It all began way back in 1974 at the University of Nigeria, Nsukka, during what was then famous as ‘October Drive’, when the coy, militaristic and young Olisa Agbakoba was literally cajoled into what would later morph into an enviable union with the then youthful Miss Lillian Harlem. For a young man who was weaned on the strict diet of discipline and who was just smarting from the experience as a child-soldier fighting on the side of Biafra, during the Nigerian Civil war, romance was considered more as a frivolity for Agbakoba, now a frontline lawyer, an activist and a Senior Advocate of Nigeria (SAN).
Hinting that he had never had anything to do with a woman, not until he met his would-be wife, Agbakoba reveals how the ice was eventually thawed, paving the way for an intimate relationship. “It all started at the University of Nigeria Nsukka. Both of us were law students but I was a year ahead of her. It was during the famous ‘October Drive’ or what is now known as ‘October Rush’ that my best friend, Maxi Okwu, former factional chairman of CNPP, who was having a great crush on my friend, Miss Ngozi Nwokolo.
Maxi came to me to do the ‘chasing’ or courtship for him. I went to Ngozi and told her what my friend Maxi felt for her. She agreed and said: ‘Okay, since you are bringing your guy for me, I am also bringing my friend, Lillian for you.’ Incidentally, she became my wife. Before then, I had never had a relationship, neither had I spoken to a lady in my entire life. Of course, my father was a very tough and a strict disciplinarian. And so I learnt to behave myself. So, Ngozi introduced me to Lillian Harlem, as she was then known.”
On his coyness, Agbakoba offers an insight: “Back then, I was a very shy and withdrawn person and I was not used to the concept of girlfriend. Besides I was a highly militaristic and no nonsense kind of guy. I had fought on the side of Biafra during the civil war. I was a boy-soldier. So women were not one of my strong strengths. I was too serious for myself.
“Gradually I had to tone down my hard mien. Even though the war had ended in 1970, it was still fresh as late as 1974. So even while in the university, I was still carrying on and thinking like a soldier than a civilian. When people say soldiers are no-nonsense people, I understand exactly what they mean.”
Butterfly in my stomach
Overwhelmed by a mixture of timidity, naïveté and artlessness on issues of relationship, signs of goose bumps were evident as Agbakoba awaited his ‘package’. “So when Ngozi said she was bringing her friend to me, I knew I was trapped. And since I did not want to betray my friend, Maxi, I knew there was no way out for me. I was terrified about how I was going to manage the relationship.
“At first, I did not know what to say or what to do. In fact, it was my wife who had to take the initiative. I did not know what to say. I was a bit timid and shy. Of course, it is the place of a man to do all of the courting, the talking and what have you. But I could do none of that. But slowly in the course of our four years of courtship, she bore with me.”
Taking it a notch higher
Most marriages usually start with a proposal, but for Agbakoba, theirs was way out of the ordinary. “There was no proposal. In fact, she made me to be conscious of where we were going after we would have left the university. After four years, we had bonded very well. So, it became a natural process for me to know that we were going to take the relationship a notch higher after our studies. So we did.”
Distilling areas of commonalities and differences
Besides their common background in law, both Agbakoba and Lillian shared a lot more in common. “Being law students, we were involved in a lot of academic and social activities that made us understand each other very well. It was clear to us that we were heading into marriage and we got to know that both of us were generally a quiet pair. We were very introverted and we are still a very introverted couple. Neither of us is outgoing nor a party person. Neither of us also is inherently genetically defective. There is a commonality that exists between us. A lot of marriages fail today purely on medically challenging issues.
“So courtship enables you to distil commonalities and differences in marriage, which also allows you to decide whether, in spite of the differences, you still want to forge ahead. What courtship does and what it did for us, was that we were able to share a lot of things in common. So as we are entering the final act, the bonding process is continuing until death do us part.
“In the first two to three years of our marriage (They got married in 1979), my wife had a more stable income than me. And so she was the one paying the rent and picking up some bills. And when I eventually came into a much stronger means of income, nothing and absolutely nothing should stop her from enjoying my wealth. After all, we are part and parcel of each other.”
Running joint account
In an age where marriage relationship is now more highlighted by mistrust, suspicion and crass secrecy, the Agbakobas are like an open book whose pages continue to flip in your face as you rummage for its thematic thrust. He says: “If I drop dead today, my family continues because we have a succession plan. We run a joint account. All our property are jointly owned.
“I am not going to write a will. But why should I, when I have a wife? We have gone past husband and wife. We are now talking about a transition. We know we will not live forever. So we are no longer keeping things in our names. For me, a strong family unit should not even own a legal document called a will for change to carry on. We have three daughters and we are now preparing for a transition from us to them.
“My wife has integrally been part of everything I do and own. I have an irregular signature and because of that, my cheques are always returned. It is my wife’s signature that the banks rather recognise and I have no problem with that. She is the manager of the family’s resources and a bursar. Kids go to her for money. They do not come to me.
“I am shocked when my clients come crying to my office that they do not know how to access their late husbands’ estate. How can you say you have married somebody for 40 years, yet she cannot legally access your property except through a court order? It is ridiculous.”
We have our imperfections
Is it always a bed of roses for the Agbakobas? He disagrees, insisting that they as a couple also have their occasional spats. For them, disagreement is part of the spice in a marriage. “Of course, we disagree all the time. Are we not human beings? The issue is not about disagreeing but how to reach an agreement after a disagreement. Disagreement is part of what strengthens the relationship because you must have a point of view. A few days ago, we were discussing the various political parties and she held a view and I had mine. So I didn’t agree with her and she got annoyed and said: ‘This is why I do not like talking about Nigeria with you’. There was a bit of tension and quarrel in the house, but the following morning, she made my tea and life went on. Any couple that says it does not quarrel is living a lie or living in denial.”
The first to say sorry
Well, she says I am stubborn. While I may not say I am sorry, my conduct shows. What if say I am sorry and I do not carry on as if I am truly sorry? That is hypocritical apology.
