Mrs. Tola Ajayi, Clinic Manager, Nordica Fertility Centre and wife of Dr. Abayomi Ajayi, Managing Director, Nordica Fertility Centre, is passionate about women issues. A trained nurse and counselor, Mrs. Ajayi, in this interview with Segun Ajiboye (Assistant Editor) and Jumoke Owoola, spoke about several issues, including her husband, parents and others.
You look very good. Do you have any particular secret to this?
Nothing really, I wasn’t doing anything to myself until recently. When you are aging, you would know that you need to take care of yourself. So, now, I watch what I eat, I drink a lot of water and do exercises.
And taking those steps have done much to help you…
Well, this is me. I have not changed much from the way I used to look.
Your low cut hair fits you. Why did you adopt this style?
This low cut has been on for 16 years now.
So, I won’t be wrong if describe it as your ID now.
Well, you won’t be wrong at all. That is what I am known with more than 10 years now. It has become part of me and I don’t see myself growing my hair again.
Why did you adopt it?
I simply got tired. You know, we wake up every day and go to the salon, you make wave-on, use wig and all that. I got tired by the time my children were entering the university and they had to do it. So, I said okay, my children can do it, but for me to go to the salon and spend the entire day there was too much. That was just it.
And, at first, how did it feel, especially your husband, how did he react when he first saw it?
I told him I was going to cut it. Moreover, that was what I wanted for myself. I don’t do things to please people. So, i was simply doing what would make me happy.
For 16 years now, you have never plaited your hair for once.
No, since I made that decision, I have never looked back.
You are a trained nurse and you are married to a medical doctor. How do you cope?
I really don’t know how it feels again now, but at the beginning, it was a bit tough, because if I am not at home, he too may be away on call. So, it was tough at the beginning.
What happens if you are on night duty and he too was away from home?
As much as possible, our duties were not clashing so much, so there was always somebody at home to look after the children. And don’t forget that his own work was really the same as mine, it was dictated according to what the roster says. And, in my own case, it was scheduled. In a month, I know when I would be on night duty or day, so it was easy for us to arrange ourselves. And if it happens that both of us would be at home at the same time, there was always somebody there to take care of the children.
Growing up, was this what you wanted for yourself?
I have always wanted to be a nurse since I was a little child. I just love to help people. So, when eventually I became a nurse, it was not really surprising to my mum, because she said, as a little girl of about three or four years, I was always playing about giving people injection. At the time, I would wrap a paper and put it on my head as a nurse’s cap. So, even as a little girl, I always wanted to do something to help people, which I am still doing now, but not as a nurse, but as a counselor.
How easy is it to counsel somebody in distress?
It is not easy at all. Counseling, especially in Nigeria, the only type of counseling that we know is pastoral, that is talking to your pastor. But counseling is not just about asking someone to provide a solution to whatever you are going through. Counseling is about saying what your problems are, and it is you that will look for the solution. The only difference is that you are sharing that problem with someone.
You mean it is not the counselor that would tell you the solution?
The counselor is not supposed to tell you what to do. You are the one to say what you are going to do. The counselor is there to guide you. It is not for the counselor to tell you to do this or that, because at the end of the day, whatever you ask someone to do might not be what that person wants to do. So, at the end of the day, whatever the person wants to do, you just have to guide that person to think over what decision he or she wants to make and the implication of that decision. In doing that, that person would be able to see whatever error was in his or her decision, and probably say ‘oh, I think I am being foolish here’.
In the layman’s parlance, counseling is doing what a counselor tells you to do.
That is what we think counseling is, but to a trained counselor, it is wrong. A counselor is supposed to guide you to explore your thoughts, it is like having someone to talk to. For instance, in IVF, which is what we do here, you guide a client. I cannot insist, say for someone who is 45 years old and want to use her own eggs, I cannot insist on her using her own eggs or a donor’s eggs. I will only advise her on the implications of her actions, the decision is for her to make. I will give her the options and allow her to decide.
Do you have to experience what your client is going through in order to give the right advice?
It is not necessary.
So, what gives a counselor this all-knowing wisdom about issues?
A counselor is supposed to work on emotions. For instance, I don’t have to suffer infertility to know what to tell someone who is fertility-challenged. But I know the type of pain such a person is going through. Sometimes, patients would tell you, ‘you don’t know the pains I am going through’, and I say yes, I have not been there, but I know how it can feel, because we all know the challenge of not having children. It differs from one person to another in some areas, but the emotion is still the same. For example, if someone is married and is not able to have children, and the family members of the husband are troubling the wife, threatening to throw her out, it is different from a family that is supportive. Even though the two are going through the same problem of not having children, but the emotions are different.
Have you ever had an experience whereby you feel like crying while counseling somebody?
Oh! I have had that kind of experience many times. Of course I cannot cry while the client is there, but I have been moved to tears many times. You listen to people and their story is like, ‘oh my God, why would anybody go through this?’ Sometimes, it is really very sad what people go through because they are unable to have a child. So, many times one is moved to tears.
What makes you happy?
Being myself makes me happy. I just like to be myself and whatever makes me feel good, I want to do it. And that is why I love people being happy around me, I don’t like to see people sad. The country sure comes with a lot of stress and we all go through stress every day. You don’t have to stress yourself over what you cannot control. Why should you stress yourself because there is no light? You don’t have to worry yourself over such thing. I agree that challenges come, but you don’t have to allow that to affect those around you.
