi Kanu; yes, Kanu, the fugitive; the one who recently surfaced in Israel after jumping bail here. Now he has found a new pastime after failing to incite his hardworking Igbo people to violence. Now, it is expensive rumours to be swallowed by the gullible. Is Kanu a credible source? No, I dare say. He is not, even as he threatens to back up his claim with hard proof.
On the social media, the matter has sparked fierce battles between PDP and APC fans. Former Minister Femi Fani-Kayode wrote that he was damn sure Buhari’s double was at the Villa. One fellow rejoined, without saying he was replying Fani – Kayode: “Didn’t they say Tramadol and Codeine have been banned?”
Unfazed, Buhari has been carrying on with his duties. Some governors, I am told, had to touch him after shaking his hand at a recent meeting so as to be fully convinced that he is the same old president – just as many had thronged Yaba to watch the “talking head” and confirm that, indeed and in fact, a head could talk. Please, don’t laugh.
Lately, the tale bearers have padded up their lie – for effect. They claim – again without any proof whatsoever – that “the cabal” at the Villa had warned Vice President Yemi Osinbajo that if he attempted to let the cat out of the bag, he would face the law for allegedly stealing NEMA funds.
Will this line work? No; not at all. It has neither rhyme nor reason. It will find meaning only among the fools who are looking for the foolish who are ready to be fooled and who are, unfortunately, among us. Osinbajo’s integrity has long been established. It remains solid.
But we need to take it easy with the gullible. The line between fiction and fact is so thin here. Thieves no longer steal in millions; they cart away billions. Poverty walks the street. Moral depravity reigns. Robbers have turned more vicious. Hired killers are thriving, their evil trade unchecked. It is all sickening.
As I said here a few days ago, it is not all the time we are offered an offence that we take offence. We need not take offence that we are being told that a Buhari double is running the show – a bitter insult. If we take offence all the time, people may begin to doubt our robust sense of humour.
One fellow said the other day: “It’s November and there is no sign of Harmattan and Buhari is not doing anything about it – PDP.”
I have just got a new passion; golf. But time has been so unfriendly, even as there are few courses around. I have, thankfully, found a way round it. I have just ordered that my clone be created. He will stand in for me while I run off to play golf. So, dear reader, if you find something not quite right or discover some of those howlers, don’t howl. The editor is off to the golf course; my clone is on the seat.
And Atiku’s wife defends her love
WILL those alleging that former Vice President Atiku Abubakar is corrupt now keep quiet?
His wife Amina Titi Atiku-Abubakar has put up a stout defence of her man, stressing that she fell head over heels in love with him because of his integrity.
Her story:” I was on my way back from Benin Republic when I went to visit my aunt at the Idiroko border and was accosted by officers of the Customs Service. They had demanded that I pay duty for a pair of brocade material, which was a gift from my aunt. An argument ensued between us and I told them to have the material for a keep because I couldn’t comprehend why I should pay duty for a pair of brocade.
“Suddenly, an officer by name Atiku Abubakar who heard our argument summoned the officers to come along with me to his office. He was the head of the command at the time. After listening to both sides, Atiku demanded for the duty charge, dipped his hand into his pocket and paid the duty and handed me the receipt, smiling and saying that ‘I will pay him back’.”
“As the head of the command, he could have simply commanded them to let me go if he chose to, but his patriotism to fatherland would never allow him do so, and that singular act swept me off my feet and I eventually fell in love,” she said.
There you have it, champions of the anti-corruption war, those who say Atiku is threatening to sell the NNPC to his friends– if he is elected. How many wives can remember how their husbands wooed them and why they fell in love? How many can state categorically that their men’s integrity won them the prize?
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