Our emotional strength is different. You cannot give the same advice to two different people who suffer the same problem. How do you handle that?
Some people are very sensitive and they cry over every little thing. Some people are very moody, and if you ask them what the problem is, they tell you, ‘I don’t have money’. But a lot of people are in that situation, but the way they carry themselves, you won’t even know. Some people are just so sensitive to issues, while some are just as hard as a rock. The way the two people would react to issues would be different.
You have an organisation that is working seriously on a particular pain that is associated with women’s menstrual circle. What is this about?
It is called endometriosis. We call it an invisible disease because it is not something you see, but the pain is there. People go through pain and they don’t understand what they are going through. They call it several names, they say it is in the head, why should you have your period and you roll on the ground and cry? that it is normal and every woman must go through it. But we have found out that it is not normal. What happens with endometriosis is that every month, a woman sheds the lining of the uterus. That is what is called the menstrual period. The lining of the uterus that is shed every month is supposed to be inside the uterus, but it has been found out that the lining is present outside the uterus.
So, sometimes, when the woman is menstruating, she also bleeds in those areas outside the uterus. That is why every month while she is menstruating, she bleeds from the tongue, some bleed from the anus or even on the brain, it now depends on the severity. But for some, it is just the pain that would not allow them to function for days every month. Any pain that, when you are having your period, takes you away from work and you cannot do anything is simply bad. Pains come with the period every month, but some are just unbearable. Most people don’t even know what the problem is. Some women, it is when they come to us because they are not able to have children that they find out. But, for some people, they know from the beginning that it is endometriosis, but they don’t know what it is called, even sometimes, the doctor may misdiagnose it, because the endometriosis tissue may be found in the lung, and the patient is coughing out blood, the doctor may wrongly conclude that it is tuberculosis, whereas it is not. It is a terrible thing.
You are now devoting attention to it.
Yes, because we know that it is a major cause of infertility among women. It is better if people know early than when they are married and are trying to get pregnant, because that time it may be late. But, when they know early, they can then manage it very well. If everybody is aware, they will know what to do when the pain comes. The month of March of every year is dedicated to the awareness of endometriosis around the world. We started the awareness programme in Nigeria about 12 years ago, and since then we have done it every year to draw attention to it. Even medical doctors are getting to know more about it. That really gives us joy at Nordical, because it is no longer about our patients alone, doctors now refer patients to us. But a lot still needs to be done. We are trying to bring celebrities in Nollywood on board to draw attention to the problem. We are also taking it to schools, so that young people will get to know about this problem.
Are you making any effort to take the programme to the rural areas?
Well, we are starting with the cities first. We hope to get the government involved, and if they assist, then it would go a lot to help everybody. We want them to help and get it to the rural areas and make it available to those who need it.
You are a grandmother.
Yes, I am by the grace of God
But you don’t seem to look it.
Like I said, I have not really been doing anything spectacular, but that was until I lost a close friend to cancer. It was a turning point for me to say, if it can happen to her, then it can happen to anybody. She was a very careful person, she did not drink alcohol or smoke and her lifestyle was very okay. From that point, I said I needed to do something, and I began to check what I eat, I don’t just eat anything. I also exercise and drink a lot of water. We know that it helps when you eat right.
Looking at your skin, it glows and, like most women, do you have any particular routine of cosmetics that you use?
I don’t have any beauty routine. As a matter of fact, I only use ori (Shea butter), black soap and coconut oil. Even my children, when they were in the university, they took ori to school, and their friends were always amazed.
Are you aware that some people spend several thousands of naira on cosmetics?
Well, for me, I don’t have to. I even ask a friend to help me buy coconut oil in four- litre kegs. That is all I use.
I am trying to imagine what you looked like when you were younger.
Not much of difference, except that I was much slimmer.
Was that what your husband saw in you?
(Prolonged laughter…) I wouldn’t know that.
Can you still remember that first day that you met?
I cannot forget that. I was working as a young staff nurse at the staff clinic of Oyo State Broadcasting Corporation in Ibadan. Then he came to Ibadan for his NYSC and he wanted to change his posting. He came to the clinic to check and he met me. I was the youngest nurse in the clinic, so it was easy for us to get talking. After a while, he asked me out and that was it.
Was it love at first sight?
It was friendship at first, then other things followed.
And there has been no looking back since then.
No regrets whatsoever, though we have our moments and fight like every other couple. But there has been no regret at all. We are friends, which is the most important thing.
And you would be willing to do it all again?
I would do it all over again. He is such an amazing husband and family man. He is very committed to the family, and that to me is number one. He loves God with a passion and he is God-fearing.
What made you fall in love with him?
Like I said, I was the youngest staff around, and whenever he came, we would talk. I felt very comfortable with him, unlike other men and that was something very important to me.
The proposal must have been something lovely
It was not like this this at the time. You cannot say there was a formal proposal, at least not in the sense like you have it today.
Who would you say has had the most influence on your life?
My parents of course, I am from a polygamous home of 30 children. I call myself the last born of the first set. So, I have 14 elder siblings and 15 younger ones. We all lived in the same house and we all ate together. And by the time you get to secondary school, you no longer eat with your mum. For a man to be able to do that successfully is not easy; it is not every man that can do that. He was very disciplined and he loved us all. I can never forget that aspect of my father’s life. His life really taught me practical lessons about life. And for my mum, she was very industrious and did very well for herself.
